The sun hit the car as if all of it's solar energy were being focused on that one mere object, the one mid-sized vehicle holding newly deemed, fairly ordinary people. With the world full of awakening Slayers, the contents of this vehicle wasn't *so* out of the ordinary any more, yet the sun still seemed to concentrate on it. Xander shrugged off his thoughts that were stemming from both boredom and delirium due to the past week. After the collapse of the hell-mouth and the vast transformation of all of their lives, the last week had been full of decisions and weird feelings. Xander smiled to himself as he realized, not for the first time, but it had been a while since he even had time to think of such things, the Scoobies and all of his 'family' were so different. If they were ordinary people without this single thing in common they would've never been associated with each other. There were underlying similarities between all of them, but on the surface the only thing that really connected any of them was the eternal battle against evil and now with that battle not being the primary focus of their lives, everyone was faced with the realization that they didn't need to remain together. Everyone was faced with weird feelings of separation, doubt, denial, and insecurity even though none of them had really changed anything yet, they were simply considering their options. Even though there were many people involved in the group that didn't exactly 'get along', not to name names, but what struck Xander as really cool was that when actually faced with the option to leave each other and not have to deal with one another, everyone stuck together.
Giles called into Angel after things settled down after the big battle to make sure everything was alright on their front and really to find out what they were to do next. What had happened was something that had never even been thought of before and he was befuddled as to what to do, how to continue. Speaking with Angel he heard there was some organized vampire activity in the town of Warkensaw, a fairly busy city towards the North of the United States. Giles had also received a call from the council, for the first time since being separated from the organization, and was notified of the new leader and also many of the new policies. It was branching out and becoming much less of a formal organization, and with that their funds were not needed to such a mass extent. With that, and the new presidents eagerness to thank Giles and 'his Slayer's' as he referred to them as, he would be wiring Giles a fairly unlimited amount of funds as an expression of the Council's gratitude. Giles had already found himself somewhat giddy at the idea of the Council placing the successes of Buffy and Faith on his behalf but he was utterly dumbfounded when they notified him of the financial aid they would be supplying him with. He was also notified of his new title as Chief Advisor of the Watcher's Council of North America. For the majority of the drive he had been surrounded by his own thoughts and plans, but his aura assured everyone of his happiness.
Once Giles had announced the good news to everyone he made it clear to everyone that parting ways was completely an option and would not be looked down upon by anyone. After some planning, the majority of the group headed off together towards the north with the exception of the majority of the Potential-now Slayer's who met with their new watchers and scattered across the country. Kennedy decided she wanted to stick with the gang if they would let her and she was happily allowed to come along. The group squeezed into two vehicles and hit the road close to a week after their victory against the First. In one vehicle was Buffy, Giles, Willow, and Kennedy, and in the other was Xander, Faith, Robin, Dawn, and Andrew. The passenger capacity wasn't bad but with everyone's clothes and food supplies and the endless miles of driving, the vehicles felt cramped none the less.
Xander drove comfortably in the black Suburban he had been given to drive and he enjoyed the time he had to think things over without having to have it speculated by everyone else. He also didn't mind watching Faith who was sitting in the passenger seat. If nothing else her expressions always amazed him and he really liked just watching her. She was sitting with her feet pressed up against the windshield while sitting deeply in the seat headphones blasting so that he could hear the songs right along with her if no one else was talking, which had been a problem thus far. She was staring out the window with her hair lying comfortably on her shoulders, loose and curly, and her sunglasses aiding her in appearing to not be deep in thought even though Xander could tell she was. She was in a comfortable pair of baggy black sweat pants with pockets down the side of the leg and a white tank top. She had been pretty quiet for Faith since they all started planning what was going to happen to the point that Xander thought she might skip out on everyone but she pleasantly surprised him. When questioned by Giles whether she would be accompanying them she answered with, 'you think you're getting' rid of me that easy, G-man?' and a tired smile. Even though she had been quiet and stayed out of a lot of the planning she had been really helpful in packing and getting everything organized so they could actually get out of the border of Sunnydale within this decade. Xander assumed that Faith was trying to make it clear to Buffy that she wanted nothing to do with being in charge as Buffy had occasionally misunderstood Faith's involvement as competing for her position.
The look on her face now was one that made Xander wonder. He couldn't really read it, which wasn't completely out of the ordinary when it came to Faith, but he hadn't ever seen her like this – it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was just kind of weird. Like now, she was staring out of the window watching the passing scenery like she wanted to both soak every drop of it in but at the same time she was trying to forget just as much. He wondered whether Faith questioning Buffy about what she was going to do now that she wasn't the chosen *one*, was actually bothering Faith as well. He also wondered for the first time since Faith had returned to them what had been her experience in prison… Xander quickly turned that thought off in his head feeling guilt and anxiety overwhelm his body within seconds. He knew she had placed herself there, but he still felt guilt for allowing someone he cared for so much to be in that kind of situation.
In the other car, a smaller one loaded with less supplies than the Suburban was more of a cute picture than the other. The suburban had Faith and Xander in the front deep in serious thought without any exchange, Faith refusing to really look at anyone as she concentrated on the outside world, and the three in the back were also thinking. Dawn was sleeping contently in the corner behind Xander, Andrew sat in the middle seat with his Gameboy in hand but it was slumped down in his lap and he wasn't even looking at it. Robin sat behind Faith with thoughts facing through his head but his eyes more often monitored Xander than the road or the passing scenery. In Giles car, he drove and Buffy sat in the passenger seat. She was looking through the paperwork describing the houses they were going to be occupying in such a short amount of time. Willow sat behind her in the back in a relaxed and meditative sort of daze with Kennedy curled into her lap sleeping on her with her legs stretched across the rest of the back seat. Occasional conversation actually transpired in this car, but for some reason everyone just didn't feel like they should be talking…
"So are you sure that will be okay timing-wise with everything… I just want whatever is easiest," Buffy assured Giles in a soft tone as to not wake the others in the car. Giles nodded confidently answering,
"Buffy, that's absolutely fine. You have a much more free rein now… your obligation is geared more towards just being part of a family now rather than running an army. Vacations, time off… all of these things are allowed."
"Ooo, and sleeping in and hitting the snooze button, those are allowed too, right!?" she asked adding some humor and her usual enthusiasm to the scene. Giles smiled genuinely, he had never felt this way. Everything in life was the way he wanted it, the way he had dreamed about, and life was actually going to be easier in both aspects – finance and career. Slaying and fighting demons wasn't going to leave his life but it was going to be much more relaxed then before.
"Yes, Buffy…" Giles answered with a father-like understanding. Buffy expression suddenly fell and Giles noticed it right away. "We're all going to have to go through an adjustment period." She glanced over at him, always amazed at how he could read her emotions like a page in one of his books. A soft smile spread across her face and it really spread throughout her because for the first time since they left Sunnydale, she began to be excited about her new life – her normal life – and she got to experience it without having to leave the people that mattered most to her, her family.
Xander's cell phone which he nonchalantly had placed somewhere on the seat when they had set out on the drive began ringing. He fumbled for it causing the truck to swerve slightly left and right as he overcorrected the swerves still searching for the obnoxiously yelling phone. Finally Faith's hand met his causing him to jump slightly, simply from surprise, not expecting her to even move from her post, considering she hadn't really since they had left two days before. She handed him the phone which he answered, thanking her with a nod.
"Hey," he answered seeing it was Giles phone.
"Hey," Buffy answered. "There's a rest stop coming up in about a mile and we're going to pull over."
"Alrighty, we'll pull in behind you…"
"Cool… how are you guys holding up?" she asked letting her mothering side creep out slightly.
"Fine, why do you ask?" he questioned curiously.
"Well, I felt kind of bad, you didn't exactly get stuck with the giddy crowd in your car."
"We're doing fine, everyone's just resting."
"Same here… I'll see you in a few minutes."
"Okay, bye."
"Bye."
With that Xander flipped his phone closed and placed it back on the seat. Now knowing that Faith was very aware of what was going on in the car despite her appearing to be in heavy concentration on the windshield he questioned,
"So how did you hear that phone?"
"They could hear it in the other car it was so loud," she answered almost shortly.
"Yeah, but you've got those headphones blasting…"
"Slayer hearing," she answered now definitely in a short, curt tone.
"With all that great slayer hearing you'd think you'd turn down the music then," Xander muttered to himself. But with the topic of discussion, Faith's hearing enabled her to hear ever word and she delivered a swift jab into Xander's shoulder causing it to tingle and go slightly numb after a few moments. "Ouch!" he whined.
"You man, you," Faith mocked. Her mean-ness was fading and now it was just reaching Faith's usual sardonic attitude.
"That hurt," he complained. "My fingers are tingling."
"I didn't hit you that hard," she defended playfully. It was returned by Xander with a grin. Robin leaned up from the back seat and hugged the back of Faith's seat.
"How are you doing?" he asked.
"Five by five," she answered turning her head to glance at him. The tension between Xander and Robin was like electricity through the air for the first time. Neither of them had been in a room together with Faith at the same time, not to mention a car. Neither wanted to seem like they noticed or instigated it because they both knew it was something Faith would love to laugh at both of them for but the tension was something that was practically able to be touched.
"So what's the plan?" Robin finally interjected.
"We're gonna stop at the rest stop that's coming up any minute now… Buffy said we could do a car swap if anyone wanted to," Xander added nonchalantly. Robin's jaw tightened slightly but he quickly controlled it as he saw a grin begin to form on Faith's face even though she had returned to staring out of the window. Even though Faith had been staring at the scenery since they had left she had been fully aware of everyone else in the car and all of the glances that were being thrown at her by both Xander and Robin. She could even see Robin in the back through the mirror if she glanced at it just right. Before sliding back into his seat he gave Faith's shoulder a short, reassuring type squeeze that he felt was necessary before sinking away again. She gave no real reaction except a quick glance at her shoulder as if making sure it was her shoulder he had touched.
They pulled off the highway and into the rest stop parking next to their other car. Everyone exited their vehicles and congregated in front of the Suburban. They all formed a sort of askew circle, Giles standing proudly looking at everyone who had come along despite their having an option, Buffy standing beside him with Dawn now at her side leaning her head innocently on her big sisters shoulder, Andrew standing staring off into space quietly (the one who would be expected to be excitedly looking around and babbling), Faith leaning against the bumper of the truck with her arms folded, Robin stationing himself next to her, Kennedy and Willow standing side by side next to him and finally Xander closing off the circle.
"So I'll grab everyone a bite to eat – what does everyone want?" Giles inquired.
"I'll come with you Giles, I know what everyone eats," Xander said contently smiling and then walking away with Giles. Everyone began to scatter finding the bathrooms and snack machines for snacks between the future stop. Faith stayed where she was and lit up a cigarette.
"I'm going to run to the bathroom, do you want anything?" Robin asked before leaving her side. The two hadn't been together but he wasn't going to let Faith forget their little promise. He could tell she didn't want to jump into anything right away with all that had happened, but he just wanted to make her feel comfortable around him and maybe even begin trusting him. He could tell Faith had major trust issues and before he could really get close to her, he knew that was the first hurdle he was going to have to face. But he had definitely not forgotten that a sense of competition had to be maintained in order to keep Faith interested.
"From the boy's bathroom?" she asked with a smile. He smiled in return and then she lifted the carton of cigarettes from her pocket only containing one stray cigarette which shifted back and forth in the otherwise empty container. She shook it allowing him to hear it was almost empty and view the brand and with a smile he left towards the bathroom and then the small market towards the side of the parking lot. Finishing the first cigarette and starting on the last Buffy walked back over to Faith with a folder held casually under her arm.
"Hey," Buffy said sliding next to Faith on the bumper and gently hitting her side as a friendly greeting. Faith was surprised by the friendly gesture, not expecting Buffy to really make the first attempt to being outwardly friendly and she returned it with a smile and,
"Hey, B. What's the what?" she asked gesturing towards the folder with her cigarette. She exhaled away from Buffy trying to be polite and it didn't go un-noticed.
"Oh," Buffy said with a smile lifting the folder from under her arm. "It's information on the two houses we're moving into. It's got the outline and paperwork and stuff, and it has some pictures of the furniture too." She opened it up and showed Faith a few of the pictures.
"So what's with the two houses, I never really got the run down on that…"
"Well, there's this one," Buffy said showing a picture of a slightly more modern, classically designed house with wooden interior and expensive antique looking furnishing, "it's more of a house-house and it's where Giles is going to set up all of the Council stuff, it's got a huge hall where he can put in a library, and it's got a few bedrooms, we figured it could be more of the working, business kind of house where Giles stays, and I want Dawn to stay there mostly so she can concentrate on studying… the towns closer to that one with the schools and everything. I'm going to live there as well, just so I can be with Dawn more. The other house…" she held pictures up of a castle like interior house with stone floors and stairs in most of the lower levels and a more cozy upstairs living quarters, "and this is more of the training house. It's going to have all of the workout and training equipment, there's some extra space in there so they can be made into entertainment rooms, and stuff like that… really anything you guys want… I figured for the most part everyone could stay there, but if anyone needed a break the other house is definitely open to it." Buffy paused waiting anxiously for some reaction from Faith. It killed her but she found herself still trying to get approval from her, even after all that had happened between them.
"Wicked cool, B." Faith replied as everyone began to return to the cars, including Giles and Xander with their bags of provisions. Buffy gave a slight smile at getting at least some reaction from Faith but she felt much better as Faith reach over and tugged the folder out from under her arm and placed it under her own. "I'm gonna look 'em over in the car." Faith could tell she was stressed about the whole move thing but Faith was used to it – pack up and go, doesn't matter where, just go: that's what she was used to and it didn't really bother her… or so she convinced herself. This time especially, she had people she knew and cared about coming with her – this had to be one of the easiest of them all; but why did it actually feel so hard? Both of them were torn from their thought by Xander,
"Gather around guys, I have to give out coffee since all of you take it different."
They all collected their breakfast from Xander and Giles and camped out either sitting on the sidewalk or leaning against the hood of the cars.
"I don't think giving them caffeine before locking them back in a car is a great idea," Faith said mildly protesting to Xander's distribution of coffee to Dawn and Kennedy. Dawn grinned slightly and her polar counterpart frowned viciously cocking her hip to the side with her hands firmly placed. Buffy couldn't hold in her giggle at the girls reaction to Faith's clear imitation of herself that they had obviously missed reference to due to them being so used to hearing it from her. Faith grinned more internally then anything else then looked up at Buffy with a serious look and continued, "and you especially, B, you definitely shouldn't have any…" Now a grin crossed everyone's faces, especially Kennedy's. Faith laughed slightly then returned to her own cup of coffee sipping at it contently.
They left the rest stop once everyone was done eating and both cars were full of enough snacks to get them to Chile – that is if the car wasn't filled with the eaters it was. They would be lucky if these snacks lasted them till their next stop. Everyone returned to their same vehicles, something that didn't go completely unnoted by Robin. Everyone seemed to have a new energy about them and the atmosphere, although not completely reversed had changed.
The two cars continued driving towards their destinations – Giles in front and Xander following safely behind. They were both in the right lane of the two lane highway that was fairly empty at this hour (about eleven at night) except for a few stray cars scattered few and far between. Faith was sitting in the front seat without her headphones and propped up against the door with her legs criss- crossed on the seat facing Xander. He let out a loud yawn as he acknowledged a car approaching fast on their left still about a mile behind them. He decreased his speed to the limit incase it was a police officer.
"I could drive," Faith offered seeing the grogginess in his face – especially his eyes. She always liked looking at peoples eyes – the window to the soul – she always thought. She really liked his eyes because there was never anything cruel there; he wasn't necessarily not angry, or mean, or strong, but there was never anything cruel. She hated what Caleb had done to him – it took away part of him that she really loved.
"It's okay…"
"You look really tired."
"I am really tired," he said grinning at her, "but I'll be okay."
"You don't have to be okay… I can drive for you," she argued.
"I've been present with you steering the curves before, Faith, but I don't think everyone present could handle it…" he said playfully glancing quickly towards the back seat. She couldn't help but laugh especially at the snooty face he had followed his statement with.
"You're wicked proud of yourself, aren't you?"
"I think I have a right to be," he answered playfully. She appeared to be considering it and then answered,
"Alright, yeah, you can be proud of yourself…" He looked at her contemplatively for a moment then he just grinned in her direction. "That guy's going wicked fast," Faith noted at the quickly approaching car in the left lane.
"Yeah, I know," Xander answered keeping his alert up. As the car pulled up next to them Faith glanced nosily into the passenger compartment. It was a couple, looked to be about twenty years old, and both of them were smoking.
"Bet they're going to have fun tonight," Faith said in a mock- jealous tone. Xander smiled and the car gained speed and began to pass them. Quickly and out of no where a small herd of deer appeared off the left side of the highway. They began to run across the highway and Faith saw it just a split second before anyone else. "Stop!" she yelled to Xander but obviously she had seen the deer before the couple in the left lane who were forced to swerve into the right lane to avoid hitting the deer. They hadn't even completely passed the Suburban yet so Xander had to slam on the brakes keep from hitting them immediately but then he had to swerve right to avoid their car which continued to swerve towards them due to the running herd.
"Fuck!" Xander yelled as he pulled the car right hard causing them to drive off of the highway at seventy miles an hour. Dawn and Andrew both screamed from the back seat, at about the same pitch, too – and Robin immediately jumped forward and grabbed Faith trying to hold her safely. She had already been thrown into the dashboard which hit her arm that she held up to protect her face. Xander's head was thrown forward and it slammed painfully into the steering wheel but he regained himself and tried to get the vehicle under control. He dodged trees and the big ditch on their right and quickly got the car halted.
"Is everyone alright?" Robin asked quickly removing his seatbelt and checking the status of everyone in the car. He looked into the front and saw that both of them looked shaken up but they weren't severely hurt from what he could see at a quick glance. His question was answered by Faith with a painful sigh as she sat back up on the seat. Xander nodded slightly and Robin returned his attention to the backseat where Andrew was still in a panic and Dawn was now in silent hysterics. Both had been asleep before the accident and were woken by the heart shattering tightness of Xander's voice as he swerved away from the car.
"I fucking hate deer!" Faith said as she moved her right arm wearily to see if it were broken, which she didn't think it was but it was definitely going to be a nice bruise. She quickly stroked her cheek which she knew would have a matching bruise on it, but it was better then what would have happened if she hadn't cushioned it with her arm. She then looked over at Xander who was still sitting silently in his seat but she could see the blood dripping from his face now. She moved over to him in the car and kneeled beside him raising her hands up to his face.
"I'm fine," he stated as she moved to touch his face which he quickly jerked away from. It had been a while since she had touched him in that way and with all of the emotions running in his head right now and the building anger caused him to take it out on her.
"No you're not," she corrected moving towards his face again. He jerked away from her touch again this time putting his hand up between them also. She was taken aback by how much it hurt her that he didn't want her to touch him. She couldn't understand why she cared so much, but him jerking away from her touch flashed pictures from her memory into her head that she wished she never had to see again. She knew she shouldn't expect him to trust her, or even like her, but it hit a nerve deep inside of her to know he would be that blatant about it, especially after what had just happened. She bit the side of her cheek to keep the words that pushed in her throat from escaping and she moved back on the seat to add some space between them. "You're face is bleeding," she stated dryly once she was sure she could control her tone and not outwardly reveal how much he had just hurt her.
"Thanks," he responded sardonically.
"Whatever," she huffed angrily opening the passenger door and getting out slamming it loudly behind her. Xander stayed sitting in the same spot not moving an inch in reaction with her exit. Robin allowed a moments leeway knowing Xander had the first right to go after Faith, and he honestly had expected him to but when he didn't he gave Xander a quick glance of disapproval then exited the car himself after Faith. Xander didn't turn towards the back but with Robin's leave he inquired to the other two people in the car whether they were alright.
"Look at the deer," Kennedy said casually seeing them beside the highway.
"Ooo, I love deer," Buffy said happily propping herself up and turning towards the back of the car so she could see the herd of them. Willow smiled to her lover and gave her a squeeze. "Shit!" Buffy screamed suddenly as she saw the swerving of the headlights of a car from the left lane into the right cutting Xander off and causing him to swerve off of the highway at a very high speed. "Giles stop!" Buffy yelled. Kennedy and Willow had spun around to see what she was yelling about and saw the Suburban driving off the highway and down a hill into the woods.
"They're off the road!" Kennedy yelled.
"Oh my," Giles said anxiously as he pulled into the shoulder as quickly as he could.
"Faith?" Robin called as he looked around for her as he exited the truck. He looked past the truck which was slightly illuminated by the shining red brake lights so he saw he leaning against a tree only a few feet away. "You okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine, alright!" she snapped. "Would you stop fucking asking me that?" Robin stop for a momentary organization of self since with her few sharp words he felt like she had scattered him across this entire forest. Not exactly sure how to proceed he hesitantly walked closer to her till he way standing a foot away. He had never dealt with Faith when she was being outwardly angry – she had always been inward thus far.
She had brooded and separated herself, but now he had to deal with her exploding in his face. He rallied himself internally that he was used to dealing with rash teenagers in school, *you're a god damn principal, Wood!* a lot of them tried to do the bad ass thing, but here he was faced with the queen of bad asses and he was running from the challenge. *Come on Wood! What kind of a fucking man are you – you like this girl you've gotta show her you'll take the challenge! God, grow a pair, man…* He stood a little stronger in front of her now feeling his momentarily lost confidence begin to fill his veins once again.
She was leaning against a big tree with one foot propped up against it and her arms crossed across her chest. She was biting at the inside of her mouth, a habit that was both out of anger and anxiety that she had picked up at a young age, and she was staring out towards the highway they had been driving on only a few minutes earlier. He finally stepped up closer to her causing her to move her eyes onto him now. She could feel him standing there – he was a strong guy with a lot of power and nerve, something that she really liked, and hearing his breath because of his close proximity caused her to remember the night they had spent together. She felt a quick tingle run through her body for a brief second as it was reminded of the way it felt when she had his hands running all over her body. She felt his hand touch her cheek gently, but it still hurt from the impact and she slightly receded from the touch, but not as Xander had with hers. He gingerly stroked her cheek with his thumb warming her slightly chi lled face from the night time temperature.
She raised her gaze from his chest now into his eyes searching for some kind of explanation or clue as to what was going on between them. This whole follow up thing was not something she was learned in, and she wasn't sure she liked it. Once her eyes met his, without further hesitation, he stepped closer again so his body was up against hers on the tree and he kissed her. It was a kiss very similar to their first, one of slight submission and dominance on both their parts, filled with both lust and caring. She breathed him into her wanting to feel some form of comfort for the pain that had welled itself inside of her chest. His tongue caressed hers softly but confidently remembering all of the time he had spent kissing her that night. Faith was impressed and laughed to herself thinking of him taking notes on a piece of paper as he kissed her not wanting to forget anything.
His lips left hers and without stepping back he looked into her face trying to read her emotions. He silently cursed her in his head for making it so damn hard to read, but he did his best. He held her securely as much for her as himself – he was scared to lose her. He hadn't known her for long but he already knew she was someone he didn't want to have to live without. It didn't have to be a sexual relationship between them, but he knew he wanted to at least have a friendship – but being with Faith was not something he would turn down in any way, shape, or form. She was an amazing person and she had no ceased to amaze him yet and he was a person who almost prided himself in not being easily impressed. After all, his female figure that he looked up to as a child was his mother, also a slayer… strong woman was something he admired and being up to those standards narrowed the fields quite a bit for him.
"Xander!?" Willow yelled in a gasping voice as she and the others ran down the hill towards the truck.
"Faith!?" Buffy called anxiously. "Are you guys okay?" They reached the car and Xander got out assuring them that everyone was at least okay. "Where's Faith and Robin?" she asked and Xander walked with her towards where he thought Faith had gone when she left the car and where he would have followed. As they walked past the truck only a few feet Buffy caught sight of the two of them, "Oh…" she said seeing Robin pressed up against Faith who was leaning on a tree looking at each other. "Oh…" she repeated unsure of what to say. She glanced up at Xander to see whether he was giggling yet, like she expected him to be but she was VERY surprised by what she saw. He stood there practically glaring at the two of them with the words jealous practically stamped across his forehead. "You jealous?" she asked with more of a statement then a question.
"No," he answered bitterly.
Faith had heard the gang approach so with a small grin at Robin that if he blinked he would have missed it, she pushed against him slightly signaling him to back up but making him want to stay worse than before. She could feel him through his jeans making both of them want to just be in a motel somewhere, but they weren't. She smiled again, more seductively than before teasing him ruthlessly knowing he was going to have to sit in the car for hours with this hard on.
"Come on," she said casually as she got up from leaning on the tree and began walking back over to the car. "Hey, B, you missed quite the rollercoaster ride," she said lightheartedly approaching Buffy and Xander.
"Are you guys okay?" Buffy asked.
"Five by five, B. Xander just thought the whole driving in a straight line thing was getting boring so he decided to just mix it up, you know make things a little more interesting for all of us." Faith said managing to sound innocent to the untrained ear, but there was a caustic undertone to it that at being mentioned Xander realized he couldn't just stand there so he quickly turned away from them and walked back to the passenger door of the vehicle.
"So you're sure you're okay?" Buffy asked for the last time.
"You know me," Faith answered trying to make it look as though she didn't notice Xander leave. "So what's the what?" Faith asked pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.
"I think Giles said we're about twenty miles from a town so we're going to stop there for the night. I think everyone could use a little rest and… a little time alone," Buffy added hearing Xander close the car door. "Do you think we can just drive this thing out of here?" Buffy asked looking at the truck and then at the slight incline back up to the highway.
"With me driving you can," Faith answered walking up to the driver's side and hoping in. She looked over at Xander who was sitting stiffly in the seat. "Ewww, dude you got blood on the wheel," Faith joked. Seeing his expression didn't change in the least she decided she wasn't at fault, which she knew in the beginning, but now she knew she wasn't going to bother trying to fix what he fucked and it was his problem now. She had lived with three woman who hated her guts in the big house and it didn't bother her one bit. She started the engine up, scouted her path out back up onto the highway, and hauled that truck out of there not afraid to make that engine sweat. Once it was back onto the road everyone congregated around.
"I don't mind driving," Faith said getting comfortable in the drivers seat. Xander had already exited the truck and added,
"I'll ride with Giles." Wood, Kennedy, and Buffy all got into the truck with Faith and the rest of them got into the car with Giles.
"So where's this town?" Faith asked Giles.
"It's just off the next exit," he answered.
"Okay, I'll wait for you around the exit," she added and with a small nod she drove off leaving them in the dust. She wasn't a bad or reckless driver, Buffy decided sitting in the passenger seat, she just liked to drive fast.
"So what's up with Xander?" Kennedy asked. All eyes were inadvertently on Faith and she answered,
"I think," she began the words getting caught slightly in her throat, "he's just a little shook up."
"Are you sure you're alright?" Willow asked in the cute concerned voice that always held a place in his heart.
"I'm better than alright," Xander assured her, "I'm gonna have a cool bruise in the morning – I'm great!" He added in a little skip for good measure and gently bumped her with his elbow. They had arrived at a motel just off of the exit where they could get a quick stay for minimal cash since the council was going to be sending Giles his money once he was set up at the new address. Although Xander assured everyone he was just fine and they didn't have to stop, Buffy made the call that they all take a rest for a night and actually get a full night's sleep. The group mingled back together as they joined in the parking lot Xander being sure to hang towards the back of the crowd, seeing that Faith and Buffy were both leading the way.
"Make sure to ask how much each of the rooms will be before booking them, the council has yet to reach me with the wire, so liquid funds are of the nil presently," Giles said trying to circle around the simple issue.
"Okay," Buffy said understandingly.
"I'm used to being broke, G, this shouldn't be a problem," Faith assured him leaving him a bit confused as to what exactly she was getting at. The group held back in the lobby area, which was really just a few old couches and some foldable chairs, while Buffy and Faith went to the desk to book a few rooms.
"Well hello, ladies," the clerk greeted running his eyes up and down the two girls who had just walked in together. He glanced at the clock noting it was close to twelve o'clock and a grin spread across his face. "I take it you two just want a room for a night?"
"Yeah," Faith answered playing him like a piano with a matching grin creeping across her face as she played with the ends of Buffy's blond hair. Buffy felt herself blush slightly – Faith could always make her feel that way. "And I have a few friends that might want to meet up with us later, but a few of them…" she was cut off by the clerk suddenly,
"…a few, you say?"
"Yeah," Faith said her grinning getting more mischievous, "but see, let me let you in on some juicy details," she added drawing him in completely. She even leaned forward on the desk for good measure as if she were whispering him a real secret. "A few of the girls, well actually just two – well, maybe you could say three, they don't really get along right now, lots of a drama… but I don't want to bore you," she said making her voice linger in his desperate ears.
"Bored? Me? No… I'm definitely not bored," he answered quickly and almost stumbling over his words.
"Well, you see – one of the girls wasn't, shall we say satisfying the other, and the third girl was, so the first two kind of had a nasty break up…"
Buffy couldn't help but break out in a full grin as she watched Faith having a blast just making up this random story about absolutely nothing!
"…and they don't really get along, but then the one who, you know, wasn't really getting the job done – she ended up getting with another girl, a personal friend of mine," Faith said tossing him a wink, "and everything just fell together, if you know what I mean… let's just say, she wasn't having trouble satisfying her!" Faith was having fun with this now and she playfully nudged the clerks shoulder. He smiled widely hoping the story wasn't over yet, "but here's the thing, we definitely wanted them all to show because all of them have their… strong areas… and I wouldn't want to miss out on any of it – so, I know this is really short notice, but do you think you would be able to do me a favor and get us three rooms… close together, you know. And hey, you do me a favor, who knows, maybe I'll do you one too…"
Well the dumbfounded look of glee painted all over this guys face was enough to tell Faith she had done a good job and they sure as hell were going to get those rooms – and probably whatever she wanted from the clerk for that matter.
"Just come with me for a second," the clerk said heading towards the office. Faith followed actually seeing how adorable it was that this guy was having the thrill of his life right now. Buffy tensed up as Faith began to walk away with this stranger but Faith held her arm for a second before walking past her and said,
"I'll be right back," which for some reason, one she could not yet identify, it made her feel better. How did she do that? How was she able to, with only a few words completely warp and change all of those instinctual emotions that she felt? "You know, I don't really need a warm-up for the party…" Faith said entering the office with the clerk. He smiled almost childishly as he opened the cabinet with a key attached to a chain on his belt. He pulled out three sets of keys with room numbers in numerical order. As he handed Faith the keys she ran her hand across his collar, straightening it for him and adjusting his tie. "Thanks, baby," she said slipping the keys out of his hands. She leaned towards him slightly and asked in the most innocent voice she could muster, "what's the charge?" She bit her lip gently waiting for his response.
"It's already been paid in full," he assured her with a grin.
"Thanks," she said adjusting his tie one more time before turning and leaving the office. She walked back over to Buffy with a serious type of face, proud she had gotten the job done so easily.
"Did you get the rooms?"
"Yup," she answered waving the keys on her finger. They walked back towards the 'lobby' and she tossed them to Giles. "Here, G-man."
"Who do I pay?" Giles asked catching them with only a slight fumble.
"It's all taken care of," Faith said nonchalantly. Giles couldn't help but smile,
"She always was the persuasive one…" Buffy added playfully bumping into her. Wood was slightly taken aback at how easily Faith had been able to get three rooms and he had to maintain his look of surprise in order to hold down the pride he felt shooting up through his body. He glanced over to Xander to see what his reaction was, and yet again Xander surprised him. He hadn't really spent much time with him but he had thought he had somewhat of a feel for his personality, but Xander seemed to be way off. He was looking at Faith with a look almost of disgust but also as though he wasn't in the least bit surprised. He was even looking at Buffy in a disappointed glare that she was actually standing with Faith. Pushing back his feelings of surprise and even joy, Wood felt challenged and as though he needed to defend what was his and not let anyone think it was anything less that what he knew it was… but then he remembered humbling himself at once – she wasn't his.
"You guys should go up without us," Faith said noticing the clerk leaning across his desk as far as he could to try and get a second look at her and Buffy. Giles hesitated momentarily for the first time actually wondering what exactly Faith had said to the clerk, but he nodded and took the others towards the room.
"How do you want to split up the rooms?" Robin asked just before they moved away a spark of hope jumping into the back of his brain.
"You guys can share a room," Buffy began, "and Dawny, Willow, and Kennedy can have the other… me and Faith can share a room."
"Okay," he answered with a submissive sort of smile. He hadn't really spoken with Buffy much since their relationship had changed drastically from French restaurants to him having an aggressive role in Faith being named leader.
They all walked to their rooms – they were all together, two directly next to each other, and Faith and Buffy's directly around the corner. They all parted with an understood fact that they were all going to check in on each other before they actually went to bed.
"So you never really told me, B, what's the real deal between you and Robin Hood?" Faith said throwing her a smile as she brushed her teeth.
"I don't know, Faith – maybe I'll tell you if you tell me first."
"Oh, no fair, I asked you first," she protested. "And besides, you already know what happened between us – want, take, have… I had."
"Nothing happened between us."
"Bullshit," Faith said throwing her toothbrush back into her bag.
"We went out to diner… that's really it."
"Does he pay?" Faith said half joking, half not. Buffy smiled and gave a nod.
"It was a nice place too."
"Cool. So he's got money?"
"I don't know… he's a… well was, a principal and he's all mysterious so I really don't know for sure…" she was cut off of her thought process as Faith began changing. "Where are you going?" she asked noticing Faith changing her shirt from her comfortable tank top into a tight red top that had a plunging neck line.
"I'm just getting all dressed up for you, B," she said jokingly as she pulled on a pair of black leather pants. Buffy laughed and she added, "I'm just going to go out and grab some drinks. Wanna come with?"
"I think I'll pass…" Buffy admitted, "I'm really tired."
"Alright, I'll try not to wake you up when I get back…"
"Be careful," Buffy said with her big sister side leaping out of her throat.
"You know me," Faith said with a quick raise of her eyebrows as she backed out of the door.
"Yeah, that's what worries me," Buffy added as the click of the door echoed through the musty room.
Buffy changed from her black sweat pants into a pair of grey ones and a white tank top after she showered. The trip had been hot and the sun beating down on them all day had made her sweaty. She settled into her bed with a book she found on the small coffee stand that held the lamp next to it. She opened it and began reading it. It was just some cheap novel about some romance that you pick up in the grocery store for two dollars. She grazed the pages with her eyes for a few minutes only making it through about four before her eyes began to wonder around the room.
It was a cheap motel that they were staying in and definitely the type that people only rented for a quick night. She looked around and couldn't help but feel like she was in a different version of Faith's old motel room. It really was nothing like it except for the atmosphere but it was just somewhat similar. She took a deep breath wondering how long she would have been able to live in this small, cramped room with peeling wallpaper and windows with about an inch of sludge between them and any view of the outside. A knock echoed through the room and sent Buffy into a small jump of surprise.
"Buffy…" Dawn called quietly.
"Come on in, Dawny."
"Sorry… I couldn't sleep," she claimed with a yawn. Buffy glanced at the clock which now was reading quarter to one.
"It's okay," she coaxed as Dawn came over and sat on her bed.
"Where's Faith?"
"She went out," Buffy stated.
"You let her?!" Dawn asked almost angrily.
"I really have very little control over what Faith does, Dawn. And besides, I have you to boss around – why should I bother with Faith? She might beat me up," Buffy added with a grin. Dawn grinned back at her older sister happily. They were all going to be together, and they would be able to be more normal, but still be able to hold onto what they loved most – fighting evil. Dawn snuggled in closely with her sister after she turned the television on. They watched contently but the door was heard knocking again within about ten minutes.
The boys all entered their room giving each other quick glances within any meeting eye contact. Giles wasn't exactly sure what was going on but because the other two were avoiding eye contact he decided it best – and most manly – to do the same. Wood tossed his duffle bag onto one of the beds in the corner and Xander did the same with the furthest bed from his. Giles, left with the middle, walked over and sat on his bed hearing the squeaking of the spring underneath him. He groaned slightly knowing his back would be soar in the morning. He placed his bag next to the bed and began to unpack his nightwear. Wood gathered his clothes together for a shower but as he rose and walked towards the bathroom Xander had already walked in and was closing the door. He hoped he wasn't going to shower, but his hopes were dampened as he heard the water begin to beat the tile floor.
Wood tossed himself back on his bed also hearing the protest of the springs to his weight. He grinned to himself then glanced over at Giles who was already looking over his way.
"Are you alright from the little accident?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered. The two of them still held a small bond from their past alliance against Spike. Despite the negative outcome and the failure on both of their parts they did still share a bond. Neither of them liked to think about it too long though because their bond together could easily be linked to just a small bond against Buffy and they didn't like to view things that way – but it did seem to be their connection. "All of us in the backseat were fine – Xander and Faith got the brunt of it."
"Yes, Xander did seem to have some scrapes from it." Wood nodded in agreement.
"Both of them were pretty shook up," Wood added wanting to make a statement he knew Giles would certainly catch on.
"Yes, it seemed the two of them were having an argument when we arrived at the scene," Giles said confirming his understanding.
"Yeah…" Wood said listening for the running water in the shower to be sure he couldn't be overheard by Xander. "What happened between those two?" he asked curiously. Giles let out a long sigh followed by a sort of devilish grin but couldn't continue hearing the water cease in the bathroom. A silence overcame the room and Xander immerged a few moments later. Wood grabbed his things and headed for the bathroom again.
"How you holding up, Giles?" Xander asked sorting his clothes out in his bag. Giles nodded contentment as he fiddled with the electrical water kettle that the room had provided. Once he had seen that Giles was alright he stated, "I'm going to go see how Willow is."
"Alright," Giles stated almost consentingly as Xander exited.
Xander walked into Willow's room with Kennedy holding the door open for him.
"Hey, Xander," Willow greeted in her happy, but exhausted tone of voice.
"Hey Will, hey Kennedy," Xander greeted in return. "How are you guys doing on this long journey?"
"Okay," Willow answered.
"Bored!" Kennedy blurted. She had to even smile at herself. "I'm sorry, but I'm absolutely dying of boredom… I don't know how Faith and Buffy handle it – I'm jumping out of my skin here. I feel like I need to go out and do something… it's a weird feeling."
"Faith probably out walking around already," Xander stated forgetting himself for a minute. "So… how was the ride in the Giles- mobile?" he asked trying to add some much needed levity to the crowd.
Robin exited the bathroom with the towel draped around his shoulders exposing his naked torso with sharply cut muscle lines all across his stomach and his nice, dark blue jeans secured around his hips with a black leather belt. He rubbed the towel against his ear as he walked over to his bed.
"Where did he go?"
"To check on the girls," Giles stated. He immediately saw him tense and he added, "Willow, Kennedy, and Dawn." Robin nodded and tried to continue as if he had never doubted or really didn't care even though both him and Giles knew how obvious it had been.
"So what's up with Faith and Xander's past together?" he asked jumping right back to where they had left off.
"Well there's much to tell… what did you want to know?"
"It's just that there's some obvious tension between them… I can't really get a feel for it and I might be able to if I actually had a clue what was going on…"
"Fair enough," Giles answered. "When Faith first came to Sunnydale about four years ago she was immediately everybody's best friend. She was very personable and she loved to hang out and tell stories. Everybody loved her because her stories were great, she loved to laugh, and really, she was a welcomed breather from Buffy who at that time was going through a lot and really wasn't anywhere as lighthearted as she could have been. Xander loved her stories, as I've heard, since most of them were slightly provocative, although not consciously so. Anyway, he was young and she was new, daring, and well… she's quite the eye-candy," Giles added letting Ripper add his two cents in. "So as you can imagine Xander was pretty taken by her right from the start."
Wood nodded and added, "yeah, I know the feeling." Giles couldn't help but add a lighthearted chuckle into the mix before continuing.
"So as I later found out the two of them ended up spending a night together. I also heard later from Buffy that it was Xander's first time and that Faith also had a tendency to just play with the people she slept with."
"You're quite the gossip queen, aren't you?" Wood added with a grin.
"You hear a lot when you spend all of your time with a sixteen year old X-cheerleader," Giles laughed.
"So is that it, Faith got with him and they didn't part on good terms?"
"No, that's not it at all… actually, from what Buffy tells me, Xander still had quite the fancy for her, she said something about a twitch thing he did with his eye whenever she would say, 'Faith', that poor boy."
"Yeah, I kinda get a twitch too… can't say it's in my eye though," Wood said suggestively. Giles smiled in understanding as Robin pulled a black, ribbed tank on.
"Well, with Faith having a lot of trouble with the whole slip of the stake thing, he decided to go to her place and talk to her, and just make sure she was holding out okay. When he went she let him in and well, Xander hasn't really told us any of the details but Angel came in on Faith on top of him, in quite the suggestive manner, but strangling him. From then on they haven't really been on good terms."
"So what did Angel do when he came in?"
"He hit her with a baseball bat, chained her up and chained her to a wall in his dwelling," Giles said matter of factly. "It really was a turning point for everything – that was the night the council found Faith at Angel's and really the beginning of when we lost her… she was just so angry."
"So they do have quite the past together," he noted.
"Yes, they certainly do…" Giles answered as Robin swung a leather jacket on over the black tank he had on. He adjusted himself quickly as he slid his black boots on. "Where are you going?"
"I was just going to go see how Faith was holding up…"
"Now that I've given you all my gossip, I get to ask, what is going on between you two?"
"Not nearly as much as I'd like," he answered smiling, "I wish she'd be willing to at least consider the idea of… well, I don't even know."
"Do you care for her? I mean, genuinely care about her?"
"I really do… she worries me, she makes me happy with just a smile, she makes me feel like a man but in the same instant she can crush that feeling, she just… I don't know, you probably think I'm just trying to get in her pants but…"
"Just keep in mind, I don't think you are, but Faith's got a lifetime of being taught to always just think men are trying to get into her pants…"
"I know, and that's almost part of the attraction," he admitted. "It's her intense insecurity that so compelling and drawing. I don't know…"
"Well, just be careful…"
"You think she might try and choke me?" he asked with a laugh.
"It wouldn't completely surprise me…" Giles answered jokingly.
"Lemme get a Corona," Faith answered to the bartender. She hadn't walked very far from the Motel before she saw a small bar hidden away in the shadows on the street corner. She was sitting down on a stool up against the bar with a mix of exhaustion and boredom strewn across her features. The place was pretty dead with a low buzz of conversation of all of the regulars and the music playing from some radio off in the distant corner that was open for anyone to change it, which happened ever few minutes.
"Come in," Buffy answered to the knock at the door. Robin walked in, dressed quite nicely they both noted, and nodded in greeting.
"Hey, girls. Dawn, how are you feeling?"
"I'm okay. I have a little headache but no big."
"I have some aspirin in the truck if you want me to go get it…"
"No, that's okay. I'm really okay."
"Alright," he agreed with his principal voice peeking out. "What about you, Buffy, how are you holding up?"
"I'm okay," she answered honestly.
"You've got to promise me some serious talk time once we're all settled in at the new place," he stated seriously. She smiled and gave him an understanding nod, "Where's Faith?" he asked glancing around and seeing that the bathroom didn't have any occupants.
"She went out."
"Did she say where?" he asked with a hint of concern in his tone.
"Drinking," Buffy answered almost ashamed now that she had let her go.
"Okay… I'm going to go try and find her," he answered, "you know, keep an eye on her." Buffy laughed and added,
"Yeah, I'm sure you'll be keeping an eye on her…" Not knowing how to quite respond to that he gave her a mock grin and left the room.
"So this is quite the party town," Faith said sarcastically to the bartender as he handed her the beer. "Yeah, quite the party atmosphere…" he agreed. There were only about a dozen other people in the place and about three of those people probably worked there and everyone was sitting mumbling over their drinks to one another. "So I've never seen you around here…"
"Yeah, I've never been."
"Oh, we get a lot of people just passing through – it's a pretty busy highway for traveling right up off the road there."
"Yeah, that's where I stopped off from."
"Where you headed?"
"I didn't actually ask," she said with a grin. He smiled and got himself a beer to join her with.
"So you're not traveling alone?" he asked trying to get as much information as he could without actually asking what he wanted to know.
"Yeah, definitely a first… I'm with a few friends." He nodded and offered her a cigarette. She accepted and they both lit up their cigarettes. "So what's a guy like you doing in a dead town like this? You seem like more of the city type to me," she said with a wink. He laughed,
"I actually grew up in New York and moved to Boston to go to school."
"No shit! I grew up in Boston…"
"Wow, it's a small world."
"Wicked small – so how'd you get from Boston to working in the middle of no where?"
"Not really sure," he admitted. "I went to school to be a movie director, but I guess you could say I got mixed up with the wrong crowd while I was there and I ended up having my options handed to me, you know, get out of town tomorrow, or never leave alive…"
"Yeah, the usual ultimatum," she laughed.
"Yeah… so what's your story?"
"Oh, you don't want to know my story… I don't think I've got enough years left in my life to have time to tell it from start to finish."
"You seem like a cool girl," he finally stated. "What's your name?" She smiled and it was returned.
"Faith." She noticed after a moment his smile quickly faded and he grabbed a towel and began wiping off the bar top. Faith quickly glanced behind her to see the reason and she saw Wood walking directly towards her with his usual confident aura, handsome face as well as well presented, and mysterious façade.
"Hey," he said to her glancing up at the bartender. "Hey," he repeated with that false smile of his really giving off quite a strong warning. "Can I bother you for a beer?"
"Not a problem," he answered, "same as your girl?" he asked questioning both the make of the beer he wanted as well as whether or not he and Faith were together.
"Sure," he answered glancing at Faith's Corona. "You makin' friends?" he asked pulling up the stool next to her.
"Always," she answered. "What the hell are you doing here anyway?"
"It's nice to see you too," he answered. He was still proud of himself for actually finding her in this town that he had never been to before. The streets weren't well lit and he had absolutely no idea in which direction she would have headed. It had only taken him about half an hour since, as he learned from his walk, the real town was only about a mile strip along the highway. She glared at him with eyes that could kill and he added sarcastically, "I came to baby-sit you, you know, keep an eye." The glare became more intense and she defended,
"I don't need a fucking…" he cut her off and added,
"Faith, I'm kidding." He just smiled at her, which took quite a bit of confidence on his part because the looks he was receiving would have normally sent anyone running. Finally she caved, unable to continue her glares at his shining smile – it was almost worse than being laughed at, he just smiled at her like she could do no wrong.
"You're not funny," she added defiantly as she broke her frown and was forced to almost smile back at him. His damn attitude was so contagious!
"I'm funnier than you," he answered still maintaining an agreeing tone.
"Keep tellin' yourself that," she added sarcastically.
"Alright fine, will give Faith the funny award, as long as we both agree that I'm prettier than you," he answered finally able to add levity to the scene.
"You are so not prettier than me," she defended.
"Oh, come on, look at this face!"
"Don't make me," she mocked shielding her eyes playfully. He moved to punch her arm playfully in response to her making him the butt of the joke but stopped his fist quickly as he noticed the forming bruise on her arm.
"Is that from today?" he asked, concern overwhelming his tone.
"It's just a bruise," she answered definitely not comfortable with someone concerned or worried about her especially not that blatently.
"It's quite the bruise," he noted.
"I've had worse."
"I'm sure you have."
"See, like these are pretty nice," she said turning and tugging her shirt over so he could see by her collarbones.
"Shit, where are those from?"
"When B went down in the hellmouth I stopped to help her and like four vamps tackled me to the ground. They had me down for a while, I was just trying to keep those sons of bitches from biting me… they got in a few good punches – but I got in a few good splinters."
"God those have to hurt," he said still amazed that she was so nonchalant about it all. He had had some pretty bad hits, but none of the ones like those did he just keep going with. He moved his hand up and touched it softly.
"Yeah, I don't really like having my ass kicked," she admitted.
"I know the feeling," he agreed.
"We're popular tonight," Buffy said to Dawn as Xander knocked on their door. "Come in," she called. He came in and looked a little surprised to see Dawn there.
"Did Dawn and Faith pull a switch?" he asked lightheartedly.
"No, Faith went out and Dawn missed me," she answered proudly.
"You missed *her*?" Xander asked sarcastically. Dawn giggled and he sat on the edge of the bed. "Where'd she go?" he asked seriously.
"I don't really know… she went to go get some drinks."
"Woody went with her?" Buffy smiled at Xander's nickname and nodded. "That guy is sick – he follows her around everywhere."
"You know, I think he's developing an eye twitch too," Buffy added sarcastically. Xander was shocked that she had taken a punch at his ego like that and he could do nothing else but slightly cower at the end of the bed.
"I was a horny teenager!" Xander spat, "he's a grown guy – hell he's a principal! He was supposed to get over following the badass girl around when he graduated high-school! He runs one and he's still doing it."
"Like you?" Buffy asked making it clear that she had sensed the tension between him and Faith.
"I never followed her around like that! And I especially don't now," he defended.
"You want to though," Buffy stated but almost questioned too.
"No way," he defended a little too quickly.
"Whatever," she answered with a giggle. Dawn got up off of the bed,
"I'm going to go to bed," she stated exiting the room.
"I just lost the woman I loved, Buffy. Do I need to remind anyone else of that – Anya is dead. What gives you the right to accuse me of being hot for Faith?" he stated now close to yelling.
"Xander, I'm not accusing… if I were it would mean you were doing something wrong. There's nothing wrong with liking someone else, Xander. Especially someone who you have a connection with like Faith."
"There is no connection between us!" Xander answered angrily. "There never was and there never will. There's only one thing that girl is interested in, and the only connection she has with people is skin," he added remembering her words echoing in his ears that night.
"Calm down," Buffy ordered.
"Oh, so now that she's good again you're just going to jump to her defense like you always used to again?"
"Stop it! If you think you have a past with Faith then you better just think of what it was like for me."
"Oh, of course it had to be worse for you, no one could have a worse experience than Buffy!" he said condescendingly. "Everything's harder for you." He wasn't sure what had changed between them that he was venting like this on her and on everyone, but he didn't care. He needed to say it so he did.
"Xander," she continued calmly, "Faith was like a sister to me, and we went through a lot together. We had a connection, and it wasn't skin. If you think your woes rank up there with having to stab someone who you love and care about, and who you know could've done things different if only you maybe had been there more, then go right ahead, but don't talk to me like it's fact. I'm almost as much to blame for the things Faith did as she is…"
"Fine," Xander stated submissively.
"I'm sorry about everything that happened Xander, I really am, but we all have things we're taking away from this – we all have to deal."
"Yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll just deal, Buffy." He answered sardonically walking out of the room.
"Hey, Faith," the bartender said finally returning to them. "It's almost four and I've gotta start closing up."
"Alright," she smiled. She gave him a devilish grin and then reached into Robin's back pocket and pulled out a twenty. She tossed it onto the bar and he smiled and took it up. Robin was stuck staring at Faith in disbelief before he could protest otherwise. "Thanks."
"My pleasure," he answered with a kind smile tracing across his face. "It was nice to meet you."
"Yeah," she answered.
"Have a good trip," he added.
"Thanks."
"So are you always on a first name basis with the bartender?" Wood asked as they walked out of the bar together.
"Only when they're cute," she responded knowing it would bother him. "Do you think I should go ask for his number? He would so give it to me…" she added playfully.
"I didn't think you were going to ask for his number… I just thought you two would 'hang out' together tonight." He added using the finger quotes for good measure.
"Shut up," she said punching his arm.
"What?" he asked innocently. "From what I've heard…"
"If I've learned anything about life, it's never to listen to what people tell you about a person. You've gotta just figure people out on your own."
"Has anyone ever told you that you're really fucking hard to figure out?" he asked her as they stopped on the corner for her to light a cigarette. She looked like she was really thinking about his question and she exhaled slowly,
"You know, I don't think anyone's ever tried before…"
"Let me tell you, I'm trying, but I don't think I'm doing very well."
"Yeah, you're pretty fucking bad at it," she answered sarcastically tilting her head in front of his and smiling mischievously at him. Her lips were inches away from his and she really needed him to just touch her already.
"Yeah, I know," he admitted stepping away from her knowing full well how much she wanted him to just kiss her. "I'm just about ready to stop trying," he warned beginning to walk again.
"I never knew you were a quitter," she answered following him back to the motel.
"I never was… you can change a man, Faith," he stated matter of factly.
"I've been told that," she answered exhaling the smoke again.
"Yeah, I'm sure there's not much you haven't been told," he answered.
"You have no idea," she answered with a sigh. She looked up at the moon overhead as they entered the motel parking lot. She grabbed his wrist and pulled it so she could see what time it was on his watch. "It's four thirty – I've got a motel room, I've been to a bar, and I'm still not gonna get any tonight," she whined putting on a childish frown. He had to laugh at the mix of two worlds – she was both whining like a little four year old child and complaining about her lack of sex for the night. The way she could mix things like that could make him laugh to no end. They both walked towards their parked cars in the lot rather than the rooms; neither of them were quite ready to go to sleep yet.
"Would this make it any better?" he asked as he leaned towards her and finally met her lips with his. He kissed her softly never parting his lips except to gently pull hers in between his. He pulled away from her and looked into her eyes.
"No," she whined moving in for another. This time she grabbed his jacket and pulled him into her firmly pressing him against her as she kissed him more passionately than the first time. This kiss she was in charge of whereas the first was all him. She held him close with one hand on his jacket and the other she wrapped around his neck running her tongue through his mouth lustfully. He dropped his arms around her hips as he pushed her up against the side of their truck.
"How about now?" he asked finally pulling away from the kiss. She dropped her hand down from his jacket and down to his belt. She unbuckled it and then rested her hand on the button of his jeans. She bit her lip gently and undid the button,
"Maybe now," she suggested in a honey coated tone glancing up at his eyes almost daringly. She could see the hesitation in his features and she gently reached for his hand and pushed it underneath her shirt by her stomach and guided it behind her back so he was holding her firmly. "Come on," she coaxed gently kissing his lower lip.
"Hey gu-" Kennedy cut herself off as she realized what she had walked in on. Robin quickly jerked away from Faith and she remained leaning against the truck just the same.
"Hey, Kennedy," she said in a pissed off tone. Kennedy looked at her apologetically seeing just how angry she really was even though she was trying to control herself. Xander and Dawn came around the corner and they too approached the group. "What the fuck is this!?" Faith asked angrily.
"Sorry, did we interrupt something?" Xander asked obnoxiously. "Real classy, Faith."
"Dawn needed some aspirin," Kennedy tried to explain seeing the situation escalating immediately. She could understand Faith being so pissed off because, although she didn't express this energy inside of her the way Faith did, she could actually understand now why she was always so restless.
Faith looked over at Robin to see what he was planning on doing about all of this but he was just standing there, appearing somewhat embarrassed and mortified. She groaned in disgust lighting a cigarette.
"Whatever," she finally said walking away from all of them and towards her and Buffy's room. Kennedy stood there watching her go wanting to be able to say something that would just make things a little bit better, but she couldn't think of anything that could possible make it any less worse. Dawn crawled into the truck rummaging for her bag with the aspirin in it. Wood had begun to compose himself but the Xander shot him right back down.
"So, trying to get in a nice, romantic quicky in the parking lot?" he asked sarcastically.
"No…" he defended fruitlessly.
"Oh, well then you forgot to do up your pants before you left," Xander pointed out. He quickly re-buttoned his jeans and did up his belt. "Wow, you really care about her, don't you?" Xander added with his words dripping with sarcasm. With his closing statement still ringing in Wood's ears he turned back towards the rooms grimacing with disgust.
"Found it!" Dawn declared jumping out of the truck finally. Wood walked her back to her room before returning to his own, unable to get Xander's words to stop ringing in his ears. Kennedy walked towards the rooms last wanting to give herself some time to think. She couldn't get rid of that feeling of restlessness within her, and she could see how it could drive someone crazy, especially someone like Faith who was pretty restless anyway. She walked past Buffy and Faith's room before going back to her own.
Faith stormed into the room slamming the door behind her. Buffy jumped up from her sleep and asked quickly,
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she answered. Buffy could tell by her tight tone and her quick pace that she was far from fine.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" she spat in response pulling her duffle bag off the ground and onto the bed. She rummaged through it and pulled out a change of clothes. She finally stopped going through the bag and threw it down onto the floor. She made herself sit calmly on the bed holding her head in her hands for a moment to calm herself. Buffy watched her catch her breath and force herself to calm down – a skill she noted Faith had probably just recently acquired. She also made a mental note that she too used to control her temper by just sinking it all in and making it disappear. It never disappeared; it just built up and made her explode. She definitely didn't want to see Faith explode, she was bad enough, but she knew for a fact Faith would be a hell of a lot worse than she could ever be.
"Faith?" Buffy asked cautiously seeing Faith still hadn't moved.
"Yeah, B?" she asked still holding her head down in between her hands.
"You should try and get some sleep… we have a long day tomorrow."
"I don't sleep well when I'm like this," she answered finally raising her head up and looking at Buffy.
"You should at least try," she added.
"Night," Faith said as she walked into the bathroom with her clothes.
With a yawn Buffy sat up in bed woken up by the furious tossing and turning she heard from Faith's bed. She glanced at the digital clock on the stand near her bed and it read 5:15 in bold, neon green lettering. It hadn't been long since she had fallen asleep with Faith going into the bathroom for a shower, so it had been an even shorter time since Faith had gone to sleep. When she said she didn't sleep well, she wasn't kidding, Buffy noted as the brunette tossed uneasily with a look of tension strewn across her features. Her expression looked like she was in pain, a sight that sent Buffy into an anxious state of worry. It seemed so weird to her, but once she thought about it for a few moments it all fell into place like a puzzle with several intricate edges. Faith, someone who claimed her inner demons didn't bother her or even weigh her down (or at least she used to), they were emotions she couldn't suppress in her sleep, and God did they haunt her then.
Buffy sank back down onto her pillow, resting her head lightly while she still watched Faith intensely not wanting to miss anything. She was absolutely fascinated but also quite worried. She listened closely as she began to breathe laboriously but slowly, which was then followed by a low, almost inaudible whine. Suddenly she gasped and let out a cry,
"No!" she sat bolt upright regaining her breath. She swallowed hard as she glanced around the room try to collect her thoughts. Buffy watched as she rubbed her face to rid it of the accumulation of sweat that had formed around her forehead and cheeks. When she was content with her breathing being back to normal she lowered herself back into bed obviously trying to calm herself from the terrible dream she had just had. She seemed reluctant to fall asleep again, but the daze of dreaming and the sleepiness of early morning overcame her and she closed her eyes again.
Buffy calmed herself, a little shocked from what had just occurred and began to attempt sleep once again also. But she was even more shocked that Faith was tossing once again as soon as sleep had overtaken her. She watched her every move and with the dim sunlight creeping through the windows she could even see the white of Faith's knuckles as she grasped the pillow with her full strength. Her features were held tightly in a way one might hold it either when they are crying or when they're preparing to get punched in the face. She recoiled from some unseen thing with a pleading expression and barely audible pleads,
"…please… I'm… sorry… don't… please… I… don't… want to… die… I know… I'm… sorry…" her voice was so pleading and beseeching that Buffy could barely recognize it as hers. The volume of her voice was so low that Buffy, even with her advanced hearing struggled to make out the words. "Buffy… NO!" she finally cried out once again being ripped from her sleep and sent flying up into a sitting position this time grasping her stomach tightly. Buffy's breath caught in her throat as she put some of the puzzle pieces together. She still couldn't beckon herself to move – her brain just wouldn't respond. Faith fell back onto her pillow feeling frustrated and tired. It took her a little longer to find sleep again, but it didn't take her mind any longer to send her tossing and turning again.
She finally stopped herself from turning and she grasped her pillow tightly. Buffy couldn't believe how much it shrunk Faith down to size to see her struggling with her own mind. The simple act alone of her not being able to sleep made her seem like so much more of a child, even though Buffy knew she had plenty of things that kept her mind racing, she couldn't help but see how childlike the behavior was. With a breathy sigh Faith was once again dragged from sleep. She exhaled loudly in frustration opening her eyes in defeat. She had had enough of her minds' games and she finally got up out of bed.
God talk about not being able to get over it, Faith thought mocking herself viciously. She glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, 5:40. Not even an hour ago she had been outside… she sifted through her thoughts trying to clear her mind of all of the things that were presently clouding it so heavily she could barely open her eyes all the way and be able to focus on what was in front of her.
"Are you okay?" Buffy finally asked. Faith jumped slightly at her voice,
"I'm kinda sick of you asking me that," Faith said not sparing her wonderful morning attitude with everyone else.
"You weren't kidding when you said you didn't sleep well," Buffy added nonchalantly taking Faith down a peg. She stopped rummaging through her bag and set her gaze on Buffy.
"Yeah, I usually don't…"
"Really?" Buffy asked unsure of how she would be able to handle herself if every night of hers was like the one she just watched Faith have. "Is that always how you sleep?"
"Depends how I feel when I go to sleep," she answered.
"Like how?" Buffy asked curiously.
"I don't know…" Faith answered never really having thought about it to the extent of being able to put it into words. "If I'm all tense or you know, don't get the right releases, then I usually don't sleep too great…"
"The right releases?" Buffy questioned with a smile.
"You know, like a good slay or a good screw… either one will do – both are best though," Faith answered honestly. "And if I do, then I sleep alright…"
"Just alright?"
"Yeah," she answered, "I'm not picky." Buffy nodded making a huge mental note to add to her section that was devoted all to figuring her out – Faith's demons liked to attack her when she slept and couldn't fight back. It was a terrible feeling, Buffy thought, to know that you can never really rest or have real peace. She remembered Angel telling her about dreams that haunted him. He said they still happened on occasion to him, but they had definitely faded since he had repented. Buffy knew Faith was in the process of her repentance, she guessed her time in prison hadn't completely encompassed her full repentance.
"Yeah, I was supposed to grow out of nightmares when I was a kid," Faith added shoving her things into her duffle bag. "Well, kiddy dreams finally went away… but then different ones moved in," she said gesturing towards her head trying to play it off like a joke, even though Buffy knew it obviously wasn't.
"You used to have nightmares as a kid?" Buffy asked curiously.
"Yeah, doesn't every kid?"
"I guess so, to some extent… it just surprises me."
"What does?"
"I just never saw you as someone who would have nightmares," she answered honestly.
"Well, I've seen a lot of shit," Faith stated honestly.
"I know," Buffy comforted.
"No you don't," Faith corrected with a slight laugh in her tone. She didn't say it angrily, just with a sigh in her voice as she seemed to try and refocus herself before she could think about it any more. "So when are we heading out?"
"What was prison like for you?" Buffy blurted out uncontrollably.
"You wanna know what the big house was like?" Faith asked slightly taken aback. She had always viewed Buffy as one of those people who just didn't want to think about things like that and would prefer to just assume all the things she had heard weren't true.
"It changed you, Faith…" Buffy answered from somewhere deep within her heart. Faith could tell her words didn't decipher whether it was a negative or positive thing, or both, but it was clear that she had noticed a change, one that Faith had noticed and could feel with ever movement she made. She felt different, she thought different, and she saw the world and the people in it very different. She couldn't really describe how, or necessarily blame it completely on being locked away, it could have just been the corrosive results of her mind thinking over everything for so long. Whatever it was, she didn't think she was really ready to talk about it – all she knew was she didn't like it and it was something she didn't want to ever have to go through again.
"It does that," she stated plainly as she zippered up her back finally.
"I didn't think it possible," Buffy began, "but you actually talk *less* about the way you feel then you used to…"
"You learn real quick that no one really gives a shit about how you feel," Faith answered plainly tossing her bag at the door. Buffy felt a pain rise up within her starting at her feet and engulfing her entire body in a matter of seconds. Faith's words confirmed one of her biggest fears – since she had met Faith she had sensed that sort of attitude that she was used to people just not caring about her and that was how her and the gang had tried to help Faith to understand they were on her side, by showing her that they cared. The fact that she had now been subjected to an atmosphere that compounded that feeling, it made Buffy feel ill and like she had done wrong by Faith, which she thought she was already feeling guilt for, but now she was really feeling it.
Buffy knew Faith had made her own choices and it was her ultimate decisions that led to her demise, but she also knew that it was Faith's anger and insecurity that led to those choices she made. She had thought seeing Faith now after her being away for so long that she had become more confident and less angry in a weird sort of way, but now she was quickly realizing that yes, she had come to terms with a lot of the things she had done, but her anger had only depleted in a way that fed her insecurities and inner pain, in a strange way making her more angry. The anger had changed, Buffy noted, except now it was focused more on a self-loathing rather than a hatred of the world. She hadn't completely flipped, she still distrusted everything and knew the scum of the world more closely then she knew she ever wanted to, but in a way she had recognized that it was her own fault that she had been through that and for that she hated herself more than everyone else.
The door finally knocked and Faith, being closer to it, walked over and opened it up leaning against the doorframe. Willow was standing there and Faith caught her jump seeing Faith behind the door. She could tell she was remembering all of the times she had come to her old motel room looking for Buffy, and how 'nice' she had been. Faith had always had a thing with Willow, she was her only real competition with being best buds with B, and because of that there had always been a slight tension between the two. It had faded since then, but when caught off-guard, like just now, it was noticeable.
"Hey, Red," Faith finally greeted.
"Hey, Faith," she answered. Faith stepped away from the door allowing her in. "Hey, Buffy," she greeted with a smile and a small wave. Buffy was sitting on the bed packing up her bag and she smiled and answered,
"Morning." All three of them simultaneously realized the similar scene from a few years back. Willow had been worried about school and stressed about some family problems and she really needed to speak to Buffy about them. She knew she had been busy getting all buddy buddy with Faith, but her emotional overload sent her out seeking her friend and she knew she had to go to Faith's motel room because that was exactly where Buffy was going to be. When she had gotten there Faith answered the door standing in the doorway hovering above her making her feel three inches tall. She couldn't help but remember how she stuttered, 'is-s-s-is Bub-buf-buffy he-he-here?' Faith had just laughed at her then and walked into the motel room and Willow had followed anxiously behind her seeing Buffy then sitting on Faith's bed rummaging through some CD's.
"Giles is already packing up the car," Willow finally continued snapping out of her memories. It went by hardly noticed by the other two because they two had been slightly sucked away in remembering the past.
"I'll go give him a hand," Faith said giving her a friendly smile and picking up her bag off of the floor. She headed out of the room towards the vehicles.
"How's my Willow?" Buffy asked looking at her friend still standing there slightly nervously.
"She's being perfectly friendly… perfectly sane… really well behaved, and she still scares the crap out of me, Buffy!" Buffy couldn't help but laugh at her friend who was obviously trying really hard to return the nice gestures to Faith, but now it was clear that she was truly struggling with it. "I feel terrible that I feel that way, but I can't help it… at least when I went to Angel's knowing she was there I had an excuse to be scared, she had just gotten out of prison… well, broken out, and I didn't know how much better she was going to be – but now I know that she's really trying and that she's been nothing but help…"
"She's got an intimidating personality," Buffy comforted. "It's the only way she's survived this long…"
"Hey, G-man," Faith greeted tossing her duffle bag into the trunk of the Suburban.
"Good morning, Faith," he answered as he meticulously placed all of the bags into the back seat of the car so that they would all fit without crushing anything.
"Do I have time to run and grab a bite to eat before we go?" Faith asked seeing that he was done with the packing.
"Xander already-"
"I got everyone breakfast already," Xander said cutting him off as he approached the vehicles with bags in hand. He placed them all down in the backseat of the truck. "Here," he said without directly looking at her and in a tone to match as he handing her a cup of coffee. He was still standing in the doorway of the back seat of the truck and she was leaning against the side.
"You must have been up early," she noted taking the coffee from him.
"I didn't sleep well," he muttered in the same indifferent tone as before.
"Yeah, me either," she said trying to get a real conversation going.
"Pity," he answered taking his coffee out of the bag and walking away from her. She glared at him in disbelief as he walked away towards Dawn and Kennedy who were now approaching with their bags. Dawn stopped with Xander and began talking to him but Kennedy went right around the two bee-lining for Faith. She saw her standing there alone with a look of slight disbelief on her face and she also couldn't help but notice the bag with her breakfast right beside her in the truck.
"Hey," Kennedy greeted.
"Hey," Faith responded, "do you have any smokes on you?"
"Faith, I don't smoke…" Kennedy defended not really wanting to directly say no and disappoint her.
"Well you should," Faith said matching the tone that a teacher might use when instructing a student of something to do that would be beneficial for their future.
"Sorry."
"Nah, don't worry about it," Faith coaxed… well, as best as she did coax at six o'clock in the morning, if ever.
"About last night too… I didn't realize… if I had I would have kept everyone from walking over…" Faith sighed and answered,
"It's alright, kid… nothing I can't handle," she comforted. Kennedy had complete trust in her but when Xander walked over to the breakfast bag with Dawn and didn't even raise his gaze in the surrounding location of Faith she knew things were pretty bad.
"So what's for breakfast?" Faith asked.
"I got a bunch of egg and cheese sandwiches… I didn't think you'd want any though – I'll go back and get you one if you do," he offered weakly.
"Nah," she shrugged, "that's alright… I'm not really hungry." Kennedy could feel the tension in the air even though it seemed Dawn hadn't picked up on it yet. The two of them were being very well behaved with the growing tension, but it was something that Kennedy would never have been able to miss. She couldn't help but feel bad for Faith, but she could tell sympathy was the last thing she wanted.
"You sure?" Xander offered again even more weakly than the first.
"Yeah, I'm good," Faith answered with a fake smile, not that he could even see it since he had his gaze focused in a completely different direction. She saw Wood walking from the room towards the cars and she left the little group and walked up to him.
"Good morning," he greeted delicately.
"Can you spot me a five?" Faith asked glancing at him quickly and then back down the street at a little shop seeming slightly fidgety to him.
"What for?" he asked as he pulled it out of his back pocket.
"Thanks." she said shortly as she took the money from his hand and walked towards the shop without a further word or gesture.
"Sorry," Faith said as she climbed into the truck's backseat. The two vehicles were pulled out of their spaces and waiting one behind the other ready to go when she finally came back. She slammed the door and tried to make herself comfortable for the long day of driving ahead of them. They began driving and she looked up noticing the slight difference in the way the truck was being handled. She saw Willow behind the wheel of the truck and it made her laugh inside. Seeing the petit woman behind the wheel wasn't nearly as hysterical as her brain was making it out to be – but it was because she couldn't help but look up there and see the small little girl she used to know in her jean overalls and childish flower hat. She glanced around the rest of the truck to see who else she was with and she saw Buffy in the front seat where she had been sitting yesterday, and she noticed Xander sitting on the other end of the backseat. He had himself practically pressed against the door to ensure maximum distance between the two of them.
"So what's the plan for today? Do we have a plan?" Xander asked realizing finally that their gang very rarely had a thought out plan of attack, ever!
"We have a plan!" Willow declared proudly glancing at him through the rear view mirror.
"We do?" Buffy asked quickly adding, "I didn't help plan our plan…" slightly upset that she had had nothing to do with the planning of their plan.
"It's not a big plan," Willow assured. Faith smirked over at Xander, which caused him to quickly change his gaze which had somehow once again ended up on her. "We're just going to stop at a little roadside town for dinner. Me and Giles looked it up on the map and we should get there around nine o'clock if we don't hit any traffic."
"So until then we just drive," Buffy stated questioningly hoping there was someway that wouldn't be true.
"I think we're going to have to stop for gas pretty soon, but other than that, yeah, we're just driving." Faith groaned in response and sunk back into her seat. She had spent almost four years sitting in a cell just waiting for the time to pass and the thought of spending another day locked in the car sounded intolerable. She put her sunglasses on and propped her feet up against the back of Buffy's seat resuming her gaze out of the window.
Xander glanced over at her again taking note of her. She had her hair pulled up in a clip with pieces hanging down making it appear to be a nonchalant, careless act but the placement of each little piece made it obvious to him that it had been meticulously done. Her eyes were covered by her dark sunglasses and she wore a flattering red tee-shirt that complimented the sky-blue sweatpants. Unlike the pair she had worn the day before these were tight and showed off her figure rather than the other which were just baggy and alluded to the fact.
Snapping himself away from his now staring gaze he asked,
"Can you guys put on some music?"
"Sure," Buffy answered complimenting his idea. She fiddled with the radio for a while till she found a good station to keep it on that seemed to please everyone and one that Faith didn't hate. They drove for hours, all of them losing themselves in the music, making the miles seem to go by quicker. Xander leaned against the window which was already warming itself from the sun hitting it for so long. The songs formed pictures in his head as he zoned out. After a quick radio ad a song he hadn't heard in years played. (Eve6 – "Leech").
((Tell those stories to me I'm dying to hear the things you've done and seen Farfetched as they may be You strike a smile in me Your stories ring of perjury Construed with self empowering theme))
Pictures formed in his head and his memory brought him back to his senior year of high school. He remembered Faith coming to town and all of the stories she had charmed everyone with, especially him. He remembered listening to her contently feeling like he could just listen to her forever – the way she spoke, the slight accent that slipped out at the end of a few sentences, the things she spoke about… he knew listening to some of them that they were bazaar and probably stretched, but he didn't care. Just listening to her had made him feel wanted.
((Suckin' on my brain you're the teacher I'm the student Turning things around your story's not congruent Tabloid decoys pitiful excuses Turning things around You're turning things around))
The scene of his memory changed into Faith's old motel room the night he had gone over to talk to her about the murder. He felt as though he we standing in front of her all over again – he could feel everything like it was actually happening. He felt the nervous energy rushing through his veins and the desperate hope that she would trust him. He remembered how scared and weird, but at the same time how good it felt with her on top of him sucking his lip, then biting it painfully followed by her kissing and licking his entire face. He remembered talking to her and saying things clearly and concisely to the point not wanting her to be able to interpret anything he said the wrong way, but she had still turned everything around using scapegoats, changing the shades of meanings in his own words and being able to completely spin him around in half a heartbeat.
((A manic stunning scene I'm taking notes you're taking me away into your false reality I know you comfort lies in lying to try to make your life make sense But you're not making sense I'd say it aloud but I'm not allowed))
Remembering how she had then tried to convince him that he was only there for a 'second taste' he remembered his first taste. The whirl of emotions: fear and excitement mixing together in a way that made him both confident and hesitant. Even though she had denied it, or maybe not even realized it, he knew he had seen a part of her that she had never intended on letting him in on. He saw how the lust and desperation built up inside of her was just her way of dealing with things, and how sex was really something that took her to a place that let her forget about everything except how good it made her feel. He could practically hear her moans in his ears as he sat there watching the road flashing quick glances her way. Her passion and desire to go to that place was what enabled her to bring him with her. He remembered the feeling so vividly of her moaning softly to him as he left the nervousness of keeping up with her behind and drifted off with her to a place where nothing else mattered but her and how she was making him feel.
When it had come to a finish he remembered the best part – getting to hold her in his arms. He caressed her soft skin and looked into her telling eyes. He remembered wanting so badly to say something, something that would just make those eyes smile. Her face was smiling, but he remembered that her eyes had something lying underneath them. He wanted to just say something to quiet that pain and to straighten her world out to make it stop spinning and finally just make sense. Make him make sense to her – to make her believe that he wanted her, and not just for what they had just done.
((I see your head spin round and round Broken record talk tonight skip that needle back and forth on your mind wearing out unconvincing lies))
Before he could figure out something to say that would show her how he felt he remembered the horrible feeling of her moving away from him and leaving him cold in the bed. She had taken the sheet with her and wrapped it skillfully around her like a towel. He could see by the look on her face that she wanted to say something and it obviously was bothering her but she immediately suppressed it, quieting her emotions, and she hurried him to leave. He remembered the feeling of confusion that rushed through him as she pushed him to go, fogging the clarity of the situation. 'I've gotta shower…' was the best lie she could muster to him looking up at her standing at her door in his underwear.
((Like a seedling dropped from an old oak tree your shade don't hide no sun from me Fake stories humor me It's graduation time I love you))
He laughed quietly to himself as he remembered how he felt. It was definitely a confusing time in his life – more so than most guys graduating from high school. He remembered going home that night after his 'secret battle' and even going to see his friend the next day as they all told him he had missed it. He remembered laughing on the inside knowing that Faith's lies hadn't hidden any of her insecurities from him and her stories, even if they were stretched at times, they still made him smile. Suddenly his focus changed as he saw a blonde walking down the side of the highway on the other side. His thoughts immediately switched to Anya and guilt overwhelmed him that he had even thought of thinking of someone else.
Xander quickly snapped out of his little trace as he realized Faith meet his eyes that he then realized had been staring straight at her for god only knows how long.
"What?" she asked as he shot her a look.
"Nothing," he answered resuming his stare on the road ahead.
"So is there anything written in your books about slayer restlessness?" Kennedy asked as her fidgetiness had finally started to drive her nuts, not to mention that it had already taken effect on the rest of the car about an hour before that.
"Is there a cure?" Robin asked quickly.
"It's completely normal, Kennedy," Giles explained ignoring Woods question. "A slayer is meant to be on the prowl or intensely training…"
"Yeah, not sitting in a car for three days!" She whined, "I need some serious energy burning."
"You could always use Faith's methods," Andrew muttered. "Oh, but wait Willow's in the other car… too bad."
"Shut up, Andrew," Dawn scolded.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Robin asked spinning towards him from the front seat.
"Nothing… she just seems to know how to burn her energy," he answered even surprising himself in his lack of intimidation. He just didn't care anymore.
"You know what!" Wood yelled practically jumping into the back seat.
"Hey, hey, hey," Kennedy defended jumping between them. "Chill. Andrew, shut up."
"Ooo look, now we have little Miss Buffy Jr.," Andrew added ignoring her.
"Hey!" Kennedy defended.
"See, if I had called her Faith she wouldn't have had a problem with it," Andrew added not really talking to anyone in particular.
"Andrew," Giles said almost pleading, "could we please contain anything negative we have to say, at least for the time being…"
"I haven't said anything this entire trip, and I can't take it anymore!"
"Andrew, we'll be arriving either late tonight or in the early hours of the morning… for the time being, please refrain from saying anything that might start an argument."
"But I-"
"We're all tired and cranky-" Giles said cutting Andrew off but he was cut off by Wood adding,
"Yeah, some people in particular."
"We're *all* tired and cranky," he repeated, "and we all just have to get along until-"
"Ooo, rest stop!" Kennedy pointed out approaching on the side of the highway.
"Oh thank heavens," Giles said putting on his blinker and moving towards the right lane so they could pull off.
"Good boy," Willow praised as Giles pulled off the highway at the little town they had designated for dinner.
"Table for nine," Giles answered the waiter. He nodded and they followed him to a table towards the back of the diner. It was nothing special but they looked like they'd have decent food, fairly fast service, and they'd be able to accommodate their fairly large group. Everyone filed around the table finding their seats. The waiter took their order for drinks and said he'd be back in a few moments.
"In diner language, he'll be back in twenty minutes," Xander stated proudly.
"Hey, I didn't know you spoke two languages," Faith praised condescendingly.
"Yeah, that's kinda like when I found out you-"
"So what is everyone thinking of getting?" Kennedy asked quickly cutting Xander off being able to anticipate what his next words might be. Everyone was slightly taken aback by Xander's attitude. He'd been in a rank mood since they woke him up as they approached their stop. He had been hissing and every single thing Faith had done, including smoking.
"I don't know," Willow answered in a slightly whining tone, "what are you getting, baby?"
"I was thinking about the steak sandwich…"
"That sounds good," Giles agreed noting it on the menu.
"So, what are you getting?" Xander asked directing his question at Wood.
"I'm not really decided…"
"What were you thinking about?"
"Well the chicken cutlet looks pretty good."
"Oh, my mistake," Xander added sarcastically. He was quickly nudged in the ribs by Buffy causing him to scowl in protest. "So, I never really got the whole story on you – how did you get the job at Sunnydale?"
"I heard about the opening and I had been planning to come to Sunnydale as soon as I could since I had heard of the Slayer there."
"So you came for Buffy?"
"I-" Wood began to answer but Buffy cut him off.
"Giles and I looked up some things on the area we're moving to Xander, and there's a construction company set up not that far away… it should be easy for you to find some work when we get there."
"Yeah," he nodded. "I haven't really decided if I want to go back to work right away though."
"Yeah, about that," Dawn added, "Buffy, I'm not so sure I'm ready to go back to school already… I think it would be really beneficial for me to take some time off," she urged with a convincing smile plastered across her face hoping her speech would work.
"Take it from me, Dawn," Faith spoke up seeing that Buffy was struggling with exactly the right words to say 'hell no!' to her, "once you take a little while off of school, you don't want to go back."
"You mean I don't ever have to go back?"
"No!" Buffy spat.
"That's not what I meant," Faith clarified, "don't follow my example, follow Buffy's… well, most of it," Faith added shooting Buffy a playful grin.
"Yeah, let's definitely clarify – don't follow Faith's example," Xander stated in a mean-spirited tone, "in anything."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Faith asked defensively.
"It's supposed to mean that she shouldn't repeat *anything* you've ever done or even thought about doing because they're all bad things and Dawn actually *has* a chance at a future."
"Settle down," Giles ordered.
"You almost dragged Buffy down with you before and I don't need to watch you do the same with Dawn or Kennedy."
"Yeah, because my examples been a lot worse for them than the one you're setting right now…" Faith answered.
"Excuse me," the waiter said as he approached with the drinks. He set them down on the table and stated, "if you could, could you two please continue this outside… the manager is here and…"
"I need a cigarette," Faith said getting up out of her seat and heading for the door.
"Ugh," Xander groaned in response rolling his eyes. She saw his gesture and quickly stated,
"Xander, if you have something to say to me then just say it."
"Fine! I will!" Xander yelled after her.
"Then sir, could you please go outside to do so?" the waiter asked as politely as he could while in reality he was kicking them out for being too loud. Xander got up from the table and followed Faith quickly outside.
"I'm terribly sorry," Giles said apologizing to the waiter. They talked for a few moments and he eventually walked away leaving them all alone.
"God, what's gotten into him?" Willow asked Buffy.
"He's been grumpy all day…" she answered.
"I have plenty to say to you, Faith," he said storming out of the diner after her. She already had her cigarette out and was in the process of lighting it.
"Go right ahead, I'll pretend to listen," she said not even lifting her head to look at him.
"You're a fucking bitch, you know that, Faith," he spat out. She raised an eyebrow at him and nodded.
"Gee, I would've gotten that one right."
"God, why the hell did Anya even like you!?" he suddenly asked angrily not completely realizing what exactly he was saying till he saw the look come over Faith's face.
"So that's what this is all about."
"Don't you dare bring her into this!" he warned.
"I'm not the one who brought her into anything, you are…" she explained snappily.
"God, go away," he finally yelled childishly not having anything else to say. She raised her cigarette up and answered,
"You go away… I'm smoking… and besides, I was here first," she said rationalizing why she should get to stay matching his childishness with her own.
"I would go back inside with people I actually like… well, most of them, but *you* got me kicked out of the diner," he stated matter of factly.
"Alright, you definitely sound like a snotty eight year old," she stated with a laugh.
"Could you just focus for ten seconds?"
"I was going to time my attention span once actually but once I got the stopwatch all set up and everything, I got bored so I did something else…" Faith said a smile threatening her lips as she said it. Xander actually had to laugh in response to that. The two stood there smiling at each other during a narrow time period of truce when Faith saw the flashing siren lights reflecting in the windows to the diner. She spun around hearing the sirens sound and the lights flash as the car slid into a stop only ten feet from where they were standing. Xander quickly looked over to Faith to see what she was going to do but she just froze.
"Hands up where I can see them!" the officer yelled jumping out of the drivers side with his gun already in his hand and aimed directly at both of them. His partner stood uniformly on the passenger side, both shielded by the car doors. Faith tossed her cigarette to the ground quickly. Xander kept glancing over at Faith if not only to see what exactly to do, but to see how she was going to handle everything – this was her area and definitely not his. "Good," the officer said stepping around the door and slowly towards them. Faith stood there not even breathing with her hands held above her head, meeting at the wrists right above her head. Her expression was as blank as he had ever seen it as she gave no indication to her thoughts through her features.
"You, step away from her," the partner called over to Xander also moving away from the car and closer to them. Xander did so keeping his eyes moving quickly between the cops and Faith.
"Those two are being insufferable tonight," Willow noted after the silence of the table had cleared since Faith and Xander's hasty exit.
"Yeah, speaking of which, they've been out there a while…" Buffy noted, "I'll go get them, make sure no one is severely injured… their food is getting cold."
"I'll come with you," Kennedy said getting up without even waiting for Buffy's response.
"Okay," Buffy answered.
"Do you want me to come too?" Willow offered.
"No need… if I'm not back in an hour call the squat team," she joked. Buffy and Kennedy walked out of the diner and rounded the corner of the parking lot but both of them quickly halted in their tracks as they saw the two police officers holding guns up to Faith and Xander with the flashing lights of the cop car seeming to elevate the tension of the situation. "Oh my god," Buffy whispered. Kennedy just stood there frozen as she watched the officer finally approach Faith, still holding his gun firmly.
"Don't move," he ordered quickly glancing her over to make sure there were no obvious weapons within her close grasp. "Okay," he answered grabbing her arm roughly, "up against the car," he said pushing her firmly towards the side of the cop car. Xander, Buffy and Kennedy all watched, already amazed that Faith hadn't said a damn thing to the officer. "Alright," he said pushing her back shoving her firmly against the side of the vehicle. "Spread 'em," he said typically patting her thigh. She did so and Xander could already feel himself getting angry.
The officer re-sheathed his gun and pushed her again into the car. Faith gritted her teeth but didn't make a move. She had her head turned towards Xander and the other cop but he noticed she wasn't looking at him. She just seemed to zone herself out fixating herself on looking in no obvious direction – but it seemed like she was even just looking more inside than at anything on the outside. Even though she tried to keep her face free of expression, the fear and anger welling up in her eyes made Xander want to just run over there and punch the cop in the face.
"How much fucking closer to the car do you want her!?" Xander finally yelled. The cop gave him a smug glance and for an ego boost he shoved her against the car again even harder than he had any of the other times.
"Alright, honey, spread 'em like I know a girl like you can," he said obnoxiously. She separated her feet slightly clenching her teeth tightly. He patted her thigh again, "like you want it bad, baby, come on," he said in a slightly pissed off tone. Once again she separated her feet farther away only to be once again shoved up against the car but this time she could feel he did it more with his hips because she could feel him up against her even afterwards.
"What the hell is that guy doing?" Kennedy asked Buffy angrily.
"Oh god," Buffy answered worry welling up within her in a way she couldn't remember ever feeling before.
"Just like that," the officer, who everyone was quickly noticing had quite a bit of ulterior motives in this search, said as he leaned against her tense body pushed up against the car. He ran his hands from her waist up her arms pushing them over her head on the car. He patted them down then moved his hands over her breasts as slowly as he could squeezing and patting. "Stay the fuck still!" he yelled as she tensed against his touch.
"Hey!" Xander screamed angrily as loud as he could.
"Do your girl a favor, buddy, just have fun watching," the partner said smiling back at his friend who was obviously having fun searching the girl. Xander threatened to ignore him and go after the other guy anyway but the partner flashed his gun quickly at his face and he backed off again.
Since she had moved, the officer happily began his search again starting again at her arms and moving slowly down again. She tensed up again unable to help it since his touch was so intrusive and ugly to her.
"We could stay out here all night, baby," he said pushing her up against the car again with his body while his hands remained under her arms and across her breasts.
"You'd like that wouldn't you," she muttered through clenched teeth. He raised one of his hands and hit her in the back of the neck with his forearm as he shoved her again.
"What was that, kitten?" he asked as she caught her breath from the blow while still restraining herself.
"This is so not good," Buffy said nervously to Kennedy. "Go get Giles," she said finally deciding things were definitely about to get really bad. Kennedy nodded and quickly ran back into the diner for Giles.
"Get your fucking hands off of her!" Xander screamed again watching his hands lingering around her chest.
"Settle down, son," the partner said but now he was clearly becoming a little tired of his partner's game. Giles jogged out of the diner with Kennedy and the others were following behind at a walk so they were a little farther behind. Giles met Buffy and immediately paused and processed the situation quickly. It was one skill that he had always been extensively trained in with the Watcher training, but he was particularly good at it.
"This is not good," Buffy muttered to him. He could see the tears welling up in her eyes and he answered her with as comforting of a look as he could manage.
"It could be worse."
"How?" Buffy asked spinning around to look at him quickly.
"They could know who she is…" Giles reminded.
"That fucking creep better get his hands off of her," Robin said walking past Giles and Buffy. Buffy quickly jumped forward and grabbed him and pulled him back.
"Don't," Buffy said not sure of why, she just had a feeling it would be better.
"Does he always have this much trouble just watching?" the officer asked suggestively leaning his mouth close to Faith's ear as though he was asking her a secret. He lowered his hands running them around her waist, squeezing it happily. From his close proximity, leaning against her, Faith could feel that he was having lots of fun and it made her feel like she was about to vomit. He ran his hands down to her hips then slid them forward and down till he ran them between her legs. He squeezed her upper-inner thigh and Xander could practically hear Faith holding herself back from snapping this guys neck.
"That's enough!!!" Xander screamed again.
"I don't want to have to say it again," the partner said holding his gun up again.
"Giles, do something," Buffy said thin tears actually running down her face.
"She's handling it…" he explained.
"She shouldn't have to!" Buffy quickly defended.
"You're right, but it would be best, if possible, to just sit it out and wait for them to leave."
"Giles, say something!" she demanded. "Faith's been eying that guys gun for the past five minutes, Giles, you better do something quick before she's decided she's had enough… she's real close to it," Buffy stated firmly.
"Alright," Giles said seeing that Buffy's observation was a reality. He waited one more moment but as he saw the cops hands squeezing her inner thigh he stepped forward.
"Freeze!" the partner said holding up his gun at Giles.
"Officer, what seems to be the problem?" Xander quickly took his eyes off of Faith to see where Giles had come from and he saw him approaching confidently as well as everyone standing in a little group just around the corner. The officer lowered his gun from Giles and glanced back at Xander then back at Giles. Xander returned his gaze to Faith and he saw the officer squeeze her roughly.
"What the fuck!" he screamed finally charging over towards her. The tears he could see finally start to form in her eyes as she tried to zone herself farther and farther away from reality. He could see her regulating her breath to stay calm and forcing her twitching muscles not to be allowed to spin around and beat this guy into a bloody pulp. Xander had also seen her eying the guys gun but he repeated steadily in his head, 'don't do it, Faith,' which thankfully, one way or another she had heard and restrained herself from what she really wanted to do. The partner jumped in front of him and the two shoved each other.
"Son, settle down," the partner said in a more understanding tone than before. Obviously he had seen what his friend had done and he wasn't comfortable with the situation any more so he was kind of leaning more towards siding with these teenagers.
"Get him the fuck away from her!" Xander yelled threatening to go and do it himself.
"Let's go," the partner finally said to his friend. His friend finally lifted himself off of her. She knowledgably still didn't move off of the car knowing it would just be another excuse for him to shove her again and she really didn't think she could take him doing that again without her defending herself.
"Excuse me," Giles said again this time more strongly. "What is the problem?"
"There's no problem," the first officer said finally turning away from Faith towards Giles.
"Yeah there is!" Xander yelled.
"What was the reason for that, hmm, extensive search, officer?" Giles pushed.
"Let's go," the first officer said to his partner ready to leave ignoring Giles question.
"Excuse me," he said again stepping between the car door and the officer.
"Umm…" he said making it obvious that he was making up a reason, "we got tipped off that there would be a drug exchange in this parking lot tonight… two drug dealers, a girl and a guy, the girl was supposed to have all of the stuff on her… good one, huh?"
"I'm very impressed," Giles answered sardonically. The officer stepped around Giles moving back towards Faith.
"Put your legs together, honey, you look like a slut…" he said pulling her off of the side of the car. She looked at him, and god, if looks could kill, that man would be already six feet underground. She didn't say a word as he smiled suggestively at her licking his bottom lip for good measure before getting into the car and driving away.
"Faith, are you alright?" Giles asked cautiously. She had that look, that look that made it seem like she was looking straight through you and onto whatever was behind you. That look that made you feel hollow inside when you saw it. A look that should show fear and anxiety but was always interpreted as strength and indifference. She didn't even answer him she just glanced over at Buffy and the rest of the gang who were already slowly approaching. Faith walked quickly towards the wall of the diner (they were behind the diner in the parking lot) to where the garbage was put out and where any wooden shipment boxes were stacked. She appeared pretty calm, all things considered, but things definitely changed once she reached the brick wall.
All of a sudden she was punching and kicking the brick wall screaming as she did so. She picked up various wooden boxes sending them splintering into thousands of pieces as they collided at high speeds with the brick wall. Xander ran over to her, being the only one since everyone else was either shocked at her sudden shift, or just not wanting to be anywhere near her. He reached her and just grabbed her arms from behind her and held onto them with all of his strength. She continued to kick violently out at the wall lifting herself off of the ground being anchored by Xander holding her arms.
"Stop it… stop… Faith, please… stop it!" he begged trying to just hold onto her during her fit. "Stop!" he said again pulling her back as hard as he could. She finally caught herself but with that realization came all of the others. A rush of emotion surged through her body and that feeling of wanting to vomit rose within her again. "It's okay… Faith, it's okay," Xander comforted even though his voice was still angry and upset. He turned her around so that she was facing him, which she did very willingly. She grabbed his jacket desperately pulling herself into him burying her face in his chest with only a momentary hesitation. He wrapped his arms around her holding her tightly noticing the blood streaming from both of her hands from their previous activity of punching brick. "It's okay… you did so good," he soothed. She was shaking with anger in his arms and the feeling made him want to just completely break down, but he knew he had to be strong so he just held her while supplying small words of com fort.
She seemed to relax herself finally and she raised her face from his chest to looking up at him. From the redness of her eyes and the small wet droplets on his shirt he could tell she was crying, but now she had been able to refrain herself now appearing more pissed off and angry than upset, which is what she was going for he was sure. She looked into his eyes and he could see her jaw still twitching from anger.
"Sorry," she finally said pulling out of his hold. She wanted to just jump back into his arms as she felt the cold air bite at her as she left his warmth. "I lost my shit for a minute there," she admitted as though no one realized.
"You didn't lose your shit on the cop, that's what matters," he answered honestly. The rest of the gang now walked over.
"You were about to," Buffy said walking over trying to lighten the situation if at all possible. She remembered the first time she saw Faith confronted by an officer, and the way she acted was completely different. With the first, Buffy remembered being frozen with fear and Faith had just laughed it off and flirted with the cop as he held a gun up to both of them. Now she had stood there and put up with garbage she probably wouldn't have taken from anyone a few years ago.
"Nah, I learned that lesson already," Faith answered pulling a cigarette out of the pack from her pocket. "I've killed fucking pricks for less than that," she added angrily as she walked away from the group making it quite clear that she didn't desire to be followed.
"Faith, I have some things in the car for your hands," Giles called to her hoping it would keep her from walking away. She didn't even acknowledge he said anything and continued to just walk out of the parking lot. Robin watched her along with the rest of them as she left but then as she rounded the corner out of sight he glanced over at the brick wall. It was cracked in some of the spots she had hit it but the rough surface clung to the skin on her knuckles proving itself by small splotches of blood focused on the center of her unseen target.
"Am I the only person that wouldn't have minded if that had been that assholes face?" he said looking back at everyone else who had formed a small circle around the area.
"I would've fucking helped her kick his ass!" Kennedy answered fuming with anger.
"Faith would've had no problem killing that guy all by herself," Andrew shot at her defensively.
"Buffy, you always talked about how Faith couldn't control her temper when you talked about her… I'd say that was pretty good control, not that I understand why the hell she didn't just kill that fuck."
"She couldn't afford to have them press her for ID," Willow defended.
"Why the hell not!?" he answered angrily. His anxiety and aggravation that he had been able to control about the situation finally overflowed, "she could've fucking gotten away from them without breaking a sweat."
"She could've…" Buffy answered, "but she wasn't going to leave Xander there, and… there are certain things that… make her kinda zone out. Faith can handle baggage better than anyone when she's fighting, but there are certain things that she can't – and she zones when she hits those." Everyone knew by the tone in Buffy's voice, that she had seen her like that and it forced everyone to realize how close the two of them once had been. "I'm going to go get her," Buffy finally said after looking down the road she had left for a few minutes. "Can you guys just get everything ready to leave… I think we should try and just go once I get her back." Giles nodded at her request and everyone sauntered in different direction, each silently designating themselves a certain job to get ready to leave.
Buffy walked down the street she had watched Faith leave down. She moved quickly along the concrete sidewalk with her heels clicking strongly against it echoing her steps as she walked. She walked down the street till she saw a small alley cut off on the right. She walked down it sensing that that was exactly where she'd find Faith. The alley was lit by the reflection of a street lamp off of a car's windshield. Faith sat on a wooden box towards the back of the alley smoking a cigarette leaning her arms on her thighs slouching forward. She looked up as she heard the clicks of Buffy's shoes approaching down the alley.
"You okay?"
"You know me," she answered inhaling her cigarette again.
"Yeah I do, that's why I'm asking," Buffy answered her quickly.
"I'm five by five, B."
"I saw you eyeing his gun, Faith." She smirked sarcastically and answered,
"Yeah, well you know I've got a fetish…"
"I just don't get how you didn't snap – Faith, I've seen you freak on people for a lot less than that."
"Yeah, I just didn't want to set a bad example… you know, for Dawn and Kennedy," she answered sarcastically again.
"You're not having a very good couple of days," Buffy said trying to get a smile out of her.
"B, I'm not having a good fucking decade," she answered exhaling a stream of grey smoke.
"Well, it can only get better," Buffy noted.
"That's what I used to tell myself… things just always find a way to be worse."
"It'll get better," she promised, "it'll get easier too," she added comfortingly showing that she was at least trying to understand what Faith was going through. She hadn't really thought about how Faith had felt getting out of prison since she had just jumped into fighting again as soon as she had gotten out. As Faith had admitted to her once, 'fighting and fucking are definitely good distractions'.
Faith only gave a slight nod in response to Buffy's promises.
"Faith, talk to me," Buffy finally said almost pleadingly.
"Yeah, since I'm so good at that."
"You know, you used to put on a mask around all of us, but at least you would have a face to show, even if it wasn't the real one, you showed something! God, Faith… you're blank…"
"I always tried to tell you I was a boring person," she answered still with that defensive sarcasm dripping off all of her words.
"You scare me when you're like this," Buffy admitted.
"If I'm really freakin' you out you can always just call that cop back and have him put me back… can't scare you then." She said finally letting some of her anger creep out even if it was only in her tone.
"Faith-" Buffy said her voice cracking as she said it, "stop it."
"Whatever," Faith answered exhaling the last bit of her cigarette as she threw it down on the ground.
"You're not going back," Buffy comforted.
"You're right, I'm not fucking going back," Faith answered strongly but still calmly with a hint of her old attitude streaked through her words.
"Hey," Xander said as he appeared walking into the alley.
"God, does everything have to be a fucking family hug with you losers," Faith spat hopping off the box she had been sitting on.
"Sorry," he answered stepping to the side.
"Let's just get gone," Faith said walking past both of them back towards the cars.
"We all ready?" Robin asked as Buffy, Faith, and Xander reached the vehicles. Faith had gotten there first, about twenty paces in front of the other two and had just gotten into the passenger seat of the Suburban.
"Yeah," Xander answered as he headed for the drivers seat of the truck.
"We can probably get there in another four or five hours," Giles stated heading for the car. Willow, Kennedy, Dawn, and Andrew followed him and everyone else got into the truck. Xander looked over at Faith as he waited for the big diesel engine to start up. She sat leaning up against the door with her feet planted flatly on the middle seat of the bench with her knees bent up close to her chest. As they drove down the highway Buffy watched Faith from the backseat behind Xander. She watched her finally close her eyes after staring at the upcoming road ahead of them. She saw her fighting off sleep but eventually she gave up and drifted off slightly. She would wakeup after about twenty minutes or so and open her eyes quickly glancing around and then after about two or three minutes she would close them again.
Finally after being on the road for what seemed like forever Giles pulled onto a street that led them to many large intersections and the area began to look more and more like an active city. Xander looked over at Faith and saw that she was asleep again. He then followed Giles onto a smaller street with a dead end sign. It seemed kind of out of place because after going on the busy main street this street had hardly anything built on it with a few closed down stores scattered towards the beginning of it. They reached the end of the street and drove into the hidden driveway of the house at the end of the street. It was a sharp left after you entered the driveway sending you behind a wall and then it rounded into a large, underground garage. They stopped at a grey concrete wall with a door off to the side of it and parked. Everyone piled out of the vehicles and Xander patted Faith's calf as he said softly,
"We're here." She opened her eyes and gave a slight nod.
They all walked through the house curiously. After walking through the door in the garage it led to a small room with three arches in it leading in different directions. One door led to a hallway going to the kitchen with a bathroom on the side through a door off the hallway and after the kitchen was the dining room. Through the middle arch there was a longer hallway with a lot of closets off of the sides. On the other side there was a long staircase which led to three bedrooms and a bathroom. If you continued walking past the stairs there was a large room with a lot of space that would be used as the workout room. Off to the left of that down a short corridor was the living room with a couch and surround sound television unassembled in the corner in boxes. Then at the end of that hallway if you continued straight instead of going into the living room there was a set of five stairs leading down into a small hall with a sliding door across the doorway with a large bathroom off to one side and to the other was a large bedroom. Silently everyone knew Faith had already claimed that room as her own. Through the third arch was a small library area with a large wooden desk and leather couch in the back corner.
"Not bad," Kennedy commented as then finished looking through the house. They were all a little shocked at how nice it was, including Giles.
"No," Giles agreed.
They had arrived at around two in the morning at the new place and they all had found their rooms and Buffy, Dawn, and Giles made due with the couches. Faith took the secluded room down the five stairs, Xander had the bedroom all the way down the hall to the left upstairs, Willow and Kennedy took the middle room, and Wood took the room all the way to the right. Although there was nothing that had to be done the next day, all of them found themselves awake before eight o'clock. Xander and Dawn left to get bagels and coffee and Andrew, Giles, Buffy, Kennedy, and Willow waited around the kitchen. Giles left and went to the small office area which was going to be for some of his books and files to make a vague plan of where he might put everything. Wood had walked downstairs and noticing that Faith wasn't in the kitchen he walked past them and down the hall to her small wing.
He slid the wooden door open and walked into the dark hallway. There was a lamp in the far corner by the door to the bathroom but the light-bulb was about to die so it was extremely dim. He went to the right towards her bedroom door and knocked. There was no answer so he assumed she was asleep and he opened the door with a loud creak. She was lying in the middle of the bed looking out of the large skylight with a black bra and black jeans on with her hair still wet from the shower. She glanced over at him walking into the room but didn't really move. He was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans, black boots and a white, ribbed tank top as he approached the bed.
"Hey," he greeted softly as he reached the end of the bed. She propped herself up on her elbows and looked up at him. He could feel her eyes staring him up and down as he stood there trying to maintain his confidence. "How'd you sleep?" he finally said unable to handle the silence anymore.
"We're back," Xander called as he and Dawn walked into the house. He carried a bag of bagels and a tray of coffees in the other and Dawn carried the second tray of coffees. Giles heard them come in and entered from the office. "Breakfast is served," Xander stated proudly as he set the bag down on the counter.
"Yes!" Kennedy said approaching the bag anxiously helping them distribute everything.
"Where's Faith and Robin Hood?" Xander asked sarcastically.
"He went into her room to wake her up a while ago," Andrew said with a raise in his eyebrows as he said 'a while'.
"Hey, I think I figured it out," Willow called from the living room. Xander and Dawn didn't know what she was talking about until music surrounded the house. The Chili Peppers, "Under the Bridge" played confidently through the rooms without being too loud.
"I'll go get them," Xander said.
"I don't-" Buffy began.
"I don't want their coffee to get cold," he answered walking down the hallway without giving Buffy a chance to protest.
"Come here," she said sitting up further so she was sitting at the end of the bed with her legs hanging down off of it. He walked up to her so that he stood between her legs. She looked up at him with her eyes looking into him with a strange hunger in them. He could feel her hot breath against his stomach and he immediately felt aroused at the memory of their night together. He looked down at the similar black bra and asked,
"This close enough?" She shook her head in response putting her arms around his neck and drawing him into her. He pushed his hands down onto the bed to keep himself balanced as he stood with his legs pushed against the bed with hers teasing them by being just around them without touching. She pulled him into a fierce kiss not letting him go till he was completely out of breath. She ran one hand along his cheek and the other across the waistband of his jeans. He looked down at her waiting for him and with a final urging from her tugging slightly at the button on his jeans he pushed his hands underneath her hips and pushed her further up the bed. She pulled him down on top of her and he hovered above her as he kissed her with one hand balancing himself above her next to her head while he kept the other under her hip pulling her up to him rhythmically.
Xander knocked for good measure but proceeded into the room without even a momentary hesitation for a response. Xander clenched his jaw in anger as he walked in seeing the two of them on the bed. Faith pushed him away from her and sat up leaning on her arms with obvious frustration in her features.
"What?" she asked angrily. He shook his head in disgust at Wood then said snidely,
"Foods here," in response to Faith's question keeping his tone friendly enough, although incredibly sardonic, to make it sound as though he had just walked into any room to tell someone their breakfast was ready.
"What's your problem?" Wood asked angrily climbing off of the bed. Xander ignored him and turned to leave. He quickly walked up to him and shoved his arm so he would turn and face him.
"Hey!" Faith reprimanded as she saw him grab Xander's arm.
"What the hell is yours?" Xander asked angrily.
"You think you can just barge in here like that? Don't you have any respect?"
"For her," he answered, "obviously something you're lacking." Robin stood defensively, Xander's words hitting a sore nerve.
"If you have something you'd like to say to me, Xander, say it."
"Could you two get a fucking life?" Faith asked in an extremely pissed off tone. She got up off the bed and grabbed a white tank top putting it on as she walked out of the room without either of them. "Do us all a bloody favor."
Faith walked into the kitchen alone, that was the first bad sign, then she grabbed her coffee, which she noticed had 'bitch' scribbled on the top by
Xander for marking purposes, and slid the suburban keys off of the counter. As the other two exited Faith's room and were standing in the dim corridor they could now be heard from the kitchen yelling back and forth.
"Wanna go for a ride, B?" Faith offered ignoring the angry yells.
"Sure," she answered quickly grabbing her coffee and following Faith out of the house. She gave everyone a concerned look and they returned it with a look assuring her they would take care of the problem.
"You know what, fuck you, you don't love her!" Xander yelled in his face.
"How the hell do you know?"
"Whatever," he answered trying to walk away. Robin once again grabbed his arm and Xander added, "you obviously have never really been in love, because if you had, you'd know that's nothing close."
"Oh, so you're Mr. Experience when it comes to love," Wood mocked.
"I loved Anya, and I still love Anya – I know what it feels like to be in love with someone and if you call what's going on between you and Faith love, you're just a moron."
"A moron?" he asked angrily.
"It's a two way thing," he answered, "she doesn't love you – but don't feel bad, she doesn't love anyone, but you gotta get that because you can't go around pretending you're in love when really she doesn't care…"
"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about and-"
"Whatever," he answered again turning to leave.
"No, I want to know what gives you the right to judge how I feel about her. It has nothing to do with you, and you still think you get to barge in and make it seem like what's going on is wrong."
"It is!"
"Why?"
"Guy's knock it off," Willow said as she approached with the others.
"Why is it fucking wrong?"
"Because you don't fucking care about her!"
"How do you know?"
"The only thing you're interested in is getting into her pants!"
"Guys, stop!" Kennedy yelled matching their volume.
"You don't love her!" Xander yelled again ignoring Kennedy and Willow. Kennedy grabbed him and pulled him away from the argument hoping to dissipate the tension.
"I never said I did!" Wood finally defended. Everything seemed to just stop at what he said and for the first time everyone began to see why Xander had been so against this. Kennedy let go of his arm and just stood behind him now struck by thoughts just racing through her head.
"A nice guy like you is just what she fucking needs," Xander answered now in a calm tone knowing he had finally gotten his point across to everyone.
"I also never said I didn't want to," he answered defending himself again. He knew Xander had gotten him to say exactly what he wanted him to say and he felt like he had just been kicked down. "I guess you'd be a lot better for her… you know, a guy who after his girlfriend, who he left at the alter, but remember, he loved her," he mocked speaking more to everyone else rather than directly to Xander, "who was just killed is already looking to 'love' someone new."
The room once again fell into silence as Xander felt the words cut through him. Kennedy looked over at Willow nervously before returning back to Xander.
"I never said anything about me and Faith," Xander clarified holding his voice as steadily as he could.
"But you're such a nice guy," Robin answered condescendingly.
"I have absolutely no interest in delving into that mass of emotional trauma," he stated angrily, "and I never said anything about me and Faith!" he repeated this time screaming again.
"Yeah, but you seem to have everything to say about me and her."
"I don't like seeing my friends with people who I know are going to hurt them," he answered firmly. His tone was strong and clear and left no mistake that he had just ended this conversation.
"So…" Buffy finally said after ten minutes of driving without a single word being spoken between either of them. The radio was blasting through the vehicle as they sped down the highway. Buffy leaned forward and turned down the volume so there would be no way Faith could pretend she hadn't heard her. "So…" she repeated.
"What's up, B?" Faith finally answered.
"Now I've gotta ask, what's the deal between you and Wood?"
"There's no deal," she answered with a nonchalant shrug.
"So Xander lost it walking in on you two talking?" she asked sardonically.
"No, see, you should know me better than that, B, if we had been talking there would've definitely been a 'deal', but there isn't, so it was just simply screwing," Faith clarified. "Well, it would've been…" she added admitting when Xander had come in.
"So you two aren't…" Buffy questioned trailing off at the end.
"Together?" Faith asked laughing, "me and together-ness don't really mix, B. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt – I'm done with that crap."
"You need someone," Buffy said definitely crossing that unseen line that she had never even approached before.
"What I need is a good slay, a quick screw, a date with my boy J.D., and I'll be just fine," Faith stated firmly.
"You need someone, Faith. You're lonely and you're-"
"I don't need anyone!" Faith snapped at her. "And besides, who are you to tell me I need someone when you don't have anybody."
"Faith, you have a hell of a lot more baggage then I do, and I do have somebody."
"Oh, well aren't you lucky," Faith answered with a smug grin.
"I'm leaving at the end of the week to fly out to L.A. to see Angel for a little while…" With all kidding aside Faith answered,
"Tell him I said hey." Buffy nodded knowing that Faith cared about Angel a lot, he was someone that Faith admitted to caring about, and that meant a lot coming from her.
"Xander?" Willow asked delicately walking into his room. He was sitting on his bed deep in thought. "Are you okay?"
"Are you happy?"
"What?"
"Are you happy? Are you happy with Kennedy?"
"I am," Willow answered honestly taking a seat next to him on the bed. He nodded and answered,
"Then I'm okay." She smiled and patted his knee,
"It gets better."
"I just…"
"What?"
"Nevermind…"
"What…" she urged.
"I don't want to upset you-"
"Xander, what?"
"I just don't know how you do it… I know you're not over Tara and you still love her, but how do you… how are you happy with someone else?" Willow felt herself tense slightly at the mention of Tara but she forced herself to relax again.
"It's hard," she admitted. "You care about her, don't you?" she asked confidently.
"No," he answered angrily getting up off of the bed. His reaction took her completely by surprise and she wasn't sure what to do. "Why would you say something like that?"
"I… it's just the way you act around her… it's not bad, Xander, it's really okay," she comforted.
"I don't have a thing for Faith, how the hell can I convince all of you of that?"
"Xander…"
"She's the kind of girl you fall for when you're seventeen and nothing but a mass of hormones, Will, I've outgrown her," he stated firmly. Willow couldn't help but feel bad about just sitting there and letting him dump on someone, who recently had been nothing but heroic and helpful.
"Outgrown, huh?" Faith asked from the doorway. She was leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed looking pensively over at the two of them on the bed. She rolled her eyes in disgust with a smile almost of relief and left the room that she had been planning to come and make peace in. She had a lot that she wanted to say to him – she was sure she wouldn't have been able to say it, but she thought that maybe if she put herself in the situation where she could she just might be able to say some of it. *To hell with that idea* she thought in a now, very pissed off mood.
"If that's what you would like to do that's perfectly fine," Giles answered to Robin knowing it would help ease the tension. He nodded,
"Thank you."
"It will be nice having another person helping with the move to the other house."
Giles entered the kitchen around noon time to make himself a cup of tea. Willow, Kennedy, Dawn, and Andrew had all just returned from the grocery store and the topic of conversation from their car ride had still remained strong as they unpacked everything. Faith walked into the kitchen and just kept to herself and did her own thing, helping them unpack without asking, just kind of grabbing things here and there and putting them away. Giles smiled at how helpful she was without making it look like she was even doing anything. *Heaven forbid she looks as though she's helping* he thought.
"…seriously, I think that was a big part of getting better at slaying," Kennedy continued.
"But you weren't training at that point, you were changed into a real slayer before you fought them…" Andrew argued.
"You're always training though, especially once you're actually a slayer," Dawn noted, still not taking any particular side.
"Faith, maybe you can help us settle this…" Willow said turning towards her. Faith stood there with a Corona in her hand and a lighter and an unlit cigarette in the other.
"I'm usually the one they call in to instigate a fight," she reminded Willow, "not to settle things."
"No, you can help," Kennedy assured, "it's your area."
"Now I'm scared," Faith joked raising her eyebrows. They laughed and Willow continued,
"What do you think was the most influential experience you had that made you a good slayer?" Faith smirked and asked,
"So I'm a *good* slayer now?" she joked.
"Faith," Giles said in an almost scolding tone. Faith tossed him a confused glance and he answered, "I think we should talk later," in a tone that didn't arouse much attention but got his point across.
"So what was it?" Dawn urged never having had this type of conversation with Buffy.
"It doesn't have to be a specific example or anything…" Andrew stated excitedly.
"Getting your ass kicked," she answered honestly. They all looked at her hazily and Kennedy finally asked,
"What do you mean?"
"You're not a good slayer until you've had your ass handed to you and you can still get up and fight again…"
"But you're a slayer… no one can beat you."
"That's funny," Faith answered with a laugh. "You obviously haven't really been beaten up."
"Oh come on," Kennedy said confidently, "who is there, especially now, that can really beat up a slayer?"
"A slayer," Faith answered.
"Faith, are you corrupting the children again?" Buffy asked walking into the room.
"Nah, B, just telling them about the time you kicked my face in."
"Oh," she answered with a bit of concern.
"But it made you a better slayer," Kennedy stated questioningly.
"Yeah," Faith answered, "I think so. Mindset's half the battle…"
"So insightful," Buffy teased.
"Hey, you need to know you're the shit to fight well, but you also have to know in the back of your head that there are things that are just going to have fun fucking busting you up… and until you actually meet one of those things and fight it, no matter how many times you tell yourself they're out there, you don't really believe it."
"So you're saying knowing there are things that'll kill you makes you better?" Buffy asked not really grasping her point.
"No, knowing that and still facing off everything life throws at you is what makes you better," Faith answered. There was a brief pause in the room and Giles clearly was taken by what had just been said. It was interesting for him to see two girls, whom he had spent a lot of time training, both have their different perspectives on things, while still having quite similar views.
Faith sat comfortably on one of the counters in the kitchen drinking her fourth Corona since lunch. She looked out of one of the windows at the dark sky – she just sat there contently remembering all the nights she just thought about her life in jail staring at the stars in the sky. She had always liked thinking at night, when she could just zone out and blur her eyes as she watched the sky and forget about everything that had happened, but at the same time remember just as much. Even when she was little she remembered leaving reality behind and just watching the sky. She would also sit in her window and watch people walking back and forth – people were so funny if you just watched them.
Xander walked into the kitchen and directly towards the fridge looking up at Faith on the counter smugly.
"Drunk yet?" he asked condescendingly as he grabbed a beer out of the fridge.
"Hey, X-man, you look like you might be outgrowing those jeans there," she said sharply not giving him an inch. Xander immediately caught onto the whole 'outgrown' thing and it definitely bothered him, especially since it had been paired with a comment that attacked his already insecure self-image.
"Yeah, it's okay though – I don't mind being one of those people who grow," he answered walking out of the room and back up the stairs with his beer. Faith rolled her eyes at him and finished off the beer. She sat there again staring out of the window trying to not let herself think about anything.
"Faith," she heard Giles say firmly. She turned her head towards his commanding voice quickly and answered,
"Yeah, what's up?"
"Can I speak with you?" he asked in a way that wasn't very much like a question. She hopped off of the counter and followed him into the study. He sat at the desk chair and she went over to the couch.
"Comfy," she noted raising her eyebrows. Giles ignored her comment and continued,
"I've needed to talk with you since your return, but as can be easily understood, the time for it was never really available."
"What about?" she asked, "am I getting grounded or something?"
"We just need to discus some things, Faith."
"Like what?"
"Well, how are you feeling?"
"I am so not into the whole shrink thing," she said starting to get up.
"Faith, please," he said firmly causing her to sit back down. "I just need to talk over some things about the last couple of years, Faith."
"G, I don't really like going over the past…"
"What you did took a lot," he finally stated. "Admitting to your crimes and serving time was very impressive and you should be proud of yourself."
"I didn't even serve half of it – not so impressive anymore, is it?"
"You left to save Angel… the one person who never lost faith in you. He was the one person who kept you going through that painful time in your life. I can't imagine what it was like for you to come out of prison and have to fight Angelus."
"It was hard," she admitted. "He knew everything that Angel and I had ever talked about, he knew how I felt and how I acted, he looked the same and moved the same, but was completely different. But, I just have to accept the fact that I'm doomed to fighting people I don't really want to win against," she said before she even realized what she was admitting.
"You risked your life to beat Angelus without hurting Angel…" Giles continued knowing she wanted an out after her last comment.
"Well, generally I'm not into shit like that 'cause I see it that I'm more owed then owing, but in certain cases, I can admit that I definitely owe a little."
"Faith, I'm going to ask you again, and this time I want a real answer, how are you really feeling?"
"I don't know," she answered with a shrug. "I know that's not what you meant by a real answer, but it's all I got."
"What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are you planning for your life?"
"You trying to write a case study on depression in Slayer's or something?"
"Faith, you have a bloody wall built around yourself and you don't let anyone in. You've been through a lot in the last few months and you just keep going like it's nothing."
"I just gotta keep going and everything is fine…"
"No it's not, Faith. You can't keep running away from your own feelings, eventually they're going to catch up."
"Yeah, like last time, right?" she asked recollecting bits of her past.
"Faith, that's not going to happen again – you've changed… God, you've changed so much, and it's all because you wanted to."
"Not everybody sees it that way," she muttered. Giles didn't respond he just looked at her waiting for her to continue. "What's his problem anyway?"
"Well, like the rest of us, he's going through a lot right now too. He's upset about Anya and it makes him a little illogical. He wants to protect but at the same time he needs to hurt in order to feel faithful."
"Whatever… you just gotta learn how to deal."
"Some might say the same to you," Giles answered.
"Hey, I'm not going around making stupid comments, and shooting people down for no reason-"
"Yes, but that's his way of dealing."
"I just do it differently, everyone deals with things differently."
"Yes, but Faith, you're not dealing at all… that's where the problem lies."
"I've got nothing to deal with – I'm fine," she answered standing up off of the couch.
"Of course you are, Faith," he muttered as she exited the office. She walked through the kitchen grabbing the last beer of the six pack, leaving the empty case in the fridge, and headed for her room. She knew she really wasn't fine – she could feel everything inside of her just triggering everything else and she found herself having to just stop and walk away from things before she could allow herself to just snap. She needed a release – everything was just building since… well since forever, but it was starting to pile up faster now. She smiled as she related it to playing Tetris the videogame and how once you got everything stacked up really high the last few lines before you lose just seem to pile up in no time at all. The last few days, between not being able to slay, dealing with tensions of being back with the Scoobies, having Xander stop her from having a good screw (twice!), and then on top of all of that, having to deal with that asshole cop. She was definitely ready to just explode at this po int.
She grinned as she walked into her room and saw Robin sitting on her bed. He glanced up quickly at her as she walked in. She walked up to him and he started to get up as she approached but she pushed him back down and she slid her leg over him and sat on his lap facing him. She still held her Corona in her hand and she smiled mischievously at him with her lips only an inch or two away from his.
"What do you think the odds are that he'll be in here again?" she asked as she leaned down to kiss him. He dodged her kiss moving his face to the side and she noticed how he wasn't exactly pleased to have her sitting there either. "What's the matter with you?" she asked immediately defensive. He didn't answer with words or expression so she was left sitting there empty. She felt herself getting angrier by the second knowing now was not the time to be playing mind games with her. She leaned forward to kiss him, this time with her hand cradling his cheek trying to keep him from pulling away. He tried to push away but she held him firmly as she met his lips with hers.
"No," he said as he finally pushed her off of him as he stood up. She caught herself so she was sitting on the bed as he stood up.
"What do you mean, 'no'?" she asked angrily standing up.
"I don't want to do this," he answered clarifying what exactly was meant by the word 'no'.
"Then why the fuck were you in here?" she asked as she grabbed his shirt and threw him back down on the bed. He hit it with a thud that caused his anger to finally start running, which he had tried to avoid since he knew she would just feed off of it.
"Faith," he protested as he grabbed her waist as she climbed on top of him. He felt her take hold of his shoulder and he soon realized that he couldn't even move it with her holding him like that.
"Come on," she comforted kissing him teasingly with soft, quick kisses.
"Faith, knock it off," he demanded trying to push her off with his hand against her hip.
"What the fuck?" she asked holding herself over him, realizing he was definitely not just playing and that he wanted nothing to do with this. He pushed against her trying to get up and she quickly slammed him back down against the bed. He stopped pushing against her but he didn't submit to her either. With all of the emotions inside of her as painful as if they were fire, she clenched her teeth in frustration and with a final shove she got off of him and stood off of the bed grabbing her beer again. He got up slowly never taking his eyes off of her. If she thought she was about to explode before, now she definitely was.
"I guess you're not in the mood to talk," he said angrily standing up off of the bed.
"What the hell do *we* have to talk about?" she asked angrily and frustrated.
"I don't want you anymore," he stated.
"Excuse me?" she asked in disbelief. "Since when was this about what you wanted?"
"You're pissed off," he said trying to keep everything calm despite the fact that he had purposely hit that one completely exposed nerve of loneliness in her. "But, I'm not going to do anything unless you let me care about you, which, knowing you, you'd die before doing that. You won't let me be that person for you, so I'm not just going to be another asshole that uses you."
"Using *me*?" she asked laughing. "That's funny."
"Faith…" he said comfortingly trying to keep things from elevating.
"Whatever," she answered calmly as though she were completely indifferent about the whole thing but making it quite clear that she was definitely not into the whole comforting thing. He was torn between what to do – he knew he wasn't going to get anywhere talking with her now but bringing it up again later would probably not be an option either. She walked over to the windowsill and picked up a remote control from it and pressed a button turning on a surround sound radio that filled her room. The way it was set up she could also make it play in the hallway and the bathroom too. She tossed the remote back down on the windowsill then lit herself a cigarette. Wood decided he definitely wasn't going to get anywhere with trying to talk with her tonight so he turned begrudgingly and left the room.
"I think it would be really good for me," Kennedy explained as she crawled into bed next to Willow.
"I think you're thinking about it too much," Willow answered wrapping her arms around her lovers waist. "I don't want you all bruised up," she said protectively.
"But you heard her, it'll make me better, and I want to be as good as I can be," she continued.
"You're all going to start training again once things settle a little with the whole moving thing… then you'll go up against Buffy for a session, you know?"
"Yeah, but as much as she'll show me new moves and everything, she's not going to really fight me… at least not the same way Faith would."
"I don't think Faith would fight you," Willow stated. "Buffy might for training, but Faith wouldn't."
"Wait, I'm confused… why would Buffy do it and Faith wouldn't?"
"I don't know… it's just that Buffy knows she can stay in control in a fight… Faith's aware of how her temper gets in the way, and she loves you guys, she doesn't want to hurt anybody."
"But that's the thing, Buffy's going to stay in complete control and not give me any more than I can take – but Faith would kick my ass…"
"Buffy would give you a fight," Willow assured. "Honey, I know you really like Faith, and you respect her and everything, but you don't know her – you've seen her in battle against big bads and you've seen the way she fights; that same anger that you see when she's fighting evil, it doesn't really matter who she's fighting… she's-"
"I've heard you guys talk about the way she used to be – but God, give her a break!" she defended with a hint of anger in her tone, "she's changed, you admitted that, and you still say she can't control herself when all she's done lately is keep herself in check, and I must say, better than I've ever seen Buffy be able to."
"I still think you're taking her whole 'it's good to get your ass kicked' thing too seriously. She was probably just-"
"She's right," Kennedy pushed. "And as weird as it sounds, I kinda want to go up against them just to see where I stand, you know?"
"I get it," Willow admitted. "But try not to focus on it too much…"
"Baby, I'm a slayer," she declared, "fighting is my focus…"
"Buffy, could you go fetch Faith for the meeting?" Giles asked as he sipped at his morning tea. Everyone else had already joined around the kitchen, which was quickly becoming the gathering area.
"Yup," Buffy answered enthusiastically hopping off of the chair and walking towards Faith's room. She slid the wooden door open and could hear the low base music coming from her room. She knocked at the large door,
"Yeah?"
"Faith, it's me," she answered. She waited a minute for a further response but not getting one she figured she could just go in. She walked in and Faith was sitting on the bed up against the wall with her feet flat on the bed and her knees bent with her arms leaning against her legs. She was still dressed in what she had been wearing yesterday and she didn't look like she had slept at all. "Sleep okay?"
"Nah, not one of those good nights," she answered.
"Well, I see Jack showed up for your date," Buffy noted as she saw the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the table.
"The only good man I've ever met," she joked back.
"Yeah, you guys are going long-term now, huh?" Buffy added with a laugh.
"That's right," she answered.
"You feeling okay?" she asked seeing the pinkish tint to Faith's eyes and the darkness that surrounded them.
"Yeah," she answered turning and getting off of the bed. She stumbled slightly as she regained her leg strength, "now I am," she clarified having gotten her balance regained.
"Giles wants you to come into the kitchen – we're having a little meeting thing…"
"Oh goody," Faith mocked, "let's hurry, I don't want to miss a word of all that interesting stuff he likes to talk about!" The two of them laughed as they walked together through the dark hall and then up the few stairs to the contrasting bright hallway leading to the kitchen. Buffy remembered the feeling of walking next to Faith laughing lightheartedly about things – it was a good feeling. Things weren't completely back to the way they had been in the beginning, things had changed and both of them knew a lot more about each other now. Buffy couldn't just walk and pretend Faith was always fine anymore like she claimed to be, she knew she had been up all night drinking and that things had been plaguing her since she had showed up in Sunnydale the first time.
"Alright," Giles began as the two of them approached. "There are some things that we need to discus. I'll start with the Council. They're providing us with a steady flow of income, but I have no control over the amount. In other words, I can't tell that I need twice as much this month as last month; I just receive the same amount, or a different one depending on what they can send. As you can imagine, the uncovering of duplicate copies of the books that were destroyed in Sunnydale is a tedious and expensive process, which must hold priority over everything else for me to be responsibly upholding my position to the Council. What that means is that it would certainly help to keep the house in order if there were a few incomes coming into it."
"So you're saying we need to get jobs," Kennedy asked.
"Not everyone," he continued. "I need Willow to help me with the search for the books, Dawn can help too but she will be returning to school shortly. If no one has a job it will still be okay, but we just won't be able to buy more furniture, have a fully stocked bar," he said looking over at Faith, "we'll be fine but just a little more limited." Giles paused his speech and looked around at everyone. He took another sip of his tea and continued, "Also, since we are going to be the primary training facility in America, there will be occasional people coming in for various programs. The Council is sending someone by the name of Wendy Freck for final training in being a Watcher. She will be Kennedy's watcher under my supervision," he stated. Kennedy's expression changed instantly from indifference to anger,
"Why does she have to be my Watcher?" Kennedy asked. Faith raised her hand and added defending,
"Hey, we all know how well I do with new Watchers – don't give her to me. But why does Kennedy have to deal with one?"
"She's in training, once I see that she's fit as a Watcher she will be sent out to a newly called Slayer elsewhere."
"Is this one going to be evil too?" Buffy asked jokingly. She shot a look over at Faith and she answered,
"Hey! That's soo not funny." Buffy giggled then they both returned back to the seriousness of the meeting.
"About her arrival – we need to welcome her…"
"Yeah, about that," Faith began, "what are we supposed to do, 'hey, how was your flight, welcome to our place, find a couch'?"
"No there's an available bedroom."
"Did I miss one in the mini tour?" Faith asked.
"No, Robin will be staying at the other house for a while until we're done moving into it completely so she'll be staying in his room," Giles answered. Faith couldn't help but laugh at the complete ridiculousness of the situation. Xander tossed a look over to Robin and saw him just sitting in a chair with his eyes down at the ground. "On a different note," Giles began once again, "the three of you will begin your training again today," he said looking at the three Slayers. He amused himself at seeing the different expressions that crossed all three; Kennedy was immediately filled with excitement, Buffy was seemingly unaffected knowing it was her duty, and Faith practically groaned in response. "Is there anything else that anyone has to say?"
"Can the food labeling rule actually be enforced in this house?" Andrew asked tossing a glare in Faith's direction.
"Yeah, can it be extended to beer too?" Xander asked also throwing a look over at the slayer.
"Household disputes can be discussed amongst yourselves," Giles said not wanting to step in the middle. He did however note that it was obvious that Faith had been drinking all night, and so had Xander. He was debating about whether or not to intercede into this ongoing dispute between them, but he was going to try and let them figure it out on their own if it were possible. What he noticed was the most difficult about the situation was that both of them avoided confrontation as well as loved it, making it difficult for any positive negotiations.
"Robin, could I ask you and Andrew to pick up Miss Freck this afternoon from the airport?"
"No problem," he answered confidently.
"We need to leave early because we need to stop at the grocery store again," Andrew added. Robin laughed to conceal his tensions of being in the room and nodded.
"Very well," Giles answered, "girl why don't you change for training, and Willow you can begin setting up the computer in the office, I found that part you needed."
"Okay," she answered hopping off her chair, "Dawny, can you come help me?" she asked before heading towards the office. Dawn nodded and followed her.
"What do you need me to do?" Xander asked, feeling awkward as all of his old Zeppo feeling returned to him.
"Ah, yes," Giles answered, "there are still some things to be unpacked from the truck and I saw one of the panes in the window over there was cracked…"
"Okey doke," Xander answered immediately feeling better that there were some mindless tasks that needed to be done that would make him look as though he were doing things.
"I'll go get the equipment," Giles said leaving the room.
Xander walked out to the truck and started unloading some of the miscellaneous stuff that was still left in the back of it. He managed to organize the majority of it all right in the garage and on the shelves at the sides. He carried in the supplies he would need to fix the window, depending on how bad it was it might only be a temporary one. He went back into the house and into the training room. He saw Buffy and Kennedy standing by Giles and Faith sitting nearby on the floor with her knees drawn to her chest and her arms hugging her legs. They were all listening as he explained what they were going to begin with. Buffy was in spandex pants and a sports bra; Kennedy was wearing loose sweatpants and a tight workout top; and Faith was wearing baggy sweatpants and a fitted white tee-shirt.
"Giles, which window?" Xander asked.
"That one right there," he said pointing to the window in the corner of the room they would be training in.
"Oh," Xander answered knowing just how distracted he was going to be.
"Okay, all of you should be doing endurance training on your own along with some strength training. Kennedy, during these training sessions we touch on those two things but the main focus is on agility and technique." She nodded in understanding and the training begun, which Xander watched contently after seeing that the window repair was minimal and he could fix it practically without looking.
"Alright, to begin Buffy and Faith stand here." Faith pushed herself up and the two stood face to face about three feet apart. "Now I want one at a time for the two of you to do a kick over the others head and alternate keeping it as fast as you can balance with. Understand?" The two answered him by just beginning the exercise. Buffy took the first kick, her foot just barely making it over Faith's head.
"Sorry," she said quickly.
"Yeah, you will be," Faith assured her as she took her kick making sure only to make it as high as Buffy had.
"Both of you, higher," Giles said as he watched them. Kennedy watched anxiously both excited for her turn but also nervous about not being able to even stand next to either of the older slayers. "Okay," he said after about six minutes of them kicking. Both had started to work up a sweat and he added, "okay, now by varying degrees bring the kicks lower so the other has to duck." Faith took his orders and sent a roundhouse kick straight at the level of Buffy's face. She knew she wouldn't expect it so she stopped her foot quickly right before it made it's impact. Stopping the strength that was running through that kick caused her to lose her balance and she stumbled back. Without a word between them Buffy was one hundred percent aware of what Faith had just spared her. Xander had seen it too. He felt a chill go through him as he watched the two of them. Faith took more chances in her technique and left herself more exposed but she sent much more power into each attack so with one kick she would have t he same effect as Buffy would in three. He found it so strange how you could practically see the anger in Faith start to bubble up from deep within. She was keeping herself completely in control but it was still obvious that there was anger and frustration behind each kick.
"Alright, G, enough of this foreplay shit, can we party here or what?" Faith asked finally stepping back form Buffy and towards him.
"Okay, Faith out, Kennedy step in." She did so and they continued the exercise. Faith sat down not really caring, she was just getting bored with the same kick over and over again and she wanted to fight. Xander looked over at her contently finding himself lost in his gaze. Since it wasn't a conscious stare he couldn't keep himself from feeling good about it. The next thing he knew he heard her ask,
"How's that window coming?" and his response without even thinking was a soft smile. It definitely caught her off guard and Giles noticed the entire exchange.
"Faith, pay attention," he reprimanded. "Okay, stop." He said to Kennedy and Buffy. Kennedy was drenched in sweat but still willing to keep going and Buffy was pretty out of breath. "Okay stretch out," Giles stated, "Buffy show Kennedy…" Buffy went with Kennedy over to the side and went through the stretching routine with her. *Ooo stretching* Xander thought childishly. "Faith you need to keep stretching that hip…" he continued speaking while still thinking. From both a serious car accident earlier in her life and her final battle with Buffy when she jumped from the building she had landed funny on one hip and it had healed but it was always a little stiffer than the other. "Xander, could you give us a hand for a moment?" he finally asked. Xander nodded quickly as if his teenage fantasy had just been answered and walked over to Giles and Faith. "Lie down on your back, Faith," Giles stated. She did so bending her right leg, the bad hip, and waited for Xander. "Okay, now you're going to hold her an kle… yes, like that," he guided as Xander did so. "Push her knee up to her chest but keep her knee bent completely… yes… now after a few moments bring her foot across her chest while keeping her knee right there…"
"Okay," he answered surprised at how comfortable he was. He pushed her knee towards her chest and felt her muscles tighten against it. He stopped and looked to her face for guidance. He could tell it hurt her by her expression.
"Keep pushing," she said softly as she tried to keep breathing through the pain. He pushed down harder and saw her face get tighter and tighter,
"I'll stop," he offered.
"No, don't stop," she said in the same tone, "you can just push it harder." He did as he was told until her knee touched her chest. He was leaning down on top of her as she lay there with her arms flat on the floor struggling to keep her breath. "It's been a while since I stretched," she admitted.
"I see that," he said realizing for the first time the position they were in and how close to her face his was. He smiled and said jokingly, "I'll lend a hand any time, really…"
"I'm sure you would," she said with a grin.
"Yeah, I really think we should work out a scheduled program of stretching…" he kidded. "So now I'm supposed to push your foot over, right?"
"Yeah, if I scream, just ignore me," she answered.
"So you *are* a screamer," he kidded as he pulled her foot across her chest.
"If you do it hard enough," she added. He pushed her foot to her opposite shoulder and her breath caught in her throat. She closed her eyes in pain not even able to make a joke about it. "Okay stop," she said giving into the pain. He looked into her face for that moment when she told him to stop and he knew what she must have been looking down on when she tried to strangle him. "Xander…" she whined since he still hadn't stopped pushing her leg. She looked into his eyes and saw that look – she completely understood the thoughts running through his head. She felt the muscles around her hip begin to contract threatening to cramp sending painful electric pulses through the joint. She didn't do anything to him, which seemed to surprise him as much as her, but she kind of felt like she owed it to him in a weird way. Without it even registering in her brain first she whimpered pleadingly, "please…" in a breathy tone. He seemed to snap out of it immediately releasing his grasp and standing.
She straightened her leg out slowly with it obviously causing pain. Xander just stood over her for a minute looking down at her face as she caught her breath with relief. She finally looked up at him almost questioningly only to see him standing there blankly. And just as he had snapped out of it so quickly, seeing her look up at him that way, innocently and questioning him, he freaked. He felt his body feel as weak and faint as though he had been hyperventilating, but he hadn't, but he couldn't take his eyes off of her. The feelings running through him were almost indescribable. He finally broke off his gaze and walked quickly out of the room running his hand through his hair nervously.
"Way to be bi-polar," Faith said sarcastically as she stood. She could feel her hip straining to remain stable – the long workout of high kicks accompanied by the painful stretch caused it to threaten to give out. She was playing it off as a joke in front of everyone but she knew Xander had just tapped into one of those deep roots of anger inside of him. It was an issue she had tried to avoid since her return to Sunnydale, and she still wished she could.
She acted like he hadn't hurt her as she walked out of the room towards the staircase but as all of them observed there was an obvious weakness in her step which was usually so clearly confident and daring. If there was any doubt once she reached the staircase it was cleared up immediately. She took her first step with her left foot making her feel like it wouldn't be a problem and causing her to have too much confidence in using her right foot for the next. She lifted her leg up with all of the strain on her hip to lift it and she immediately threw her foot back down on the same stair and fell over onto the wall in pain. She definitely didn't like this feeling; she could remember her hip feeling just like this after the car accident. Memories of that weren't very pleasant either so she avoided thinking about that too.
Xander slammed his door as hard as he possibly could, actually hoping to break something in the process, as he got to his bedroom. It wasn't very 'him' yet, but within a few days it should look like more than just a bed with a duffle bag thrown next to it. His head was swimming with different thoughts, most of them conflicting with each other causing mini-collisions in his brain. He could barely understand himself as to why he had felt so good around her, and actually quite turned on, when earlier he hadn't wanted anything to do with her. He wanted her, he could admit that – he glanced down at his bulging fly and knew he couldn't deny it, but every time he started to feel that way about her Anya would jump into his head and he was immediately overwhelmed with guilt and anger. He had no control over the switch but to make it more frustrating, he was aware of when it was happening. He knew he took it out on those around, well usually just her but he couldn't stop it – that gross, weighty feeling inside wou ldn't go away unless he lashed out, but after he did that's when the guilt set in even more.
He couldn't believe what had just happened downstairs so he tried not to even think about it. He had blocked out that whole night from his brain, but in that split second when she was in pain and it was because of him he just had the images of that night flashing through his eyes faster than lightning. He was angry, angry at the world, not just any specific person – but in that moment he had hated her. He had been enjoying helping her and smiling and joking with her, it was a nice feeling to have someone you could just playfully banter with and that's when he remembered Anya. Once she entered his mind he got angry at Faith for reminding him of her, *God I'm losing it* he thought, and that's when she asked him to stop. The two things coinciding so closely that it just caused him to lash out physically rather than just verbally.
He leaned his head down in his hands trying to wipe the frustration away but it refused to work. As much as he wished he could just have stayed angry like that, he couldn't. Hearing her say please to him, hearing her beg like that was exactly what he had wanted but at the same time, once again the emotions colliding at that exact moment, he thought about how many times she had used that exact tone and word in pleading with other men when she was younger. The thought made him sick to his stomach and he felt as though he would just disintegrate in dust right there in a pile in front of her. He rubbed his face again so hard it was almost painful then he heard his door creak open. He spun around to look at the door and he saw her walk in and just stand there still with that same questioning look.
"You okay?" he muttered.
"Yeah…" she answered nonchalantly, "you should be proud of yourself - it's been a while since a guy's been able to make me limp," she joked.
"Oh yeah, real proud of myself," he answered sardonically.
"Listen, no drama…"
"Faith, you can't just come in here and expect to smile and make everything better!" he snapped at her casualness.
"Hey!" she reprimanded, "either deal and get the hell over it, or don't deal and fucking forget it!" she answered pissed off at his mood swings.
"Don't-" he warned.
"Not to be offensive, Xander, but she's gone, okay? I don't know what you want from me, but what's done is done…"
"Exactly," he answered angrily both of them knowing she had hit the exact nerve and had read that Anya was the beginning of all of this pain.
"What?" she asked confused.
"What's done is done, Faith – what's repentance when everything you've done can't be undone? Everyone you've hurt and killed… they're all gone too, Faith, and that's your problem. Deep down you know, no matter how sorry you are, you can't bring them back and you can't undo the pain you've caused." She forced a small smile across her face and tried to play everything as a joke to make it easier,
"You know, you should really get that whole bi-polar thing looked at," she said turning back towards the door. He watched her walk out, slightly limping and he felt good for shoving it in her face, but again at the same time he wanted to run after her and hold her crying his tears of regretful-ness into her hair.
I woke up slowly, nothing hurrying me except the excitement of getting to see her lying there next to me. I had gotten to sleep with her wrapped in my arms a bunch recently, and the thought still made me giddy. But that was the thing with Faith, you could have something so special, but as soon as you thought of it just as the norm she would go and change it up again. This would definitely never be boring… How could it be? Only a few hours ago they had been in a club playing babysitter, then I was carrying a completely paralyzed slayer home, and then I was picking her up half dead and the other half completely beaten up. Only to top it off with a solid hour of passionate love of nothing but her moaning my name and telling me how much she wanted me closer.
I knew she was upset - having to deal with what had happened, and what could've happened to Kennedy was something that got her brain going even more than it was already going on a regular day.
She was upset and it was obvious that she felt helpless and insecure; emotions that she definitely didn't mix well with or handle well in the least. Slow and deep, that's how she wanted it and there was no limit on how much I got to kiss her - she needed to feel whatever it was that made everything okay again. I couldn't help but think of all of the mind boggling things that guy said to her as they fought. Obviously he had said some things that got her a little messed up, I doubt she would've gotten beat up that bad without some serious emotional blockage helping the guy out. It had also occurred to me that I had absolutely no idea what had happened - I didn't know what kind of guy… beast… demon… thing had attacked her. Had she even won? The idea that she hadn't entered my mind as her frustration was practically printed in boldface type in all of her actions.
I opened my eyes only to find her already looking lackadaisically at my chest still appearing to be at least half asleep, if not more. Her blankness worried me slightly, but I swallowed it down without another thought knowing she was going to be an ultimate defensive mode because of the whole fight situation, and nothing to do with our night together. I thought about saying something but decided a soft kiss on her forehead, which was already conveniently placed within range, was probably the least evasive greeting - yeah, like I said, Faith would never get boring! She motioned to roll on top of me but as she did she stopped and slowly slid back down next to me, "I'm a little sore," she admitted holding her stomach as she eased herself back down next to me. "Guess I can't say I landed on top."
"You had a long night." I'm still amazed that she could be so amazing even after the battle she had been through. That's probably when she had gotten most of her experience though, after a big fight and no one to hang out with, that's where one nighter's come into play. I chide myself silently for thinking of her that way. "Yeah, you fucked me good," she answers and I can't help but feel hurt - okay, I'm immature too, that masculine pride peered it's ugly head momentarily.
"I meant the fight."
"Sure you did," she answers seeing straight through me.
"You scared me last night…"
"Sorry, I tried to keep it PG," she answers sarcastically as she glances suggestively under the sheets.
"Once again, I meant the fight."
"If that's what you want to call it," she says with a smile pushing up against me. Obviously, she doesn't want to talk about the fight. I'll give in to her - she's dealing with things pretty well, considering she's not really dealing with them. I would push further on that, but I can't help but sense a bit of hypocrisy in the judgment. She could, and without a doubt would, also add with much confidence if confronted with the said issue, that I was also hardly dealing with… well, anything. The idea that this entire thing is just some indirect way of me not dealing with things eagerly climbs into my head just quick enough for me to have to acknowledge it before I can shut it out again.
"You sure you're okay?" I ask in a tone that makes it obvious it's the last time I'll bother her about it… for a while anyway.
"I fucked you pretty good, didn't I?" she asked nonchalantly. I hold my ground and look at her sternly and she finally gives in. (Neat little trick I've figured out, huh?) "I'm a little sore, that's all." With that small piece of admittance I can tell she already feels insecure just by the quieted look that extends across her features softly. She reaches her hand over to my free hand and pulls it around her waist bringing herself even closer. She looks right into my eyes and I swear I can see the nervousness in them - she's so scared of this.
"Okay," I answer, excepting her shred of honesty. For what seems like a thank you she kisses me. Yeah, we've kissed a lot, but I swear I will never stop being amazed when she kisses me. Her sureness mixed with so much unsure-ness in such a perfect blend - it's intoxicating. My hand quickly meets her waist and I pull her closer to me, more for my own comfort than her own - I really didn't lose her. But I came so painfully close - closer than she's letting on and telling me. She wouldn't have called me unless she had some thought running through her head that she wasn't going to make it.
She knew how close she was because she's been there before - too many times for me to be able to think about without clutching her tighter.
"Come with me to get some coffee," she says looking up at me with a smile. I'm sure I look ridiculous with excitement but I nod enthusiastically and sit up. She does the same… except quite a bit more slowly and cautiously. I take the opportunity to grab my sweatpants off the floor and slide them on, remembering she stole my boxers to sleep in. She also made me go over to her duffle bag and grab her a tee-shirt, mumbling about how she was cold, but I knew it was more because she didn't want to see the cuts on her body, nor did she want me to.
"You're working out," she commented as I walked towards the end of the bed to grab a tee-shirt.
"Yeah…"
"Why?"
"I want to like what I see when I look down," I answer.
"Oh really," she says, a smile spreading rapidly across her features. "I don't think working out can really change a thing like that…"
"That's not what I meant," I correct quickly.
"Sure it's not," she answers playfully finally standing from the bed.
Welcome to the world of Faith dealing with her emotions everybody! It didn't surprise me in the least how she was acting, it just kind of struck a sore nerve as I related it to how she so often acted back in Sunnydale when she first came. I have to stop thinking before I have the urge to kill myself for overlooking the million and a half signs that had been written all of her face that she wasn't handling life well when she first met all of us.
Giles and Wendy sit quietly at the table in the kitchen sipping at their tea, both embarrassed when they do so simultaneously. Giles usually placing his cup down quickly and wiping his glasses with the napkin, whereas Wendy pats her nose gently with the napkin. A scene neither Faith nor Xander could help but smirk at as they both dragged themselves into the kitchen, still not fully awake.
"Good morning, Faith, how are you feeling?" Giles asked.
"I'm five by five," she answered in an unsure tone after taking a few moments to decipher what the noises coming out of Giles mouth meant. She still hadn't come up with what he said, but she figured her coined phrase was probably her best bet at an in the ballpark response. She went to reach for the top shelf in the cabinet but Xander was already reaching from behind her to get them, not at all surprised by her quickly shrinking back down from her reach in pain.
"I'll get it," he said already pulling them down. "You're not good at this whole being hurt thing, are you?" She gave a childish frown before walking over to the fridge and pulling out the milk. As she reached the counter where Xander was pouring the coffee the door to the garage opened and Willow, Buffy, and Kennedy walked in.
"Did I miss church again?" Faith asked pretending to be disappointed.
"No," Buffy answered with a smile, "we were just putting the beast to bed."
"What beast?"
"The one that you fought…"
"Oh."
"Willow put a spell on it so that we could fight it," Kennedy mentioned trying to make sure Faith didn't feel subordinated, which was already too late.
"Yeah, we killed it," Buffy repeated. "How are you feeling?" Her tone sounded normal to the unknowing ear, but for most of the people in the room the fact that it was a quick jab at Faith's subordination was all too clear.
"Yeah, how are you?" Kennedy asked enthusiastically walking quickly in front of Faith and walking backwards keeping her eyes on her face. Kennedy for one, was one of the few that wasn't picking up on the vibe. As Faith would suggest, she needed to refresh her memory of Faith/Buffy history.
"I get by," she answered in hardly more than a mutter. She walked around Kennedy and over to Xander and her coffee cup, "I hope it's just because you haven't had your coffee yet,"
Kennedy stated.
"So how'd you guys know where to go?" Xander asked seeing Faith was a little pissed off about all of this, though it was clear she was kind of mad at herself for letting herself be. Yes, the all too simplistic mind fuck that is Faith.
"Well the poison that Kennedy had ingested was one that's notoriously used by Kazara demons, which are a descendent of The Beast, from way back, except they take more of a human-ish form."
Willow explained, "Once we knew it was the Kazara we knew what goodies to pack to make it a sure thing that we won and he lost, and the nature of the Kazara is to stick to one place, their lair or den, and in this case that alley way with the warehouse…"
"Why'd you guys need magic?"
"We didn't *need* it," Buffy answered as she sipped at her cup of coffee. "It's just a really nice helper… like one of those cute little monkeys with the red sweaters."
"They're extremely strong," Willow added, "if I'm not mistaken, Fred told me that Faith fought the Beast himself not that long ago… right?" she asked turning to Faith.
"If by fought you mean got my ass royally handed to me, then sure," she answered with a slight shrug (as large of a shrug as she could make without being in too much pain).
"Well than how'd you beat it?" Kennedy asked still sort of shocked that Faith hadn't won.
"Angelus had basically set it up so he was my preheat," she answered not sparing the equivocation. "He had every intention of finishing me off so he killed the beast himself, then came after me while I could barely move. Your boys got a wicked sadistic side in there, B," Faith added turning to Buffy with a slight raise of her eyebrow. She was barely holding it together with the way Buffy was coming on full force with her holier than thou attitude, and she knew she could do little more than send some small jabs her way - not that that was going to limit the jabs… Kennedy shut her mouth at continuing with questions as she saw the tension arise between the slayers, and she figured it would probably be best to just back off. Before she could even keep up with what was going on Faith was sliding her cigarettes off of the counter and walking towards the living room.
"Will, can I steal you for a sec?" Xander asked cautiously.
Willow smiled as she saw her friend who she remembered from elementary school peaking out through that tired and worry-worn face and the cute little boy actually got around the gloomy and painful looking eye-patch that was a constant reminder to them all.
"Sure," she answered already walking out of the kitchen with him. They walked down the hallway and up the stairs into Willow and Kennedy's bedroom closing the door softly behind them. Xander gave a boyish smile before finally asking, "Will, how strong is that guy without using magic on him?"
"He basically has a sub-epidermis layer made of rock, which is right below the skin, and nothing really can penetrate it… add to that some super strength and he's pretty nasty until you use magic to erase the rock away…" she added with a grin. "Then he's really no more to fight than a human…"
"But he's a demon…"
"Yeah, nothing but evil," she clarified.
"Must've been a pretty sick guy… getting those other guys to bring him a drugged up girl," Xander finally commented urged on by Willow's pleading yet patient eyes.
"Yeah, they're kind of known for that… it goes way back to their rituals in ancient times. I haven't done too much reading on them but what I have done… like you said, pretty sick." Willow finished vaguely but was now pressed to continue by Xander's pleading, and not quite so patient countenance. "It's kind of a game… pretty much with the only objective to plant as much mind boggling things in a girls head before… you know… and then just basically watching them fall apart."
"So they do talk a lot?"
"They're sick… they like to mess with people's heads and they're good at it…"
"I really almost lost her didn't I?" Xander finally asked leaving the circuitous talking behind and finally surging for the real reason.
"Xander… it's really not my place… but…"
"What, Will?"
"Life's full of risks… we all know that. But if there's one thing we've learned in this wacky life we have, it's never to take unnecessary ones, right?" She waited for a faint nod and then continued, "you just lost Anya… someone who meant the world to you! Losing someone like that isn't something anyone should have to live through, not even once… but, definitely not twice!"
"What are you getting at?" he asked understanding her words but not necessarily her emphasis or perspective.
"Faith's a Slayer, and beyond that Faith's a lot of things, but self-destructive and imprudent are way up there on her list, not even to mention a few other notable traits and habits of hers…" she faded off seeing the lack of amusement on Xander's face and decided to stick to her point and not her opinion, "the lifespan of a Slayer is… Xander, I'm not going to beat around the bush here, you're setting yourself up to lose someone again, and as much as I don't want to admit it, you're letting yourself fall in love with her the same way you did Anya! You're delusional if you think she can possibly reciprocate those feelings, she's hardly capable… she's already hurt you so many times and the people you care about, who whether or not you still remember even after you've been with Miss-" "Hey!" he finally reprimanded quickly cutting her off. He may have cut her off but she had enough time to say some things that he couldn't shake with a simple blink even if he wished he could. "You don't know her!" he shouted sternly.
"That's my point!" she yelled back, "either do you!"
"You have no right to-"
"Xander, I don't want to fight, but I just don't want to see you get hurt again! You know yourself better than anyone, and can you honestly say to yourself that you could handle going through what you went through when you lost Anya all over again?"
He didn't answer her, he just stood there silently for several moments staring towards her as if it were through her and into his own conscious. How was it possible that she had been able to spell out all of his underlying fears and feelings? How was it possible that just having them stated seemed to gain them validity and substance? Without another word or even a true glance actually at her he turned and exited the room.
He jogged down the stairs needing to quickly put distance between himself and Willow, but not really Willow, just the thoughts in which she had seemed to stir. At the bottom of the stair case he slowed to a walk, but it was still a hurried pace in which he took towards the living room. He walked there knowing Faith liked to sit on the roof just outside of the living room window and if she wasn't there then she was just down the hallway in her bedroom. Being in luck he turned into the living room and walked over to the windowsill looking over at her trying to mask the newly found insecurity that was spreading like a disease across his face.
She sat comfortably on the slightly pitched roof with a lit cigarette. He stayed in the window and leaned out, "You okay?"
"Five by five," she answered in little more than a pissed off sigh as she slowly and pensively exhaled a long stream of thick smoke while watching the soft cigarette cradled in between her fingers.
"Want company?" he asked. Unsure of whether it was his uncertainty that caused his voice to either waver or be too low, or whether it was her just not wanting to answer him with a refusal he cautiously asked, "Faith?" She turned almost suddenly towards him and in what can't be described as anything other than a very Faith- like manner she offered a nonchalant, "What?" that in it's characteristic tone couldn't help but hold a sound that could be heard as uninterested and slightly irritated.
"I guess not," he muttered turning from the window and heading back towards the kitchen. Faith stayed sitting completely uncertain as to what she did that caused him to leave and in such a huff. She bit at her lower lip nervously as she held in another noxious cloud of smoke in her lungs. She could feel her bruises, and that was something she was used to, but the ache inside was a pain she had long been accustomed to, but without a real stir they remained at a constant moderate pain. But like an overworked muscle that was torn and is trying to heal, the ache inside felt open and bleeding almost if she moved too fast it would cause her actual physical pain. The ache inside brought her tears right to the back of her eyelids screaming to be released and her throat clenched anticipating the onslaught of tears. With a clenched jaw and a composure that lied to the world she sat waiting for the pain to subside, or at least to finally numb her just a little bit more so that she could move on - again.
Kennedy walked through the living room and over to the window where Faith was still sitting on the roof just outside of it. Without letting herself give a second glance over at the indifferent and rigid - not to even mention extremely intimidating - form, she climbed out of the window and sat next to Faith pretending to stare off at the world as Faith was. After an eternity of silence, or so it felt for Kennedy, "You okay?" Faith asked without changing her stare which was cast off onto anything other than her own life.
"Only because of you…" she answered looking over at Faith.
She didn't move or recognize that Kennedy was looking to her for some sort of reaction or anything… "what do you want me to say!?" she asked growing impatient and very uncomfortable in the silence. If she thought being under Faith's stare was bad, being in her silence was even worse.
"Big difference between me and Buffy," she stated flatly, "I don't want to control what you think and say."
"I'm sorry," Kennedy said pleadingly.
"You don't need to be. Another *big* difference between me and B, I get it, people fuck up," she shrugged, "join the club."
Kennedy nodded but not in a relieved way, "I didn't want you to have to go through that - no one should have to join the club that way." "You did."
"Like Xander said, don't *ever* follow my example, in anything."
"You know!" Kennedy said exploding angrily now staring over at Faith, "you really have no idea!"
"Kennedy, chill." She nonchalantly flicked her cigarette off the roof and watched it fall until she lost sight of it after the first two stories.
"I'm not going to 'chill'! You know, Faith, you're the first person I've met that-"
"Let's not get all…," she began only to stop just as suddenly, "whatever, Kennedy."
Xander couldn't help but laugh inwardly at himself for letting Faith… well, basically just act like she usually did, and push him away. Nailing jello to a tree would've been an easier task than being straight with her and making her be straight back. He knew she was going through some major issues with stuff in her head, but he was starting to hate himself more and more for not knowing how to be there more for her. He didn't know why he thought so, or even state when exactly anything had been different, but she was shutting him out and even though there was a lot of things he didn't know, he did know that he couldn't let her do that. Neither of them could afford it.
"Hey, Xander," Buffy greeted splitting right through his frame of thought. He couldn't tell, but it wouldn't surprise him if he had jumped a little.
"Hey, Buffy."
"You okay?" she asked seeing he looked slightly unwonted.
"I am," he answered. Buffy nodded in understanding, "Do you think she'd be okay with me talking to her?"
"I didn't know either of you had digressed back to adolescence…" she stared at him blankly and he clarified, "I think talking is allowed." She smiled and exited the room. "Never said Faith liked the rules…" he muttered under his breath as she left.
"I know you've already done way too much for me…" Kennedy said pushing herself to speak up - yeah, that was actually a problem around Faith! "Can you talk to me?" she asked looking to Faith searchingly.
"I talk to you all the time," Faith answered quickly. Her attitude was apparent enough in her body language but just in case you were too dumb to catch that, the more and more obvious Boston accent that was beginning to creep into her tone was a surefire signal to her getting a little more edgy.
"Faith, you don't know how influential you are to me, and to all of the other girls that were stuck in that house! You don't give yourself credit for-"
"Great, another thing for me to have to repent for."
"We would talk about you for hours! There wasn't one girl in that house that didn't want to know you - hell there wasn't one girl that didn't want to be you!"
"Would you fucking listen to yourself?" she snapped suddenly, "you want to talk about how cool I am, and how cool it must be to be me? You want to know, Kennedy? You really want to? Do you want to know what it's like to finally be in love with someone and not be able to tell them how you feel without feeling like you're going to throw up? To not be able to just let them tell you how they feel without thinking they're lying to you and they're just doing it to fuck with you! You want to know what it's like to sleep with the first person who's ever cared about you and not be able to believe it's them and not some other prick who's probably just going to beat the shit out of you and leave you to die once he's done because when you were younger you went out to a club and someone who you considered to be your fucking friend asks you to go for a walk so, hey, you went because after all you were friends! Next thing you fucking know you've got your fucking hands tied behind you fucking back with him holding your mouth so tight no one could hear you scream even if you could… you want to know what it's like to be there and feel that, and instead of screaming and cursing at you and beating the shit out of you all he's doing is babbling a bunch of shit about how much he loves you and how he wants to be with you forever and why won't you just give him a chance to be your guy? Said I love you so many times, I don't even really know what the fuck those words are supposed to mean anymore - you know they say to learn words through context, well hey, that works except when you have a fucking psycho raping you and telling you he wants to be with you forever! But you know, besides the pain and the extremely permanent emotional and psychologically damage you can just feel tearing into your brain, the only thing you're really thinking about is the fact that it's not the first time it's happened? So now that you know, Kennedy, how fucking cool do I look? Or wait, maybe you can ask Xander… ask him what it's like when he's trying to make love to me and all of a sudden he can't stop me from hysterically crying, or maybe, ask him what it's like when I can't hear him tell me that he loves me… hey, maybe you could even ask him what it was like for him the first time we slept together, or better yet, a few weeks after when I tried to fucking kill him. Wow, I'm just looking cooler and cooler, aren't I? So I bet you and the rest of the chicks told that story as a favorite when chatting about how fucking awesome Faith is, and how you guys want to be more like me, am I right? God, I must've been right up there with Buffy with that kind of background story…" Kennedy couldn't deny that tears had been falling from her eyes basically as soon as Faith had started on her little monologue and hearing the heart wrenching things she was saying in a tone that was bitterly sarcastic as she delivered it with normal characteristic hand movements and facial expressions, but barely any hint of emotion other than anger made her feel like she just wanted to die. It hit her that as much as her and everyone else had heard and talked about Faith, there really was very little she actually had known about her.
"Do you always give such inspirational speeches?" Buffy asked leaning out of the window and looking over to Kennedy and Faith.
Kennedy immediately swelled up with anger and was about to answer but she realized her throat was so tightly clenched she couldn't of said anything even if she had had something to say. Her mind was spinning with everything that had happened and now she just didn't understand how everyone was acting. The competitiveness between Faith and Buffy had always been obvious, but never to this extreme, and somewhat one- sided.
If there was one thing that Kennedy was beginning to understand about Faith, other than the blatant fact that she really didn't know much, she was starting to figure things out a little bit. Faith really didn't like being mean - yeah she did it, but generally it was more of a defensive than anything else. And as far as being on the defense, right now was certainly a red alert. She felt herself tense up as Faith stood up on the roof and walked towards the window towards Buffy.
She was calm and basically just ignoring the noise coming out of Buffy's mouth as she walked over to the window. Buffy stood her ground standing in the windowsill and looked up at Faith as though she didn't realize she wanted to get past her.
"Well?" she pressed.
"Well what?" Faith asked somehow managing to keep her tone straight even after all that she had just admitted to Kennedy only moments before.
"Someone calls you their idol and you give them that little spiel? Sounds like you practiced too…"
Xander could hear Buffy's aggressive tone as he walked by the living room headed back towards Faith's room, but he stopped quickly knowing *NOT GOOD*.
"If it ever happens again, I'll let you know," she answered trying to maintain whatever composure she had left while still managing to put herself down. She stepped up to the sill and looked at Buffy to move out of her way so Buffy took half a stride back barely making room for a mouse to enter. Xander stood just inside of the living room trying to assess the situation as quickly as possible and then on top of that figure out what he could possibly do about it. It had been a very long time since he had tried to jump between these two fighting - it was a lesson he well remembered. Faith ignored the fact that there was far from enough room for her to get back into the window and stepped one leg through pushing Buffy back slightly. Buffy stood her ground pushing back against Faith trying to get past her, "Hey, Buffy?" Xander said cautiously, "could you-" he stopped as she backed away from the window as though it were the first time she had been asked to. She shot him an angry glare realizing he was officially not on her side of things. Faith climbed inside of the window gingerly trying not to agitate her already strained body.
"Thanks B," she said with a cynically saccharine smile. She motioned to walk past her and Buffy nonchalantly stepped into her at the last moment causing a solid thud to resound as Faith was stopped in her tracks. [She turned towards her quickly sending a strong blow at her face giving her enough time to reach for the pocket knife she had spotted in Buffy's back pocket earlier that morning. She grabbed it out and opened it quickly sending the blade plunging through her stomach. She felt her sink around the blade and almost collapse as she twisted it in her gut being able to feel the blood trickling down over her hand tightly clenched around the blade. The euphoric rush that comes just before the adrenaline starts to make you almost shake from edginess and-] She blinked painfully and took a breath as a surge of pain raged through her body. Xander saw her jaw clenching and immediately stepped forward to help her. She had her left arm wrapped around her waist clutching it painfully but she walked around both him and Buffy being sure to quickly rein in the part of her that was dying to cut loose.
Unable to control the urge of pure anger and the desire for hostility Buffy quickly commented to Xander before he left and well before Faith was out of earshot, "So what's it like to be with a girl when she's crying?" She waited just long enough for that to sink in before adding, "I've always wondered what the big attraction was for screwing her," for added effect she turned towards Kennedy and gave a histrionic shrug.
Xander held himself together, only for Faith, and walked towards their bedroom after her. Kennedy climbed in through the window and wanted so badly to say something to Buffy but she couldn't even bring herself to think of anything… since when was a lack of words a problem she ran into so often? She still wasn't over the shock factor of what Faith had spilled on her, and as she approached Buffy to scream something at her she saw the glisten of tears at the edges of her eyes.
"Buffy?" Kennedy asked seeing that she was so close to crying.
"Kennedy, go away." Her tone was stern and unfeeling.
"You two are so alike you can't even notice it," she muttered walking past her.
Faith walked rigidly down the hallway holding her stomach as though it would disappear if she didn't. She wished the pain would… she shook her head as she walked reproving herself for the actions she watched herself so vividly take before. She hadn't had impulses like that in a while, and it scared her just how quickly everything fell together. She knew that her brain never stopped working in the way it always had - it's impossible for someone to alter the way they think completely, no matter how much they say it's possible, it's not! No matter how long she rotted in that cell there was no way she could make her brain stop noticing everything - noticing where people put their weapons, where they were looking and what made them distracted to look the other way, how people walked and where, and that was just to name a few things. Everything that made her a killer was still there, she just had made up her mind to get off on curbing herself rather than watching herself play.
She stopped short seeing Andrew suddenly standing in front of her. He began to greet her excitedly but immediately stopped himself seeing the vacant expression on her face. He glanced from her face to his left where Giles and Robin were following him from then back over to Xander approaching from down the hallway. In an awkward moment all four of them ended up in the small corridor around her; like I said, it was awkward. She stopped suddenly surrounded closely by the four of them feeling guilt rip through her as though they could actually have known what she had thought.
*The four cops surrounded her on all sides outside of the Bronze, almost before she could've anticipated it. The felt her muscles tighten and tense and the feeling of fear and anxiety sweep through her as she lashed out violently at all of them thinking she had finally gotten an edge until she felt their batons reining down on top of her. She felt the pavement come up towards her fast as she was sent down to the ground by the fierce blows.* "Excuse me," she choked out trying to wedge past Giles and Andrew. Giles saw the expression on Xander's face and quickly asked, "Faith, is everything alright?"
"Five by fucking five," she answered motioning to walk away again.
"Faith," Giles stated firmly taking a hold of her arm. She glared at him and then down at his hand around her arm and back up at him causing him quickly to release his grip, "how are you feeling?" *'How you feelin now princess?' Ricky asked his voice almost as sleazy as the actual sight of him. Her stomach tensed uncontrollably and she felt like she would vomit if she actually had anything in her stomach. She gagged inwardly needing to release her repulsion somehow more than she needed to breathe. He took another look over her then spit in her direction before turning and walking towards the door. The door slammed loudly and she jumped.* Kennedy walked out through the hallway slamming the living room door angrily as she exited it after Buffy had disappeared upstairs. Xander could see Faith shaking from down the hall and just saw her jump from the noise of the door.
"Faith?" Giles pressed.
"Like shit," she answered flatly. Xander heard it in her voice first then with the slight falter in her step he stepped quickly behind her supporting her with his arm around her waist but played it off as if it were nothing more than a motion of affection. "Excuse us," he said politely as he walked past them all now helping her towards her bedroom. He could see the beads of sweat forming around her face before they went into the dim hallway and then finally into her room. "Faith?"
"It's nothing," she answered quickly, pulling away from him as she spoke, with somewhat regained balance.
"What are you talking about?" he caught.
"Nothing," she answered again not even trying to hide this distress on her face.
"I get you not wanting to talk about- damn it, Faith, you don't ever want to talk about anything! I don't even know what it is you're not talking about any more… I've tried to figure it out, but I just can't, and I don't know why but I feel like I have to figure it out fast because…" his words came to a slow halt and he stood powerlessly looking over at her. She glanced indifferently over at him then quickly lowered her eyes again. *Why is this so hard for her?* Xander thought pleadingly to himself. She sighed shallowly still with her gaze fixed at the floor and walked over to the bed.
She lowered herself down on the bed and held the pillow close to her face so that only one eye could peak out from it, and even then not in entirety.
She pulled the pillow closer to her face as tears began to spill from them. Her body ached from everything! She didn't know whether she felt like crying or screaming; whether she felt like saying something or being completely quiet; whether she wanted to run or sleep, stand up or fall, live or die… The only thing she really was clear on was that all she wanted was Xander next to her with his arms wrapped around her - as she heard his footsteps get more and more distant as he left the room, she couldn't understand why she wasn't able to just tell him that.
I woke up slowly, nothing hurrying me except the excitement of getting to see her lying there next to me. I had gotten to sleep with her wrapped in my arms a bunch recently, and the thought still made me giddy. But that was the thing with Faith, you could have something so special, but as soon as you thought of it just as the norm she would go and change it up again. This would definitely never be boring… How could it be? Only a few hours ago they had been in a club playing babysitter, then I was carrying a completely paralyzed slayer home, and then I was picking her up half dead and the other half completely beaten up. Only to top it off with a solid hour of passionate love of nothing but her moaning my name and telling me how much she wanted me closer.
I knew she was upset - having to deal with what had happened, and what could've happened to Kennedy was something that got her brain going even more than it was already going on a regular day. She was upset and it was obvious that she felt helpless and insecure; emotions that she definitely didn't mix well with or handle well in the least. Slow and deep, that's how she wanted it and there was no limit on how much I got to kiss her - she needed to feel whatever it was that made everything okay again. I couldn't help but think of all of the mind boggling things that guy said to her as they fought.
Obviously he had said some things that got her a little messed up, I doubt she would've gotten beat up that bad without some serious emotional blockage helping the guy out. It had also occurred to me that I had absolutely no idea what had happened - I didn't know what kind of guy… beast… demon… thing had attacked her. Had she even won? The idea that she hadn't entered my mind as her frustration was practically printed in boldface type in all of her actions.
I opened my eyes only to find her already looking lackadaisically at my chest still appearing to be at least half asleep, if not more. Her blankness worried me slightly, but I swallowed it down without another thought knowing she was going to be an ultimate defensive mode because of the whole fight situation, and nothing to do with our night together. I thought about saying something but decided a soft kiss on her forehead, which was already conveniently placed within range, was probably the least evasive greeting - yeah, like I said, Faith would never get boring!
She motioned to roll on top of me but as she did she stopped and slowly slid back down next to me,
"I'm a little sore," she admitted holding her stomach as she eased herself back down next to me. "Guess I can't say I landed on top."
"You had a long night." I'm still amazed that she could be so amazing even after the battle she had been through. That's probably when she had gotten most of her experience though, after a big fight and no one to hang out with, that's where one nighter's come into play. I chide myself silently for thinking of her that way.
"Yeah, you fucked me good," she answers and I can't help but feel hurt - okay, I'm immature too, that masculine pride peered it's ugly head momentarily.
"I meant the fight."
"Sure you did," she answers seeing straight through me.
"You scared me last night…"
"Sorry, I tried to keep it PG," she answers sarcastically as she glances suggestively under the sheets.
"Once again, I meant the fight."
"If that's what you want to call it," she says with a smile pushing up against me. Obviously, she doesn't want to talk about the fight. I'll give in to her - she's dealing with things pretty well, considering she's not really dealing with them. I would push further on that, but I can't help but sense a bit of hypocrisy in the judgment. She could, and without a doubt would, also add with much confidence if confronted with the said issue, that I was also hardly dealing with… well, anything. The idea that this entire thing is just some indirect way of me not dealing with things eagerly climbs into my head just quick enough for me to have to acknowledge it before I can shut it out again.
"You sure you're okay?" I ask in a tone that makes it obvious it's the last time I'll bother her about it… for a while anyway.
"I fucked you pretty good, didn't I?" she asked nonchalantly. I hold my ground and look at her sternly and she finally gives in. (Neat little trick I've figured out, huh?) "I'm a little sore, that's all." With that small piece of admittance I can tell she already feels insecure just by the quieted look that extends across her features softly. She reaches her hand over to my free hand and pulls it around her waist bringing herself even closer. She looks right into my eyes and I swear I can see the nervousness in them - she's so scared of this.
"Okay," I answer, excepting her shred of honesty. For what seems like a thank you she kisses me. Yeah, we've kissed a lot, but I swear I will never stop being amazed when she kisses me. Her sureness mixed with so much unsure-ness in such a perfect blend - it's intoxicating. My hand quickly meets her waist and I pull her closer to me, more for my own comfort than her own - I really didn't lose her. But I came so painfully close - closer than she's letting on and telling me. She wouldn't have called me unless she had some thought running through her head that she wasn't going to make it. She knew how close she was because she's been there before - too many times for me to be able to think about without clutching her tighter.
"Come with me to get some coffee," she says looking up at me with a smile. I'm sure I look ridiculous with excitement but I nod enthusiastically and sit up. She does the same… except quite a bit more slowly and cautiously. I take the opportunity to grab my sweatpants off the floor and slide them on, remembering she stole my boxers to sleep in. She also made me go over to her duffle bag and grab her a tee-shirt, mumbling about how she was cold, but I knew it was more because she didn't want to see the cuts on her body, nor did she want me to.
"You're working out," she commented as I walked towards the end of the bed to grab a tee-shirt.
"Yeah…"
"Why?"
"I want to like what I see when I look down," I answer.
"Oh really," she says, a smile spreading rapidly across her features. "I don't think working out can really change a thing like that…"
"That's not what I meant," I correct quickly.
"Sure it's not," she answers playfully finally standing from the bed.
Welcome to the world of Faith dealing with her emotions everybody! It didn't surprise me in the least how she was acting, it just kind of struck a sore nerve as I related it to how she so often acted back in Sunnydale when she first came. I have to stop thinking before I have the urge to kill myself for overlooking the million and a half signs that had been written all of her face that she wasn't handling life well when she first met all of us.
Giles and Wendy sit quietly at the table in the kitchen sipping at their tea, both embarrassed when they do so simultaneously. Giles usually placing his cup down quickly and wiping his glasses with the napkin, whereas Wendy pats her nose gently with the napkin. A scene neither Faith nor Xander could help but smirk at as they both dragged themselves into the kitchen, still not fully awake.
"Good morning, Faith, how are you feeling?" Giles asked.
"I'm five by five," she answered in an unsure tone after taking a few moments to decipher what the noises coming out of Giles mouth meant. She still hadn't come up with what he said, but she figured her coined phrase was probably her best bet at an in the ballpark response. She went to reach for the top shelf in the cabinet but Xander was already reaching from behind her to get them, not at all surprised by her quickly shrinking back down from her reach in pain.
"I'll get it," he said already pulling them down. "You're not good at this whole being hurt thing, are you?" She gave a childish frown before walking over to the fridge and pulling out the milk. As she reached the counter where Xander was pouring the coffee the door to the garage opened and Willow, Buffy, and Kennedy walked in.
"Did I miss church again?" Faith asked pretending to be disappointed.
"No," Buffy answered with a smile, "we were just putting the beast to bed."
"What beast?"
"The one that you fought…"
"Oh."
"Willow put a spell on it so that we could fight it," Kennedy mentioned trying to make sure Faith didn't feel subordinated, which was already too late.
"Yeah, we killed it," Buffy repeated. "How are you feeling?" Her tone sounded normal to the unknowing ear, but for most of the people in the room the fact that it was a quick jab at Faith's subordination was all too clear.
"Yeah, how are you?" Kennedy asked enthusiastically walking quickly in front of Faith and walking backwards keeping her eyes on her face. Kennedy for one, was one of the few that wasn't picking up on the vibe. As Faith would suggest, she needed to refresh her memory of Faith/Buffy history.
"I get by," she answered in hardly more than a mutter. She walked around Kennedy and over to Xander and her coffee cup,
"I hope it's just because you haven't had your coffee yet," Kennedy stated.
"So how'd you guys know where to go?" Xander asked seeing Faith was a little pissed off about all of this, though it was clear she was kind of mad at herself for letting herself be. Yes, the all too simplistic mind fuck that is Faith.
"Well the poison that Kennedy had ingested was one that's notoriously used by Kazara demons, which are a descendent of The Beast, from way back, except they take more of a human-ish form." Willow explained, "Once we knew it was the Kazara we knew what goodies to pack to make it a sure thing that we won and he lost, and the nature of the Kazara is to stick to one place, their lair or den, and in this case that alley way with the warehouse…"
"Why'd you guys need magic?"
"We didn't *need* it," Buffy answered as she sipped at her cup of coffee. "It's just a really nice helper… like one of those cute little monkeys with the red sweaters."
"They're extremely strong," Willow added, "if I'm not mistaken, Fred told me that Faith fought the Beast himself not that long ago… right?" she asked turning to Faith.
"If by fought you mean got my ass royally handed to me, then sure," she answered with a slight shrug (as large of a shrug as she could make without being in too much pain).
"Well than how'd you beat it?" Kennedy asked still sort of shocked that Faith hadn't won.
"Angelus had basically set it up so he was my preheat," she answered not sparing the equivocation. "He had every intention of finishing me off so he killed the beast himself, then came after me while I could barely move. Your boys got a wicked sadistic side in there, B," Faith added turning to Buffy with a slight raise of her eyebrow. She was barely holding it together with the way Buffy was coming on full force with her holier than thou attitude, and she knew she could do little more than send some small jabs her way - not that that was going to limit the jabs…
Kennedy shut her mouth at continuing with questions as she saw the tension arise between the slayers, and she figured it would probably be best to just back off. Before she could even keep up with what was going on Faith was sliding her cigarettes off of the counter and walking towards the living room.
"Will, can I steal you for a sec?" Xander asked cautiously. Willow smiled as she saw her friend who she remembered from elementary school peaking out through that tired and worry-worn face and the cute little boy actually got around the gloomy and painful looking eye-patch that was a constant reminder to them all.
"Sure," she answered already walking out of the kitchen with him. They walked down the hallway and up the stairs into Willow and Kennedy's bedroom closing the door softly behind them. Xander gave a boyish smile before finally asking, "Will, how strong is that guy without using magic on him?" "He basically has a sub-epidermis layer made of rock, which is right below the skin, and nothing really can penetrate it… add to that some super strength and he's pretty nasty until you use magic to erase the rock away…" she added with a grin. "Then he's really no more to fight than a human…"
"But he's a demon…"
"Yeah, nothing but evil," she clarified.
"Must've been a pretty sick guy… getting those other guys to bring him a drugged up girl," Xander finally commented urged on by Willow's pleading yet patient eyes.
"Yeah, they're kind of known for that… it goes way back to their rituals in ancient times. I haven't done too much reading on them but what I have done… like you said, pretty sick." Willow finished vaguely but was now pressed to continue by Xander's pleading, and not quite so patient countenance. "It's kind of a game… pretty much with the only objective to plant as much mind boggling things in a girls head before… you know… and then just basically watching them fall apart."
"So they do talk a lot?"
"They're sick… they like to mess with people's heads and they're good at it…"
"I really almost lost her didn't I?" Xander finally asked leaving the circuitous talking behind and finally surging for the real reason.
"Xander… it's really not my place… but…"
"What, Will?"
"Life's full of risks… we all know that. But if there's one thing we've learned in this wacky life we have, it's never to take unnecessary ones, right?" She waited for a faint nod and then continued, "you just lost Anya… someone who meant the world to you! Losing someone like that isn't something anyone should have to live through, not even once… but, definitely not twice!"
"What are you getting at?" he asked understanding her words but not necessarily her emphasis or perspective.
"Faith's a Slayer, and beyond that Faith's a lot of things, but self-destructive and imprudent are way up there on her list, not even to mention a few other notable traits and habits of hers…" she faded off seeing the lack of amusement on Xander's face and decided to stick to her point and not her opinion, "the lifespan of a Slayer is… Xander, I'm not going to beat around the bush here, you're setting yourself up to lose someone again, and as much as I don't want to admit it, you're letting yourself fall in love with her the same way you did Anya! You're delusional if you think she can possibly reciprocate those feelings, she's hardly capable… she's already hurt you so many times and the people you care about, who whether or not you still remember even after you've been with Miss-"
"Hey!" he finally reprimanded quickly cutting her off. He may have cut her off but she had enough time to say some things that he couldn't shake with a simple blink even if he wished he could. "You don't know her!" he shouted sternly.
"That's my point!" she yelled back, "either do you!"
"You have no right to-"
"Xander, I don't want to fight, but I just don't want to see you get hurt again! You know yourself better than anyone, and can you honestly say to yourself that you could handle going through what you went through when you lost Anya all over again?"
He didn't answer her, he just stood there silently for several moments staring towards her as if it were through her and into his own conscious. How was it possible that she had been able to spell out all of his underlying fears and feelings? How was it possible that just having them stated seemed to gain them validity and substance? Without another word or even a true glance actually at her he turned and exited the room.
He jogged down the stairs needing to quickly put distance between himself and Willow, but not really Willow, just the thoughts in which she had seemed to stir. At the bottom of the stair case he slowed to a walk, but it was still a hurried pace in which he took towards the living room. He walked there knowing Faith liked to sit on the roof just outside of the living room window and if she wasn't there then she was just down the hallway in her bedroom. Being in luck he turned into the living room and walked over to the windowsill looking over at her trying to mask the newly found insecurity that was spreading like a disease across his face. She sat comfortably on the slightly pitched roof with a lit cigarette. He stayed in the window and leaned out,
"You okay?"
"Five by five," she answered in little more than a pissed off sigh as she slowly and pensively exhaled a long stream of thick smoke while watching the soft cigarette cradled in between her fingers.
"Want company?" he asked. Unsure of whether it was his uncertainty that caused his voice to either waver or be too low, or whether it was her just not wanting to answer him with a refusal he cautiously asked, "Faith?" She turned almost suddenly towards him and in what can't be described as anything other than a very Faith- like manner she offered a nonchalant,
"What?" that in it's characteristic tone couldn't help but hold a sound that could be heard as uninterested and slightly irritated.
"I guess not," he muttered turning from the window and heading back towards the kitchen. Faith stayed sitting completely uncertain as to what she did that caused him to leave and in such a huff. She bit at her lower lip nervously as she held in another noxious cloud of smoke in her lungs. She could feel her bruises, and that was something she was used to, but the ache inside was a pain she had long been accustomed to, but without a real stir they remained at a constant moderate pain. But like an overworked muscle that was torn and is trying to heal, the ache inside felt open and bleeding almost if she moved too fast it would cause her actual physical pain. The ache inside brought her tears right to the back of her eyelids screaming to be released and her throat clenched anticipating the onslaught of tears. With a clenched jaw and a composure that lied to the world she sat waiting for the pain to subside, or at least to finally numb her just a little bit more so that she could move on - again.
Kennedy walked through the living room and over to the window where Faith was still sitting on the roof just outside of it. Without letting herself give a second glance over at the indifferent and rigid - not to even mention extremely intimidating - form, she climbed out of the window and sat next to Faith pretending to stare off at the world as Faith was. After an eternity of silence, or so it felt for Kennedy,
"You okay?" Faith asked without changing her stare which was cast off onto anything other than her own life.
"Only because of you…" she answered looking over at Faith. She didn't move or recognize that Kennedy was looking to her for some sort of reaction or anything… "what do you want me to say!?" she asked growing impatient and very uncomfortable in the silence. If she thought being under Faith's stare was bad, being in her silence was even worse.
"Big difference between me and Buffy," she stated flatly, "I don't want to control what you think and say."
"I'm sorry," Kennedy said pleadingly.
"You don't need to be. Another *big* difference between me and B, I get it, people fuck up," she shrugged, "join the club." Kennedy nodded but not in a relieved way, "I didn't want you to have to go through that - no one should have to join the club that way."
"You did."
"Like Xander said, don't *ever* follow my example, in anything."
"You know!" Kennedy said exploding angrily now staring over at Faith, "you really have no idea!"
"Kennedy, chill." She nonchalantly flicked her cigarette off the roof and watched it fall until she lost sight of it after the first two stories.
"I'm not going to 'chill'! You know, Faith, you're the first person I've met that-"
"Let's not get all…," she began only to stop just as suddenly, "whatever, Kennedy."
Xander couldn't help but laugh inwardly at himself for letting Faith… well, basically just act like she usually did, and push him away. Nailing jello to a tree would've been an easier task than being straight with her and making her be straight back. He knew she was going through some major issues with stuff in her head, but he was starting to hate himself more and more for not knowing how to be there more for her. He didn't know why he thought so, or even state when exactly anything had been different, but she was shutting him out and even though there was a lot of things he didn't know, he did know that he couldn't let her do that. Neither of them could afford it.
"Hey, Xander," Buffy greeted splitting right through his frame of thought. He couldn't tell, but it wouldn't surprise him if he had jumped a little.
"Hey, Buffy."
"You okay?" she asked seeing he looked slightly unwonted.
"I am," he answered. Buffy nodded in understanding,
"Do you think she'd be okay with me talking to her?"
"I didn't know either of you had digressed back to adolescence…" she stared at him blankly and he clarified, "I think talking is allowed." She smiled and exited the room. "Never said Faith liked the rules…" he muttered under his breath as she left.
"I know you've already done way too much for me…" Kennedy said pushing herself to speak up - yeah, that was actually a problem around Faith! "Can you talk to me?" she asked looking to Faith searchingly.
"I talk to you all the time," Faith answered quickly. Her attitude was apparent enough in her body language but just in case you were too dumb to catch that, the more and more obvious Boston accent that was beginning to creep into her tone was a surefire signal to her getting a little more edgy.
"Faith, you don't know how influential you are to me, and to all of the other girls that were stuck in that house! You don't give yourself credit for-"
"Great, another thing for me to have to repent for."
"We would talk about you for hours! There wasn't one girl in that house that didn't want to know you - hell there wasn't one girl that didn't want to be you!"
"Would you fucking listen to yourself?" she snapped suddenly, "you want to talk about how cool I am, and how cool it must be to be me? You want to know, Kennedy? You really want to? Do you want to know what it's like to finally be in love with someone and not be able to tell them how you feel without feeling like you're going to throw up? To not be able to just let them tell you how they feel without thinking they're lying to you and they're just doing it to fuck with you! You want to know what it's like to sleep with the first person who's ever cared about you and not be able to believe it's them and not some other prick who's probably just going to beat the shit out of you and leave you to die once he's done because when you were younger you went out to a club and someone who you considered to be your fucking friend asks you to go for a walk so, hey, you went because after all you were friends! Next thing you fucking know you've got your fucking hands tied behind you fucking back with him holding your mouth so tight no one could hear you scream even if you could… you want to know what it's like to be there and feel that, and instead of screaming and cursing at you and beating the shit out of you all he's doing is babbling a bunch of shit about how much he loves you and how he wants to be with you forever and why won't you just give him a chance to be your guy? Said I love you so many times, I don't even really know what the fuck those words are supposed to mean anymore - you know they say to learn words through context, well hey, that works except when you have a fucking psycho raping you and telling you he wants to be with you forever! But you know, besides the pain and the extremely permanent emotional and psychologically damage you can just feel tearing into your brain, the only thing you're really thinking about is the fact that it's not the first time it's happened? So now that you know, Kennedy, how fucking cool do I look? Or wait, maybe you can ask Xander… ask him what it's like when he's trying to make love to me and all of a sudden he can't stop me from hysterically crying, or maybe, ask him what it's like when I can't hear him tell me that he loves me… hey, maybe you could even ask him what it was like for him the first time we slept together, or better yet, a few weeks after when I tried to fucking kill him. Wow, I'm just looking cooler and cooler, aren't I? So I bet you and the rest of the chicks told that story as a favorite when chatting about how fucking awesome Faith is, and how you guys want to be more like me, am I right? God, I must've been right up there with Buffy with that kind of background story…"
Kennedy couldn't deny that tears had been falling from her eyes basically as soon as Faith had started on her little monologue and hearing the heart wrenching things she was saying in a tone that was bitterly sarcastic as she delivered it with normal characteristic hand movements and facial expressions, but barely any hint of emotion other than anger made her feel like she just wanted to die. It hit her that as much as her and everyone else had heard and talked about Faith, there really was very little she actually had known about her.
"Do you always give such inspirational speeches?" Buffy asked leaning out of the window and looking over to Kennedy and Faith. Kennedy immediately swelled up with anger and was about to answer but she realized her throat was so tightly clenched she couldn't of said anything even if she had had something to say. Her mind was spinning with everything that had happened and now she just didn't understand how everyone was acting. The competitiveness between Faith and Buffy had always been obvious, but never to this extreme, and somewhat one- sided.
If there was one thing that Kennedy was beginning to understand about Faith, other than the blatant fact that she really didn't know much, she was starting to figure things out a little bit. Faith really didn't like being mean - yeah she did it, but generally it was more of a defensive than anything else. And as far as being on the defense, right now was certainly a red alert. She felt herself tense up as Faith stood up on the roof and walked towards the window towards Buffy.
She was calm and basically just ignoring the noise coming out of Buffy's mouth as she walked over to the window. Buffy stood her ground standing in the windowsill and looked up at Faith as though she didn't realize she wanted to get past her.
"Well?" she pressed.
"Well what?" Faith asked somehow managing to keep her tone straight even after all that she had just admitted to Kennedy only moments before.
"Someone calls you their idol and you give them that little spiel? Sounds like you practiced too…"
Xander could hear Buffy's aggressive tone as he walked by the living room headed back towards Faith's room, but he stopped quickly knowing *NOT GOOD*.
"If it ever happens again, I'll let you know," she answered trying to maintain whatever composure she had left while still managing to put herself down. She stepped up to the sill and looked at Buffy to move out of her way so Buffy took half a stride back barely making room for a mouse to enter. Xander stood just inside of the living room trying to assess the situation as quickly as possible and then on top of that figure out what he could possibly do about it. It had been a very long time since he had tried to jump between these two fighting - it was a lesson he well remembered. Faith ignored the fact that there was far from enough room for her to get back into the window and stepped one leg through pushing Buffy back slightly. Buffy stood her ground pushing back against Faith trying to get past her,
"Hey, Buffy?" Xander said cautiously, "could you-" he stopped as she backed away from the window as though it were the first time she had been asked to. She shot him an angry glare realizing he was officially not on her side of things. Faith climbed inside of the window gingerly trying not to agitate her already strained body.
"Thanks B," she said with a cynically saccharine smile. She motioned to walk past her and Buffy nonchalantly stepped into her at the last moment causing a solid thud to resound as Faith was stopped in her tracks. [She turned towards her quickly sending a strong blow at her face giving her enough time to reach for the pocket knife she had spotted in Buffy's back pocket earlier that morning. She grabbed it out and opened it quickly sending the blade plunging through her stomach. She felt her sink around the blade and almost collapse as she twisted it in her gut being able to feel the blood trickling down over her hand tightly clenched around the blade. The euphoric rush that comes just before the adrenaline starts to make you almost shake from edginess and-] She blinked painfully and took a breath as a surge of pain raged through her body. Xander saw her jaw clenching and immediately stepped forward to help her. She had her left arm wrapped around her waist clutching it painfully but she walked around both him and Buffy being sure to quickly rein in the part of her that was dying to cut loose.
Unable to control the urge of pure anger and the desire for hostility Buffy quickly commented to Xander before he left and well before Faith was out of earshot, "So what's it like to be with a girl when she's crying?" She waited just long enough for that to sink in before adding, "I've always wondered what the big attraction was for screwing her," for added effect she turned towards Kennedy and gave a histrionic shrug. Xander held himself together, only for Faith, and walked towards their bedroom after her. Kennedy climbed in through the window and wanted so badly to say something to Buffy but she couldn't even bring herself to think of anything… since when was a lack of words a problem she ran into so often? She still wasn't over the shock factor of what Faith had spilled on her, and as she approached Buffy to scream something at her she saw the glisten of tears at the edges of her eyes.
"Buffy?" Kennedy asked seeing that she was so close to crying. "Kennedy, go away." Her tone was stern and unfeeling.
"You two are so alike you can't even notice it," she muttered walking past her.
Faith walked rigidly down the hallway holding her stomach as though it would disappear if she didn't. She wished the pain would… she shook her head as she walked reproving herself for the actions she watched herself so vividly take before. She hadn't had impulses like that in a while, and it scared her just how quickly everything fell together. She knew that her brain never stopped working in the way it always had - it's impossible for someone to alter the way they think completely, no matter how much they say it's possible, it's not! No matter how long she rotted in that cell there was no way she could make her brain stop noticing everything - noticing where people put their weapons, where they were looking and what made them distracted to look the other way, how people walked and where, and that was just to name a few things. Everything that made her a killer was still there, she just had made up her mind to get off on curbing herself rather than watching herself play.
She stopped short seeing Andrew suddenly standing in front of her. He began to greet her excitedly but immediately stopped himself seeing the vacant expression on her face. He glanced from her face to his left where Giles and Robin were following him from then back over to Xander approaching from down the hallway. In an awkward moment all four of them ended up in the small corridor around her; like I said, it was awkward. She stopped suddenly surrounded closely by the four of them feeling guilt rip through her as though they could actually have known what she had thought.
*The four cops surrounded her on all sides outside of the Bronze, almost before she could've anticipated it. The felt her muscles tighten and tense and the feeling of fear and anxiety sweep through her as she lashed out violently at all of them thinking she had finally gotten an edge until she felt their batons reining down on top of her. She felt the pavement come up towards her fast as she was sent down to the ground by the fierce blows.*
"Excuse me," she choked out trying to wedge past Giles and Andrew. Giles saw the expression on Xander's face and quickly asked,
"Faith, is everything alright?"
"Five by fucking five," she answered motioning to walk away again.
"Faith," Giles stated firmly taking a hold of her arm. She glared at him and then down at his hand around her arm and back up at him causing him quickly to release his grip, "how are you feeling?"
*'How you feelin now princess?' Ricky asked his voice almost as sleazy as the actual sight of him. Her stomach tensed uncontrollably and she felt like she would vomit if she actually had anything in her stomach. She gagged inwardly needing to release her repulsion somehow more than she needed to breathe. He took another look over her then spit in her direction before turning and walking towards the door. The door slammed loudly and she jumped.*
Kennedy walked out through the hallway slamming the living room door angrily as she exited it after Buffy had disappeared upstairs. Xander could see Faith shaking from down the hall and just saw her jump from the noise of the door.
"Faith?" Giles pressed.
"Like shit," she answered flatly. Xander heard it in her voice first then with the slight falter in her step he stepped quickly behind her supporting her with his arm around her waist but played it off as if it were nothing more than a motion of affection.
"Excuse us," he said politely as he walked past them all now helping her towards her bedroom. He could see the beads of sweat forming around her face before they went into the dim hallway and then finally into her room. "Faith?"
"It's nothing," she answered quickly, pulling away from him as she spoke, with somewhat regained balance.
"What are you talking about?" he caught.
"Nothing," she answered again not even trying to hide this distress on her face.
"I get you not wanting to talk about- damn it, Faith, you don't ever want to talk about anything! I don't even know what it is you're not talking about any more… I've tried to figure it out, but I just can't, and I don't know why but I feel like I have to figure it out fast because…" his words came to a slow halt and he stood powerlessly looking over at her. She glanced indifferently over at him then quickly lowered her eyes again. *Why is this so hard for her?* Xander thought pleadingly to himself. She sighed shallowly still with her gaze fixed at the floor and walked over to the bed. She lowered herself down on the bed and held the pillow close to her face so that only one eye could peak out from it, and even then not in entirety.
She pulled the pillow closer to her face as tears began to spill from them. Her body ached from everything! She didn't know whether she felt like crying or screaming; whether she felt like saying something or being completely quiet; whether she wanted to run or sleep, stand up or fall, live or die… The only thing she really was clear on was that all she wanted was Xander next to her with his arms wrapped around her - as she heard his footsteps get more and more distant as he left the room, she couldn't understand why she wasn't able to just tell him that.
About a week and a half passed by and the entire atmosphere of the house felt both thick and slippery. There was a mix between so many emotions rushing around that it was hard to keep track. The group of people who had really been very close, not necessarily in a friendly way at all times, but certainly in a way so that they were all able to work and fight together. There was certainly a closeness that came with fighting off the end of the world together ? it's not something too many people experience. But to make the understatement of the century that would even beat, 'Faith and Buffy are pretty', would be to say that tensions were high.
When you throw a bunch of people together, most of which are *special* in one way or another, and those that aren't specifically gifted in that particular way are certainly strong people all in their own (if they weren't they wouldn't be able to survive long with this group), you're bound to have tension, but this tension was enough to throw the Earth off it's axis with it's intensity. It was hard to keep straight what was going on with who ? if they thought high school had too much cliquey drama, welcome to hell, and we aren't talking about the gapping, fiery hole of eternal pain, which seemed a pleasant vacation from this house. That's not to say all occupants weren't trying to make things work out… well, most were.
The situation running between Kennedy and Willow was unmistakable ? there was definitely trouble in paradise. Neither really wanted to admit anything was wrong, but as is clear to Kennedy's personality, she wasn't about to sit there and pretend everything was peachy either. As Kennedy had gotten closer with Faith, Willow had gotten closer with Buffy again in need of a companion and someone to talk to. And of course since the slayers were like magnets of the same charge, there was absolutely no way that the couple talking to separate slayers was aiding in their relationship. Whenever the subject of Faith or Buffy would come up between the two of them as if by clockwork Kennedy would storm out of their bedroom after a quick argument with Willow closely behind her. Kennedy would usually find asylum with Dawn, or now, more commonly than usual, Robin.
It had gotten so predictable that Faith, according to Buffy made the mistake, according to Faith was wicked funny, by saying something to Willow. It was a typical Tuesday (ha, typical! Not likely in this house!), and Faith was sitting on the counter nursing a Corona, which was chasing a row of half a dozen shots of Peppermint Schnapps. Buffy was sitting at the table with Xander and Giles discussing plans for the new house. Buffy's eyes darted back and forth from Giles and Xander to Faith sitting up on the counter. Faith reveled in the discomfort she was putting Buffy in ? this kind of tension was something Faith was used to, it literally ate away at Buffy. Sitting in a cafeteria with over six hundred ornery, dirty, tired, and nasty penitentiary woman had been fairly good training for having to sit across the room from Buffy. Just for an added effect the one time Buffy looked up at Faith and was caught dead on by Faith's returned eye contact Faith motioned a saccharine air kiss over to Buffy with a so typically Faith smile to conclude it. Buffy's eyes snapped angrily back over to Xander and Giles and were concretely fixed there.
The door from upstairs opened quickly and Kennedy stormed angrily down the stairs but as she approached the kitchen she kept her eyes fixed downward and walked into the living room where Robin and Andrew were watching television. Willow followed behind her quite a few paces and as she approached the kitchen looking at the group sitting in there with a questioning look of where Kennedy had gone to Faith glanced up, feeling some of the affects of the alcohol urging her on, but mostly just her instigating personality,
"So, you try talkin' about me again?" She smiled over at Willow expecting a response to her joke, but everyone there knew, including Faith in a big way, that what she said was in no way completely jocular.
The situation between Buffy and Faith… well, that's a hard one to put into words from the first day they met… neither had become less agitated with the other but both stood their ground (gee, how unlike both of them!) and refused to budge in either direction. Faith didn't back down from any of Buffy's glares or comments and continued through her days as though everything was, well, not fine, but tolerable between the two. Faith could certainly be termed a consummate on the subject of denial. Once again, the big house was a good preparation for living with someone who hated her guts (even tried to cut 'em out on an occasion or two). Buffy on the other hand, her anger was practically bubbling over from just everything, and Faith was a good outlet. Things between Buffy and ? well, practically everyone else had been… bad. Willow was really her only saving grace these days. When she woke up in the morning she felt like crying, and the feeling stayed with her till she went back to sleep.
She couldn't help but think it odd how on Tuesday night she seemed to have quite the preposterous dream. She had fallen asleep with anger practically overflowing from her, so badly she was surprised that she had been able to suppress it throughout the day. As her eyes closed approaching what had become her only refuge the feeling of anger converted slightly into a feeling of remembrance and pining. For the length of the night she remembered the times she had spent with Faith that had been so nice. As miserable as Faith had been able to make her life, it could only be countered by how happy she had made the other times. It made her realize that the only reason that Faith had really been able to hurt her the way she had was because of how much she had helped her previously. Where there was pain, it was only because of it's counterpart of joy and fun. As her dream had come to a closing, it was like her vision panned back and allowed her to see both herself and Faith in a flash of different sceneries with various smiles and jokes that they had shared. She swore that she had actually smiled in her sleep until the end of her dream when she saw Faith falling freely back off of the roof of the building. She jumped to consciousness with a gasp sitting up rigidly in her bed out of breath.
One thing that plagued her through and through was the feeling she got when she wanted to approach Faith, wanted to just push her down into submission ? she got this feeling inside of her that she will deny till the day she dies was fear. Why was it that all of a sudden she was unwilling to step up to Faith voluntarily because she was scared of the outcome? She had always been scared, don't be fooled, but never to the point of just, 'not going there,' because of what the outcome might be. It struck her while she lain in bed unable to grasp a wink of sleep as the thought incessantly plagued her ? Faith was created to be her match; given everything that she was. They were, in the eyes of the Council, originally supposed to be equally competitive in battle. Sure there were a billion and a half other contributing factors to a Slayer's success in battle, but through all of the hardships she had to admit Faith had been through ? she was still standing, and hell, she was standing in the same fucking house!
The situation between Xander and Faith was ? wait here comes an even better understatement than the tension one! ? Complicated. From all outside observers it was becoming obvious that Faith was really putting an effort into being tolerable for Xander ? she was! The feeling she felt when he walked out of that room when all she wanted was him lying right up against her was something she never wanted to feel if she could avoid it. It was hard to ignore the annoying fact that they seemed to be counteracting each other though ? as Faith attempted to now try and get closer and more open with Xander he seemed to just as slowly be closing off and distancing himself. It is not as obvious as it is stated, but it's not a fallacy none the less. Let's focus upon the same Tuesday for the sake of clarity as well as it being the latest day in the House…
The kitchen seemed to slowly clear out after Faith's small joke at Willow with Faith, both far from drunk and far from sober, looking around and telling everyone they needed to, 'fucking lighten up a little!'. Everyone except for Xander had left the kitchen quickly after that. She likened the atmosphere of the place to prison the day there were no cigarettes. She laughed as she recalled the day ? Xander remained seated on the chair and glanced up at her quickly. How unlike Faith to talk about her past as though it were just one funny thing after the other, always leaving out the details pertaining to the pain and agony dispersed between each punch line. The expression on Xander's face showed he wasn't interested in Faith's jokes that spoke no truth of the real experience and a complete blankness towards what that real experience was like.
She slid off the counter and walked over to him, standing behind him and draping her arms down the front of his chest. She leaned her head against his affectionately and rocked slightly back and forth with him, having to practically force him into the slight motion. She kissed his jaw gently then turned towards him questioningly at his indifference - that might even be referred to as coldness.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine," he answered dully.
With that Willow walked back by the kitchen, lacking her lover by her side, explaining the sad expression drawn across her features. As she walked by the kitchen door she stopped, and Xander couldn't help but notice the moment of adjustment she had to make seeing Faith standing up against the back of his chair with her arms loosely around him. Xander saw the look and he felt an icy chill flash through his body.
"Good night," she finally said quickly as she continued walking. Xander didn't even bother with a response but Faith threw in a quick,
"Night," to try and keep it as friendly as possible. "What's the matter with you?"
"Let's go," he answered almost angrily as he pushed her arms away from him covered by his intention of trying to get up. Faith was not one to miss body language, ignore it ? certainly, but miss, never a chance.
"What? Is this too much PDA for you? Last time I checked, we live here…" she received nothing but a blank look as he still seemed to just want to exit the room. "God, you can stop acting like you hate me ? no one's around to see you being nice to me now," she spat. "I may be outdated on this one, I'm sure you'll correct me if I'm wrong, you always seem to be ready for that job, but I didn't think it was against the rules to be nice to the person you're dating in public…"
"We're not dat-" Xander quickly cut himself off as quickly as he had piped up his correction.
"What?" she asked trying to clear the knot that had just formed in her throat.
"Nothing. Can we just go to bed?" Faith stood there without a single movement waiting for a real answer, "Fine, I'll meet you there," was all she got as Xander turned and walked out of the kitchen towards her bedroom. She stood there trying to organize her thoughts, but the best she could come up with was she was aware of the fact she would never be able to date herself, but why the hell did Xander have to start acting like she was?
She took another quick sip to finish off her beer then walked to her bedroom. Maybe all he needed was a little reminder of the advantages of dealing with her… She walked in and he was rummaging through a pile of clothes that had been thrown on top of one of the chairs in the room ? okay, domestic housewife was definitely out of her area… that wasn't the advantage she was thinking of anyway. She walked over to him and embraced his arm from the side and kissed his cheek gently.
"Not now, Faith."
"Don't worry, there's no one around, you can look at me now," she stated with a hint of anger. He groaned angrily at her comment and turned away from her and walked towards the bed. She walked after him and grabbed his shirt to keep him from walking away any further.
"What!?" he asked angrily. He turned towards her so they were now standing face to face and she fumbled with his shirt in her hands at the hem. "What, Faith, what do you want?"
"Whatever the fuck you want," she answered matching his tone. "Whatever will get you out of your permanent bad mood…" He looked down at her and brought his hands up to her waist and held it firmly. It was as close to affection as he'd come recently and she leaned closer to him craving his touch and reached her lips upward towards his. He began to lower to meet hers but then stopped and raised his head again and released her waist,
"Not right now."
"What?" she asked having to restrain the tears from meeting her eyes.
"I'm not in the mood."
"You're not in the mood to make love to me?" she asked cautiously.
"Is that what you call it now?" he asked harshly.
"You know what," she answered in a tone trying to conceal how it had just gone from bad to worse.
"I just want to go to bed," he answered grabbing her arm as she turned to walk away from him. She stopped and looked up at him far from being able to hide how upset he had been able to make her so easily.
"I miss you," she admitted stepping up to him. He nodded and they lay down together; he lay on his back and she rested her head on his chest and her arms there also trying to make it feel like he was holding her when his arms were behind his head.
Faith woke with a sudden jerk sitting up quickly trying to regain her composure quickly. What a telling motion she made as she woke ? out of fear (from visualizing one of the most painful experiences of her life at the closing of her dream) she reached quickly to her side searching for comfort from Xander but just as quickly, when she realized he wasn't there she retreated her hand back to her side, as if she didn't want anyone to know she had reached for him. She looked down, almost ashamed of herself for being so dependant on someone to make herself feel better ? but had there ever been a time in her life where she hadn't needed some sort of confirmation from someone else?
Xander, who had actually just gotten up and was only a few paces from the door of the bedroom stopped from the sudden motion, and through the dim atmosphere of the room could just see Faith. He stopped and turned back towards the bed with a questioning expression.
"Where are you going?" she asked trying to cover up the fact that she was out of breath.
"To pee," he answered bluntly.
"Oh…" she answered forcing herself to just get over the fact that he hadn't woken her up. It was just her own insecurities that wanted him to wake her up, but it was something that they had agreed upon, no matter how silly… Xander had understood. A sickening feeling started to make her stomach turn and as he once again neared the door she interrupted, "Xander, can we talk?"
"Can I pee?"
"Sorry," she answered trying to return the levity. She wasn't sure if she had pretended that he had made the comment in a jocular nature, or if it had really been so. She lowered her head back down gently on the pillow and waited for him to come back. The feelings that had started to accrue inside of her demanded attention and recognition ? she tried her hardest to ignore the insecure knots that were developing and tightening by the moment reminding herself that she was just abnormally anxious about loving someone, especially as much as she did Xander. She knew there was no going back now; no denying how she felt, but that was okay because she couldn't see any reason to anymore ? she loved him and he knew it. She glanced over at the bedside table and the neon block numbers to see what time it was ? 4:30.
Xander stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. The only light was from the dim lamp in the hallway, which left much of his reflection to the imagination. He looked at himself as he held his breath tightly within his lungs hoping for the anger inside of him to be expelled from his body with that same breath. He knew the day ? and with it came such a pain that struck his heart he felt as though it were about to crumble. Faith was both the hand that was holding it together and crushing it at the same time. Whenever he would look at her ? her eyes admitted just how much he meant to her ? now what he meant to her. How had he allowed himself to become such a figure in her life? Why had he allowed it? He couldn't be the strength in his own life, why had he offered that false strength to someone else? Too soon was she going to realize that it was all a sophistry and what a mistake she had made by clutching to him for love and strength.
The anger that filled him was for no one else but himself. He hated himself for the mistakes he had made, and oh how many there were. He had never been able to be the strength for anyone… what gave him the fucking right to lie to her and make her think he had something that he didn't? His life was full of pusillanimous lies where he promised a love he didn't even possess to another, who in the end would only find out the cowardliness of his actions. He had played this script through before and had seen the outcome ? why had he gone and done it all over again? Why had he set himself up to hurt someone so much again?
Why had he set himself up to be hurt by someone so much again? He had lost someone so dear to his heart that he thought he would never recover from. He still hadn't, was the honest truth. Probably one of the only honest truths he had recognized in quite some time. He couldn't go through a loss like that again… he just couldn't. That was something he recognized about himself, and something he felt he couldn't ignore. The date itself forced him to recognize just how deep he was and equally, just how quickly he had to dig himself back out.
He pulled his lip between his teeth as he stared at himself in the mirror ? trying to recognize the sullied reflection as his own. He raised his hand quickly to his eye and wiped the tear that had escaped it. He knew if he had another eye, he would have had to wipe a tear away from that one too. *Thank God for small favors* he thought mordantly. If there was one thing he was actually sure of though, it was the same sight in another would kill him. He couldn't handle it.
He walked back into the dark bedroom and looked down at Faith waiting patiently for him. He slid back into bed and she sat up meeting his level. She rested her head gingerly on his shoulder and watched his face contently with her eyes. She saw the tension in his face and she kissed his jawbone gently returning back to her position on his shoulder. She received absolutely no reaction ? if possible, his face might have gotten blanker.
"Can we talk?" questioned a cautious voice.
"Later," he answered finally turning to look at her. After a moment of staring into her eyes he raised his hand up to her face and pulled her into a kiss. As the kiss came to an end she pulled back and spoke again,
"I think we need to talk…"
"We'll talk later… don't worry." His tone had a certain element of dread and of pining for time to stand still but without giving her too much time to interpret his words he pulled her into another kiss. She was taken more easily than usual by his affection because of the extreme lack of it recently. His touch alone caused a shiver to go through her body; and he began rubbing his hands up and down her sides as he kissed her passionately lying her back down on her back as he hovered over her.
Panting, he looked down at her as he pulled her pants down. She propped herself up on her elbows kissing his neck unable to understand why being with him was so different from everything else she'd ever really experienced. Being with him she felt like she was the less experienced of the pair, and all of her past experiences couldn't compare to the way he made her feel. It was something she hadn't understood, or at least allowed herself to acknowledge for so long, but she knew why ? she loved him. Not just in the way most people say they are… but in a way that she couldn't see herself ever being without him. Granted, she wasn't the type of person who really ever thought of herself in any further of the future than maybe the next couple of hours, but she had actually tried to picture herself a few years down the line, and the only image she could come up with was of her with his arms around her.
She could feel him inside of her and with a slight shortening of breath she laid back down pulling him with her and quickly reaching his lips to hers. He pulled her into him lifting her back off of the bed slightly. As he filled her more than he knew either of them could handle, and he could hear her softly, and more than barely audibly, whimper his name.
His head was absolutely spinning. He didn't understand why he felt the way he did and he wished he could, but when he did understand, he just as quickly wished he didn't. He was clear on one thing, and the more he thought about it the more he wanted time to just stand still so he could continue on in this dream for just a little longer. Feeling her, in the most complete sense of the phrase, just everything about her, and not strictly in a physical way either, it made him both want to be so much closer to her that even possible, but at the same time it was a huge reminder of how much he had to not be. It was his own weakness that made him want to be both of these things. A feeling of inevitable pain and distrust settled around him as his thoughts again began to be his focus instead of the girl, a girl he cared for so much, lying underneath him.
She looked up at his face as he held himself above her practically gasping for air. She reached her hand up and pushed her hair back from her face over her head, the thin layer of sweat giving it an extra-hold. As she tucked it under her head with her hand she then brought her hand over to his cheek. It was shaking ever so slightly just from the rushes of emotion flooding through her as she lay there. His face was tilted slightly to the side as he seemed to be staring at the blank space directly next to her face. She touched his cheek gently trying to bring his eyes around to her but he seemed to be rigidly holding himself in his set position.
"Xander… look at me…" she urged, the emotions coming clearly into her tone. She could see his jaw twitching nervously as he held his focus firmly. "Fine, don't." As though she had hit a button he climbed off of her and quickly redressed himself in a pair of sweatpants and a tee-shirt. She watched him from the bed unsure of whether there was anything else she could possibly do. She couldn't help but begin to laugh at herself as well ? how many times had she jumped out of bed with a guy who she had just as quickly jumped into bed with and reveled in the insecure, lost expression on their face ? one that was probably very similar if not identical to the one she was presently wearing.
The laughing quickly ceased as she watched him hastily exit the room. An absolutely undeniable crushing feeling, for lack of a better word consumed. her. The pain that was constantly within her that had been for quite some time pacified by her feelings and affections for Xander seemed to have just been reignited by a newly struck match ? the imagery was so vivid in her mind that she could've sworn she smelled the burning match. If the searing pain of a fire burning away at your insides wasn't enough ? the new batch of pain caused directly from Xander made fresh breath seem as though it would never pass through her throat again. She had constantly been suppressing the anger that had risen inside of her during his recent antics of being… well, the way he was being; now she saw as a good time to start allowing the caustic feeling to finally start venting.
She threw on a tank top and a pair of sweats and went after him down the hall. She walked quickly through her short hall and up the small staircase and onto the main hall before stopping at the living room seeing him sitting on the couch with his head held sympathetically in his hands. Kennedy watched from the stairs as Faith's expression seemed to melt and with a deep breath she entered the living room. Not for lack of respect, but for untamable curiosity pertaining to the relationship between Xander and Faith she walked to the small room across from the living room where she could clearly see what was going on. She saw so many idiosyncrasies in both Faith and Xander ? and in Faith she saw someone who starved for affection as well as shunned it and the way she saw how happy Xander could make her, it was something she wanted so badly to understand as well as just get the enjoyment of seeing.
Willow had always been one for getting up early and the habit had eventually carried over to Kennedy. Although she had spent the night on the couch in Giles' office she had walked upstairs to get dressed once it was about quarter to six, knowing Willow would be awake. She was, as expected, but they had passed little conversation as she grabbed some clothes and changing. Kennedy, had, as was characteristic of her, she glanced over at Willow sitting up in bed with a book in her lap and couldn't help but notice the saddened expression she carried. It wasn't the same sort of look that she would've expected from Willow being angry at her or upset with her so she decided it was safe to question it.
"Why so happy?" she asked sarcastically.
"Just the date, that's all…"
"Did I miss something?"
"No," Willow answered almost assuring her, "it's just Anya's birthday… I bet Xander won't even notice as long as he's got-" she cut herself off knowing she wanted Kennedy to stop being mad at her some time in this century. Kennedy shrugged off the little trivia for the day knowing if she thought over it for too long she would bring back way too many memories of all of the people that were lost in the battle, and then that would make a surefire guarantee of her day officially sucking. She didn't even glance back over at Willow ? sure she wasn't going to let the fact hurt her, but the fact that Willow couldn't even hold her tongue about Faith while they were in the middle of a fight over the same thing, that didn't go un-noticed at all! She made her way back down the stairs when she caught sight of Faith by the living room.
Faith walked into the room ? much calmer than she had originally set out to be. The floor creaked slightly underneath her soft steps but Xander acted as though a silence surrounded him that couldn't be broken even by the nerve shattering sounds of the Hellmouth collapsing. She carefully sat next to him on the couch with one leg folded underneath her as she touched his shoulder with her hand,
"Xander, look at me…" Her words were pleading with him as he stared blankly down at the floor with an air about him that made him seem rigidly set there. Bringing her hand up to his face cradling it but not forcing it towards her, she held it as she kissed the side of his face gently.
"No," he muttered.
"No what?"
"Faith…" he began without raising his focus to look at her, "I… I ummm…" he started off stumbling for the right words and after a moment of unsureness he gathered his thoughts, or it could be argued his internal anger, which he had possessed throughout his childhood and amassed since. "You of all people should understand that everyone has different ways of dealing with something that's… well, really unable to be dealt with… and you of all people should understand that when you need to deal with something like that, the only way you really can deal with it is… by not dealing with it."
He hadn't raised his eyes until that last piece, and then he looked right into her eyes, but only for the duration it took for him to state those few words. He then entertained his eyes around the perimeter of the room slowly glancing from one wall to the other as though they were somehow different today. Faith didn't answer, being too occupied with pacifying the screaming inside of her telling her everything it had since the first time she admitted to loving him ? love isn't an emotion, it's a game. She wasn't even sure if she could say something if she wanted to feeling the sweltering feeling of suffocation overcoming her as she sat there still right beside him feeling that if she moved it would be the last time they were so close to each other.
"There's someone I love," he started again, seeming to have kept talking in his head and randomly begun sharing his thoughts aloud again. "And I will always love her. I tried to think the feeling would go away, but it hasn't and the truth is, it won't. The pain from losing her won't go away either… The agony I felt when I lost her is something I can only hope you can pretend to understand."
"Xander, what are you getting at?" she asked cutting him off. Her tone was tight and forced as she tried to maintain… well, it's hard to say. A false façade, or the reputation she had obtained over the years ? if she was going to lose him, all she thought she had left in this world, the only piece of anything she had left, pathetically she thought, was some false, misunderstood reputation, and she wasn't about to let that she disappear too. It was as close to her as she every knew ? if everyone else thought they had a hard time keeping up with her and who she was, they didn't even want to try figuring it out from her end.
"Being with you was something I did to pretend I hadn't lost her." He glanced over to her face again and quickly looked away not being able to look at her face, one that he knew could be so full of hate and distrust, something he was only going to compound in the next few minutes. He hated himself more than she ever could. "And because that was fake… so was everything else between us." He paused looking for her reaction but got nothing and urged, "you have to admit this wasn't some dream come true for you, God, Faith, you just got out of prison and were thrown into this huge battle, and-"
"You're wrong," she snapped quickly. "You're so wrong."
"You fucking jumped into bed with Wood as soon as he laid eyes on you! That's how you deal with things, Faith, and this, it's just another way for you to deal… that's all it is!"
"No… I never lied to you! You're fucking wrong!"
"Faith, I don't know how else you need me to say this ? I didn't know why I did it, but I figured it out ? I was in denial about-"
"I don't care," she cut him off her voice absolutely shaking. She reached her hand to his face again and pulled it to look at her, "I love you… and you love me-"
"No, I don't." A pain shot through him as he said it and in the wounded path rapidly grew a vine of self-loathing.
"You said you wouldn't do this to me," she said shaking her head and standing from the couch.
"Faith," he said looking up at her now, "I'm sor-"
"You promised you wouldn't hurt me… you said you'd never leave me…"
"I know I'm fucked up, Faith-"
"Why did I fucking believe you?" she asked in a tone of pure questioning. It was obvious that the blame in her voice had shifted directly at herself as she asked, "why did I let you?"
"Faith…" he said standing up. She turned and headed for the door seeming like she was in a complete daze and he grabbed at her arm making her stop. Her pull in defense was weak and unbalanced making the holes in his stomach tear wider. To the untrained eye she looked as blank as a sheet of paper, and almost as pale, but he could see the strain in her eyes trying not to expel their telling liquid and her jaw was practically twitching from being held so tightly. "I didn't expect you to act this way." He stated trying to get her to look at him now, "I know I didn't expect you to cry… but I didn't expect you to not say anything either…"
"Did you expect me to beg you not to leave me?" she asked tears evident in her tone as she looked at him pleadingly. "I need you so much… you don't even know how much you do for me," she added with tears now streaming freely down her cheeks. "I need you…" she said stepping close to him and holding his shirt close to her needing him as close as she could get him. "Baby, please don't leave me," she begged pulling at his shirt.
"Faith… please stop," he answered, it obvious in his tone that he was effected by her crying.
"I can't handle it without you… I just can't. Baby, don't leave… I'll do anything, I need you… you don't know how much it hurts… I can't do it without you, baby, please don't leave me…" she began to babble through her tears.
"Faith, that's enough," he said backing out of her embrace, "I can't lie to myself anymore, and I definitely can't lie to you anymore."
"Wait," she said grabbing for him again, she glanced down at herself than back up at him and added, "you can do anything to me… just think what you could do… you know you want-" she said offering the only possible thing she had, herself.
"Faith, knock it off," he said angrily turning away from her.
"Anything… just don't leave me," she pleaded.
"Stop!" he yelled over to her.
"You swore you'd never hurt me like this," she stated stifling her tears and allowing the ever present anger inside of her to quench the agony.
"I can't lose someone again, Faith. I couldn't bear to lose someone that I loved as much as Anya again, so…"
"Lemme tell you something, Xander, living like that sucks, I just happen to be an expert on it. You don't even know what being lonely feels like! I know what being alone is ?" As her voice cracked painfully she stopped not wanting to even bother finishing whatever it was that she was going to say. She turned towards the door again walking away from him,
"Faith, are you okay?" She stopped in her tracks and without turning to look at him answered,
"You of all people should know that."
Kennedy stood there, in the doorway to the room across the hall in a state that could be referred to as nothing other than being frozen. She stood there absolutely dumbfounded and confused between whether she wanted to disappear and pretend she hadn't seen a thing, or change forward and scream as loud as she could at Xander. Willow wasn't by far her first relationship, but never before had she even seen a breakup like this one ? it was so cold and heartfelt at the same time that it was painful even to watch ? she didn't think anyone could handle it well, but then she had to think of all the things Faith had already been through. She couldn't figure out whether all those things would make her shrug it off and say it wasn't as bad as some of the other stuff, or whether it would just add on to the already unbearably long list of pains and finally break her. The rigidity and outward coldness would lend itself towards the first, but Kennedy could overlook all the signs that were so blatant to her of the painful screams she could see.
Seeing Faith heading quickly for the door she walked forward knowing she at least wanted to offer some comfort ? she wasn't quite sure what the best way to do that would be, but her thought process was quickly cut off as she stopped short to keep from bumping into Buffy who was walking right down the hall towards Faith's room.
"Hey," Buffy greeted surprised as she too stopped short. She quickly changed her focus towards the doorway to the living room seeing Faith walking through and wanting to walk where she was standing. "Gonna move me?" she asked almost playfully as she sidestepped quickly to stay in Faith's path.
"B, please not now," Faith asked pleadingly glancing quickly up at her. Hearing the tone in her voice immediately snapped Buffy back to a strange emotion she hadn't felt in years. She felt this closeness and companionship with her fellow slayer and friend who she loved and the pain was gone. She glanced into the living room and saw Xander pacing back and forth with his hand pressed up against his forehead as he walked. The feeling came and went within a single breath but the vividness of the emotion was enough to make the effect remain. She looked back down the hall and saw Faith jogging down the small five stair, staircase into her wing. She quickly looked back into the living room and saw Xander still pacing, and then looked over at Kennedy,
"I can't believe he just did that," was all Kennedy could offer of the situation. She was in a state of complete shock unsure of what she could do. She felt tears in her eyes and at first she couldn't place why she was so close to crying, but then it hit her ? she knew somehow that what had just happened was going to change everything; she knew that as close as her and Faith had gotten (which she knew was still continental distances apart), she knew it was all about to be changed, and that Faith was just going to change.
"What happened?" Buffy finally inquired. After thinking over what to say for a few moments, she shook her head and answered,
"He broke her heart."
"Xander wouldn't…" Buffy faded off mid-way through her statement losing her sureness as she said it. She still looked to Kennedy for an answer and she answered,
"I've never seen her cry like that before…"
"She was crying?" Buffy asked taken aback by that, it causing her too much to realize the pain within Faith ? it was always easier to just picture Faith as she wanted to be seen, a bad ass without any feelings for anything or anyone, and someone who just didn't care. Having to hear that she was that upset made her have to think of how often she had been that upset… at the hands of her.
"She was fucking begging him," she answered coming closer to tears herself, "and she talked about herself like she wasn't worth anything… why does she talk like that?" she asked looking to Buffy for some answer that would just magically explain everything about Faith.
"I don't know…"
"You think you're right about everything and that everyone should just follow you! You don't even know someone who was your friend and who you've known for so long!"
"Fine, all I can give you is my thoughts-"
"That's all you ever offer ? nothing you say is based on fact, it's all just your opinion anyway…" Kennedy said cutting her off. Buffy continued without reaction,
"She's absolutely full of rage… and it's not at anyone but herself. But I'm not going to try and explain her, because she's someone I'll never figure out…"
"Because you never tried to," Kennedy answered sharply only giving Xander a cold stare which he met with his eyes, before walking away.
It was getting late, and while normal people were getting groggy and ready to settle down to sleep for a solid eight to ten hours, Kennedy started to get anxious and excited. She needed to Slay, the feeling was unbearably agitating as she started to just get jumpy over absolutely nothing! The floor would creak under someone's foot or the door would creak upstairs and she would flip her head around needing to check her surroundings. It wasn't fear or apprehension, it was just edginess that was hard to ignore. She noticed that Faith and Buffy dealt with it too; both of them were much more subtle about it, but if you (as she had often) watched them closely as night approached and drew onward, they too started glance around them and reacting to things that only the three of them would even pick up on happening in the house. She could've even accepted that Faith was just like that ? always looking over her shoulder and being aware of everything around her, but the trait was apparent, if not more so, in Buffy. The feeling was much worse tonight than usual, and she didn't really understand why that was… maybe she was just stressed out on top of it. She missed Willow and the time they would usually spend together, not to mention that she had been stressing all day over what happened between Faith and Xander.
She walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, which occupied Giles, Xander, and Willow. They were all seated at the table talking, most definitely about the mornings drama, and it was something she didn't want to listen to right now. The look on Willow's face made it clear she wasn't going to be able to pull her away for some talk time between the two of them. She was listening carefully to everything Xander was telling her, even though, from what Kennedy could hear from her eavesdropping as she poured herself a soda, Xander wasn't saying much. He would only say a little something after a strong urge from the other two asking something really specific that could be answered with a yes or a no, and most commonly, a shrug. She was about to leave when she heard Giles finally ask in a stern and confused tone,
"Why in heavens name would you do this? What was this sudden- " "It's Anya's fucking birthday!" he answered angrily cutting Giles off. Giles looked down at his wrist watch and answered back, matching the young mans tone,
"In a few bloody hours it won't be, and you won't have that girl either! A little short sighted, don't you think? Wait, you probably didn't' think-"
"You have no idea how many hours I spent running over this in my head! You act like this was easy for me, you think I'm not upset too? I fucking lov… I care about her, okay, and doing this wasn't easy, but I needed to do it…"
"Giles, I can understand where he's coming from…" Willow added, "like me, he's lost someone who he cares about so much, and that feeling isn't going to go away, and being with someone like Faith, she's a Slayer, he's at a much higher risk of losing her… he can't go through that again…"
Giles removed his glasses and wiped them with a napkin before placing them back upon his face carefully and looking through them to make sure they were sufficiently clear.
"In all of my years of studies, and believe me, it's quite a large number of years… I never thought I would ever hear picking a lover, a partner, a wife… whatever you may wish to call it, I never thought it would ever be set up in such a factual, statistic way…" Giles tone made it clear that he was inwardly laughing at both of them, "love is something that sweeps you up and makes more sense than any logic that can ever be explained. Xander, when I saw you and Faith together, I was certain you understood that… hmm, wrong yet again, Rupert," he commented more to himself than anyone else, but not at any lower of a volume. "I was unaware that certain people were labeled with different risk factors… if I had been aware, perhaps I would've chosen my lovers differently… As for your solidarity with Xander's decision," he commented now directly at Willow, "may I just mention, that with your labeling Slayer's as a high risk relationship in the department of loss, and you too have suffered a loss as you claim just like Xander's, need I remind you that you seem to also be in quite the serious relationship with one?" With his final closing he glanced over at Kennedy and gave a soft smile in her direction before shrugging at the entire situation and shaking his head sadly. With a final glance at the two he had left dumbfounded at the table he exited towards his office. He walked slowly down the hallway over to his office shaking his head softly the entire way. A pain welled up in his chest, knowing he could hardly image the agony Faith must've been in; to think how she was going to react to this new addition of pain into her already largely amassed collection of inward pains made him worried. He didn't necessarily go along with Buffy's theory that she was going to freak out and 'go bad' again, but he did fear that her self destructive tendencies were going to be seriously kicking in at any time. He wasn't worried so much for anyone else in the house, because he was sure of Faith, and the way she had shifted her anger over all this time, and it made him much more worried about her ? if she was going to be angry, it was going to be at herself. If it were going to be at anyone else it would've been at Xander, and if she hadn't been in control of herself, she would've lashed out immediately when he had broken it off with her.
He had been worried about that possibility and had let Xander know how he felt about that.
( "You're a stupid boy… considering you've already had an experience where you've confronted her with something she didn't want to hear and you were almost killed, you decide to tell her something just as bad, not knowing whether another soul in the house is awake?"
"Sorry if I didn't pencil it in!"
"It's very sad that you think of a relationship, one which I would think would be one of the most spontaneous relationships ever considering the company, as something that you need to plan out. I guess it's equally as sad that I would even think she would hurt you… but you're right, she wouldn't ? she was absolutely genuine in the way she loved you." ) With that he had exited the room which they had talked and only just met up with him again in the kitchen. He had busied himself much of the day with Wendy and her studies, trying to keep himself occupied.
He felt a strange thing at his reaction ? it made him realize, that even though she was his for a very short time, she was his Slayer just as Buffy had been, and with that came a connection, an almost fatherly connection, that no matter how much was placed between them, whether it be time or battles or prison or anything, it was always there. And knowing that something happened to her, it truly upset him from deep within his soul. He could also see the anger inside of Xander, feeling for some reason obligated to make such a rash decision which he didn't want to, but felt that he had to. There was so much anger behind his cavalier attitude that it made it hard for him to make a solid decision on whether to rip the boy's head off or try and talk it through with him.
After Giles left the kitchen Kennedy did also but heading in the opposite direction. As she walked down the hallway she jumped slightly at the sound of Giles' office door closing at the other end of the house. She needed to talk to Faith about this jumpiness… it would give them something to talk about, and something for Faith to laugh at her about instead of thinking about Xander. She knocked at the door and heard Faith call from within the room,
"Come on in, Kennedy." She smiled to herself as she walked in wondering how she knew it was her.
"Hey," she greeted, trying to act as happy as Faith was pretending to be. Faith gave her a smile as she walked in then walked across the room to her pack of cigarettes and pulled one out of lit it. She placed the box down but then picked it right back up and held it out to Kennedy,
"You want?" she asked as she exhaled.
"No…" Kennedy answered a little confused. She glanced over at the floor by where Faith was standing and it all began to make perfect sense. "Having a little to drink?" she asked looking over at the floor covered almost completely in bottles of various forms of alcohol.
"Just a little," Faith answered with a small shrug.
"I was being facetious," Kennedy muttered rolling her eyes at the way Faith was acting.
"No, there's nothing on your face," she answered.
"You're plastered," Kennedy remarked walking closer to her and saying her words clearly.
"The walls don't need to be plastered…"
"You're fucking drunk!" she said again being very articulate.
"Oh, yeah…" Faith said with a shrug and an attitude of a typical, 'and, your point?'. She grabbed the remote control to the sound system and tossed herself up onto the bed landing on her back and bouncing up once because of the force of her jump. She pressed a button and the loud music filled the entire room. Kennedy walked over to the other side of the bed where all the bottles were just to get a better count, "what?" Faith asked quickly seeing her counting.
"Nothin'," she answered quickly picking her eyes up off of the ground, "is it just me or do you really feel like Slaying tonight?" She immediately regretted suggesting they do anything while Faith was in this state, but she needed something…
"Mostly I just feel like puking, but that's just me…" Faith admitted sitting up on the bed.
"Right… umm, did you eat anything?" She received a shrug as an answer and she groaned inwardly seeing at least a dozen bottles of booze on the floor. A normal person would probably be in a coma, but here was Faith bouncing up and down on the bed… a real good thing she had the constitution she did… or at least she pretended she did. "You should probably eat something… it'll help you sober up."
"Why the fuck would I want to do that?" she asked as she stood up and walked over to the window to toss her cigarette out of. The look in her eyes made it perfectly clear to Kennedy that no matter how drunk she may be, she was still completely aware of why she was trying to not be aware.
"It's not really my place, but… Faith, this isn't the way to deal with this."
"There's nothing to deal with," she claimed with a laugh as she walked by Kennedy headed back for the bed. Kennedy reached for her arm and kept her from walking,
"Don't talk like that!" Her tone proved how much she knew about Faith, and how dangerous it was for Faith to start thinking that way.
"Fuck off," Faith answered pulling her arm away from Kennedy's grip. Her grip was strong and as Faith pulled against it, she didn't expect it to match her own and she was thrown off of her already shifty balance. As she tried to step away, expecting to already have a freed arm, her step caught and she fell to the floor in a sitting position.
"I'm sorry," Kennedy quickly apologized seeing how quickly her expression changed from a happy and cheery, fake expression to a *very* upset look that was trying to be hidden beneath the surface. "It's okay," Kennedy quickly soothed holding her arm down to help Faith up.
"There's nothing about this that is fucking close to being okay," she answered angrily pushing away the aiding hand and trying to push herself up in a very unbalanced and drunk way. "I'm fucking wasted and he still won't get out of my fucking head," she muttered as she sank back down to the ground knowing she wasn't going to be able to get up without the help she would die before using.
"Faith, come on," Kennedy comforted offering her hand again.
"Just go away," she answered coldly looking down at the ground pensively. She hurt all over and she couldn't think of anything that could possibly make it stop. The added joy of the room beginning to spin around her was one she could've easily done without, but way too many drinks too late to be getting picky about the effects of the intoxication. There were a bunch of different 'drunks', as she thought of it ? there was the drunk where you feel like you're on top of the fucking world and nothing can touch you, yeah, this definitely wasn't one of those. The 'drunk' she had was definitely… shitty. She felt dizzy and nauseous and the only thing the alcohol was doing for her was making her think it was okay to cry. It wasn't! She told herself she wouldn't fucking cry over him ? if he never loved her, then he never would and she just had to get the fuck over it.
As Kennedy walked down the hallway she saw Xander walking into the living room. She could hear the television talking to everyone, so she knew there were probably a bunch of people in there. She turned in after Xander and took a seat on the couch next to Andrew. She looked at what they were watching and after a few minutes she could tell it was another one of her favorites, City By The Sea. The tension in the room was obvious, with Andrew, Robin, Xander and her sitting in there. She caught a few of the quick glances Wood was tossing over at Xander, and let me tell you, they weren't friendly. Xander sat rigidly in the chair not naïve to the situation and finally spoke up,
"Am I sensing a little tension in here?"
"Yes, you are," Wood answered confidently, "but if I leave… most of the tension will too." He stood looking down at Xander sitting there and walked out, anger apparent in his posture and demeanor.
The Next Day
After talking over the situation with Giles in a conversation that had begun on the, well it's unsure of whether to call it a fortunate or unfortunate topic, that there had been some vampire sightings throughout the town, Buffy headed towards Faith's bedroom. They had talked for quite a while on the subject, Giles being quite troubled by the situation. This was evident by whenever she attempted to add half of a joke, she was immediately scolded and placed back onto the real conversation on hand.
She walked down the five stairs and down the dim hallway before stopping and knocking on the bedroom door. She didn't get any answer so after a few minutes she slid open the door and walked in. She looked over and saw Faith lying down on the bed curled up to a pillow staring at the shadows cast upon the wall by the flickers of light caused by the outside world.
"It's a good thing you took a nap," Buffy said walking over to the bed and sitting down by Faith's feet, "we've got a lot of work to do tonight…" Faith barely breathed a response and continued to only be entertained by the shadows. "Come on, the three of us are going to patrol," she urged, without trying to sound like she was urging. She didn't see any movement and she added as she motioned to stand, "If your not up to it, that's fine."
"I'm up," she muttered, the words painfully familiar.
"Faith, you've been through a lot, it's okay if-"
"Whatever, it's fine," she answered sitting up and quickly pushing herself off of the bed and standing. Buffy was proud of her convincing tactics to get Faith out of her room, or at least just out of bed, but the proud feeling was quickly overruled by the pain she felt by seeing Faith's bloodshot eyes and strained features. She looked so tired and emotionally wiped out if she didn't know better she would've thought she was just recovering from a week long party of drinkin' and drugin'. Looking at her reminded her of the night in the motel when she realized what a bad sleeper she actually was, and how when her and Xander had been together, it had seemed to get better… now it looked like it was right back to where it was, if not further back.
She watched Faith walk over to a pile of clothes on a chair at the other end of the room, one that was apparently not completely all her own clothes. She watched as Faith rummaged through them and had to act as though the ones that belonged to Xander weren't even really there. She tossed them to the floor just as she did with all of the others, but if watched closely her eyes followed those particular garments all the way to the ground and lingered slightly on them before returning back to the pile. She finally picked out an outfit and piled them on her bed,
"Kind of nice for patrol, don't you think?"
"Won't take all night," she answered.
"Right," Buffy answered with a nod. Why the hell couldn't she be close enough with Faith to just be able to talk to her straight? The thought made her realize ? Xander was close enough to talk with her straight… she had been close enough with her at one point… how many other people had gotten to be that close and circumstance crushed it? She was sure the number of people Faith had ever been close with in her life could be counted on one hand and that was being generous… as of right now, she could probably count it on a single finger… She found herself quickly moving her eyes and staring out of the window as Faith started to change without any heads up.
"So… umm… how are you doing?" Buffy asked feeling awkward enough being in the room, but way more awkward having her changing. Faith couldn't help but laugh at her for it and commented,
"And Spike said you had loosened up a lot more than a bit, but I think I might have to call the dick a liar." With that Buffy looked back over at a now fully clothed Faith ? she was wearing a tight pair of black, leather pants and a red, halter top. She ran her fingers thoughtlessly through her hair and turned back to Buffy as she grabbed a leather jacket off of the chair. "Ready?" The look on Buffy's face was too easy to mock and it goes without say that Faith had to seize the opportunity, "what, is it Spike's birthday today or something… you all stuffy about him too?" Faith had since been informed that the day Xander decided she was too risky and meaningless to be with was in fact Anya's birthday, how ever many hundred years ago that exactly was. Being dumped for a demon she could almost accept… but a dead demon, she wasn't sure she could handle that thought. With an inward shrug she pushed any relating thought to the back of her head just adding it as another thing on her long list of, 'you'll never believe I actually…' list. It was pretty long…
Xander watched from the kitchen as the three Slayers walked down the hallway and out onto the world where they were going to perform their callings… it was strange to think, after so long of there really just being one chosen one, that there were so many more, and three right there. He figured the way Faith was dressed was some cruel form of punishment for him ? she looked like a sultry goddess. He ran his fingers nervously through his hair as he watched them all leave, not overlooking the door Faith slammed on her way out. It made him nervous any time Buffy would go out to slay, there was just so much that could happen. He worried about all of them, especially Faith. He had a scary feeling inside of him ? he knew Faith was never one to be too careful when she was slaying, it was a game, a release, a fight between life and death that she toyed with to amuse herself. He could see her being even more careless in the state she was in. But that was why he had to do what he did ? losing her was something he just wouldn't have been able to handle; just because they weren't 'together' anymore, didn't mean the worrying automatically disappeared. He cared about her a lot and there wasn't much he could see happening that would change that.
The way she had walked by him and hadn't even raised an eyebrow in his direction was classic Faith. He figured the way she was going to deal with this whole thing was to just ignore him, pretend like it was nothing. He couldn't help but remember the first time they had been together, his first time, and the mention of her name made his eye twitch furiously, but she only acknowledged his existence when she thought it worth her time. Although the memory validated his point about the way she acted, it also brought feelings that he didn't want to be dealing with right now. She had been his first, and with that came a sort of eternal place inside of him… even if it hadn't exactly been a storybook experience. He actually shook his head from side to side trying to clear the thoughts that were invading it.
He had made his decision and it hadn't been easy, but it was what had to be done. He could admit he still cared about her, hell, as long as it was only for him to know, he still loved her, but they couldn't be together ? he couldn't handle it. He rested his head on his hand as he began to think about Anya, and his heart felt as though it were going to break. But nothing would ever beat, or at least he hoped he would never experience anything worse than having to hear Faith literally beg him not to leave her. Listening to that made his lungs deflate and feel like they'd never accept air inside of them again.
He caught himself drifting off into thinking about Faith again and redirected his attention back to Anya. The only thing he had done to deal with Anya's death was to jump into the sack with Faith… was that all it was? He knew he helped Faith deal with her problems, but Faith was him dealing. The thought made him angry at himself for thinking he could use her like that ? he understood why she would be angry and not want to even look at him. He didn't want to look at him.
As the three Slayer's walked down the dark sidewalk all had separate thoughts pertaining to the night. Buffy was glad she could get Faith out of the house and doing something she knew Faith probably took a little bit too much enjoyment in doing… it would help her blow off some steam. She couldn't help but feel a little awkward though ? whenever she had gone on patrol she had always been the leader without any question or thought about it. And she would've continued with the same assumption except the posture and body language of not only Faith, but Kennedy also, made her question it. All three of them were Slayers… she used to go patrolling with Faith way back in the day but it was always kind of understood that she was in charge because Faith was new to the gig. It occurred to her then that Faith hadn't exactly been happy about that whole assumption either. And Kennedy, who seemed to be following much more in Faith's footsteps than her own would probably question what made Buffy in charge anyway. All of the answers she had for that question… the lists of battles and apocalypses… none of it really seemed to matter anymore.
Kennedy felt more comfortable than she thought she would ? keeping pace with the other two took effort, but she followed their leads. Both of them had such different styles of scanning their surroundings, it was interesting to watch. She watched Buffy who walked quietly watching where she was going but having a very open perspective as to pull in all of her surroundings without looking like she was doing anything but looking down at the sidewalk. Faith on the other hand walked with a clear certainty and looked around at everything. When they'd pass people Buffy would get a quick glance and then proceed while looking down at the ground, where as Faith would stare them straight in the eye for a few paces and look them over.
Faith felt like she was doing all of the things she would normally do ? she didn't have a set routine or anything, it just flowed… when things went down she just dealt with it, she never thought about it before hand. Her breath tightened at the thought as she drew a classic parallel in her life ? slaying had always been like layin' for her. She scolded herself for doing the same thing with Xander ? she would've been able to avoid all of this if she had just thought it through before she got so involved. Everything seemed like it should feel okay, but it didn't. Everything seemed kind of blurry and far away ? she could hear everything just fine, but it somehow seemed like it was coming from a mile off.
"We should hit the heart of town and then work our way out from there," Buffy finally announced trying to establish herself as the leader.
"Good plan," Faith answered with a little more than a hint of sarcasm as she stepped past Buffy as a clear sign that she didn't have a problem slaying with her, but she wasn't about to be bossed around.
They all walked further into town and it was busy, but not too noisy. Most of the crowds were inside of restaurants or bars, not hanging out on the corners or sidewalks. They walked by one of the parking lots for a restaurant and there was a couple walking towards their car. Both were obviously intoxicated by the way they swayed from side to side as they walked and the woman had an almost continuous giggle. They were talking to each other as they walked and all three Slayers watched the scene carefully. Buffy and Kennedy motioned to keep moving, but Faith stopped and completely ignored them and found a shadowed area to just watch from. Kennedy and Buffy were forced to stop and wait and they stood by Faith.
"Faith, let's go," Kennedy said softly as she pulled on her jacket sleeve. She could see Buffy getting less and less patient with the whole situation, and the last thing she wanted to have to stand between was the two Slayers going at it again. Buffy had been really good about the whole Xander thing and had really backed off of Faith since it happened, but it was obvious she was ready to be set off again and start right back up on the challenges.
"Shut up." The comment was short and abrupt and it practically jolted Kennedy back to silence. Faith watched the couple closely and Buffy couldn't help but think Faith was just dealing with her breakup. She grabbed at her arm to tug her on but Faith quickly and angrily pulled it out of her grip and it was then when she heard her cue from the couple.
The man had been walking just next to the woman and as they neared the car he lowered his hand to her butt and gave her a teasing squeeze. The woman quickly removed his hand and shook her head while still giggling. He put his hand back on her lower back-
"Hey!" Faith yelled as she walked out from the shadows and into the parking lot.
"Faith, what the hell are you doing!?" Buffy asked trying to grab her and pull her back.
"Who the hell are you?" the man asked angrily.
"I think she's trying to tell you no."
"God, slaying is hard enough, why does Faith have to be a socially sound patrol too…" Buffy groaned to Kennedy.
"Strip clubs down the street honey, you're a block too far north," the man answered rudely as Faith approached.
"You would know, wouldn't you…"
"Excuse me, do you have any idea who I am?"
"No, but I could make a few guesses," she answered sharply still walking steadily towards them. Sirens started to go off in Buffy's head and she finally walked out into the lot,
"Let's go," she said towards Faith. "This is none of your business and we've been down this road before… *he's* not really our area," she hinted pointedly trying to get across the whole human bit. As she jogged towards Faith, Faith looked up at the roof of the restaurant and answered,
"No, but they are." As she said it four vamps jumped down from the roof and surrounded the four of them in the lot. Kennedy wanted some action but she wasn't about to jump in first ? she didn't want to mess everything up. Each slayer took on two vamps and Kennedy rushed forward to help. Buffy dusted the first, then Faith knocked one to the ground by Kennedy's feet and she dusted it. The third vamp knocked Kennedy to the ground, but Buffy had her back and was right on it sending sharp punches on the vamp. Buffy dusted the third one just in time to look over and see Faith not dusting the last vamp but holding her hands up and stepping to the side as the vamp approached the man,
"Go ahead, have fun with him," she added ready to walk away. She wasn't about to break a sweat helping that creep.
"Faith!" Buffy yelled as the vamp was getting closer and closer to the man. She turned to Buffy and gave a histrionic shrug.
"Faith!" Kennedy screamed in warning as she saw another vamp with a wooden crate approaching Faith from behind. She barely had time to crinkle her eyebrows in a response before she felt the crate smash her in the back of the head. She fell forward with a groan and heard Kennedy and Buffy's running footsteps, so she didn't even bother to get up and stake the motherfucker. They'd handle it and she'd just stay right down there trying to make her head stop spinning.
As the two girls dusted the last vamps the couple jumped into their car and sped away, ready to deny anything that had happened that night, and think of it as a bad hallucination from impure alcohol.
"Faith, are you okay?" Kennedy asked rushing over to her. Faith had rolled onto her back and sat up. Buffy pushed Kennedy out of the way and yelled angrily,
"What the hell is your problem?"
"Back off," Faith muttered as she stood up.
"In case you've once again forgotten, as Slayers we kill vampires we don't feed people to them!"
"Don't forget the occasional advantage of fucking 'em every now and again," Faith spat angrily.
"Hey!" Kennedy scolded at both of them, "knock it off, would you?"
"Them's fightin' words, Faith…" Buffy mocked.
"I can't deal with you right now, B," Faith said motioning to walk away.
"You think I deal with you out of choice?" Faith kept walking trying to ignore Buffy's angry words,
"Where are you going?" Kennedy called out with concern.
"To go cool off," she answered without stopping.
"Probably more like going to get heated up," Buffy muttered angrily.
"You're going to let her go like that?" Buffy gave the same histrionic shrug Faith had and headed back towards home. Kennedy followed her knowing she'd probably cause more trouble for Faith than good.
Dawn and Xander were sitting quietly in the front room, a smallish room of a very rectangular shape, it was longer than it was wide by quite a few feet so it was almost more like a big wide hallway. There were a few chairs in there and some books that Giles had scattered there. Dawn tirelessly flipped through them looking for anything she could feed her brain with. Xander let out his fourth sigh in the last thirty seconds and Dawn finally looked up at him. He looked miserable.
"You okay?" she asked with concern.
"I don't know."
"You know you can always talk to me, right? I mean I know there's a lot of things you think I won't understand, but… hey, having Buffy, Ms. Romantic Wreck, as a big sister, I'll understand more than you might think."
"Thanks, Dawnie," he answered with a chuckle.
"It's just hard, you know, when there's something you have to do that you know you have to, but you wish you didn't. And you know it's the right thing to do, but it never feels right… ever." Dawn mustered up the courage to ask him why he had done what he'd done,
"Xander, why did you-" but before she could finish the question Buffy angrily stormed through the garage door.
"Is everything alright?" Xander asked.
"I swear, her only purpose on this Earth is to make me miserable," Buffy stated angrily walking down the hall and into the kitchen. Xander stayed in the front room, hoping he was too obvious in how much he just wanted to see Faith. Kennedy followed a little ways after Buffy, and he assumed Faith would also. Kennedy slumped down in a chair next to Dawn,
"They're worse than little children," she groaned.
"Where's Faith?" Xander asked, not really caring how bad it looked for him to be asking.
"She didn't come back with us…" Kennedy answered; she immediately felt guilty and worried as the words passed through her lips.
"Where did she go?" he asked nervously.
"Why do you care?"
"Kennedy, come on… you don't understand, she'll get herself into trouble and…"
"And why do you care?" she answered back. She was the only other person to see how much Xander had actually hurt her and she wasn't about to let him just pretend that was okay.
"Please, I just need to make sure she's okay… I don't want to see her get hurt again and it be my fault."
"She said she was just going to go cool off…"
"Where!?" he asked trying to mask his panic. With a slight shrug as a response Xander grabbed his jacket off of one of the coat racks by the door and practically ran out of the door.
"Instead of trying to get everyone's last names on the mail box, we should just put, 'The House of the Confusing'!" Kennedy groaned as she sunk deeper into the chair.
A few years back Alexander Harris would've stuck out like a sore thumb in the bar he walked into ? but from his experiences since then and his style alterations he didn't look too bad. In fact, he looked pretty damn good walking in there strutting his stuff and clicking his heals on the floor confidently. He walked straight up to the bartender after taking a quickly glance around and seeing that there were just a few guys sitting around a table with a few pitchers of beer.
"Excuse me," he began getting the bartender's attention. He was ignored so he took it up a notch, "Hey!" The bartender turned around slowly and looked over at Xander, scanning him up and down to know whether to talk big or call over the bouncer.
"What can I do for you?"
"I'm looking for a girl… she's this tall," he said lifting his hand up to her exact height ? something he had memorized crisply in the last few weeks, "dark wavy hair, really really pretty… have you seen her?"
"A bit earlier tonight I did…"
"Any idea where she went?"
"She was in here when a bunch of the younger regulars come in here ? word got around that there was a party at one of the frats and the place emptied out… I think that's around when she left too…"
"Where's the fr-"
"Is she your girlfriend?" one of the men from the table asked loudly.
"What does it matter?" Xander asked quickly turning towards them. The same guy leaned over to his friend and commented,
"Man, she was a hell of a dancer wasn't she?"
"Hell yeah," he answered with a chuckle.
"Buddy, if I were you, I'd keep that girl on a short leash!"
"With a chain choker collar," the friend answered laughing, "if you know what I mean."
"She would look good in chains, wouldn't she?" the guy answered, the whole table laughing now.
"What'd you say?" Xander asked furiously walking over to their table.
"There ain't too many girls walking around here that look like that," they guy said further provoking him. "If she were mine I wouldn't let her out of the house!"
"Sounds like a great strategy towards a long-term relationship, really!" By now Xander was standing just next to their table and the guy stood up to face him,
"Well, seeming as how you're walking around town looking in bars for your girl, my guess is, you ain't got a great long-term strategy either…"
There had been few occasions in Xander's life where he had snapped ? just completely lost his shit and lashed out of whatever caused it. It was a very rare occurrence, but when it happened, it was pretty scary. Everything pent up inside of him right now ? he just didn't have nay other way of dealing with it. He reached out and grabbed the jacket collar of the guy and threw a quick right punch straight to his face. Luckily most of the guys at the table were mostly into the cheering part of the fight and didn't really feel like jumping in, except for the one who the guy had been talking to.
"Hey!" he yelled as he threw himself into Xander. The bouncer ran over to break up the fight and he grabbed the friend by his jacket and pulled him off. The first guy was back up with a bloody nose and before the bouncer could grab him he punched Xander in the face twice, once in the nose and once in the eye,
"I wonder if I punched the other side of your face if you'd call it a black eye, or a just a black eye socket!" he mocked angrily. Xander got in another good punch to the guys face before being grabbed by the bouncer and brought to the door. He wasn't a regular, he didn't get the privileges. He walked agreeably out with the bouncer who waited by the front door to make sure he didn't try to come back in.
"It's not smart to be a newcomer and make trouble…"
"I'm really sorry," he explained. "I just really need to find her… can you please tell me where that frat is?"
"I don't really think I want to be pointing a guy like you, who's angrier than hell at his girlfriend, in her direction… saw what you did to that guy in there, I don't want to know what you're going to do to your girl after the night she's been having.
"Believe me, sir, she could kick my ass in four point restraints!" The joke, and the fact that a hundred dollars happened to fall out of Xander's jacket pocket was enough to get him directions to the frat where Faith *might* be.
He walked up to the frat house and saw there were still dozens of college students going in the door. He fell in line with the rest of them without raising too much suspicion. As he walked through the door past a tall guy who seemed to be watching out for who he let in he called over to Xander,
"Hey you…" But Xander gave a half wave and kept walking and lost himself in the crowd. It took him about 0.00001 seconds to spot Faith in the crowd. She was dancing in the middle of the room, which had at least fifty students crammed into it dancing to the blaring music. Little to his surprise Faith had at least a dozen guys all over her and he could tell she was basking in the attention. He stood there starring at her being able to handle such a crowd of guys being all over her and he thought about how for a while he had been all she needed. He'd never seen her dancing with only one guy in the Bronze, or anywhere else for that matter… one was just not enough attention for her anymore. But he had been enough for her… He swallowed hard as his throat clamped shut.
He started to get angry again ? he left her because he didn't want to lose her, but he wasn't about to watch her degrade herself like that and have all those men with their hands *all* over her. She was too good for this and the frustrating thing about it was that he seemed to be the only one who knew that. He knew when they had been together he had made her know she was worth more than this ? but he was also the person who had treated her like garbage and made her feel worthless. And he knew the only way she could feel like she was worth something was like this… it practically made him sick to his stomach. None of those guys knew who she was, or what she had been through, or hell, how much time she had spent behind bars… how many people she'd killed… they didn't know how much she'd been through ? they didn't know her!
He pushed his way through the crowd, pulling past girls grabbing him for a dance and fighting his way through the crowd of guys trying to get closer to the middle without making it too obvious. He finally got up behind Faith and not wanting to instantly be pushed away by the dancing crowd he put his hands around her waist, ensuring that if they moved it would be together. He wasn't sure why he hadn't expected it, but as soon as he touched her waist she began rubbing up against him, moving her hips to the rhythm and roughly against him. She raised her arms up and rubbed the sides of his face and slid them down his neck all behind her back without even knowing or for that matter, caring who he was.
Before he would've seen these gestures as signs of affection or foreplay, but he knew her so much better now, and the silky touches and curved thrusts all seemed so mechanical to him now. He knew for a fact that if she had done this years ago, when she first came into town he'd be instantly turned on and practically out of control by now, but now he felt sick and really sad. *Faith stop it* he begged in his head. What right did he have to say it out loud when she had begged him a few days earlier and he had purposely ignored her pleas? She motioned to move on to another dance partner but he held onto her waist firmly and she smoothly turned to look at the *jerk* who thought she already belonged to him. As her eyes met his he spat angrily,
"Since when are you into youngin's?"
"They need a little guidance… showing them how to treat a girl." She broke away from the crowd of disappointed guys and headed towards their make-shift bar. "Same," Faith stated to the kid standing behind the table followed by a sharp wink and smile. He lined up four shots of vodka and a glass half full of water.
"So are you saying all of us half decent guys should whip out a notepad and a pencil and jot down all these great pointers you're giving these assholes?" She looked up at him through the glass of water and answered,
"Pot calling the Kedamene black," she joked having to laugh at herself, "you were kind of automatically taken out of the whole half decent category about three days ago." She finished the glass of water and put it down on the table and began on her round of shots. He swallowed down that and continued,
"So tell me, what exactly should go on this list… I think I have the beginning but you can help me add on to it. First, to make a girl feel good make sure you get all over her, but don't forget, knowing her name is bad. Hmmm… second, can you help me out on this one? I only caught onto that one thing you were teaching them."
"Xander, go away," she answered swallowing down the last of the four shots. "I'm just having a good time ? go home."
"Not a chance," he answered quickly. She began to protest and he added, "granted I didn't do a lot of college partying, you know the whole lack of college thing, but I did pick up on the fact that most of them end with the cops showing up… you'll be an easy target in about an hour at the rate you're downing those-"
"Go home." With that she walked away from him and back onto the dance floor. He groaned angrily and turned to the kid behind the bar,
"Hey, how much has she been drinking?" The kid smiled and picked up two nearly empty bottles of Absolut Vodka and waved them slightly for Xander,
"Mostly her." Xander nodded then found himself a spot leaning against the wall where he could keep a good eye on her. He was also keeping a watchful eye on all of the other guys around the room keeping their eyes on Faith. It was a level of awareness he had learned from her ? but after two bottles of vodka, anyone's level of awareness was going to be impaired, even a Slayers. He became especially aware of two guys standing across the room from him ? they had been eying her all night and kept making comments to each other as they watched. Now that wasn't really anything out of the ordinary considering everyone in there was staring at her, even the chicks, Faith's a lot of things, but low profile isn't one of them. But most other people were doing things and partying, these two guys seemed to have one focus, and it didn't feel right.
As he watched he saw a lot of things he didn't like ? but there were actually a few he had to extol her on. He watched her consistently turn down any drinks she hadn't watched being pored, she never left the table with a drink ? she drank them all right there and left. She knew she was drinking a lot, but she was also pretty aware of what she was drinking. Every time she went back to the table she always had a glass of water before having the usual four shots.
Her stamina was certainly something to brag about. She outlived the entire dance floor and as he had suspected, his two friends standing across the room moved onto the floor. One of them stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist while leaning his head on her shoulder and grinning at her. The other took her hand and whispered something in her ear. She didn't smile but gave a jaded rolling of the eyes and then a tired nod. With that they began to lead her off of the dance floor. Xander practically jumped up and walked quickly over to them,
"Where the hell do you think you're going?"
"I'll meet you up there," Kurt, one of the guys said to his friend. His friend, Tommy nodded and started to walk away with Faith again, still whispering sweet nothings in her ear, while Kurt stood in front of Xander.
"She's not going anywhere with you," he cut in trying to push past Kurt.
"I'd ask you if you wanted another black eye, but I don't think I can really call that mangled hole under that patch an eye." Between the emotions built up inside of him, the anger that had been causing his jaw to twitch all night, and the fear that they might actually get her out of his sight, was what probably made him a little scarier to be around.
"Listen to me you fucking punk, she's not going anywhere with you, got that!?" he screamed grabbing the kid by the collar.
"Woah, dude, you've got issues," Kurt said holding his hands up.
"No, I think a couple of college guys who stand around watching a girl all night get drunk and get tired just so you can have some fun, that's having issues," he stated angrily walking past Kurt and grabbing Tommy by the shoulder. "Train stops here, asshole."
"Dude, we were just going to have some fun," he said defensively as he held onto Faith a little looser.
"I don't think she'd have the energy tonight," he stated trying to hide the rage building up. He stepped up and took Faith from Tommy. Both guys saw it in their best interest to make a run for it ? who let that psycho into the party in the first place?
"Fucking hardass!" Tommy yelled as they retreated.
"Faith…" he said ignoring them completely. She was still standing and looked like she was just tired, but she didn't know what the hell was going on. "Hey, can you look at me?" he asked softly. She softly shook her head, barely noticeably, but rested her head on his chest and muttered,
"Let's just go back to your place, okay?" Swallowing the lump down in his throat he walked her out of the frat house and they walked gingerly back to the house. It took a long time needing to take a lot of breaks and Faith wasn't exactly moving too quick.
"God, don't you have a fucking car?" she muttered as they were about ten minutes away from the house. She was really too drunk to even know who he was or where she was even going. He had to breathe deeply to calm his stomach which was doing flips as he listened to what she would say. What could've happened if he hadn't found her? "Wake me up when we get there, okay?" she muttered as her legs finally gave out on her. He was quick to catch her since his arms were already stabilizing her as she walked.
"Okay," he said picking her up in his arms and walking the stretch of the block. He couldn't help but remember the last night he had done this ? it was when he felt the closest to her, but also became aware of how dangerous that was and how quickly he needed to distance himself. He opened the door carefully with one of his hands that wasn't exactly a free hand, but it would have to pretend it was. He stepped into the house and saw the dim light coming from Giles' office. He stepped out quickly to greet Xander and was very surprised by what he saw.
"Look what I found," he said with more than a little anger in his tone.
"Everyone else is asleep." Giles answered as he absorbed what he was seeing. Xander was standing there with a badly bruised and swollen eye and a small blood stain by his nose and then there was Faith. It upset Giles to see her like that ? she was limp in his arms with her head rested against his chest and her hair hung over her shoulder carelessly. He could see beads of sweat on her forehead that shinned in the overhead light. Her legs hung limply down towards the ground and-, Giles shook his head, she just looked so helpless. That was one of his Slayers, and there she was, needing to be carried home and she was completely comatose.
"Good." He answered sharply ? he had been through way too much tonight and was in no mood to deal with anyone. Faith moved slightly in his arms and began to cough. It raised Giles' level of concern and he added,
"Someone should keep an eye on her tonight." He had also noticed Xander's immediate reaction when she coughed, and although he thought she just needed some rest and probably quite a bit of aspirin, he knew some time together might be exactly what those two needed. Seeing him holding her again made it impossible for him to forget how happy both of them were when they were together. Xander answered by walking quickly away and through the hallway with Faith towards her bedroom. He walked silently down the small five steps and into the dim hallway of her wing trying to just not say anything as he listened to the soft noises she made. He wasn't sure whether to think of it as sleeping or not, but… they were sweet little moans, or maybe even whimpers that she made ? just one or two as he lowered her down softly onto the bed.
He thought by the way she acted when he placed her down that she might make up, but it was only a half sort of consciousness. He lowered her down onto the bed and she gripped one arm looped around his neck and lowered the other to the bed, suspecting that was where she was going to be put down. She opened her eyes just barely but her vision was blurry and instead of blinking furiously to clear them she figured it was probably for the best that it was blurry and just closed them again. He helped get her out of her leather jacket carefully supporting her with his arm behind her back as he did so. He gently put her head on the bed once the jacket was off and draped it on the end of the bed. Xander stood looking down at her as she lay there and his mind began to race with emotions and everything that had happened.
Xander stepped away from the bed and pulled off his jacket with a sigh. He tossed it habitually onto the chair full of clothes. He sighed seeing that some of his clothes were still there mixed in with hers. He felt like a real asshole for not thinking about how that must make her feel whenever she looked at it. He glanced back at the bed and saw her lying there. She was lying on her side with her head rested on her arm and her hair slightly in her face. He walked over pushed the strands of hair behind her head and sighed again. He stood there for a few minutes just watching her with his arms crossed tightly across his chest allowing all of the things in his head to just run savagely around his brain hoping they would eventually settle.
He glanced over at the table expecting to see the clock, which had been there… well, less than a few days ago when he woke up in here. He was surprised not to see it in it's usual station but he glanced around and saw it thrown to the floor. It had also been one of the first things she had woken up to in the last few days too… He picked it up and just righted it's position on the floor not wanting to impose on where she was putting things… it was close to five in the morning. He couldn't help but yawn in reaction to finally being able to notice what time it was. It had certainly been quite a long night ? or would you call it morning? He walked around to the other side of the bed; he had habitually placed her down on her side and left his side empty… the brain was a funny thing ? a sick and mean and spiteful thing that was having a lot of fun toying with his subconscious at the moment.
There was a soft knock on the door and Giles walked slowly in carrying a glass of water and some aspirin. He looked over at Xander debating whether to lie down or not and he gave him an encouraging, but small nod as he walked to the table next to Faith's side of the bed and put everything down quietly. He looked down at her for a moment and could see all of the irresponsibility and carelessness, but he also saw the pain and the self-loathing and self- destructiveness he saw when he looked at her. He gave a final glance up at Xander then left as quietly as he had come.
Xander eased himself onto the bed slowly trying not to wake her ? she was the worst sleeper he'd ever met… and well, slept with. The random thought occurred to him that it's pretty unlikely you could ever really know whether someone slept well unless you were involved with them… there was his random thought for the day! He wasn't sure whether Giles' nodded and small smile had been what made him sit down, but he sat never the less. The alcohol was definitely helping him in the not waking up factor ? she moved slightly and groaned as the bed moved, but didn't wake up. He sat up on the bed leaning his back against the backboard of the bed. He watched her sleep ? he couldn't even swear that he blinked the entire time.
*I've never seen anything so beautiful* he thought to himself, *good, Xander, real good, watch a girl completely passed out and think it's beautiful… I've got some real issues…* he shook his head knowing his issues were what caused all of this. But the problem was, he couldn't decipher whether the effects of his issues had started when they first got together, or when they had just broken up. *I hate seeing her so upset* he admitted shaking his head and secretly wiping a stray tear from his eye. She was so amazing and here he was sitting right next to her and afraid to touch her. He knew for a fact if he wanted to keep her from waking up he should just hold her… but it wasn't his place anymore; he didn't have the right. He didn't have that right because he had taken it and crushed it with the most painful words and actions and broken promises he could have.
He glanced over at the clock on the floor again and it was quarter to six when she started to wake up. He didn't move ? but he just watched her carefully and her actions were *painfully* telling to the way she was feeling. That was the thing with Faith, you had to be very observant to the small signs she gave because it wasn't very often that she'd tell you the way she was feeling. *She started telling me how she was feeling though…* Xander shook his head trying to ignore the thoughts now ? he was all too aware of the pain she was in and he hated it with every fiber of his being, but it couldn't change what he did or why he did it.
She began to wake up and as she did she extended her hand out hoping to touch Xander and hold him as she always loved to in the morning. She wanted to have him right there and-
"Oh fuck," she muttered as she pulled her arm back so quickly it was like a whiplash. She didn't even look up to see the disgusting creep she had ended up with last night. She rolled over so that she wasn't facing him… if you could call it a him ? she would rather refer to him and It right now. Judging by the headache she could feel already she could just imagine how much she had to drink and just how low her standards were ? like she already said, she didn't want to look at It. She sat up with her head still hanging down as she accustomed herself to being awake. Her eyes were still blurry ? in fact, they hadn't been all that clear when she went out patrolling in the first place ? that's what losing a few days worth of sleep will do to you. She hated the groggy feeling when she woke up hung over though… it made even her feel a little powerless. She definitely didn't like it.
"Hey," she heard a voice behind her.
"Shut up, you fucking prick," she muttered everything blurry and sounding so far away but still annoying. She wasn't even listening to the It behind her so she couldn't recognize it as Xander's.
Xander was a little taken aback by the attitude, initially thinking she was aiming it at him! He thought he was pretty damn nice to her last night ? he saved her ass!
"So you're always nasty in the morning… I thought it was just me… gee, I feel better now…" he stated sarcastically.
"Shut the fuck up, fucking smart ass," she muttered again angrily. She really had to stop drinking so much ? these guys were getting more annoying every time. She didn't even want to get a good look around ? she couldn't imagine the apartment was going to be any nicer than the prick in the bed next to her. She did however look down at herself and notice, *holy shit*, all clothes were still on except for her jacket… that's a first! *Whatever*, she thought ? probably a sicker prick than any of the rest of them ? wants to think he's getting away with something! She motioned to stand up but stopped and grabbed her temple with one of her hands painfully. *It'll stop… it'll stop… it'll all stop…* she repeated over and over again in her head trying to give herself the strength she was going to need to get out of wherever the hell she was and back home.
"There's water and aspirin on the table right there," Xander offered seeing she was in pain. He started to realize that she had no idea who he was or where she was… or what had happened while she was completely plastered.
"I may look dumb, but I'm not fucking stupid, asshole," she commented harshly now forcing herself to stand up. She couldn't stay here any longer ? she had to get out of here.
Xander finally got up and made his way over the bed.
"Hey, hold on," he said seeing she was about to rush out of there.
"You had your fun, I'm out of here," she answered grabbing her jacket off of the bed.
"Faith," he said grabbing her arm gently. She looked up at him quickly ? there wasn't anyone who would touch her like that. The voice could be ignored ? the sight could be overlooked ? the touch was unmistakable. She practically jumped when she saw his face.
Xander was surprised by what he saw. He had expected, especially after the way she acted when she woke up, that she would be angry when she realized it was him and think he ruined her fun, or… whatever she might think. He definitely didn't think he would've ever had the right to assume what would go on in Faith's head ? she had been through a lot and had heard of everything else so there was little that wouldn't run through her thoughts… He was shocked by her actual response though ? she looked up at him with a look of absolute excitement and happiness!
"Xander," she said turning to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. "We… we must've…" she muttered barely audibly. She wanted so badly for something to have happened that just made everything better again. She rested her head on his chest for a long moment pulling him close to her. Xander stood there unsure of what to do ? he was so shocked by how she had reacted. It was true ? all she had wanted was to have him back and that's what she thought happened. He stood there stiffly against her with his hands on her arms trying to convince her otherwise.
She hoped so badly something had just happened that settled everything between them last night ? whatever it was ? and now everything was back to the way it should be. As much as she wished this, she was pretty sure something that good couldn't happen to her. But she had to know… She looked up at him and touched his cheek with her hand bringing her lips up to his. She kissed his softly pulling him closer to her but with his hands on her arms he pushed her away finally getting control of himself.
"No way, Faith." It was sharp and unfeeling.
"Baby…"
"Faith, stop it," he answered taking a step back away from her.
"But… but… I thought that we," she rambled standing there feeling so alone now without his body up against hers.
"No."
"What?" she asked trying to put it all together while her head was absolutely pounding and she just felt like crying.
"Nothing happened, Faith. I found you fucking smashed with guys all over you and… it was a bad situation so I brought you home."
"A bad situation? What the hell do you call this?" she asked sharply. "You came looking for me? I'm not something you can control anymore-"
"Oh, but if I were still fucking you I could order you around!?"
"I'd do anything for you, and you fucking know it!" she screamed the tears starting to rim around her eyes.
"I didn't want to see you stumbling in that door after spending the night with some asshole who didn't give a shit about you and-"
"And you did!?" she screamed furiously.
"Don't do this," Xander said turning away from her and running his fingers through his hair.
"Just get out, Xander."
"Faith…"
"Just go!" she screamed angrily.
"I'm not leaving with you like this," he stated forcing his tone to be calm and low. She picked up the glass of water Giles had brought in and threw it at the wall. It shattered and the water splashed all over the wall ? it was across the room from both of them.
"You already did!"
"Faith, just calm down."
"Just go away," she said her tone dropping down to pleading as she sank down to the ground and sat with her knees pulled up to her chest as she lowered her head down to her knees. His heart felt so broken he was surprised he was still standing. He looked down at her curled up practically into a ball on the floor,
"Faith, please…"
"Get out," she mumbled.
"Okay," he agreed. He walked up to her and touched her shoulder lightly with his hand then walked out of the bedroom ? wiping tears from his eye as he left.
"You're up early," Giles commented as he walked into the kitchen for his first cup of tea of the morning.
"Or up late, which ever way you'd like to look at it…" Xander answered looking up at him from the table. He had walked out of Faith's bedroom and then just sat there until now… probably a few hours later. He couldn't figure out what his head was thinking - everything just seemed to be spinning off into an entirely different planet… he couldn't even keep up with his own thoughts. He shook his head remembering all of the times Faith used to tell him that's how her head felt and he would just hold her even tighter and whisper in her ear that it was okay. He would tell her and she would listen… she believed him.
Giles watched his facial expressions quietly as they assumed a soft smile. Xander thought about how he would be suddenly awakened from his sleep to see Faith sitting up in bed, panting uncontrollably, and close to crying because of the thoughts scrambling through her head. He remembered the feeling of wrapping his arms around her shaking shoulders and holding her, whispering to her how it would stop. And then it would… she would relax and her breathing would slow down and she would just rest her face against his chest and lie there and he could feel her drift back to sleep holding him and basking in the feeling of his arms around her.
Giles placed the kettle back onto the stove and the small clanking sound it made caused Xander to jump from what seemed to be a sort of day dream.
"Is everything alright?" he asked cautiously. After a moment of thought Xander answered,
"No." Giles took the answer and thought it over for a few moments while he watched his tea grow darker as his thoughts did. He allowed himself to delve into what he thought Faith's mind could possibly be going through. It was a dark place… and that was to say the least.
"Did you two have a chance to talk?"
"Giles, you saw the state she was in when I literally carried her home last night! She was in no mood for talking… I tried, but she didn't want to hear it."
"She's hurt…"
"She got happy when she thought I slept with her last night! She was happy about that, thinking it would just make everything better again - Giles, she woke up and she didn't even know where she was! How could us sleeping together when she didn't even know what happened have made her happy?"
"Faith doesn't handle these types of things."
"You can say that again - she doesn't handle it well at all."
"No, Xander, she doesn't handle it at all…"
"What do you mean?" Xander asked quickly, unable to hide the overwhelming concern in his tone.
"I don't know," Giles admitted, "but she has me worried."
"I always kind of freaked you out, didn't I?" Faith asked walking into the kitchen. Okay, walking probably isn't the best word, since it was probably closer to a painful crawl. "God, I almost forgot why I loved high school so much that I left," she added sardonically, "you can walk anywhere and people are striking up conversations about you…"
"Faith, we were just-" Xander began defending softly but he quickly shut himself up seeing the furious expression flash across her face. He stopped talking as though his voice had just suddenly disappeared.
"How are you feeling?" Giles asked surprised at how… well, good she looked outwardly considering only a few hours previously he had seen her passed out being carried to bed. She looked tired, but there was what seemed to be a spark, or a piece of conviction there now… he assumed it was forced and he wasn't sure whether it was for the better or worse, but it was something.
"I'm alright," she answered nonchalantly as she rummaged through the cabinets for a cup and filled it with water. Xander took her attitude as a clear sign for him to leave. He walked quietly out of the kitchen and passed Kennedy on his way up the stairs. She barely looked at him and it just compounded the bile feeling inside of him. She was so angry - she knew what all of this meant to Faith, and she knew how much she was hurting.
"Okay… how's everything else going?" Giles pushed.
"G, enough with the bullshit, alright?" she said quickly, almost snapping. "Here's the dig, I'll be out of here before lunch."
"What?" Kennedy asked from the doorway to the kitchen. Faith turned quickly to see her and she felt her insides sink. She didn't care what anyone else thought - they had all seen her just run away from her problems before, but she didn't want Kennedy to see her that way so she had just avoided thinking about that part of the problem. "You can't leave…"
"Oh yeah, watch me…" she answered viciously, having no other way of handling the feelings inside of her. "Just wanted to clue you in, Giles. Thanks for everything… and I just wanted you to know, this isn't me running away from my problems again… I like it here. It's got the whole family thing working for it, but… I know when I'm just going to make a situation worse, so I'm out."
"Faith, there are other ways we can deal with this? Where will you go?"
"You're never coming back, are you?" Kennedy asked in a panic.
"I'm going to head to L.A., let Angel fix my head up again."
"Are you coming back?" Kennedy pressed. Faith ignored the further questioning and forced herself to be strong - her being strong was often perceived as her being cold and indifferent. She walked past both of them and out of the kitchen and back to her bedroom.
"What?" Kennedy asked still in a panic turning to Giles hoping he would have some answer for her. He held the brim of his nose with his hand shaking it back and forth in frustration and pain. He was worried about her enough when she was still living under the same roof as he was… at least she was going to see Angel; he was someone she trusted and he hadn't let her down yet. "Giles, you can't let her leave!" Kennedy added again still overwhelmed with what just happened in front of her; why did everything dramatic always have to happen right in front of her?
"Usually the part where someone tries to stop her turns out to be quite comical," Giles answered - his attitude, much like Faith's, was because of the strong feelings building up inside of him and the only way he could handle it and maintain composure was by being a little cold and appearing as though the situation didn't bother him a fraction as much as it actually did.
Xander walked up the stairs towards his bedroom unexpectedly meeting Buffy in the hallway.
"Hey," she greeted trying to find out what had happened last night when he left going to look for Faith. She didn't know when exactly he had gotten home but it must've been fairly late because she had gone to bed. She didn't even know if he had found her… there were certainly plenty of questions floating around in her head and she wanted them at least sorted out if not entirely answered, but she knew she had to be very subtle about it because it was a touchy subject.
"Hi," he answered in almost a groan. "How are you doing?"
"Better than you…"
"Probably…"
"We're going to officially move into the other house today. Can you help us with the final touches today?"
"Ummm… what time?" he asked hesitantly.
"No, it's okay… you look really tired anyway."
"No, Buffy, it's really okay, just what time?"
"I wanted to head over there pretty early, you know, get everything set up so we can sleep there tonight. I was thinking in about an hour or so… no rush."
"Okay, no problem," Xander answered pushing himself to go even though it was the last thing he wanted to do at that moment. He needed to move on - this was part of moving on, he needed to do things that didn't involve Faith… or Anya. He needed to do things that were completely separate and that would get his mind working on some different things.
"Great!" Buffy answered with much excitement - she wanted to hang out with Xander, talk to him and find out how he was feeling. She knew he wasn't thrilled with his situation right now, and getting his mind off of it would be just the thing.
"I'll be ready in about an hour."
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Faith stared into the fogged mirror in the bathroom looking pensively at her reflection. Even if she could lie to herself, a reflection never lied. It showed just what it saw without covering anything up - what it saw is what it showed, no cover-ups or lies. She turned the shower off and listened to it drip from the showerhead as she just stared into the mirror - her eyes were puffy, especially around the bottom and her face was pale. Her eyes were streaked with red lines that reflected boldly in the mirror - each one trying to outdo the other bloody streak across her eye. She hugged the towel around her tighter as she hugged herself with her arms closing her eyes and just allowing herself to float away for a minute, hypnotized by the rhythmic dripping noise of the water.
She opened her eyes feeling like she had a strong pair of arms wrapped around her hugging her closely. She looked to her right and saw Xander standing there with his wet hair tussled on his head, which was softly resting on her shoulder as he held her. The sound of his rhythmic breathing softened the pounding beat of her heart. The soft breath on her skin caused small waves of sensation through her body and everything felt whole and soft.
The sound of rhythmic breathing revealed itself again as the dripping of the faucet as she opened her eyes again to see herself standing in front of the mirror: alone, cold, and tense. With an angry sigh she clenched her jaw and left the bathroom quickly. She walked through the dim hallway and into her bedroom.
*'Faith you can turn off all of the emotions that you want, but sooner or later they're going to find a-' Buffy pleaded.*
*'That was great, I gotta shower.'*
*'What jail for the rest of my young life!?'*
Xander walked out of his room with the intention of going down to Faith's to retrieve some of his clothing that had been left down there. He bumped into Willow in the hallway and she stopped him with a very excited expression on her face.
"Hey, Xander!"
"Hi, Wil…"
"I've got some good news for you… well, it's good news as long as you don't get mad."
"Okay, try me…"
"Well, we all agreed that with all that's going on you could use… a focus."
"I tried that approach already Will, it didn't turn out so good."
"No, but this is different. I found out about the construction company in town and I got the number and talked to one of the staff managers… I told him about your experience and knowledge and dedication and… and he wants to meet with you as soon as possible. He said you sound like the kind of guy they've been waiting for… I hope you're not mad." Xander's first reaction was to be just that - it wasn't there place to decide what he needed, but as he thought it over quickly, they were probably right.
"Willow, that's great… thanks."
She dressed quickly grabbing a pair of jeans and boots, and a white, ribbed tank top - even after she was dressed she still couldn't completely control what was running though her head and she was fully aware of how dangerous that could end up being.
*'And what, that's the end of it? You see the dead guy in your head everyday and you just live with it!?'
'Buffy, I'm not going to see anything…'*
"Fuck!" she finally screamed slamming her fist into the wall with frustration and anger. She forced herself to take a deep breath and calm herself down.
"Is everything alright?" Xander asked cautiously as he slowly entered the doorway. She turned quickly to look at him - and in a very counterproductive way she got angry at herself for still being angry and making it so obvious for him to see… but as you can probably guess, getting angry at herself hardly made the situation any better.
"Five by five."
"Haven't heard you say that in a long time…" he commented -the way she looked, the way she was talking, and even by the way she was standing it reminded him a little too much of the way she used to be and it made him uncomfortable. He hadn't realized but in their time together she had changed *so* much. Everything about her had kind of chilled out and she had relaxed and really stopped looking over her shoulder in a sense. What it really came down to was that she had trusted him, completely and totally, and the feeling of having someone she felt that way about so close to her had completely changed her attitude and defensiveness.
As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too
She shrugged and answered, "guess I just haven't needed to say it. So, what brings you in here?"
"Oh, umm…" he hesitated but continued forcing himself to treat her how he had the new Faith and tried to ignore how overwhelmingly obvious it was that she had digressed right back to the way things had been before their time together. "I left some of my clothes in here," he said motioning towards the chair with his clothing strewn on top of it from when he had been basically living in here with her. "I just needed to grab a couple of them… I know it's kind of awkward; I'm sorry… you know, I could just come get them later, if you want…"
"No, don't be silly, it's cool," she answered trying to seem indifferent.
"Thanks," he answered. It was all too evident from his tone just how uncomfortable he was around her now - her entire façade completely intimidated him and he could barely parallel her with the girl who would cry in his arms all night and beg him to whisper how he actually loved her. He walked over to the chair and began to gather his clothes - Faith watched him from the other side of the room where she appeared to be staring out of the window as she ran her fingers through her hair to try and speed it along in the drying process.
He grabbed his green tee-shirt and his blue one, and another one of his black ones… he went to grab a white one off the chair but he hesitated because of the thought that ran through his head. He had seen her wearing his tee-shirt more often than he had recently and he couldn't decide whether to take it or leave it - he knew she like it and wore it a lot, but he also knew she would probably think about him and how he hurt her every time she looked at it… He stood there trying to decide and rummaged through the pile as he pondered the thought. As he pushed through the pile slowly it suddenly occurred to him - all of the clothes on the chair were his… where were hers?
"You doing laundry?" he asked.
"No," she answered as though the answer should be obvious. She didn't want to get into it with Xander - Kennedy had been more than enough for her to deal with, she didn't want to have to deal with him too on the whole leaving issue.
"Where are your clothes?" he pushed knowing something was off.
"Nowhere," she answered with a shrug, all of a sudden being too preoccupied with her hair to talk much with him.
"Faith…" Xander pushed scanning the room to help him out with the blank screen in his head. He couldn't figure out what was going on and any scenario he came up with he immediately pushed away in denial that it could be true.
"Did you get all of your clothes?"
"Why's your bag packed?" he asked finally spotting it on the side of her bed.
"I don't answer to you anymore."
"Would you stop making it sound like you were my fucking slave before and now you're free and you don't have to listen to my orders!"
"I wasn't your slave, I was just yours," she clarified sharply. Her tone revealed just how much she had given everything to him and how she wished there was just more of her to give. His throat clenched tightly and he could feel his stomach twist and turn as he looked over at her. "Should've known you just wanted your second taste," she muttered almost under her breath.
"Hey!" he reprimanded angrily.
"What? You said it yourself, it never meant anything - it was all just a lie."
"I never-" he cut himself off quickly, "Faith…"
"It's true, isn't it?" she asked holding her ground strongly. She hadn't been able to talk to him this much yet, but now that she had almost convinced herself that she didn't care, she was going to make him sweat.
"You don't have to say it that way…"
"Sorry, leave it to me to make something sound bad. Oh, wait…"
"So you're leaving," he snapped trying to shift the subject back to what was important.
"Figured that one out all by yourself didn't you," she answered sardonically. "You should help Dawnie with research, you're sharper than they all think… hey, you know, Dawn's pretty cute, the two of you should-"
"Don't!" he warned. She shrugged, completely (outwardly) unaffected by his tone,
"I'm just saying… damn, lighten up, would you? I mean, come on, what's there to be so fucking down about?" she asked, every word dripping with thick sarcasm.
"You're leaving," he stated again.
"Should put you in a better mood…"
"Is that why you're going? You think it'll be better for me?" he asked angrily. He didn't want her to go - he wasn't sure what he wanted, but the sudden knowledge that she was going to disappear, and knowing her, probably never be around him again, it shook him with terror. He wasn't ready to let her go that much.
"Nah, I'm going to work on my tan," she answered walking over to her bed and picking up her carton of cigarettes. She lit one quickly and tossed the carton back on the bed with the lighter.
"This isn't a fucking joke!"
"What are you talking about? It's my life, of course it's a fucking joke… always has been, always will be." The truth in what she said shook him to his spine with sadness.
"I can't believe you're doing this…" he muttered in an almost defeated tone.
"You know, just when you think you know a person… you can't believe me, and truth be told, it was a fucking shocker when you grew a fucking pair and dumped my ass! Never in a million years did I see that one coming…" her tone was nonchalant and indifferent, trying to conceal the true emotion inside of her, but as she continued talking it began to reveal itself in a much more telling way. "See, that's why I always say you should never marry… you think you know a person, but you never really do. You think they tell you everything - man of your dreams, mister perfect… you think you've got it all and really, the fucking reality of the situation is when he's lying in bed next to you he's thinking of some other chick… someone he really cares about… someone that actually matters to him… that's why you should never try and see yourself with the same person forever - real life just doesn't work out that way… even if it seems like it just might, it doesn't… ever."
"I know I hurt you, and I'm sor-"
"Just shut up, okay? I don't want to hear it."
"Faith, I-"
"I asked you to shut up," she said cutting him off. "Anything you say is just bullshit anyway."
"Do you really believe that?" he asked, the reality finally sinking in deeply just how much she didn't trust him anymore. She just looked at him as an answer and it was far more than enough. He felt like tears would come crashing down his face at any moment, but he didn't move, he didn't run to leave, he just stood there.
*'Don't push me, Faith, give me that bag. You're not going anywhere! You can't just keep running away all of the time.'
'I told you, I'm not running away, I just don't like your piece of shit boyfriend!'
'He's a good man, don't you talk about him that way!'
'Yeah, I bet my father was a good guy too, right?'
'Faith, if you walk out of that door don't you dare try and come back!'
'Later, ma.'*
"So you're really leaving, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I guess I am."
"And it's because of me, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess it is… so enough about me, what's up with you?" she asked finishing her cigarette and immediately lighting up another one. Finally the only emotion Xander had left that he felt comfortable enough to show around her was anger,
"You know, that's going to give you cancer."
"Counting on it," she mocked. He clenched his teeth together knowing she just knew exactly how to get under his skin. He knew how to get under hers too - he'd just ignore her attempts to make him angry.
You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does
"So, I'm going for a job interview tomorrow."
"That's great," she answered - the genuinely nice tone that revealed that she was honestly happy for him hit him harder than any snide remark ever could. As the fact settled into her head a wave of emotion flushed over her and she turned towards a drawer with all of her small rings and necklaces as though she had to sort them out to pack. He was everything she had ever wanted - she would've actually had a family with him. It would be normal - he'd come home from working all day just to see her and talk to her and tell her all about his day and she'd be so completely content with just listening to him and watching his face sparkle as he looked at her. She had really thought they were going to be together forever… the thought of ever marrying a guy had never even crossed her mind until she was with him. She wanted to be his and she wanted to be his forever and for always. But she knew it wasn't going to happen and she needed to stop thinking of it like that.
"Yeah," he answered still coping with how her response had made him feel. He felt the warmth in her voice - the way she wanted him to do well and to be happy.
"That's really great… you'll do great." She turned to look at him quickly and gave him an encouraging smile letting him know that she was being honest in her excitement for him. He was probably going to have a job by the end of the week and she was probably going to be in jail… how could she ever think that they were going to be together forever?
"Thanks." He stood there and watched her slide two of the rings from the drawer onto her fingers and then gather the rest of the jewelry up and put it into her bag. "So, I'll see you soon," he said finally heading for the door.
"I wouldn't count on that," she muttered just loud enough for him to barely hear. Her words stopped him dead in his tracks as it dawned upon him where she might be going.
"Where are you going?" he asked turning towards her rigidly.
"Do the lying privileges get expanded to me too?"
"Faith…"
"You don't have to worry about me anymore… I'll be safe as a kitten." He stood there unsure of how to take her attitude, "I'm going to grab something to eat," she said walking past him out of the bedroom. He began to walk after her but stopped and realized he didn't have any of the clothes he had originally come to get.
"Xander, you ready to go?" Buffy asked as she ran into him in the hallway outside of the kitchen. He glanced through the door and saw Faith sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and Giles preparing for another cup of tea.
"Yeah…" he answered knowing he wouldn't be able to watch her leave. He gave her a final glance and walked out of the house with Buffy.
"Here," Giles said as he sat down at the table next to Faith. He dropped money by her hand on the table.
"I don't want your money," she stated flatly.
"You're going to need it whether you want it or not." She moved her hand towards it and spread out the bills like a professional card player with a single finger to look at the total number of bills.
"I'm not taking your money and I'm definitely not taking five hundred dollars of your money," she answered pushing the bills back on top of each other in a single pile with the same finger.
"Why are you so bloody stubborn?"
"Guess I was born that way…"
"No, sadly I think you were made to be that way. You need to be exactly the way you are to have lasted this long…"
"Don't get too sure of yourself, G, I think my lucks almost run up." With that she stood from the table and put her mug in the sink.
"Faith, take it," he said strongly pushing the money into her hand. She took it without another word knowing she really couldn't handle another argument. "Is there anything I could do or say that might change your mind?" he asked as she headed for the door.
"I just have to go figure some stuff out…"
"You can't do that here?"
"Giles… it's hard for me to understand it but… I feel like everything inside of me crumbles whenever I see him - I just can't handle it… I'm just not strong enough. I'm sorry." Giles nodded in understanding and she headed for her room to grab her bag. She wanted to get out of there before anyone else knew she was leaving. She grabbed her bag and took a final glance around her bedroom - maybe she just really wasn't meant to have a family like this…
She walked back into the hallway and headed for the door. She stopped briefly in Giles' office, happy he wasn't in there and placed the five hundred dollars on top of his desk. She left the office and headed for the door but Kennedy was standing right next to it.
We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do
"You're a fucking coward," she stated angrily with tears rimming her eyes and a few already running down her cheek. "I hate you." She was so angry and upset that she didn't know how to deal with the way she felt. She had never had someone who had been in such an idolized role in her life, but now she was leaving, and without giving even a single thought as to how she was going to feel. She felt like anything Faith had ever done that made it seem like she cared was just crap and that she never meant any of it. She felt betrayed and forgotten - even if she did know it was an illogical anger, it was still there and she didn't know how to harness it.
"Thanks kid," she answered indifferently as she grabbed the doorknob and left, closing the door firmly behind her. She couldn't think about the screaming inside of her - the painful screams that made her just want to run back inside and pray that Xander would take her back and she could just live the perfect life with all of them. She didn't know what was going on in her head - this wasn't the way she thought! Angel really needed to fix the fucking mess she had made with her head - and fast.
"You okay?" Buffy asked from the passenger seat in the truck. She was watching Xander as he drove and it was pretty obvious that he was far from being okay. "Xander…"
"Sorry… I'm a little, somewhere else," he explained.
"I get it. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I'm dying to, but I don't know if I can…"
"You can give it a try," she offered.
"Buffy… I did it because… I just couldn't stand the thought of losing her… losing Anya is about the closest thing that's ever killed me, and Faith…"
"I just don't get how out of everyone, Faith was the one that… well, was comforting to you."
"Think what you want about her, Buffy, but you don't know her like I do."
"Thank God," she joked. Her jovial tone was far from well received and Xander stared at the road as he drove. "Xander, I'm sorry… but it just confuses me how Faith was the one you clung too - I mean she spent the least amount of time with you, she hurt you both emotionally and physically the last time she had been around you, and she was straight out of prison… I mean I just don't get it. Is the fact that she was your first really that big of a deal with you?" They came to a screeching stop and Xander still stared at the windshield working furiously to keep himself from exploding. Buffy got stiff in her seat as she watched the muscles around his jaw twitch as he stared at the steering wheel without saying a word.
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Without a word Xander pushed the car forward again as though nothing had happened. He stared straight ahead only occasionally glancing into the rearview mirror and he couldn't stop thinking about her. Faith was an unforgettable person in general, just because of who she was, but would he ever be able to stop thinking about her after what they had had together?
"Xander, don't worry… you two will be friends. Faith likes being around you, she always has, so she'll be okay with just hanging out with you, I'm sure of it… just give it time."
"No, she's gone."
"What?"
"She left."
"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked actually having a sign of fear in her tone.
"She had her bag packed when we left - she won't be there when we get back."
"Why is she doing this!? She just runs away… that's how she does everything, and instead of dealing with things she leaves it for everyone else and she wins!"
"I don't think she's trying to rack up points on anyone, Buffy."
"Whatever."
"She couldn't be around me without me… everything she said to me she meant… Faith… she really meant everything she told me… she really did." He muttered as he switched on the radio to fill the silence in the car and possibly his head.
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Faith climbed down from a bus and looked up the busy street it had dropped her off on. Ten bucks really didn't get you anything these days… With the money Giles tried to give her she could've taken a fucking limo to L.A., but now it was just the direct route of hitch-hiking and taking any type of public transportation she could. A few other passengers came off of the bus and a young guy stopped beside her and asked,
"Are you lost?"
"No," she answered in the friendliest tone she could muster.
"Not from around here, are you?"
"I'm not from around anywhere." He laughed and asked,
"Umm… there's a diner down the street there, just on the corner, I was wondering if I could buy you a mediocre cup of coffee and maybe some lunch…"
"I don't know…" she answered hesitantly. She knew she would usually squeeze this pushover for everything she could, but right now she really didn't want anyone even looking at her.
"Please… you don't even have to sit with me," he joked. She smiled and nodded,
"Okay."
Giles walked from the living room to the kitchen and put down his empty cup in the sink. He saw Faith's coffee mug still sitting there and he shook his head slightly knowing how bad the situation had gotten and he hadn't done anything to make it better. He knew the two of them together was the best thing for both of them, but he had also known how hard it would be if they ever broke up… and that's where he was now. He couldn't help but feel an enormous amount of guilt weighing down upon him - Xander had been right, he wished he could've been that savior for Faith. If he were she wouldn't be running away from them again to seek help elsewhere… he could've been that person she came to, but he was about the farthest thing now. At least there was still Angel - she had someone…
He walked out of the kitchen and through the hallway but stopped seeing Kennedy sitting by the door to the garage where Faith had left from. She sat there bundled practically into a ball crying into her lap. She heard him walking closer and she lifted her head up - her eyes were so red, Giles could tell she was probably crying since Faith walked out of the door. He walked past her and into his office needing to collect his thoughts before he could try and make someone else feel better about the situation. He walked into the office and the money on his desk caught his eye immediately.
"Bloody hell!" he screamed slamming the door loudly.
"So where are you headed?" Derek asked looking across the table at Faith drinking her cup of coffee.
"L.A. I think."
"You ever been there?"
"Yeah, I spent a few years there."
"Oh really, what'd you think?"
"It's cool… I didn't really go out much while I was there though," she added trying to not bring up in the middle of the conversation that he was buying lunch for an escapee convict who did time in L.A. for several murders…
"Why's that?" he asked curiously. She shrugged and smiled,
"Not really sure…" she answered eating another French fry.
"So, how are you planning on getting all the way to L.A.?"
"I like to figure things out as I go…"
"So you don't have a plan?" he asked smiling.
"I'm usually lacking a plan."
"Well, if you need a place to stay - I'm just about-"
"No thanks," she answered shortly pushing her plate away and standing up from the table. "Thanks for lunch, Derek."
"Hey, I didn't mean it like that… you don't have to go."
"Yeah, actually I do. Be good to yourself," she added grabbing her bag and her jacket and walking out of the diner. She couldn't deal with this right now…
"Ok-ay," Derek muttered sitting back down in the booth and thinking over how quickly that had just happened. She seemed really interesting… looked like she had quite a story to tell.
"Giles?" Kennedy asked as she knocked softly on his office door. She didn't hear a response so she slowly pushed open the door and walked in. He was sitting on the couch towards the back of the room drinking from a glass. She almost took a double take never having seen him ever drink anything besides tea. "Giles…" Her tone was broken and it was obvious that she had been crying for a long time.
"Yes?" Her tone was obvious to her state, but the same was going for Giles as well.
"I… I… I was just… I don't know."
"Are you feeling alright?"
"No."
"Well, join the club," he said holding up his glass of Coniac.
"Some goodbye Faith got, huh?"
"What exactly do you mean?"
"I mean that… well, Xander didn't even say goodbye, he just kind of looked at her and then left with Buffy of all people! And I wasn't exactly nice to her when she left… and as far as I know, no one else even knew she was leaving. Did you even say goodbye to her?"
"Faith's not big on goodbyes."
"Yeah, I kind of picked up on that. Do you think going to see Angel is a good thing?" Giles stood up from the couch and over to his desk where he refilled his glass. There was another knock at the door and Xander asked,
"Can I come in?"
"Sure, Xander."
"Hey, Kennedy," Xander greeted walking into the dim room. She turned her head away from him and looked down at the floor. "Well, taking a look around I think I can figure she's gone…"
"Yes, she is…" Giles answered. "She left a while ago - just after you."
Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much
I listen to the sound of my feet against the sidewalk trying to become enveloped by the soft thuds on the ground. I remember something my mother used to always say whenever she was going through a tough time, she used to tell me, life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey. I almost chuckle to myself as I walk thinking how absolutely wrong she is, well, pretty much always. L.A. is the perfect place to be, it's where I needed to be and it was all going to get better now that I was here - but I gotta say, getting here really bit the big one. Buses, Trains, and Cabs… wow, I feel like I should break into song right about now - oh my. L.os Angeles, it's quite the city. It's one of those things that you either love or you hate. As I walk down the road and finally reach the Hyperion I suddenly can't tell which end of the spectrum I'm on. It's completely empty and dark and it looks like there hasn't been anyone there in months.
I walk inside just to be sure. I stand in the middle of the main hall and look up towards the high ceiling stories higher than any of the others and as my heart sinks even more I know no one's there. I feel like everything inside of me suddenly rushes to my head in a feverish wave and the pain and frustration is too much to stand - I let out an angry shriek and listen as it reverberates off of all of the walls all individually simultaneous. I let myself finally drop down to the ground knowing I'm completely alone - it's a terrible feeling, one I'm all too accustomed to, but it's a state that I'm soft of comfortable with and I'm able to just let myself cry. I sit in the middle of the floor and try to calm down - I need to be able to keep myself in check and it's getting harder and harder and even I'm aware of how dangerous that can be.
*'Faith… look at me…' Xander said between pants as he looked up at Faith straddling him and rocking slowly back and forth as he filled her. He watched her almost in a daze - the sight of her was mesmerizing but he couldn't help but be aware that she wasn't completely with him, she seemed like she was drifting off to be somewhere else, somewhere where everything was just okay. He wanted her to be okay right there with him. 'Faith…'
'Yeah?' she answered in a short breath as he touched her hip with his hand softly.
'Look at me.'
'What?' she asked stopping her motion abruptly as she looked down at him.
'I just wanted you to look at me… I want you to be here with me…'
'I don't think I could be anymore here,' she answered literally squeezing her thighs against him.
'Faith,' he said in a tone that made her really understand that he meant it, 'I swear to you, I would never hurt you.'
In an instant that at any other point in her life she would have saved as a mental note for a laugh later on, she leaned forward causing him to slide even deeper inside of her and she kissed him lovingly on his lips,
'Hold me,' she asked gently as she leaned completely on him wrapping her arms around his neck and sliding her lips right next to his jaw as she rested her head on his shoulder. He brought his arms around her waist and across her back and pulled her closely to him breathing in the smell of her hair and the sweet taste of her skin.
'Forever.'*
I quickly stand up shaking the memory from my thoughts and biting back all the things I want to say in response to the empty promises he made. I do know that I'm not angry at him though - I'm far more angry at myself for actually believing them. I've heard so many lines and promises and lies from dozens before him - why would I fall for them now? I take a deep breath and leave the huge building that encompasses quite a few memories for me. This is L.A., how hard can it be to find a nice guy named Angel? Granted there were probably more than a hundred guys named Angel, but there was probably only one nice guy in all of L.A.
*The Potentials screamed frantically behind him as he carried Faith in his arms up the front path into the Summer's house after they had explored the cavern containing all of the First's weaponry and they met up with a pretty bomb. He held her close to him as he carried her up the stairs and Kennedy ran in front of him and opened the front door for him to enter through.
'Watch out, it's not like she hasn't tried this one before,' he heard a female voice say sarcastically from within the crowd. He refused to connect the voice to Anya's. He refused to connect anything at that moment - he refused to think about the war they were all fighting and that they were all probably going to die fighting, he refused to think of the woman lying in his arms that was so painfully close to death that he couldn't bare to connect with it. He refused to connect with the feelings still closely strung between him and her since the first day they'd met and how she'd always had a small piece in his heart since the day she first touched him. He reached the bedroom upstairs and slowly lowered her onto the bed hearing a soft murmur escape her lips as he did. He lowered him face down to hers - his cheek pressed ever so gently against hers as he breathed her in before standing up again and looking down at her. Her eyes opened slightly and he could hear her fighting for a comfortable breath.
'You like scaring the shit out of me, don't you?' he asked softly. She looked up at him with her tired eyes and the slightest movement of her lips motioned towards the attempt at a small smile. 'Get some rest,' he added forcing himself to exit the room quickly - he couldn't do this now.
Xander rushed inside of the house carrying Faith in his arms - he could feel how limp and beaten she was and her blood soaked clothing was yet another reminder to how close it had come again. Her voice on the telephone had struck a fear inside of him that he hadn't known existed up until that point - he had known fear in his lifetime, but the sound of her voice on the other end of that phone line was the most terrifying thing he had ever experienced.
'It's okay, we're home, you're going to be okay… you are.' He panted nervously as he walked. Even knowing it was just a memory - he knew this was when he had realized that he couldn't lose Faith that way. He knew he wouldn't be able to handle losing her this way and it had just been too many times that he had seen her so close that he couldn't ignore it. Seeing her like that - someone who he had always looked at with a certain amount of awe in his life for being so strong, going through so much, and seeming like she didn't need anything - seeing her in that broken and vulnerable state made a piece of him die, and it killed his hope for a future of better things.
'Xander?'
'Yeah?' he asked gently stroking her face as he looked deeply into her eyes.
'I love you,' she answered with more truth than any words he had ever heard escape her lips.*
"Well Mr. Harris, looking through your file I'm quite happy with your level of experience and acclaim… Mr. Harris?"
"Oh, thank you sir," Xander answered jumping out of his foggy daydream.
"Is everything alright?"
"Umm… yes, Sir, why?'
"I'm just noticing that you seem a little distracted… is there anything that…"
"Personal family problems, I guess you'd call them," he answered trying to rectify the interview.
"What are they? If I may ask…"
"They're personal, sir," he answered. He wasn't good at talking about what had happened with the closest of his friends, he wasn't about to have a sit down with a man he'd never even met before.
"I'd like to know about them if you don't mind Mr. Harris," he answered with his tone a little more stern, "I'm looking for a solid employee, Harris, and a man who seems distracted during an interview while sitting directly across from his boss is a man who is going to be fairly useless on the job when no one is staring straight through him… you're friend whom I spoke to made it sound like you could really use this job, but although your record is quite remarkable, I see someone who's focus is elsewhere. Do you understand my position?"
"Yes, sir, I do and I want to apologize for my distraction. My girlfriend and I recently broke up and she moved out yesterday… I'm sorry for the way I'm acting but I'm a little worried about her."
"Ah, very well - my boy, you have much to learn. Woman come and woman go - it's nothing to groan about. As soon as one goes there are a dozen more readily waiting to replace her… no need for remorse. Woman are fickle things… they don't even know what they want. Hell, I think you're better off without them anyhow."
Xander tried to force a laugh to try and get on the mans good side but his face remained stern and unappreciative of the levity the man found in his situation, which was much darker than he'd ever know.
"Well Harris, I must say you're a good kid to be that concerned about an ex, so I'm going to give you a try, but none of this inattentive crap on the job, understood?"
"Yes, sir," Xander answered; the words barely made it out of his mouth. He couldn't help but think about how Faith would've dealt with him - it would certainly have been comical. She would've called him a dirt bag to his face and much worse behind his back… she probably still would've gotten the job though.
"Seven o'clock, sharp tomorrow morning, Harris, and believe you me, don't be late."
"Yes, sir," he answered. He knew he had to stop thinking about Faith - she was gone and even if she ever did come back again he would be surprised if she even looked at him again.
"Oh, and if that honey of yours shows back up again tonight, make sure to tell her I said hi."
"Yes, sir," he muttered as he walked out of the door - dirt bag.
Faith strolled down the streets of L.A. trying to seem as though she fit in - it was a hard task because as most people said, the great thing about L.A. was that no one fit in and everyone felt like an outcast. Well, that was a role she felt comfortable playing. She was feeling fine until she saw a cop car glide down the street and all of a sudden an immense tension just took over her being. She told herself to relax and breath, but neither were in the radius of her brain and she found herself panting for breath in little over a block.
The car went back up the street again and she turned quickly into the first bar she saw. She walked over to the bar and took a seat on a wooden stool lined up with about a dozen others. It was pretty crowded and there were people talking and dancing. The bartender walked over to her seeing a pretty face and knowing the good ol' rule of thumb - the bar is all about the ladies: where the ladies go, the men with money follow.
"Hi there, princess, what can I get you?" She reached into her pockets and pulled out a dollar and some change and put it down on the bar,
"What can I get for that?"
"Honey, that's not even enough for a bad tip."
"Listen, I'm having a really bad day and-"
"Princess, look around, everyone in here's had a bad day… it's kind of a given."
"Listen, asshole, just give me a fucking beer before I cause a scene in your pretty little bar."
"Okay," the bartender answered giving a direct but subtle nod to the bouncer readily awaiting his call from the corner. "Here you go," he answered picking up a bottle of beer and tossing it over the bar and onto the floor by Faith's feet. He waited till it crashed to the ground before adding, "that'll be six bucks."
"You fucking piece of shit!" she yelled angrily just before her arm was grabbed by the bouncer.
"Miss, why don't we go outside?"
"You don't want to fucking go outside with me," she warned viciously. He grabbed her arm again and she grabbed his shirt over his chest and threw him back against the bar causing the bartender to jump backwards and hit the bottles of liquor lined up on the wall. He couldn't believe she had just sent the ripped and quite large bouncer back about ten feet with one shove, and with a force! She bent down and picked up the broken neck of the beer bottle and flung it back towards the bartender. He jumped sideways just barely avoiding the blow,
"Asshole," Faith muttered as she walked out of the bar.
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
Faith walked down the sidewalk staring at her feet as though it would clear her thoughts. It certainly didn't though - all she could think about was all of the lies she had ever heard uttered in her ear. All of the people who had promised her things, which goes without say that they were never true. So many I love you's it was hard to sort through… the only category they all fell under were lies, empty promises… complete bull shit.
She wiped her eyes unexpectedly feeling them filling with tears - a sound escaped her lips that she didn't think ever had. She whimpered in a broken and defeated tone as she wiped her eyes wishing she could just forget him but she couldn't. She was so strong about every facet of her personality and life that after accepting that she needed someone who she could just relax with and let go, she couldn't go back to pretending she didn't need anybody and that she was just 'five by five'. She walked just off of the main street into a small alley and leaned against the brick wall propping one leg up while she lit a cigarette and pushed her hair out of her face with her other hand. She carefully wiped her eyes again trying not to smear anymore makeup all over her face and trying to rectify what she had smeared. The long drags on the cigarette burned her from the inside out but the tingling, almost dizzy feeling she got with each fresh breath made the pain seem so much like pleasure. She let out a frustrated sigh just as a man was walking down the street and she chided herself silently seeing it caught his attention.
"Miss, it's pretty late… alley's aren't a safe place for a woman like yourself," he greeted respectfully. She was shadowed by the tall building and the reflecting overhead light on the wet pavement due to the rain created an unfocused wall in front of him.
"Whatever," she answered huskily.
"I insist…" he added taking a step closer.
"Well I'm going to insist on kicking your fucking ass if you take another step," she answered angrily. She was in absolutely no mood for dealing with a stupid, L.A. fucking suit who thought he knew everything about dark fucking alleys and night time boogie men. He was the type of creature of the night she feared - give her long fangs and dented foreheads any day over a arrogant, pushy, fucking man.
"Faith?" the man asked as he took another step forward. Faith threw her cigarette down to the ground and stood up tall taking another look at the man in front of her.
"Gunn?"
"Hey there, sweet thing! You remembered my name…"
"I told you I liked it," she answered with a wink. A feeling of confidence flushed through her as she stepped back into her comfort zone. She smiled but then looked at him again, "why in the hell are you dressed that way?"
"Oh, this," he said looking down at his attire. He did look quite a bit different than the last time she had seen him. She remembered him in a baggy pair of jeans, a ripped up tee-shirt topped with a button down solid colored flannel shirt that could fit two other people in it and was longer on him than any skirt she'd ever put on. Now he was standing there in a custom tailored, grey suit with leather loafers and a tie. "Yeah, kind of weird…" he answered suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the change. When he had first met Faith he saw a girl that was all about what he was about - well, except for the whole crazy killer thing. She was a smart talking, street smart chick who didn't mind giving anybody lip and was going to tell you exactly what she wanted to, whether it was on her mind or not.
"That's beyond weird, Gunn. What the fuck is going on?"
"Nothing…" he answered a little confused.
"Don't fuck with me!" she screamed defensively.
"Whoa, whoa," he answered passively stepping back. "What are you talking about, Faith?"
"I'm in no mood to be played right now - what the fuck is going on?"
"Nothing!" he defended, "what are you talking about? Hey, are you okay?" The strained look on her face was enough to notify anyone that she was not far from flipping out, but the question was, why?
"Where the fuck is Angel!?" she screamed desperately. Her head was spinning and her knees felt weak - all she had wanted was a little stability, that's why she dragged her ass all the way to L.A. She convinced herself as she dealt with getting weird looks and guys trying to pick her up the whole way over here that as soon as she crossed the border into L.A. everything would be better because she'd have Angel, and he'd just automatically be able to fix everything. That's what she needed right now.
"Hey, calm down…" Gunn answered soothingly. He didn't know much about Faith - what he heard was enough to silence any man; what he saw was enough for anyone to absolutely admire her. "I'll take you there right now… I just gave them a call, they ordered in pizza. Let's go, come on…"
"I was just there - no one's there. No one's been there for months."
"What? Angel didn't tell you about the move?"
"What move?"
"We're at Wolfram & Hart now…"
"I'm fucking out of here," she answered shortly. Gunn motioned forward instinctively to stop her to explain himself,
"Faith, what-"
"Don't you dare," she warned.
"Faith, calm down!" he said sternly holding his ground. "The whole gangs there," he added, but then sadly it dawned on him that not the *whole* gang was there. "Well, almost…"
"What do you mean?" she asked skeptically.
"Cordelia… she's in a coma."
"Been there - not great."
"Yeah…" There was a long silence that came between both of them, that following tradition Faith broke,
"Wolfram & Hart hired me to kill Angel - I think you're a sad ass liar."
"I know it's awkward, but-"
"Awkward? Last time I saw you I probably could of won money off of you betting you spell awkward - what the fuck? I like you Gunn, but I'm quickly starting to move you into the ordinary fuck category of my life." Unsure of how to receive her comment he thought it over for a minute then continued,
"Faith, last year Wolfram & Hart offered Angel a job to run the L.A. branch however he wanted. We've been working from the inside to fix as much of the crime as we can… I don't know why Angel didn't tell you…"
"Guess it's kind of lonely being the only person on my good list," she muttered almost under her breath. Gunn could just barely decipher what she had said and it was sad. She heard a police siren on one of the far off streets and shrugged, "Fine, trap or not - lets get gone."
"Hey, if I didn't know any better I'd say Faith was still here," Willow greeted walking into what was Faith's bedroom. There were scattered beer bottles around the room - all empty. Xander was lying on the bed nursing one in his hand as he stared at the television. It was on mute and the radio was playing.
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do
Just like we always do
"Xander…" Willow said gently. "Sorry, excuse me… can Xander come out and play," she added jovially.
"Xander's not going to be playing for a while."
"How'd your interview go?"
"It was horrible. He thinks I'm a love sick freak with A.D.D. and he wants to fuck my ex."
"What?" she asked completely confused.
"I got the job."
"See - it'll be good for you, Xander. You need something to help you move on."
"Yeah, another distraction - I've been trying with those. They haven't seemed to help."
"Faith is not a distraction - she's like a drug that takes you under and makes you all euphoric-ie and makes you forget all of the bad stuff that ever happened to you, but then as you get a little dulled to the effects the bad stuff comes back full force and then she only seems to magnify the cracks inside of you and make them worse…"
"Been working on that metaphor long?"
"Maybe… Xander, don't get like this."
"Don't get like what, Will?"
"Don't act like you did when you and Anya broke up! It's when we all drifted apart and the whole Spike and Buffy thing, and Tara…"
"Oh, you mean when I screwed things up with the other girl I loved?"
"You didn't love Faith."
"You say that with such confidence…
"Faith just doesn't seem like the cuddle bunny I picture you with," she answered sardonically.
"How's Kennedy?" Xander asked seeming to have changed the subject in Willow's favor but there is more to be said for that.
"She actually stayed with me last night… I guess that's a good sign. It was kind of sad though - she said she just needed me to hold her and not make her talk about anything. She said she just wanted to forget what happened and she didn't want me to ask her any questions - she just wanted me to hold her… it's not really like her."
"Sounds a hell of a lot like someone else though…" he muttered just barely loud enough for her to decipher what he had mumbled.
"Huh?"
"Will, what'd you do when she asked you to do that?"
"I held her…"
"Did you push her to tell you anything?"
"No… I just held her and told her how much I missed her."
"How'd it make you feel?" Willow thought the question over for a moment in her head and answered,
"It made me feel kind of good - like I was the one person that she wanted to hold her and make her feel like everything was okay."
"Yeah," Xander nodded and took a long pull from his beer. "Made you feel real good…"
As they approached the front entrance to the enormous and quite proudly standing building of the L.A. branch of Wolfram & Hart Faith said to Gunn,
"You know, I really hope you're not playing me - I'm way too high tension right now to deal with a bad joke."
"I noticed the high tension bit actually."
"I don't mean to be a bitch… well, wait, maybe I do," she said as he held the door open for her and she walked through it. As she did alarms immediately resounded loudly throughout the entire building, "I'll kill you if this is bull," she warned viciously immediately taking a defensive stance.
"It's not," he assured her trying to maintain composure. "Eve!" he called seeing her approaching cautiously. "Eve, what the hell are the alarms about?"
"Is this thing with you?" she asked without even glancing over at Faith.
"Thing?" Faith asked in a tone that could've shattered a tombstone.
"She's with me, yes."
"Charles, I know it's Angel's call, but to avoid situations like these you might want to inform the firm when you're bringing," now she glanced quickly over at Faith and repeated, "things, into the building."
"I really wouldn't mind serving more time for taking her out," Faith assured Gunn. He motioned to her to relax with a hand motion. The situation quickly went from tense to taut as a line of men dressed in black and exorbitantly armed lined up around the entrance all facing Faith.
"This is ridiculous," Gunn groaned, "go away!" he said to the soldiers. His tone was more of a whine than an order, a fault in his demeanor Faith loved to get a smirk out of.
"He's such a party pooper," she said winking playfully at one of the soldiers who was now re-sheathing his gun and standing up in a more relaxed manner. He smiled in response and they filed out of the room.
"It's protocol," Eve said strictly before turning and walking away going back to whatever business she was busying herself with earlier.
"Don't mind her, she warms up."
"Angel fuck her yet?" Faith asked watching her until she disappeared behind a door.
"Why do you ask?" he asked curiously, and somewhat impressed that Faith was dead on target.
"You forget, I'm fluent in male, that's yes in a big and numerous times sort of way," she answered bluntly. Gunn laughed in response and continued to led her up the stairs towards Angel's office. Faith certainly walked to her own beat - but damn, if anyone could walk the walk and back it up with a hell of a lot of talk, it was her.
"I smell pizza!" Gunn announced proudly as he walk through the oak doors of Angel's office. Angel looked up from his desk hearing the voice with an automatic smile. He looked over at Gunn walking through the doorway but his smile suddenly disappeared and was replaced with worry as he saw Faith enter behind him. He wasn't sure why he had this reaction, but it was the natural one that came before he could curb or claim it.
"Faith… what are you doing here?" he asked concern overwhelming both his tone and his features. Fred and Wesley quickly looked up from their reading from two of the couches off the center of the room.
"Oh my God, I missed you too, Angel!" she answered not sparing the histrionics.
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
"That's not what I meant…" he explained now walking towards her and Gunn. She looked up at him dully as though he was lucky she was being so patient waiting for something from him. He finally caught on and greeted, "Hello, Faith."
"Hey," she greeted back with a smile now spreading across her face. She walked past him and over to the boxes of pizza stacked on the table. She helped herself to a slice and turned back to the couches and greeted the other, "Hey, Wes," she greeted with respect lining her words subtly as she spoke them. It was a subtlety not lost on Wesley,
"It's nice to see you, Faith."
"Hey there, Fred," she greeted jovially with a wink.
"Hi," she answered with a slight giggle.
"What brings you to town, Faith?" Angel asked not to be distracted from the glitter show she was playing with her smiles.
"A girl can't come for a simple visit?" she asked with a grin as she sank down in his chair behind his desk immediately propping her boots down onto of all of the papers he had been reading through when they arrived. She crossed her legs at the ankles on top of his desk and ate her slice happily.
"So how's everyone doing?" Wesley asked cutting in front of Angel. It was obvious that Faith had bigger reasons for coming all this way without even calling but now was certainly not the time to confront them - he was fairly keen on when to back off of Faith.
"Yeah, how's Buffy, and Willow, and Xander, and Giles…" Fred listed excitedly. It gave her a thrill and a lining of confidence to know that there was actually another team just like them out there working just as hard as they were for the same goal.
"They're all good," she answered plainly. Fred continued talking about something she had heard about Buffy and Angel approached closer to the desk where Faith was sitting,
"Are you good?" he asked with concern.
"Ooo baby, I'm better than you'll ever know," she answered with a sexy wink and smile.
"Faith," he reprimanded quietly,
"I'm just playing," she answered childishly. Faith almost threw her pizza across the room as she watched Spike walk through a wall just a few feet off to her left. "What the fuck!" she yelled. Spike let out a little yelp but quickly regained himself,
"Bloody hell!" he groaned angrily, "I knew those bloody shootin' stars weren't worth day old whiskey! Wrong bloody Slayer, you bloody asshole!" he cursed towards the ceiling. "What the hell're you doing here, baddie?"
"I'm kind of wondering the same about you… you're a fuckin' ghost!" she noticed as he walked through the lamp. "Alright Angel, first you don't tell me about the whole Wolfram & Hart thing and then you don't feel the need to mention this…"
"It just didn't come up…" he explained.
"A lot of that going around," she muttered angrily.
"Yeah, you should've told her I was here - she would've come to visit you sooner," Spike said confidently.
"Spike, Cliquot…" Faith mentioned cryptically. Everyone in the room kind of stopped talking and looked to her waiting for the explanation.
"Huh?" Spike asked angrily confused.
"It's an expensive brand of champagne," she answered without even a trace of a smile on her lips. She allowed the thought to sink into his head then she got up and got herself another pizza. Spike stood there in a slightly mortified state until he found a good point to exit through the nearest wall.
"Champagne?" Angel asked still trying to figure out how Faith got rid of Spike so easily. Was it like a magic word with Spike that just made him leave?
"Yeah," Faith answered nonchalantly.
"Think that trick will work for me?" he asked wondering if at mentioning champagne he could make Spike just leave.
"Maybe," she answered with a devilish smile. It occurred to him suddenly that there was probably some sick sexual reference going on that he wasn't picking up on and he looked back in Faith's direction sternly. Her reaction was a quick raise of the eyebrows as though daring him to inquire further. Before he could either take or refuse the challenge the door to his office opened quickly and Lorne walked in with Eve trailing a few paces behind him.
"Hello, my little-" he stopped mid greeting laying his eyes on Faith behind Angel's desk with her boots rested comfortably on top of his stack of paperwork - that was enough to add to his love for the girl - he practically screeched with excitement, "my beautiful little song bird!" He made his way quickly over to the desk and Faith pulled her feet down and stood receiving an honest and loving embrace from the green demon.
"You look fabulous," he exclaimed, his babbling beginning. "Oh no," he said regretfully, "one of my messengers ran into my office and announced that the most gorgeous woman had just entered the building!" He paused for dramatic effect, "I fired him on the spot knowing Faith wasn't in town… I hope they didn't kill him yet," he added jokingly. The whole room seemed to loosen up a notch with Lorne's presence - no one was aware that there was any tension or discomfort in the room but with Lorne's entrance and the change to a more relaxed room the previous tension became obvious. Faith sat back down behind the desk and resumed her previous position. She laughed at his joke and Lorne seemed to soak up her features. She was very comfortable around the demon - if any human man would've looked at her that way, even if it were just half a second like he just had, she probably would've immediately reprimanded them and left. It wasn't a perverse or weird look, but one that seemed to take in her whole demeanor and study it all in a matter or a single short moment. Lorne picked up on the subtle reaction that really only happened in her head and he added jovially,
"Angel, she looks good behind that desk. I think she should take over your job… you can't beat that pose," he stated holding up his hands like a camera lens as she sat there with her scuffed boots on the desk.
"Yeah, you've got yourself quite the setup here, Angel," she said admiring the entire office at once now from her view. Her eye caught Eve and she muttered towards Lorne,
"Is it in her job description to be a hard-ass?" He laughed, but only slightly since Angel's acute hearing had enabled him to eavesdrop on her comment and he gave a chiding glare in their direction.
"You don't like that quality?" Angel asked.
"Well if I wanted to deal with a stuck up, holier than thou, hard-ass, pain in the ass I could've stayed in bumblefuck with B and had my share…" she answered with a shrug. Angel caught himself before he began reprimanding,
"Faith, this is Eve."
"Faith?" Eve asked quickly.
"What's it to you," Faith asked immediately defensive.
"You've worked for us before," she stated calmly. "I believe it was to… to kill Angel, am I right?"
"You little book worm you," Faith mocked happily.
"Yes," Eve agreed begrudgingly, "I've done lots of reading on *your* file." The tension skyrocketed in the room, "you can learn a lot about a person from their file."
"You can also learn a lot from a person just by looking at their face," Faith snapped.
"So how's setting up the branch of the Council going?" Gunn finally asked jumping between the tongue lashes that were about to begin between the two headstrong woman.
"Don't really know," Faith answered leaving off all formalities now - she was irritated, it wasn't far off from her previous mood, but it was something she didn't want to deal with right now. "I usually stay out of all the… well, all of it. B likes it better that way."
"So what've you spending your time doing?" Wesley asked still concerned that his Slayer, or whatever she could be called in relevance to him, was doing something productive with her time.
"Drinking, smoking, and fu-"
"Sorry I asked," he said cutting her off.
"Who?" Fred jumped in accidentally dying from curiosity. This was the most excitement they had had in a long time that didn't revolve around having to save the world. Faith smiled not wanting to give away how uncomfortable she suddenly became but as she tried to answer her throat seemed to clench so tight she couldn't get anything out. Lorne and Angel both caught her hesitation and Lorne jumped in,
"Faith doesn't tend to kiss and tell…"
"Oh, no I wasn't talking about kissing," Fred explained, but as she realized what was said she shrunk with an embarrassed smile, "Sorry…"
"No problem," Faith answered with a smile, "we'll have to go out on a girl's night and I'll catch you up," she promised. Fred smiled happily and nodded. A conversation formed between Gunn, Wesley, and Fred by the couches and Eve exited the room almost as quietly as Spike had.
"Faith…" Lorne said in a questioning tone approaching the desk again, "is everything alright with you?"
"Five by five," she assured him with a smile.
"I'm glad to hear it," he answered with a smile. "Angel, can I speak with you outside about that boring… project… on radioactive… activity…" Lorne babbled as he walked with Angel slowly out of the office trying not to make it obvious, "by the lake in downtown in the city of Lost Angels-" he finally closed the door behind him. "She's too smart to just get away with saying anything," he said with a sigh. Angel gave him a soft glare seeing Lorne thought he had just been extremely subtle.
"What's up, Lorne?"
"Angel, have you ever seen a wolf?" he asked his tone creeping into his serious, business-like one.
"Yes, I have."
"I think they're fascinating creatures, I really do. They're powerful, respected, vicious, gorgeous animals - there's no doubting that."
"Lorne, unless a wolf is about to walk in the front door, could you please direct this towards your point…" Angel hurried, anxious to return to Faith and try to get some time to talk to her.
"If you've ever touched a wolf you know how dangerous it is to stretch your hand out and touch them… it's even more dangerous if that wolf has been kicked by someone - you're more likely to get your hand ripped off."
"Lorne-"
"Seeing that wolf from far away it might not be too obvious whether it's been kicked before or not… but when you go to touch it you'll know."
"Lorne, I don't underst-"
"Angel, just be careful - she's going to bite." His final statement made his suspicion final that he was definitely talking about Faith. He looked deeply at Lorne, now wanting any information out of him that he was not caring how cryptic it might be. "I don't know who kicked her, but when they did they knocked her to the ground."
"How do you know?" Angel asked not doubting him, but just wanting to be sure. "She didn't sing or anything…"
"Angel, I'm not saying this from a special powers point of view, this is coming from someone who's watched a lot of pained people, and to me, Faith's one of the more glaringly pained ones… I didn't need to hear her sing, Angel, all I had to do was walk into the same room as her. The only reason you didn't pick up on it first was because you don't want to believe she's back to that part of her life where she's hurting. You want to look at her and believe her when she pretends everything fine…
"What should I do?" he asked needing guidance knowing how right Lorne was.
"Just be careful… she's gonna bite."
"Morning," Wendy greeted as she walked into the kitchen and was slightly surprised to see Kennedy leaning against the wall holding a cup. She heard a mutter of a greeting and she continued with her usual routine.
Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!
Kennedy felt like she had been out drinking all week - her face felt like it was swollen and her eyes felt like they were barely open. It seemed like everyone was talking around her but they sounded far away and high pitched, talking a mile a minute in a way she couldn't have understood even if she actually was in the least interested in what any of them were saying. Inside she felt like a huge gapping hole that was completely empty and the silence echoed inside of her.
She had been in the kitchen for at least the last two hours just pacing and sitting and staring. Willow and her hadn't gotten in a fight, but Willow had gotten frustrated with the way she was acting and asked her if she was, 'in love with Faith, or something?' and she immediately answered it wasn't anything like that, but the thought stuck in her head. She knew she had an attachment to her but she hadn't thought it was in that way… was it? The thought nagged at her painfully as she thought over it in the kitchen.
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Mistakes like friends do
Xander sat in bed - Faith's bed - a somewhat telling sign, staring down at his feet. He was never a person who couldn't admit when they felt something and right now all he felt was empty. He couldn't help but drift off into a slight daze since he hadn't had much more rest than that all night. He had woken up more exhausted then he had lain down from his constant tossing and turning and waking. He glanced up at the television off in the corner of the room which hadn't been touched in what seemed to be such a long time. Drifting into his daydream he remembered one of his fondest memories:
He was sitting in a spot on the bed very similar to the one he was actually in right now. Faith was sitting in between his legs lying back on his chest facing the television, as was he, and he had his hands rested protectively over her waist and hips. The most amazing thing about the memory was how he could remember the feeling of it, which was really the memorable thing about it. He felt the comforting feeling that he had felt that night - lying there with her that night he felt like the luckiest man in the world. He had Faith, not only the most gorgeous girl he had ever laid eyes on, but also the most unattainable in the way he had her right now. There were very few things he had done with Faith that he could even begin to think that it was the first time she'd done it with anyone else - but lying there with someone in such a loving, but unplanned way was something he was almost sure she had never had before.
He could remember everything about that memory - the way her hair smelled like fresh honey and flowers, the way her skin felt soft and relaxed under his fingertips, the way her breath glided in time with his, the way she fit so perfectly against him as though they were two pieces to a jig-saw puzzle. But he knew what was the best part of the memory:
He had gone into the bedroom first that night and started flipping channels sitting up on the bed as he was described. He watched a few info-mercials and music videos of songs he had never heard before until Faith came in. She had three Corona's held in one hand - each bottle neck between different fingers and a pack of cigarettes and a lighter held in the other. She walked into the room swaying her hips back and forth as she walked over to the side of the bed and put two of the three down on the floor. He sat there and she looked over at him - her expression became still and looked as though she were contemplating whether to go sit with him or not, as though he might tell her he didn't want her there.
Thinking back on it that look was burned deeply into his memory as he realized how big of an ass he had been being around that time. He had been very cold and closed to her - no wonder she wasn't sure whether she should go sit with him or not. That night, seeing such a soft look on her face he opened his hand out to her and asked softly,
"Come sit with me?" She smiled softly at his request and walked over to the bed and kissed him so softly on his lips before sliding carefully onto his lap in the described position. But this still wasn't the best part of the memory - it was the feeling he got when he saw her put her beer, one which was only missing about half of a sip from it onto the floor, and when he heard the pack of cigarettes and lighter uniformly land on the ground next to it. As soon as it registered in his mind what she had done he felt her nestle into him a little deeper and he slid his hands around her waist.
Xander pressed both his lips painfully between his teeth and clenched his eyes shut for a moment as he remembered how wonderful he felt waking up with her the next morning still in the same position, except with her slightly turned on her side on his chest. He grabbed his face in his hands trying to stifle the tears he felt welling up. He knew all too well why he was crying too - being with her completely, having all of her, the good and the bad, the open and the hidden, the confident and the insecure, the sexy and the loving - it was a feeling he had never felt before and he knew it was a feeling he was never going to feel again. There was nothing he could do to win back that trust that he had shattered - he doubted there was any one in the world that would be able to be that person for her again.
Angel walked into the guest bedroom after being invited in after knocking. Faith was sitting on the bottom corner of the bed aimlessly folding a shirt extremely meticulously so it would take longer. It was purely something she was doing to waste time because glancing over at her bag of clothes on the floor - Faith didn't fold her clothes.
"So, is there anything you want to talk about?" he asked.
"No, why?"
"Just wondering… you look like you do."
"No," she lied with a soft shrug. Faith could be a deceptive person - it was part of what got her so deep into trouble, but generally it didn't affect him, because strangely, he seemed to understand her better than she did sometimes.
"Well, I was about to go do some training and I was wondering if you'd accompany me."
"So now you're going to try and beat it out of me," she joked.
"Last resort…"
"I think I'm going to pass," she answered much to his shock!
"Faith, that's like marking K on a four choice multiple choice test… it's not an option."
"So that's why I didn't pass…" she groaned jovially.
"Come on, it'll be good for you."
"There's nothing wrong with me," she snapped.
"You need a good release, Faith."
"Not really something you can help me with…"
"There are two things that get you," he answered unmoved by her statement.
"Point me towards something to kill, I'm all for it, but I'm not going to get all sweaty for nothing."
"Training isn't for nothing-"
"I just don't feel like it."
"I think you really need it," Angel pushed. He could see her getting angry with his constant pushing but it was kind of his intent.
My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
Made the same mistakes
"Whatever," she muttered standing up from the bed heading towards her bag to put the now perfectly folded shirt on top of the pile of strewn clothing. Angel knew having a good spar was probably the only thing that was going to finally let Faith let go - the way she was holding everything in had gotten to the point where it was a major concern for him. As she stood Angel sent a slow roundhouse kick up towards the side of her face. He sent the kick firmly but very slowly expecting her to avoid it without even blinking, and as he did so he regretted it, realizing she would probably send a counter-attack on him and he would be the one on his back. Shock was probably the best way to describe his emotion when he made contact with her face and sent her straight to the ground where she remained without a single movement other then a frustrated grimace.
He stood a few paces away looking down at her wondering what to do next. He saw a trickling of blood coming across her forehead, the scratch from where he had contacted her forehead with his boot right in front of her temple.
"Not exactly on the top of your game, are you?" he joke not wanting to seem too concerned knowing she would only get defensive if he did. She didn't answer and something began to concern him even more, "Faith, get up."
"I don't want to anymore," she mumbled angrily. She finally got up without any hurry but the furious expression on her face was blatantly obvious.
"I think training is exactly what you need," Angel pressed again. She was ignoring him now - walking away from him in the room stopping in front of the mirror and touching the blood on her face with a single finger. Angel watched, concerned with how fascinated she seemed to be watching the trickling stream mingle with her eyebrow and slowly continue the line. "Let's go… you're angry, I hit you… you should be angry… hit me," he pushed. She didn't do more than give him a dirty look before busying herself aimlessly with other small things around her room.
"Faith, hit me!" he challenged.
"You're being retarded," she answered. He sent another punch towards her face this time even slower and not as strong but it still shocked him when it made contact with her face. "Can you stop?" she asked angrily - frustrated that he was really focused on getting her to fight.
"Can you fight?" he asked, truly unsure of the answer to that now. He sent another kick, this time not sparing the speed or force knowing she was watching him as he did so. She barely pulled away and he contacted her jaw with his foot and sent her straight to the floor again. She leaned up on her elbow as she touched her sore jaw still on the floor.
Xander walked in from the garage rubbing his hands against his arms trying to warm up. It was a little too windy for just the tee shirt he was wearing but he hadn't expected the stop he made - the bar. He glanced down at his watch and it was getting close to eleven.
"Where you been?" Kennedy asked sharply as he entered the kitchen.
"You patrolling the house now?"
"No, I was just wondering if you were fucking around with other chicks yet," she answered flatly.
"What!?" he asked angrily.
"I'm just thinking," she began in a tone that was wicked enough to compete with Faith on some occasions, "Faith probably had you spoiled… you probably going through lots of withdrawal."
"Kennedy, what the hell are you talking about?" he asked insulted that he was being thought of that way.
"Okay, to put it bluntly, I'm just saying it wouldn't surprise me if you were out sleeping around with other chicks already."
"Why would I do that? And what would you have to do with it even if I were?"
"So you are?"
"No."
"Whatever."
"I'm not! And why would you think I was?"
"Anyone who could do what you did to Faith… don't act like you're above fucking around… in my book, you ain't above much."
"Okay, I get that you hate me… like in a completely big way… but-"
"No, you can just stop there. I hate you, that's basically it."
"Kennedy… it's hard for you to understand…"
"So make me understand!"
"I don't think I could…"
"I was on the same page with Faith for a while, I think you're little sob story will be pretty easy…"
"It's not a sob story!"
"Oh yeah, you're right, it's not because you never cried… hell, do you even feel bad? You're probably like every other fucking pig she's been with! 'Faith who?' You're such a-"
"Kennedy, there's a lot more to it then that."
"Well, that's the only part of the plan you told Faith, so why don't you try and figure out the other half so you can bull shit through it for me…"
"You seem completely convinced that this didn't affect me at all…"
"Sorry, I'm just sort of working off of comparison here, and well, looking at Faith who started drinking and doing god only knows what else till all hours of the night before coming home and sleeping for a few days and never come out of her room or talking to anyone… oh and let me not forget how she cried constantly! She stopped eating and… oh here's a good one, SHE LEFT! Sorry, but all I've seen from you are normal everyday routines where you wake up, chat it up with everyone else, go over to the other house with Buffy and help her out all day or disappear at your new job, which by the way isn't as good of a distraction as Faith was, right?" she added snidely, "… then come home and have dinner and laugh and joke with everyone! Comparing you to Faith - you're not affected."
"We all have our own way of dealing with things…"
"Ooo, I know how this one goes!" she mocked, "we all deal with things differently, you know, like, not deal with them at all, and then some assholes like me, we use girls like Faith to fuck around with and completely mess up emotionally so I can pretend to get over my dead fucking ex-girlfriend. But in the end I feel bad for using her so I *tell* her I'm using her and that every time I ever told her I loved her, oh, I was just full of fucking shit! Sorry if that completely destroys the only foundation you've been living on since you tried to recover from being in jail for a few years!!!"
Kennedy was heated! There was just no other way to describe it and Xander suddenly found himself on very familiar and uncomfortable ground; standing in front of an extremely angry Slayer. Why was he always the one put right here?
"What the hell is the matter with you?"
"Get up," he demanded firmly - his tone was only an attempt to mask how nervous he was becoming. Never had he seen Faith confronted with a challenge and been so passive. Something was definitely wrong.
"Get out," she counter-demanded. She got to her feet again seeming indifferent to the fact that he had just hit her *again*. She walked back over to the mirror looking at both of the marks on her face now.
"Faith! You feel that feeling inside of you right now - you've got to start letting it out. You're going to explode if you don't. You're not dealing with your emotions you're just suppressing them and it's dangerous, especially for you. Just let it out…"
"Trust me, you don't want to see what's inside of me."
"I remember…" Angel began to recap on a past memory and he hesitated knowing it probably wasn't prudent to bring up things from that time, but he continued knowing he was too far into it to quit now. "I remember when Buffy said she never knew you had so much rage inside of you… Faith, I know," he assured her.
"Yay for you, really… but I hate to break it to you - I think absolutely everyone else has figure out I'm kind of fucked up too."
Before everything that had happened between her and Xander she probably would've been extremely appreciative to the caring and protective nature he was treating her with. But she was very affected by what happened between her and Xander - and trust was far more of a fragile area now than a crumbling egg shell. She didn't want anyone to care about her, look after her, worry about her; none of it. It was all a bunch of crap that just got your hopes up so you could be let down. She was reverting back to her old life motto - if you don't give a shit about anything, nothing that happens matters. Life will come and go and it'll never touch you - you'll never be burned.
She had a lot of time to think while she was in prison - actually it was all she had to do. And in that time she had changed the way she thought; she convinced herself that there were people she could trust and that wanted good things for her. She thought about a lot of stuff while she was in there, but the main thing was that she knew she didn't want to be alone anymore. She wanted someone to love her and someone who she could love. She hadn't decided that if she got out she'd beeline for a boy-toy, but she had forced herself to be open to the idea. For a girl with all the features Faith had, as soon as she was open to the idea, the opportunities were lined up. But now she was back where she started - uncaring, hurt, and wanting to just be alone. She actually chided herself for thinking she could be in a relationship of any kind; she was right back where she started, except worse - now she was hurt too.
"Whoa, I know you're not exactly the most predictable person, but that wasn't even out of left field… that was out of outer space, Faith. Just yesterday you were Miss Sociable, now you're being blank, cynical, and-"
"Come on, you know nastier words then those," she said cutting him off.
"What's this about!?"
"Oh come on, I may not be too bright, but I'm not fucking stupid, Angel! You and Lorne didn't just walk out of there yesterday to talk about some bull shit reports…"
"Faith, we were just-"
"No, I'm not saying you shouldn't talk, but-"
"Faith, now you're just not making any sense."
"Angel, just be fucking straight with me. I don't like being played with…" she stated - trying to make her voice strong but she failed as several cracks dispersed throughout the phrase. Her demand was subtle but very telling to why she was feeling so… off.
"He's worried about you… you mean a lot to him and-"
"Yeah, right," she muttered disdainfully.
"Faith, he sat with you while you were coasting away on your little drug trip, or have we forgotten your latest suicide attempt," he added with a small amount of levity trying to brighten to the mood in the room. "He cares about you… we all do."
"Well spare the trouble."
"Faith, what is up with you!?" he demanded to know running short of patience. He had fairly endless patience when it came to Faith, but he didn't even know what end-zone she was running for.
"Angel, I'm sorry," she apologized taking a deep breath and trying to start over. She walked in an obtuse circle trying to clear her head just enough to see her next footfall. Lately she felt like she couldn't even see that far and she was just taking steps down a treacherous path without looking as to where her foot might land.
"I just want to help… I'm here for you," he added, "even if I do kick you in the face occasionally…" He couldn't help but feel a little guilty for the slow motion assault as he saw the state it put her face in. The bleeding had already stopped and was just slightly darkened around the impact areas. He tried to read her expression for hints as to what could be wrong - there were so many possibilities. He knew how hard going back to Sunnydale was for her - being around Buffy and Giles and Willow, Xander, and probably a bunch of others he didn't even know she knew there.
"Feel free to kick me in the face anytime, really. I need a good kick… pretty often, actually," she commented as she touched her sore cheek. She almost felt like she deserved every pain she got for everything she had inflicted on others.
"Is it Buffy?" She shrugged,
"I can't say it's not… it's always going to be Buffy. Nothing I say to her is going to change what I did. Hell, if I were her I'd hate me too."
"So things with you two aren't great?"
"We're not really talking too much."
"Why am I getting the scary vibe that that's the least of your problems? It's a really scary vibe, Faith…"
"I… I guess… it's because… I don't know." She knew talking to Angel always made her feel better and he always knew how to help her sort it out. He was someone who wasn't just going to tell her the easy fix, he would tell her the right one, even if it was the harder way. But there was just this block inside of her that made her never able to just come out and talk with him.
"Well, what's up with Giles? Is he okay with having you back on the team?"
"Giles is cool. I mean, yeah, I look at him watching me and he doesn't look at me like a proud Watcher or anything, but he's okay with having me around."
"Are Willow and you as close as you used to be?" he asked jokingly. It didn't take a genius to see the tension between those two. It was obvious the battle for Buffy was mainly fought between them.
"Oh yeah, she's always eager to put in a good word for me." She added the last phrase under her breath knowing it was just a hunch and not based on any fact other than how she felt, "…and how great it was to stay with me…"
"What?"
"Nothing…"
"Okay…" Angel answered passively knowing he was about to stick his face right in front of that wolf Lorne was talking about, "then what about you and Xander?" The room fell silent for several long moments and Angel finally pushed again, "you two seemed really good when I came down… it's still good, right?" He watched her face carefully and it made his stomach twist as he saw the pain filling her face like blood pools a wound. Knowing he had made the plunge he knew he had to twist it, "everything is still good with you guys, right?"
"Yeah, it's great… that's why I left and came here, Angel…" she answered sarcastically. The fact that her level of volume had decreased by several scores was a major indication that he had finally hit the nail on the head. It was his main suspicion, but as Lorne had suggested, walk around and sit with the wolf before you go reaching your hand out to get bitten.
"So things are bad? What happened…"
"Angel, I don't want to talk about it, okay…" she begged, her tone shifting suddenly to an insecure and almost panicked child.
"The look on your face is enough to make me see just how much you're hurting, Faith…"
"I just don't want to talk about it," she repeated shaking her head.
"You came here because you want to talk…" he reminded her.
"Just make it stop hurting."
"Talk to me, Faith…" he soothed as he walked closer to her and sat on the bed willing to stay there forever if that's what it took for her to talk to him.
"Kennedy, what do you want me to say?" Xander asked knowing everything she said had been through his head a million times already because he had already chided himself for everything she was so determined to remind him of. She paused for a moment thinking of what she really wanted to hear from him then answered,
"I want to know if you really loved her. I know you said it was all fake, but I don't know if I believe you. I don't know if Faith would've been deceived so easily on such fragile ground for her. She wasn't exactly eager to have that kind of connection with anyone, I doubt she'd have overlooked the fact that you're a sad ass liar."
"I do love her. I really do… but I can't lose someone again."
"Why would you lose her?"
"She's a Slayer… she's out there fighting all of the time and she's *not* careful! She'll either wined up dead or… she could get arrested! If she were arrested she'd be put away forever. They'd take her away from me and never let me have her back again…"
"So you feel better about pushing her away yourself instead of letting someone else take her?"
"She's come too close too many times… I lost Anya, and I never saw Anya so close… and certainly never that many times."
"You left her because you just didn't want to care about anyone that much anymore…"
"I guess so… I just didn't want to care because then I can't get hurt. After me and Anya split, as if that didn't hurt enough, she was all hot and heavy with Spike, and… I just don't want to feel that way about anyone again. It hurt enough the first time around… I don't know how it got so far with Faith before I took a breath and realized how deeply underwater I was."
"So if Faith gets with some other guy you're going to wig out?"
"I won't. That's why I ended it. We didn't break up, we stopped everything. I don't want to get jealous when I see other people look at her… I don't want to feel bad when I see her cry… I don't want to feel like I'm an inch away from killing myself if anything happens to her…"
"Whatever," Kennedy answered not willing to feel sorry for him at all. She knew where he was coming from - he was coming from a place of pain and sorrow and anger. But Faith was coming from so much more and he just pulled the ground out from underneath her. "I'm guessing you won't have to worry about the guy thing… Faith probably won't even let another guy touch her."
"Wishful thinking on my behalf."
"I'm serious - she's not going to like the way it feels when someone else touches her… they'll never have what you did. She actually trusted you… she'd give you anything… no one else is going to come close to that and she's not going to want them to. She's not going to let another person near her… don't you worry," she muttered angrily.
Angel walked into his office with an angry huff sending both doors swinging to their maximum against the hinges that held them. Eve had been down the hallway doing a little late night business in the firm and she heard him. It was always obvious when it was Angel - no one made an entrance quite like he did, especially when he was angry.
"Is everything alright?" she asked cautiously as she stood in the doorway still half hidden by the door. Angel looked up at her briefly then continued to mess around his desk. "Angel?"
"It's fine." His tone was short and furious.
"You're right, it looks that way," she answered sarcastically now walking into the office and sitting down across from his desk.
"Eve, now is not a good time, okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"A lot of things, okay?" he answered angrily as he grabbed his leather coat off of the back of his chair.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Yeah," he answered putting his coat on, "hold my calls… I'll be back tomorrow."
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Wesley walked through the halls of Wolfram & Hart just as the early bloomers were starting to arrive to begin another day of work. He walked as he always did when he felt this way - the walk could be described… the emotion can't. He held his cup of tea in one hand and under and on the other were numerous files with heaps of paper carefully organized within each. He walked past Harmony's secretarial desk as he did every morning just to have his first smile of the day. Usually as he passed the empty desk at seven o'clock in the morning, which should contain Angel's, slightly irresponsible and always fashionable late, secretary a smile came to his lips.
This morning was different though. He passed the desk just the same but the effect didn't take place inside of him. He felt differently - Faith was here. He wasn't sure of many things when the subject matter was relevant to Faith; all except for one thing. He knew that presently, although he felt differently with her around, it wasn't a bad feeling. He was Faith's Watcher and deep down inside he knew, he loved her. He had watched her through so much… he had fallen short so many times when he could have caught her and helped her keep from slipping… but he admitted it, there were several shortcomings in his career with her. He knew her at a time in her life when she was her sickest. He remembered just thinking of her as, 'a sick, sick girl…' and there wasn't anything he knew of that could ever change that.
Wesley was aware of his courage when he was at Sunnydale. He wasn't a liar, he could admit that he wasn't scared of too much… But he would also admit, Faith had deeply and truly terrified him. Being at her mercy and having her take absolutely none on him was just an experience he would never forget - he would never look at another single human being the same way ever again.
Fate. It was something Faith had challenged him to question during a dark time in her life. Was all of this just a matter of Fate? As he watched the mangled, hurt, and it could even possibly be said, destroyed girl who had nothing but herself in this world, or at least that's how she felt. Faith could stir up emotions in him better than anyone could but he knew for sure, right now he was proud of her. She had been through more than most people could ever live through and as soon as he called on her… like a Watcher should to his Slayer, she responded and did as much as she could do to do his request. She had gone to Sunnydale and now she was back… the reason was still unclear, but it was obvious to him that she had an emptiness about her that she usually never had. There was a gap that seemed to stand around her like a moat that no one would ever dare cross.
Wesley sat behind his desk in his office leaving the door ajar as he usually did until around quarter to nine when people would begin to really bustle around, then he would succumb to the noise and close himself away from all of the people he had claimed he was there to help. He sipped at his tea and noted he hadn't put enough sugar in it. His expression must've shown his slight displeasure in quite a comical way. He settled down into his chair to prepare for what the day would bring. Around here it was never quite sure - government officials, rowdy office workers, unhappy clients, potential demonic clientele, and who knows, maybe even an apocalypse.
The phone rang in a way that seemed to mock him. He was sure it would bring bad news, or at least news that would make it so he'd have to leave his chair, but yet the phone sang it's call happily. He picked up the receiver and greeted,
"Hello, this is-… Ah, yes, hello… Oh, I didn't even know you were gone… is everything alright?... Not a problem… Cheers."
He hung up the phone and tried to begin on his paper work. He busied himself for a duration of time that he couldn't judge the length of before he looked up from his desk. His eyes wandered through his office doorway and out onto the hallway of office workers. He took another sip from his tea and he finally was given his first smile of the day which had been denied to him earlier. A soft smile spread about his features as he watched Faith walking through the medley of office workers, all completely different looking, different species, not to mention all going in different directions and at different speeds.
The first object of his humor was the clear contrast between everyone's attire against hers. The majority of workers were in suits or professional dresses with their carefully dried, combed, and styled hair: either in a neat and almost slicked back bun for the ladies, or the closely cut and gelled short cuts for the men. Faith walked directly through this sea of people making them stop in their tracks to accommodate her pace and direction. She appeared as though she had slept in the clothes she was wearing - a ribbed, white, men's underwear tank top and a pair of sweatpants that looked to have paint stains on them and were cut off by a scissor about half way up the shin. Her hair was messy and thrown to the side of her head with a stray clip leaving several strands directly in her face.
The second part that brought him humor was the makeup. All of the workers had spent much time to apply their makeup in a way to make it look like they hadn't put any on but in reality it had taken much more to appear that way. Faith had smeared, black eye makeup that must've been put on a day and a half before the way it looked. It strangely didn't make her look bad at all, Wesley had to note, it just made her look tired. Although initially it was something he had found humor in, he remembered the last time he had seen Faith looking so tired… not something he wished to live through again. It didn't so much worry him as much as sadden him that she might be close to that again.
Wesley realized he must've been working for quite some time seeing that Harmony was now stationed at her desk. Faith stopped briefly there…
"Excuse me," Harmony chimed in as Faith walked towards Angel's office door before talking with her first. "Excuse me, you can't go in there…"
"Yeah I can," Faith answered quickly.
"Do you have an appointment?"
"Wow, Angel's a stuck up business man now, isn't he?"
"You can't go in there without an appointment," Harmony stated again.
"I have one," Faith answered holding a completely straight face.
"Oh really?" Harmony asked, immediately changing her tone. "Well, I'm sorry, you know, sometimes a girl just gets too busy to write things down… Angel gets so mad! I mean, give a girl a break, these nails," she said holding them up for show, "they're high maintenance!"
Faith offered a smile then abruptly walked away from Harmony and into Angel's office. The chick was lucky she didn't just receive a stake to the heart. As she had been walking to go into the office she felt a vamp walking up behind her and she was just about to grab the stake she had on her just under her waist band of her sweat pants.
"And I thought Sunnydale was weird…" she muttered as she walked into Angel's office. He wasn't there, which she thought was odd, but she didn't think too much of it. It was too early for her to have much comprehensive thought - anyone but Angel's bimbo secretary would've called her extremely delayed bluff about having an appointment.
She walked over to Angel's desk and glanced down at the papers that were on it trying to busy her mind on something. Without a seconds hesitation she sat down behind his desk and propped her feet up on the desk. Looking out on the city of Los Angeles was a thrill in itself… it was wicked cool. She leaned back comfortably into the overstuffed leather chair and let herself drift off slightly. She hadn't gotten much sleep that night, obviously by the look of her, because even though she hadn't talked much on the subject with Angel, after he left, not to mention quite upset, there was little else on her mind for the rest of the night. It kind of worried her that the last she had seen of Angel he was that upset and now he wasn't here but she wasn't going to let herself stress about another thing on top of everything else. Obviously he hadn't been outwardly upset in front of her, but she saw right through his strong, broody personality and saw that he was… well, upset!
She hadn't told him everything… it would've taken forever, not to mention that she probably wouldn't have lived through talking through it all. She had only talked enough for Angel to know for sure what had happened before it became obvious that he wanted to leave. He hadn't come in prepared for what was in store for him and the way he was acting made it obvious that he would prefer to learn more information when he was better prepared to handle the details. But it was definitely those details that remained in her mind all night that stole her sleep away from her.
As she sat in the nice leather seat - a seat that reminded her of sitting in a hot muscle car waiting to rip away at over a hundred miles an hour. The sun was shining but she couldn't feel it - probably because of the special glass - but there must've been some artificial heat source that tried to imitate the sun's heat. She stared out the window at the city beneath and at the clouds that rolled by at will. She had been trying to push the details of Xander out of her head all night long, and feeling that since it was daytime with the sun out, she was somehow safe from the pain that the memories might cause, she allowed herself to fade into them as she stared only at the window. She wasn't about to let herself turn into Buffy over this - there was no reason she couldn't remember the awesome parts of it, just cause it 'was wrong'. That wasn't her style and she had lost enough - she wasn't about to put that last ounce of herself on the line.
*She ran her fingertips slowly up and down the crease in the middle of Xander's chest running from his throat down to, well… She was lying on top of him with her head rested partly on his chest and her hair running onto his shoulder. She lazily fondled his chest with her fingertips as a soft way to wake him up. They had spent the entire night together… it had been one of the first times Faith had let herself be completely and totally in love with him and show him all night long. It was during the unfortunately short time between when Faith was allowing him in and before he began to completely shut her out. Each had their own defense mechanisms, but that wasn't what she was concerned with in this daydream.
He showed her that he had woken up by gently running his fingertips up and down her upper arm, which was hooked behind his head lying between the bed and the back of his neck. His touch was so gentle and affected her so much that goose-bumps quickly spread on the surface of her arm, almost before she even realized he was touching her. He felt her smile against his skin then soon after felt her lips caress his skin with soft kisses on his neck. He smiled and grabbed her waist. She lifted her upper-body and looked down into his eyes sharing in his warm smile.
'I could just look at you forever,' he admitted wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her down closer to him.
'Forever?' she asked doubtingly.
'Forever…' he assured her with a smile. 'I wish I could have you that long.' With that she leaned down to him and kissed him deeply running her tongue along his - not in the way she did sometimes - but in a way that was soft and sensual, yielding herself completely to him. She finally lifted her lips away from his - just separating the two by mere centimeters.*
Wesley looked up from his desk again, probably the fifth time in the last, say minute… He couldn't help but let out a boyish giggle as he saw Faith sit down at Angel's desk. She seemed to sit there quite comfortably. He would've gone in and told her Angel was out and had just called in and probably wouldn't be in till tomorrow or the next day, but the scene was too cute to pass up. Watching her was like watching a child playing in their father's office pretending to be like him, except in a far more… Faith, way.
*How they had managed to actually get out of bed that morning was an amazing feat that both of them never thought they were going to be able to accomplish. When one of them actually got up enough enthusiasm to stand up, the other usually used their enthusiasm to kiss the other and therefore thwart any plans they had at moving. But in the end they both prevailed and managed to stumble into the kitchen while still fawning over each other. As they walked they walked together, it was quite a cute sight.
Fairly sure that no one was awake or moving about yet in the house they were comfortable showing their affection for each other outside of the bedroom. Xander had his arms wrapped around Faith's waist tightly as she walked with him holding his arm inside of both of hers. She had never done anything like that with anyone. The fact that she was even actually talking with someone after spending the night together… that was amazing in and of itself! But they were together. Like really together… it was the best feeling she had ever had before. She had someone and she belonged to someone. She had someone who loved her and wanted to take care of her. It was really never something she had before.
They walked into the kitchen and Xander began to pour a cup of coffee. Faith stood next to him with her head resting on his shoulder fairly sure the cup of coffee was going to be for her. It was in the cup that she usually grabbed and he was fixing it like she liked it. She watched him passively as she rested against him. After stirring the mixture together and putting the spoon back in the sink he picked up the mug. Becoming a little more unsure Faith watched him, assuming he would offer her the cup. Jokingly he brought the cup by her lips and then over to his where he sipped at it.
'Hey, that's mine,' she whined.
'No,' he defended playfully as he held the cup out of her reach. 'It's mine…'
Kennedy watched the playful event from the steps and couldn't help the huge smile that spread across her features as she watched the undeniable cuteness that these two had together. They had a deep connection with each other but they were also able to have the cute things too… it was pretty close to amazing for her.
'Fine,' Faith feigned, turning away like she wasn't interested anymore. Xander stepped closer to her to retrieve her good humor and an even bigger smile spread across his face as she quickly spun around and grabbed the cup out of his hands and was running across the kitchen drinking before he could even smile.
'No fair, slayer advantage!' he defended running after her.
'No such thing,' she claimed as she sipped at the coffee mockingly again. She maneuvered her way around the kitchen keeping a table or a chair between her and Xander so that she could have the maximum drinking time with the minimum running time. Both were laughing uncontrollably - it was amazing to Xander that Faith was still able to drink the coffee so quickly while she was laughing like that. Kennedy found it hard not to laugh from her perch where she was watching from, but she forced it with her hand over her mouth wanting to be able to watch them and not get caught.
Xander decided to use the same tactic Faith had and he returned to the counter appearing defeated and filling another cup of coffee. Faith approached him, still very cautiously, knowing there was no way he had just let her win. She walked up to him holding the cup (that was now sufficiently empty) as far behind her as she could pretending it was still something he might want to get from her. She touched his arm delicately with her body and let out a quick whimper as he spun around, grabbing her around her waist and pushing her playfully against the wall. She smiled back at him and held up the empty mug proudly. He leaned his face forward to look down into the mug and instead of looking in it he quickly pushed forward again and kissed her. She kissed him back through a wide smile.
He parted his lips from hers and motioned to back up a step to allow her off of the wall he had pushed her up against. She quickly grabbed his lower back with her hand and held him close to her. A sparkle seemed to rush through her entire body and he needed to kiss her again, and again, and again.
'Don't…' she pleaded as he tried to move away. He smiled brightly back at her,
'You know, we did just spend an entire night together…' he teased. 'You better be careful, some people might start to think you actually have a thing for me…' He motioned carefully for her to look behind her to where he was looking, which she did and she got a quick glance at Kennedy already heading back up the stairs thinking she avoided getting spotted. Faith turned back to Xander with a smile,
'We spent the *whole* night together?' she asked mischievously.
'Yes we did,' he answered proudly.
'That's funny… I already forgot,' she teased as she stepped back slightly leaving just small enough of a gap between them for him to realize how much he never wanted to stop touching her. 'You might just have to remind me again,' she added taking another small step back. He took a large step forward towards her and kissed her again running his hands down the sides of her waist and over her hips. Even he was surprised when Faith skillfully raised her legs under his hands and ended up straddling his waist with him holding her up. She leaned down to him now and kissed him passionately. He held her tightly up against him and squeezed her ass as she rocked herself against him rhythmically pushing her breasts slightly into his face as she did. His breath quickly accelerated and he asked,
'Here?'
'As long as it's now,' she answered in a tone that was almost desperate. As much as she could get him going, he could get her going just as much, which was almost more of an accomplishment.
'Now?' he asked teasingly.
'Yeah,' she whined. She couldn't believe he could still be joking around and even though she was only being held up by him she could barely keep her thoughts straight. She was close to panting as she moved against him slowly and kissed his lips. She teased his lips between hers and then pulled his lower one out with her teeth. Finally releasing it she soothed it by running her tongue over it gently then kissed it softly before again pulling at it.
She didn't even know what he was doing - she even ventured to think that he was just standing there and loving what she was doing but not doing anything himself. She wanted him so badly though that she couldn't move him along, scared she might just melt if she did anything but kiss him.
'Xander,' she panted, now close to complaining that he hadn't done anything to make her less antsy, but as his name left her lips he slid her baggy boxer shorts, or more correctly, his boxer shorts that she was wearing, to the side and slid into her slowly as he held her up with her back leaning against the wall. She almost screamed from pleasure but somehow curbed herself knowing the entire house would immediately be down there either to see if everything was alright or knowing exactly what was going on. It didn't bother her much either way - give the kids a few pointers maybe…
Xander almost lost himself right on contact that time - the feeling of her surprise but extreme pleasure and the fact that this position had been something he had only dreamed about. He was holding her as he loved her - it was definitely a major ego boost for him and she knew it and was getting off on it. He slid slowly in and out of her squeezing her closer to him with each stroke with his hands as he breathed hot air onto her breasts which were just under eye level. She was resting her head next to his and panted in his ear as she muttered sweet nothings as she was completely taken away by what he was doing to her.
The high emotional state both of them were in due to the night before and their fairly new comfort level with all of this, not to mention the thrill of the moment and the fact that anyone could walk in at any moment caused the euphoric love they were making to last for only a short while. As he neared the edge, which Faith was not far from herself, he lifted his face up to look into her shining eyes. Only her strength could be thanked for the following - feeling she was securely in place he lifted his hands away from her hips that were holding her up and placed his hands against the wall on either side of her head. She held herself on him by easily holding herself up by squeezing her thighs around his waist. Now leaning against her and with his hands planted firmly on the wall he stared into her gorgeous face and whispered,
'I love you so much,' then he leaned further forward and kissed her lovingly. She wrapped both arms around his head as she kissed him - it was like everything she had left went into kissing him. As he emptied inside of her she lowered her head and grabbed his earlobe between her teeth and gently nipped at it.
'Oh my god,' Xander gasped quietly.
'Goddess is more like it,' Faith teased as he lowered her back down to her feet. She held his shoulders for stability, taking a moment to regain her footing. She leaned forward and kissed him lovingly as she fixed the appearance of his pants for him, sliding them back where they belonged. As she left his lips she heard footsteps entering the kitchen and she glanced over his shoulder nonchalantly to see Giles and Buffy both entering the kitchen slowly, having noticed the two of them standing suspiciously in the corner.
'Good timing,' Xander praised with a whisper, knowing Faith had pulled his pants up just in time.
'I know,' she answered with a smile before kissing him again.
'Good morning,' Buffy greeted suspiciously.
'Tell me about it,' Faith answered with a smirk as she walked back over to the counter and fixed herself another cup of coffee.*
Faith came back to reality, if that's what people called Wolfram & Hart… she glanced down at the desk again looking for anything interesting that could possibly get her mind off of Xander. It was over - and as much as she tried to just think about the awesome sex they could have, it was so much more than that. She couldn't make herself do what Xander did - she couldn't just pretend it didn't mean anything, because for the first time in her life it actually did. Denying that would just nullify everything she felt and she knew if she did that she would never be able to think about anything being more than just fake.
She did however have a huge conflict battling constantly in her mind. She believed everything Xander said - she didn't lie to him and she'd like to think that he never lied to her. All the times he told her how he felt… if she thought it was all a lie she didn't think there was anyway she could keep on breathing. He may not know how completely she had needed him but she knew it. The way she felt going back to Sunnydale and everything; she felt like a rock that had just been weathered too much and was crumbling from the inside out. He got there just barely before the outside walls began to crack… it's probably why he was able to get in. The way he said he felt about her, the way he made her feel - if she couldn't believe in those words that pulled her out of that hole she was falling into then she might as well be at the bottom of the dark pit. But if she believed him, if everything he said was truth, then she couldn't pretend that when he said it was a lie, he was lying… the thought alone was like someone stabbing her in the heart with a blazing hot knife and twisting it until she screamed; and she wasn't a screamer.
When she screamed it was from everything she had inside of her just ready to explode inside of her. It was a sick, disgusting feeling that just pooled inside of her and dragged her towards a feeling of death. She remembered when she was younger she would scream all the time just to try and block out the world around her. But since she became a slayer the screaming had lessened. She wasn't sure if it was because things had actually gotten better, or more likely that it was the fact that she thought now that she was a Slayer she should be strong enough to deal with everything without needing a release like that. After all there were other ways to find releases now…
With Xander, all of the screams that were pent up inside of her and wouldn't shut up finally silenced, or at least quieted. When he'd touch her it just settled everything to a distant place inside and it eased all of her tensions. She trusted him and he actually trusted her too.
Trust… that was food for thought! As of right now she could count the people in the world who she trusted on one hand… with about four fingers missing. Oh well, she sighed, trying to convince herself it didn't hurt her as much as it did. Angel liked to stand alone… now he got to even figuratively. But while on the subject, where the hell was he?
She shrugged it off and decided to think about the term 'trust'. It was far less complicated of a subject than Angel was. She was bored and desperate to find something else to occupy her mind with so she slid her chair back a few inches and slid the desk drawer open. There were stacks of paper neatly placed in the drawer. She pulled out a sheet of paper and practically choked at the letterhead. 'Angel, CEO; Wolfram & Hart.'
"What a dork," she muttered with a giggle. She rummaged through the other drawer and found a pen. The laughing went on as she saw the same phrase engraved into the pen. Continuing to smile at herself she wrote on the page playfully, 'Faith rocks my world,' in huge, graffiti lettering. Doing so reminded her of her school years… it was about all she learned in school that she remembered. She hated thinking about school because without fail it always reminded her of her mother… As much as she tried to not think about it as she stared at the elaborately decorated sheet of paper she faded into another daydream.
*The two of them were sent to their room, so to speak by Giles and Buffy because of the suspicion the two had raised about what had occurred in the kitchen before their arrival. When Buffy came up with the punishment, Dawn was sure to chime in that she didn't think that was a very effective punishment…
'I've always wanted to be sent to my room!' Faith joked excitedly as they entered her bedroom. She jumped onto the bed energetically, 'I really don't think it's ever happened to me before…'
'Really? I practically lived in my room… usually it was by choice, but, whenever I'd go out of it I'd only get sent back,' Xander joked back.
'I mean, I would always see parents on t.v. sending their kid to their room and I kind of wanted to be sent to my room, just cause, you know?'
'Your mom wasn't into that?' Xander asked surprised - he thought all parents got off on punishing their kids.
'Guess it might've helped if I had a room, but…' she continued to joke, 'I always said it, if anyone loves to argue and fight, it's me, but even more than I loved it, my mom completely lived for it. The bitch could out scream and curse anyone,' she added with a forced laugh. 'She could fucking smack me around, too. I'd usually leave before she could figure out something to punish me with, I guess…'
Xander lost the playful look on his face and became concerned with Faith and her past as he often did. His respect for what she had tolerated could only be as substantial as it was because he understood that world. His family was far from the Brady's - granted he never tried to compare it with Faith's life, but between the drinking and screaming, he could understand the feelings a kid growing up would have. Having one place that should be your relief from the evils of the world, one place that was your sanctuary from it all, and having that peaceful place be filled with angry drunks and screaming and hitting and cursing… he understood the feeling someone gets when that's what their sanctuary is like.
She looked up from her pack of cigarettes that she had been rummaging through. Funny, he thought, how she starts to talk about her mother and suddenly she needs a nicotine fix yet she firmly claims she doesn't care about her and it was no big deal. He understood why she acted like it didn't matter, but being the only person who did see it and knew that it mattered, it put even more weight on his shoulders because he knew it even more than she did.
'I'm sorry,' Xander said almost in a whisper.
'Don't get like this,' she answered crawling over to him on the bed, which he was sitting on the edge of. She put her hands on both sides of his face and made him look straight at her, 'it doesn't matter, there's nothing to get all bothered over…'
'There is though,' he answered pulling one of her hands down off of his face. 'There's a lot to get 'bothered over', Faith.'
'Look at me,' she demanded firmly as she swung her leg around him and positioned herself on his lap facing him with her knees on the bed on the outside of both of his legs. She put both hands back on his face and lowered her own face so it was right against his with their foreheads almost touching and their noses just barely grazing each other. 'It only matters if you make it matter…'
'Faith,' he answered in a frustrated tone dropping his hands away from her and leaving them at his sides. This was a topic they came across more often then either of them wanted to, but Xander understood it came up so often because it was such a big problem for Faith and one that she didn't even want to tap into.
'Oh stop,' she scolded pushing his face so he had to look straight at her again. She grabbed his hands and pulled them up, 'hold me,' she demanded playfully - a slight smile playing on the corners of her mouth, which was trying so hard to stay stern. He dropped his hands back down to the bed as soon as she let them go. 'Put them around me,' she scolded as she grabbed them up again and pushed them around her. 'Stop it!' she scolded again as he dropped his hands limply by his sides yet again. Xander's expression was that of blankness and slight irritation that she was so closed to even the idea that this was bothering her. 'You don't want me anymore?' she asked only slightly kidding. Unfortunately it made more sense to her that he was bored of her playing around and just wanted her to go away. She motioned to get up but he quickly picked up his previously limp arms and grabbed her waist.
'I never said that.' He held her on top of his lap and looked up at her.
'You don't have to say it,' she muttered almost childishly now dropping her hands at her sides.
'Faith…' He moved his head to the side searching for her eyes. He finally was able to gain eye contact with her after only a few moments of fighting for her gaze.
'Why do you have to make such a big deal out of this every time?' she asked quietly. Her tone made it obvious that she had been thinking over the subject in her head and when it came to her childhood, and more directly, her mother, thinking was all that was needed to make her a little distressed.
'Because it upsets me,' he answered candidly, matching her tone as he put his hands around her waist as she had been trying to get him to before.
'It's not a big deal,' she answered trying to shrug it off again.
'It's a very big deal to me. To know that you hated your childhood; to know that you weren't even happy when you were younger… that kills me to hear that. It kills me to hear that the best compliment you give your mother is that she could hit you better than anyone! Just to think how unhappy you were…'
'You want to know something?' she asked touching her forehead to his.
'Yeah,' he answered looking deeply into her dark eyes.
'You make me happy.'
The sincerity of her tone and the glisten that went through her eyes and face was enough to bring tears to both of their eyes. She was even embarrassed by being so upfront with him and seeing the way he looked at her that she looked down and held her lower lip in her teeth anxiously. He brought his hand up to her chin and gently pushed her face up so she would look at him. He leaned into her and kissed her lips tenderly while securely holding her face. She leaned forward against him as they kissed pushing him back enough to make him fall into a horizontal position on the bed with her straddling him.
She kissed him amorously for several long minutes before he held her hip and rolled her over so he now hovered above her. She bent her knee and held him close to her with her leg against his side. He kissed her gently and then whispered to her,
'I love you… you know that, right?' She nodded softly and answered,
'I love you too." He lowered himself all the way down to her and kissed her lovingly as soon as she finished speaking those words.*
"Faith? Faith… Yo, Faith," Gunn called cautiously, concerned by her obliviousness. He was always told a Slayer had extremely heightened senses, but here he was calling her where any normal person would've heard him walk into the room! She finally jumped in response,
"Yeah… sorry, hi."
"Are you alright?" he asked walking towards her more quickly seeing tears streaming her cheeks.
"I'm fine," she answered nonchalantly assuming everything was fine.
"Then why are you crying?" he asked directly. She was filled with confusion but quickly recovered herself and answered,
"Oh, umm… my eyes have been watering all day… I must be allergic to something in here," she said as she wiped her face with her hand. Gunn decided it would probably be safer to just let it go.
"Have you seen Angel around?"
"No… I was just waiting for him to show up."
"Well, if he comes in, tell him I'm looking for him."
"Alright," she answered forcing a smile. He smiled in return,
"I'll see you later… maybe we can go grab some lunch or something."
"Sure."
"Okay," he answered then walked out of the office.
She turned the chair so she was looking towards the window again rebuking herself unmercifully in her head for crying! What was this shit? She didn't cry over - hold up, she didn't cry period! She'd had enough of this crap… she kicked the desk with her foot before propping it back up on top of it to sit comfortably in the chair.
"Yo, Wes," Gunn greeted walking into his office, "what's up?"
"Hello," Wesley greeted looking up from his papers again.
"Is everything alright with her?" he asked motioning towards Angel's office.
"As far as I know…"
"You know where Angel is?"
"He's out of town taking care of some things… he should be back in a few days."
"I didn't know he was leaving. It's not like him to just run out like that…"
"It sounded like something that might have to do with…" he trailed off as he spoke looking clearly over at Faith across the hallway. Gunn connected quickly with what he was saying and added,
"Yeah, umm… you might want to go spend some time in there. She seemed like… well, I don't know her as well as you do, but, she seemed like some Wesley time might be in order… get my drift?"
"Yes, quite," he answered looking over towards Faith in the office. She was now sitting in the chair and swiveling it back and forth playfully. With a tap on the desk Gunn left the office and hurried about his usual work. He had a few hearings later that afternoon, all lined up confidently in a row, and a few new clients to speak with just before lunch. And now for lunch he had a nice girl to take out who he could talk old-school with. She'd be able to share battle stories and fighting strategies with him - it was what he really missed.
"Having fun?" Wesley asked as he walked into Angel's office. Faith looked over from the desk,
"You know me," she assured him.
"I really do doubt that," he answered with a smile taking a seat across the desk from her. She shrugged,
"I'm not as interesting as I might like people to think."
"Being a Slayer I somehow doubt that also."
"Yeah, but it's not exactly something you can throw at someone over dinner. You know when you run out of stupid things to talk about. 'Hey, FYI, I'm a Vampire Slayer. How bout you, slay any demons lately?' Doesn't really flow in conversation…" Wesley couldn't help but laugh at her sense of humor.
"I can see that not fitting into your conversations…"
"See that's why I always used to just tell B, there's no sense in trying to get to know a guy, just have 'em and get gone, you know. No sense in trying to date and get to know each other… all we have is slaying and if we tried to talk about other shit they're just going to think we're bimbo's anyhow cause we don't know about other shit. So why bother with the pleasantry bullshit? Want, take, have, move on and forget about it… it's the way we should be."
"I can certainly see Buffy having opposition to that frame of mind. She seems to really enjoy getting to know someone before-"
"Don't let B fool you, she's as horny as the next person."
"Yes, quite," Wesley answered slightly shocked by the information just placed in front of him.
"Sorry, I'll shut up now."
"No, it's fine… I just didn't realize you were talking of dating in particular when you were talking about… well, talking. That's a few too many 'talking's for one phrase, don't you think?"
"I followed you," she answered with a smile.
"Sorry if I didn't follow you on the dating thing," he apologized not realizing how he was pushing the subject that Faith hadn't even realized she had brought up all by herself. "Not a topic I've ever heard you talk about," Wesley added noting that indeed it was a topic often avoided by her and here she was giving him an opportunity for… perhaps bonding.
"Not something I'm really interested in," she answered shortly.
"I believe the ancient history of demonic activity in England was a particular subject in which you weren't interested in," he joked, "men never seemed to quite be in that category when mentioned around you." Faith had to laugh remembering Wesley trying to cram that shit into her head at one point or another.
"I'm starting to think the whole lot of you guys are just garbage," she joked.
"Well that's certainly a different tone than I remember."
"You mean from the promiscuous teenager? Don't get me wrong, I'm still way addicted to dic-" she stopped herself barely in time to spare him another crude phrase and smiled innocently, "sex, I mean sex… if that makes it any better sounding."
"Yes, it certainly does," he answered firmly trying to not let his mind be clouded any further. He wanted to talk to her and it was comforting that she wished to talk so informally with him, but it was just something that would take a bit of adjustment. She had always rambled on and on about her untraditional behaviors with men whenever he'd help her train and such, but he had assumed it was just a topic she endorsed purely for his discomfort and displeasure. His suspicions hadn't been completely wrong, but he hadn't taken into account that it was a topic which she loved to talk about also.
"Sorry."
"It's quite alright," he answered with a forgiving nod.
"Wes… can I tell you something?" Her tone was telling that she was thinking about their past together as well. She couldn't believe Wesley would even be in the same room with her, not to mention all alone.
"If it's not an apology, then certainly."
"And what if it is?"
"Then I must decline."
"Is it because you don't accept it?"
"Certainly not," he answered honestly. "It's because your actions will speak louder than any words you could ever come up with. And I must admit, right now I'm very proud of you…"
"Okay, can we not do that?"
"What?" he asked very confused. He had actually tried to have the Proud Watcher tone and-
"Don't get all Proud Watcher on me, Wes. I'm just on the brink of fucking up again and I don't need to think of you being disappointed if-"
"What are you talking about, Faith?" His tone changed immediately as did his expression.
"Nothing… my heads just swimming - kind of blown out, you know?" She covered quickly, although not that well. Wesley offered a slight nod to ease her anxiety, an emotion that was quickly becoming obvious by her façade.
"Well, I've got some work to get to so I'll let you-" he began standing from his chair and motioning to leave.
"Wes," she finally said in a questioning tone as he rose from his chair.
"Yeah," he asked looking back at her.
"Random question, that's all…" He urged her on with a smile, "do you think that, umm… anyone could tolerate me… you know, on like a long term kind of bases?" It took a moment for Wesley to pick apart what she had asked him - her tone and broken phrases making it more difficult.
"What exactly do you mean?"
"Just in general… I told you it was random. Just, you know, do you think it's possible for someone to put up with me?"
"I certainly don't see why not!" he answered emphatically. "I think there are countless people who… Faith, why do you think that?" he asked realizing he was practically stumbling over his words he was so taken aback by her insecurity.
"I don't know," she quickly answered, "I just don't really have that much to offer… I mean, Wes, I'm an escaped con who was in for life for manslaughter. It's not exactly the bio someone looks for when looking for someone to settle down with," she added trying to add as much levity to her tone as she could muster.
"Why-"
"I was just wondering… told you it was random."
"Right," he answered with a pensive nod. "Alright, I'll be in my office if you need anything."
"Thanks."
*'I just don't know how you deal with me…' she said standing by the window flicking the cigarette ashes outside.
'You are a huge pain in the ass, sometimes,' Xander joked walking away from the window and sitting back on the edge of the bed.
'Thanks,' she answered sharply. The straight face she had actually managed to hold finally broke and a wide smile spread across her face.
'I'm serious,' Xander added still holding his straight face. 'You're just impossible…' She laughed at him and finished with her cigarette she tossed it out the window.
'If I'm anything, I'm a complete mess,' she added walking towards him motioning towards her clothes. She still hadn't changed out of the pajama's she had slept in - a pair of his boxers rolled around the waist to make them fit and a small, white, ribbed, underwear tank. She walked over to the chair with all of their clothes strewn on top of it and unrolled the boxers letting them fall to the floor as she looked for a pair of pants to wear.
Xander's jaw instantaneously dropped seeing her standing there in a small shirt and black panties. Yeah, he'd been with her a while and he should be over the shock factor of seeing her half naked, especially when he'd seen her completely naked, but this wasn't shock, it was complete worship!
'Hey,' he called over to her. She turned to look at him still unsuccessful at finding pants, 'come here.' She walked over to him and stood in front of him with a smile on her face. He flashed a devilish grin at her then lifted her shirt up just enough for him to kiss her stomach.
'What are you doing?' she asked playfully. He continued to kiss her stomach slowly moving down until he reached the fabric of her panties, then moved upward. He raised her shirt slowly as he slowly kissed higher and higher until it reached just under her breasts. He stopped and looked up at her. She smiled and lowered her head and kissed his lips tenderly. He kissed her back as softly as either of them could and slid his hands just as delicately over her hips and onto her ass.
He suddenly grabbed her firmly and pulled her closer to him and looked into her dazzling eyes. She smiled devilishly down at him and grabbed her lower lip in between her teeth in a way that challenged, 'I dare you', which he gladly accepted. He quickly pulled her on top of him on the bed then rolled her over so he hovered proudly above her. He was so cute she couldn't help but giggle at him. He grabbed her wrists and pushed them over her head onto the bed then immediately loosened his grip on them. He was playful, he wasn't vicious. She happily complied with a sweet smile on her lips.
'Passive much?' he asked with surprise.
'Only for you,' she answered honestly. She would lie there for him all day long. He looked down at her looking deeply into her eyes and she added, 'you know, I'd let you do anything to me.'
'Why is that?' he asked picking up one hand and running a finger over her left eyebrow to smooth it down.
'I know you wouldn't hurt me,' she answered plainly not needing to think about it at all.
'So you trust me," he stated with a wide smile spreading over his face.
'Oh, so that's what the feeling is,' she answered matching his smile. 'I wouldn't know.'
'Now you do.' He was so happy he was surprised he wasn't giggling. She trusted him - that was an accomplishment to be proud of and he intended to be! Trust - that was a big deal in general, but when it came to Faith it was monumental.
'It feels good,' she answered openly. He smoothed down her eyebrow again just liking the way it felt and seeing that she did too. As he did she raised one of her hands to his cheek and pulled him softly down for another kiss.
The both shed the clothing they were still wearing and indulged each other in all of the things both of them had discovered 'feels good'.
Even though they had both built each others stamina - Faith from experience and indulgence and Xander from familiarity and fortitude. Faith had lost a lot of her staying power during her long intermission and Xander was happy to rise to the occasion, no pun intended…*
Faith snapped out of yet another day dream pulled away by the sound of someone loudly clearing their throat. She looked up and saw Eve approaching her.
"What do you want now?" she asked sitting back confidently in the chair and propping her feet back up on the desk.
"I was just given word that someone was in Angel's office and, well, I knew it certainly wasn't Angel, so…"
"Why was it, certainly not Angel," Faith mocked.
"He didn't tell you?" Eve asked seemingly innocently but it was all part of the way she figured out how to push Faith's buttons.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"He left… he's not going to be back… I hope you weren't in here waiting for him." Faith was ready to rip that smile right off her face.
"Where'd he go, if you're so smart?" Eve leaned her head slightly to the side and looked out of the office door over to Wesley's office and then returned to looking over at Faith.
"I'm not as smart as most of the people here…" she said with a planned smile. "But, sweetie, he left last night… I thought you would be the first to know when he left. I thought you two were close that way… actually, why didn't you go with him?"
"Can you shut up?" Faith finally spat cutting off her stream of questions that were now more than blatantly just trying to piss her off.
"I just figured he would take you with him… you know, especially for an overnight trip."
"Can I ask you a question? Actually, two…" Faith took her silence as an admission and continued, "you've read my file haven't you?"
"Yes," Eve answered proudly. "It was actually very detailed - from childhood to present day…"
"Okay," Faith agreed not letting her get the upper hand even though she knew things that even Xander didn't… uhh, why did he have to pop into her head all of the time? "Second question," she said now standing up from Angel's chair and walking around the desk so she stood in front of Eve, "do you like your face?" She asked the question steadily but her body language and stance made the threat just as blatant as Eve's previous comments. Eve took a step backward away from Faith trying to remain composed,
Without another word but not without a few more spiteful glares, Eve turned and exited the office. Faith stood there in front of the desk for another minute staring at the empty door way. *The feeling seemed to expand and everything around her blurred into a scene that looked like the head quarters up north. It felt like Buffy was the one who had just walked out of the room. She stood there still well aware she was inside of Wolfram & Hart, but she let herself slightly believe she wasn't as she felt Xander walking up behind her and put his hands on her waist.
'Don't let her get to you…' the soft and kind words of advice were followed by a soft kiss on her shoulder and then he wrapped his arms around her waist.*
Faith shook off the semi-day dream and walked out of the office and into Wesley's. He was on the phone and she motioned to him that he should hang it up.
"Ma'am, something's come up… could I call you back momentarily… ma'am… please can I…" the woman was the wife of one of their client that loved to talk the employee's of Wolfram & Hart's ears off. And if you refused to give her your time, her husband very well would literally talk your ear off… "Ma'am, I understand your situation and I'll do everything in my power to-"
Faith grabbed the receiver out of Wesley's hand and slammed it down into the cradle.
"What are you doing?" Wesley yelled more out of fear than anger.
"Where's Angel?"
"I…"
"Wesley, treat me like I'm dumb whenever you want, but don't you dare try and treat me like I'm fucking stupid."
"Faith, calm down, please… there's no reason to get upset over-"
"Did he go to Slayer Headquarters?" she interjected.
"Yes," Wes answered, knowing lying to Faith would only exacerbate the situation further. She immediately turned away from him with a clearly distressed/ furious look on her face. "Faith, it's no reason to get angry…"
"Whatever," she answered heading towards the door.
"Faith, I told you what I know. Now you have to fill me in on what you know - why's he there?"
"Since when do I play fair, Wes?" she asked with a disconcerting blankness.
"Faith, he told me he'd be back by tonight… he also asked me to ask you to please stick around…"
"So everyone assumes I'm always going to split, huh?"
"Faith, no… I just…"
"Save it, Wes," she answered. She walked out of the office and out of his sight range from his desk. He glanced up at the clock and was amazed that in a few hours such a drastic change in her personality had occurred. Even when she was stable, the girl had mood swings! Wesley was so confused though - what was it that was going on that was making Angel acted borderline irrational, running to Slayer Headquarters in the middle of the night and not telling anyone and Faith, who was swinging from exhausted and worn out to furious and lively.
Kennedy walked in through the garage with Willow close behind her. Both of them had just come back from running some errands in town and she had a chance to stop and get some pictures developed. She had flipped through the pack of pictures in the car and decided that a couple of the doubles should go straight into Xander's hands. She walked through the hallway heading for Faith's room - it hadn't gone un-noticed by her that that was where he was spending most of his time. She glanced into the kitchen checking if he was in there and then she glanced into the livingroom finding her mark.
Without a word she walked into the room and dropped a small stack of pictures into his lap. He looked up at her with a confused look then back down at the pictures. The one standing a the top of the stack was a picture of Faith and him on this same couch he was now sitting on. Faith was lying on her back with her head rested on the arm rest with her eyes closed gently and he was lying on top of her between her legs. His head was resting on her chest as he lied stomach down with his arms wrapped around her body. After glancing down at the picture he quickly picked his eyes back up to Kennedy,
"What the hell are these?" She shrugged and answered,
"Just thought you might want them…" She turned away and walked out of the room.
After going through the pictures Xander quickly stood up and walked back to their bedroom. He sat down on the bed and no matter what he did he couldn't stop looking at all of the pictures. What was amazing is he never saw Kennedy ever take any pictures. All of them seemed to capture moments of the two of them together that made him crumble. He even found himself wiping small drops of tears off of the pictures not wanting to damage them in any way. He felt like he could just look at them for the rest of his life. There was nothing else going through his head right now - all he could do is look at them and be dragged into the memory they captivated. He wiped another tear from the photo then used his sleeve to try and wipe away the fingerprints.
"Xander."
He spun around quickly on the bed and looked over at Angel's large figure standing in the doorway.
"Angel…"