"Promise that forever we will never get better at growing and learning to lie."
-Good Lives, Eve 6
I had nightmares about it for months afterwards. The loss of control that resulted from being possessed was worse than anything my parents had ever done to me. Which in and of itself is saying a lot. What's worse though was what that animal did while in my body. It was horrible. To think that I almost did that to Buffy. All the time and effort I'd spent since meeting her training my body so that I wouldn't be a liability was turned against me in one fell swoop. The others didn't notice just how much the incident changed me. I'd been planning on surprising them all with my fledgling muscles and martial arts skills, but I just couldn't continue with it afterwards. Tanaka-sensei called and called to try and get me to come back to the dojo, but I just didn't have the heart anymore. I'd tried to learn so that I'd be able to help people, but instead I almost...
It didn't happen though. That's the difference between almost and, well not almost I guess. But it was close. I swore to on Jesse's grave that I'd help Buffy against the vampires and the other things that go bump in the night. That's how I said it too. Because I think he knew then that I'd fallen for her pretty hard. Literally and figuratively I guess. Yeah that whole skateboard thing is permanently etched into my mind.
Anyway, moving on, after the whole Master thing and Buffy's death and miraculous recovery from said death a few minutes later I was pretty shaken up. I mean Buffy died. Capital D died even. If I hadn't been there we all would have joined her too. Which kind of got me thinking. I'd been an idiot about things after the whole hyena thing. I mean it'd be even more my fault if everyone died when I could have saved them if I'd only been a little more skilled as opposed to my losing control of my body. So I sucked it up and went back to the dojo. Ate a lot of crow too. Things went back to normal too. Kinda. Sorta.
I wasn't exactly Mr. Kung Fu: The Legend Continues so I started to check things out of the school library, which was strangely open during the summer. Not school stuff though. No, I might have changed, but not that much. Much reading was done over the summer partly just to get out of the house so I didn't have to deal with the drunken slobs who are nominally my guardians, but mostly I did it because I wanted to help Buffy out once she got back from her summer vacation with her dad. I mean sure I spent a lot of time with Wills but she has a life other than me, where as I really...don't. Besides there's only so much time a person can spend working out, so research it was.
Which is how I found it. It being the book on animalistic possession that we 'confiscated' from that zookeeper's office that night. I guess Giles thought it wasn't a problem anymore since the ritual was so complex, even if it had been completed accidentally. Whatever the reason was G-man obviously didn't read it all that closely if he did at all because I found out one night about three weeks after school started. Found out what? Not much really. Just that being possessed like I had been had made me more susceptible to possession than I was before.
Needless to say I wasn't happy. I'd already had a rather interesting time with the local foreign exchange student/life sucking Incan mummy girl. Not fun. So finding this out while already bummed was just adding another brick to a load that was over the capacity of Xander-shaped beings everywhere.
I don't know why I didn't tell the others about it though. I mean it's a pretty big thing that I kept secret. I guess I figured that I could take care of the problem on my own. I mean, the solution to everything was right there in the book. So there weren't any worries about being at risk forever. It's just that I didn't like what the solution was. Possession. Not the full fledged possession that the hyena spirit had of me, but a more controlled version. Still having experienced it once, did I really want to go through that again willingly?
Halloween took that decision out of my hands. Well not really, but it did emphasize why going through the ritual was important. Where as everyone else had their experiences fade away, my memories of life as a soldier stuck around afterwards. Again I kept it to myself for a couple of reasons. The first was simply because if I mentioned it I'd also probably have to mention why I though they were sticking around. The second reason was kind of selfish. Because of the memories of that night I, Xander Harris, became a lean, mean, ass-kicking machine. Anyway though, I stepped up my research into what type of animal spirit I wanted to possess me.
It was Willow who found the inspiration for my final decision though. I'd been leaning towards a tiger because of their size and power, but something just didn't seem right about it. So when she found an old Watcher's diary that talked about a South American Slayer and her tame black panther, I just knew that that is what I wanted to bond with.
So here I am. Sitting inside a small utility shed in the zoo. I figure if anything goes wrong this will make it back to the gang. I really hope this works though. I don't want to put anyone else in danger, especially not the girl I...especially not Buffy. As soon as I finish writing this I'm going to start the ritual to call the spirit into me. Wish me luck. Because I sure as Hellmouth going to need it. Though if anyone is reading this then it's already too late and the whole wishing me luck thing would be sort of pointless. Still...
-Xander Harris
The final words of the ritual hang in the air for a few seconds, and nothing happens. It's really kind of disappointing. Just as I'm about to stand up a loud rushing starts to sound around me. It takes a few minutes for me to recognize it, but when I do I'm kind of shocked. It's me, or rather it's my voice chanting the ritual over and over again, sort of like the way people sing 'Row, Row, Row, Your Boat' where each person starts after the previous person finishes the first line. It's pretty damned impressive really. The circle of blood on the floor is running together towards the center, and now I can see why I wasn't positioned there. The blood is starting to form the outline of a cat around the tooth I managed to get from the biology lab. It takes a few minutes but eventually all of the blood is part of the drawing which is now moving. I remain very still as the drawing seems to notice me. It stalks towards me, something that seems quite surreal since the drawing is only two dimensional, and takes a tentative sniff at my foot.
Oh hell, it just jumped onto me. The drawing made out of blood just jumped off of the ground and is crawling over my skin. It feels really weird too. All fluid and warm. I could make any number of really lewd comparisons there if I had anything to compare it to. Well if I had anything to compare it to, and if I weren't scared out of my wits at the moment. Yeah the whole fear thing is kind of affecting my ability to make bad jokes about...well whatever is happening. My entire body is squirming, and looking at my hands it's pretty obvious why. Whatever is going on has made it so that designs are almost rippling over my skin. Lines are getting traced out over and over on my skin before fading into it so the process can begin anew. Freaky. Especially if these things are going to stick around. This certainly wasn't what I was expecting when it said bonding ritual. Still I guess that's what this is. I was expecting something more, I don't know, painful. Which is of course when the pain shoots through my right shoulder, dropping me to the ground completely.
After a few minutes the pain has gone down enough for me to speak, or rather rant. "Fucking Hell! I just had to think that, didn't I?" Pushing my way back to my hands and knees, I get a good look at my arms which, despite my earlier worries, seem completely devoid of mystical tattoos. Definitely of the good, because I think people would have a hard time accepting a dramatic increase my amount of body art. Hmmm, I wonder if Buffy would like a guy with a tattoo? Because I could do that, I could be tattoo guy. Well, maybe not tattoo guy per say, but definitely guy with tattoo.
Sitting back down I grab the book that had the bonding ritual written in it. Well the laminated photo copies of said ritual since I didn't want to risk anything happening to the original if anything went wrong. "Okay, I'm assuming everything worked out alright so the next thing I need to do is to attempt 'to summon my beast'." Nodding my head I focus on the words I needed to say to concentrate my internal energies on drawing out my inner animal. From what the book said, by consciously summoning it when needed I was making it more likely that the spirit wasn't going to take control. Of course I wasn't going to get the really cool extra strength, speed, or agility that I had when the hyena had me, but I figure the whole control thing was so much better. I'm sure Principle Flutie would agree with me.
Three fourths of the way through my chant, which thankfully is much shorter than I'd feared it was going to be, I feel a tingling coming from my shoulder which rises to a crescendo right as I finish, only to be replaced by a rushing sensation spreading rapidly from there across the rest of my body. I only have a second to notice it but I see the lines shooting across my skin once more until they're different.
I blink. Twice. I look again at my hands, picking one of them up off of the ground to be sure. Yeah. That's mine. Though I really wasn't expecting this. My hand, well, isn't. Isn't my hand, I mean. It's apparently my paw. My black, furry paw. Paws really since my other hand seems to be one too. It occurs to me that I probably have a lot of things that better belong on a cat. Which is kind of freaking me out. I mean, total wiggage here. "Rawr!" Oh my God, I just growled. I can't even speak! Scrambling around is a lot harder too. For one thing I'm not used to having to go about on all fours. For another I seem to be trapped inside my clothes. Quickly I read what I'm supposed to do to get back to being fully bipedal. Only I can't quite focus on the page. It seems I'm farsighted now as a cat. Still with some effort I manage to find out that I just need to calm down and picture being human in order to return myself to normal. Or at least return to being Xander again.
So I need to think of being human. I guess I can do that. I mean I have had almost seventeen years of experience at it. The problem is though that it's kind of hard to picture myself as human. I mean I don't really see myself much. Really I could have been a cat the whole time if it weren't for the whole talking thing. I mean I'm pretty comfortable now. I don't really need to be human do I? It's not like my parents would notice one way or another. Hell, most of the time I don't think they even know I exist except when they need me to make a run to the store for beer. I mean, my parents are practically the town joke. It's gotten so bad that the liquor store clerks sell to me even though I'm underage. I guess it'd be cool if I wanted to drink, but I don't. Ever.
God, I can't believe there's so little that makes me want to be human. I mean, apart from the gang, I really don't like my life. So I try to focus on them. Willow, of course, I've known the longest. She's practically my sister despite the fact that she wants more from me. And for a moment I thought I could give it to her too. But seeing Buffy when she came back just slammed it home. The final nail in the coffin to use an appropriately Hellmouthy metaphor. Though we don't exactly nail coffins shut anymore, do we? Yeah, I've fallen hard for the petite Slayer. I still remember the way she looked when I first saw her. The way the sun hit her hair, and the sway of her hips as she walked towards the school.
A smile comes to my face as I picture all of the time I've spent with her in one form or another over the past year. Even that dance at the beginning of the school year. Well, maybe especially that dance in the beginning of the school year. Rolling over onto my back I groan aloud and throw my arm over my face. I'm just pathetic. I'm crazy about a girl who only notices I exist when she needs to make her vampire boyfriend jealous. Well that and when I'm being hunted down by a life sucking mummy.
I blink after a moment of being depressed.
I have arms again. Which is definitely of the good. I mean not having arms would have really sucked, and not in the classic Sunnyhell "I'm a vampire" kind of way. So having arms is good.
Standing up once more I do a quick check of my body. Nothing that wasn't there before. No little reminders of this quaint little ritual. Well, except for the fact that I'm naked having kicked my clothes off while a cat.
It hits me kind of suddenly. I can now turn into a cat. I mean...wow. I'm not completely defenseless anymore. I've become a major player on the Hellmouth instantly. Grabbing my clothes I hurriedly put them on before removing all traces of my presence in the shed. Not that there's much left except the four candles that I'd lit since the blood circle and the tooth are gone. That of course reminds me about the empty pint of blood I'd lifted from the blood drive. I don't exactly want to leave it behind. Especially since it's my blood. Getting it was a real pain in the ass. Arm too I guess. Probably just another example of typical Sunnyhell blindness that no one noticed a package of blood go missing.
Looking around one last time that I haven't forgotten anything I absently nod to myself and leave through the door. Still I can't help but show a feral grin as I stalk off into the night. This is my time. Darkness is my home now. The vampires and the demons in my town will regret ever coming here. They have something new to fear in the shadows.
They just don't know it.
Yet.
"Whoever said to take it on the chin Whoever said that good guys always win Has never seen the sorry state I'm in A victim of romanticide again"
With a snarl and a flash of teeth I pounce down on the vampire I've been stalking for the past twenty minutes. The fight doesn't go as quickly as I'd hoped it would, but it goes well enough. I'm getting better at this stalking thing. Which is good because I really need to learn it. It's the single trait that is going to keep my feline ass attached to the rest of me. I'm not up for much yet beyond the occasional one on one scuffle, and even that has to be with surprise on my side. As a panther I'm not exactly cut out for going toe to toe with the vampires, and I've had to resort to dart and slash techniques to disable them before ripping off their heads with my paws and jaws or jabbing them in the heart with a stake held in my mouth.
The problems aren't just in the doing either. I mean none of this is like what I expected. It seems that the vision problem I'd discovered while trying to turn back into my lovable self the first time crossed over into my normal body. Meaning that Xander, reader of old books and provider of quality kibitz, is out of half of his normal job until I can purchase some decent reading glasses. It was kind of embarrassing to find that out too, since it happened while getting called on in the middle of class. Yeah the popular crowd really thought that was funny. My whiskers twitch at the memory as I slip into the darkness surrounding the Bronze once more. What was kind of strange though was that, despite the fact that she was laughing just as hard as everyone else, Cordelia had stopped a lot sooner than the others had and had even given me an incredibly peculiar look. Bah, probably nothing more than guilt over that whole Frankenstein thing in the old science lab.
Besides that though is a slight shift in personality. Nothing major, thank God, but little things. I mean I really like sunbeams now. I guess they were okay before, but now I really, really like them. I fell asleep in one of those comfortable chairs in the library for no other reason than it was lying in the sun. And my thought processes are just a little different too. Not in any insane way, but rather like I'm pulling together the information my senses are giving me differently. I'm more aware of what's going on around me at all times while I'm human. I don't even think I need to mention Buffy. Of course, if I was aware of her before I'm even more aware of her now. It's like someone calibrated my senses to kick into overdrive whenever they detect the smallest sign of a short blond Slayer of the undead.
Everything would probably be easier to deal with though if I actually told the others about what was going on. Cause they don't know. None of them. Not going to either because I get the feeling that the fewer people who know about this the less likelihood that the bad guys in town will connect Xander Harris, mild-mannered researcher for a major kicker of demon ass, with the black panther that is slowly learning how to kick demon ass himself. Which means that I'm not going to tell the gang anything unless something comes up that they need to know about. I won't lie to them about it. Of course if they flat out ask me if I turn into a cat whenever I get the chance, I won't deny it. For some reason I'm not that worried.
I really need to come up with a better way of doing these late night tests of my abilities. Okay, so I've managed to completely memorize the chant that controls my change to the point that I don't even have to really chant it. Instead I can just say it under my breath. No, the biggest problem I've been having is clothing. I mean, sure I don't need it while I'm a cat, but it's afterwards that is giving me problems. As it is I had to stash my clothes inside a little cutout in a neighbors retaining wall. It's a sketchy solution at best because it means that I have to leave my keys with my clothes or I'd never be able to get into my house; there's also the problem that anyone could come along and find them, at which point I'd be out of clothes when I needed them.
Sticking my head out of the alley I'm currently in I look both ways and then dart across the road when it appears that the coast is clear. I'd recently discovered that the unfortunate blindness that my fellow citizens of Sunnydale possess does not extend to large jungle cats when a police officer took some pot shots at me late at night a few days ago. Though I do wonder just what the hell that cop was doing out this late. Heh, he was probably new. Was probably being the operative word if he attracted as much attention to himself with those gunshots as I suspect he did.
My musings are cut off rather abruptly as I charge around a corner and crash headlong into someone. Dazed it takes me a second to shake off my confusion at the sudden stop. Which explains my surprise when I find my front paws placed on either side of the head of one Buffy Summers who seems just as surprised at being pinned by a panther as I am to be pinning her.
Buffy's voice is fairly shaky. "Woah, nice kitty." Inwardly I roll my eyes. Still this isn't exactly a situation I want to pass up so I give her face a long lick from chin to hair, springing away before the shock of it all wears off. Behind me I hear her indignant sputtering. "Hey, come back here you!" Not wanting to find out just how she'll deal with this I continue my getaway. Still I can't help but chuckle inwardly when I hear one last shout as I slip away in the darkness. "I've been slimed!"
It isn't until late that night that I sit up straight in bed and realize the significance of what happened earlier in the evening.
I kissed Buffy!
The next morning before classes start I'm very careful to seem to be napping in what has recently become my chair when Buddy enters the library. Of course that all gets thrown out the window when she slams the doors shut behind her.
"Okay I hope someone has a good explanation for what happened to me last night, or there is going to be one very unhappy Slayer on the Hellmouth."
Giles, being his usual observant self, looks up from his position behind the counter where he was reading a book. "Did something happen last night, Buffy?" When she glares at him he takes a step backwards before taking his glasses off and starts to polish them. "Yes, quite sorry. Pray tell what happened?"
"It attacked me!"
"Oh, thank you. That does indeed explain everything." Sure enough Giles is rolling his eyes. "What exactly was it that attacked you?"
I can't help but pitch in. "Was it bigger than a breadbox?" When both the Watcher and the Slayer direct glares at me I hold up my hands. "Okay, okay. I know when it's best to be quiet. I'll just be over here...taking a nap...where it's safe."
"As I was about to say, I don't know what it was. I know what it looked like, but it just doesn't make any sense."
"Things so rarely do in this town it seems." Giles sighs. "Very well then, what did it look like?"
"It was a cat."
Willow chirps back to paying attention from where she was working on the computer at one of the tables. "Was it a cute cat, because cats are cute, especially kittens. I've always wanted a kitten or even a regular cat because they're so cuddly though only when they want to be...and I'm babbling again aren't I? Okay I'm going back to the computer now."
Not being able to stop from laughing anymore I roll out of my chair. Which is probably just as well since my sides were starting to hurt from holding it all in. "So tell us Buffster, was it a big cat?"
"It's not funny! It was a big cat! It tackled me after just popping out of the shadows and had me pinned instantly. I just froze as it was over me and I stared at it's teeth."
Put that way I guess it was kind of scary. Giles must think so too because he asks the next question very calmly. "I'm sorry Buff. What happened next? How'd you get away?" Her muttered response is too quiet for me to pick, even if I know what she's trying to say from the way the blush is starting to travel up her neck. "What was that Buffy? I couldn't hear you."
"I said it licked me."
The library is completely silent for a minute because everyone's frozen including Willow's typing. The three of us just turn to stare at her. Unfortunately for her the silence doesn't last very long because Willow starts to snicker, something that sets me off right after. Even Giles looks to be fighting incredibly hard not to laugh, a task that he eventually fails. It takes a while but we manage to reign in our laughter.
"Oh, sure, laugh at the Slayer. I'll remember this next time some demon traps you all in the library. 'Oh, don't worry Buffy will save us! Or she would have if we hadn't laughed at her.' Yeah, I'll remember this." Turning around she folds her arms across her chest and flops down into one of the chairs and starts to pout. Of course this just sets the rest of us to laughing once again. This time though Buffy eventually joins in.
It takes her a while but she eventually tells us about the entire incident and how she was just so shocked by my entrance that she didn't even think about fighting back. Not that I told her that it was I that tackled her. Giles promised to look into any demons that could take the shape of animals though he doubted that it was dangerous.
"After all it had you in a perfect position to harm you and yet it did not." Buffy's response was only to mutter about cat slobber.
Five minutes before class was to start both Willow and Buffy gathered their things together and promised to come back to help during lunch. This of course let me get onto the real reason why I'd come to the library so early. I'd meant to talk to Giles alone but Willow had already been here when I'd arrived.
"So G-man, I was wondering if you could answer a question for me?"
"That does depend on what the question doesn't it?" Still I think he's caught the tentative nature of my approach and sets his book down once more. "What can I do for you, Xander?"
"I was, kind of, sort of, wondering if you could tell me where I'd be able to buy a good, cheap pair of reading glasses." The final part of the question comes out in such a rush that it's amazing that he understood me. But I guess deciphering Willow-babble has taught him a thing or two in the past year.
"I could tell you where I got my glasses when they were broken last year, but I'd imagine you'd know of more places than I would. You have after all lived in Sunnydale longer than I have."
"Yeah." We stand there staring at each other for a minute before I decide to give up. "Erm, never mind. Just forget I said anything." I'm to the door, bag over my shoulder, with my hand outstretched to push it open when his voice stops me.
"Xander, come here for a moment." I don't move. "Please, Xander?"
I drop my head down slightly so that my chin is only an inch or two away from my chest. My voice as it chokes out is raspy nothing at all like normal. "I need to go to class. Don't want to be late!" Neither of us are fooled because my feet haven't lifted from the floor since he stopped me.
"When did you notice that you needed reading glasses?"
"A week ago."
"The incident in history?"
It figures he knows. He could have found out any number of ways I guess. "Yeah." Turning around I toss my bag aside still refusing to look him in the eyes. I don't even know why. He of all people would understand the horror of losing once perfect vision.
"I see." Nothing more is said for a while and finally the silence gets to me. Looking up I almost roll my eyes at what I see. As usual when trying to stall for time, Giles has taken his glasses off and started to polish them on his shirt. His face however changes quickly from expression to expression as thoughts go through his head. Finally it settles into one and he puts his glasses on once more before looking up. Oddly I'm struck by the similarity between his current look and the one that Willow puts on when she is determined. "Pick up your backpack, Mr. Harris and come with me if you please. Let us go and purchase some glasses for you."
"Hunh?" Puzzled I grab my pack and follow him as he locks up his office and leaves the library. "I still have to get to class." I wave vaguely in the direction that my class is in.
Giles's reaction is to snort disdainfully. "Oh, and what good would going to class do you if you prove unable to read from your text books?"
"It's not that bad. It's just a little difficult to focus quickly."
"Which is precisely the reason why we're getting you glasses."
Looking at it that way I didn't see much room for argument.
"I don't know, Giles. I can't let you buy these for me. I still think I should just pick up a pair of those standard reading glasses we looked at..."
Sounding exasperated Giles cuts me off. "No, we bloody well aren't going to get a pair of those. We've already gone to the trouble of getting the necessary prescription for you, so all that's necessary is for you to pick out the frames. Besides having the wrong prescription causes eyestrain, which is something that we do not want."
"But it's too expensive!" I'd finally said it. We'd both been dancing around this issue for the hour we'd been out looking for glasses. I didn't want Giles' charity.
"Bah! I make enough money to live off of purely on my Watcher's salary. The money I've gotten from the school for being the librarian has gone almost completely untouched."
"I still can't take it!"
"You're acting like I'm going to give you a choice." I turn and look at him in shock. "Oh, did I forget to mention that? So hurry up and pick a set so we can get these made up. As it is it will be at least another hour until they're ready." Not bothering to hide his self-satisfied smirk any longer he grabs a pair of glasses that don't seem to have ear pieces on them. "What do you think about these?"
Walking into English class is interesting since I'm ten minutes late for the class and it's been over two hours since school started. Instantly I'm the center of attention for the entire class. The whispers of the students immediately, the loudest coming from the popular students' section.
"So good of you to finally join us Mr. Harris. However I believe you should talk to the principle about this tardiness of yours."
I shake my head in a denial and hold up my note. "I just came from there actually. Here's my note." Handing it to Mrs. Burns I wait for her to read.
Finishing it she nods. "I see. I do hope that this will improve your performance in my class. Now if you'd take a seat and read for us from the beginning of Hamlet's soliloquy."
Dodging an outstretched foot from a football player I make my way to my usual seat next to Willow and behind Buffy. Grinning at Willow I accept her book which is of course opened to the right place. Looking at the page I chuckle. "I'm sorry Mrs. Burns I can't believe I've forgotten already. This will take some getting used to." Reaching into my bag I grab the brand new glasses case and take out the small pair of glasses Giles and I had finally decided on. Well one of them at least. Giles had insisted on buying an additional two pairs that he would keep for me in the library in case of emergency. Setting the small pair of glasses on my nose I look through them at the page in question ignoring the gasps of surprise from the other students.
"To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the…"
"Make it last for an hour
We'll never feel this way again
Make it all that you want
And everything that I need"
-Make It Last, Stroke 9
With a cough or two I finally manage to get the dust out of my lungs from when the vampire went poof. It's one of those things that I have yet to fix about hunting vamps as a panther. Well, that and the clothing thing. Still I really think the dust thing is a lot more pressing. Hell, does anyone really know what vampire dust is made of? Does it cause cancer? Are there any other things that could go wrong from inhaling it night after night? Is that the reason that no Slayer has lived to thirty?
Snorting I give my body a firm shake to dislodge any loose dust that clinging to me. I'm really glad that I had a nice steak right before heading out because I doubt that I'd be able to taste it now. I try to ignore the fact that the steak was raw and three times the size of any I'd ever eaten prior to becoming transmutably furry. At least it was beef. I really don't think I could have handled raw pork. Norbert flashbacks and all that. Still, making nice with the butcher was probably the best thing I've ever done. Not only does Sunnydale still have a butcher, but he's now a firm believer in animal rights. The right of at least one large cat to get a nice meal every few days. I'll have to remember to watch out for him. I mean, any guy that leaves a large dish of cream on his back porch every night can't be all bad!
I hear something the faint whisper of cloth on cloth, and all of a sudden my attention is focused on everything around me. It could be any number of things from a late night jogger or something that has a far less innocent purpose in the night. There is even the possibility that it could be Buffy out on a patrol of her own. The last isn't as likely as it might be though because for some reason I can almost always tell when Buffy's around. We've been sort of playing an elaborate game of cat-and-mouse ever since we ran into each other over a week ago. Occasionally she looks for me and tries to follow me, and at other times it's the reverse. So far I've been coming out on top. Of course I don't let her off easily. Several times she's entered the library hopping mad at a muddy or greasy paw print that I've left somewhere on her outfit the night before. Willow's even made up a score sheet with "Panther" on one side and "Buffy" on the other. So far I'm winning. But that's really not the point because I think Buffy's having fun. I mean sure she still doesn't like being the Slayer, but I think she likes playing our game of tag every so often.
The sound happens again, and I whirl around but fail to spot anything that could have made it. Something though is wrong. I can practically feel that I'm being watched. There's a faint crunch like grass being trampled behind me and I spin only to realize I'm too late. My last sight before the darkness claims me is that of a boot coming towards my head at speeds that can only be achieved by the supernaturally boosted.
Waking up is kind of painful, and it isn't made any easier by the dizziness that envelops my head. I want to grab my head with my hands, but the fact that I'm still a cat stops me. I doubt I could even focus clearly enough to change back anyway. Slowly I roll onto my paws and try to shake the fogginess away. It doesn't do any good, and I think my brain is actually rattling around in my skull.
Opening my eyes I recoil slightly when I find a face immediately before my own. It takes me a few seconds to realize that I'm separated from whoever it is by a set of bars spaced just far enough apart to slip a hand through.
"Oh, he's awake! Come look, he's awake!" The face backs away and I realize that it belongs to a dark haired woman in a long flowing white dress. I'm kind of confused until I see a figure come up behind her and place a hand on her shoulder. Spike. That would mean that this other person is Drusilla. I am so screwed.
"So he is love, so he is." Spike leans towards the cage to get a better look at me now that I'm awake. "He is a big one isn't he?" He reaches a hand out and I react before I even think about it and lash out with a paw, but Spike is too fast for me and pulls his hand back before I hit it. "Feisty isn't he?"
"Can I keep him, Spike?"
"I don't know Dru. Something's strange about this cat. I was watching him tonight and he killed one of the vampires I'd sent out to distract the Slayer. I'm wondering if he isn't the one behind some of our disappearances lately."
I turn away from the bleached vampire and take stock of my surroundings. Right now I'm in a fairly large cage. Well, maybe not a large cage but certainly larger than I'd have thought necessary by vampires. It's about eight feet square and about that high. Looking beyond that I see that we're inside a warehouse of some sort. Which is fairly typical for the monsters of Sunnyhell. What's truly depressing is the fact that there seems to be a fairly large crowd of vampires standing around for some reason.
Something Drusilla says grabs my attention. "...but Miss Edith says he isn't a normal cat."
"All the more reason to kill him now, love. Keeping him around could be dangerous." Spike is looking sort of frustrated by having to explain things to his girlfriend. I chuckle but lacking my normal vocal cords it comes out as a series of short huffs.
"Miss Edith says you can't kill him." Drusilla is kind of freaking me out actually. From what I can remember from both Giles' lectures and from Angel's is that she is something of seer. Gets feelings or something like that. It's one of the reasons Spike keeps her around the other of course being the fact that he's supposedly in love with her. Personally I have my doubts as to the ability of someone without a soul to love. I doubt Angel's love for Buffy not Angel's ability to love but then that's something completely different. Still, I'm kind of rooting for Drusilla at the moment because anything that keeps my fur attached is closer to good than something that doesn't.
"Dru, baby, did Miss Edith say why we can't kill him?" He looks kind of concerned about it. I wonder just how accurate her feelings are. Angel said that her feelings saved their lives more than once, but I thought that it was more like a gut reaction. Spike seems to be looking for specifics. That's pretty damned frightening really. An enemy that can know that much detail about the future.
She bounces over to Spike and grins at him. "Yes, she did. But. I. Can't. Tell. You."
"Why not? Why can't you tell Spike?" Oh god, I think I'm going to throw up. Vampire pillow talk.
She points at me and stage whispers in his ear. "Because kitty is listening to us." Spike's reaction is to whip his head around and stare at me. His eyes narrow slightly and he takes her arm and leads her out of the room.
Well shit, this isn't good at all. It was bad enough when I thought she could see the future, but if she knows who, or even what, I really am then I am so screwed. I'd give almost anything to be a fly on the wall so I could hear the conversation going on in the next room. Still, it does look like I'll live through the night since Drusilla said that they can't kill me, and boy do I want to know the why of that!
My musings are cut off by Spike's return to the room. Alone. He looks kind of pissed too. And wary. He knows something now, and it's causing him to treat me differently. He's looking at me much more closely than he did before as if hoping for some indication that...what? That I'm Xander Harris? Does he know? He walks around the cage a few times before finding a chair to sit in. Time passes and my muscles start to quiver from the strain of being held in place for so long. I tense when he sighs and raises a hand. "Somebody go out and steal some kitty litter or something. If we're going to keep him then he's not going to be stinking the ruddy place up." When no one moves he morphs into his demonic self. "Go!" It's almost comical how several of his vampire minions practically trip over themselves in their haste. Almost. With another sigh he looks back at me and shakes his head. "It's so hard to find good help these days."
Okay, I thought staying alive was important, but I'm really starting to change my mind on that. Because I made that decision on the Tuesday night that I got captured and being as it's currently Saturday... No, it's safe to say that Xander Harris is one unhappy panther. Looking over at the three dead large rats that one of the vampires brought me an hour earlier, I shudder remembering other rats that had preceded them. Rats that I'd eaten after getting hungry enough. I probably have rat breath now. I so want a toothbrush. And bleach. Yeah, bleach would be good.
Looking around I make my usual count of the number of vampires that are within my sight. Seven, no wait, nine. Way too many for me to take out even if I managed to somehow get out of this stupid cage. Shaking my head at the negative thought I go back to pacing. I have way too much nervous energy to sit still. Stretching my mouth out in a very catty yawn I make a few practice pounces at the bright red ball that Drusilla gave me the other day. I studiously ignore any hint of gratitude to the crazy vampire. I don't even want to think good thoughts about her because it might impair my ability to dust her if I get the chance. Because I will dust her. She's dangerous. Really, really, really dangerous. And not just to me. To Buffy and the others as well. Mostly because I just don't know what she's going to do. I mean, she's all sweetness one second and the next she's killed one of her own allies, all the while the same absentminded expression is on her face. It really scares me.
There's a quiet skittering sound just on the edge of my hearing and I turn my head to find it. I almost fall over from the shock. It's Buffy! What the hell is she doing here?! Doesn't she know this is the current VampCave? And if she does, why in Mickey's name is she coming in here alone?
Not wanting to give her away I go back to pacing, but I make sure that I keep at least a part of my peripheral vision on her. So when she is about to stumble over one of the vampires that isn't immediately visible I have to act. Without pausing to think about it I kick the ball as hard as I can and bounce it off several of the walls of the cage. When it hits the bars it sets up a loud ringing sound that draws the attention of all the vampires in the room, including the one just around the corner of the box Buffy is approaching stake in hand. She must see him because she freezes and seems to be looking through the box. Incredulously she turns and looks at my cage. I spin in place to attack the ball once again, but not before I look directly at her and nod once. Hoping that the message went out I continue to make as much of a spectacle of myself as I can. Still, the only thought that is rushing through my head is a loud prayer to anyone who will listen to let Buffy make it out of here alive.
I'm contemplating taking up Buddhism when it seems that my prayers are answered because Buffy slowly backs away and out of sight. My sigh of relief is cut rather short though when she comes back only this time holding her stake in her left hand while her right is hefting a sledgehammer. By this time though, a few of the vampires are losing interest in my impromptu soccer game and are returning to their previous positions. Buffy, of course, chooses that time to act.
Quick as thought she darts around the corner and stakes the vampire standing there before rushing towards my cage. Along the way she swings the hammer at a second vampire and practically smashes it's head into pulp. A second swing is aimed at another vamp but this one blocks with a forearm which snaps loudly and echoes off of the walls. Unfortunately the hammer shaft breaks as well but Buffy manages to maintain her hold on it using it to stake him. Not pausing for an instant she rolls, dropping the crude stake and grabbing the now much shorter sledge hammer. Her roll continues and is completed with a throw directly at me.
The sudden change freaks me out slightly and I jump backwards. The hammer connects with my cage and sparks fly. I sit there frozen before I notice what has just happened. Grinning ferally I slam into the door of my cage and it pops open now that the lock has been shattered completely by the thrown hammer. No one else seems to notice so I take this opportunity to hamstring two of the vampires who have their backs to me before I tackle one that was sneaking up on Buffy.
It takes a few seconds to rip through his spinal column, but once it's done I move on and pounce on another one. This one is a lot tougher since I didn't catch him by surprise. He manages to hold me off of his through for a few moments before my claws have sufficiently damaged his arms. Thirty seconds later I'm through with him and looking for another victim. But there aren't any. Well none that are a threat. Buffy doesn't even pause in staking the two that I left crippled. It's fairly odd that she's been silent this entire time.
Making sure that I'm fully in her sight I approach and rub myself on her legs. For a moment I forget that I'm trying to nonverbally thank her as the action sends pleasure sensations throughout my body. I guess that I made the right decision when she drops to her knees and wraps her arms around my neck. It feels great until I realize that she's crying. Shaking myself loose from her embrace I nudge her until she's standing upright, and grabbing her pant leg in my mouth I drag her away from this hell hole.
It's slow going because she doesn't seem to want to move at all but I eventually get us far enough away that I'm not worried about running into Spike or Drusilla. Either of them could tear Buffy apart in her current state. Once I've stopped providing forward motion she sinks to the ground and leans against a nearby wall. Not understanding what's wrong I nuzzle her until she once again grabs me in a tight embrace. Damn, I really hate not having human vocal cords.
Time passes and Buffy is just sitting there holding onto me like I'm the last thing in the world, and I can feel the heat from her tears through my fur. After what seems like a few hours, but was probably only a quarter of that, she rouses enough to stand on her own. I butt my head into her legs and she giggles slightly, but I don't feel much better since her eyes are red from all of the crying.
"I'd sort of wondered where you'd gotten to this past week. Oh well, you're coming home with me tonight. You need a bath at the very least, and I guess that's the least I can do after you helped me out back there." Maybe she sees something in my face because she grabs onto the scruff of my neck just as I'm about to leap away. "Oh no you don't! I've finally managed to catch you and you can be sure that I'm not going to let you out of my sight."
I think this qualifies as a Homer Simpson moment. Doh!
True to her word, Buffy hasn't let me out of her sight since she dragged me off to her house. Fortunately she didn't force me to go through the indignity of a bath, instead she threw me into the tub and turned on the shower. Of course, afterwards she stripped off her own clothes and took one as well. Only the fact that Buffy would kill me if she ever found out kept me from watching her. That was probably the moment to make my escape, but I just couldn't move. My dream girl was less than four feet away from me and taking a shower. And here I am lying on the tile floor with my head under a towel. Mustn't think about Buffy. Mustn't think about her naked. Think about Buffy killing me. Think about Buffy maiming me. I've been bad, Buffy, punish me. Ahhhhhh, not helping!
Thankfully her shower is blissfully short and she quickly clothes herself in pajamas before she drags me to her room. Her eyes are red again and I think she was crying in the shower once more. So I'm not exactly as excited as I was earlier when she places me on the bed. I'm feeling particularly sad though when, once she's beneath the covers, she pulls me close to her and starts to cry once more into my neck. She keeps crying until just before she falls asleep she murmurs two quiet words that I can barely pick up even as close to her as I am.
"He's gone."
It's a long night for me as I review those words over and over in my mind trying to figure them out. But no matter what I come up with I just can't. And even though her grip loosens in the middle of the night I just can't stand the thought of leaving her when she's obviously so heartbroken.
All in all, it's a really long night for a certain cat-shaped man.
Sunday morning dawns and passes and still Buffy hasn't moved. I've even managed to squirm out of her arms and into the restroom when it became necessary, though how I managed to avoid Joyce is beyond me. It's only as the clock on her dresser reaches three does the door to her room open. Scrambling quickly I duck under her bed just in time to avoid being spotted by her mother.
The bed dips slightly when Joyce sits down on it and shakes a little bit shortly after. "Buffy, it's time to wake up."
"Mom?"
"Buffy, I've given you most of the week to come talk to me about what's bothering you, but you haven't. Now I'm asking. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
Again the bed moves, and once more I can hear the sound of Buffy crying. "Mom. He's gone!"
"Who, dear?"
This time I don't manage to catch what she says at first. "...and I feel so alone now. He's always been there for me and now he's not."
"It'll be alright, Buffy. I'm sure he's alright."
"No! He's gone. And I'll never get to tell him how much he meant to me. How much his being there helped me. And I never got to apologize to him for being a total bitch when I came back from summer vacation!"
Oh, shit! I never even thought about that. I've been missing since Tuesday. Of course everyone's worried about me. And there isn't anything I can do about it right now either. Unless of course I transform into my human self...my naked human self...my naked human self that is currently hiding under Buffy's bed and has made her worry about whether I'm dead in a ditch somewhere. Oh yeah, that'll work. She'll go from wondering if I'm dead to knowing I'm dead because she'll kill me.
I'm so busy freaking out that I completely miss the rest of the conversation taking place above me. I realize this when the bed lifts up slightly over me. Looking out from under the frame I watch as Joyce leaves the room and shuts the door behind herself. I yelp slightly when Buffy's face appears upside down in front of me. My heart feels like it's about to beat its way out of my ribcage.
"There you are. Good thinking. I doubt my mom was ready for a panther in the bedroom. Then again I doubt I'm ready for a panther in my bedroom." Kinky. And I so did not just think that! "Still, as great as it's been having you here I think it's time for you to scoot. A girl's got to do her homework, and I somehow doubt that you'll be able to help me with that." The sad thing is that she's probably right. Rolling over onto her feet she walks over to her window and pops it open. "Out you go. Don't hide all the time; I kind of like having you around."
Crawling out from under the bed I hop up onto the windowsill. Turning to face her I place my front paws on her shoulders and give each of her cheeks a quick lick. Before she stops giggling I'm out the window and am leaping down from the roof. I'm finally free, but as I look up at Buffy as she closes her window I'm sort of sad. I've managed to make Buffy cry. What she really needs right now is me coming back all safe and sound...and in a way that gives me a legitimate reason for not being here for the past week. What I need is a plan.
"This reasoning is openly unfair
Like playing hopscotch in a minefield with my friends."
-Only Human, Inspection 12
It's already eight o'clock Monday morning and I still haven't come up with anything to explain where the hell I've been since Tuesday. At least I've managed to get my clothes from where I left them, but they reek. Not that I smell much better myself. I've been pacing back and forth in the woods trying to come up with some way to explain my absence, but nothing has come to me.
School's already started for the day so I've got some time left. Problem is that I'm not the guy who comes up with the plans. I'm more the guy who rushes right in to pull the fat out of the fire. Which is good, but doesn't help me at the moment. Stomping around I kick at a bottle of booze someone's thrown out. It's not fair! How in the hell am I supposed to think up something that everyone will believe?
It hits me out of the blue. I don't need something everyone will believe. What I need is something most people will ignore and something that my friends will understand. But I need to stick kind of close to the truth. Keep it simple stupid. That's the best policy. Okay the truth. I'm occasionally a giant cat and was kidnapped by vampires and fed rats for five days. No, the truth is out. But I suppose I could keep the bit where I was knocked unconscious by a kick to the head. Now I'm getting somewhere. But where was I? That's the real question because if I'd just been knocked unconscious I would have been gone for maybe a day at the most.
I take another kick at the bottle, but this time when it stops rolling it's label up. Staring at the picture of a ship on it a tight grin comes to my face.
Here I am at the bus stop's pay phone with my fingers crossed. Luckily there's a phone book here that lists Mrs. Summers' art gallery. Throwing a few quarters in I dial the number listed.
"Hello?" Yes, it's her! Now to see if she'll remember me.
"Hey, Mrs. Summers' this is Xander Harris. I'm a friend of Buff-"
She cuts me off before I even finish my introduction. "Xander! Where are you? Where have you been? Buffy's been worried sick about you all week." I guess she remembers me.
"Where have I been? That's kind of a long story. Where am I now? The Sunnydale bus terminal. I just got in, and I was kind of wondering if you could maybe pick me up. I'm dead on my feet. But if it's too much trouble I'll just hoof it."
"No! Stay there. I'll be there in five minutes."
"Thanks Mrs. S. You're a life saver." I blink a few times as my only answer is a dial tone.
Eight minutes later the Jeep Grand Cherokee is pulling into the parking lot in front of where I'm sitting on a bench. Joyce opens her door and I rise to meet her and it looks like she's about to hug me but stops at the last second. "Xander, it's good to see you. Buffy's been worried. I must say though that you really need a shower. Or five."
"Yeah. Haven't had much chance to recently. But if you think this is bad you should have seen me yesterday."
She shudders. I really must smell bad. "Get in so I can run you to the house. I think I can get you a shower...and a set of clothes. Those should be burned." She directs me to the passenger's side and pushes me in. When she gets in on the driver's side her first action is to roll the windows down. All of the windows.
"That bad?" Her only response is to nod. "Sorry."
"So where have you been?"
"Like I said it's kind of a long story. But the short version is kind of like this. Some guys jumped me from behind after school on Tuesday and must have knocked me out. Next thing I know is that I'm in this metal shipping container. I pound and pound on the wall of it, but no one seems to hear me. I guess I was in there for a couple days before someone found me. I was asleep by then and pretty dehydrated. It seems I was on a freighter headed towards Japan. Luckily they were able to get me to a fishing boat headed to Oregon. Once I got there I hitched my way south until a guy took pity on me and bought me a ticket home on the bus."
Mrs. Summers has turned in her seat and is staring at me incredulously. "And that's the short version?"
"Well, yeah. I didn't mention the guy that chased me off his property with a shotgun or the cute chick that gave me a ride in her convertible." I figured out before that I wouldn't be able to stick very close to the truth at all so why not make the story as outrageous as possible.
After all something this out there has to be the truth.
Stepping out of the shower I wrap the towel Mrs. Summers had set aside for me around my waist. Luckily she'd also found a still packaged toothbrush for me to use so I now had a chance to get rid of my rat breath. Finishing my drying off I grab the pair of old sweat pants that Joyce found for me. She said that they used to belong to Buffy's father, and I took her at her word. I mean it's none of my business if they don't.
I don't even know why I'm here. I only called Buffy's mom so that I could get my alibi in early while everyone was at school, but it seems that she picked up on my reluctance to go to my parents' house. It's kind of sad, really, that even in my mind I call it "my parents' house" and not "home." I never said anything about not going home, and she never said anything about it either. There just seemed to be this unspoken understanding between us that she wasn't going to let me leave. She's probably already heard of my family life. At least she hasn't brought it up. She's a good mom. Then again I've seen hints of that ever since Buffy moved to town. We just need to let her in on the other parts of the Sunnyhell night life.
By the time I've made it down the steps I'm practically dead on my feet which makes sense considering that I've been up since some time yesterday morning. She's there at the bottom and from there ushers me to her couch where I collapse face down. "Sorry Mrs. S. I'm completely bushed. At least I clean up nice though."
"That's okay, Xander." My eyes slowly close. I've always kind of missed this kind of thing. I mean my parents were never ones to stick around me of their own free will. The fact that Joyce is gives me one of those warm and fuzzy feelings. Kind of like a giant teddy bear only in an emotional sense rather than a physical one. I blink a few times, but I know that it's useless. I'm going to be asleep before too long. Mrs. Summer's voice rouses me slightly. "When did you get a tattoo?"
Still kind of sleepy I mutter into the throw pillow that I'm lying down on. "Don't have a tattoo." My eyes close once more; this time I know they aren't going to be opening again.
There's a long pause before I feel Mrs. Summers' hands brushing gently at my shoulder. "I hate to break this to you, Xander, but it seems you now have a tattoo."
"That's nice." Even as I speak the thought slowly sinks into my brain as I drift off into slumber. Hey, I'm now tattoo guy. Or at least guy with tattoo. That's cool.
My dreams are pretty normal. Well, normal for recently that is. I'm a cat again and hunting in the jungle. The darkness is my home here, and I am lord of all I survey. Seeing my prey I coil my muscles and leap. The large mammal has no chance to escape as I land atop her. Giving her a quick lick I leap away once more.
The slamming of the front door wakes me up from my nap, and I shake away the last vestiges of my dream even as it fades away on its own. "Hey, mom, I'm home. But why are you? Shouldn't you be at the gallery still?" Mmmmm, Buffy. And Xander said, Let there be Buffy, and there was Buffy, and the Buffage was good.
"Can't a mother take a day off every so often and spend time with her daughter?"
"Awww. That's sweet. Now the truth."
Joyce laughs. I'd probably get up at this point, but the couch is really comfortable at the moment. "I've been found out. Okay, I was at the studio when I decided to pick you up a surprise to make you feel better. It's in the living room."
Buffy's voice is quieter than before, but I can tell it's getting closer. "Sorry mom, but the only thing that will make me feel any better is...Xander!" All of a sudden a huge weight drops down on my back and proceeds to squeeze the life out of me. "Xander, you're here and we've been so worried because we couldn't find you, and no one has seen you since Tuesday at school and you didn't show up or call and we thought you were dead!" Buffy babble. Interesting.
"Ack! Air, or the lack thereof!" Quickly Buffy releases me only to pick me up and grab a hold of me again. "It's okay, Buffster. I'm here. I'm here." This time I'm facing her and wrap my arms around her. It seems to be the right thing to do because she starts to cry into my shoulder again. But only for a minute or two. Quickly she's managed to recover her calm and has backed away. Which is probably for the best. I mean sure I'm in love with this girl, but she doesn't feel the same. I'm not a masochist. Me moving on would be best for the both of us. It's not going to happen, but it would be for the best if it did.
"Where have you been?!" But apparently the backing away is a bad thing because she's now at the perfect distance for her to grab me by my shoulders and start shaking me. Verily with the shaking. "Well, where?!"
Once she stops with the shaking and the brain rattling I take a deep breath and launch myself into the biggest lie I've ever told anyone. "Well it's like this Buffy." Oh God, she's never going to believe me now. "I got jumped from behind after school on Tuesday. Must have gotten roughed up kind of bad because when I woke up I was in this metal shipping crate."
"I'll kill them." My expression froze. Not because of what she said but rather because of the utter chill that composed her tone of voice. For once I truly believed that she would go out and kill them.
I force a chuckle. "Well, it'll be difficult because I don't even get a look at them. Anyway, I woke up in this shipping crate. Must have been in there for a few days before anyone heard me pounding. Let me tell you I was pretty ripe by then." My attempt at humor is apparently not appreciated because Buffy just goes back to scowling. "Well I must have been taken through the port at some time because when I say shipping crate I really do mean shipping crate. I was on a freighter headed to Japan."
"Japan?"
She's not buying it! Stay calm Xander, stay calm. Lie like a politician. Be one with the carpet. "Yeah, Japan. But, hey, the Xandman is lucky and they were able to hand me off to these fishermen headed to..." Damn where were they headed again?! "...Oregon. So I'm not currently eating sushi, which I think is totally of the good." I am so screwed. She's never going to believe this.
Buffy opens her mouth to say something, but closes it before she does. Still, I tense up when she tries again this time saying only, "Go on."
"So these guys drop me off at the pier and I head south along the road hitchhiking. Boy, was that an experience." At Buffy's frosty glare I cringe slightly. "An experience that I don't want to experience again because making Buffy worry is bad!" Yeah, sucking up and groveling go hand in hand. "So I caught a few rides. Even got picked up by a total hottie in a convertible that had the nicest pair of legs..." I trail off there because Buffy is glaring at me again. It also makes me sound guilty. Which I am; I'm just not guilty of the things that she thinks I am. Which of course makes me feel even more guilty. "But enough about the hitchhiking! Anyway, one of the guys that picked me up decided to take pity on me and bought me a bus ticket back to Sunnydale; at which point I called your mom, she picked me up, and I ended up falling asleep on your couch. After several showers. All necessary for this Xander was quite ripe."
Dear God, I know that we're not on a really good relationship level. Just let her believe this. I'll take back everything I've ever said or thought about you...except the fact that you like fucking with my life. Because, come on, we both know it's true. Oh, and those things about you and the Hellmouth. I mean, hello, leaving one of these behind is just not an intelligent thing for an all knowing, all powerful being. But other than that we're cool!
"But you're back now?" I blink. I sort of thought that was rather obvious. "And you're never going to do anything this monumentally stupid ever again?" Ahh, that makes more sense.
"Yeah, I'm back. No more getting jumped from behind in broad daylight for me. I'll save my getting knocked unconscious for nighttime like I should have been doing in the first place." And again with the Buffy glare-o-death. "I mean, no getting jumped at all. Nope, no jumping."
Mrs. Summers sticks her head around the door way. "I called Willow and she said she'd be right over. Or I think that's what she said. I'm not quite sure; it was a bit rushed." She arches an eyebrow giving the two of us rather meaningful looks, and once again I realize just how close to Buffy I am and without a shirt even. "So Buffy, has Xander explained where he got his tattoo yet? If so I want to hear about it."
Hunh? Tattoo? A vague memory of Joyce saying something about a tattoo surfaces in my brain, but really that is all it does. I was fairly wiped at the time.
"WHAT?!"
"Ack! No screaming!" I say as my hands clap down over my now ringing ears.
Buffy again gives me her patented death glare. "You managed to find time to get a tattoo, but you couldn't be bothered to take five minutes to make a collect call?" Oh yeah, I am so screwed.
"Honestly Buffy, I have no clue what your mom's talking about." I give Mrs. Summers a pleading look. "What are you talking about?"
Instead of answering Joyce steps across the room and gently turns me around. There's a quick, indrawn breath from Buffy as she sees what I'm going to assume is a tattoo. I'm the next person to gasp as Buffy's hands run lightly across my right shoulder barely touching the skin. I am suddenly glad that I'm no longer wearing my jeans because I would be in serious pain right now. That's of course when it happens. The purring. Sweet hell, I'm purring!
"So I have a tattoo?" Did I say that? I can still think?!
"Looks that way. You don't remember getting it?" God, Buffy. Right now I can barely remember my name let alone getting a tattoo that I didn't even know I had. Why must she continue to torture me so?
My voice when I answer comes out in a choked whimper. "No." Does Buffy get the hint? No, of course not. She just keeps running her fingers over the same spot on my shoulder, apparently tracing the lines of my new body art. And there are a lot of lines. I know because I can practically feel them etched into my skin with flame by her fingers. I'm trying to think of anything else except what she's doing to me that I miss her next question. "Hunh?"
"I asked if you had any other tattoos?" It must be my imagination, but her voice seems to have gotten much deeper and I can feel the air of her breath on my back. I shiver at the sensation.
"You want to check for me?" I, so, did not just say that!
Someone clears their throat nearby. "That's quite enough you two! Buffy, I think you should stop. You seem to be killing him." Halleluiah! Mrs. Summers is my new personal deity. Especially when Buffy shoots away from me. Even knowing that it's for the best I still physically ache now that she isn't touching me. Not saying a word I drop once more face down into the couch. I'm not moving until I can do so safely without embarrassing myself. Somehow I don't think that time will be coming in the foreseeable future.
Oh my god. I just figured out where, or rather when, I got it. The ceremony. I remember thinking that I was lucky not to pick up any souvenirs from that night, but it never occurred to me to look at my back. Now I have to lie about the tattoo as well. Okay, I can deal with this. Just stick to the story that I have no clue how it got there. Should be simple enough.
My misery is further compounded when the front door slams open and closed in quick succession. Once again a weight is flung atop my back and babbling commences. Oh goody Willow's here now. Let the lies resume.
"Of course you're not shy
You don't have to deny love
Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me"
-Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me, U2
Everyone thought it'd take some fast talking by a whole lot of people in order to get me back into school without being expelled or even suspended for missing almost a full week of school. Surprisingly, or perhaps not, Mrs. Summers was the person who led the charge against the school administration. Personally I think she was still pissed off about the way that Snyder treated Buffy in the wake of parent teacher night. Apparently she can hold a grudge like it's nobody's business. Which is cool. I mean, she's cool. She let me stay overnight on the couch so we could plan on how to get me back into school. Again I think she managed to sense my reluctance to go to my parents' house. It's like I said; Joyce is cool. She did, however, raise an eyebrow when Buffy called Giles and Ms. Calendar over to help in our strategic planning.
I actually sat out most of the planning as I was forced by all of the adults present and Willow to review all of the notes she'd taken during my absence. Which of course prompted "awwww's" from the ladies about how adorable I looked with my glasses perched on my nose. I studiously ignored them all. Okay, I ignored them since I doubt anyone would believe I did it studiously.
All of the planning ended up being unnecessary for the most part though. All we really had to do was drop rumors that I'd gotten into a fight with some "gang members on PCP" and whole avenues of leniency opened up for me. Screw avenues. They were whole interstates. Snyder couldn't seem to backpedal fast enough, something that trickled down to the other teachers. Leaving me enrolled but still needing to make up the missed work. Again surprisingly I was doing it. Sure, I'm not the brightest bulb on the tree, but with enough hard work I usually muddled through.
Everyone also teased me about my tattoo, thinking that there were some parts of my story that I was too embarrassed to tell them. I got my first good look at it when Joyce took a Polaroid of it and showed me. I must admit though that it looks pretty cool. At first glance it seems like a solid gray shape of some sort. There was a point on the lower part and from there it angled up in a triangle before the edges went parallel. Then they closed together again but with a much more rounded connection. I must have stared at it for ten minutes before I figured out what it was. It was the tooth from the panther that I'd used in the ritual. Well the black leopard tooth since there aren't really such things as black panthers they're just called that. Oh God I'm starting to sound like Giles. The second thing I noticed was what Buffy had seen almost immediately. The tattoo wasn't solid gray at all. It wasn't even distinctly edged. Instead all of the tattoo was colored by extremely fine lines closely laid next to each other. Each like traveled down from the top but curled this way and that so that they almost formed characters in some ancient alphabet. It looked really freaky. And cool. Freaky and cool. Giles promised to look up the designs to see if they meant anything when he got the chance to, but my sudden sabbatical from the library kind of cut into the time he had available
All the others took my lack of participation in the after school activities as a sacrifice I needed to make to get the work done. And to some extent it was. But starting on Wednesday night I again started to sneak out of my parents' house to patrol with Buffy as my cat-self. I love doing it because I get to frolic and scamper and play and...anyway I like it. Okay, so I kill vampires too, but that's just part of the experience. The main thing is that I get to be with Buffy and for Buffy. She trusts me to be there when I am there. It's kind of heady. I've even gotten a name! Sphinx. Though where Buffy came up with that one, I have no idea. Still, I answer to it when she wants to get my attention.
Life is of the good. I'm still in school, can turn into a cat, get to kiss Buffy everyday even if she doesn't know, and manage to antagonize Angel. Yeah life is good.
Speaking of the square-jawed vampire with a soul, he's starting to freak me out a little. He and Buffy are getting a little too chummy for my tastes. And that's not jealousy talking. Well, not just jealousy. No there's something else about Angel that just raises my hackles. Literally. I mean even in human form I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up when is within ten feet of my location. Because of it I've tried to keep my distance from him when we've been in the same room. As a cat though things are an entirely different kettle of fish. For one thing I've done everything physically possible to keep Buffy and Angel apart while they're patrolling around town. Go me. Maybe if I try hard enough I'll change Buffy's opinion about dating the undead. I mean, she's a vampire slayer and he's a vampire. Not exactly a good foundation for a long term relationship. So far though it isn't working.
I must admit it was pretty cool when Buffy took me to the library for the first time. "He just followed me home, Giles. Can we keep him. Pleeeease!" I of course did my part by sitting on my haunches and leaning against her legs. It was the puppy dog look that got him though. Since then I've pretty much followed Buffy around like I was her shadow. She goes home, does her homework, eats dinner, sneaks out of the house, patrols, and winds up at the library to report. I do the same thing and even follow her home to hang with her until she falls asleep. It's a routine, but one I like.
Buffy's just so beautiful. It's torture to be around her sometimes. I know she doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about her, but I have to be there anyway. It's an addiction. A Buffy junkie, that's me.
I'm sitting on my usual rock behind Buffy's house when she comes out to greet me. We've been patrolling like this for three weeks now so we've established a pattern. I sneak out of my parents' house slightly before sunset, and wait for Buffy to sneak out of hers. From then on I just follow her and try to get her to have fun. It's pretty easy. Buffy is a cat person, so it's easy to suck her into the happy side of things. She smiles more now. That alone is worth any difficulty I've had to go through.
"Hi Sphinx." I lean into her caress of my head and neck. As per usual I follow it up with a pounce and lick. Ha! I kissed Buffy! "Okay, get off!" Buffy's voice can barely be understood through her laughing. "We've got a busy night ahead of us. Supposedly there is a demon of some sort hanging around one of the graveyards. So we're going to go kill it!" Okay, so I've fallen in love with someone who has sociopathic tendencies. I blame society!
The trip to the night's first graveyard is passes with Buffy cheerfully describing the details of the demon we might face in addition to the evils of a Thursday at Sunnydale High. I listen attentively as always; personally I think that I'd listen to her recite the phonebook if she offered to read it to me.
A short interruption to kill three vampires later and we're sitting around a grave that was only recently filled in. The first time we did this I made the mistake of setting my head in Buffy's lap which resulted in us being slow to react when the vampire broke out of its grave. Now I just relax next to her with the side of my head on her knee. It's nice. Especially since she's rubbing little circles on my shoulder. Oh yeah, very nice. I could sit here all night if she kept doing that. An hour later we're still sitting there. Seems our corpse might not be getting up after all. Strange. Someone might have actually died of natural causes in Sunnydale. "Spooky." My head whips around at Buffy's whisper. I can't help it and start to chuff my breath, something that Buffy has figured out means I'm laughing. Great minds.
Something seems wrong and I rise to my feet. I can't see anything out of the ordinary, but still this feeling isn't going away. There's a crackle of a breaking twig and I fall into a pre-pounce pose facing any possible danger. Mentally I swear when the shadows fall away and reveal just who has interrupted us.
"Angel." Buffy's throaty whisper sends a shaft of ice straight into my heart just like it always does. Again I'd let myself slip into the illusion that I was the one that she cared about something that has become ever more frequent of late.
"Buffy." I roll my eyes as the two approach each other but do nothing to keep them apart. Still as they get within six feet a low growl escapes my control. I pointedly turn my back when they look at me and look around the graveyard for any possible threat. I might not like Buffy's attraction to the ensouled vampire, but after three weeks I'm just tired of forcibly getting between them. It's her choice to make even if I think she is making the wrong one. My watching it happen is just a way for me to torture myself needlessly.
"So, what's up with you?" Right now I wish I could mute my ears so I wouldn't have to listen to this. "We've had a pretty slow night. Only three blood suckers and our stakeout was a no show." It's nice to hear her say 'we' in the context of the two of us even if it's only in terms of a patrol partner.
"Buffy, I've been wondering if you would like to give that date thing another try? Maybe go for coffee sometime?" Shit! That was one of the few things I was hoping for. That Angel would never grow the balls to actually ask Buffy out. Her quick intake of breath indicates that she wasn't expecting this either. I turn my head to look at them and breathe a sigh of relief when I see that they aren't much closer together than they were when I growled. Angel catches me looking and I can't prevent my lip curling in a snarl.
"Now?"
Angel shakes his head. "No, I was thinking maybe Sunday night. We could meet at the Bronze?"
"Yeah, Sunday is good. Maybe we could..." My mind cuts off the rest of what she's saying. Turning fully around once more I slowly pad away into the night; I don't even look back when Buffy's questioning call rings out. "Sphinx? Where did you go?"
I never realized that cats could cry.
Friday morning comes around way too soon for my tastes. I'm in my usual spot in the library's overstuffed chair when Buffy comes in. This time I don't bother looking up even if I know almost to the inch where she is at all times. I don't want to see her happy about her upcoming date with Angel. I don't want to see her smile about the rightness of the world. I don't want to see the conversation she'll have with Willow about what happened. All told, I just don't want to see her. It's a lie of course. My body aches to see her, but I resist the impulse. Instead my math book gets extra special attention this fine morning. Several minutes pass before I realize that I can't make out the words on the page. I'm not wearing my glasses. I haven't even touched them this morning and I've been staring at this book for almost half an hour.
Finally, when I'm tired of pretending to look at my math book, I risk a glance up at where Buffy and Willow are huddled together as think as thieves. Giles takes that moment to bustle in through the main doors. "Oh. Good morning Buffy. I trust all went well on your patrol last night." My snort of disgust attracts everyone's attention for a moment.
"Yep. I came, I saw, I staked. No demon though, and the graveyard was a bust. Angel and I bagged three, which added to the three I got before I ran into him makes six little piles of dust."
"So nothing out of the ordinary?" Giles doesn't really seem to be paying attention, instead focusing his concentration on sorting through some books that are on his counter.
Buffy frowns. "Actually, yes. Sphinx just up and left while I was talking to Angel." Bet your sweet ass I did! No way in hell was I going to watch you moon over him all night.
"I doubt that it means anything Buffy." Giles pauses in what he's doing for a moment. "He is after all a cat, and even most house cats are rather independently minded. As a wild cat he is probably even more so. I would not worry too much if I were you."
"That's just it Giles. He's practically been my shadow ever since we met. That he left at all let alone without even letting me know is really unusual."
Willow pipes in, "Maybe he was just jealous of Angel. Cats can be very possessive of their people." It's a comment that cuts entirely too close to the truth of the matter for my taste.
"It's not like you ever ignore anyone when Angel steps into a room either." The comment pops out of my mouth before I can censor it. Disgusted at myself I angrily throw stuff into my backpack.
"Xander! That is so unfair." Buffy's voice sounds hurt at my accusation.
A little part of me is even glad, but the majority is raging that I lashed out in such a way. I guess that little part of me is stronger than I thought because as I leave through the doors I can't help tossing out a last retort. "Doesn't make it any less true."
I avoid everyone for the rest of the day. Difficult since most of my classes are with both Buffy and Willow. Difficult but not impossible. Most of my distance was maintained by never looking in their directions. Not that I blamed them for anything, rather I blamed myself for reacting like I did. Sure, I was hurt, but that gave me know right to hurt Buffy. Especially when she didn't understand why.
All in all the day was pretty hellish for me. I'd thought before that I was addicted to the blonde Slayer, but I guess like all addicts I thought I could quit at any time. It's not that easy. By the time sunset came around I needed to see her again so badly that I was practically shaking. Buffy withdrawal. I'd laugh if it weren't so pathetic.
So here I am waiting for the one girl I so wish I could hate. And can't help but love.
"Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be"
-When I'm Gone, 3 Doors Down
Looking up from my position just outside Buffy's window, I wonder once again just how long it will be before she gets in from her date with Angel. I've been getting rather bored waiting for her to show up. Just the mental picture of the two of them together and maybe even kissing is enough to send another shaft of pure ice into my heart. After my disappearing act on Thursday night I made some extra effort to be there for her, most to get rid of the guilt I still felt over hurting her in the library. A quiet closing of the door draws my attention to the inside of the room where Buffy has thrown herself onto her bed. I lightly tap on the glass with my claws to get her attention. When she opens it I pounce on her lightly making sure that I get in a good lick on her face.
"Hello to you too, Sphinx."
I frown, or at least give her the panther equivalent. She sounds awfully depressed considering how cheerful she was when I left her at the Bronze. She didn't even give me her usual giggle at my licks. Reaching out with my jaws I grab the hem of her skirt and pull her over to the bed. Once she's lying down I lay my head on her stomach. I've found out over time that she is occasionally cheered up when he pets me. Besides it feels sinfully good for me too...in a completely platonic way. Hell, who am I trying to kid here? I always love it when she touches me. Especially when she scratches that spot right behind my left ear. Oh yeah. Just like she's doing right now.
"I had my date with Angel today."
I'm again unable to repress the growl in my throat. Ever since the ritual that I cast a month and a half ago I've been unable to hide my antipathy towards the vampire. At first I thought it was just because he was a vampire, but it's not. He's different in some way, and it physically affects me somehow. I just wish I knew why.
"Oh hush. I know you don't like him; you don't have to advertise it." She sighs and it takes me a moment to reorient my mind from the distraction. Luckily she wasn't saying anything. "I guess it was okay. It just didn't touch me, you know? I spent the entire time distracted and didn't even care. Still don't really." My attention is now riveted to what she's saying.
"I guess he noticed; he'd have to be blind not to notice. So when he was dropping me off and tried to kiss me I let it happen. I mean, I was a pretty lousy date tonight. I spent all of my time thinking about what Xander said on Friday. That I tend to ignore everyone around me whenever Angel is around. I even figured that he was right. Not that he had any right to say so, because he didn't and it really hurt." Mentally I wince. "But Angel was the person I though I'd fallen for. It only makes sense that I pay attention to him. Now though I'm not so sure. Thing is I don't know how I feel about him. I though I cared about him, but when he kissed me I just didn't feel...anything. There were no fireworks, no earthquakes, no music. There was barely even distraction. I think he knew it too." She snorts. "How could he not know?" She threw her left arm over her face why continuing to scratch my ear with the other. "Am I just screwed up or what? And the strangest thing was that he did just what I'd always wanted him to do. Pushed the hair out of my eyes, brushed my cheek, tilted my chin, and kissed me while looking into my eyes. But nothing happened."
"Maybe it's a sign that I don't deserve to be happy. That the Slayer doesn't deserve to be happy. Maybe that's why Slayers are supposed to be raised by Watchers, so that they don't know what they won't have out of life."
I couldn't take it anymore and rose to nudge her arm out of the way revealing what I already knew I'd find. That she'd been crying. Gently I licked her tears away grinning cattily when she giggled. Her arms wrapped around my torso and she proceeded to hug me close. I closed my eyes for a moment and wished that all of this were real. That I was in her arms and she was in mine with nothing between us. None of the lies. And that she cared about me like I cared about her. I only wish that she felt that way too.
Time passed with the two of us lying there on her bed until she yawned. "If only you were human," she snuggles down deeper into her pillows. "I get the feeling ou understand me more than anyone else. Probably because I talk to you about the things I don't tell the others, but still." Her eyes start to droop and her voice gets slower but I can still make out the words if only barely.
"You'd make the perfect boyfriend." With that she is out like a light leaving me with a lot to think about as I begin the arduous task of extracting myself from Buffy's grasp. I don't think it needs to be said that I'm not going to get much sleep.
I'm waiting for her on the steps to the school when she is dropped off. Pausing only to take a fortifying breath, I stalk towards her only a small part of my brain noticing as people step out of my path as they unconsciously see my predatory demeanor.
"Hi Xander!" She seems happier now than she did the previous night. It also appears that I am also at least mostly forgiven for my nasty comment on Friday morning.
I step in front of her forcing her to come to a stop. Gently I reach up and push her hair aside and run the back of my hand down her face to her chin. It's odd, but before Buffy ever said anything last night, this is exactly how I've always wanted to touch her.
"Xander, I don't think..."
Placing a finger over her lips I lean in. "Don't think, Buffy. Feel." With that I remove my finger and pull her into a soul searing kiss.
At first she just stands there, and I really start to worry about my life expectancy after this kiss ends. Eventually though she takes up an active roll and starts to kiss me back, and the world around me starts to fade away. I don't want this moment to end. Because I know that when it ends, things will never be the same. When this kiss ends I'm going to lose forever the only girl I think I'll ever be able to love. So I want this one moment to last forever so I can imagine that Buffy loves me back.
We separate and I keep looking into her eyes that she might see the love I feel for her in them. I hope she will see it, and for a brief second it looks like she does until she shakes her head in confusion. My heart sinks.
"Why did...? Why?"
Seeing that she doesn't understand I try again and push all of my emotions into my words. "Because I'd like the chance to make you happy. You do deserve to be happy, Buffy." I see the confusion on her face for a second before it changes to fury. Now I realize my mistake. Not that I don't feel that way, because I do. I just really shouldn't have said it.
"You bastard!"
I see the fist coming and know without a doubt that this is going to hurt.
I'm right.
The trip to the library is still a blur to me since the throbbing of my jaw is making just about all other thought impossible. Well, the throbbing and the deep space chill of Buffy's glare. I'm sitting down in one of the straight backed chairs around the research tables when I tentatively reach up and touch my face. The lancing pain that shoots through my skull makes me jerk my hand back but not before I confirm what I'd suspected. Buffy's dislocated my jaw. I wave my hand at Giles and somehow manage to get across that I want something to write with.
"There you are. Now can one of you please tell me what the bloody hell is going on here?!"
Buffy opens her mouth but stops mid action. On her second attempt she manages to get out a few words. "He...Xander...Arggghhh!" Oh yeah. I'm so screwed.
Waving my hand once more I push the legal pad back across to Giles. *Giles can you please relocate my jaw?*
"I'd really rather not, actually. I dislike inflicting grievous pain upon students." I roll my eyes but cringe when I see Buffy still glaring at me. I knew at that moment that I'd just screwed up any chance of her loving me back. I need to apologize to her and writing it out just wouldn't work.
*If you don't do it I'll do it myself.*
"I doubt you would manage to stay conscious through the attempt. I think I would rather you went to the emergency room and had a professional treat you." Giles has fallen back into his usual standby of polishing his glasses.
*Please. It's important.*
"Xander, I doubt very much that there is anything you could say that would induce me to cause you that much pain."
Buffy's voice cuts into the silence. "He kissed me." Both mine and Giles' head whip around to face her, and when he turns back to me there is a rather sinister gleam in his eye.
"Okay, Xander. Let's get this started. Still, I must tell you that this is going to hurt you far more than it will me." Looking over at Buffy I saw the pain in her eyes and wanted to cry. I steeled myself and looked at Giles before writing another message on the pad.
*It couldn't possibly hurt enough.*
Giles positions his hands over my jaw and I tense up waiting for the pain. I can't help but look up into Buffy's eyes and try to silently tell her just how much she means to me. There's a blurring in my field of vision and the pain blossoms once more. The last thing I see before the blackness engulfs me is a tear that's managed to make its way down Buffy's cheek. I've made her cry once again.
"Xander, wake up."
"Oh. Hi Willow. I had this horrible nightmare. I finally had a shot at showing Buffy how much I love her and I fucked it up so completely that she hated me."
"That sounds about right to me."
I turn my head at the sound of Buffy's voice and the resulting pain in my jaw makes me gasp. "Oh God, you mean it wasn't a dream?" I roll over so that I wasn't facing anyone. "Just let me die." Slowly I bring my knees up to my chest and will myself into oblivion. Sadly it doesn't work.
"The hell I will! You're not dying until I get some sort of an explanation. If you still want to die then I'll be happy to oblige!"
I nod, still not feeling up to moving enough to face anyone. "Yeah," my voice cracks, "that sounds fair. But only Buffy. I'm only telling her. She can tell whoever the hell she wants, but I'm only going to tell her."
Everyone around me is quite for a few moments before I hear them start to leave. I only just notice that Ms. Calendar was also in here along with Giles, Willow, and Buffy. The doors to the library open and shut and the two of us are alone. Still, I can't seem to draw the energy to move. Buffy on the other hand is pacing back and forth. Finally she stops, and I don't need to look to see that she isn't facing in my direction. It makes it easier for me to stand up and sit back down in the chair that I must have fallen out of.
Looking up at her back I say the first thing that comes to mind. "I'm sorry, Buffy."
Finally she turns towards me. My heart breaks again at the sight of the tears that are escaping her eyes. "I don't even know what you're sorry for! I see you and you're no longer mad and I'm no longer mad and you do just the right thing and make me feel special and then you say that." She practically spits the word, and I flinch. "What's worse is that I can't understand how you know, so I hit you and I don't know what to feel anymore..." She trails off and the tears are flowing faster now.
"Buffy, I understand."
"Then explain it to me!"
I take a deep breath. "I'm sorry for violating the trust you put in me. I'm sorry for keeping secrets from you. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for letting you think I'd been killed. Most of all I'm sorry for making you doubt my sincerity. But the one thing I'm absolutely not sorry for in the slightest is kissing you in order to show you how much you mean to me." Holy shit! Did I just say that? I'd had this whole speech planned out in my head about how to tell her that I can turn into a giant cat. Where in the hell did that speech go?!
"That still doesn't explain things."
"Er, you're right. I completely flubbed what I was going to say and I can't think of a better way to explain things than to show you. Just promise not to scream. Or maim. Maiming would be bad too. Definitely bad." Turning away from her I kick off my shoes before I start to take off my shirt while beginning the chant that would change me into my cat-self.
Buffy's voice breaks out into babble mode behind me. "I really don't think this is the right time to start stripping, Xander, because I'm still mad at you despite the fact you've gotten quite yummy this past year and I so did not just say that."
There was a pause during which I can practically see Buffy blushing despite not facing her and then a gasp as she watches one of her best friends turn into the large jungle cat that had slowly integrated itself into her life. Shaking myself I shed the clothing that no longer conformed to my body's shape.
"Xander?"
Grinning I pad over to the now kneeling Slayer and push her over backwards, placing my paws on her shoulders and give her nose a quick lick.
"You know, I hear they used to string tennis rackets with catgut." I don't take it as a sincere threat since she is smiling as she's says it. "I must admit though this does clear up my earlier confusion even if it brings up an entirely new confusion. And you've been sleeping with me in my room! The licks! I've been letting you kiss me for the past month!" Quickly I scamper out of her reach and grab my clothing in my jaws. Luckily for me it doesn't hurt anymore. Probably because the bones get all shifted around when I change. I do wonder if it'll hurt when I change back. Time to find out.
Two minutes later I'm coming out of Giles' office and straightening my clothes. "I know you have some questions for me, and I'll answer them all. I just need to know what you're going to tell the others. No matter what you decide I'll tell you everything." Sitting down in the chair I slip my sneakers back on. When I'm finished I look up to see Buffy's expression, hoping that there is some sign of how she's taking all of this. But there's nothing.
"I don't know what I'm going to tell them yet. Which I guess means that I'm not going to tell them yet." I let out a small sigh of relief. "But that doesn't mean you are off the hook. You are in serious trouble. I fully expect you to make it up to me too. This is going to involve groveling, pleading, expensive gifts, food, and flowers."
I blink, totally not understanding what she's talking about. The groveling and pleading I understand. But the other stuff... My head spins around to face her as she walks out of the library. She couldn't possibly mean...could she? I open my mouth to ask, but Buffy is already through the swinging doors. I fall back into the chair only now aware that I had even stood up.
I jump in surprise when I hear her voice again. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot." I'm going to get whiplash if Buffy keeps doing this to me. "Xander, I was never sorry about the kiss." With that she pulls her head back out through the doors.
Wow, this has to be a dream. Sighing I lean forward over the table and rest my chin on my hand. I can only imagine how many people heard my scream of pain.
"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
- Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
Okay, let me see if I've done everything correctly. Single red rose taped to the inside of Buffy's locker? Check. Left note saying it was from me? Check. Returned the locker combination list to Giles' office? Check. Was not caught by psychotic librarian who doesn't think of me as his favorite person at the moment? Thank god, check. Finally remembered to write down Buffy's combination so I don't have to go through this whole process again like I have been for the past three days? Check.
Weary of all the running around that I've been doing the past three days I slowly walk towards the library again. I was there earlier of course, but that was several hours ago. I've spent the time in between then and now working on my homework. It's pretty amazing what I can do when trying to keep my mind off of the complete and utter devastation that is currently my social life. I mean it kind of sucks at the moment. Giles isn't exactly speaking to me at the moment except when he wants me to read through some books that need reading through...which has happened all of once since Monday. Willow, well Willow doesn't seem to know what to think and is thus taking a whole wait and see approach to things which leaves me fairly left out emotionally. And Buffy...what Buffy is doing is driving me nuts! Well, more nuts than usual because she's always driven me a little bit nuts in both good ways and bad ways.
She's acting like everything's almost normal, except that she hasn't even acknowledged that I've given her the other three roses or the multitudes of notes. But each morning when I put the next rose in they're all gone. Patrols are something else too. I mean, she knows, yet nothing is said about it at all. I'm still 'Sphinx' the wonder cat. Though to be honest, that relationship has changed as well. I'm not allowed to lick her anymore, she doesn't scratch my neck, and I'm sure as hell not being let into her room after we're done. It's practically killing me. I've started to crave those touches and caresses, and not getting them is torture. Torture that I probably deserve but torture none the less. Which, might I add, really sucks, but not in that whole vampire blood sucking way, though that sucks too.
Taking a deep breath I push open the door and flinch slightly when everyone's head turns towards me and then away without even an acknowledgement. Oh yeah, I'm still in the dog house. Or cat house, though that sounds a lot more fun than what I'm currently experiencing. As has been normal my usual chair has been moved further away from the main research table than it was only a week ago. Yay me. I'm just glad there hasn't been anything really hellmouthy going on except for the occasional vampire or six. Though I get the feeling that's going to change soon since Buffy and I ran into those four goons that hinted that there was a new baddie in town. Sinking into my chair I grab my history book and open it up to cover the fact that what I'm really paying attention to is Buffy. Giles is currently interrogating her about the vampires we ran into.
"Buffy, you stated that one of the vampires you encountered last night possessed an amulet of some sort."
"Yep."
There's a long pause. "Perhaps you might describe it to me?"
"Oh," Buffy is blushing, "it was, well, amulety, about so big, and kind of squarish but not really. It also had a design on the front which was all squiggles and angles. All in all not my first choice for a fashion accessory. Not my second either."
"I must say Buffy that that was quite possibly the most appalling description of..." Giles throws his hands up in the air. Just barely I can hear him muttering insults towards the American educational system.
"Buffy, why don't you try drawing it?" The sentence is out of my mouth before I can stop it. Everyone's turning and looking at me now. "Or not." I guess I should have just my mouth shut.
"That's actually a good idea Xander."
"Umm no problem." Is it that rare that I have a good idea? Then again I probably shouldn't even ask myself that with all the trouble I've managed to get myself into recently.
It doesn't take long for Buffy to make a rough sketch of the amulet. It's like old times with everyone crowded around the drawing. I don't know why, but I guess that maybe I got a better look at the amulet than Buffy did because the drawing of the symbol is off slightly. Technically I didn't see the amulet since I wasn't there. If this had happened when Buffy and I were alone I would have just pointed out the mistake, but it's harder since we're not.
"Hey, I think I've seen that someplace before!" Wow, was that a lame attempt. Still it seems they're buying it. "But it looks kind of odd. Can I?" When I make a vague writing motion with my hand Willow hands me the pencil. "It's this line, I think it should..." a few quick rubs with the eraser removes the offending line, "...it needs to curve up and around like this."
Giles shakes his head in annoyance. "That is all well and good, Xander, but your alteration drastically changes the possible interpretation of the meaning. If you'd be so good as to change it back to the way it was?"
Briefly I lift my head enough to catch Buffy's eye. I don't understand how or even what happens, but she's instantly supporting me. "Um, I don't think that'd be a good idea. Because I think I was wrong before. That is what I saw."
"Buffy, this is very important. How sure are you that this version is correct where the previous was not?" Giles has slipped into his slightly patronizing Watcher voice, but that's cool because he only uses it when things really important.
For a fleeting instant Buffy looks into my eyes and it seems like dozens of questions flash between us faster and more in-depth than any conversation I've ever had with anyone even Willow. Before I even realize it I'm nodding back to her unsure as to what I mean.
"One hundred percent." She looks back away from Giles and into my eyes again. "I'd bet my life on it." My hands are shaking slightly, and I grab onto a nearby chair back to hide it.
The rest of the meeting goes by in a blur, with the only semi- important thing being Giles trying to get me to remember what book I'd supposedly seen the symbol in. Which is kind of hard since I didn't see it in a book. But, hey when have I let a little thing like lying stop me recently? As we're leaving Buffy grabs my arm when no one is looking. "Usual spot, but no fur." And just like that she's back to the same thing it's been for the past few days.
Yeah life is wiggy once more. Okay Buffy obviously wants to acknowledge the fact that Sphinx and I are one in the same now. Which might mean that she's come to a decision about whether or not to forgive me. Maybe. Hopefully. I don't even dare to hope that she wants to...no, hope for forgiveness. Even getting that will put me on cloud nine. Still I have no clue as to what to expect. Probably the thorough interrogation she should have given me on Monday. Some yelling isn't out of the question either I suppose. I just wish I knew!
It feels odd to be here sitting on the rock behind Buffy's house. Well the sitting part instead of the normal catlike reclining. Yeah it's real different. Don't know if it's good or not but it is different. I'm hoping for good.
"Hi." The voice comes out of the darkness behind me from so close that I can feel the outwards push of breath on the back of my neck.
Ack! Sweet mother of god. How in the hell did Buffy manage to sneak up that close behind me? It takes a few minutes but eventually my heart resumes beating at a speed that isn't as likely to cause it to explode messily in my chest. Buffy patiently waits during that time, though I think it's more because of the entertainment factor than anything else.
"Better?" Oh yeah, it was for the entertainment because she's got that highly amused grin on her face. The one that drives me insane with lust...then again she doesn't have many looks that don't drive me insane with lust. "Because I can wait longer if you need more time."
I wave her off. "No I'm fine. Just shaved a few decades off my life." Moving over I make room for her on the rock. "Take a load off."
Several minutes pass with the two of us just sitting there next to each other. Finally she breaks the silence. "So when did it happen? I'm assuming you didn't always turn into a cat."
"You're right. Did the ritual the day after Halloween. It fixed a...problem I had."
"What problem?"
I turn away from her and take a deep breath before I tell her everything. From regaining my body after being possessed by the hyena, to finding out about my new vulnerability, to the cure, and Halloween itself; I tell her everything. "So finally I did it. The ritual worked and I can now change into a black leopard whenever I want." I still haven't looked at her during the time I've talked. The silence stretches out and I wonder if she's discovered one of the secrets I'd kept.
She has. "The hyena thing...you remember don't you?"
"Yeah. I remember."
"And you didn't tell me?"
Running my hand through my hair I almost scream in frustration. "What was I supposed to tell you? Oh by the way, Buffy, remember our little get together in the teacher's lounge? You know where I almost raped the one person I..." Finally I manage to cut myself off, but I sort of think it was too late. I just can't keep myself from doing things when I'm around Buffy.
"You what?"
"What the hell do you want me to say, Buffy?" She's driving me nuts again, but I think I've pretty much established that she always does that. "Do you want me to say that you're the reason I get up in the morning and my last thought before I go to sleep? Do you want me to tell you that the sun rises and sets for me in your eyes? Do you want me to rip my heart out and hand it to you to do with it what you wish even if I know that you'll only grind it under your boot? Tell me what you want, and I'll do it. Anything just so that there'll be a chance for you to love me the same way I love you!"
Buffy blinks a couple of times. "That certainly answers the question."
"Hunh?"
"You know," she waves vaguely, "my question. 'You what?' Not that I couldn't guess already what with the notes and the flowers and the notes."
"You said notes twice." Why in the hell am I interrupting her? Think, Xander think!
"It bears repeating because there were a lot of them. They were starting to get all scrunchy like in the locker whenever I got some books. What did you do, stuff one through the vent slots every time you passed by?"
"No, um, sorta, kinda, yeah." I don't think I'll tell her that I actually went out of my way several times to stick a note in. "So what does this mean? I mean for us? Am I forgiven? Do I need to do something else to get to that point? Do you never want to see me again? Because I've got to say Buffy that thinking that not knowing where I stand with you has been driving me completely insane."
"Don't know. Could be any number of things really. Option A: I could forgive you and we could go back to being friends. Option B: I could decide that you need to grovel some more before I forgive you. Option C: No forgiveness. But I've kind of been leaning towards Option D."
My throat's pretty dry. She's pretty much indicated that whatever plans she's already stated aren't how she wants to do things and I'm completely clueless as to what that leaves. A minute or two passes without her continuing. "What's Option D?"
"Option D? Oh, I forgive you and we could try that whole date thing. You've pretty much made it clear how you feel about me. The problem is that I don't really know how I feel, but I do know that I'm not completely indifferent to you. That whole time I spent worrying about you when you were missing kind of rammed that home for me; that kiss thing on Monday and how yummy you looked without your shirt helped too, not to mention those glasses of yours. And I just realized you must have been locked up in that cage instead of hitchhiking down the coast from Oregon which means that there was not hot chick in a convertible." Sweet hell, it's the Buffy glare-o- doom.
"Nope no cute chick in a convertible for me. I got to eat rats though. And let me tell you that you haven't truly eaten until you've had rat."
"Ewww. I so didn't want to hear that."
"So are we good?" I detect a hint of pleading creeping into my voice. "Are we going to do this date thing? Because if you're just kidding here I doubt I'd be able to take it."
"Yeah we're going to do the date thing. And the patrol thing. Probably in the opposite order really. What I was actually thinking is that we keep things like they used to be from the outside. We don't tell anyone about the whole cat thing because it could come in really handy if we ever needed to use it."
"Yeah." My mind is elsewhere though, namely the cage I spent almost a full week locked inside. "Yeah, I really like that idea." I tell her about Drusilla's odd remarks about me, and Spike's sudden change of mind regarding my fate. "It really freaked me out Buff. I mean he pulled complete one eighty on me when I thought for sure I was toast and all because Drusilla told him something that she didn't want me to hear. We've got to stake her, Buffy, she scares me. I mean really scares me. There's no telling how much she might know about us. Things that could hurt us." It's almost a relief to get that off of my chest like I had been holding it all inside.
"Okay, we stake freaky vampire chick pronto and move on. Now do your fur thingy so we can get moving. I want to hit a few cemeteries tonight before the vamps get a real chance to feed."
Nodding I murmur my chant and soon struggle out of my clothes. Buffy surprises me by helping me out before stashing them into a small backpack that I hadn't even noticed that she'd brought out with her.
"Come on Sphinx. Let's get moving." She starts to walk off and I can't help but watch the way her hips sway back and forth. She pauses. "And we are going to have a long talk after this patrol where we're going to talk about your habit of kissing me when I have no clue you were doing so."
I whimper slightly at this, but perk up a little bit when I realize that since we'll be going out soon I'll be able to kiss Buffy as a human. Maybe even some cuddling. Quickly I scamper after her giving her a swat on the rear with a paw before I take off towards the closest graveyard.
"Oooooh! You are so going to pay for that!"
Yeah, life is good.