A White Knight Charmed

Author: Eddy29456 <tc40sbenn[at]prodigy.net>

Rating : PG13

Feedback : Please

Time Frame : Post Season 7

Crossover : Charmed

Archiving : As you wish

Disclaimer : Buffy, etc. not my property, and no copyright infringement intended.

A/N -I finished reading the fourth installment of 'Xander, the Sperm Donor' some time ago. I liked it very much and appreciated Cyclone's sending it out, as so many people, including me, had requested. It occurred to me that I really ought to show my appreciation in some way.

I considered sending money, but ran into three difficulties with that approach. First, I don't know his real name, address, or identity. Second, it violates the 'not profiting from this fiction' principle. Finally, of course, the real deciding factor, I don't, actually, have any money.

I considered a short note to say, "I really enjoyed this, thank you very much for sharing it, and for the effort you put into it," but that statement would have been way shorter than the letters requesting update.

I considered a really wordy note that boiled down to "great bit - want more" but felt that was kinda cheating.

I finally decided on the men's Christmas/Birthday present approach - "Give them what they ask for."

He'd issued a challenge for a Charmed/Buffy crossover - here's my answer.

The challenge with [my comments]:

Okay, thanks to Tenhawk's Journeyverse (Please, sir, can I have some more?), I've started watching Charmed on TNT.

Which combined with Verbosity's Crypt Raider (moremoremoremore) to create this odd idea.

Post-Chosen, Xander gets sent to the Charmed universe somehow. The kicker? In the Charmed universe, there are two popular TV shows:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spinoff, Angel. And naturally, one of the Halliwell sisters is a fan of the show.

[He didn't say only one]

Optionally, you could have Charmed as a TV show in the Buffyverse as well, with the Scoobs tuning in to see what happened to their White Knight.

[Good option]

And I _want_ a scene where Xander and Phoebe commiserate about the problems with marrying half/ex-demons. ^_^

[The sorrows, of course - but also the joys]

--End Transmission--

After a recent spate of anime crossovers, my having no idea what they were about, I decided I should give a brief background on Charmed.

Since it has been on about five years, I have not watched religiously, and it's boring to write, I'm gonna cover only the stuff you need to know. Charmed is about three sisters, (well, actually, four but only three at a time, because one died (Prue) and they were able to replace her with a half-sister (Paige) in a manner I feel was too lame to repeat here) the "Charmed Ones," who are mystical troubleshooters backed up by a "whitelighter." "Whitelighters" are (usually) dead people brought back to guide and protect witches, who can interact with, guide, heal themselves or their charges, have children with their charges, or at least father children, and teleport (called "orbing"). They also 'consult the elders,' visiting their supervisors for information/advice rather more regularly than smokers take smoke breaks. It usually takes longer to get an answer out of the elders than it does to get a response from corporate IT. (Actually, that's hyperbole, on many occasions answers from the elders come within a decade of the request. Corporate IT is never that fast.) Apparently, in heaven in the 'Charmed' universe, the office pukes don't have to answer voicemails about to field problems in a timely fashion. Some things don't even get better when you're dead.

Chapter 1

"We need a break," an exhausted Willow said.

"Yes, we do," said Andrew.

"Yeah," said Kennedy.

Andrew and Willow looked at Kennedy. Willow asked her lover, "And you need a break because?"

"Because I've spent 16 hours listening to you two whine about how hard it is for Andrew to type into the computer and use the mouse, and Willow to chant and stare into a candle flame, and haven't kicked sniveling butt."


"Odd, isn't it, that you two need a break just as 'Charmed' is coming on," the young slayer said in an ironic voice.

"One of those coincidences that assures me of the existence of the Goddess," said Willow. Suddenly her composure broke. "What are we going to do?"

"We'll find Xander," Andrew promised.

The three arrived in the living room/common area of their Cleveland base of operations., in time to see Faith and Dawn drag in Buffy.

"Buffy, you are not doing Xander any good," said Dawn. "You've looked, not found, and if Andrew or Willow come up with anything you'll be too tired to respond. You need to take a break."

"I'm responsible for what happened to Xander, Dawn," said Buffy.

"No, you aren't, B," said Faith. "Xander knew the risks of patrolling with you, and he deliberately stepped in front of that demon's spell."

"And it's my fault we can't ask the demon where he sent Xander," Buffy said.

"Decapitation makes most demons less talkative," said Andrew. His keen native wits and post trio experience with humans had taught him that when there is a really upset woman, and you say something, and all the other women around start glaring at you, you've probably said something you shouldn't have.

"But, Buffy," said Andrew, reasoning if they were pissed off that he agreed with Buffy they might be happy if he argued with her, " if you hadn't killed the demon quickly, it might have cast its spell on you. And without the information on the spell you brought back, we'd have no chance of finding Xander."

"You guys are just saying that to cheer me up," Buffy said.

"Yeah," Faith responded, "'cause I'm so much your friend, us being bestest buds and all, and Andrew's just so darn sensitive to other peoples' feelings."

Buffy was fairly sure Faith was being sarcastic.

"Shh," Willow shh'd fiercely.

"Willow, honey, we're taping it," said Kennedy.

"We're watching it AND taping it?" Dawn was confused.

"Willow's obsessed," said Kennedy.

"Willow? Obsessed with a show about three hot female witches living in San Francisco? I can't believe it," Faith said. Buffy was almost certain Faith was being sarcastic.

"Alright, guys, I'm quiet during Jackie Chan movies." Willow was MISSING HER SHOW!!!

". . . Nick Brendon," Phoebe said, excited.

"Phoebe, Nick has an eyepatch for the show, not in real life."

The two witches approached the man. He was not turned to face the cameras. The tracking shot following the witches went around until it showed his face.

"Xander?" Willow's voice was questioning and small.

On television, Xander smiled. "Alyssa Milano and Holly Marie Combs. Great to meet you. I love your show. Although, I must admit, my friend Willow is a much bigger fan."

"My god, Xander's on TV!" Buffy was amazed.

". . . a TV character?" Xander's voice sounded unbelieving.

"Yes," said Phoebe.

"I'm not feeling so good," said Xander.

"Possibly due to the blood dripping out of you," said Faith.

"It doesn't look like the little people in the magic box heard you, Faith," said Buffy.

"The TV is magic?" Dawn asked.

Willow did a quick spell. "No, apparently this is on everyone's TV."

"Oh, great. Giles is gonna love this."

"He'll have to admit he watches TV to complain."

The two sisters half-dragged, half-carried Xander into the kitchen.

Phoebe asked, "Shouldn't we be taking him to the hospital?"

"Does he have any existence in this world, like a social security card or health insurance?" Piper was using her 'patient' tone.

"Um, no."

"Does he look like a popular television character? Even down to old wounds?"

"Um, yes."

"Does he know all about us? Names, powers, abilities, friends?"

"Um, yes."

"Say, Phoebe, should we take him to the hospital?"


"No, we'll call Chris."

"Good thinking."


The whitelighter orbed in. "You bellowed?"

"Heal him, please," Phoebe said.

As Chris complied, he said, "Looks like Xander off of Buffy."

"Apparently, it is, except it's a Xander from a different universe who hangs with the real Buffy. And in his universe we, the charmed ones, are a TV show," Phoebe said.

"I must consult the elders."

After Chris orbed out, Piper said, "I'm gonna have flash cards made up that say 'I must consult the elders' and give them to the whitelighters as an anti-laryngitis measure."

Phoebe said, "Might be expensive. Imagine the wear and tear."

"I'll put the P3 logo on them and write them off as advertising. Seriously, speaking of P3, I have some stuff to take care of there."


As Piper (or Holly Combs) left, the intrepid group of Cleveland demon hunters watched the camera slowly pan over to Xander Harris, in the unmistakable style of 'oh, the camera's moving slowly, this is supposed to be a shocker' school of hack directing, and zoomed in on his face. His eyes snapped open - both of them.

The cut to commercial started Andrew off. "Cool, looks like they're hooking up Phoebe and Xander."

"What? MY Xander and MY Phoebe!" Willow was yelling.

"You guys just like Phoebe because of her looks," said Dawn.

"No," said Andrew, "if I had to pick solely based on looks I'd pick Piper. But Dawn, relationships are not all about looks. There are personality issues as well."

"Like responsible, practical, hardworking Piper versus flighty, airheaded, layabout Phoebe?"

Andrew responded, stung by Dawn's sarcastic tone, "No, like, I'm dating an angel sent to protect me that I argue with all the time Piper versus I'm dating a demon assassin I argue with less than Piper does her angel Phoebe."

"By that standard," said Faith, "Xander would be the greatest guy that ever lived, dating a vengeance demon and Cordelia."

"Nah, Riley dated Buffy," said Dawn.

"Hey! I like to think I'm better girlfriend material than a murderous, sex -obsessed vengeance demon."

Andrew was a bit put out at the woman who heroically sacrificed her life for his being dismissed so cavalierly. "I like to think I'm suave, sophisticated, handsome, and irresistible to women," said Andrew.

"'What's important is, you think it's true,'" Willow said with a little smile.

Faith said, "Shouldn't we be trying to get Xander back?"

"You weren't talking to me, right? 'Cause when Xander gets pulled back from living with three beautiful women, one a gourmet chef, in a Victorian mansion with many bathrooms in San Francisco to living in a converted warehouse in Cleveland with two bathrooms, one them a toilet only, and him being the cook 'cause he can make boxed macaroni and cheese with out setting the oven on fire, . . . " Andrew's need to intake breath allowed Dawn to below "Accident. Ac-ci-dent!" ". . . I wanna be able to say I had nothing to do with the decision."

"Shh," said Willow. "Commercial's over."

"So, you're awake," said Phoebe.

"Yes, and my eye is back."

"Local fringe for demon hunters."

"Whoa, can we borrow your negotiating team next contract renewal back home?"

Phoebe laughed. "So, how did you get here?"

"Demon spell."

"Darn demons."


"Though I married one."

"So I saw. Came close myself."

"So I saw. If you don't mind my asking, what the hell happened? I mean, somebody shows you some false visions, and you cancel your wedding?"

Xander sighed. "If somebody shows you images of you murdering your spouse, on your wedding day, and you don't guess they're false, is it a good idea to marry?"

"As a professional advice columnist, I'd advise professional psychiatric help."

"Not really an option, in our world. When you start talking about the stress involved in marrying an ex-demon, your average mental heath professional makes unkind assumptions about your level of psychosis."

"True. And dating a demon imposes some unique stresses."

"Your friends are occasionally unsupportive."

"And family."

"Well for me, family disapproval not such a big issue."

"I can understand that feeling. I can't imagine growing up without a family that loves you."

"I had a family that loved me. Willow, and Jessie, and later Buffy, kinda, . . ."

"How did you feel about Willow?"


"Willow Rosenberg? Best friend. Fellow 'flukie.' Anything familiar here?"

"Sure. I mean I know Willow. I love Willow. I sorta thought any TV show about us would have made that clear."

"Well, it was clear you loved Willow. Some viewers felt that perhaps you and Willow should be in a romantic relationship."

"Um, Willow's gay."

"Well, mention was made of it. But her girlfriend Tara once got scared Willow would 'go back to boystown' and she seemed, um, enthusiastic with Oz."

"As enthusiastic as she was with Tara?"

"Well, maybe not, but . . ."

"Willow is gay. If I can accept, anyone can accept it."

"Obviously, Xander's repressed his encounters with my parents," said Willow.

Phoebe asked, "Well, how do you feel about Buffy?"

"A hero and good friend."

"Not exactly very nice all the time."

"Were any of us shown being nice all the time? 'Cause, as part of the group, I'd say they were misrepresented if they were."

"Well, no, but Buffy sometimes seemed extra-bitchy."

"They made ME look bitchy," Buffy raged.

"I wonder how," said Faith. Dawn reflected that Faith just didn't do subtle sarcasm.

"Buffy . . . feels responsible for fighting the forces of darkness. If it doesn't go well, it's her fault. We, Willow, Giles, and me, aren't really fellow warriors, but support personnel in her opinion. She feels that the whole slayer thing means it's all her responsibility. That's really hard. She felt alone, like no one could understand what she was going through, before the other slayers were released."

"She was wrong."

"Well, yeah. We covered for her twice when she was unavailable. Once after she ran away, once after she died."

"Willow should not have cast that spell to bring her back," said Phoebe.

"Willow," said Xander, "had no whitelighter, no guidance."

"She had Tara. She had Giles. She had two more experienced people telling her she was moving too fast. She ignored them."

Xander sighed. "Willow, . . . needs recognition. She needs, and it sounds childish, but she needs people to ooh and ahh over her. But the problem is, she doesn't want anyone to notice her. It's partially my fault, her bringing Buffy back."

"How so?"

"I knew Willow had issues when she was younger with being the center of attention. But I thought she was over them, so I put her in as leader of the group. I thought it would show her how much she'd changed. Instead, she brought Buffy back from the dead so somebody would take the load," Xander said.

"What?" Willow was outraged.

"So how is Buffy coming back your fault," Phoebe asked.

"If I had paid enough attention to Willow, I would have realized that she was losing it. I'd have questioned her about checking Buffy's status. Buffy would not have been brought back from the dead, the first evil would have probably stayed buried, the trio would have been dealt with, and Anya would still be alive."

"Xander," said Phoebe, "you can't blame yourself for not noticing Willow's problems."

"Sure I can. It's what I do."

"What do you mean?"

"Willow does the thinking and the magic. Giles does the researching. Buffy does the butt-kicking. I do the making sure that everyone stays sane. We don't blame Buffy when the research is not done right, we don't blame Willow when the butt-kicking fails, we don't blame me when the thinking isn't done."

"So it's not her witch girlfriend, around her far more than you, with knowledge of magic, that's to blame for not noticing Willow was succumbing to the dark side, it's you?" Phoebe was little sarcastic.

"When you put it like that, it sounds silly," said Xander.

"Think about it," said Phoebe.


"So, said Phoebe, "what about Anya? She tried to kill Willow, she killed thousands, maimed, tortured, and felt no apparent remorse. Why the attraction?"

"Anya, . . . was capable of love. She died for us. She risked her life several times for me. She, . . . just had a problem with, . . . empathy, sorta. I mean, to her, vengeance was, a cause."

"A cause."


"Like, Communism or Fascism?"

"Or patriotism. Vengeance made the rules different, not apply. You could do evil things to support vengeance, 'cause vengeance was a good thing, and the ends justify the means."

"Do the ends ever justify the means?"

Xander thought, and said, "Yes."


"Was the United States justified in getting into World War II?"


"Innocent people died, they always do in war. Was it justified? I mean, if the ends can never justify the means, then how do you have police? Or courts? Because you know inevitably the wrong person will be arrested. And convicted."

"I see."

"The question you wanted to ask was, 'Does vengeance justify the means Anya used?' The answer was, no."

"So why were you with her?"

"Vengeance was a mistake I made myself."

"The love spell with Cordelia."


"That was bad."


"I always thought that was bad writing, really. I mean, Cordelia coming back to you. After you tried to cast a love spell on her. Tara ditched Willow for doing the same sort of thing."

"Cordelia was," Xander searched for exactly the right term, "she needed attention."

"So she put up with you trying to mess with her head because you paid attention to her?" Phoebe was drolly sarcastic.

"Well, that's a theory. Another theory is that she didn't trust us to save the world without her looking over our shoulders, and I was her excuse to be around," Xander admitted. "Not as personally flattering, but more true to Cordelia Chase."

Suddenly Chris appeared in a burst of white light.

"I've talked with the Elders, Xander, your coming is not just a coincidence. Without your action, the world will be destroyed," the young whitelighter said.

"Now that's from way out in left field," Xander said, just before the commercial break.

Back in Cleveland, the demon hunters eagerly discussed what was going on. Dawn spoke out. "Oh, yeah, Xander's saving the world."

"Plus," Andrew said, "he got his eye back."

"I kinda liked the patch," said Faith. Everyone looked at the criminal Bostonian. "I thought it looked hot."

"You're warped, Faith," said Buffy.

When the show restarted, the three Halliwell sisters were in the living room. Phoebe was swinging the crystal over the map intently. The camera focused on Xander and Chris. "You know what to do, right?" The whitelighter sounded worried.

"After the sister finds the demon, you orb me there and I poke it with this stick," said the carpenter. "All I have to do is break the skin and poof, no more demon. Say, how do you make these sticks anyway? 'Cause I haven't come up with a Christmas gift for Buffy and . . ."

"Hey, how come BUFFY gets the demon poofing stick. Why don't I get a demon poofing stick," Faith complained, as Chris on television explained to Xander that the stick's enchantment affected only this particular type of demon. Willow idly mentioned to Kennedy that, "Some people are trying to listen."

On television, Chris continued speaking to Xander, saying, "The other problem would be . . ." The view then cut to the Halliwell sisters, leaving the rest of the other problem unheard by the viewing audience. "Oh-oh," Andrew said, "there're problems with the stick. I bet it takes his eye back away."

"See, Andy, this is why it's no fun watching TV with you," complained Faith. "Some of us like to try to suspend disbelief and go with the show."

"Hey, people," Dawn bellowed. "The point you seem to be forgetting is this isn't happening to imaginary people. This is happening to Xander. Our Xander."

"My Xander," said Willow grimly. She began waving her arms and incanting. A misty area began to form in front of her. Buffy and the others watched in awe, and growing horror, as the redheaded witch's eyes turned black. Finally, she collapsed, sobbing. "I can't get through," she screamed in frustration. "There's some kind of barrier."

On TV, the Halliwell sister's were discussing Xander's love life. "Phoebe," said Piper, "you have got to get over the Willow obsession. No way will Xander end up with Willow."

"They're perfect for each other, Piper. They understand each other. They like and respect each other. They apologize when they try to kill each other, which can't be said for say, FAITH."

"Faith," Piper began, "had some bad breaks . . ."

"People found out she was a murdering slut," interrupted Phoebe.

"Hey," said Faith.

"I always thought Buffy . . . " Chris chimed in, before being interrupted by Piper.

"Buffy? My god, better Willow than Buffy."

"Hey," said Buffy.

"WILLOW IS GAY," Xander yelled.

"I knew I liked him," said Kennedy, looking up from where she was holding Willow and trying to comfort her.

Dawn looked at Faith. "You didn't apologize to Xander?"

"Well, not in so many words," said the dark Slayer. "Or, actually, any words."


"Well, I'd finally worked out what I was gonna say, and then I called Angel to practice on him, and he told me something really important to tell Xander."

"What was that?"

"Well, I'd had a large number of boilermakers, and I, well, I can't quite . . . it'll come to me."

On the TV, the music increased in volume. The Cleveland demon hunters looked on cheering as Xander, after a long fight sequence, stabbed the demon with the stick. The demon exploded into dust, like the vampires they'd all seen destroyed.

The gang cheered, only to stop suddenly as Xander dissolved into mist. On screen, Phoebe said, "What happened to Xander?"

"The downside of the stick," said Chris. "Not only do you have to have been sent to another dimension by the demon's mate to use it, but it kills you."

"Okay, maybe I would rather Buffy got the stick for Christmas," Faith said.

"Couldn't we have killed this demon with the power of Three?" Piper asked.

"Yes, but," Chris had the pained look of someone who had to try to make boring exposition interesting, "the difference between our universe and Buffy's is the presence of the Tarnahn."

"I read about that in the Book of Shadows," said Phoebe. "It's a sort of power source, isn't it?" "No," said Chris. "It's actually the brains behind magic."

"Excuse me," said Piper, "I thought was us, the witches."

Chris sighed. "Okay, suppose you cast a spell to find someone's true love. The spell has to go out, search the entire world, and evaluate each and every person in the world to find the best match. It has to make tradeoffs between looks, sense of humor, kindness, etc. It's far too much for the human brain to process. So here, the, hmm, energy from the spell goes to the Tarnahn, which does the thinking. In Buffy's universe, the magic actually has to create an artificial intelligence that does the same thing. But because the intelligence is created by a non-divine being, it dissipates when the spell ends. So any such spell requires the caster to create an intelligence, enslave it, and force the intelligence to do the caster's bidding prior to its inevitable death. And the caster is doing this in as intimate a contact with the doomed intelligence as can be, with their mind."

Phoebe said, "That's icky."

"Yes, but because of Xander's sacrifice, the Tarnahn can now reach Buffy's universe," said Chris. "As well as whitelighters, so the witches there can learn to use it."

In the Cleveland TV room, a familiar voice interrupted the tears. "It may not be easy, but lots of witches are really smart," Xander Harris said.

"Xander," everyone yelled.

"You're dead," said Buffy.

"Recommended in the whitelighter job description," said Xander.

"Who's whitelighter?" asked Buffy.

"Um, Willow's, 'cause, you know, she's the witch."

Vi came in. "Hey, Xander, great to see you, the upstairs toilet's clogged."

"Some things don't get better when you're dead," said Xander. "I'm going to go unclog that, and then go to LA for some discussion with Angel."

"Discussion with Angel?" Buffy did not think that Xander, having gained the ability to orb anywhere in the world, would go to her ex.

"Yes, I'm going to explain in detail that he should have called to tell me when Cordelia died, not let me find out by being sent to another universe and watching videotapes of his show."

"Oops," said Faith, as Xander disappeared.

The End