Idiots in Love

(or Dear Diary, My Older Sister is Stupid, and So Is Xander)

Author: Bastard Snow <mamille5[at]>

Rating: PG-13

A/N: Maybe a year and a half after Chosen. The whole gang moved to Cleveland, and started a slayer school. Willow and Kennedy are still together, as are Faith and Wood.

Spoilers: Generally the end of the series, Chosen specifically.

Pairing: B/X

Feedback: I crave it. It's a drug. An addiction. Or it's cool to know what people think.

My sister is the biggest idiot on the planet.

Okay, that's not really fair. She's tied. With Xander.

There's this thing between them. There has been for a while now, and they're both too scared, or too stupid to notice, or admit it, or whatever Anybody with eyes... okay, anybody with even one eye would be able to see it.

Okay, Giles can't, but he's old, and anyway, he's always off training people, or finding new slayers, or getting funds for this little school we've set up here in Cleveland. Cleveland, ugh.

Okay, and Willow can't see it either, but then, she's not so much around anymore. She and Kennedy have their own place. Principal Wood does too, and Faith stays there a lot. But he comes around more often than Willow. It's not entirely her fault though, she is in college.

But I can see it. And so can the new slayers. All of them.

They see Buffy and Faith as their trainers, and Giles and Willow as their occasional teacher. And they see Xander as a big, fluffy teddy bear, which he is.

Okay, so he's a big, fluffy, one-eyed, sexy teddy bear who has a tool belt, and can tear apart most mortals on the planet and wields an axe like nobody's business, but a teddy bear nonetheless. And why is it the slayers have noticed this thing between them? Because they all think Buffy is an idiot for not pursuing it. And they're right. The eye patch is kinda hot.

So Joanne doesn't think Buffy's an idiot, but Joanne went the way of Willow and Kennedy. And can I just say 'blech' to Kennedy? Sorry, she's just brattier than I am, and that's saying something. I can't stand her.

Back to my stupid sister.

I'm not sure when I first noticed it. I think it was after they got back from a round of picking up new slayers. They had just walked back into the hotel (I know, how very like Angel of us. We need the space, okay?) and Buffy did that little play slap thing she does when she's flirting, and that little half smile, the one she did for Scott that one time, when Xander showed me his bruise afterward for calling Buffy a slut.

She so wants him. He wants her too.

I catch him watching her, just like, drinking in the sight of her. Yesterday he stared at her for almost ten minutes, and she was just watching TV.

Yes, I timed how long he watched her. I've taken to doing that the past couple weeks. You'd be surprised how much Buffy-watching time he logs. It's impressive. Or maybe a little scary, I'm not really sure. One thing I do know, he hasn't looked at her like this in a few years. Trust me, I know his looks. I used to wish he'd look at me that way.

It actually wouldn't be so bad if he did look at me that way. God, when he talked to me about being normal last year... I think that was last year anyway, I swear, one little sign of interest and I would have fallen for him bad. But he still loved Anya then.

That sounds bad. He still loves Anya now. He always will, but he's moved on. He accepted what happened, and even though I think he doesn't believe Andrew about how she died, he never says anything. He wants people to remember her as a hero, and that's how it will be.

How do people keep their thoughts in line when they write? I can't seem to do it.

Oh! She's watching him now. A quick glance around shows a lot of the girls are. He's in construction mode. This little hotel of ours needed some major renovating, and Xander's right on top of it. Okay, I'm used to California, so I really shouldn't complain, but it can get *hot* in Cleveland. I only mention this because the A/C is out, and that means Xander's working shirtless.

He has a lot of scars.

They're kind of sexy.

I wonder if people can actually smell estrogen? This room has got to be flooded with it right now.

Is it weird that I'm watching girls watch Xander? I think, since I'm doing it for research purposes, that makes it less weird.

Okay, a long drink from his water bottle and a few of the new slayers shivered visibly and walked off. Stacy, the little slut (sorry, she gets around) from Michigan, went to her room. Gee, I wonder what she's doing.

I wonder if I should tell Xander to put a shirt on? I wonder if the slayers would kill me? Is taking away eye candy an offense punishable by death? I guess, when you're living in a hotel with about fifty girls and three guys (one of whom is a stuffy old Brit, sorry, Giles), it might be.

Three guys. Oh yeah, Andrew. He turned out to be a not-so-bad guy, once you get past the incredible geekiness. He's not what these girls consider eye candy, though. But he kind of grows on you, you know? Like a subtle cuteness that… okay, not exploring that avenue of thought any farther. That way lies madness. Must refocus.

I think Faith noticed all the girls watching him. She just let out a monster catcall and Xander blushed three shades of red. You should see the glare Buffy shot at her. Faith knows. Oh yeah, Faith knows. She saw me up here, writing. Hold on, let me take care of this.


Okay, back now. I just had an interesting conversation with the second-most experienced slayer here. I say experienced, not oldest, because of a neat little side effect of the spell Willow did. Potentials the world round were activated. All potentials. Like, all of them. Giles has talked about 45 year old women who suddenly shatter their coffee mugs and break doors. We talk to them, but they don't generally come for training. We leave a card, and they call if they need help.

Back to my conversation. I was right, Faith does know. She wants to do something about it, and she wants my help. She told Principal Wood… okay, I guess he's not my principal anymore. How weird is that? My former principal is sleeping with a girl who, with the exception of, well, me, is the closest thing my sister has to a sister. Weird.

Anyway, he thought her plan was childish, immature, and doomed to failure. Sounds right up my alley. She gave me my assignment, and told me to recruit Nerdboy (that's Andrew) if I need any help.

Recruit him I shall. Well, what am I supposed to do? I can't just do what she told me, like it's an everyday thing. I do need help with it, and he's as good as any. Or, well, no he's not, but he'll do.

Millie just told me to get off my ass and do something useful. PMS much? Xander used to carry around a little calendar in his wallet, with B, W, D, and A marked on it at specific times of the month. He shared this with Andrew, and added a K and removed the A when we moved to Cleveland (ugh!). Then the slayers started showing up. After the first five, he gave up.

Okay, I have to go talk to Andrew now. We have a plan to set in motion.


He didn't give up! Xander didn't give up, he has the calendar on his Palm Pilot now! I can't believe that weasel. Andrew has a copy, too, which is how I found out. I mentioned it to Andrew jokingly, and he showed me the program. Actually, Andrew wrote the program. Xander's not much into computer stuff. But he didn't give up! A lot of the letters are scrunched up into specific parts of each month now, what with body chemistry working the way it does, but with new arrivals, they keep updating it!

You should see this thing, it's incredible. They watch the different cliques, and who hangs out with who, and Andrew has actually worked out a formula to predict when the cycles change. I'm considering buying a Palm Pilot, just so I can have this program. I like to avoid bitchy slayers, too.

Andrew said they didn't give it to Giles, partly because neither of them really wanted to bring the subject up, partly because they think it's funny to watch him squirm. Andrew's a pretty cool guy.

Sorry, it's funny. Back to work.


Principal Wood, it seems, is smarter than we give him credit for. Locking Buffy and Xander in a closet together did nothing more than make an irate slayer and an amused carpenter. And he has another door to re-hang, now, too. I have an idea that I think might work, but I'm going to need the whole cavalry on this one. I need to call in Willow. She must be informed of the situation, and she'll be able to help plan. I talked to Faith, and we're in full agreement. Principal Wood even thinks it's a good idea. It has to work.


Faith and I approached Willow yesterday. We explained the situation. After being distraught that she knew so little of the goings on in her two best friends' lives, she came fully on board with the plan. She also vowed to spend more time at the hotel. Kennedy didn't like that idea. Good, I hope Willow breaks up with her. Kennedy's just a snotty little brat, who thinks the world owes Willow to her. Fuck her.

Hmm. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I don't like her.


Angel owns a law firm. Wow. Okay, what the hell does that have to do with anything? It's actually an integral part of the plan. I talked to him on the phone today, and lucky for me he still has his hotel. I knew that would be the hardest part of the plan. Convincing him. He still loves my sister. He always will, it's really kind of sweet. But he's old news in slayertown, Buffy's aboard the Xander train!

That was a little harsh. Angel's a good guy, and he really just wants my sister to be happy. Even if he doesn't like Xander. And made it perfectly clear that Xander would die at the first hint of Buffy's unhappiness.

Like he's one to talk.

But yeah, so Angel owns a huge law firm, with bajillions of dollars, and he can afford to spend a little of it.

Like, to charter a plane.

For fifty girls.

I am so lucky I can wrap him around my finger. Angel could never resist me. Neither could Xander.

They're more alike than they'd like to admit.

It's almost time for the second to last stage.


Oh. My. God. It happened! It actually happened, I'm so happy!

No, not that. Buffy and Xander are not together. Yet. I have high hopes.

Willow broke up with Kennedy!

I don't know how to write down a high pitched squeal of happiness, but imagine that's what I'm doing.

The best part? Willow's not even sad. She was getting tired of Kennedy. Okay, this is what happened.

Willow came over to see us all, though mainly Buffy and Xander. Kennedy decided to come along. Willow, Buffy and Xander were having a nice little chat in a hallway when, lo and behold, what should waft through an air vent but Kennedy mouthing off to one of the younger slayers about what an idiot Xander is, and how he's useless, just a normal human.

Xander and Buffy got very silent (okay, I was watching them from across the hall) and Willow had a face. A resolve face. Willow asked Xander where the vent led, and he tried to stop her from doing anything rash. Didn't work. Resolve face.

Xander gave in and told her. She marched. Buffy and Xander stayed where they were, talking in hushed tones. A slight smile crossed both of their faces. They knew what was coming.

Okay, this is a second hand account of what happened, because I was busy spying on the two potential lovebirds. Apparently, Willow marched into the room Kennedy was in, smacked her and yelled at her. She called her all sorts of names, and promised terrible things if ever she found out that Kennedy in any way insulted the man who had been her best friend since, like, forever.

Then she called Kennedy an ungrateful brat for saying that about the man who saved her own life in the basement of vineyard. The man who saved the world by bringing Willow herself down from her rage and grief. Willow then said she was moving into the hotel, and Kennedy could go fuck herself for all she cared.

You should have seen the grin on Xander and Buffy's faces. Xander was crying a little bit. I know for a fact he missed his Willow. Things are getting better around here.


Giles called me crazy. He called Faith and Wood and Willow irresponsible. He said that the love lives of two people are private matters and should not be in anyway meddled in, and we should just forget our plan and let nature take its course.

Then he gave in. He's such a sucker for the puppy dog eyes. Three sets of puppy dog eyes, to be exact. Willow's slowed him down, and I'd like to say Faith weakened him and I broke him, but the truth is the other way around.

Wow. Okay, Faith really needs to teach me how to do that. You could conquer the world with eyes like that. Or just slightly nerdy—

Yeah, Giles is on board. We even gave him his excuse. He was impressed.


Buffy put up a good fight, I have to give her that. And wow, Giles is a fantastic liar.

Why are they going, again? To see a real live vampire (or two, Spike was hanging out with Angel these days. Weird, how vampires who sleep with my sister always come back from death. Kind of like her in that way.)

Why hadn't they done this for the others? Hadn't thought of it.

Will they be doing it again? Depends on how it goes.

Why are all the Scoobies staying? To take a break from teaching.

What about patrols? Faith, Buffy and Kennedy were already handling all the patrols, remember? They had decided minimum six months training before real world encounters, unless an emergency showed up. And anybody with six months of training was off somewhere else, guarding some other town. Willow's online database had allowed for easy access to demon lore.

But why are you going? Somebody has to watch over them, and make sure they don't actually try to stake Angel. Or sleep with him.

Well, why was Kennedy going? Scratch that, don't care.

How can we afford --? Angel thinks it's a good idea, and Wolfram and Hart is paying. He has also agreed to donate to the school whenever possible.

Buffy was defeated. We thought this entire thing through, and it was working. My plan is working! We now have one week to prepare everything. This is going to take some serious leg work.


Okay. Giles made a good point today. Why are we getting them together? Is it just because we think they'd look cute together?

Giles made me think. I hate it when he does that.

Okay, I don't know why anybody else wants them together, but for me it's really simple. First, they love each other. They really do, it's easy to see. It's not just a physical attraction. I mean, yeah, there's that. But the way he looks at her… he adores her. That's love in his eyes.

As for Buffy, she loves him too. I mean, she always has. He has too. But it's more now. They've really become best friends since Sunnydale collapsed. They do almost everything together. They watch TV, they eat, they go shopping (Xander always complaining). Xander makes her breakfast, and they just spend all their free time together. And they find little ways to touch each other, like the act of touching kind of makes it more real.

They've both lost so much. I just want them to be happy. I think they can make each other happy.

I think that's enough, don't you?

Yeah. It's enough.


I miss Mom.


Wow. That is really the only way to describe it. Wow. They look hot.

Okay, this was a last minute change. But man, is it a doozy.

We were just going to make dinner plans and then make up reasons why we couldn't go (we had the reasons all worked out, I was going to go on a date.) but insist that they go on anyway.

Never let it be said that Angel doesn't care about Buffy's happiness. Apparently he's been talking to Willow some, making sure that things were happening for the right reasons. Apparently she won him over. What did we get?

Two tickets to the premiere of Hugh Grant's newest movie. Why the hell they're holding it in Cleveland is anybody's guess, but it's here, it's black tie, and damn. Buffy and Xander look good.

Xander is wearing a tux. He always looks good in a tux, even if the last time he wore one holds some not-so-good memories. He's trimmed some weight. Wow.

Buffy's wearing a gown. I mean like an Audrey Hepburn, 'I'm a real lady and I know it' gown. It just drapes over her, and she just looks absolutely gorgeous.

The tickets came by courier. We opened them, and everybody immediately had workable excuses as to why they couldn't go. Giles is going with the girls to L.A. Wood has a huge amount of work to do (he actually has a job). Faith hates Hugh Grant movies, big surprise. And by the way, why does she still call me Baby D? I'm not a baby. I'm 18 years old, damn it.

Right. Excuses. Willow said she had to study since she has a big test coming up. I told them that I had nobody to go with, and it should really be a two person thing. Andrew looked so cute when I said that. Like he was a little bummed but realized it was for my sister and Xander so that was okay.

So Xander and Buffy are going. Willow casually mentioned that they might have dinner at a nice place before hand, since they're going to the trouble of getting dressed up. I jumped in and said that was a great idea, and I'd make the reservations. Which I made about two weeks ago. But they don't need to know that.


Not that Andrew's cute. It was just a momentary cuteness. I just felt I had to clear that up.

They get back in a few hours. We're all either asleep or not here by then. Really.


Okay, so by 'asleep' I, of course, mean spying on them from parts unseen. Xander's car just pulled up to the curb and he's gotten out.


He's opening her door for her. That's so sweet!

Her heel just got caught on a stone (either that, or she's a better actor than I ever gave her credit for). She ended up grabbing onto him, and his arms wrapped around her to hold her up. She's looking up at him.

I can almost see a spark jumping from her eyes to his.


Okay, breathe, Dawn. What now? Stay silent. They can't know you're awake. They're coming inside holding hands! They're holding hands! I'm going to see if I can hear what's happening.

They're not talking. Why aren't they talking? What's going on? I hear footsteps.

A door just slammed. No more footsteps.

That was Xander's door. Buffy's room is on this floor, Xander's is one floor down, across the hall from mine. The footsteps stopped after Xander's door.

I think I may have to sleep in here tonight.


I caught them kissing over eggs. Buffy blushed, then grinned. Xander just grinned. I gave them both a huge hug. Faith came in and muttered something about not being able to sleep because of all the racket.

Her room is right under Xander's. I did not need to make that connection.

The slayers will be back tomorrow, along with Giles. This whole thing means one thing to them. There is one less eligible guy for them to grasp onto.

Consider this a written sigh.

I guess I should go stake a claim on him. Any one of those slayers would break him. Andrew just better appreciate what I'm saving him from, or I'll dump his ass.

End. No sequel.