I really cant. i just cant take it anymore. i hate me. i totally despise myself. all the crap i have been thru, the wars i took part in, the un named battles of my entire freaking life.
everything that i has done, that should have killed me, didnt. i survived each cursed thing. yeah, it hurts, and at the begining it took forever to recover form them, but its scary sometimes. its like my body is adapting faster and faster, healing quicker as i get older, and its driving me insane. cause i dont WANT it to. i WANT it all to end. Being the ultimate surviver sucks.
poison, burning, shootings, drowning, and pretty much everything else you can think of, been there, done that, gave back the stinking t-shirt. now, im sitting here, looking out at lake Erie, and thinking about every where i have been. everyone i have seen, and been with. and wanted to be.
and i miss something. my self, in a way. who i was all those years ago. when i was innoncent still. i can barely remember that child i once was. but i know, if he could see what i am no, he would be ashamed. i am everything i always swore i would never be. a violent man. a killer. a liar. a thief. and a broken hearted fool.
im looking up at the sky now, and am amazed that these are the same stars i looked at so many years ago. the same ones that shone when, 3 decades ago, i was brought into this world. the same ones i prayed to for death back in the sands of Iraq. or the jungles of a country im not even allowed to admit i was ever in. or the grasslands of another i cant speak of. the same ones i cried under, in the middle of the night, when i lost my first love. the same ones that ill be looking at so many years form now its scary.
walking on the sands of a great lake. now i really have walked every terrain on the planet. from pole to pole, horizon to horizon, youll find my foot prints in the sands, and dirt, and rocks of almost every country on this world. the things i have seen......
and the things i have done. <shakes his head, and lights a smoke> yeah i know. filth habit, isnt it? give me lung cancer you say? i wish it could. my lungs are as clear as a newborns. i know. i had them checked. i had every thing checked when i realized that something wasnt right with my body. but you dont really want to know those details do you?
you do?
huh. well, lets just put it this way. you know that x-men movie? Wolverine is a sickly pansy compared to me. no, i dont have the claws like he did, but i have been giving it a lot of thought. and no, i dont have animal like sences. what i DO have is Instincts. a lot of them, and a lot stronger than you do, kid. a LOT stronger. and hunches. almost like being prescieant. knowing crap i got no buisness knowing.
oh, yeah, go ahead, laugh it up. sounds like a sweet deal, dont it? let me clue you to something, slick. is a royal pain in the rear. you think i LIKED knowing things, and not able to prove it, or they would think i was a freak? or any of my ex-girlfriends, knowing what they were doing no matter how far away they were? or seeing death minutes or weeks hovering over people and knowing i couldnt do anything to help them? yeah, dosent sound like so much fun now, does it?
i thought not. now, try looking at it from my point of view. all this power, or what ever you want to call it, i would trade in a heartbeat for one thing. someone to love me as much as i can love them. but you know what? that aint gonna happen. why? cause out of the 3 women on the planet i could trust enough to let go, and give my heart to, 1 is dead, 1 is took, and the last one dont want me. so i guess im screwbared, aint i?
now, if you'll excuse me, im gonna go play with the blades again. i know, it aint gonna work this time, like any other time. ill just bleed for a while, and by this time tomorrow, i wont even have a scar. but who knows? maybe death wont just walk past this time.
<takes a last drag from his smoke, and walks into the night>