The bus was pretty much silent but for the faint tinny sounds coming from Faith's Discman. Old habits die hard I guess and the brunette was listening to some kind of rock, although to my ears it didn't sound as heavy as she used to like it. I guess maybe she really has changed. Just like the rest of us.
A dull itch began to get my attention just below my left eyebrow and as I automatically went to scratch it, I was actually surprised to find the rough fabric of the eye patch there. Just one more thing that had changed. Still, after everything else we've lost I guess I'm lucky it was just an eye!
But that's a lie, that's not all I've lost is it? A year ago, when I first realised there was no future for Anya and me, it felt as though my heart had withered and died in my chest. Now, knowing that she won't have any kind of future at all, it feels as though all my guts have ripped clean out. And the worst of it? I wasn't there. I should have been the one watching her back. It shouldn't have been Andrew. A small part of me hates him for letting her die while he made it out. It's only a small part, but it's there.
I know he lied to me when I asked him what happened. I won't call him on it though. It's a lie I want to believe. Knowing that she died fighting is enough right now. It's hard enough to accept that she's dead, especially when some of the girls on the bus use the same perfume Anya does. did. Smelling her all around me is driving me crazy. I really don't know how much longer I can stand it to be honest, if only I could talk to someone! But no, they've all gone through a major fight, and they're all Slayers now. They've got enough on their minds, I can't talk to them.
It's weird, a good fight used to get me all riled up. How was it I used to put it? Hungry and Horny, that's it. But this time? Nope. Fights don't get much bigger than that one and I actually feel content.
Looking round at all the girls on the bus just makes me laugh at myself. I've never exactly been what you'd call a "team-player", that pretty much goes without saying, so who in their right mind would ever have thought I'd find myself with Team Slayer on a bus bound for trouble?
Maybe when Will worked her mojo she shared more than my Slayer power, maybe she shared my restlessness as well. After all, that Vi chick sure grew a pair pretty damn quick! Still, if it keeps me out of trouble, so much the better.
I can see everyone trying, and mostly succeeding, to get some sleep. 'Cept Giles of course, since he's driving and all. what the hell, I'm bored anyway, may as well take my turn now.
"Yo, G-Man!" I didn't think I'd yelled, but the way he jumped made me realise either I had, or he was tireder than he was letting on. I was betting the latter. He looked at me in the rear-view and asked what I wanted.
"Just thought someone who knew how to handle one of these things should take over for a bit." I was teasing him of course.
"Faith, I don't think I want to know at which point in your illustrious career you learned to drive a school bus." I pretended to be all shocked but he went on, "However, I could do with a rest. Thank you." He pulled over to the side of the road and swapped seats with me, adding "By the way, don't ever call me that again." I grinned at him and was actually kinda shocked when he smiled back. Maybe things were really going to be better from now on.
I let him get settled in before I pulled away again and just as I was about to get going something caught my eye in the rear-view. Xander had been pretty quiet for a long time now, understandable what with Anya dying and all, but now he had a look in his eyes that I'd only ever seen in my own reflection. He looked like he was about to do something stupid.
"Hey Xander, fancy keeping me company?"
It's ridiculous! Here I am, surrounded by people, including my best friends, and yet I can't tell a single one of them about how I'm feeling. Oh sure, they ask with their sympathetic eyes and their "Time heals all wounds" platitudes, but not one of them really gets it.
And through it all, there's Andrew, actually sleeping.
I could feel the anger building in me, I'd always managed to keep it in check before but why should I? What's the point anymore?
As soon as Xander got up to the front of the bus it was like all that anger had drained out of him. Poor guy just needed company I guess. Not really my usual area of expertise but since everyone else had been walking on eggshells around him I guess it was up to me. He kinda perched on the dashboard and looked back up the bus, back the way we'd come.
"So, d'you wanna talk?" I really need to get some practice on small talk - that was lame! He didn't say anything (surprise, surprise!) just kept staring up the bus. I glanced in the rear-view, trying to see what he saw but there was nothing in particular there. We drove on for a couple of miles in silence, just a few snores from the others, when suddenly he looked at me and asked, "What's it like to kill a person?"
I sat at the front of the bus while Faith drove. She'd tried to make conversation but I wasn't in the mood. I kept looking back towards Sunnydale. We'd left it far behind of course, and even with 20/20 vision there's no way I'd have been able to make it out. But in my minds eye I saw it. Not the hole in the ground we'd last seen, but the town as it had been when Anya was alive. The shops, the cinema, the college, the Bronze, everywhere she'd like to go, everywhere I could see in my imagination reminded me of her.
Every part of me ached to see her again. To have her alive and laughing. But she's dead. And Andrew's alive in her place.
"What's it like to kill a person?" I asked Faith. I don't know where the question came from to be honest. I knew there was no way I could hurt Andrew even though I wanted to tear him limb from limb, just as I knew there was no way to get Anya back. I just felt so powerless.
She didn't answer straight away, and when she did it was with such brutal honesty that I was taken aback. She kept her eyes on the road, refusing to look at me, and said flatly, "It's incredible, you can see the life going out of them, you can see them die and you know it was you who did that. It's the closest thing to being omnipotent because at that moment, to that person, you are. You hold the power over life and death and it feels good." She finally met my eyes and I could see real pain there, "And then the moment passes and you're just a killer. There's no power there. That's not what you want is it, you don't want to be powerless." It was as though she could see what was going through my mind.
"You're better than that, Xan. She knew that." We both knew which 'she' Faith was talking about and as I opened my mouth to speak I found I couldn't. The lump in my throat was threatening to choke me.
I could see he was about to break down but fighting it hard. He wouldn't in front of everyone, he'd keep it bottled up until he really did do something stupid. I'm guessing he's angry at that Andrew kid 'cause he was with Anya at the end.
I pulled over to the hard shoulder as gently as I could, so as not to wake anyone else and I opened the door. Without saying a word I took his hand and led Xander away from the bus.
I still couldn't speak as Faith led me into the desert. I had no idea where we were going and I couldn't bring myself to care. When she finally stopped and turned to face me, there was such a look of understanding in her eyes that I couldn't hold back any longer.
I sank to my knees and cried. Everything that had been bottled up for days now seemed to come pouring out of me. I told her of how I hated Andrew one minute and wanted to protect him the next, I told her of how I missed Anya and hated her for getting herself killed. I told her of how I couldn't speak to anyone and how no one would understand.
She came to me and held me. She just let me cry and didn't try to interrupt, I'd never felt so close to anyone before in my whole life. It truly felt as though she understood me, that there was a connection there.
I finally stopped sobbing after what felt like forever and struggled back to my feet. I steeled myself for a Faith-like smart alec comment but none came. She kept hold of my arm and just asked if I was really okay. I looked deep into her dark eyes and said, "No. But I will be. Thank you." And I really meant it, I would be okay now.
I held him as he cried, all the pent-up emotion just kept coming. It was as though a dam had burst and I knew I had to be a steady rock he could hold onto so he wouldn't be swept away. His sobs began to subside a little and I began stroking his hair and telling him quietly it was going to be okay.
He looked up at me and tried to stand. I had to help him up and I didn't want to let go of him. Years ago there had been a connection between us which I'd tried my hardest to destroy with my "get done, get gone" policy, but this was so the wrong time to re-connect!
After checking he was going to be fine, I let him go, making sure he was headed back in the direction of the bus I stood watching as he walked away. I wondered what the hell I was going to do now. Just as it looked as if my life was finally getting on track I have to fall for Xander.
Being the Slayer has given me a kind of heightened awareness and I realised for the first time that my 'danger sense' had been tingling for a little while now. Yet another reason not to fall for Xander, he screwed up my priorities! My first instinct was to go after Xan and get the hell out of there, but then I realised that the danger was here and by going after Xander I'd be putting him and a bus full of sleeping girls at risk.
I stood stock still, barely breathing, trying to place where this sense of danger was coming from. There was a noise from behind a nearby tree and I sprinted towards it without a second thought. I threw myself around it, knocking whoever (or whatever) was lurking there to the ground. I kept him pinned there as I drew my fist back to pummel this intruder when he suddenly spoke - it was Robin!
"Faith! Wait!" I stopped myself just in time, Slayer reflexes and all, and sat straddling him, unintentionally pinning him to the ground.
"What are you doing? Don't you know sneaking up on a Slayer is a sure way to get yourself a broken face?" I snapped at him.
"I was worried when I realised you weren't on the bus. I came to check you were alright and when I saw you with Xander I didn't want to disturb you," he winced and stopped speaking. I looked down to see what the wince was for and realised that my knee was digging into the wound he'd taken in his side. I jumped up in horror.
"I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" he kinda smiled at me. I'd always found that smile sexy, it was the first thing that attracted me to him but now it just looked too perfect. I caught myself wishing it was Xander's lopsided grin and that's when I knew. There could never be any future for Robin and me. I think he wanted there to be but it just wouldn't be fair to be with him while I was wishing he was another man.
He looked up at me and as I helped him to his feet he asked "Is everything okay?" I looked him straight in the eyes and replied, "Robin, I think we need to talk."
He took it better that I thought he would. Turns out he hadn't seen a long-term future for us either, he'd just wanted to show me it was possible. I didn't tell him about my feelings for Xander but I think he knew. Or at least he knew there was someone else and since the options were kinda limited it wasn't hard to guess.
We walked slowly back towards the bus and as we approached it he gave me what felt like a goodbye kiss on the cheek and went on ahead. Xander was standing at the open door, looking a lot better than he had in days. As I drew near he asked "Everything okay, Faith?" I smiled up at him and linked my arm through his as we climbed back on the bus. "Five by five."
Robin took over the driving for a while and I sat next to Xan in a comfortable silence. I wouldn't say anything, it was too early and he had enough to deal with. One thing I've learned over the past couple of years though is patience. He smiled at me and settled down to sleep. I reached for my Discman and turned the volume down so as not to disturb him. He rested his head in my lap and I began to stroke his hair, watching him sleep as I sang along softly to the music in the headphones
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you screamed I'd chase away all of your fears,
I held your hand through all of these years
And you still have. All of me.