Xander stared at the walls, trying to avoid looking directly at any of the Demons or other creatures in the club. He still didn't know why he was there and was getting more and more irritated by the second.
*God.. why am I doing this... my life sucks enough anyway. I should have just gone ahead and done it... but no, I had to come and see Cordy first. Just my luck that she's gone on a vacation to visit her parents.*
Xander heard the music stop and glanced over at the stage. He had been halfway listening to the strange Blue-skinned Demon singing "Like a Virgin" for the last 5 minutes and was shocked that no one was booing.
*Strange club.. and an even stranger name.. Caritas?*
Xander looked over at the next table where Angel and his crew sat. Xander had moved to a separate table when they arrived... too uncomfortable to sit with them... and the girl, Fred, reminded him too much of Willow.
*Willow...*
Xander winced at the memory and shook his head. Thinking about her hurt almost as much as Buffy.
*Buffy...*
Xander bent over in pain and closed his eyes... a single tear leaking out.
*Oh god...*
It had been almost 2 months since Buffy... since she had died... and on that day, Xander had lost all reason for living.
"Thank you, thank you... well, who shall be next.. let me see here.... Xander Harris.. come on up here."
Xander looked up in shock and then looked over at Angel... who was grinning and pointing at the stage. Xander glared at him and then looked to his left when a green-skinned guy appeared and smiled at him.
"Hello Xander... I'm Lorne. Do you know what you'd like to sing?"
Xander looked up at him and glared.
"I'm not singing."
Lorne laughed.
"Of course you are... now get up there."
Xander looked into Lorne's eyes and saw a determination that almost rivaled Willow's resolve face.
"Fine... whatever.. what do you have?"
Lorne grinned and handed over a laminated sheet of paper. Xander looked through it and shook his head.
"Can't make up my mind. I like these three..."
Lorne nodded.
"Then by all means.. sing all three. I don't mind."
Xander looked around at the people waiting and nodded slowly. He climbed to his feet and walked to the stage. As he arrived, he heard Lorne making an announcement.
"Everyone... Xander will be singing three songs for your listening pleasure."
Xander sighed and ground his teeth.. then stepped up to the mike. He paused for a moment as he thought about his first choice. It relayed how he felt now.. and how she was gone.
/// Driving faster in my car
Falling farther from just what we are
Smoke a cigarette and lie some more
These conversations kill
Falling faster in my car.
Time to take her home
Her dizzy head is conscience laden
Time to take a ride, it leaves today, no conversation
Time to take her home her dizzy head is conscience laden
Time to wait too long, to wait too long, to wait too long
Too much walking, shoes worn thin
Too much trippin and my soul's worn thin
Time to catch a ride, it leaves today
Her name is what it means
Too much walkin' shoes worn thin.
Time to take her home
Her dizzy head is conscience laden
Time to take a ride, it leaves today, no conversation
Time to take her home her dizzy head is conscience laden
Time to wait too long, to wait too long, to wait too long
Conversations kill...
Conversations kill...
Conversations kill...///
Xander paused and caught his breath as he finished the first song. He didn't look into the audience, choosing to keep his eyes closed... and he missed the look that crossed Lorne's face.
*He's lost someone... a girl... and its killing him.*
Xander then began his second song, chosen for a moment in his life where he was betrayed by the one he loved the most.
/// Waiting on a Sunday afternoon
For what I read between the lines,
Your lies.
Feelin' like a hand in rusted shame
So do you laugh or does it cry?
Reply?
Leavin' on a southern train
Only yesterday you lied,
Promises of what I seemed to be
Only watched the time go by,
All of these things you said to me........
*I know this.. this feeling... oh god.. this is then....*
Angel looked up at Xander as he sang, knowing what Xander was singing about. Buffy's lying to everyone when he returned from Hell. He had no idea that it had hurt Xander that much...
Breathing is the hardest thing to do.
With all I've said and all that's dead for you,
You lied - good bye
Leavin' on a southern train
Only yesterday you lied
Promises of what I seemed to be
Only watched the time go by,
All of these things I said to you.///
As Xander stopped singing, he could feel tears falling down his cheeks.
*One more... come on.. then you can leave and do this.*
Xander took in a shuddering breath and calmed himself. He had chosen this last song as a beginning and an end. He could still see it all clearly in his mind... her face, a soft half smile/half scowl, the sunlight playing in her hair... and then he flashed to recently.. and the last moments...
Xander cleared his throat and took a deep breath.. then began. As he sang.. his voice came out soft yet strong.. and there was an almost eerie quality to it...
///She turned away, what was she looking at?
She was a sour girl the day that she met me
Hey! What are you looking at?
She was a happy girl the day that she left me
She turned away what was she looking at?
She was a sour girl the day that she met me
Hey! What are you looking at?
She was a happy girl when she left me
What would you do?
What would you do if I followed you?
What would you do if I follow?
Don't turn away, what are you looking at?
He was so happy on the day that he met her
Say, what are you looking at?
I was a superman, but looks are deceiving
The rollercoaster rides a lonely one
I paid a ransom note to stop it from steaming
Hey! What are you looking at?
She was a teenage girl when she met me
What would you do?
What would you do if I followed you?
What would you do if I follow?
The girl got reasons, they all got reasons
Hey! What are you looking at?
She was a happy girl the day that she left me
The day that she left me
She was a happy girl the day that she left me
She was a sour girl the day that she met
The day that she left me.....///
Xander finished the song and turned away from the mike. He wiped his eyes then turned to look at the audience, a cold almost dead look to his eyes... then, with no warning, he walked off the stage and out the door.
Lorne stared in shock, unable to move for a second as the impact of the triad of songs hit him.
*Oh my god! He's going to kill himself!*
Lorne jumped to his feet and started toward the door but was stopped by Angel.
"What's wrong?"
Lorne stared at him.
"Your boy is about to do something very stupid. Stop him!"
Angel frowned and then realization hit him.
*... what would you do if I followed you...*
It hit him like a ton of bricks.
"Xander's going to kill himself."
Lorne nodded and the two of them ran out of the club, knocking over tables and chairs on their way out.
On the street, they could see Xander walking away into the darkness and they ran after him.
"Xander! Stop!"
Xander paused and looked over his shoulder at them with dead eyes.
"Why?"
Angel came to a halt seconds before Lorne and they both stared at Xander.
"I know how you're feeling, sweetie, but you can't do what you're planning. It's a major no no to the PTB."
Xander stared at Lorne and frowned.
"I.. I don't know what you're talking about.. and what is the PTB?"
Lorne frowned.
"You're lying... and the PTB are the Powers That Be. They are like... well.. they're in charge, so to speak, and you doing that... is bad in their eyes."
Angel nodded.
"You're in pain.. we can see that now, Xander, but you can't kill yourself. Do you really think Buffy would want you to do that? Do you think she would be happy and welcome you with open arms if you killed yourself to be with her?"
Xander thought about it and slowly shook his head.
"No.. not really. She's probably be mad at me."
Angel nodded.
"Yeah.. and she would probably kick your ass across Heaven and back... then do it again... and in the end, still be very angry with you... and hurt, hurt that you would do something like that in the first place. Do you really want to make her sad?"
Xander shook his head, tears falling freely now.
"No.. but.. it hurts... it hurts so bad."
Angel pulled Xander against his chest in a hug and felt Xander try to break away.. then fell into the hug.
"I know... I know... I've been there. I lost her so long ago... over 2 years ago... and it still hurts every day."
Xander pulled away from Angel and took a few steps back... then wiped his nose on his sleeve.
"Does the pain ever go away?"
Angel shook his head.
"No.. you will hurt for her for the rest of your life... but over time, the pain gets less and less.. until it is just a dull ache in your body. Then... then you can get used to it."
Xander nodded slowly... understanding.
"Have you?"
Angel nodded.
"It hurts... but I can live with it.. or not live as the case may be."
Xander snickered and smiled... then frowned.
"I.. I don't know what to do now. I planned this out.. and I can't go back to Sunnydale."
Angel frowned.
"Why?"
Xander sighed and shook his head.
"I'm not needed. Willow has Tara... and she has chosen to ignore me ever since she started college. We haven't spoken in over 2 months.. and the last time was her ordering me to go home... the night Buffy died. Anya left almost half a year or so ago. She said life with me was too dangerous. Dawn is with Spike all the time... and last time I tried to talk to her... she slapped me and walked off. I have nothing for me there... that's one of the reasons why I was going to kill myself."
Angel nodded, understanding how it felt to be isolated from your friends and family.
"You.. you still have me.. and Cordy. You could stay with us... if you want. I own this hotel now.. and its in bad shape. You worked construction.. right?"
Xander nodded as Angel continued.
"... then why don't you come live in the hotel and fix it up while you stay. You can have your own room... and you can even help me and my crew out... if you wanted to. I can even spend time with you on training and working out, if you'd like... and I'm sure Cordy would be thrilled to see you. She loves you.. you know that.. right?"
Xander shook his head.
"No.. I didn't know."
Angel nodded and smiled.
"Yeah. She pretends she doesn't.. but I know she does... but I'm not sure if its.. friendly.. or what. You'll just have to ask her yourself."
Xander nodded.
"Yeah... I guess so."
Just then.. Angel's crew arrived and looked confused. Angel smiled and motioned for them to go over to the car. They climbed in the back while Angel and Xander climbed in the front.
"So... what does this hotel of yours look like... Angel?"
Angel stared at Xander in shock. That was the first time he could remember Xander not calling him Deadboy.
"Well.. you'll just have to wait and see... Liveboy."
Xander smirked at his new nickname and shook his head.
"I'm going to regret this.. aren't I?"
Angel just smiled smugly and started the engine.. then headed back to the hotel. He glanced over at Xander and saw a smile on the young man's face... and knew, that everything you be ok... and the long night would soon be over, dawning on a brand new day...