A Fine Mess

Or How much sugar has this guy had.

Author: John Miles <jm_dover[at]yahoo.com>

Author: Silent Bob Foley The Mental Hospital Escapee

Rating: PG


Distribution: Distribution: This fic as well as the originals will be at Xanderzone, fanfiction.net and likely anywhere else it goes.

Disclaimer- take a guess what I dont own on this the send answers on a postcard to

Feedback: No fed forward but thanks for asking

Spoilers: Only that time between seasons.

Dedication: To Teri- funny girl and a great person to talk to

A lot of this fic is inspired by the site Galactic Anarchy- a very funny series that coincidentally was shut down the same day as my 19th birthday still worth reading just type it into a search engine and enjoy.

Fanboys or die-harders without senses of humour need not apply.

Chapter 1

Well this is another fine mess you have got me into

Xander Harris was not having a good day- he had been stuck after class in the computer room to get his work finished. He couldnt even ogle Jenny Calendar the way he did in all her classes- and nobody could blame him. Jenny had gone off to some kind of faculty meeting- and if the indications were anything the meeting was in the janitor cupboard near the cafeteria.

After finishing his work he also had to reinstall the entire operating system- the computers needed the upgrade and of course being the only one stupid enough to be in the room at the time he had been coerced by Jenny into doing this- but what did he expect- gorgeous woman, pouting lips, and dark pleading eyes equals blood rushing south, and drooling teen boy talk.

Sighing Xander got back to work. Picking up his bag he pulled out a disk with the words WINDOWS 95 on it, before he could do anything more than grab his bag- a massive portal opened up and Xander was pulled in alongside two computer, three chairs and a fluffy toy left behind by willow.

The last words anyone who had been around would have heard came from the fluffy toy.

Oh no not again.

God knows how long in the past

About 1725
- Sometime near tea time.

The Massive ship with the huge outriggers shook from multiple hits along its axis, the saucer type ships were being destroyed in quick succession by the obviously faster and more manouverable dart like fighters. Hundreds of dog fights were going on, strangely real hair was being ripped off the ships in this fight.

A tech walks up and mentions this, the junior officer replies,

Its not called a furball for nothing.

This officer was subsequently given a combination reward and punishment for that joke- his medal was hammered into his head with a big nail.

Report called the commander.

Weve got sixteen hull breaches, the secondary power relays are out, port landing bay is damaged- and the elastics snapped on the furry dice.

Dammit. Said the No 2

What does this mean asked the commander.

Well weve got a more tasteful bridge.

Get the fighter squadrons to get those damned robots off us.

Command to all fighters- get those damned robots off us.

I didnt mean tell them that literally.

Outside The ship multiple fighters blew up on both sides.

Hey Boomer. Asked one voice

Yeah answered another.

Is it me but every week it seems like the same viper explodes right on the edge of the formation.


Remind me never to take that position.


Come on man is that all you can say.


Red two and three this is one. Came a voice

Great what have we volunteered for this time. He opened the link. This is red two.

We have to get rid of that base star, let the fleet get away.

So same as every other week huh.

Yep. Ok Im transmitting the plan to you.

On the screen a large ship appeared, slowly a shaft was shown running the length of a side of the ship, following it along to a small hole in the side of the ship.

Uhh Apollo.


This plan- seems familiar.

The budget this week doesnt stretch to new graphics. Hissed Apollo, So we borrowed it.

You know were gonna get sued dont ya.

Yeah. Said Boomer.

I think hes been at those funky fumerellos youve got.

The three vipers shot towards the massive spinning top sorry base star close up they could see three fighters being followed by two others, picking up the signal the listened in.

Ive been hit I cant stay with you.

Get out of here wedge, There nothing more you can do back there.

The three viper pilots looked at each other from their cockpits. Starbuck opened up a comlink to the five fighters.

Uh guys- Wrong Script.

The five screeched to a halt like you see at the end of spaceballs, Tilting up they flew past the three Vipers. A Rasping Voice came through the link.

Hiss whoosh Oops sorry bout that, well let you get on.

Hey no problem- just kick farmboys butt.

Hiss Woosh, Will do.

The three x wings and Tie fighters disappeared into the distance to a small moon in the distance.

However as they flew off the ship behind them exploded full force ripping apart the closest fighter and miraculously missing the three of them. The Cylons exploded almost in a domino effect and half a dozen of the newest cadets were fried by the explosion and of couse comeing through the fire nuking the last of the fighters came the galactica herself, fires burning without any oxygen outside and weapons what were destroyed remarkably intact again.

You know we need a new budget.

Inside the Battlestar galactica.

Commander weve beaten the cylons again but weve damaged ships in the fleet.

The agro ship again?

Told you we shouldnt have bought it second hand.

The ships control centre had been hit hard- luckily unlike most large ships the consoles dont explode in battle so few casualties were apparent. Damage was slowly repaired and painted over, One man is seen painting over the words Atari and Spectrum

Then as the script would have it an unexplained phenomena



Doo Doo Doo Doo

Appeared on the sensors- an orange swirly thing in space. The Vortex penetrated the hull and deposited a young man on the floor.

Sign here please. boomed a voice as a hand poked out a clipboard, the commander did as asked and the vortex disappeared  in a Flash of UPS.

That was surreal. Said the second in command.

You wanna try being inside it. Said the voice from the floor;. Where am I exactly.

Your on board the Battlestar Galactica. Im Commander Adama this gentleman is Colonel Tigh.

Nice to meet you. Names Xander Harris, any chance of a hand getting off this floor.

Two hefty Colonial Warriors helped get Xander to his feet and he brushed himself off.

Well this is strange. Kinda looks like the 70s

Thats because it is. Whispered a stunningly gorgeous brunette standing next to him. The looked at her and as all teenage boys will understand, blood disappears from the cranial area when confronted by someone looking like this woman. (Plus anyone who watches the series knows what Athena looks like.- Do YOU blame him)

Nureek Squrlookal a sminky pinky. He cleared his throught and spoke again, I mean Nice to meet you. Xander Harris.

Athena. She resonded- this was not the only response she had for him, as she grabbed his hand and ran out the door- much like most Xander Harris based fics this interlude also included at least one other woman, whipped cream and a blindfold.

About eight hours later give or take the time it takes to use a melon.

So your all being hunted by a race of mechanical beings intent on destroying the remains of the human race- those people in the demotion derby outside. These things look like the bastard child of KITT and a Stormtrooper, and are led by a former Klingon and a giant vibrator.

Thats about it. We have some luck though- we have Number one grandson and a member of the A-Team on board. It helps to have those kind of character shields around here.

Sounds it. Ok so we need to figure out how to get away from the cylons. Anyone tried a rip cord around its base?

Nods all round.

The thing is the damn ship has massively powerful laser weapons and What.


uhh yeah big bolts of light hitting another ship creating explosions.

Tried using a mirror to deflect them?

All around the table the crew of the ship looked at each other with disbelieving looks, Starbuck started hitting the table with his head, Boomer was still smoking a funky fumerellos and Apollo was checking his nails oblivious to whats going on. The Colonel and commander looked at each other and looked like they were about to cry.

Look Ill show you.

He grabbed hold of Athenas make up compact at had Starbuck shoot him, Starbuck  was only too happy to- especially after he found out the Xander was responsible for the rumour he had Space Crabs. The bolt flew towards Xander and hit the mirror, it rebounded off and hit a nameless security guard across the room killing him.

At least he didnt hit a Warrior. Said Apollo

Seven Days later

Three Two One AND

Sir we have contact with a Cylon patrol.

Right on time, you owe be five cubits Apollo. Said Starbuck

The patrol of Three vipers- I know patrols are only two but this is the only way to get them at the same point at the same time.



Nevermind Starbuck you ready

Yipee Ki Ay Mother kkkzzasiiittzzzasssss.

This is a PG 13 Fic Starbuck no swearing.

Oh Frak.

The three vipers attacked the small group of cylon raiders blowing the hell out of the lot, unfortunately as the way these fics go TWO base stars came after them.

Ok were in trouble.

Holy frack.


The vipers peeled away from the small enemy fleet and ran for the safety of the Battlestar and its accompanying viper squadrons. Following were massive formations of Enemy fighters. They were appearing from everywhere, hundreds of the things, appearing out of nowhere. A bunch of ford pick ups appeared and dozens of cylon raiders came out the centurions wearing sombreros.

An Acme quick build machine appeared churning out even more faster than they could get out properly, each of the centurions wearing orange anoraks and answering to the name kenny Red shirted cylons, White armoured cylons, you name it- it was there. Luck was with the colonials as the White armoured cylons missed with every single shot and ended up wiping out the Red shirted cylons. The Kenny type hit trees, statues or were killed by giant space goats, a few even managing to kill eachg other in a massive conflagu Confleg config Massive fireball.

The remaining cylons all of the normal class- even depleted from the bad shooting of the White types charged the battlestar. Ouside were multiple figures all holding what seem to be large tennis raquets of a silvery type.

Everyone ready says the lead man in the spacesuit. He clicks on the intercom and music starts, as dozens of blasts rocket towards the Battlestar the action starts.

Love to see you whip it
Sure can treat you right
Give me just a minute
of your time tonight
We both are here to have some fun
Let it whip

Each of the people on the hull start running to and fro intercepting the lasers with the highly polished parabolic mirrors in their hands, as each get to the bolt they swing.

I know you're into groovin'
love your body language
Baby let me know
You've got me so anxious
We both are here to have some fun
Let it Whip

The bolts ricochet back from the warriors dotting the hull slamming back into the raiders that fired them. Each start moving to the music hitting bolts and blowing up enemy fighters. Xander Harris leads in a moonwalk

Let it Whip
Whip it baby, Child

Whip it right
Let it Whip
Whip it baby, Whip it all night

Basically itd your typical Mel brooks style Space fight- nothing makes any sense no matter where you are.

It's just a trip
No no, child
Let it Whip
Come on Whip, Come on Whip

Now that you can see
How you groove with me
What else can I do
to get closer to you
We both are here to have some fun
Let it Whip

More fighters went down as modified vipers came out of the hangers each covered in what looked like a semi reflective substance that allowed heat and light to bounce away. Each viper took multiple hits from the Cylon raiders which bounced off and away into the void. Inside each ship you could hear crackling and poping from all sides and often the smell of burnt sugar.

Someone tell me why we used microwave popcorn bags across out hulls.

Where else were we gonna get a hundred tons of tin foil in quick sucession.

I wanna see you movin'
Love your body language
Let me be your paperman
Love to be in your command
We are here to have some fun
Let it Whip

Let it Whip
Whip it baby, Child

Whip it right
Let it Whip
Whip it baby, Whip it all night

It's just a trip
No no, child
Let it Whip
Come on Whip, Come on Whip

There is no time to lose
Your the one I choose
(Your so right now, your so right now...)
Can't you see that I
Won't waste your time
I sense something divine
Divine in you
Yea I do

Ok Well leave that battle for now and look back to Sunnydale high School. We arrive just as the door to the room opens and a very sexy and sultry voice comes.

Oh Xander Im so sorry to leave you here alone to do all this so I have a small gift for you. In walked Jenny Calendar wearing nothing but high heels and a hit of perfume. She looked confused as she walked in and looked for the young man that been in there a few minutes ago and finding nothing except some scattered equipment and furniture. She shrugged her shoulders and walked back out straight back into the cupboard slowly we could hear movement and shallow breaths that turn into loud.


A British Army officer pops into the scene

Ok now that is just not on for this type of fictional writing. Now get back to the story

Audience AWWWW

Narrator: If you are good little minions Ill write that up as part of a saucier fic later.

Audience: yay

Meanwhile Back on board the Galactica (Good- Captain Python)

Well we pulled that off so we should be good for a while. Said Starbuck as he lent back in his chair with a mug of Grog, but as happens so often in piss take fics he forgot he was not against a wall this time and consequently fell arse over tit and spilled the guy behinds beer.

(Insert gratuitous bar brawl here)

Well what do while were waiting. Xander asked Athena, and Cassie, and Sheba. Just as he was yanked away into the nearest empty room.

Back to the bridge three hours later.

Well we need to stop the cylons coming after us continuously, weve destroyed hundreds of fighters four base stars and a load of other ships that are only seen once and never during the cylons main attacks- (Looks at the camera). So what can we do to at least stop them. Adama spoke out to the other people in the room.

He stopped as he looked at Xander who was rifling through his backpack looking for a Twinkie or something else to eat, he pulled out stakes, books, old wrappers and a strange looking shiny disc like object no one had ever seen before.

Whats that? Asked Adama

Xander looked up

That is what we call a CD- its got computer programming information on it.

Ive seen one of those before- It was on that Cylon basestar that captured me. Replied Starbuck.

Whats on it. Asked Apollo

Well its an operating system known as Microsoft windows 95- the latest and most annoying of the line. Its unreliable and crashes most machines its on Why are you looking at me like that.

Adama to command send a message on frequency 1138.1701.Omega.

Two hours later

The majestic Battlestar flew out towards the distant stars, awaiting the arrival of an ally to help them in their hour of need. Unfortunately that ship was unavailable and so they contacted an intermediate instead, from the depths of hyperspace a small vehicle arrived and entered the hanger bay of the great ship.

Whats that? Asked one of the techs.

It looks like a Winnebago. Said another one

With wings. Said a third.

Indeed it was a Winnebago with wings, emblazoned on the side a patch that said

EAGLE 5, Captain Lone Starr.

Is it me or is this getting too much into the Star Wars rip offs? Asked Tigh.

The door of the vehicle opened and two men walked out, although to call them Men is rather generous. The first in tattered leather and jeans walked with a strut that can only come from too tight underwear, the second was covered in fur and had a tail and ears both that seemed to have minds of their own. This was Captain Lone Starr and his partner Barf(olomew) a Mawg.

What the hell is he said Apollo.

Read the inserts between the speech and youd understand the plot.

Xander replied to that Why would he none of the rest of us do.

So whats up Adam.

Its Adama not Adam.

Whatever man, whats the mission.

Well For those who havent already guessed we want to send Xander here and put him on a base ship and then download some disk called Windows 95 into the system. Hopefully shutting them down He watched as the two men blanched at the words, Whats wrong?

Did You say Win 95?

Yes why?

We downloaded that into Spaceball 2 a couple days ago its now being used as a pocket calculator- it has no other computer space left, it would have been worse but we didnt have the upgrade pack with us.


Well lets move it I need to get home the old ball and Chain is going on about her lost luggage again.

With that the three Dispensable. Uhh INtrepid heroes departed heading for the Nearest Cylon ship bypassing a seven eleven and a Macdonalds on the way- youd be surprised how far theyve got.

Finally after what seemed like hours (but was really only days) they arrived at the Cylon base star, pulling close they jammed the sensors of the ship (and as most people have seen this film Im not going to use that joke AGAIN.)and headed into the main concourse of the ship.

Cue Spaceballs Music

The Eagle five headed into the inner depths of the ship setting down close to the corridor they needed. The three headed outside and looked around.

Ever wondered why a machine race have a Nitrogen/oxygen atmosphere on board? Asked Xander

Plot Point? Replied Barf.

Kind alike there being no huge evils between June and October. Xander shot back.

Or there being a big old Press here to blow up the ship button. Said Lone Starr.

Well the obvious can be much more fun than convoluted passwords and long negotiations. Replied the Narrator. We better get on guys weve already used most of the jokes and Im getting hungry.

Ok boss. Chimed all three.

With that the three men ran further down the corridors, scooping up the rifles of fallen centurions left from the last time someone tried to break out. Not very tidy are these Cylons? Anyway sixteen centurions and a robotic daggit later (Muffy had snuck on board the E5 so now the combined IQ of the fleet has gone up with the removal of the damn thing).

Were here get that thing in and lets move.

The Cd went into the system and started the installation, they sped through the beginning and set it to install and boot.

Ten minutes later.

5% completed.

Damned Cyrix Processors.

2 Hours Later

What do you mean SYSTEM F****** ERROR.

4 hours later.

80% Completed.

Only 32 Meg are you kidding me?

Finally about seven and a half hours later.

Ok were done. Lets move.

But as the luck of the Ballbusters , held up as usual a phalanx of cylons followed them towards the hanger bay. Firing all the way both ways the cylons took massive casualties and Barf got his tail singed by a blast while another rebounded as he whipped it with a wag of his tail (hey if a series of bent pipes can send em back so can this guys tail!)

Going through one door and out of another they turned back and went through another.

(Insert Multiple door/chases gag here)

With the final door they made it back into the main hanger bay and got out damn quickly, behind them dozens of raiders took off after them. Fortunately that was the time that the system chose to reboot and the raiders wither crashed into each other or the doors of the hanger bays, the fixtures, the walls- basically anything in the area but the Eagle 5.

Lucky huh. Said Barf.

Montage of shots of Base stars hitting each other, centurions falling over (think C3PO or the walkers at Endor). And others hip just crashing into moons planets and even the Pegasus (Unharmed cos of Lloyd I Chose the wrong week Bridges Character shields.). Finally the last ship that bloody huge one that we see above the colonies of Man just sits there doing nothing- pretty much like usual.

Rag-Tag Fleet
Next Day

Aboard the ships of the fleet there is much rejoicing, however the food ran out and they were forced to eat their young- including Boxey- and there was much rejoicing. Xander was surrounded by the command crew of the Galactica, the Pegasus who had finally caught up and the Eagle five.

So Kid, you destroyed the Cylon empire nd saved the remains of humanity, what are you gonna do now.

Im going to Disneyland.

What else.

Well Im going to go exploring with Barf and Lone Starr. Ive got to find a way home and its likely its going to take years to get back If I stay here so Im going to help Lone Starr upgrade his ship and well get going.

Well we wish you luck son. Said Adama. And with that they three men left the party the Galactica and that galaxy.

Times ahead would be filled with danger wonder, Spaceballs, space going amoeba, A giant space goat and a Furby invasion. Xander Harris would end up with his own ship, (Humvee with Wings) going exploring saving damsels, slaying dragons saving civilisations, picking up women. Your basic space hero fare.

Oh and outlasting the energizer Bunny

That is until he comes across a giant Red Mining ship whose crew get him blitzed on curry and lager.

But thats another story

The End