Life - the screwed-up Xander version

Author: Michael Wilson <wyrdradio[at]>

Rating: PG-13 to R

Disclaimer: Joss, Mutant Enemy, and a lot of other people own the characters from Buffy and Angel.

Summary: Xander takes a look at his life and contemplates things.

Setting: Post ending

Spoiler: Season 7 ending

The door closed and a lone figure walked across the room. As he walked past the phone, he pressed the button on the answering machine.

"You have no new messages."

Xander stared down at the phone and sighed. Yet again there was no word. It had been so long since they had left him, abandoned him, off doing their own things. He shook his head as he walked into the kitchen. After grabbing some cold pizza and a soda, he headed into the living room and plopped down on the sofa.

"Yet another night in the so-called life of Xander Harris, the man destined to be alone... forever."

He turned on the tv and flipped through the channels... but nothing was on. Just another notch on the scale of depression he lived in 24 hours a day. Sure, he hid it by smiling and cracking jokes... but they were just the mask he wore to hide the pain, the loneliness.

"Nothing on... nothing to do... cause there's no one who cares."

They had all left him. Giles, Buffy, Faith, and the Slayers all went to England or elsewhere once Slayers had been placed on all of the Hellmouth sites. Soon Willow and Kennedy followed and then Dawn went to college. They all left, one by one, only no one took the time to wonder.. what about Xander.

"Haven't heard from them in so long. I'd call them... but they didn't leave me any way to contact them."

He had gone so far as to call Angel... but even he refused to help him. It was as if everyone he knew gave up on him... all at once... leaving him alone.

"Makes sense too. Who'd want to be with a guy with one eye, never went to college, terrible dating history... no one, that's who."

He stared down at the soda in his hands and threw it across the room. He then reached under the couch and pulled out a sealed bottle of whiskey. Xander stared at it for a long time, watching the dark liquid swish in the bottle. He hadn't even considered it before... but now, with no one to care about him, he couldn't see what was so wrong about it.

"Dad seemed happy... when he wasn't hung over. Said it took the pain away. Could use less pain right about now..."

Xander stared into the bottle and let its motion capture his eye. He focused on it... thinking how it would be so easy to just open the catch and drown his pain away.

"It'd all be over in that one moment... all the pain... all the loneliness... everything, gone, with just a drink."

He peeled off the wrapping and twisted off the top. He removed the cap and looked down the neck of the bottle... the aroma drifting up to his nose.

"Just one drink and it'll all go away..."

His hands began to shake as he squeezed the bottle tighter... and screwed the cap back on. He cursed under his breath and then threw the bottle at the wall. It shattered and bathed the wall in alcohol.

"Damn it! I can't... I just can't... you were right Dad, I am a chickenshit... too scared to even do this..."

Xander slid deeper into the couch and curled up into a ball.

"Damn world... damn it all to hell... just wish it'd all go away... just once... why can't it all just go away..."

As he began to rock slowly, tears fell down his cheeks as yet he made it through yet one more night... not really caring anymore if tomorrow came or not...