<Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by>
Willow stood at the window of her room, watching the early morning sun rise. The reds and gold hit her eyes and made her blink sharply, but still she didn't look away. She felt stupid as she stood there, just waiting, hoping to catch a glimpse of him as he left town. He had told them he was leaving, but wouldn't say when. He didn't want to say goodbye to them. But she knew. She knew he just didn't want to say goodbye to her. The thoughts of him were all that kept her from breaking sometimes. After all that she had seen, been through, he had been the one constant in her life. The one thing she clung to that made sense in her life. Still, she didn't know why she was here. It wasn't like he was going forever. He had promised to be back in the fall, but this just felt so final. If she couldn't do it in person, she would say it to herself. She had to say goodbye.
<I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting
All over again
The last three years were just pretend>
Xander put the last bag into the trunk of the car and closed it, locking it straight after. He looked at his house one more time as he stood against the beaten up car he had barely managed to buy with his sparse savings. To his surprise, uncle Rory had offered him a loan, but he'd refused on the basis that it would mean having to actually pay it back some day. The sun shone on his back, warming it through the sweater he was wearing, and he thought back to Graduation. Although the fight that they had faced that day was their biggest to date, it wasn't that which had been giving him nightmares. It was her. His best friend. He had guessed that it had happened between them, and not that long ago. She was still in the 'glowy' stage, and to the common observer it would seem there was no difference in her. But he was no casual observer. He knew her better than anyone else, and that's how he knew that it was time. Time to say goodbye.
<And I said
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to>
Willow thought back to the night when Angel had been shot with the poison arrow. The night when she and Oz had made love for the first time. When it was happening, she had been so sure that it was what she had wanted. She was so sure about Oz being the one for her... Until she saw Xander again.
<I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live
A day without you
Closing my eyes
You chase the thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right>
She hadn't even realized she had closed her eyes until she opened them again, and winced at the now-bright yellow sun in her face. She knew that he would come past here on his way out of town. She knew him better than she knew herself, and knew that, although it was out of his way, he would drive past. She knew because it was the same thing she would do if it was the other way around. There was too much between them to not put an end to this year. When he came back, everything would be different. Even though things had been strained between them ever since they had been caught in the basement of the factory, she had at least known he was around. Now he was going god-knows-where, and for the first time in their lives, he wouldn't be the last person she spoke to on the telephone before she went to sleep at night. Before she knew it, a tear ran down her cheek and she caught it with the back of her hand. Why did things have to be so complicated?
<Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And it hurts to want everything
And nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I
Want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time>
As he got into the car, Xander thought about staying. He thought about taking all of his bags back inside, and then going to her house and telling her that he couldn't do it. That he couldn't leave her. In his mind, he imagined that she'd be so happy that she would smile at him and then she'd say the words he only heard in his dreams. But he knew it wouldn't happen. It couldn't. Not now, after everything that had happened. She had Oz, and she was happy with him. What had happened between them was just a big, huge mistake in her mind, and she wanted to forget it as soon as possible. That look in her eyes when Oz and Cordelia had found them told him everything he didn't want to know. He had spent the past few months of his life in a daze, in his own world. Now it was time to straighten out his life, and the only way he was going to do that was to get over her. So, he put the key into the ignition and turned it, putting the car into drive and taking the parking brake off, the vehicle moved slowly down the street.
<Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to>
The car came into view as it rounded the corner of her street. She hadn't seen the car he had bought, but she knew it was his. Her breath caught in her chest as it stopped a few feet away from her house. She inwardly cursed herself for putting herself through this. For being here, at her window, at such an ungodly hour, in the vain hope she was going to see the first man she had ever loved leave town. It suddenly occurred to her that this may seem insane. She stayed hidden behind the drapes as he got out and stood in the open door, looking at the house over the roof of the car. She watched as he smiled to himself, and imagined what he was thinking about. There was so much that could be going through his mind right now, and she found herself smiling. She tried to think back to a time when she hadn't known him, but found it was impossible. She turned back and looked around her room, searching for something, anything, that told her there had been a time in her life when he hadn't been around, but she couldn't. It was then that she made her mind up.
<Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to>
Xander watched the house for a good few minutes, although he wasn't even sure why. Then he realized it. He had come to say goodbye, not only to her, but to his past. He couldn't keep dwelling on it like he had been doing. He also knew that if he didn't get away now, he would never move on with his life. He had had to say goodbye to his childhood when Buffy had come into their lives three years ago, and he hadn't known it at the time. He decided to leave, before the urge to go to the door outside her room became too strong. He got back into the car, and put his head to the steering wheel in frustration and the knowledge that he had lost her. He slid the key back into the ignition and turned it again as he put the car into drive and reached for the parking brake. He checked his mirrors, and turned the steering wheel - only to be stopped by the figure in front of his car. He started as he saw her in front of him, out of breath and half dressed, wearing only a pair of jeans and the camisole vest top of her pajama's.
Willow stood in front of the car, her hands on the hood of the car as the engine stopped.
Xander blinked a few times, trying to decipher whether or not she was real or if his brain really was playing tricks on him. After a few moments, it was obvious she was, and slowly got out of the car. "What are you doing, Willow? You should be asleep at this time of the morning."
"Well, you know, I was going for a jog."
"You don't jog."
"Maybe I was thinking about taking it up."
"Maybe. So, what are you really doing here?"
"I think I should be asking you that question. You're parked outside of my house."
Xander looked around him, almost surprised. "Oh, right, I am. Did the car wake you? I know it's loud, but I didn't know--"
"The car didn't wake me. I was already awake."
"Why?"
"I couldn't sleep."
"How come?"
"Well," she turned around so she was perched on the car hood and crossed her arms across her chest. "There's almost being eaten by a giant demon Mayor snake and then blowing up the school, there's starting a brand new school in a couple of months..."
"You'll be fine, Will." Xander said as he copied her stance. "You're, like, Book Girl. College is going to be just one, long book party. Hey, and at least you won't have to spend all your spare time tutoring me."
"That's a plus."
"Exactly. So, anything else...?"
"Well, then there's my best friend in the whole world who's leaving today and wasn't even going to say goodbye."
"Don't worry about that guy. He's just a big loser who's never gonna amount to anything."
"No, he's not. He's best guy in the world."
"No, I'm pretty sure the best guy's your boyfriend."
Willow moved so she was stood in front of him, inches away. "What boyfriend?"
Xander looked up at her. "Excuse me?"
"I don't have a boyfriend. Oz and I broke up."
"You...broke...up...?" he said slowly.
"Yeah, we did."
"But...I know this is none of my business, but how come? What happened?"
"Things just weren't going to work out. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, Xander."
"I'm sorry," he said sympathetically. "Wait a minute, you broke up with him?"
"Once I explained my reasons, he said he understood. He didn't want to be with someone who doesn't love him."
"You don't love him?"
"Not like I should."
"But after everything that happened between us...you wanted him back."
"I know I did. I felt like I owed it to him. See, when I was in that coma last year, I heard someone say they loved me."
Xander put his head down.
"I don't know if it's medically possible, but I think that's what brought me back. I felt like I couldn't leave someone who loved me that much."
"So what happened?"
"I realized it wasn't Oz who said it."
"So who was it?"
She glared at him. "It was you."
"What? I don't know what you're..." he looked up at her and saw the resolve face. "Okay, it was me."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I just...couldn't. When you thought it was Oz, you were happy...I couldn't take that away from you."
"And now?"
"What about now?"
"How do you feel now?"
"Will, I can't get into this." He said as he stood upright and headed back for the car door.
Willow was quicker and made it to the door before him and stood in front of it. "Well, you're going to have to, Xander. I can't keep dancing around this. I need to know how you feel about me."
"You're my best friend..." he said quietly.
"'Best friend'...?"
"And if I tell you how I feel about you right now, you may not want to be my friend. And I don't think I could handle that."
"Try me."
He looked her in the eyes and reached out to touch her cheek. He stepped forward so they were inches apart. "I love you..."
She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck tightly. "I love you, too..." she pulled out of his embrace long enough to attach her lips to his in a slow, gentle kiss which filled them both with feelings neither had experienced before.
As they parted, Xander smiled at her. "That was...wow."
"I know," she said with a small giggle.
"Well, I guess I should go home and unpack, huh?"
"Why?"
"I'm not gonna leave now. I can't leave you."
"So don't leave me."
"What?"
She took his hand and led him around to the other side of the car, revealing a duffel bag stuffed full of clothes.
"How did you...? You really want to come with me?"
"I know that you need to do this. I don't want to be the reason you stay."
"And you'd come with me?"
"I'd do anything for you. When I saw you out here, I tried to think of a memory, a time in my life without you in it. And I couldn't. I thought that was a bad thing. But now I know that I don't want to. When I'm old and grey and I look back on my life, the only thing I want to remember is you. You're the only thing I can think about and it's driving me crazy."
He pulled her close to him, and inhaled the scent of her. "Tell me about it."
Willow broke the embrace and picked up the bag. She opened the car door and threw it on to the back seat.
"Your parents are going to kill me." He said as he made his way to his side of the car.
"Nah, they won't. My father's been trying to organize our wedding since kindergarten. Trust me, they'll be fine. Anyway, I don't care about what they think." She said as she got in the car and strapped on her seatbelt.
Xander got in his side and put the key in the ignition.
"All that matters is us."
Xander grinned widely as he reached over and kissed her as he turned the key in his hand. The engine turned over, but didn't start. "It's a little temperamental." He explained to her.
"Aha."
He tried again to no avail. "Come on, you piece of crap..."
The engine roared into life and Willow laughed to herself. "This is going to be a very interesting couple of months."
<And when the stars fall I will lie awake You're my shooting star>