Following Xander and Buffy around the cemetery, I can't help thinking about the fact that it's December 30th, and we're gonna be taking tomorrow night off to party, so tonight's the last patrol of 2001.
I'll be so glad when this year is over. The worst stuff that ever happened to me happened this year: Joyce died. Tara got brain-sucked by Glory. Glory grabbed Dawn and the universe almost dissolved into chaos. Anya died saving Xander. Buffy died saving Dawn -- briefly. Xander had a guilt-complex and a breakdown over Anya's death. Buffy went through another post-traumatic psycho-bitchy phase, like the last time she died and came back, which almost ruined her new relationship with Xander. And just before Christmas, we caught Dawn stealing stuff from the Magic Box.
Yep, the Hellmouth's been extra hellacious this year. I wish we could just return this year and exchange it for one much less horrible.
. . . And now I'm sounding like Anya. How freaky is that?
Actually, I'm more sorry every day that I never really got to know Anya. She always seemed so jealous and possessive when she was with Xander, but when she died, she saw to it that he could move on with Buffy. Her willingness to let go of Xander is one of the things that got her into Heaven.
Not that Tara and I ever told Buffy and Xander about that. It just seemed a little, y'know, personal. Anya shared it with us, not with them.
Uh-oh. Demon up ahead. Looks like Xander's got it covered, but then Buffy yells, "No! Xander, wait!"
Too late. Xander has his axe out and hacks at the demon. His first blow misses, but the second scores, cutting a deep gash in the demon's arm. It swings wildly back, sending demon blood flying in all directions. Some of it spatters on my face, and I wipe at it, disgusted.
Xander's also wiping demon blood out of his face, and the demon tries to take advantage of his distraction. I ready a fireball spell, but before I can throw it, Buffy's on the demon, shrieking like a banshee, and cuts it down with her sword.
Then she turns on Xander and shrieks some more. "Didn't I tell you to wait, Xander? Now we're all in for it!" She glances worriedly at me and Tara. I glance at my lover, and see that she's got a little spot of glowing demon-blood on her cheek. But the spot fades as the blood seems to soak into her skin.
Oh, no. I've got a very bad feeling about this.
"Whaddya mean, Buff?" Xander asks, sounding totally clueless.
"That was one of those mouthless demons! You know, the 'aspect of the demon' guys?"
Xander stares at Buffy as her news sinks into his head. And I wonder if the telepathy thing is already working, 'cause he says the exact same thing that I'm thinking right now.
"Oh shit."
People think I don't see stuff. What do they think I am, stupid? There's all this stuff I know, and I don't dare talk about it, or else they'll get all quiet and mysterious-like around me, and I won't get to learn any more.
Like Buffy and Xander. Willow and Tara think I'm still crushing on Xander, and that I'm all mad about them getting together. Ha! If it weren't for me, they wouldn't be together in the first place -- Xander would still be hiding in his apartment, and Buffy would still be Little Miss Mopey-face, crying her eyes out 'cause the best friend she just fell in love with won't talk to her. But I was the one who got Buffy to admit she loved him, and to go over and talk to him about it.
Besides, they make each other happy. Why should I be mad about that?
No, what's got me freaked about the two of them is the other thing. I figured it out a while back, and I still can't quite deal with the freakyness of it.
See, Buffy's not in her own body anymore, she's in Faith's body. She has an illusion ring, which makes her look and feel like her old self; I should know, I've been on the receiving end of a few elbow-jabs, and when she's got that thing on, she's just as bony as ever.
But she can't wear it all the time; it only lasts about an hour, and then has to recharge for a day or so. So she saves it for a few patrols -- the local vamps actually think there are two Slayers in Sunnydale! -- and for visits from Social Services.
So then I got to thinking: what do Buffy and Xander do when they have sex? (Gag!) I guess they can use the ring sometimes . . . but I'm sure most of the time they can't. So Xander's going to bed with someone who looks like Faith, who tried to kill him, and Buffy . . . she's having sex in someone else's body.
Now that's whacked.
I mean, Buffy was short, skinny to the point of anorexia, and kinda boyish. I mean, I'm only fifteen-and-a-half and my chest is bigger than hers was!
Faith, on the other hand . . . she was taller, and more muscle-y, and what the boys in school call "stacked." Not quite as big-chesty as Cordelia the Evil May Queen, but definitely more developed than Buffy ever was. Only it's Buffy in that body now, and I wonder what it's like to have your boobs suddenly get twice as big, and not because you went to some plastic surgeon--
The door opens -- they're back from patrol!
"--and next time, maybe you'll listen when I tell you to back off, Xander--"
"You're always telling me to back off, Buffy; I can't let you do everything, you know--"
"Guys! We have to call Giles and get him over here so he can brew our antidote! It's a lucky thing I remembered you need the heart of the demon to make it--"
Uh-oh. Sounds like things just got even weirder than usual.
Of course, no one tells me what's going on, so I have to wait until Giles gets here, and then listen in from the stairs.
Seems like they ran into the same kind of demon that gave Buffy that freaky mind-reading ability two years ago. This time, though, Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Tara all got splashed by the demon blood. Pretty soon, they're gonna start picking up stray thoughts from everyone around, until they won't be able to tell which thoughts are their own anymore.
Willow remembered that Giles was able to make an antidote from a heart from the same kind of demon, but there's a problem.
One demon heart. Four of them.
"Last time, I was able to make enough antidote for two people from one heart. You could all draw straws--"
"No!" all four of them answer at once.
Ha! I could've told him they wouldn't go for that. Who wants to be safe when your best friends -- or the person you love -- might be going nuts in your place?
Giles is furious, though. "Some of you will just have to do it! In a day or so, the heart won't be any good anymore, whether I've made it into the antidote or not. If you don't use it, we'll have to go out and get two more hearts, not just one!"
I'm about to make the obvious suggestion, when Willow -- of course! -- beats me to it. "Why don't we all take a half-dose of the antidote? Maybe it'll slow this thing down, or weaken it. Give Spike some more time to find another demon."
"Spike?!" Buffy, Xander, and Giles all yell.
Willow shrugs. "Of course. Who else is gonna do it? Only another demon can fight these things without running the risk of becoming infected. Angel was the one who got the demon heart the last time . . . "
Buffy grumbles at the idea of asking Spike for another favor, which is so totally unfair. I mean, he's gotten over his stalker-thing for her, and he almost got killed trying to get me away from that creepy Doc-demon, and he sometimes comes over to stay with me when everyone else is out on patrol . . .
"I'll ask him," I announce. They all look up at me -- they probably didn't notice I was here till now -- and I get my snarkiest tone ready as I go on, "That way my big sister doesn't have to go begging to the Big Bad for help. Besides, I'll actually knock on his door before barging in on him, unlike some people."
Buffy gives me her best if-looks-could-kill-you'd-be-dust glare, but I just make a face back at her. After being held captive by a Hellgod, my big sister can't really scare me anymore.
"All right, then," Giles finally sighs. "Dawn will talk to Spike in the morning. In the meantime, we still need to isolate you four. I seem to recall that in its early stages, the telepathy functioned at a very limited range, which means if we can keep you in isolation, the only thoughts you will be able to read will be each other's."
Ah ha! There are some distinctly uncomfortable looks on all those faces. I wonder what secrets they've all been hiding from each other?
Giles doesn't seem to notice. "But where could you stay, where you won't come into contact with anyone else?"
Xander makes a face. "Normally, I'd be the last one to suggest this, but . . . what about the Crawford Street mansion? There are no other houses within a quarter-mile or so, and since it's mostly masonry instead of wood, it's actually in pretty good shape." He smirks -- he looks so cute when he does that! "Someone recently wanted to hire the company I work for to renovate it, turn it into a hotel or something, but they couldn't get a clear title to the property. I'll bet Deadboy actually bought the place at one time or another."
"Speaking of Angel, maybe I should call him too," says Willow. Figures, she's the only one brave enough to actually suggest that. "Those demons aren't very common, so we should have him keeping an eye out for one in L.A."
The others reluctantly agree, Giles says he'll get right to brewing the potion . . . and then Buffy makes a nasty remark about how late it is, and how little girls should be in bed.
Translation: they're gonna talk about stuff they don't want me to hear. Unfortunately, since she's actually noticed me now, I probably won't be able to eavesdrop any more. So I just make some loud grumbly-noises and stomp up the stairs, hoping to shake a little plaster down on their heads.
As I get changed, though, I wonder . . . just what do they all have to hide?
Well, they won't be able to hide it much longer.
I'm half-tempted to go down there and touch the demon blood on that heart, just to find out. But no . . . who would wanna get inside my sister's empty head?! Yeeesh!