Gave Up

Author: Alex DarkFire <eternitynchaos[at]>

<Warning, I'm letting my Id out to play, he's not a happy person so don't expect happy things from him ^_^>

Warning Fairly Dark

Ficlet/Songfic/Mad ravings ahead.

Summary: Xander is sitting in thought after the fall of Sunnydale, finds some things out and comes to some conclusions about himself, the group and one particular person.

Chapter 1

Xander at this moment was Drunk, capital D drunk. Something his father and mother would have understood, the sort of drunk were you have travelled up the Alcoholic Mountain and are coming down the sober side. So while he had a higher alcohol level then most spirits he was none the less coherent as he lay against a rock at the edge of the sink hole Jack in one hand and Jim beside him music blearing away and the cooling corpse of the woman he loved.

(Perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most)

He thought back on what had happened, on the lies and the hurt and everything else.

(Forgot how it feels well almost)

He remembered sneaking away from everyone as they packed the bus to leave.

(No one to blame always the same)

He remembered being so angry at Andrew, and not being sure why, just knowing somehow that he had to get away and think about it, think about everything what had been, what could have been, and maybe what would have come to be.

(Open my eyes wake up in flames)

He remembered walking to where he now was, with supplies in hand ready to mourn.

(It took you to make me realize)

He remembered the gut wrenching pain of loose and hopelessness.

(It took you to make me realize)

He remembered the shock that had flowed through him.

(It took you to make me realize)

He remembered what it felt like to have the broken form of HIS Anya appear in his arms in a flash of light, still alive, still fighting.

(It took you to make me see the light)

He remembered her staring into his eyes before she thrust something into his hands and in her last breath gasped, "See, Remember." Before dieing as memories flowed from whatever was in his hand into his head.


(Smashed up my sanity)

He watched.

(Smashed up my integrity)

He watched as Andrew and Anya ran.

(Smashed up what i believed in)

He watched as Anya tripped and feel, her ankle twisted at an unnatural angle.

(Smashed up what's left of me)

He watched as Anya called for help.

(Smashed up my everything)

He watched as Andrew didn't even turn around, didn't even pause for a second, just ran all the faster as the demons and vampires grew closer.

(Smashed up all that was true)

He watched as the demons feel on Anya, and Andrew not even turning.

(Gonna smash myself to pieces)

He watched as light flared from Anya incinerating the Demons and Vampires.

(I don't know what else to do)

He watched her vanish and appear in another place, before D'Hoffryn who offered to help her once again, to turn her into what she once was, and to punish all who had caused her pain.

He tried to cry out and stop her as she shook her head; he half listened to what she asked instead.

And the world went dark.


He felt an offer, and accepted before thinking.

(Covered in hope and Vaseline)

Power flowed into him, changed him, burned him and held him close.

(Still cannot fix this broken machine)

He felt Anya kiss his cheek and say goodbye as she faded into the after life, leaving a gift behind.

(Watching the hole it used to be mine)

His eyes opened and he looked out across what once was his home.

(Just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline)

Where he loved and lost, and began to love again only to loose once more what he held dear.

(Of the trust I will betray)

He heard Dawn calling, saying they had been looking for him so they could leave.

(Give it to me I throw it away)

He picked himself gently lifted Anya's corpse up, which caused Dawn to gasp in surprise.

(After everything I've done I hate myself for what I've become)

And laughed. Saying that more likely she was the only one who noticed he was even gone and refused to leave without him.

He grinned at her guilty look and started walking, Anya cradled in his now glove covered hands.

(I tried)

As they walked off, he smiled to himself and his eyes flashed black for a second.

(I gave up)

"Don't worry Ahn." He whispered to himself. "I'll make him pay, no more White Knight now, just Grey."

(Throw it away)


Heh, Yeah like I said My Id came out to play ^_^;; hope you enjoyed it, maybe I'll do something as a follow up on this in the future, who knows. and If this is to Dark for the list, err ops my bad ^_^;;

The End