Dead as DAS

Author: MH <www.weezergirl[at]>

DISCLAIMER: I DO... not... own BtVS or 'Spaceballs'

RATING: NC-17 - for death & sex.

SPOILERS: No spoilers... read about this das person and decided to write a fic. I was TOTALLY inspired by Das. [he, she, it... whatever]

But I'm thinking more along the lines that DAS has more 'imaginary friends' than real ones...

Any ways... I took a break from writing my Buffy/El Mariachi crossover fic, to write this JUST. FOR. Das.













"D E A D A S D A S"

12 Noon
[Summers' House]
Sunnydale, California

Xander was on his way downstairs to finally take the wooden boards down to replace it with a new window for the living room. It had taken him sometime to collect enough money to buy a new window after the bringers broke the last one.

As he got downstairs he noticed that the living room was completely dark. He couldn't see a single thing inside. But he knew the Summers' home well enough to know where the nearest lamp was at. Entering the living- room he reached out to turn on the light, but accidently tripped over something. Most likely a pair of shoes since the potentials did have a tendency to leaves there clothes lying around.

Xander had a brief moment of a naughty thought, before his hand shot out to grab a hold of one of the boards, since he was so close to the wall.

As his hand fell onto a nailed board on the wall, all of his hard work went down the drain. As the boards one-by-one began to fall off the wall, making a big enough racket to wake the dead.

Xander finally noticed that there was only one board that was still connected to the wall. The one he held onto when he tripped.

A scream caught his attention as he took a look around the living room, not believing what he was seeing.

Spike jumped up as the sun made contact with his skin. He made an unhumanly scream as he caught on fire shortly before turning into a small pile of dust.

But that wasn't what had caught Xander's attention. Even though it did bring a small smile to his face.

What was really making him drool was the sight that was still before him.

The entire female household were transfixed in one HUGE lesbian orgy.

The numerous potentials...

The two slayers...

An ex-demon...

A witch...

And an inter-dimensional Key...

Most of them were just couples and 3-ways.

Buffy was busy in a 4-way, with three potentials and lots of toys that were being used on the blonde slayer. One of the SIT's being Kennedy...

Willow was behind one of the SIT's that was on all four's.

While Faith and Anya were doing things to Dawn that he was certain were illegal in the state of California.

Hell it was probably illegal in Texas too, and they still have the electric chair and lethal injection.


*[Do prisoners still get the E.C? I don't think L.I. is given any more, is it? Well it is in my story!]*


Buffy took a brief moment to look up just in time to see Spike combust into dust.

"Oh my GOD," Buffy yelled, "you killed Spike!"

Before she could yell any more at Xander for killing Spike, her eyes rolled into the back of her head as a VERY loud moan escaped from her mouth.

"Oh... yes," Buffy cried out in pure ecstasy, "that's the spot... right there."

Buffy, no longer concerned with Spike, began to bask in the pleasure that the SIT's were gladly giving her.

Xander, no longer able to concentrate on the work at hand, ran up the stairs to effectively use the upstairs bathroom.

Buffy took another moment to yell out...

"Somebody help Xander out."

... before she went back to concentrate at what the three potentials were doing to her body.

A moment later two SIT's(the exact two that were in Xander's dream) ran upstairs to have some naughty fun with the lonely carpenter.

No one seemed to notice a group of onlookers, as they started to gather at the hole on the wall where the window should have gone, enjoying the free show they had the utmost pleasure of seeing.


Xander gasped as he woke up. He remembered what had happened last night, as he had fallen asleep in the hallway of Buffy and Dawn's home. He had stayed at the Summers' home to watch the potentials train... and sweat. Oh GOD, what a sight to watch.

"Man," Xander whispered, "my dreams keep getting better and better."

He then noticed the current condition of his body. Well... what were the chances of him getting caught?? Even though he was in a house full of beautiful girls, this didn't increase his luck of getting to live out his sexual fantasies. So he got up and headed to the bathroom to 'relieve some tension'.

As he opened the bathroom door and clicked on the light, only one thought entered his mind before he quickly passed out:

"So that's why they were gone ALL day, yesterday!"

Inside the bathroom stood Willow, Dawn, and Kennedy. Completely NUDE. The witch and the potential were introducing the younger Summers girl into the world of sexual bliss. Better known as Lesbianism.


They were caught off guard when Xander entered the bathroom, and were stunned to see him pass out. Dawn was the first to speak:

"That was a first," said Dawn.

"What?" asked Kennedy

"Xander passing out at seeing three naked girls," Dawn answered.

"So what do we do with him?" Kennedy asked.

She noticed, how could she not, a certain area on his body that were giving her new and amazing ideas. She had a sexy grin on her face that Willow, even though only knowing her for a short time, knew too well what it meant.

"Huh?" Willow was still shocked, knowing that Xander, her best friend, saw her naked.

"Well," Kennedy began to explain, "we can't leave the door wide open for everybody that walks by to see us. So... we either drag him in and continue what we were doing with an extra person to join in on the fun. Or we can do the stupid thing, and toss him out."

"Are you trying to say what I think you're trying to say?" Willow asked. Shocked that her girlfriend. Her LESBIAN GIRLFRIEND was thinking about a guy, in a sexual way.

"Well," Kennedy blushed, "haven't you noticed him before?"

"Yeah," said Willow, "but that doesn't mean that I STILL notice him."

Dawn stayed silent as the other two girl were talking. This was THE first time that Dawn had known for Kennedy to show any sexual interest in the opposite sex.

"You'd be blind not to notice that," Kennedy shot back, pointing at the unconscious body. Or actually at a certain spot... i.e. between his legs.

Willow looked at where her girlfriend's eyes were glued to. Finally noticing Xander's erection through his pants, her facing turning into a brighter shade of red than her hair, as she felt old feelings for her best friend that she hadn't felt in years. Lust.

"Hey," said Kennedy, "I know I'm gay. But after seeing that, even I'm interested in giving men a shot."

Without waiting for Willow's approval, Kennedy and Dawn began to pull Xander's body into the bathroom before closing the door.

Willow looked away as Dawn and Kennedy began to take his cloths off. She was too ashamed to look at his naked body. Willow was even more ashamed of herself of being aroused at finally getting to see him naked, after all those years of being in love with him.

But she broke out of her silence as she saw the two other girls as they ripped a towel into shreds and using the stripes to tie his legs and arms together.

"This isn't right," Willow said, "this is rape."

Willow Rosenberg, Jewish Wicca, was shocked again at what the other two girls were wanting to do to her best friend.

"And what's he got to complain about," Dawn said, "What's he gonna do? Go to the cops? What's he gonna say: Oh officer, I was just raped by three sexy lesbians. They used my body for their sexual pleasure."

"Any guy would KILL to be in Xander's position," said Kennedy, clearly siding with Dawn.

"Well," Willow said, a sexy grin appeared on her face, "now that you put it that way. We might as well have some fun."


Andrew was enjoying his precious time alone as he sat in the kitchen watching his favorite movie. He was interrupted when he heard a loud noise coming from upstairs.

"These Neanderthals," Andrew complained to himself, "too 'busy' to watch a classical movie. A Masterpiece unto itself. They wouldn't know class if it bit them on their behinds."


[Andrew's Movie]

The inside of a Spaceship.

C. Sanders: Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.

Dark Helmet: Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.

Princess Vespa: What's going on?

Dot Matrix: Either it's the fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us.

Princess Vespa: Hey, I don't have to put up with this... I'm rich.

Dot Matrix: What are you doing?

Princess Vespa: I'm calling my father: 1-800- D R U I D I A.


Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose not up it!

Gunner: Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best.

Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?

Major: I did, sir. He's my cousin.

Dark Helmet: Who is he?

C. Sanders: He's an Asshole, sir.

Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?

C. Sanders: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.

Dark Helmet: And his cousin?

C. Sanders: He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner mate, First Class, Philip Asshole.

Dark Helmet: How many Assholes we got on this ship anyhow?

Everyone: YO!

Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes.

Keep firing Assholes.

T H E E N D...