I Fear No Man

Author: Jujumaster <ironskul[at]netmcr.com>

In partial response to Kyle's request over in the J-verse, here is a story that has some of the background to Excalibur.

Disclaimer: is at the bottom of the page

Summary: Xander receives some answers about Anya's past. And there's a guest visit by one of the Rune weapons from the Journeyverse.

Notes: This is set in season six

Rated: G

England circa 932 AD

Excalibur, the fabled sword of King Arthur, Led the valiant King to many victories by teaching him a way of life that was far older than Arthur could understand. But all stories must have a grand beginning and this is his tale. Having successfully pulled the sword from the stone, the power rune weapon spoke to Arthur, "Arthur, King of the Britons, you must gather around you a force of many Knights to combat the evils of this world. You shall teach them the ways of old and you will all become legend," spoke the ancient weapon that the King held in his hands.

So Arthur set about his quest to gather up the mightiest and most noble warriors he could find. After many months and miles the King had gathered to himself a company of men, the likes that the world had never seen before. Sir Galahad the pure and Sir Lancelot the brave, were but two of the men that joined King Arthur as part of the Knights of the Round Table. Together they foamed a band of men whose names and deeds would be retold throughout the centuries.

"Arthur you must now train your men in the old ways. Your men will learn the ways of my ancient people, so that together, you and your Knights can strike down the forces of darkness that plagues your world," The mighty weapon communicated to Arthur.

Arthur spoke to his gathering of these fine and gallant men, "We will go to Camelot."

A chorus of men spoke up one after the other, "Camelot," "Camelot," "Camelot."

And then there was another chorus,

We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot.
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

We're Knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formidable,
But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're opera mad in Camelot.
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot.

I have to push the pram a lot.

At the end of the song Arthur spoke, "On second thought let's not go there. It's a silly place." And the hopes of Excalibur, mighty rune weapon, were dashed upon the rocks, that if he should show up in the Journeyverse, that anyone would take him seriously.

"Ok Anya, you got to meet King Arthur, but what does that have to do with why you're afraid of rabbits?" Xander asked his ex-fiancee as they sat in Buffy's kitchen..

"Because I was attacked by a killer rabbi," Anya lamented.

"What did he do, attack you with matzah balls?"

"Huh?" the vengeance demon asked? "Oh, that was a typo that the writer expanded on. It's supposed to be rabbit."

"Ok Ahn, whatever you say."


"I'll show you then," Anyanka stated, as the vengeance demon teleported Xander and herself to...

England circa 932 AD

"Wheeere the hell are we?" Xander questioned his ex, looking around the barren cold countryside that he now stood in.

"England circa 932 AD," she answered.

"All right that's enough of that," came a booming voice.

"Enough of what?" asked Anya.

"The whole 'England circa 932 AD'. It's getting old," the booming voice replied.

"Well, at least it isn't that 'it' routine from scene 19 from the book of the film," Anya replied.

"Too true," came the booming voice.

Xander asked, "what was it."

"It was 'it'" replied Anya.

"I don't know what it was," Xander stated.

Far off you could hear the faint cry from the Knights who say "Ni," "he said it again. Wait I said it . . . "

A cry rang out from a great host, "get on with it!!"

"Right then," came the narrator's response.

Several explosions erupted around Xander and Anya. On the hill a man made gestures with his hands and each place that he pointed to, belched out fire and smoke, followed by a deafening roar. As he teleported down beside Xander; Xander was startled by the man sudden appearance.

"Who are you?!"

"I am an enchanter."

"Do you have a name?" Xander asked the strangely garbed man.

Squinting his eyes the man looked menacingly at Xander and said, "there are some who would call me . . . Tim."

"Greetings Tim the Enchanter. I am . . . "

"I KNOW WHO YOU ARE; Xander. Buffy's White Knight and I know why you're here. You seek the Holy Grail."

"No, not really. Anya brought me here for some reason or other."

"Anya, Do you mean Anyanka?" Tim asked as he turned to face the young woman.

"That's right. It's a man's world. Ignore the woman." Anya spoke, somewhat annoyed that Tim had ignored her.

"Anyanka, I'm sorry. You know this time of the millennium women get ignored and abused and that's where you come in. Besides I never thought I would see you again after what happened the last time."

"Well Xander wanted to know why I was afraid of Bunnies, and I thought it was best if I showed him."

"Ok, follow me then Xander," Tim said as he turned and started to walk off. But quickly he turned to face the brunet man. "But! Follow only if ye be a man of valor, for the entrance to the cave I am taking you to is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of a full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knight, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you with nasty, big, pointy teeth." Tim finished up his speech by making teeth symbols with his hand, while Xander thought he was rather eccentric.

Following the Enchanter to the mouth of the cave Xander didn't speak, he just observed. He had seen many strange things in his life on the hellmouth, so this strange man was just another peculiarity to file away for later reference. Stopping short of the caves entrance, Tim once again faced the young carpenter. "Behold the cave of Caerbannog."

"The horrible beast is inside?" Xander asked.

"NO! THERE HE IS!" shouted Tim as he pointed toward the cave.

"What? Is it invisible?" Xander asked of the other man.


"The little bunny? That's right Anya's afraid of bunnies. I guess you are too." Xander said sneering in contemp at the other man.

"That's no ordinary bunny. That thing has a vicious streak a mile wide. It's a killer."

Rolling his eyes, Xander said "yeah, sure." Before he started toward the cave.

At about thirty feet from the rabbit, the rabbit jumped through the air trying to attack the confused young man. The only thing that saved Xander was the fact that he had a lot of experience ducking vampire attacks. The vicious killer bunny missed Xander's neck by scant inches as it flew past him.

Xander regained his feet and faced his attacker.

Once again the killer rabbit flew through the air at Xander. Clubbing the beast down with a rock, Xander turned to run as he realized he had made a mistake about the furious fury fauna. He suddenly felt his legs being jerked out from under him as the malicious murderous monster seized upon his pants leg. Being dragged backwards, Xander clawed desperately at the ground trying to break free of the angry attacking animal. {The previous paragraph was brought to you by the thesaurus as read by Carl the wonder Lama}

Fearing greatly for his life Xander cried out, "destiny, destiny, there's no escaping death for me."

The load booming voice spoke out to Xander, "that's the wrong crossover you twit. Now focus; and if you should lack focus, you can buy one at your local Ford dealership."

Tim the Enchanter wondered off laughing to himself, "It's just a little bunny. I love their stupidity. "

Xander though, was still in the fight for his life as the killer rabbit was quickly overpowering him. And just as things looked darkest for Buffy's White Knight, the author suddenly realized he was late for work and had to end the story quickly. Thus removing the bunny peril from Xander's life.

Teleporting herself and Xander back to Buffy's kitchen. Xander lay on Buffy's floor wide eyed and out of breath. Anya stood over him with a little smirk on her face.

Dawn came into the kitchen and saw Xander on the floor and asked Anya, "Why's Xander on the floor?"

Xander turned his head toward the sound of Dawn's voice but his eyes never reached her face. For Dawn was wearing fuzzy bunny slippers and upon seeing them Xander jumped to his feet let out a blood curdling scream on ran from the house.


Buffy and some of the SITs came into the kitchen after Xander's loud departure. Buffy asked Anya why Xander ran screaming from the house and Anya replied, "Because he fears no man, but bunnies are another matter."

The End

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of BTVS or The Holy Grail. But I do own a Shrubbery that's not to expensive.

The End.