Clean Up on Aisle 5

Author: Ed Scott <EScott92[at]>

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners... none of who are me.

Summary: Another Xander's hidden powers story.

Rating: PG 13

Feedback, It's the coin of the realm

Chapter 1

Sunnydale Mall

"You'll never be able to kill me." Angel declared. Buffy answered him by kicking him in his crotch.

"Give me time." Angel answered by groaning.

Xander, Willow, Oz, Cordelia and Giles were picking up the pieces of the Judge.

"Well, G-Man, are you going to ship this guy to London for safe keeping?"

"Yes Xander. They'll know how to dispose of him." Giles sees Buffy enter the lobby. "So, did you destroy Angelus?"

"I hurt him, but I did not finish him. I just couldn't."

Xander wanted to yell at Buffy. Tell her that Angelus was one of the most vicious vampires ever in existence. But if he did, Buffy and Willow will just say he was being jealous. They never saw Xander's eyes flash blue. Suddenly, all his military training became active in his consciousness.


It was the day after the Harvest. Xander was in his room mourning Jesse. Suddenly, he smelt cigar smoke. And his father doesn't smoke. Xander opened his eyes and saw an eighty year old man in a gray jacket, a checkered shirt and gray pants smoking a cigar.

"Hello, Xander. I'm God. We have to talk, and we don't have much time. I need your help. There are archangels that have the title The Powers That Be. I charged them with overseeing the fight against the darkness. I finally took a look to see their progress, and let's just say I was disturbed by what I saw."

"What did you see?"

"Oblivion. Not right away, but in a few years. I need you to make sure your friends stay on the straight and narrow. You also will be needed to clean up the messes that your friends are bound to make from time to time. I will do three things for you. One, when you get hurt in a fight, the next day, you will not be bruised. The only thing I won't cure are lost limbs or a lost head. Two, You will be immune to any disease human or demonic. Can't have you sick in bed with the flu, now can I? Three, if magic is directed at you specifically you will not be harmed. However, should you be possessed by anything, you'll still have control, but it would be advisable to act as if you are possessed. As a bonus, you will keep the abilities you should gain in the possessions. So, what do you say?"

"Not to sound ungrateful, but how do I know that you are Him?"

He rolled his eyes. "You know that glass of water by your bed?"

"Yeah. What about…. It?" In the glass was a red liquid Xander picked it up and smelled it. He couldn't believe it. On second thought, he believes it now.

"Ok, I believe you. You just hired yourself a janitor." God held out His hand and Xander shook it. The calm and peace in that handshake overwhelmed Xander. He passed out.

"Good luck, kid. We're all going to need it."

End Flashback

Xander was in his bedroom removing his guns from under his bed. He had two police issue 9mm guns with hollow point ammunition, a double barreled sawed off shotgun and two boxes of shells, a six shooter to put in the back of his pants, a Kevlar vest and a full length trench coat. As he was cleaning and loading his guns, there was someone coughing to get Xander's attention. Xander quickly grabbed his six shooter and pointed it at whoever was coughing. Xander saw a man in a 1970's pimp suit. Xander pulled the hammer back.

"I can't let you kill him, Harris. He is needed." He noticed that Xander's eyes flashed blue for two seconds.

"You should be getting a call in three seconds." Xander pushed the hammer on his gun back to where it should be and put it back behind his back. He then turned around and continued cleaning his guns. Ignoring the balance demon altogether.

"What are you talking about?" He made a step towards Xander when he got a message from his bosses to return to see them Now.

Realm of the Powers That Be

Whistler showed up and saw his bosses totally freaked out. As far as he knew, there was only one being capable of doing that. And if it was Him, then he wouldn't like what they had to say.

"We have had."

"A meeting with God."

"We are not allowed."

"To interfere with the mortal."

"Alexander Harris."

"We are also not allowed."

"To warn Angelus or Druscilla."

"To do so would send the three of us." "To hell for eternity."

Whistler was upset. Angel was his responsibility, but he has been severely overruled. He didn't like it, but he'd rather stay out of hell.

Chapter 2

Xander walked with determination as he headed towards the factory that Angelus was using for a lair. In his mind, he was begging the Powers to try and stop him. He was hyped for some action when he arrived at his destination. He saw two vampires, fledglings actually, guarding the front door. Xander took his shotgun, and blew their hearts out. While reloading, he rushed to the door and kicked it open.

"Avon calling. Is the lady of the house at home?" A vampire jumped at Xander and had his head removed by a shotgun blast. He heard screaming behind him, so he put the shotgun on his shoulder and pulled the trigger. He dropped the shotgun because he had no time to reload. He was about to go for his other guns, but a vampire jumped on his back. The vampire knocked him down, and bit his neck. Attempting to feed on the hunter.

As soon as the first drops of Xander's blood hit the vampire's mouth, it screamed in agony. It clutched it's throat and tried to spit the blood out of it's mouth. As soon as the blood was absorbed into the vampire's system, it dusted. Xander had no time to think about it, when he felt Angelus hit him in his right jaw.

Xander's head was supposed to be knocked off. It barely moved. Xander and Angelus were both shocked that Angelus' punch did not hurt Xander the way it was intended.

"That's the best you've got? Looking a little weak there. Guess that happens when you get to be 200 years old. Can't hit like you used to when you were 150. They have a pill for that."

Angelus responded by hitting Xander in the head again. He got the same result. Angered at this, Angelus swung what he thought was a fast punch, but Xander easily ducked and followed with a punch to his stomach that winded the formerly souled vampire. He followed that up with a one two combination to his head, a kick to the stomach and finished with an uppercut.

On the other side of the factory, Druscilla was quickly pushing Spike out of the factory and to his car. She didn't know how to drive, but she had to get out of there.

"Dru, what's the rush? It's just the Slayer's friend. He's not that dangerous."

"Kitten is dangerous, my Spike. He's been blessed by the Almighty, he has. We have to run and hide." Spike just wanted to get out of Sunnydale. If what Dru said was true, then the Hellmouth was getting too hot for the likes of him.

Xander and Angelus fought an even fight. Each one giving as good as he got. Angelus was confused about the situation. He didn't know what was going on. This boy should be dead and possibly turned by now.

"Alright boy, why is it that I'm not bathing in your blood right now?"

In his best Elwood Blues impression, "I'm on a mission from God. I have been sent by Him to clean up the messes the Powers That Be make. You were supposed to guide Buffy. Not fall in love with her, you schmuck. Now that you no longer have a soul, you are fair game. You ready to go one more round?"

Angelus screamed and charged at Xander. Xander spun, grabbed him by his collar and threw him into a cement wall. He grabbed his guns and shot him in the back of his knees. Xander found a wooden chair and hit Angelus in the back of the head, turning the chair into kindling. He grabbed a sharp piece of the chair and finished Angelus forever.

Xander was exhausted. He felt like crap and all he wanted to do was go home and get some sleep. He'd think about all of this in the morning. If he had the strength to stand up. All the vampires he didn't kill were starting to get up. This caused Xander to get up and get home. Maybe he'll get lucky and find a cab on the way.

The Realm of the Powers That Be

They all stood and watched Angelus being destroyed. They knew they could not directly or indirectly interfere with the boy. They did not like this wild card dealt into their hand. But He told them to back off. A plan was forming in their minds about dealing with his friends. Maybe they could get him through them. Just then, they smelled cigar smoke. They knew they were in trouble.

"I thought I told you to leave the boy alone. That also included his friends that you knew he would die to protect. So, in words that will be famous in a few years, 'You're fired.' Enjoy your retirement." A portal opened underneath the Powers and they screamed on their way to Earth. The Powers, now known as Jim and Jane Powers, They found out in a letter found on a table, that they were mortal, never to be as high as middle management, will never be able to talk about Heaven, and have to pay taxes. They will be allowed to be in Heaven if they earn it. Just like every other mortal. The Creator looked at the balance demon.

"So, what am I going to do with you?"

Whistler was getting nervous. He liked his job but he didn't want to pay anything. "I just do what they told me to do. They never told me about the clause in his curse. I didn't know. If I had, I would have told him not to fall in love with the Slayer."

"Well, it's a good thing I created that young man. I wanted to see what they would do should a monkey wrench be thrown into the works. Guess I'll be busier than I was. Hear this, the next time you talk to them, no cryptic nonsense. You flat out tell them what they need to know. If not, I hear they have an opening at Ringling Brothers for a new bearded lady. You want that job instead?" Whistler shook his head. "I knew you'd see things my way."