"Oh, come on, Willow!" Buffy said. "He lost. You get to dictate his costume to him. You have to; taking advantage of an opportunity like this is a moral imperative."
Willow's mind went blank. She cast around the visible part of the store desperately searching for an idea. The proprietor of the costume store, the British man for which it seemed to be named, Ethan, was showing a brilliant coloured wig to Harmony Kendall. Willow flashed back to the re-run she'd seen the night before. And before she had time to think, her mouth ran away with her.
She finished blurting out her idea only to meet an incredulous and amused stare from Buffy. As for Xander…
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Xander looked at Willow, horrified. "I can't wear that. I'll never be able to show my face in school again. The jocks won't even be able to beat me up; they'll die laughing beforehand."
"Un-uh, dweeb boy." Cordelia's voice came unexpectedly from behind them. "A bet is a bet. You agreed. Take it like a man…oh, wait, you can't can you? You're not a man, just the local school jester."
Xander turned toward her making a face. "Take it like a man? Cordelia, the character is a woman! I'm not going to wear woman's clothes for Halloween. No matter how cool the show is."
"I didn't think you could, looser. There's no way you could measure up to any woman, particularly one like that."
Xander began to shift into babble mode, something he rarely did anywhere near Cordelia. "Of courses I can't! Women's clothes are women's clothes. Women make them look good. You make them look good, Buffy makes them look good, I don't make them look anything. I'm a man. We don't wear women's clothes.
Xander looked back to Willow saying, "See? I agree; I'm totally unsuited to the role. Please, Will? I agree with Cordelia on something. That alone should shock you out of the idea. Let me just get a normal costume."
Willow hesitated for a moment, wavering in her resolve in spite of the way he had just dismissed her from consideration as a woman. Xander would be really uncomfortable and embarrassed tonight if she insisted. She opened her mouth to say it was okay; she hadn't really meant the challenge anyway.
Buffy nudged her in the side. The Slayer was smirking, but she gave Willow a stern look. The look seemed to say: don't fold, if you want him to notice you can't keep letting him have anything he wants.
Swallowing her sympathy Willow pasted on her resolve face. As she turned back to Xander she saw his eyes widen as he took in her expression. Then his shoulders slumped and she caught a muttered, "Oh, no."
Cordelia laughed as she walked away. "I'm definately going to have to bring a camera."
"Xander!" Willow yelled as she sighted her friend. In spite of how odd he looked in a woman's dress, he was the most welcome sight she'd ever laid eyes on.
The young man was getting to his feet, recovering, no doubt, from that odd blackout Willow had also experienced a little before. She didnn't know what the hell was going on. Suddenly she was a ghost.
"Xander," Willow repeated as she neared him. He didn't seem to be paying any attention to her.
He was holding up on hand in front of his face, staring at it with an incredulous, horrified expression. The softly whispered words reached Willow's ears, "What the hell?"
Willow froze as a thought crossed her mind. She had been dressed up as a ghost and now was one. Xander…
She felt her eyes getting wider.
Willow looked at the young man who was now looking down at himself with the oddest expression on his face. Then gathering up her courage she spoke up hesitantly, almost hoping she was wrong, "Sydney?"
Angel called out after her as she ran out the door, "Buffy!"
Damn it! He took a step toward the outside. In her current state she would be easy prey for anything that happened along.
"What happened?"
Xander's voice came from behind him. Only at the moment Xander wasn't Xander, he was Sydney, whoever that was, and Angel didn't have the time to explain anything to anyone who wouldn't understand.
He turned toward Xander to say something. He had time to see Xander's eyes widen slightly before the man's fist slammed into the side of his head.
Angel rebounded from the wall to catch the roundhouse kick to the chest that slammed him out through the back door.
Everything spun for a moment and as it steadied, and he heaved himself into a sitting position, he heard Cordelia saying, "No, he's on our side. A good vampire, I think."
Looking up he saw Xander, a distinctly odd sight in a dress, holding a gun pointed directly at his forehead.
If Angel had needed anything else to convince him it wasn't Xander standing there the look in the two brown eyes levelled at him over the gun sufficed.
Buffy gave a little shrug. "I remember everything it's just all sorta distant now."
Willow looked to Xander. "How about you, Xander?"
To be Sydney Bristow, Willow thought, wow. She was a little disappointed when he just answered. "Pretty much the same on my side."
Buffy stared at him baffled. "Xander! You beat up a Vampire."
As he stared back at her she thought he looked not just defensive, but a little guilty.
He said, "You say this like it's a bad thing."
"Xander, generally you're the one being beaten up." She stopped as his expression closed down. Taking a deep breath she started again, "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. And I'm certainly glad you didn't let him bash my skull in, but this is not normal."
Xander just stared back at her, as he sat upon the gravestone, his face neutral. Buffy shifted nervously. What was going on here?
"Buffy," he spoke haltingly. "If I tell you this it goes nowhere else. Not Willow, not Giles, nowhere. Understand?"
Xander, keeping what sounded like deep dark secrets from Willow? Okay, she'd just stepped into the twilight zone.
She nodded in agreement with Xanders request, and said, "Sure." While thinking, But only if this isn't something Hellmouthy that Giles should know about.
She felt her eyebrows shoot up as Xander said, "No, Buffy. Not Giles, not anyone."
Oookaaay, Xander reading her mind. She stared at him, feeling increasingly wigged out. He just looked back at her silently, waiting.
She bit her lip. Something was wrong with her friend and he wasn't going to tell her without her agreeing. At least if he tells me, even if I agree not to tell Giles and Willow, maybe I can still help.
"Okay," she relented. "I won't tell. I promise."
He searched her eyes for a moment then nodded. Xander took in a deep breath and said, "Buffy, I remember Halloween."
Huh? She thought blankly, and then said, "I'd be worried if you didn't. It was a pretty memorable experience. And it was only two weeks ago. It should take a month to repress, at least."
"No." He shook his head. "I remember everything, not just what happened, everything."
Everything? Everything of what? "Xander, I don't..."
He raised a hand and pointed at his head. "I've got Sydney Bristow up here Buff. All of her."
He had Sydney Bristow in his head? "You've got a fictional TV character in you head?" Some weird left over of the spell, maybe. Or he could be just imagining it. She'd had some pretty wiggy dreams from the leftovers of the personality that she'd become. The silence stretched on for a few seconds and Buffy realized she'd better break it. "So. Um, does she talk to you?"
Xander groaned and dropped his head into his hands.
Buffy winced. That hadn't come out like she'd intended. She sat beside him on the gravestone and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
"Sorry. It's just…"
She stopped as Xander looked up at her. He looked tired.
"I know Buff, and no, she doesn't speak to me, because she's not a separate person. I'm her."
There was another silence. "I don't mean to be dense but, huh?"
He sighed. "Buffy, I remember growing up in Sunnydale: Jessie, Willow, Barbie doll incident, yellow crayon, drunken abusive parents and all. I also remember growing up in a very different place, with two loving parents. I remember, them watching me ride the merry-go- round, I remember how I felt when my dad came home one night to tell me my mother had died in a car accident. I remember being recruited by SD-6, training, missions, I remember Danny…"
Xander's voice caught, then steadied. "Everything on the show I remember. Plus everything from her life that wasn't on the show. And it isn't just memories. It's emotions, reactions, everything."
He sighed again and stared off into the darkness.
Buffy looked wordlessly at the turmoil of emotions chasing across his face, and just held him a little tighter.
"That show that everyone watches as entertainment… God!" he gave a short bitter laugh. "My life, Buffy. The deaths of my friends, loved ones, the betrayals, the secrets. It's all just entertainment here."
Buffy started to say something, but Xander interrupted, shaking his head. "I know. One part of me knows that none of it was real. Yet the to the other part, it's nothing but real. There are two parts of me Buff. Xander is more me than Sydney is, but that doesn't mean that Sydney isn't here."
He fell quiet and Buffy could feel his muscles trembling under her arm, as they sat in silence.
He grew calmer again as the seconds passed and then Buffy spoke softly, "Maybe we can find some way to reverse it-"
She stopped as Xander shook his head. "I don't want to reverse it."
Taken back, Buffy asked, "Why?"
"Two reasons Buff. One: the people I… Sydney knew and loved; they weren't characters to her, they were people, living and breathing, and that's how I want to remember them. No matter how else it complicates my life. And, two: the skills from that other life make me more effective here." He looked into her eyes and gave a crooked smile. "You said it yourself: the vampires usually beat me up. But not Sydney. And if I can prevent just one more person from dying, Buffy, any discomfort on my part was worth it. Both parts of me agree on that."
"Xander," she started and then stopped. She couldn't even begin to sort out the ramifications of this. She continued to hesitate, and then said, "You…"
"Buffy," his said his expression almost pleading. "I didn't tell you because I needed to be talked into one decision or another. I just needed someone to talk to. As for G-man and Willow," he shook his head. "For various reasons, neither of them would react so well."
His expression was…fragile, was the only word she could think of, as he looked at her, "I need someone I can talk to Buff, I've had too many secrets from people I've cared about. In one life in particular. I'd like that person to be you. Please?"
Buffy felt tears sting her eyes at the open pleading on his face and she wrapped her other arm around him and hugged him.
His breath was a soft whisper near her ear as he said, "Thanks Buffy."
They pulled apart after a time and Buffy thought she saw a glimmer of a tear in his eye before he looked away.
Hesitating, she said, "This has got to be hard for you."
Xander gave a short laugh. "Buff, you have no idea."
"Oh?" she asked. Trying to lighten the tone.
"Think about it Buff." He said, looking at her. "Sydney was a woman…"
Buffy felt her eyes go wide.
The wall of the mausoleum was cool against her back as Buffy considered Xanders latest statement. They had been talking for the last half hour, sometimes wandering off topic just so Buffy could let it all sink in. "You know, Sark was actually kinda good looking, in a…"
She trailed off as a sudden thought struck her. She didn't know how to ask this next question so… she just asked, "Xander since you…err… her was a woman, does that mean you…"
Xanders eyes widened as he caught her meaning. "No! Definitely not. In spite of everything Sydney brought to the mix, this is still Xander here. I'm not interested in guys! Hell no!"
"Ah, okay." She couldn't resist. "But you do have a girl's perspective, so…"
Xander stared at her with an expression of horror. "Buffy, I will follow you into the Hellmouth… but I will not discuss boys with you. Kapeesh? This is screwing with my head enough as it is."
She couldn't resist taking another dig. "I still reserve the right to discuss other types of girl stuff."
He gave out a groan and stood, saying, "Well, if I can endure it for Francine I can endure it for you." He put out his hand and when she took it, pulled her to her feet. "Of course there is another interesting point to consider."
As they started back out of the cemetery Buffy asked, "What would that be?"
"Having the woman's perspective, means I'm damn good in bed." He met her startled glance and, grinning, said, "Think about it."