Knockin' on the Hellmouth's Door

Author: Funkitated <funkitated_twig[at]>

Rating: PG-13 Just to be safe It sounds about right.

Feedback: -Pathetically- Pleeeease?

Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS and if I did I would pretend I didn't because I wouldn't want to admit being or having any affiliation with Joss. As for the anime, I don't own it either and take no claim to.
Cowboy Bebop belongs to Schinichiro Watanabe and his crew of..

Crossover: Anime

Summary: Xander's sense of humor drives him to wear a certain costume for Halloween S2, it's more trouble than it's worth. Or is it?

Stuff: Um it's my first real fic, and yet another of those alternate Halloween S2 ones. Not an answer to any challenge. I'm trying to make this as understandable as possible if you don't know the cross, but it's just so easy to make symbolic! The crossover is sort of supposed to be a surprise. I'm sort of adlibbing to Halloween because even though there's already a billion fics for the thing I'm still not exactly sure what all goes on that night. Anyway, here it goes!

_Blah blah blah, hi, blah._ - Xander talking because he's inside his own head being posessed and all

Chapter 1

Buffy had just gone into her near paralyzing fit of joy over some frilly, old tent of a dress for Deadboy. The fact that all that was for some geezer of a dead man had sickened Xander, as all Angel related events had, and he walked away in trying to shrug it off while finding the end to his four and a half dollars in a bargain bin gun.

Six feet from the bargain bin Xander choked on his own laughter in a futile attempt not to begin cracking up.

Eventually he had calmed himself down, but the grin refused to go.

Reminiscent of the way Xander's twinkies seemed to just 'disappear' the clerk appeared. Just in time it so happened to stop Xander from continuing his journey to the bin full of cheap plastic goods.

"May I help you young man?" the proprietor was wearing an evil grin of his own, but he actually did harbor some more malicious intentions.

"Uh, uh, oh. Um, no. Just saw something funny." The strange salesman had been more surprising than the costume.

"I'm sure you did." Not wanting to lose such a divine chance he introduced himself, "I'm Ethan Rayne, you know, owner of this marvelous little shop." He offered a hand shake with which a slight pause Xander took.

"Would you like anything? Perhaps that costume over there?"

Xander's slowly dying grin reanimated itself at the thought, "Oh no, I was just making my way to the dollar bin. I can't really afford something even that simple."

Ethan was a bit put off by this youngster referring to one of his products as 'simple.' Even the most plain of products in the store were energized with a bit of chaos magic! The boy wasn't supposed to know that though was he?

"That's quite a shame really. I was looking for someone who would appreciate something as ingenious as that. I'm sure we can work something out. How much do you have?"

"Enough for the bargain bin to put me out of business."

"Right then. I don't think I'll run into anyone else even half as appreciative as you so it's yours. For under five dollars of course."

Xander was back to his original amount of happiness and without a thought handed over the money, committing this great irony was just too ideal. Maybe it was an inside joke for himself, but he just had to do it. Even with only his knowledge to back the joke up it was still enough for the amusement to last.

"You don't know what you're doing Mr. Rayne, but thank you very much. Now I really should get going though." And with that Xander snatched the odd blue suit with halfway rolled up sleeves, a yellow undershirt, and a tie then took off.

Despite all the intelligence Xander had that others neglected to even ponder it's existence he couldn't have been much farther from the truth. Ethan knew more than Xander about the little joke of the costume.

Ethan was having trouble dealing with his own delight. A friend of the slayer, who obviously had a good and healthy sense of humor, had just taken off with his special costume. It would probably end up making the most chaos in itself, but only if it met with the right people. Too bad for the town of Sunnydale a guy with the right friends had just picked up the suit, and his likeliness of not running into the wrong people was barely existent.


He hadn't really gone all out on his costume. He didn't go and get a single dark brown contact to put in his right eye to signify a difference in shade or anything; besides he didn't have the money even if he had wanted to. He had simply put on his costume in the sloppy yet somehow neat seeming manner it was known for. The farthest he had gone was to pull and pick at his hair until he had optimized its poofiness.

All that seemed to matter now was that he was playing 'mother hen' for Snyder and got to babysit a bunch of munchkins. As long as they didn't break into song about lollipops he'd be okay. One of them was just full of deviousness, scarily enough reminding Xander of himself when he was younger.

There wasn't much to say about his friend's reactions to his costume besides some bad hair comments and Buffy looking very fine in his opinion. Xander and the minis were halfway to the next house when the event of the night struck.

There was moaning, coughing, a few actual screams, Willow who was somewhere nearby was actually choking reenacting drowning on land, and then that's when Xander stopped dead in his tracks having the funniest feeling come over him.

It was a nauseating sensation of fatigue. Quite comically his eyes crossed and his knees faced inward as he started to slide down towards the ground. In a suddenly fluid movement his right foot slid back to facing forward and took a long stride to straighten himself out. During that sudden moment the mind in control of Alexander LaVell Harris had changed.

'Xander' glanced around trying to figure out where in the universe he was. This course of action quickly changed when he heard some growling coming from some little kid. He looked kind of demonic, a big bright smile revealed to twin rows of razor sharp teeth. That wasn't right.

In some form of reply the kid snapped at his hand, thankfully clamping on air due to good reflexes. 'Xander' deciding to go against his moral code to never, okay nearly never to most of the time, hit children. Demon spawn didn't count right?

In a swift, hopefully non-threatening, right arm lunge at the kid he fell clutching his grotesquely green face with gnarled, clawed hands. Time to make a break for it to!

After taking more note of the scenery 'Xander' knew where he definitely was not in fact. The moon hung in the sky near it's full phase, the only planets legible were far off tiny dots, and everything seemed to be in good condition, no global disasters taken place recently.

Wait, was that a hooker? No, not compared to what he'd seen a certain yellow clad woman wear. Besides she seemed too timid even with her hair that screamed "Fire! Fire! I need to stop, drop, and roll!" She was calling for some Xander guy, but to his surprise she made his way up to him.

"Oh Xander! I'm so glad I found you! Everything's so weird and, and" the rest of her words jumbled together into some unrecognizable phrase, too bad he wasn't really paying attention to her anyway. Just to make sure he looked behind him and to the sides, she wasn't supposed to be talking to him.

"Hold on a sec, slow down. What's with the whole Xander thing? I've been called lots of stuff," usually after unfortunate incidents, but it wasn't always his fault, "but never Xander." To add to the look upon saying the name he waved his hands.

"You mean. You don't How can? But you are him!" her face was beginning to turn funny colors, she seemed to be near hyperventilating and was obviously a very stressed person.

Maybe she was one of those "special" people. One with a split personality? Perhaps one of those lying disorders. It must have been something to get her acting this strange.

"It's me Willow! Come on I mean" Her hands were waving at exotic angles and to shield himself just in case of being hit 'Xander' put up his hands in defense. To both their astonishment her hand went right through.

He stared once again with the same wide-eyed look used on the hell spawn. Willow on the other hand began to babble.

"Oh. Oh! Don't you see? I dressed as a ghost, so now I am one! You dressed as" she looked him up and down for any clue, "Well, whoever, and now you are him! And all the kids and everybody else are now raving monsters and stuff! Wait, no they aren't"

So that's what was up with the demon kid? And how she went through his hand, but why would people just turn into their costumes anyway?! Wait, everyone had turned into their costume.

Including him.

No way

He stopped as everything seemed to stand still, the girl Willow's movements slowed, her words weren't even penetrating his unrestrained shock. Just feeling himself out he supposed he didn't feel right. That's when it hit, his eyes, both of them were real.

His right eye was real. No electronics whatsoever.

Much to Willow's dismay this, 'Xander', wasn't even listening to her anymore. She'd tried poking him idly, only to remember that her hand went through him. There was one sure fire way to get his attention even when intangible, she leaned towards his ear and


"Aaaaugh!" He jumped back from his silent reverie to the real task at hand.

"We have to find Buffy! She's a really good friend of ours, she's the slayer, kills vampires and, oh! Look, there, there, the blond, er, black haired girl in the foofy dress! Buuu-ffy!" She ran after the maiden as fast as her incorporeal legs would take her.

This was just to weird even for his off tastes. Plus, he still didn't know where he was yet. The whole ordeal would have been an increasingly pesky matter if it weren't for the fact that he wasn't too big on the whole 'think about it' thing.

Time to follow the Willow ghost and see where she'd take him.

_Down the yellow brick road we go. Good ol' Willow, I knew she'd come through for me._

Chapter 2

In the future people may have dreamed of having movies in which you see and feel the main character's actions, or maybe even a "choose your path" sort of movie. Of course then it wouldn't be much of a movie anymore.

Xander had decided whoever wanted to be stuck inside of the actions of someone else was a complete nut. He was there. He could feel what was going on, see it, smell it, but he couldn't do anything.

It was like a terrible dream where you just watch. Maybe it wasn't that bad of a watching dream because he wasn't getting attacked by monsters or little demon things, okay much, but he couldn't help himself at all. Sure it was interesting, but he was even guessing what he would do next.

Xander hated being played the fool. That's exactly what he saw himself as, or at least watched himself as, this exact night. That "Ethan" had strung him like a harp. Only he kind of broke the strings.

He too had known about the costume. Hadn't he? Please say he wasn't just being paranoid again. He did look twisted, sort of evil. Manic grin? Right?

Maybe he'd pull some cool Jeet Kune Do moves? That'd be awesome! Some martial arts wasn't worth losing your life over though. Xander had yet to do plenty of things. He was too young to die.

Actually, he was pretty old considering it was the Hellmouth.

This was just like space. No one can hear you scream, and Xander was yelling his voice hoarse. Yet he could still speak perfectly well on the outside.


Getting across the street to the maiden like Buffy wasn't much of a task considering the circumstances. The stampede of little, and big, monsters hadn't been too hard to miss, and if anyone had dressed up as Speedracer they were no where in sight.

When Willow had reached a parameter of four and a half feet from Buffy and once more called her name to her surprise the eyes of the once blond girl rolled up into the back of her head as she uncoordinatedly fell into a heap of dress.

"That was our back up wasn't it?"

_I'm so doomed._

"Oh no! I thought that maybe she'd be immune because she's the Slayer, but-"

"So now what?" "What? Oh, we should probably take her to her house! It'll be safe there. Mostly and, gosh, you have to carry her!"

_Carry Buffy? Mmm, Buffy._

"What?!" It must've been that time of the week where all the bad luck from the rest of it accumulates and comes back for round two. Hopefully he wouldn't get half killed this time, yet again.

"Unless she wakes up. She could just faint again."

_I wonder if that makes me the tougher one tonight? My possessing guy is pretty cool. That doesn't mean I like to be possessed._

'Xander' bent down until he was crouching over the form of the fallen Slayer, stretched his arm back, and hand held straight.

_No! You don't slap Buffy! Not unless she says you can and, actually I'd like that to be me slapping her then._

"What are you doing?! You can't slap her! You do it like this!" Willow sighed and bent down on the other side of Buffy and opened her mouth wide and inhaled even though she didn't need to breath for the second time that night.

"Don't tell me you're going to scream again, you'll put her into shock and then I'd definitely have to drag her."

This guy was kind of annoying. Willow rolled her eyes, "We really should be getting inside. If you have something non-violent in mind you better hurry."

_If we all get eaten I'm going to blame you because you're the only one capable of anything, and on top of that are supposed to be the tough one. I wonder if that soldier would have been better after all_

In reply he started to violently shake Buffy, irritating people was sort of a hobby of his, but usually it just happened automatically. Maybe now wasn't the best of times to carry out with that method.

Buffy awoke screaming and head rolling, until he just let go and she fell back, and then screamed some more. "I a-assure you if I d-die the best of men will avenge my death! My father is quite rich and can put a great b-bounty on your head!"

_Ha, ha. And me, dressed as a bounty hunter._

'Xander' blinked at that one. "That just wouldn't be right. It looks like I'm going to have to drag her no matter how she is." "No, no. We're here to help you. Take you some place safe, and warm too! Far away from all the monsters." Willow was using her best bet on calming the girl down after the mess 'Xander' had made, lots and lots of flattery.

_Those kinds of places don't exist here in Sunndale._

"I want a big strong man to save me, not some lowly clothed girl!" Take that back, the new Buffy was worse than the new Xander.

_The new Buff has got to go. She's killing me._

Willow was having a hard time keeping her emotions to herself, "Demons are out, you need to get to a safe place lest they rip you limb from limb, starting with your hair!

_Making Willow mad is usually never a good thing. I should know. Of course I'm also the master at getting away._

Buffy gasped, "No! But w-what about h-him?"

_The only time Buffy ever looks at me is when we aren't ourselves, that's really sad._

Willow looked back over her shoulder, and not Xander was backing away, something the real one wholly agreed upon.

"Okay, this can't go on any longer. I may not be the best of the bravest or corporeal, but we have to go. Now." Willow was gracious, not really, enough to leave out that as of the moment they weren't being followed. If she had they probably would have stayed too much longer with their crazy antics.

_Oops, she spotted us. Personally I think it's the combined stress of not having a body and having to deal with Buffy and him. What's worse is I'm starting to think it's funny._

"Um, okay. So where's that house you were talking about?" It would have been so much easier if he could have just wandered off and done his own thing, but no. He had to stay here and babysit some girls.

"Right, follow me."

Buffy just stood there eyes wide, she was still trying to hold on to her word of not wanting to go. 'Xander' also tired of her brainlessness gave a noticeably aggravated sigh and roughly grabbed her arm and yanked her along.

After following Willow for a good while a familiar dark haired girl came complaining along. _Just what we need, Cordy._

"Do you see what Jo Jo the dogface boy did to my costume?"

Willow taking her cue tried to explain to Cordelia what had taken place, "You aren't a cat. You're Cordelia Chase. You're our friend, only not, and-"

"Whoa, what's gotten into you and what are you wearing Willow?"

_Good to see someone is feeling rather like themself and is also touchable, or maybe I would have preferred it if you actually believed you were a cat!_

That tone of voice was one 'Xander' was very familiar with.

"Hey Geekboy, Buffy."

"Hello to you too." It was as if he'd been shot and was pained to talk, not like that hadn't happened before.

"You remember Cordelia?!"

"Who?" 'Xander' looked at the aforementioned girl, she had to be the this Willow was talking about because he knew the other two's names, "Gladly, no."

_Yeah! One point for Mr. Cowboy! I wish I could have forgotten Cordelia. Would have been a shame to forget that body though._

"Willow, just what are you talking about?"

"Everybody's been turned into their costumes! Well, except for you and some people, but everybody else!"

_If I didn't know any better I'd say she's enjoying explaining this to every person she meets._

"Like I didn't notice."

"You said you were going to take me to a house. Some place warm, and safe, did you not?"

_Oh, Buffy, almost forgot she was here. It would have been easy except for the huge dress._

"Cordelia we're going to Buffy's, are you coming?"

"Only because I have nothing better to do than hang with you geeks." "And isn't it wonderful of you to be joining us this evening." 'Xander' seemed to have some grudge against her already. Then again, she was just like a certain 'modest' dressing female he knew.

"Glad you feel so privileged."

"Only for you."


Finally came the glorious arrival to Buffy's. Too bad it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

"Man am I hungry." Very characteristically, 'Xander' was hungry, no matter who he was, Xander was hungry.

_Just get some cheetohs, they're always good._

"You're always hungry." The form of conversation, it had yet to reach the point of bickering and could not be called the idle chit chat of friends, between Cordelia and not Xander had seemed to resume.

'Xander' was digging through his pockets for when he was surprised out of this particular task by a tapping on the front door.

Being no one to deny simple curiosity he looked through the eye hole. Some broad shouldered brunette man. Might as well open the door.

_Oh goody! Deadboy. My favorite friend._

"What do you want?"

"Xander," once again with the whole Xander deal, "is Buffy here?"

He kindly (because he could have very well slammed the thing in his face) opened the door and pointed to a dark curly haired girl sitting on the couch arguing with Willow about identity and pictures on the wall. What it really looked like was some hysterical girl and a very frustrated one.

_You know, she'd look just like a princess if she had one of those cone hats. Yeah, that'd be good._

"Angel! I have to go tell Giles what's going on. Could you please stay here and keep and eye on things?" Without even waiting for an answer she bolted off straight through the wall.

Talking to thin air, "Sure Willow, sounds fun."

'Xander' was back to looking through his pockets. He was looking for a cigarette, what he found was entirely different.

It was some smashed, spongy, yellow thing oozing white stuff in a package. It looked like some sort of cakey role. Like a Little Debbie. Better than nothing. Carefully he opened it up, didn't want to get any of the cream on his hands. Was it cream? Then he took a big bite.

_I remember putting that there..._

It was really good! Loads better than bell peppers and beef. It even rivaled that of a Ganymede Rock Lobster, of which he didn't know if he'd ever be able to eat again after a certain incident. Quickly he finished the rest of it and dropped the wrapper in a nearby vase.

_Mmm, twinkie! I knew it would come in handy. Bet I got that guy hooked for life._

Angel was having a hard time with Buffy, being as helpless and mentally handicapped as she was.

A perfect time to spice things up, and that's what the demons, children under Spike's orders, were doing banging on the windows and doors at that moment.

Buffy erupted into a fit of screaming once again, it was more routine now: scream for five minutes, complain for ten, look helpless for five more, and unscheduled fainting, repeat.

"Dammit!" Surprising really, how the vampire who was once the Scourge of Europe was scared so easily riled by some rambunctious knocking.

"So that'd be a bunch of demons." Not Xander was trying to get the facts straight, or really just get the gist of it. Maybe Cordelia wasn't the best of teachers.


"And vampires are real, like that guy over there on the couch is a vampire? We don't kill him though, with a stake, because he has a soul and is good."

"Debatably good. Vampires are probably outside too, even the old librarian, who wears a lot of tweed and likes to scrub his glasses, says they lay low on Halloween."

_This is kind of weird. Cordelia teaching me about vampires and the like. Can't believe she's doing it too, must be out of the kindness of her heart. There is such a thing? She even has to teach me about Giles. Perfect description though._

"Where are the stakes?" Cordelia gave him the 'why should I know' look, "Hey, Deadguy Angel, where are the steaks?"

Annoyed Angel threw one at him length wise hoping to bop him in the head only for it to be caught. "There. Happy? You take Cordelia I'll take Buffy, they're gonna get in soon and who knows what's going to happen after that."

"All set. Uh, don't you have a stake or something?" 'Xander' waved his stake at her and she in reply picked one up off the table and waved back at him.

"Xander, go out the front door okay, I'll take the back."

_Hey! Angel, do not boss me around. Come on, man, don't stand for Deadboy and his bossiness. I'd hope for him to run into more vampires, but Buffy is with him._

"Sure. Ready?" He glanced at Cordelia, hand on the door knob ready to turn.

"I don't really fight 'the good fight' you know." His eye twitched at that one, more protecting! He was not some sort of body guard for hire.

Not Xander took that moment to swing the door wildly open and with a fluid motion kick the little monster in front of him until it skidded away.

_Finally! Action! I get to pull Jeet Kune Doe, I get to pull Jeet Kune Doe, I get to pull Jeet Kune Doe Wait a sec, what if the second part comes in to play where he eventually gets the stuffing beaten out of him, which in this case just so happens to be me? Oh please no_

The next little guy came running at him and in a swift motion he nearly skipped backwards dropping a bit lower until near even and bent back and elbowed the thing.

That made two scrambling away and more coming. Had Angel really sent them to the front because that was where the main group of the monster children where? The main group wasn't that big to say if this was it only five, now three.

The next one which looked like it had a particularly nasty red rash covering it's face and hands came running at him hoping to ram him with his four inch yellowed horns. It was like a ballet to watch. Cordelia was mesmerized still in the doorframe.

'Xander' sidestepped and slammed it in the back of the head making it tumble forward and then collapse on the front lawn. The fourth, a blue one slightly taller than the rest with some wicked yellowed claws came from the side hoping to surprise, but met with a foot in the jaw.

The last but not least bright, tacky orange faced alien type one was so short that not Xander almost missed him. The toe of his tennis shoe, something that wasn't really part of the costume but Xander's own, came colliding with the side of his head at a downward angle, his brain probably jogged.

_That was so cool! I wanna do it again. Not to sound like a crazy five year old or anything. That's what I'm proud of myself for beating up. No fair._

Upon the finishing of the dance Cordelia came running up after slamming the front door behind her. "Nice job Geekboy, should probably go to the library about now.."

_Personally I think I did a better job than Buffy would have done. She doesn't know Jeet Kune Doe after all, and neither do I, really_

"What are we going to do there?" He'd stashed the stake in his shirt jacket.

"Research. I don't know. What was that Jackie Chan stuff anyway?" Cordelia had been impressed. Such a show of macho bravado as she was put it was proper drool worthy material. Only problem was it came from Xander.

"Jeet Kune Doe. It was Bruce Lee stuff." To be somewhere around a hundred years off from the Bruce Lee era the guy currently inhabiting Xander was sure a great fan of the stuff.

_Is it just me or did Cordy dig that? I when I get out of here I am so going to learn a martial art. They come in handy and look really cool! Those martial artists sure get all the girls too._

"Are you like-" She had been getting dangerously close to outright admiring him, good thing someone was there to keep hell from freezing over.

Someone had begun to applaud. A vampire. One who happened to have his trench coat flaring in a show of trying to be cool. He wasn't really a lone vampire, with his girl at his side waving and two lackeys behind him. All the little gremlins of his group had been beaten only a minute earlier.

_Spike. No, go away. Please? It's all your fault you know, my costume._

"The little kitten just beat all the littler ones in a musical better than the slayer's." The vampiress Drusilla was coyly smiling at 'Xander' from beside Spike, she slipped him a little wave. She knew just what was so funny about the whole predicament..

"That was bloody marvelous if I do say so myself. Under a minute and they were all gone. How about that? Feelin' proud of yourself? Shouldn', they were just a bunch of kiddies." Spike talked with such haughtiness nowadays, it would have been sure to inspire the deepest of poetry from his old self.

"So what? Lemme guess, you're a vampire."

"Well of course mate. You aren't quite feelin' like yourself though I bet."

_Any minute now things are going to get so ugly! Why couldn't I have just picked a nice costume that wouldn't tick anybody off? Because it wouldn't have been fun that way?_

Cordelia watched the exchange not sure what to do, to run would mean what? To get caught surely. It was hard to tell what the game plan was of now.

It was a standoff of sorts, both separated by a very short fifteen feet. 'Xander' knew something wasn't right. The peroxide haired vampire before him was up to something, and that girl beside him. She knew something and he didn't know what that had to do with anything.

"Is this a party we're crashing?"

"I s'ppose it is. I was getting a bit hungry, thought I'd get a hearty meal, some nice tender slayer."

"You're in the wrong place for that. I'm just you're average bounty hunter."

_This is like a train wreck, you can't look away. I couldn't look away even if I wanted to. I'm just a viewer._

"Thought maybe I'd stop by for a snack. You were offered up for me earlier, now seems as good as any a time for a rain check, maybe better."

'Xander' squinted at him unsure of what to do just yet. The moment wasn't right.

Drusilla saw through his still composure to his unsteadiness, she passed him a wink before tugging on her lover's sleeve, "Spike, me thinks the little kitten isn't right now for tea.

_. . . . . . . . . That pretty much did it. Not much left to go after that, good to see I haven't lunged just yet._

His entire back went rigid from the first word, brown eyes widening staring straight past the medieval woman. His mouth went dry. Everything was just a dream.

Cordelia noticed the pause, she poked him. "Xander?"

Everything came back into focus. His mouth broke into the lopsided grin Xander was famous for and turned his head a couple of inches toward her. His next line was breezily addressed to her, but it was something for everyone else who had dubbed him Xander for the night to hear as well.

"My name isn't Xander you know," his head inclined a bit more at this, "it's Spike. I'm Spike Spiegel."

_I'm so going to get shot right about now._