But he has a soul

Author: Drake Tepes <daemondrake[at]charter.net>

Author: Bastard Snow <mamille5[at]vt.edu>

Rating: R (but not as hard as the last one)

Disclaimer: We don't own these characters, but if we did, we'd be writing ourselves in as Xander. Especially in the previous story... and in what we plan for the sequel.

Authors' Notes section:
<Draken>Hiya Readers, this is Drake Tepes aka: D-Tepes, Drake (Not of Wanderverse) and Perv...
<SWTrilman> And this is Mark, aka: Bastard Snow and SWTrilman.
<Draken>So, welcome to our Author Notes.
<SWTrilman> We've decided, in this fic, to pick on Buffy, because she's very stupid this season.
<Draken> This season?
<SWTrilman> Specifically. More so than others.
<Draken> She's blonde, we can safely say every season.
<SWTrilman> Right, cuz that's her real hair color...
<Draken> I'd be willing to check... I need some spelunking gear...
<SWTrilman> ANYWAY. This is a companion piece to About That Bomb.
<Draken> Which you must have read, if you're reading this. If you haven't read it, I don't like you anymore.
<SWTrilman> Neither do I. Unless you read this, in which case, I do like you.
<Draken> Or you read the other after reading this. We're very forgiving like that.
<SWTrilman> Also kind of fickle
<Draken> And readers, do you know why we're forgiving and fickle?
<SWTrilman> Why is that, Drake?
<Draken> Glad you asked Mark. It's because... We have souls now.
<SWTrilman> Drake, am I going to have to shoot you?
<Draken> More than likely. Just quote Babylon 5 about why. But anyway, since we have souls...
<SWTrilman> Drake...
<Draken> Mark, fine. Since I have a soul. I won't speak for Mark. Nope, I won't. He must've boffed Buffy and lost it. But anyway, where were we?
<SWTrilman> What am I, Angel? No. I have a soul, too, I just don't like to brag about it. Anyway, we were introducing this fic.
<Draken> Fine fine, no more bragging (but mine is a glowy pretty one, insane people tell me so). This fic is what happens when we geeks get bored.
<SWTrilman> And when we have over-inflated ego's from the feedback to our previous story.
<Draken> Inflation can be bad. Like our story. Just remember, you did ask for it.
<SWTrilman> Hey, this isn't *that* bad.
<Draken> Well, okay, so it's better than what you usually write, thanks to me of course. But I wouldn't say it's good. It's more parody, and thus, has to be bad.
<SWTrilman> What's wrong with what I usually write?
<Draken> You write B/X most of the time. Do I need to explain more?
<SWTrilman> Hey, B/X is not bad, I just like the idea of it. I'm an underdog guy. Besides, I haven't even started posting that yet, so these fine folks don't know about it. And it's better than that piece of crap "After The Thrill Is Gone" that you wrote. What were you on, man?
<Draken> Hey! It was an earlier time when X/C were still a couple. It was my first complete fic man, and it wasn't bad. I got good feedback on it.
<SWTrilman> Oh, we both know you paid people for that feedback.
<Draken> That was never proven!
<SWTrilman> I saw the checks you wrote!
<Draken> You didn't even know me back then you limey git!
<SWTrilman> Okay, you live in WEST VIRGINIA, not England!
<Draken> Blame the fanfic, I read one thing with slang and I become it. And like you're one to talk, bloody Hokie!
<SWTrilman> "Blame the fanfic" he says. Fine, I will, but maybe you can explain to our readers why you think Spike was under the First's control LAST SEASON
<Draken> It's logical and explains the TOTAL shift in his character. Because Spike of Season 6 (post Dawn moments ep 1) was not the same Spike as ANY of the previous ones. And we all know that The First has a mad-on for Vamps with souls.
<SWTrilman> Spike was different because of shoddy writing.
<Draken> Which also supports my theory that The First is actually Noxon. Which also explains it's mad-on for shirtless Spike.
<SWTrilman> Pretty sure you're the one with the 'mad-on' for shirtless Spike
<Draken> Jackass. Very glad I was trying to show restraint and say "mad-on" instead of "hard-on", because then I'd most likely have you thinking I meant *you*.
<SWTrilman> Great! Now you just RAISED the rating of the Author's Notes! Good freakin' job, you dillhole!
<Draken> Shuddup Cornholio, go find TP for your bunghole! Use the scripts Noxon works on.
<SWTrilman> I bet you'd like to make it with Noxon, wouldn't you?
<Draken> I'd rather catch myself in my zipper. Wait, is she cute? Maybe I'll take that back 'cause really, I'm a guy with low standards. That's why I work with you.
<SWTrilman> Dude, you're so low, Buffy wouldn't sleep with you.
<Draken> Hey, now that's just mean. And besides, the feeling is completely mutual.
<SWTrilman> Yeah, you're just waiting to get your hands on Dawn's jailbait.
<Draken> I'll have you know she's legal in several states.
<SWTrilman> So's screwin' your cousin. Don't make it a good idea. But then, you'd know about that, wouldn't you?
<Draken> You're in Virginia, people in inbred states shouldn't throw relatives.
<SWTrilman> Is that some sort of 'glass houses' reference? Man you really fucked that up.
<Draken> It's almost 4am dude, what do you expect? I'm just glad I'm typing semi-coherent. Pillock.
<SWTrilman> Okay, I've had about enough of your Brit crap.
<Draken> Oh, terribly sorry you poofter.
<SWTrilman> Stop! I mean it!
<Draken> Hey, it fits. I heard you go on and on about Andrew, how cute Andrew is and how Xander was, and I quote, "a big fat doody head" for not noticing Andrew.
<SWTrilman> Okay, seriously, stop. I'm sick of it
<Draken> Oh come on, you're like the Gel-Boy.
<SWTrilman> THAT'S IT! *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
<SWTrilman> *cough*
<Draken> ... mommy ... *dies*
<SWTrilman> Um. Folks, Drake seems to have left us. Anyway... enjoy the fic, we hope you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it. And any parts that you think suck? Drake wrote them. So long!

Andrew: "I'm sure since Willow's gone she won't mind me using her computer a little... Just to check for updates, of course, and maybe that webcam... what was that address Jonathan found..."

Dawn: "Who are you talking to?"

Andrew: "Oh, nobody. Not the First, if that's what you're thinking."

Dawn: "Well, I wasn't."

Andrew: "Oh, then, I wasn't anyway."

Dawn: "Hey, that's Willow computer. She doesn't like people touching it."

Andrew: "I just wanted to get online for a few minutes..."

Dawn: "Get online? Andrew, just because Willow's a lesbian doesn't mean she has porn."

Andrew: "I wouldn't want her porn anyway, but that's beside the point.... I just wanted to check and see how Xander's doing... I mean to see how they're both doing."

Dawn: "You can do that?"

Andrew: "Yeah, see last year, when I was still evil, Jonathan found a webcam in Angel's hotel. We can see what's going on."

Dawn: "So you can patch us in now?"

Andrew: "It's not 'patching' just a website with a password."

Dawn: "Well, what's the password then?"

Andrew: "LindseySucks. I wonder who Lindsey is?"

Dawn: "I don't know, Wait, who put the cameras in there anyway?"

Andrew: "Some law firm in LA. I think they're checking up on Angel, too."

Dawn: "Lawyers, must be evil then. Well, what are you waiting for, patch us in."

Andrew (whining): "It's not a patch!"

Dawn: "Whatever."

Andrew types a few key strokes and the picture comes up.

Dawn: "And this is a live feed thingie? Is there any sound?"

Andrew: "Hold on, one second..." (turns on Willow's speakers, and sound comes out) "And yes, this is live."

Dawn: "They're arguing."

Speakers: Xander: "He can watch Passions with Spike." Angel: "Spike watches Passions?" Xander: "Routinely."

Andrew: "Why are they talking about Spike?"

Dawn: "Well, Angel's his sire. Maybe he's still curious."

Andrew: "Curiousity can be good..."

Dawn (odd look at Andrew): "What?"

Buffy (entering the room): "Did someone say something about Spike?"

Dawn rolls her eyes

Andrew: "Um, no, not really." (tries to turn off the feed)

Buffy: "And what are you doing on Willow's computer? She'll kill you!"

Andrew: "Willow won't kill anybody, she's past that stage and I'll thank you not to keep bringing it up!"

Dawn: "We all want to kill him Buffy but we show self control."

Buffy (scowling at Dawn): "Well, what are you looking at?"

Dawn: "Andrew was looking at Willow's porn collection."

Andrew: "I was not!"

Buffy: "What, then?"

Andrew: "Nothing! Certainly not Xander and Willow at Angel's hotel."

Buffy (dreamy): "Angel?"

Dawn (rolls her eyes): "What did you ever see in him? He uses way too much hair gel."

Andrew: "But look at how he wears leather."

Buffy: "Who was I supposed to go after? Xander?"

Dawn and Andrew: "Yes!"

Molly: "What's all the noise?"

Andrew: "I mean, um, oh, look an argument!" (turns sound up)

Speakers: Willow: "And she got vengeance for scorned women." Cordy: "That'd be me." Lorne: "Wait, let me get this straight, you piss off Cordy,Anyanka shows up and somehow you get engaged to her? Didn't she burn your entrails?"

Buffy: "Andrew and Dawn are spying on Angel and the gang."

Molly: "Angel, he's the other undead you used to shag, right?"

Buffy: "Yes. And he had a soul, too."

Dawn (muttering softly): "So many you may need to be more specific."

Buffy: "I heard that Dawn."

Andrew: "Wow, he really does have a lot of hair gel."

Spike: "Hair gel? Somebody talking about my poof of a sire?"

Dawn: "Yeah, we're talking about the brooder, er, well watching him anyway."

Molly: "How's his head not tilt with that much on there?"

Andrew: "Wow, it's getting kind of crowded in here..."

Buffy: "I remember him having very strong neck muscles."

Dawn: "That's not the only muscle you checked out."

Buffy: "Dawn, behave."

Dawn: "Buffy, stop screwing those you're supposed to kill."

Andrew: "What muscle did you check out?"

Buffy: "Dawn!"

Molly: "I wouldn't do the gel man over there. Spike maybe, but he has a sexy accent."

Buffy (growling at Molly): "Mine."

Spike: "Thanks, luv. But, don't you have the same accent?"

Andrew: "Does she growl like that often?"

Molly: "No, mine's far more fake than yours. I learned it from watching Americans doing Brit accents."

Speakers: Willow: "You didn't tell her?!? ALEXANDER LAVELLE HARRIS!" All but Cordy: "LaVelle?"

Buffy: "Wait, what didn't he tell who? Why's she pissed?"

Speakers: Xander: "Look, it was him or the world."

Andrew: "I don't know, you growled over what they were saying."

Speakers: Gunn: "So, you lied to the woman you loved, so she would kill the vampire she loved, to save the world?" Xander: "Essentially."

Buffy: "He... lied to me?"

Spike: "Way to go, Droopy!"

Dawn: "What'd he lie about?"

Buffy: "Well, something about Angel, obviously. Andrew, turn that up."

Speakers: Lorne: "And where was Cordy in all this?" Cordy: "I was helping Willow and Oz with the spell."

Buffy: "The spell? Do they mean the curse? I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!"

Dawn: "Real mature Buffy."

Spike: "I thought you'd moved on, now."

Molly: "What'd I miss?"

Buffy: "But he had his soul!"

Spike: "No, luv, he didn't. That's the point."

Buffy: "But he was getting it back!"

Spike: "But the world was still ending. I was there, pet. Remember?"

Buffy: "So? He used to have a soul!"

Dawn: "Which got tormented in Hell for a few hundred years. And he killed Ms. Calendar, so I'm really okay with that."

Molly: "So you'd rather have known about the curse and the world go to hell so you could get your shag buddy back?"

Dawn: "It's how she is."

Buffy: "It's not like that."

Spike: "It's exactly like that, luv. Same reason you won't stake me."

Buffy: "But you have a soul!"

Spike: "Stop saying that!"

Andrew: "He still killed lots of people, though."

Molly: "Didn't Hitler have a soul?"

Buffy: "It's different!"

Spike: "Hitler was a dumbass demon, so no, he didn't have a soul."

Dawn: "Wait, Hitler was a demon?"

Spike: "Yeah, his race is known for their small dicks. Now you know why the Nazi's came about."

Dawn: "They leave out the best stuff in school sanctioned history!"

Speakers: Willow: "But Riley stopped him before he hurt anybody." Angel: "Riley?" Gunn: "Tara was attacked out of jealousy?"

Andrew: "Um, what was that curse thing?"

Spike: "Oh good, talking about GI Joke now. Curse gave Angelus a soul, and turned him into a bleeding-heart Nancy-boy"

Andrew: "Wait is he brooding right now? Aw, he looks kind of cute like that."

Everyone Else Gives Andrew A Strange Look

Buffy: "What are they saying about Riley?"

Molly: "Who was Tara?"

Dawn: "Nothing now. Looks like they got bored with him as fast as the rest of us."

Spike: "Good one niblet."

Dawn: "Tara was Willow's girlfriend. She was killed last year."

Molly: "Oh. Sorry. Wait, who's the cute idiot beside the busty one?"

Speakers: Faith: "Then you, Connor and us ladies." Willow: "I am not doing this. I'm in a relationship." Xander (scoffing): "Yeah, with Kennedy."

Dawn: "What's this?"

Speakers: Willow: "And what's wrong with Kennedy?" Xander: "What ISN'T wrong with Kennedy?" Willow: "I thought you liked her!" Xander: "I was pretending for your sake!" Gunn: "Here they go again." Xander: "I can't stand any of those girls. Okay, maybe Molly. But the rest, no!"

Dawn: "Wow, somebody finally let the truth about Kennedy out."

Molly: "Well isn't he a sweety. Especially when sweaty."

Dawn: "Oh yeah. Did you see when he was fixing air conditioner the other day?"

Molly: "Are you kidding? We were all lined up watching."

Andrew: "He is pretty manly."

Group gives Andrew another odd look

Spike: "Is there something you want to tell us?"

Andrew: "This is just one man appreciating another, nothing wrong with that!"

Buffy: "I can't believe Xander lied to me."

Spike: "Let it go, luv."

Dawn: "Buffy, we've all lied to you, deal with it. I'd have done the same thing."

Buffy: "But he had a soul, and, he was my first and... How can you say that?"

Molly: "God, it's girls like her that make men afraid to pop cherries, so damn sentimental."

Spike: "Would you stop with that soul crap? It's getting kind of old."

Buffy: "But he had a soul, and he got it back and Xander..."

Andrew: "You know, not to remind anyone of my days as evil, but we had our souls then."

Dawn: "Xander saved the world, then Buffy. And he's done it since, too."

Buffy: "But he lied to me."

Spike: "Oh, would you get over yourself? She's going to whine about him lying like she harps aobut the bloody soul, isn't she?"

Dawn: "She's always been a whiner."

Buffy: "Look who's talking! You whined your way through everything!"

Spike: "I think my attraction to her is proof the dick can override the mind, heart, senses, God, Satan, anything..."

Dawn: "Actually, I'm only three years old. Perfectly acceptable to whine."

Molly: "But she's still a kid, kids are supposed to whine."

Andrew: "You're three years old? You're very well grown up for that."

Molly: "I've noticed just how grown up she is..." (winks at Dawn)

Spike: "Another one? I thought Kennedy and Willow were the token lesbians for our group."

Molly: "I'm not a lesbian, I just don't limit my choices."

Andrew: "I'm more of a lesbian than Kennedy"

Buffy: "Oh great, Molly is Faith."

Speakers: Xander: "Deadboy Jr., you're really pressing on my nerve." Faith: "He could do it quite well, Red." Connor: "Stop calling me that!" Angel: "Give it up, son."

Buffy: "Did he just say son?"

Spike: "Angel has a son? Bleeding hell, that's just what this world needs another poof."

Dawn: "I guess that means you have an Uncle... or is it brother?"

Spike: "Damn fucked up parentage."

Buffy: "Angel has a son? He said he couldn't..."

Spike: "Wonder who his mum is."

Dawn: "Guess another guy lied to you, huh Buffy."

Buffy: "But... he has a soul!"

Molly (a la Princess Bride): "I do not think that means what you think it means."

Andrew: "She keeps saying that."

Dawn: "My sister doesn't know too many words."

Speakers: Willow (remembering): "Oh, the Speedo." Connor: "What's a Speedo?" Fred: "Speedo?" Willow: "It was a good Speedo." Xander: "Forget the Speedo, let's talk about the bomb."

Dawn: "Speedo?"

Molly: "Mmm, he wore speedos?"

Buffy: "They must be talking about Xander."

Andrew: "What, speedos? Pictures?"

Dawn: "Wait, Buffy, Xander was in a speedo and you didn't tell me?"

Buffy: "It was Xander. Who cares?"

Dawn, Andrew, Molly: "Me!"

Andrew: "I mean them."

Spike: "I've seen him like that, it's not bad actually."

Dawn: "When did you see him like that?"

Spike: "I did live with him, remember?"

Andrew: "Was he a good roommate? I think he'd be a good roommate."

Spike: "I kept having to watch him and Anya have sex."

Andrew, Dawn and Molly: "Lucky bastard."

Anya: "Did I hear my name and sex?"

Spike: "Just reminiscing about our days in the basement, luv."

Anya: "The school basement?"

Spike: "No, Xander's."

Anya: "Oh. Those were fun days."

Molly: "School basement?"

Spike: "Not for me, pet. I don't swing that way. Not anymore, at least."

Dawn: "I swing that way. What was it like?"

Buffy: "Dawn!"

Andrew: "Spike was going insane in the school basement."

Molly: "Spike was insane? When was this?"

Spike: "A few months ago. I'm mostly over it now."

Buffy: "It doesn't matter. What're they saying about me now?"

Dawn: "It's not always about you."

Speakers: Xander: "I did not need that mental image, Wes." Angel: "I've got one also..." Willow: "I didn't mind the image." Xander: "I think I've just gone impotent."

Dawn, Molly, Andrew: "No!"

Anya: "He's impotent?! They broke my Xander!"

Dawn: "He's not your Xander, Anya. If he's anybody's, he's Willow's. But I would say my claim comes right after hers."

Andrew: "But, isn't Willow gay?"

Buffy: "What claim!?"

Anya: "Yes, but she used to be in love with Xander."

Andrew: "Who could blame her."

Dawn: "On Xander! Remember my crush on him since forever?"

Buffy: "But you're too young for him."

Dawn: "Won't be next year..."

Spike: "Isn't she older than you when you shagged the soul out of my Sire?"

Dawn: "Yes, but i'm not a slut like my sister."

Molly: "No one's perfect."

Buffy: "Dawn!"

Anya: "Buffy, you do get around."

Buffy: "I do not!"

Anya: "What about Parker?"

Spike: "Anyone notice the trend about how they leave town when they're done too? Damn dick brought me back. Need to have a talk with it."

Dawn: "Who's Parker?"

Spike: "Someone who shagged big sis, then never came back."

Dawn: "Really?"

Spike: "Yep. Bloke had the right idea."

Molly: "Guess he was one of the smarter ones."

Buffy: "How could you say that Spike, you have a soul now!"

Spike: "And I was evil for over a century. You're what, surprised? I swear, you say that one more time and I'm staking myself."

Speakers: Faith: "My first was a human, although just barely." Angel: "My first was human." Xander: "Doesn't count if it was over two hundred years ago." Angel: "That's just age-ism."

Spike: "They should have asked if his first was female."

Dawn: "Ha! See? And if I was with Xander, it wouldn't be cradle robbing as much as Angel."

Buffy: "But he had a soul. And as you said, you're only three."

Dawn: "Xander has a soul, too."

Spike: "That's it." (Spike rams a stake through his chest and goes poof... then rematerializes)

Andrew: "Whoa, cool effects!"

Chao-Ahn (translated): "What is everyone doing up here? Why did that man just turn to dust and back?"

Molly: "Did anybody understand that?"

Chao-Ahn shakes her head and walks away.

Spike: "Oh fucking hell, I'm robbed of my dignity, my sanity and my ability to wear shirts... now I can't even die!? Must be a plot by that fucking Noxon."

Andrew: "What's a Noxon?"

Dawn: "Do the math, Buffy. 242 and 17, or 23 and 3. I still come out a head by over 200 years."

Spike: "Besides, niblet, you don't have the body of a 3 year old."

Buffy: "Spike! She's my sister!"

Dawn (as Buffy): "And I have a soul!"

Buffy: "Stop that!"

Andrew: "Um... still wondering about that Noxon..."

Spike: "Noxon is this nasty ass demon I fucked with a few years ago, wanted to get revenge on me for not sleeping with it... as if, damn thing was uglier than a run over Chaos demon... This must be its revenge, this is hell."

Andrew (pats Spike's shoulder): "Um, that's kind of disturbing... but I'm sure it'll be okay."

Anya: "Oh, I met the Noxon demon once... they're all evil bitches. I'm sorry for your pain Spike."

Speakers: Wes: "WOULD YOU GET TO THE BLOODY BOMB ALREADY?" Xander: "Bomb? What bomb?"

Buffy and Dawn: "Bomb?"

Speakers: Willow: "Something about Jack O'Toole?" Xander: "Oh, that bomb."

Spike: "Well what's Droopy doing with a bomb?"

Buffy: "Xander never did anything with a bomb. I'd know about it if he did."

Andrew: "I thought you didn't trust him now."

Dawn: "And it's not like you ever payed any attention to him anyway."

Spike: "Bit's got a point, luv. The whelp has more heart than any of you, and you treat him like crap."

Dawn (to Spike): "I thought you didn't like Xander."

Spike: "I was evil, I hated him. Just 'cause I hated him doesn't mean I didn't like him. Hell, I love Buffy..." (looks at his traitorous crotch and mutters softly "At least part of me does, damn dick." (normal voice) "Doesn't mean I always like Buffy... or ever like her really..." (muttering softly again) "Damn Slayers shouldn't be allowed to use Kegel exercises..."

Dawn: "So, you like him... and you hate him?"

Spike: "Well, more respect really. He's the only one of you lot's never turned bad, right? That kind of perseverence, especially here, takes some character."

Buffy: "But he did go bad, tried to kill me and Willow."

Dawn: "But he was posessed. It wasn't really him. Blame him for that, and you have to blame Angel and Spike for everything they ever did."

Spike: "You probably deserved it."

Molly: "Did he have a soul?"

Spike (to Molly): "Don't you start too!"

Andrew: "Besides, Xander would never purposely hurt Willow. He's too noble for that."

Andrew gets yet more odd looks.

Buffy: "But he'd hurt me?"

Dawn: "Who wouldn't?"

Andrew: "I'm with Spike, you probably deserved it."

Anya: "Oh, if I had powers, so be using them on you Buffy."

Buffy: "But you couldn't use them unless someone wished them."

Dawn: "I wish my sister wasn't a heinous bitch."

Spike: "I wish Buffy weren't such an airhead."

Andrew: "I wish Xander was here."

Molly: "I wish Buffy weren't shagging all the undead."

Chao-Ahn (translated): "That Wood person was just eaten by very large, hellish looking dogs. Should somebody do something about this? Perhaps the short yet forceful blonde one?"

Everybody stares at her until she leaves.

Buffy: "Don't worry about her, she's just another token minority."

Rona (from Off-screen): "Did somebody call for me?"

Andrew (yelling): "No, we're just talking!"

Buffy: "Anyway, Xander was always trying to get me to kill Angel."

Dawn: "He was evil!"

Spike: "Pet, even *I* tried to get you to kill Angel."

Molly: "Angel is a vampire, job to kill 'em ain't it?"

Buffy: "But --"

Speakers: Faith: "Wait, Cordy really did bump'n'grind her kid?" Angel: "Not her actual son." Xander: "Then whose?" Angel: "Mine and Darla's."

Buffy: "Darla!!!"

Andrew: "Wasn't she dead?"

Dawn: "Like that stops anybody around here."

Buffy: "He had a son with Darla..."

Spike: "Hold on, my brother or Uncle is also my great Uncle?"

Molly: "You have a very confusing family tree."

Spike: "I think someone needs to trim the branches."

Dawn: "Hey, Buffy, why don't you sleep with Angel's son? Make it a family thing?"

Andrew: "That was really cruel. You're funny."

Molly: "So all Americans are like I saw on Jerry Springer?"

Spike: "Angel's Irish, blame them too."

Anya: "This is all very fun."

Kennedy: "What are you all doing in here?"

Andrew: "Oh... Oh! Nothing."

Spike: "Watching Droopy, Red and the Poofter's Panty Brigade."

Kennedy: "Willow's there?

Speakers (Over the din): Connor: "What's Boytoy?" Xander: "That'd be me." Fred: (to Faith) "He's really that good?" Gunn: "Hey!" Faith (to Fred): "Got me four times in 20 minutes. He wasn't lying." Connor: "You're Boytoy? Why?" Xander: "Because I released Faith's tension."

Molly: "Fuck me, four times in 20?"

Buffy: "No way."

Andrew: "I wish he would..."

Anya: "Oh, believe it."

Spike: "I had to bloody well watch, it's not a lie."

Speakers: Connor: "And you're going to release Cordy's?" Willow: (to Faith) "Maybe I was a bit hasty on the gay thing."

Kennedy: "Wait, what did she just say?"

Anya: "He better not release Cordy's tension, he's still mine dammit."

Molly: "Would you consider renting him?"

Spike: "Oh, sod off. You're a worse lesbian than nerd-boy."

Andrew: "Thank you, Spike."

Dawn: "Andrew's a cute lesbian, except for the whole obsessing on Xander thing."

Andrew: "It's not an obsession... it's an admiration."

Speakers: Willow: "Xander, four times?" Xander: "What? Hey, you had computers, I had a lot of time to get to know myself." Willow: "Eww... mental picture.... Actually..." Girls: "Hmmm..."

Molly, Anya, Dawn and Andrew: "Hmm..."

Buffy: "I can't believe you're all drooling over Xander!"

Dawn: "Why, because he had a pulse?"

Anya: "You're too blonde to know how good he is."

Buffy: "No! He's just... Xander!"

Spike: "That's great logic, there, pet."

Molly: "Anya, about the renting him out?"

Anya: "Well, only if I could be there."

Buffy: "But, Riley had a pulse."

Spike: "Not so as you'd know it."

Molly: "Fine with me, you me and Xander."

Dawn: "Can I get in on that action?"

Buffy: "Dawn!"

Andrew: "Will there be a tape of this?"

More odd looks at Andrew

Andrew: "I'll videotape.. and join in... if that's okay."

Molly: "Dawn, I'd be happy to have you... with or without the others."

Buffy: "There will be no doing of Dawn with or without others!"

Dawn: "Like I'd let you know beforehand."

Speakers: Faith: "Wait, Xander, you're single right?" Xander: "Yes. Anya and I are officially over."

Molly, Dawn and Andrew: "Yes!"

Anya: "What? I still have the ring!"

Buffy: "What's the big deal about Xander?"

Spike: "Whelp's got himself a fan club."

Anya: "The big deal is he has a very big deal in his pants."

Dawn: "How big?

Andrew: "Oh! Can I be president of the fan club?"

Anya gestures with her hands

Girls: "Wow..."

Spike: "Really? Bloody impressive."

Buffy: "I thought humans couldn't get that big..."

Dawn: "Like you'd know."

Speakers: "Faith: "You have that Kennedy chick, Xander's mine." Willow: "Nobody owns me. And Kennedy sucks, I was just bored."

Kennedy: "I what?!"

Spike: "You do. And she was."

Dawn: "I think she said you suck. Or maybe you suck for not sucking, I don't know."

Andrew: "For a lesbian, Kennedy must be bad at doing the job."

Molly: "Girls are supposed to be good at it. Kennedy, you didn't use to be a man did you?"

Anya: "The job is something Xander could always get done. And I mean sex, not construction."

Spike: "Don't remind me Anya, I still remember the damn moans."

Anya: "You should have used the time to study technique, Spike. While I you were great, Spike, Xander was just better. It's a girth thing."

Buffy: "There is no way I believe Xander was better than Spike."

Spike: "Well, she did call his name out. Suppose it's not too hard to believe, tho I hold that I'm still better than that nancy-boy sire of mine."

Dawn: "I'd be willing to do a compare and contrast."

Molly: "I'm willing to compare also."

Buffy: "Nobody will be doing any comparing!"

Spike: "Afraid I'll run off with one of the young ones, Slayer?"

Buffy: "You wouldn't, you have your soul!"

Spike: "You mention my soul again and I will snap your neck on bloody principle!"

Andrew: "Spike, you might want to come see this."

Speakers: Guys: "Thank you god." Xander: "Wow..." Cordy: "FRED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NAKED!" Fred: "Guys! Hi. I seem to be having a slight case of nudity."

Spike: "Damn, she's nice. Tight body, nothing flashy, down home... I like."

Kennedy: "Naked girl?"

Buffy: "Like you care."

Molly: "Her name's Fred? I have to look her up."

Kennedy: "I'm totally a lesbian."

Molly: "I'll be the judge of that."

Molly grabs Kennedy and kisses her.

Spike: "Elton John likes women more than you."

Kennedy: "What, ew, hey!"

Molly: "Nope, definitely a hetero in lezzie clothing."

Dawn: "Is it wrong I found that hot?"

Buffy: "Yes!"

Molly: "Not at all

Anya: "If it is, we're both wrong. Dawn, you, me, Molly and Xander... maybe Spike, you up for that?"

Dawn: "Oh you bet."

Spike: "Do your own thing, bit. Don't listen to your sister, she's repressed."

Anya: "Buffy has issues. Maybe she's a lesbian, look at how her relationships with guys go."

Spike: "You know, Anya raises a good pont."

Buffy: "I am not a lesbian!"

Kennedy: "Is there something wrong with that?"

Dawn: "Buffy, it's okay if you are. I'll still accept you."

Molly: "Like you'd know anything about it Kennedy."

Anya: "That would also explain why she never had any interest in Xander."

Dawn: "What do you mean?"

Andrew: "You'd have to be firmly entrenched in the gay side of the force not to notice Xander."

Anya: "He's right. Every straight woman or demon under the sun has wanted Xander, except Buffy and Tara."

Dawn: "Actually, Tara thought Xander was a sweety."

Anya: "Well he is."

Spike: "Didn't Buffy like him under a spell?"

Dawn: "Yes. It took magic to get Buffy to look at him like a man."

Anya: "She must be a lesbian."

Molly: "It took a spell? She's definitely playing for the lady golfers."

Speakers: "Willow: "I don't know who's hand that is, but either stop it or let me thank you later!" Xander: "That's my Willow."

Kennedy: "His Willow?"

Anya: "She's always been his Willow."

Spike: "Damn, catfight. Love to see that in person."

Molly: "I'd like to be rolling around with all those girls."

Andrew: "That doesn't look much like fighting..."

Dawn: "Same here."

Buffy: "Dawn! No rolling around with girls for you!"

Dawn: "You never let me have any fun!"

Spike: "And you gettin' horizontal with the undead. Not that I mind, but isn't that a bit hypocritical, luv?"

Molly: "We'll have some fun next time your sis is shagging the undead, sound good Dawn?"

Anya: "Can I come?"

Molly: (looking Anya up and down) "I think that can be easily arranged..."

Speakers: Willow: "Okay, now that's my face!" Faith: "Turn about's fair plaAAAYY!! OH GOD!"

Spike: "Well I won't be the undead she's shagging, I'm tired of... They're really getting into this."

Andrew: "They look all icky"

Molly: "I wonder if Willow would like someone with experience instead of a pretender like Kennedy."

Kennedy: "I am not a pretender!"

Spike: "Give it up, pet."

Molly: "My mum kissed me with more passion than you did."

Odd looks at Molly

Molly: "Not like that!"

Speakers: Xander: "Look at the smile on her face." Willow (groggy): "He's MY Xander....."

Kennedy: "Her Xander?"

Anya: "He's always been that, too."

Dawn: "Damn, Willow's looking good..."

Spike: "Hrm, I really picked the wrong Scooby to let my dick lead me to."

Dawn: "Yeah you did."

Spike (to Dawn): "Well, I'm over your sis now... If you want I'm open to it. Goes for the rest of you too."

Buffy: "But you have a soul!"

Spike: "That's bloody well it!"

Spike walks over and snaps Buffy's neck

All but Dawn applaud

Dawn: "Not like that'll stick, either. She's like that damn Kenny, she'll be alive again soon."

Andrew: "OH MY GOD YOU KILLED BUFFY!"

Kennedy: "YOU BASTARD!"

Speakers: Xander: "Ladies. Ladies. Remember what Faith said? Four times in 20 minutes" Angel: "Where is he going with this?" Xander: "There are four of you, and we have some time... and I've had lots of practice since then."

Anya: "He certainly has had practice."

Molly: "He isn't thinking..."

Dawn: "He couldn't..."

Speakers: Xander: "What I'm saying is, ladies... I think we should leave these boys here and find ourselves a room. Lorne: "I can't believe he's doing it." Girls drool over themselves. Angel: "Wait a minute! What about us!" Girls: "Shut up!"

Andrew: "He's like Hercules!"

Anya: "Hercules on Viagra."

Spike: "Damned if I ain't attracted to him for that."

Dawn: "I would pay good money to be in that room."

Buffy starts to revive

Dawn: "Damn, she's waking up."

Spike: "Sorry, bit. She's got more lives than a bloody cat."

Speakers: Xander (yelling behind him):"Sorry guys... this is a private show." A door slams. The guys all sit down dejectedly.

Dawn: "I would pay good money to be in that room."

Molly: "You mean we can't watch?"

Andrew: "Um... I think I have a live feed from that room..."

Dawn: "How about when the show's over we head to LA?"

Andrew, Anya, Molly & Spike: "Yes!"

Speakers: Wes: "I still want to know about that bomb."

END