Author: Dennis Wellman (a.k.a. Merlin the Enchanter) <merlin.enchanter[at]>

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Joss, Mutant Enemy, and a lot of other people own Buffy. I get no money by writing this, just hope for some kind words of encouragement.

Classification: Songfic; AU. Xander/Cordelia relationship, Splits off to AU after Lovers Walk

Spoilers: None really.

Summary: Cordelia is thinking about Xander, and missing him when she hears a song.

Authors Notes: Someone dared me to write a Songfic from the song of my choice; This was the result.

Text enclosed in < > is thoughts. Text enclosed in [ ] is phone conversation.

Feedback: Yes please!!!!!

Distribution: If you like it... please feel free to place it on your site... but please tell me where it is.

Cordelia Chase stormed into her bedroom tossing her books on the desk without a care to their condition. Sniffing sharply she started pacing from one end of the room to the other.

"Damn you Xander Harris. Why in the hell did you have to come into my life and cause me so much pain!" she said softly.

She threw herself on the bed, hugging her pillow tightly to her chest. Tears spilled freely from her eyes.

And all because she bumped into Xander in the hall. It had been nearly two months since Oz and her caught him kissing Willow, and every time she saw him it broke her heart even more. How much longer was it going to take her to get over him.

She got up with a sigh, how much stranger could her life get?

Cordelia went over to her desk and straightened up the books that she had haphazardly tossed there earlier and sat down intending to do her homework.

Opening her English book she started to read her assignment when out of the corner of her eye she saw the paperweight that Xander had bought her one time when she was sick. Picking it up she turned the polished cube in her fingers, the four leaf clover inside the horseshoe easily visible in the sparkling Lucite.

How could someone like him affect her like this, he was a loser, a nobody, a warm and caring guy who made her feel like no other ever did.

Cordelia sighed.

Standing she padded over to the stereo in bare feet and turned the stereo on. Halfway back to her desk she realized that it was still on the oldies station that HE liked so well.

Holding her head in both hands she wondered, what next?

Picking up her book, she carried it to her bed and tried to read, but the page kept blurring with unshed tears. She closed the book and rolled over, her eyes closed. Then a song came on that was vaguely familiar and she listened to the words.

They bored into her very soul.

I hear the ticking of the clock
I'm lying here the room's pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won't end though

"Oh god, is everyone trying to rub it in tonight?" she mused.

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

What is it Xander that won't allow me to let you go. Love, that's what it is.

< What is it about him that gets to me so bad? Can't be his sense of style, he doesn't have any. Can't be his intelligence, he doesn't have any of that either. >

< Could it be his tall dark good looks? Could be. What about his quick wit? Maybe, or possibly it is his smoldering dark brown eyes that you could look so deep into that you feel you could get lost? >

< I have known Xander since he was a child in grade school, and I never noticed what a knight in shining armor he was, even when we were together. Sure I had always heard of him keeping other kids from getting picked on, and helping other kids out. But he changed the most after he met Buffy, and started helping to save the world. >

< I'm pretty sure that he has been partly responsible for that at least twice that I know of. Once when he saved Buffy's life, and then again when he lied to Buffy about Willow restoring Angel's soul. >

You don't know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don't know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown

< And his kisses. Damn but that boy can kiss! There's been several times that I have had to fight to control myself. It would be so easy to let myself go and get lost in his kisses, his touch.>

< Of all the guys I have been out with Xander is the only one I have ever considered losing my virginity with. And for me that is a big step. >

Alone, alone
Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
Alone, alone

< The song finished and I just lie here thinking about him. Damn, why can't I let go? >

< Because I still love him, even after all that he has put me through, I still love him and want to be with him. >

Cordelia rolled over and picked up the phone, dialing a number out of memory. One she had tried to forget, but couldn't.

[ Hello. ] Came Xanders slightly sleepy voice.

"Hey, it's me" said Cordelia.

[ C-Cordy? ] stammered Xander.

"Yea, It's me. I wanted to talk to you." She said cautiously.

[ What about Cordy, I thought you never wanted to talk to me again? ] Xander asked.

"Yea, but I have been thinking.." She started.

[ Are you going to give me another chance? Please. ] He interrupted.

"I'm thinking about it." Cordy started. "But if I do, there will have to be some changes."

[ Like what Cordy? ] he asked. [ 'Cause if it's too much you can just forget about it. As much as I love you I still have my limits. ]

< He loves me? >

"Xander Harris. Did I just hear you say that you love me?" Asked Cordelia.

[ Yea, I guess you did. ] He replied lamely.

"Well is that a yes or a no?" Cordy asked in a demanding voice.

[ Damnit! That was a yes Cor. I do love you, I always have, ever since that time in seventh grade that you smiled at me when your friends couldn't see you. Even when I hated Queen C, I loved you. ] Xander said, his voice loaded with emotion.

"What happened Xander. What happened to us." She asked quietly.

[ Just bad circumstances Cordy. We had that fight about my dressing better, then Will and I got grabbed by Spike. What you saw was my saying goodbye to Willow. Yea, it got carried away, but we actually thought we were going to die, and there were too many raw emotions. I wasn't trying to cheat on you, it just happened. And then you wouldn't listen. Then I just tried to stay away from you, to not hurt you anymore than I already did. ] Xander explained.

Xander was quiet as Cordelia sobbed softly.

Cordy mumbled something.

[ What's that Cor? ] He asked.

"I Love you too Xander, and I want to talk. Pick me up tomorrow at noon." She said. "I want to talk about us getting back together."

[ Okay Cor, I'll see you then. ]

As he hung up Cordelia, got up and went to her desk. She hung up her phone, and for the first time since they broke up, she felt whole again.