From Bad(fic) To Worse

Author: Drake-Tepes & The Voices In His Head

Spoilers: Season 7 Buffy, "Harm's Way" (for now) in Angel, all of "Roswell" and more later to come later, I'm sure.

Rating: R

Author's Note: As always, thanks to Mark for beta'ing, though I'm sure he'd rather his name not be mentioned with this. This story is not to be taken seriously, at all. It is, but is not, a sequel to a story I did for the tv show "Roswell", but you won't need to have read it to understand. Because this can't be understood. Monkeys could have been at my keyboard and produced better. This is just… It's bad, and it's meant to be. It's shameless. I hope you like it. Also, for ease, I'll probably have "Interludes" before the story parts. The Interludes… Well, I'll let you see them for yourselves, and then I'll explain if there's problems. One last note. Anyone who feedsback might get… *coughs* mentioned (read: maligned) in future parts. Ah hell, you'll just have to read it to understand. Oh, and many crossovers. But the main cast I think will be from Buffy & Roswell… for now.

Editor's Note: I (Mark) take no responsibility for this fic, with the exception of "Yes, that should be a comma" and "No, you do not spell 'smorgasbord' with a p."

Feedback: Feedback At Your Own Risk

Blame: The blame for this falls upon that damn rabbit and the MuppetZone.

Final Note: This will be updated and it will be finished, but this is all I have so far. It will get written very randomly as the muse hits the right combination of pills and alcohol. But, if people out there are demented enough to like it, I will continue until it's done.

Oh no, not again.

Location: Who The Hell Cares

Alex: Oh you've got to be kidding me, he can't be writing another damn story like this.

Spike: It's inhumane.

Xander: You aren't human, what does it matter?

Spike: I have standards.

Xander: Could have fooled me. So, what is this anyway?

Andrew: I w-was kind of wondering that.

Kennedy: What brought us here, and how can I kill it?

Kyle: Hot damn, another one! Will we be stripping again?

Tess: Is this where you guys hung around between parts last time?

Alex: Yes, it is. For those of you new to this, this is… We never named it, huh. Let's call it the In-Between. This is the place between fanfic, the real world and the canon world. Where we can interact and basically plead with the Author not to harm us.

Spike: Or threaten the fucker. He better get me back with my beloved Buffy in some gra---

Spike Suddenly Bursts Into Dust

Xander: We're on the XanderZone bitch, Author is going to pander to them!

Another Spike Sits Where The Old Spike Did, Putting Away A Stake

Xander: Or not.

Spike: God, I hated that poof. "Buffy this" and "Buffy that", lost his fucking balls he did. Anyway, I'm Season 5 Spike, upgraded to have the memories of that poof, but not his personality.

Kennedy: What was wrong with the other Spike? He helped us.

AUTHOR VOICE OVER: Sorry kids, decided I didn't want Kennedy in this story after all, there's already too many characters.

Kennedy: Hey, wait, you can't just---

An Anvil Falls From The Sky And Lands On Kennedy Knocking Her Through The Ground And Into Somewhere Else To Wait On A Story To Be Written For Her

AUTHOR: Just remember, don't piss me off or you're out of the story, or you'll be trapped in it and I'll just torment you.

Alex: He's not joking.

Andrew: He's going to get rid of me next, isn't he?

Xander & Spike Look At Each Other

Xander & Spike: Probably.

Andrew Whimpers

Alex: Any idea how he's going to pull this off though? I'm dead, Kyle is on the run, Spike is stuck in LA, Tess is supposedly dead and he and Andrew are supposed to be heading to Cleveland.

Spike: Knowing the Author, he'll just explain it away with some asinine shit about clones or some shit. How this guy is even allowed to write amazes me.

AUTHOR: Spike, don't make me hurt you.

Spike: Bugger off, you like me like this. Hell, I bet the sole reason I'm here is to piss off those fuckers on the XanderZone. You'll have them calling for my death and then just keep me around to annoy them.

Xander: Is he stupid? Those people love me, he tries that and…

Alex: Hey, Xander right? Thought so, anyway, you've not read what this sick bastard writes man. He'll definitely do it to annoy them. Last time he did something like this he kept making fun of PMS when 90% of his readers were women. I'd say he's fearless but that's a compliment, he's just an asshole. And an idiot.

Kyle: He was always good to me.

Tess: And it was a little fun.

Andrew: I'm going to die.

Xander: And hey, this is going on My list. He can't mess with me here, I bet I'm impervious. They'll flame him for messing with me.

AUTHOR: Thank you for volunteering for Butt-Monkey duty Xan, you're first on my list to be humiliated.

Xander: He's just kidding. Right?

Kyle, Tess And Alex Are All Silent With Sad Looks On Their Faces

Spike Is Grinning From Ear-To-Ear

Andrew: I don't think he is.

Xander: Well shit.

Part One
On The Road

Xander loaded up the rest of his few meager possessions into the Dodge Durango-

Author: Dear Dodge, please send me a Dodge Durango for product placement.
Story: Shit, you're starting this early? How did you get me back for another story?!? I had a restraining order.
Author: Aw, honey, restraining orders are made to be broken.
Story: You write this damn story, I'm calling my lawyers again.
Author: Sheesh, you should like my ex. Fine fine, I'll manage writing this part on my own. Now, back to the first paragraph.

--and prepared for his road trip. He wanted to find himself out there, as opposed how he'd been finding himself with his hand in his pants. So here he was, ready to drive out into the great unknown. But he was happy, and he liked his new bumper sticker: "Warning: Pirate On Board, He Wants Your Booty!"

The entire Sunnydale gang were gathered to see him off from Oxnard where they were regrouping. It was great to see the gang there, especially since all the women had chose to wear skimpy bikinis and slutty stilettos for his send off. It was a beautiful sight that would keep him company on his long trip. Unfortunately Andrew decided to join in and dress in a speedo. If that weren't bad enough, he kept hugging Xan in very… inappropriate ways. Only the site of Faith in the tiny blue bikini, Willow in the tiny green bikini, Kennedy in the tight white bikinki, Buffy in the itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie yellow polka dot bikini (which she wore for the first time today, and had fallen off earlier thanks to an amazing gust of wind) and Dawn in a thong-th-thong-thong-thong and what amounted to silver dollars for her top… only the sight of all of that kept Xander from becoming permanently impotent from Andrew's attentions.

Author: Don't you all love me now? I thought so.

With a sad wave and many mental photographs, Xander drove his new Dodge Durango away with a smile, his first stop would be LA. He'd stop by, annoy Deadboy for a few minutes and then get away after making sure he mooned Deadboy from the safety of sunlight.

Meanwhile Though, back in Oxnard, Andrew was crying 'cause he was missing Xander. His love for Xander was boundless, and his little heart was simply breaking. He was crying on Kennedy's shoulder, blind to the fact she was thinking of where to hide his body if he didn't stop. It was then that Kennedy's face clearly perked up as she had an idea… it was a 9lb 8oz boy, she named it Timmy. Sadly, this was the only thought she had, so after she spoke it aloud to Andrew, it died of loneliness.

"You know Andrew, if you care that much you should go after him. Go get a car and follow him and make sure he knows how you feel," Kennedy said, just before the idea died in her head.

"You think so? Wait, that's a good idea, it works in the movies… That's what I'll do, thanks Kennedy!" With that, Andrew ran off to get a car and leave to follow Xander. It would be at least a few hours before he could do that though.

"What happened?" Willow asked as she came out, looking amazing in her bikini.

"Oh, Andrew decided to go after Xander and tell him how he feels."

"Oh, that's sweet. Good for them. Anyway, all the Slayers, myself and Dawn were about to have an orgy. You should cum, I mean, come and join in," Willow said with a sultry pout.

"Let's go," Kennedy replied with a smile.

Once inside the room, there was a sea of writhing nude female flesh (except they all still wore their slutty stilettos, except one girl whose foot was--- elsewhere). It was hard to tell where one ended and another began as they seemed to be connected. Dawn's head was---

Story: Hey.

---thrown back, a moan on her lips---

Story: Hey!

---as the talented tongue of---

Story: HEY! Dammit!
Author: Huh? What? I was in the middle of something.
Story: I noticed. Dammit, it's bad enough you have to write me, but you are not making me a fucking smutfic. That's not the story you're telling. So scene cut.
Author: But, there's Hot Lesbian Action™ to be describing!
Story: I will harass you and interrupt until it losses it's effect if you don't stop.
Author: Fine, but all the readers can blame you.
Story: Good, maybe they'll make you stop writing. Now scene cut!
Author: Fine. Nagging bitch…
Story: I heard that!

A couple of hours later, and many miles away, Xander was still in route to LA. He was taking the long scenic way, when he saw a teenage guy on the side of the road. Xan, deciding this was the plot point that the author set out for him in the first part, stopped and picked the guy up.

"So, where you going?" Xan asked the teen.

"Anywhere but here. If you don't mind the company I'll just hitch a ride with you for awhile, wherever you're going," the guy said.

"Well, I'm going to LA then I'm just going to wander about. Sound good?"

"Yeah, fine with me. I'll chip in for gas money. Oh, my name's Kyle," the guy said, extending a hand to shake Xan's.

"Mine's Xander," Xan said, taking a hand off the wheel to shake the boy's hand. Unfortunately this caused the Dodge Durango to swerve a little, and flatten a rabbit on the highway. "Oops."

While the rabbit met its doom by being splattered across a road, Andrew was just pulling out of Oxnard in his new Dodge Durango which was a frilly shade of pink. He'd only gotten a few miles before he felt the urge to pull over. Like he didn't have a choice. When he did, an amazing beautiful, scrumptiously hot blonde hopped in the Durango with him. It took Andrew a minute to notice her.

"Oh… oh, um, hi. What can I, um do for you?"

"Drive, I just need to get out of here. So drive," the blonde goddess of pure hotness said.

"Um, okay… I'm going after a friend of mine, is that okay?" Andrew asked, a little dazed.

"Sure, that's fine. Oh, my name's Tess," the vision of beauty who should have had poems written about her, said.

"Oh, I'm Andrew. Wells. Andrew Wells. Um, I think we're going to LA." Andrew said, still dazed and now drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He looked over at the blonde again, trying to figure out why he stopped for her. He totally missed seeing the rabbit in front of him until it was too late and blood splattered the windshield. "Oh god, oh god, oh god… I killed a rabbit, but I'm a good guy, oh no." With that litany, Andrew pulled off the road and got ill.

"Fucking pansy ass men," Tess said before punching the heaving Andrew in the back of the head and tossing him the backseat. "I'll wake you up when we get to LA." The most hot of hotness of women said, as she got behind the steering wheel, her lovely blonde ringlets jiggling and set off for LA.

None of the people in the Dodge Durango's knew what fate had in store for their future. They had no way of knowing what would happen. This was for a very good reason. The Author hadn't decided yet. But it'd probably be something sick and/or embarrassing.

Interlude One
Kill 'em all! (except those I like)

Spike: I take a little smoke and a lotta wine

Alex: I get high on all those friends of mine

Kyle: I like the sweet young things and no granddads

Xander: And I like to have women I've never had

Xander: I like to ride my horses and shoot my gun

Kyle: You know a cowboys work is just never done

Alex: Well I am in to basics and I don't like fads

Spike: And I like to have women I never had

Xander: Hey, I don't mean to ever do nobody no wrong

Alex: I was just born the son of a singing song

Spike: I do things to make people mad

Kyle: And I like women I never had

Tess Smacks Kyle

Kyle: Ow, honey, I was only singing. You know you're the only woman I want… outside of a threesome.

Tess: Well you just remember that and maybe that'll happen one day?

Kyle: Please don't let that be sarcasm.

Andrew: I don't like that song, it's condescending to women.

Spike: Oh shut up you fuckin' Hobbit.

Xander: Spike, that's not right.

Andrew: Thank you.

Xander: He's a wee fuckin' Hobbit.

Group Laughs At Andrew

Andrew: I can't help how I look on the show, but I must say I do make a rather impressive Samwise.

Alex: Impressively sad and pathetic, guaranteed to never know the touch of a woman.

Tess: No, he'll know the touch of a woman. Probably a slap. Maybe his own touch after a sex change.

Andrew Whining: Why're you all so mean?

Spike: You bring it out of us.

Xander: It's true, you ask for it.

Kyle: Okay, enough about the Hobbit. So you're in Africa, and you got your hands lopped off. I thought vamps bits would turn to dust when chopped.

Spike: That was in Blade, good movie that. Fucked up and wrong, but good movie.

Xander: Africa, fuck that's going to make a lot of fics now. XZ already mentioned a lot of them. And our stupid ass Author was thinking of writing one about me basing it on and with the Quatermain stuff.

Alex: That doesn't sound so bad.

Xander: He's only seen the Richard Chamberlain movies and LXG. He's going to base it off that.

Group: Ouch.

Andrew: LXG was just so off, I mean, okay it was nice, but Tom Sawyer was American, plus completely not of the right timeframe, he would have been sixty, it was a…

Spike Punches Andrew, Knocking Him Unconscious

Group: Thanks.

Kyle: Fuck the XanderZone, you knocking his ass out makes you a hero in my book.

Spike: Wasn't for you sods, he was annoying me with his gibberish.

Alex: Well, all the same, thanks.

Tess: I'll do it next time, I can seal his mouth.

Kyle: Have I mentioned how much I love, yet fear you my dear?

Tess: Not lately, so keep it in mind.

Xander: Ah, just as well. Besides, Tom Sawyer could have been the right age for the movie. A book sequel was done, I think it was 'Tom Sawyer Detective' or something like that where he was a teenager. That'd fit right.

Spike: Do you want knocked out too?

Xander: Nevermind.

Spike: So, let's kill all the reviewers to the first part now, okay?

Xander: Let's hold off, give them time to repent. If anyone is stupid enough to leave feedback to this one, then we bash them.

Alex: I thought we were going to get them this time.

Xander: Well, I kind of like how I'm written and…

Tess: Let me guess, you don't want to piss off a reviewer who writes you in a way you like, so you're pussying out of bashing the sorry sacks of shit because you want your fortune and glory in their works?

Xander: Pretty much, yeah.

Kyle: That's low, but I don't mind. But they reply this time we'll kill 'em all.

Xander: Except the ones I like.

Spike: No exceptions. I like the idea of beating the crap out of XanderZone authors. Character bashing halfwit dumbfucks.

AUTHOR: The views expressed by the characters are not indicative of the Author, the Story or the Editor.

Spike: Yup, the Author's a fucking pussy too.

AUTHOR: Do you really want to mess with me Spike?

Spike: It's what I'm here for. Unless you're going to write another story like the last one where you have me stripping for an audience of adoring women.

AUTHOR: Let's not talk about that.

Spike: Oh, is Author ash…

AUTHOR: Spike, shut up or I'll chain your ears to Andrew's hips.

Spike Shuts Up And Shudders

Xander: And what the hell is wrong with the Editor? He writes good stories, but he's editing this shit? I mean, this is badfic, what the hell is there to edit?

EDITOR: I am not actually interacting with these characters. I won't lower myself that much as to respond.

Xander: But you just did. I want an answer damn you! Does the Author have pictures of you screwing a dead gopher or something? Is he blackmailing you into this, 'cause if he is we can help you.

Right guys.

Alex: Sure.

Kyle: Fine.

Tess: Whatever.

Xander: Goddamn X-Files fans.

Spike: I'll help the Editor, he tends to be nice to me. Unlike the other ungrateful fuckers in this group.

Xander: You're just trying to rile them up, aren't you?

Spike: Dead cert. No talent idiots, bashing because they aren't creative enough to think up redemption, spending all their time whining about this and whining about that. No real creativity among most these sods. Just pathetic, if they spent as much time writing as they did whining they might be real authors.

AUTHOR: Again, at this time I'd like to remind readers that the opinions expressed in the Interludes do not reflect those of the Author, Editor or Story. The opinions are the sole property of the characters.

Alex: I think what the Author is saying is "Please don't hurt me because they're assholes."

Kyle: More like he's pulling an Ash and going "I never even saw these assholes before."

Xander: Sounds about right. But we all love the people on the XanderZone, don't we?

Group A Nod And Smile, With The Exceptions Of Spike And The Unconscious Andrew

Xander: Well, except the idiots who feedback this pile of shit.

Spike: You all just love to kiss ass.

Kyle: It's all about safety.

Tess: So, think they bought it?

Alex: Shhh, we might still be in an Interlude.

Tess: Oh, sorry.

Xander: Ah, let's hope Spike offended enough readers that no one feedbacks. I know. Hey, Spike's opinions ARE indic.. indac.. fuck it, Spike is echoing the Author's opinions. Go hurt him.

AUTHOR: Xander, you're going to suffer now.

Xander: Will not, they won't let you.

AUTHOR: Oh, a challenge. This is going to be fun. For me.

Maniacal AUTHOR Laughter Floods The Room

Tess: You idiot, he might take it out on all of us.

Alex: Oh, he will.

Kyle: Man, he's going to try and get worse isn't he?

Alex: Yeah. But we do still have an option to get us out of this.

Spike: Well damn, little pillocks couldn't have mentioned this earlier?

Xander: Yeah, I want out of here.

Tess: Same here, what are you two hiding.

Kyle And Alex Share A Look

Kyle: It's something we did in the last badfic. But things aren't bad enough for us to go for it now.

Alex: Definitely not.

Xander: Tell us, come on.

Spike: Don't make me hurt you, wait, do make me hurt you.

Alex: Won't matter, it's not bad enough for it yet.

Kyle: But it will be soon enough.

Dramatic Music Plays And Lights Fade Out

Xander: Hey, what happened to the lights.

AUTHOR: Oh, sorry.

End First Interlude.

Part Two
Demon Law Firm, Truth In Advertising

The road from Oxnard to LA was now littered with squished rabbits.

Story: Is that really necessary?
Author: Yes, now shut up and be descriptive.
Story: I'll give you descriptive, I'll descriptive a foot right up your ass.
Author: Save your kinks for later hon.
Story: Argh!

Xander pulled up near the demonic law firm, with Kyle in the passenger seat. Xander asked Kyle if he wouldn't mind watching the Dodge Durango for him while he went inside. Xander didn't think anything about leaving a hitchhiker in his new Durango with the keys to it. It was because Xander instantly trusted Kyle in a way that could only happen in a bad fanfic.

As Xander was walking toward the building, a pretty lady passed him by wearing a lovely red dress, he turned his head to watch her for a moment, and when he turned around Agent Smith had a gun in his face and shot him dead…

Editor: Holy shit, dude.
Story: No.
Author: Come on you two, it's abrupt and funny.
Story: It's not funny, you can't kill Xander.
Author: Can too. I just have to bring him back to life.
Story: Fine. But you're not killing him now.
Author: But he was fucking with me in an Interlude.
Story: I don't care, I'm not having The Matrix in me, so undo it from the story.
Author: Oh fine, why do I have to write a blasted female story anyway.
Editor: Your story is female, and it objects to having things in it. Why does this sound like your love life?
Author: If that ain't the pot calling the kettle horny.
Editor: Black.
Author: Why you gotta make it a racial thing?
Editor: I give up. Just keep going.
Author: Funny, your momma said that last night.
Story: Men. Hrmph!

As Xander was walking toward the building, a pretty lady passed him by wearing a lovely red dress, he turned his head to watch her for a moment, with his eye looking backwards he didn't see the parking meter that jumped in front of him and violently attacked his crotch.

This vicious penile attack resulted in Xander curling into the fetal position, vomiting, holding his testicles and crying like a little girl. It was a lot like how Dubbya would have behaved had his brother not fixed the Florida election results.

Editor: I think you just described Xander from…
Author: NO! No specific fics!
Editor: Wait, you've still got -- dammit, turn of the goddamn recorder!
Story: Someone please save me from these idiots.
Editor: Idiots: of which there will be a new piece relatively soon (shameless plug)

Xander finally gained some control and gingerly stood up. As he neared the doors of the law firm an elderly woman holding a Chihuahua was trying to cross the road. Xander, being the White Knight that everyone and their brother writes about, offered the lady his arm. The old lady took it and they crossed the street. As they neared the other sidewalk Xander tripped because of a plot hole. Trying to regain his balance, he grabbed on to the only thing he could. The old lady. But specifically, he grabbed the old lady's tits to stop his fall. He managed not to hit the ground, but when he stood, the old lady hit him in the head with her cane, then again nailed him in the crotch with it calling him a detestable little pervert. She then let her Chihuahua loose, he promptly bit Xander's arms and crotch, then raised it's leg and urinated on Xander's abused crotch.

Story: Aren't you going overboard?
Author: Nemo me impune lacessit.
Story: Huh?
Editor: "No one provokes you with impunity"?
Author: Exactly.
Editor: I provoke you all the time.
Author: And look where you are now.
Editor: Point taken. And hey, what's with the White Knight crack?
Author: Come on, it's been done to death. The horse has been beaten beyond death and is now talcum. Sure, you put an original spin on it and wrote well, but it's still not the most original idea out there.
Editor: Yeah well... your mom!
Author: Hey, I'm not that Southern.

The abused, de-balled and urine smelling Xander entered the law offices of Wolfram & Heart. He was instantly greeted by a guard who was going to throw him out, but the dog urine smell overpowered him so he let Xander go to the elevator. He got in the elevator and got off on the twentieth floor. Ignoring the disgusted looks of those around him in the elevator, he tucked his dick back in his pants, glad it still worked, and waited to get up to the thirty-seventh floor.

Editor: Thirty-seven?!?
Author: He freaks about thirty-seven, but makes no comment about masturbating in a crowded elevator.
Editor: Well, my cousin Walter was on a plane once...
Author: That's from Clerks, you idiot
Editor: Well so's thirty-seven
Author: You're ruining the surprise of the next paragraph.
Editor: So sue me. Or better yet, don't make me edit this shit anymore
Author: Sorry, you bound your soul to me. Remember? All it took was some pictures of Eliza Dushku in a bikini and a vidclip from "The New Guy".
Editor: *sigh* Dammit. Okay, fine. Just... keep going then.
Story: If you two keep this up, this will never end.
Author & Editor: Well Sorrrrrry.
Editor: Think your Story's on the rag?
Author: Hrm, that'd explain a lot.
Author & Editor: Shit.
Author: Time for the story?
Editor: I think that'd be best.
Author: Good, and I can tell you about the time my rabbit nemesis dipped all her "female products" in jalapeno extract.

The door to the thirty-seventh floor opened up, it turned out to be a convenient store within W&H. Deciding he could use some Twinkies, Xan went in and browsed, noticing the sign about please telling them if you're shop-lifting. It was a moment later that the urge to pee came over Xan, so going to the back where the bathroom was he opened it up only to find Buffy having sex with a motionless man who looked like his dead father.

Editor: His dad's dead? Since when?
Author: To make this story work better.
Editor: Fucking retcon...
Story: Dammit. You, write the fucking fic. You, edit the fucking fic. Goddamn cocksucking humans.
Author: Yeah, she's on the rag.
Editor: No Comment.

"Buffy! Aren't you supposed to be in Oxnard, at the orgy, where I left you a few hours ago, of which you couldn't have gotten here before me by any natural way?" Xander asked, as Buffy kept gyrating on his father's corpse. Suddenly his attraction to Buffy clicked, it's because of how much she reminded him of his mother.

"Yeah, I was. But I decided I could use a little dick and yours' wasn't there…"

"Hey, mine isn't little," Xander said defensively.

"Whatever. Anyway, Willow zapped me here so I could dry hump Angel a bit, gotta watch out for that soul. Anyway, I got lost and found this guy here, and he was nice and stiff and I thought to myself, which believe me is rare, why let a good stiff one go to waste and, now here you are and here I am," Buffy said, continuing to move.

"But, but that's my father."

"Oh, he's good. Your mom must have been happy."

"That's beside the point really…"

"Hey, when did he die, I thought he was alive?"

"Oh, he died years ago, mom just had him so tight by the balls that she could make his body animate when she needed him out in public. Good old mom, really scary bitch."

"That's great, but would mind leaving me alone, when I'm done there are others who want to have a go," Buffy said, motioning to a line of women.

"God, women, and people think men are fucked up," Xan said. He then went to the women's bathroom to relieve himself, finding it a plush and happy place that disturbed him. Once he relieved himself he came out, yes, he was gay. Oh, wait, wrong came out. He came out of the bathroom stall to find Harmony looking in a mirror, seeing nothing, and doing her make-up. She saw him and licked her lips, gyrated her hips and…

Story: Hey, none of that, just because you want to hump Harmony.
Author: I don't want to hump her. Well, not technically, I'm sure there are names for what I'd like to do. I mean, if ever there was a vampiress out there that I wouldn't mind giving a couple of pints to…
Editor: I don't want to know what bodily fluids the pints would be made of.
Author: Hey, you said it, not me.

Xander, not noticing that she had noticed him tried to sneak out unnoticed. As such, he didn't notice when Harmony's gyrating stopped and two silver Ben-Wa balls fell from under her skirt and rolled toward him. Had he noticed, he wouldn't have slipped and fell on his ass, cracking his head on the floor and knocking himself unconscious.

Editor: Hey, you stole that from "100 Girls".
Author: Katherine Heigl jiggly.
Editor: Yeah, that was in the movie, but you stole that idea from…
Author: Katherine Heigl jiggly.
Editor: Yes, I know, whatever, but that's a copy of the scene from…
Author: Katherine Heigl jiggly.
Story: Give it up, whenever he hears someone mention that movie he zones out. And drools. Do you see the drool?

Xander woke up to find three vampires looking down at him. Harmony he spotted first. Well, Harmony's cleavage he spotted first, then he found the face that went with it, then found the cleavage again. Next he saw Angel, shuddered, then found the cleavage again. His eyes moved again, seeing Spike, shuddered again, then refocused on Harmony's cleavage with a happy smile.

"I think you broke him," Spike said, poking Xander with a finger.

"I didn't mean to, I mean, what was he doing in the women's bathroom anyway? The pervert. I don't care how well he's hu…" Stopping to look at Xan's body closely. "Nevermind that part. I bet the perv was in there spying on us women."

"He might be here for an important reason. Did his lack of an eye 'cause him to fall? What happened?"

"Um, he just, slipped. I think he slipped on his own, you know," Harmony said, not letting people know about her little buddies or why she really swayed her hips so when she walked.

"Oh that's hilarious, the Whelp slips on his spunk and cracks his noggin'! Bloody priceless," Spike said, clearly enjoying this too much.

"That's not what happened," Xan said waking up. "I don't know what did happen, but it wasn't that. And anyway, not here for an important reason I'm here for… for… Don't really know why I'm here actually. I think I'll leave then."

"Wait, you two go, I want to talk to Xander a second," Angel said, kicking the other vamps out. Literally. Both the blondes liked it a little rough.

"Oh great, what do you want?"

"I want you to take Spike with you when you go, he's really been biting my ass lately," Angel said with a grimace.

"Hey, what you two do in the privacy of the bedroom is none of my concern."

"I mean, a little lick, a playful slap? Those are okay, even a nibble, but he's really been biting…"

"Gosh, I love vampires," Xander sarcasted.

"It was cute the first couple of times, but now I can't even sit down and it's really leaving a mark…" "Hey, crossing the line, too much information, please stop, for the love of all that is holy, stop," Xan begged.

"Oh, okay. Anyway, if you'll take him with you I'll get your eye restored, you a superpower and something else. What do you say?"

"Man, no amount of bribery is going to get me to accept Spike going with me. Man, this just reminds me how right I was to lie to Buffy to have her send your undead evil alter-ego to hell. The souled you ain't much better," Xander said.

Unfortunately for Xander, a Bad Timing Plot Device ™ had been put into motion, that had made Buffy finish with the dead guy and get to Angel's office just in time to hear Xander admit to The Lie ™.

Needless to say that Little-Miss-Bottle-Blonde did not react well. When Xan finally woke back up, he felt a horrible pain in his crotch. Looking down, at his body, from where he lay, Xander found he no longer had a crotch. It seems that when Buffy beat the shit out of him, she also ripped his dick and balls off. They were laying on a tray a few feet away.

Editor: Oh, Jesus Christ...
Author: What?
Editor: You only did that so Spike would go along!
Author: Yeah, so?
Editor Smacks His Forehead Against A Wall

When Xander's truly girly scream stopped, Angel appeared next to him looking a little ill. "Well Xander, let me make my offer again. If you'll take Spike I'll have your eye restored, give you a superpower and have then reattached your twig and giggle berries. Oh, and heal the rest of you up. It's that or life as a eunuch."

"Fine, I accept, I'll take Spike. I don't want to be a eunuch like you."

"Dammit, why does everyone think I'm a eunuch? I'm all man baby!"


"Same difference. Okay, people fix him," Angel said. It was the last thing Xan heard before blackness enveloped him.

When Xander reawakened, he felt a strange tingly feeling in his crotch. He tried to figure out what it was, but then remembered what Uncle Michael had told him about that when he had visited Neverland Ranch.

Story: Oh god, that's just, that's not funny!
Author: Sure it is. Am I right Editor?
Editor: No.
Author: But you laughed.
Editor: Because I was too horrified to run away.
Author: Huh. Wonder if that's what my dates do...
Editor: Seems likely...

Anyway, Xander check and he was all there and seemed to be working fine, though he wondered about how the two different shades of lipstick had gotten on his dick. Deciding it was probably something enjoyable and not to worry about, he shrugged and went to meet with Angel, noticing he now had both working eyes, was fully healed.

"Hey, what's my superpower?" Xan asked, by way of greeting.

"No clue, we just tossed the superpower mojo juice on you. It'll give you one before long. Anyway, you'll take Spike?" Angel asked.

"Yeah, said I would. How'd you convince him to go with me anyway?"

"I told him if he didn't then I'd stinkpalm him then call Buffy up and tell her he's alive and wants to see her."

"A stinkpalm?" Xander asked

"Yeah, those are nasty, and with a vampire's sense of smell? It's pure hell. I got one once and it took two years before I couldn't smell it," Angel said with a sick look.

"Ah, gotcha. Well, if that's all, I guess I'll get him and go."

"Oh, one last thing. I was reading your file, and it's about your father."

"Hey, it's not my fault Buffy was fucking his corpse," Xander defended suddenly.

"She was what? That's just… Oh hell, anyway. The dad you grew up knowing as your dad wasn't your dad. Your dad is someone else," Angel said finally.


"Oh god no, if you were my kid I'd not have given a shit if you want to hell. Anyway, we have no clue who he is."

"Well how am I to find out then?" Xander asked.

"You could ask your mom?"

Editor: Wait wait wait.
Author: What?
Editor: When did this become another 'Xander's real dad' story?
Author: Stop complaining and just go with it.

"Oh hell no. Any clues? Or should I just go around asking guys who are old enough to be if they are?" Xander asked sarcastically.

"Hrm, I got an idea. Wait here," Angel said. A moment later he returned with a green skinned demon who, Xander noted with a sick feeling in his stomach, was wearing a familiar shade of lipstick. "This is Lorne. If you sing for him, he might be able to help you out on where to find your dad."

"I don't know, I mean…" Xan started but was interrupted by Lorne.

"Oh come on sweetums, let's see what that perty mouth can do. Should I grab an organ and play with it for you?" Lorne asked with a wink.

"No no, you've played with my organ enough I think. Okay, I'll sing," With a clearing of his throat, Xander sang his most favoritest song evah. Like 4 sure. But, like, totally starting, like, past the beginning. Fer sure.

"He was a skater boy
she said see ya later boy
he wasn't good enough for her
But now he's a superstar
Slamming on his guitar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth

Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck that boys mine now
We are more than just good friends
this is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see
See the man that boy could be
There is more than meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside

He's just a boy
and I'm just a girl
Can I make it anymore obvious
We are in love haven't you heard
How we rock each others world"

"Oh my, I haven't heard a rendition so lovely since the little punk princess herself came by to sell her soul. Excellent singing voice, you hit all her notes," Lorne said, praising Xander vocally and appraising him with his eyes.

"Um, any clues on where I can find my dad?"

"Oh sure sweetie, you'll find him on this trip you're taking. You'll just run across him."

"You sure?"

"If Lorne says it, I'd believe it," Angel said.

"Okay then. Well, I'll get Spike and we'll leave."

Xander went out into the hall and, with a sigh of relief, a bit smile and a stirring of happiness in his crotch, he laid eyes on the blonde.

Editor: I swear to god, if the blonde is Spike I'm going to shoot you.
Author: As tempting as it is to mess with you... Read on.

The blonde Harmony, that is. Who wore the same shade lipstick that matched the other color he'd found. It was a great relief. He'd have to remember to visit her again sometime. "Come on Spike," Xan said, heading to the elevator.

"Fine Whelp, but I'm going under protestation."

"Like I care. Wait, it's daylight, you'll dust in my Durango, this is good."

"'Fraid not Droopy. While you were out of it Peaches had them bring your SUV and the guy in it inside and fitted in some nice necrotinted glass. Nice of the poofter."

"I think it's payback for all the times I called him Deadboy. Oh well, let's go."

"We're going."

Fifteen minutes and an introduction later, Xander, Kyle and Spike were on the road again.

Elsewhere, Tess was just waking the unconscious Andrew up as they neared the LA city limits.