I Do

Author: Drake Tepes <daemondrake[at]charter.net>

Okay people, all I ask if that you read *before* you flame my ass... 'Cause I'll tell you this now... That A up there that Xan is paired with? It ain't Anya...

Rating: PG-13 to be safe.

Category: Comedy and crossover.

Disclaimer: I own nothin', and that's sad really.

Spoilers: This is a few years post S7 really. Xan still has both eyes, but Anya, sadly, is still dead.

Summary: A very special wedding in San Francisco...

Distribution: XZ, anyone else ask first.

Author's Notes: This is what happens when Author's are not properly medicated. This sucks, yeah... but it gave me a chuckle and I figure there might be some on the list just as crazy.

Chapter 1

Xander stood up on the altar and tried not to fidget in his tuxedo. The wedding had begun and he had no clue how to handle this. Because there he stood, next to none other than Andrew.

He could feel everyone looking at him, wondering how he got here. He could feel some judging him, and his mind cast a nasty little curse at them. No one here should judge, this was a happy day.

The minister has mentioned the rings and Xander stumbles, embarrassed. Okay, now the ring things are going on. Cute little Lord Of The Rings style men's wedding bands. Both of them.

'Okay, stop looking at me,' Xander thought violently as it felt like all eyes were on him. He knew they weren't, but still. And the damn tux was getting warm.

His eyes glaze over a bit, but his ears catch the words and he refocuses to watch.

"Do you, Andrew Wells, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, to honor above all others for as long as you both shall live?" The minister says.

There's a quiet hush as a nervous and sweaty Andrew stutters, nods, then finally says. "I do."

Xander let out a small sigh here, it was going to happen. The scariest part was over for him.

"And do you, Dawson Leery, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, to honor above all others for as long as you both shall live?"

The blonde man smiled and said confidently, "I do."

"Then by the power granted to me by the great city of San Francisco, I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss your husband," The minister said smiling, as he watched the couple move in and kiss with more passion than the infamous kisses of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie, and Al and Tipper Gore combined.


"We'd like to propose a toast to the lovely newlyweds," Xander said standing next to Dawson's best man, Pacey Whitter.

"Yes, I think I'd always known that our dear Dawson was gay… He got along too well with my brother… But now it's not only confirmed and out there, but he's happily married. I'm thrilled for him because now I don't have to worry about him coming after Joey… Ow, just kidding honey," Pacey said, rubbing his side where one Josephine Potter-Whitter had just hit him.

"Just ignore him folks, we all do," Xander said grinning. "I've known Andrew for a few years, and believe me I know it takes a special kind of person to put up with him without killing him. To know him is to love him… or try and kill him. Repeatedly and often unsuccessfully. Luckily, I learned to love him like an extremely annoying little brother. So I'm happy to see him find someone that makes him happy," Xander said smiling at the couple before Pacey again raised his voice.

"And this union isn't just for love, look for more movies from there. I'm sure we'll be seeing more installments of 'The X: Protector Of Man' in the future. But where these two came up with the idea of centering a show around a normal hero-guy among super-powered ones I'll never know. But it works. So, here's to franchising and the happy couple!" Pacey said, raising his glass and deftly avoiding the attempt to hit him from his wife.


"They're being sickeningly sweet again. It's your turn to go stop them," Xander said to Pacey as they stood near the drinks and watched the wedding party.

"I thought it was your turn. Or are you just wanting me to go so Dawson's personal assistant can try and assist you some more?" Pacey laughed at the horrified look on Xander's face.

"That guy just can't take the hint. Man, where is she, I need her here to fend the guys off. Just because I was best man they think I'm gay. Nothing wrong with that except, you know, my not being gay. And having a girlfriend."

"I know that, you know that but to them?" Pacey gestured to a few men who were casting looks at Xander. "To them, she's a beard."

"If she's a beard, I never want to shave." Xander paused a moment. "Somehow, that sounds off, but I can't figure out how."

"Don't look at me, I got nothin'. You want smarts, go talk to Joey."

"I wish I was," Xander moved to avoid the shot aimed as his arm. "So, she and Dawson used to date?"

"Yeah. A surprising number of her ex-boyfriends turn out to be gay. It's got me a little worried," Pacey grinned.

"Then my advice to you, don't become her ex."

"Good advice. I still can't believe I ended up with her."

"Well, let's toast us. To us having the good sense to keep the women we love," Xander said raising his glass.

"And here's to them having the bad sense to love us back." Pacey clinked the glasses together and they both drank.

"What, drinking without me?" Xander's date said, moving up next to him.

"See what happens when you leave me alone? This one corrupts me," Xander said as he put his arm around his date and motioned at Pacey.

"Hey, I didn't corrupt him. He's the one who suggested we take Andrew and Dawson to strip clubs for their bachelor's party."

"What? I hadn't heard about this. You went and ogled a bunch of mostly nude men without me?"

"No, it wasn't like that it was…"

"Yeah, we found a nice strip club that had both sexes dancing. It was a joy for everyone," Pacey said with a malicious grin at Xander.

"Hey, why wasn't I told about this? I would have liked that."

Xander looked around desperately for an answer, his eyes finally settling on Pacey pleadingly.

"Oh, gotta go. It's my turn to break up the newlyweds before they make a scene. And then I have to go tell Joey about the strip clubs last night before you get a chance to." And with that, Pacey headed out fast leaving Xander alone with his date.

"Audrey, it was a guy thing. Or was supposed to be, I mean… Have I told you how beautiful you look in that dress? It really brings out your eyes," Xander desperately said.

"Nice try. Only because this is a wedding will I cut you some slack. But later we're having a talk, I wanted to see some nice dancing half naked men," Audrey said as she leaned her head on Xander.

"Well… Did I ever tell you about the summer I worked in 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club'? If you want to see a stripper…" Xander trailed off, smiling at Audrey.

"Definitely, will you be wearing the tool belt and hardhat?" Audrey grinned.

"Sure if… Wait, how did you know what I used to wear?"

"Do you remember a night when a girl grabbed your g-string while trying to stuff a hundred in it, and accidentally exposed you to everyone?"

Xander gulped, "You were there that night?"

"Honey, I'm the one who was stuffing the money. I recognized you when Andrew and Dawson had you visit them in Capeside. Why do you think I moved in on you so fast? I'd seen a sneak preview then and I wanted to get the feature presentation," Audrey said with an almost feral grin.

"Well, that certainly makes sense. I'll be sure to get together a recreation of my old outfit, just for you," Xander said.

"Better be just for me. And do I need to go beat down Dawson's PA? He keeps checking you out." Audrey cast the man in question a glare, which was enough to get him to step back and stop staring so obviously.

"Don't worry about it, let's just make it through this without anyone trying to pick us up."

"A little late, this girl hit on me in the bathroom. She was a cute little thing too," Audrey said as she rubbed against Xander a little.

"Too bad you're taken then?" Xander grinned, rubbing right back and making note to not to go far enough to earn a warning from Pacey.

"Well, I told her I was with a guy. But if she were into threesomes… I gave her our number, she'll call us."

"You, my dear, are amazing," Xander said as he leaned in and kissed his girlfriend's neck.

"Xander, there you are!" A voice said from behind. "I got stuck in traffic and missed most of the wedding and, oh, is this your girlfriend? Do I finally get to meet her?"

Xander broke out into a smile and let out a loud, "Willow!" and opened his arm to hug her. However, before Willow moved to get a hug she stopped dead and turned very red. Which made Xander pause and look at Audrey who had a big smile on her face.

"So this is Willow who I've heard so much about? Wow… Oh, and Xander, she's who I was just telling you about." With that, Audrey went and gave the still furiously blushing Willow a hug, and what Xander swore was a grope.

Moving before Willow could begin babbling, Xander enfolded Willow in a hug then stepped back as her coloring returned to normal. "I have the feeling I'm a dead man," he said to the girls as he saw the look Audrey was giving Willow and himself. The devious grin as she put an arm around Willow and led her off, the last thing he heard was Audrey saying that she was sure they could work out some kind of arrangement.

It was here that Pacey came back over, looking a little worse for wear from having told his wife about the strip clubs, to see the frightened look on Xander's face and where he was looking. "Don't tell me an ex has met your current?"

"My ex is Willow, not really an ex, but is an ex and my lifelong best friend."

"Willow, wait, Willow as in lesbian Willow?"

"Yup. They'd never met before, and it seems that Willow had hit on Audrey in the bathroom, and Audrey said only as a threesome and Willow took our number to give us a call. I really really think I'm a dead man." Xander said, a confused look on his face.

"Very true, but I have the feeling you're going to die very happy." Pacey said grinning.

The End