She's laying there sleeping peacefully, but I can't. I can't sleep knowing that I'm losing her.
Knowing that I've lost her already really.
I never saw it coming really. Why would I? I love her and she's told me she loved me. I know she meant it too. She's proven it again and again. But it's true what they say, all love is fleeting. If you're lucky it takes decades for love to fade away, but for me it took less than a year.
Less than a year...
Less than a year since her first smile...
Less than a year since our first touch...
Less than a year since our first caress...
Our first kiss...
Our first embrace...
The first time we made love...
We changed ourselves for each other. Our entire worlds. It was real. Maybe it still is real, but it's dying. I've lost her.
I've lost her to him...
What I least expected to happen.
It's not like it was sudden, not 'bolt from the blue' for them. To be sure. It took its time. I'm not blind, I knew from the beginning he was attracted to her. First of all, she's a beautiful woman...
But she said she didn't see him that way. And maybe at first she didn't, but time changes things. They spent time together, lots of time together. Cause I wanted them to...
Then it started, I noticed that she touched him more when he said things. She'd touch his arm when he said something funny, if they were sitting together, she'd pat his knee. She'd brush his hair aside. It was all still innocent. So what if they went to see movies and concerts together? So what if they had the occasional slow dance at The Bronze? So what if he'd be at our dorm room when I got home?
Nothing was happening, and I trusted them. I still do in fact.
Then Anya left...
Anya left, and he went to her for comfort and companionship. Comfort and companionship she was too happy to offer. That's when I began to lose her, their time together was still innocent.
But she was falling for Xander.
I refused to see it though.
Denial is a powerful ally.
Denial is an even more powerful enemy.
Tonight though, what happened tonight can't be ignored. No matter how much I want to ignore it... She called out "Xander."
I was making love to her and she called Xander's name...
Still I said nothing, and I don't think she realized she said it. She was too caught up in whatever the Fantasy-Xander was doing to her.
Too caught up in her fantasy of being with Xander to realize that I know now, and I can't ignore that I've lost her to Xander.
I feel tears of painful acceptance slide down my cheeks. I press a kiss into her locks and hold her tight in a lover's embrace for the last time.
I hope Xander's there for you, I hope he loves you as much as I do.
"I love you Tara. Good Night."