Sometimes, I regret being born. I mean, look at me. I've graduated high school, but no college will accept me. I can't hold down a single job, despite my experience.
I've been a pizza delivery driver, phone sex operator, ice cream truck driver, a construction worker, candy seller, Starbucker, janitor, courier, and other types of odd jobs.
My negligent parents made me live in the basement, and charged me room and board. And every day my friends seemed to give off a vibe that just plainly told them, 'laugh at me'.
But the thing that really hurts is that all the women in my life now want nothing to do with me, like Anya.
I loved her. I thought she loved me, but the Hellmouth had other ideas. Some sort of robot or demon had stolen my life, and now everyone thinks it's me.
At first, I thought it was using some form of mind control with a shiny talisman; but the final time I attacked him, or it, the device turned out to be just a squashed nickel.
The time I spent shadowing my double, and when I was unconscious after I slammed full-tilt into Spike following the first fight with said double, resulted in me losing the crucial window of opportunity I needed to talk to my 'friends'.
The demon got to the entire gang, while I was an idiot and tried getting information from Spike after I woke up.
It's like everyone was totally fooled by my replacement. I couldn't go to Buffy afterwards; she's 'slay first, ask questions later' gal.
So I decided to go to my best friend, for all the good that did me. Willow and then Tara tried to fry me with their magicks. Got outta there in a hurry, I can tell you.
Spike tried his best to kill me next time he saw me too, despite that chip in his head; I dunno, maybe he was bored or hoping to get some brownie points or free blood or something, from the gang.
Even Dawn, despite her infatuation with me, called 911 and made the cops chase after yours truly after I went to her at a friend's house. Thank goodness I knew all sorts of haunts in Sunnyhell.
But it was Anya who hurt me the most.
I went to talk to her in her home, and came across the message on her machine from *him*. I grabbed her handgun, and went to rescue her.
A fight ensued, the gun falls to the floor, I discover the talisman is nothing but a coin, Anya picks up the gun and starts firing at me.
Despite what's happened, it looks like my luck didn't run out completely. I'm still alive, but the pain still gnaws at me.
Because my own girlfriend tried to kill me. She tried to shoot me, because she preferred the demon me without visible flaws, to the me who would do anything for her and loves her.
Granted I no longer have to put up with her lack of tact or the high-maintenance lifestyle, so that's a blessing, but it still hurts. Having your heart torn out of your body tends to do that to you, but I'm used to it.
Heck, I've been burned by anything female that walks.
Buffy burned me when she wanted nothing to do with me - but now that I think about it, I'm glad she didn't choose me. I mean, it's like a cycle with her!
She finds her 'dream guy', he hurts her real bad, she mopes around, and then goes on to find the next 'dream guy'.
There was Angel, Parker, and Riley. She prefers the dangerous type rather than the guy who will put her on a pedestal, and if they do put her on a pedestal, she pushes them away…like Faith.
Faith…now, there was a wonderful package. Smart, beautiful, but cold. Like Cordelia Chase, another of my ex's.
That's why I'm in LA. Not to see Cordelia, but to escape. Because I'm tired of it all.
Supposedly, you go to LA to fulfill your dreams. Works for me. The plan is I'll just stay here and work to get enough cash, to then head somewhere else - like Vegas, or Seattle. Or just any place that's far away from the Slayer, Anya, and the goddamn Hellmouth.
My thinking was that my plan is perfect. You wouldn't expect to find a fugitive working as a bartender in a Karaoke bar called 'Caritas', that's run by a demon that loves music - would you?
Just my luck that Deadboy and his Three Stooges come by. I get that he still has his soul, but I *know* that Angel would do anything to get back into Buffy's pants, even kill me thinking I'm a demon.
The boss understands I'm hiding from them, but he won't pry into why. He of course keeps quiet about me, as long as I sing. It's funny how I've hated demons nearly all my life, then dated/slept with one, and now work for one.
But the boss is cool. He can read auras and futures. He's read mine, but he isn't saying what it is since its not yet time. At least, not yet.
It was just another day on the job that evening. I walked in; the boss greets me with his usual "How's it going, kid?"
I reply with my usual, "It's all right," - and go straight to work.
If you ask me, being a bartender is a kick-ass job. I would have kept that UC Sunnydale campus position I'd gotten last year, if it hadn't been for that owner making his patrons into cavemen.
I mean, you meet all sorts of interesting people. Like last week, there was that vampire that was just terrified of blood.
Can you believe that?! A creature that's gotta subsist on blood to survive, is terrified of the stuff! Then there was that succubus that just could not seduce anything, if her existence depended on it. Problem is she's just too damn shy!
Other than that, the pay's all right and the tips are nice.
So what was I saying? Oh yeah, it was just another day on the job. So I'm doing my rounds, and get to the point of serving a screwdriver to a gremlin with an Afro (yeah, they do exist) when I start to hear someone singing 'Here with Me' with a beautiful but real depressed tone.
Then again, you'd have to be depressed to sing, let alone listen to Dido. I look at the stage, and see a real good-looking blonde. God, she's an absolute knockout. Blue/black dress, with her legs crossed.
Whoa, down boy. Blondes are what got me in trouble in the first place. Still, it doesn't hurt to look.
She looks to be about five years my senior, but that's okay…did I just think that? I mean, it's not like I'm involved with her. Besides, she has to have a boyfriend. There is no way someone as beautiful as her could not have a boyfriend.
The jealous gorilla/Riley-built type, who'd wring my neck for even glancing at her. There's just no way she couldn't have a boyfriend, or even have the slightest interest in me. I swear, blondes will be the death of me.
Just as I'm about to go back to work, I notice the boss looking lost in thought, not looking anywhere in particular. Wonder if I should call him Master Yoda? Nah, never bite the hand that signs your paycheck, I always say.
I go back to serving the drinks, but it's too late. The blonde is already causing trouble. I can't get her appearance, or voice out of my head. I decide to risk quick glances at her , aware that her boyfriend might want to practice qualifying for the WWF on me. Damn is she beautiful.
If he can catch me, that is. For a short while, nothing happens. The girl is just sitting down at a table on the other side, watching everyone else sing. Then the boss walks up to me.
"It's time," I say. It's not a question. It's a statement. The boss nods to me, and I give him a fake smile. Might as well get this over with.
I exit the bar, let the new guy take over and head for…ah, shit. I forgot. She's still there. I was about to say Humiliation Central, but why does it feel like an execution now?
I go on stage, and head for the stupid machine. Oh great, what a song he picked. Well, it could have been worse. It could've been Celine Dion, but the boss doesn't want this place to get a bad name...
I start the miserable machine, and I start singing to Wang Chung's 'Dance Hall Days' kind if off-key. While I'm singing, I look over at the blonde's table and I see a mixed expression of laughter and 'oh my God' look on her face.
I'm gonna get the boss for this. I don't know how or when, but I'll get him somehow. It's then that I see a guy head for Blondie's table, and sit down with her. Gotta be the boyfriend.
Who else could it be? But right now, I don't really care. I just want to find a hole in the ground to crawl into, and die.
When I finish, I do what I can to keep my dignity. So I hold my head up high and walk past Blondie and boyfriend, who are no doubt probably laughing at me. I head back for the bar, and sure enough, there's the boss waiting for me.
I don't know why, but he loves it when I sing even though I can't really sing (but I'm still better then Cordy). It was also part of the deal for him to hire me. There are just times where I just give up trying to figure out demons.
I shrug his comments off. Then he says it:
"Gotta hand it to you, little buddy, you sure have a thing for blondes. One shot you down when you were a teenager, another one that had some brunette coloring recently shattered your heart - but let me tell you, that one at Table 8 is the one."
"What are you talking about, Boss?"
"Well, it turns out that both of your futures are intertwined with each other, but it's also damn confusing."
I'm dreading the answer, but I ask him why.
"I also see you with another completely different blonde girl with some brunette mixing at the same time. Now, either you've spiced up the Seabreeze, or something screwy is going on."
I change the subject. "So, what can you tell me about her?" I ask.
"Well, unless that vampire gets her, she's going to be a special person," he says smugly.
What! I quickly look back to Table 8, and sure enough there she goes walking out the back of the club with the 'boyfriend', or vampire.
Something inside of me tells me not to get involved, but then there's that nagging voice telling me to save her. Instinct makes the decision for me, and I rush towards and out the back door, just in time to see the vampire lower his head to her neck.
Five years of knowing about the things that go bump in the night has me grabbing the crossbow bolt in my vest, and I ram it through the vamp's back. Blondie has a shocked expression on her face, and just as I'm about to calm her down she punches me in the jaw hard, while cussing me out.
The blow causes me to fall towards the ground. Now what's wrong with her? But before I can dwell on that, she then kicks me in the stomach while screaming, "YOU IDIOT! What do you think you're doing?"
I wheeze out the words painfully, "Saving you?"
She pauses while the words sink in, then says in an exasperated way, "Saving…me. Of all the…I needed him to make me into a vampire, you fool!"
My life just keeps getting more and more interesting.
It turns out that Blondie was once the Vampire "Queen" Darla. Yep, Angel's sire. But if memory serves, isn't she dead - so what's she doing here as a human? I mean, I left Sunnyhell to get away from Hellmouth and all that!
Okay, so maybe LA wasn't the best place to come, with Deadboy being here and all.
So I decide to try and talk some sense into her. I don't think we need the vamp that made Angelus coming out of retirement.
Of course I can be such an idiot sometimes! I wanted her to talk to me. Not tell me her life story, but having four shots of tequila does that you.
She told me more than I wanted to hear. First, she told me how heartbreaking it was to lose Angelus and when he staked her, like I could care less. Then she got into some plan by some law firm called Wolfram and Hart.
Seems that they want Angel to lose his soul again. Man, can't these evil types come up with something that *doesn't* deal with him? Sure, he loses his soul and everyone seeks to restore it. But when I lose my life, nobody seems to care.
Where was I? Oh yeah, it turns out that the Master made her in 1609 and didn't really give her a choice. She was dying of syphilis. That's why Darla wants to be a vamp again, immortality.
See, when she was turned the syphilis became dormant. Now that she's been brought back as a human, the syphilis has gone active again.
But I know there's a bigger reason. She's also human…which means she has a soul, and it's driving her insane. The woman can't take it. All the people she's killed. Sure she acts like Faith or Anya, not caring, but unlike those two it's eating her up.
Why else would she seek the unlife? No more guilt and pain. But the thing that really made me mad about the walking gel repository, was the part where he had confronted her, and told Darla she'd never made him happy.
Now, that was low. Sure they'd had a long and bloody history together, but that doesn't justify him going all 'Faith' talking to 'Xander' on her. From the sound of things, she loved him.
She's now asking for another shot. Should I or shouldn't I? Uh-oh, she's giving me a sore look. The boss doesn't need a scene. That's another reason why he keeps me around.
I haven't had a scene during my watch. Besides, Darla looks ready to drop. Might as well give her another one. She'll be easier to manage. Her sour look turns bright as I give her the next shot, and she really unloads it all.
She starts crying over why her 'Angel' might have dumped her. After a few minutes of crying, she goes and says to me, "Don't I have a wonderful body?" in a pleading voice.
This leaves me speechless. So I give her the 'you're kidding' look.
"You're kidding," I say to her. "You've got a wonderful body."
"Really?" she says, "Better then that…that…Slayer?"
"Definitely" I reassure her.
Darla then starts smiling at me. Uh-oh, trouble. But then again, it wouldn't be bad. Who am I kidding? In her state, she'd think I'm Angel. Then there's the syphilis. Not a good feeling, to have that.
Thank God it was just temporary when you catch it in time these days, but what about her? I mean, she's really hurt. I just can't leave her in this state. Yeah, Darla was a vampire, but she's human now. She has feelings.
I might as well do humanity a favor, 'cause we don't need another psycho bordering on Dru and Faith here. Better be careful on how I say this.
"Do you have a place to stay?" Great, sounds like I want a one-night stand. If she weren't wasted, that'd be the end of it, but she *is* wasted. She just smiles.
"You're a very naughty boy," Darla says in a childlike laugh. Oh man, what have I done?
What am I, stupid? I have a beautiful woman in the hellhole I call my home, sleeping in my bed, and I have no intention of touching her.
I want to help her, not take advantage of her. Then, there's the wonderful memory of me trying to help Faith. Don't want part deux of that.
But what a rush getting her here. I played along with her; a happy drunk is a cooperative drunk, and boy - was she happy. Thinking that I was going to make her feel wanted and special, she was ecstatic.
I looked at the boss, and he gave me a knowing look that he understood. Besides, the other guy was present and he could cover for me. So I took a giggling Darla by her arm, and for a moment we looked like a happy couple.
That is until she stumbled, laughing about her damn heels making her clumsy. I lifted her off the floor, and headed for the front door.
But then I remembered my jacket. I took her with me into the employee area, with Darla already nibbling on my ear while whispering, "In here? Them out there? I don't know if I like that idea of kink!"
Here's where more of my strange luck goes into play. It turned out that just when I entered the employee's entrance, Angel arrived, looking for the boss. When I was ready to go back out, I opened the door and saw Deadboy talking to Lorne, the demon that I work for.
I sort of panicked, and decided to go out the back. It was the only available detour to my car. Yep, my car. The one Uncle Rory gave to me as a high school graduation present.
Just in case my double had wanted to take that from me like he took everything else, I'd stayed one step ahead of him; I'd gone to a junkyard and gotten 'new' license plates, before leaving Sunnydale like a thief in the night.
Being the gentleman I am, I opened the door for Darla, got her in and put on her seatbelt. During the process of getting her belt on, I brushed her breasts - and oh God, was she soft.
Whoa, don't go there. Remember that I'm only going to help her, not screw her. I got in my car, turned the ignition and away we went.
I later found out from the boss that Angel was looking for Darla. Of course, the boss didn't know that my 'date' was Darla.
It wasn't until Angel showed him a picture of her that he told him. The boss didn't give him my name, but he did mention that she had just left the place with someone that had this 'white knight' vibe.
God, I am getting sick of that title. The white knight always triumphs over his challenges and get the girl he protects. Am I with Buffy? Actually thank God, no. Sure wish I could have seen Angel's face when he heard that, though.
He probably *was* thinking of me 'cause as the boss said, why else would he call Sunnydale looking for someone named Xander? Of course, the joke was on him 'cause I'm 'still there', on the Hellmouth.
Probably, it was the one time I *was* glad that the demon, robot…whatever he is had taken over my life.
Anyway, by the time we got to my wonderful Hellhole, Sweet Hellhole Darla was really plastered, and feeling very frisky.
She wasn't just nibbling on my ear but biting on my throat, like she was a vamp again. She started asking me how I would want it, and told me what she would and wouldn't do, and how she wanted it.
This has to be Hell. To have her throw herself at me like this, but me being Mr. Nice Guy. It really sucks.
When we finally get to my door, I have to carry her in my arms like we're newlyweds, while she hummed a drunken tune. I gently put her on couch, and she childishly asks for another drink.
I don't have a choice but to tell her no. It's not good for her, and I don't have anything to drink around here, unless you like water. I don't want to wind up like my parents.
Well, she started to pout about it, but I got her a glass of water anyway. When I came back, she was still humming that tune to herself. I really hoped she wasn't crazy like Drusilla.
Even though it made her seem cute, she was still dangerous 'cause her moods were hard to read, let alone predict. But back to my story; when she saw the glass of water, she eagerly reached for it while I sat down.
She then drank it and then immediately spat it on my face, while coughing "Water...?"
It was then that she saw what she had done, and…sorrow? Well, it appeared on her face. She then lifted herself off the couch, and sat on my lap, her arms around wrapped around my neck.
Two events then occurred. The first was that my dick really started rising up in excitement, and the second that she was using her tongue to clean me off. She was starting to make me forget the original purpose, as to why I brought her here.
She then purred, "Do you think you can dominate me tonight instead of the other way around?"
Oh, man, this girl runs with the whips, chains and leather scene…?
"You always did try to dominate me, but you never could. You were the one that always wound up begging for me to stop, but as soon as I did you begged for more."
She then paused. "Ah, remember the raunchy fun Drusilla and me would have? We truly were creatures of the night." She then went on about all the sex acts she could remember, that they'd committed.
Then Darla said, "Maybe I'll finally let you give it to me in the ass, Angelus. You always did know how to please me."
Great, she just had to say it. She just had to ruin the moment, or did she? Okay it was good because I remembered that I'm supposed to help her, but it doesn't help, to be compared to him.
Seeing my face, Darla smiled, cooing, "Oh, did I hurt my sweet Angel?" Then she passes out, and starts to fall back.
I don't know what possessed me, but all I remember is that I threw my arms around her and stop her fall.
Great, now she looks like I killed her rather then looking like it's nighty nighttime for her.
I pick her up in my arms gently, despite the fact she's unconscious, and carry her to my room. I place her on my bed carefully, then I pull on the covers. I take the thong sandals off her feet and put her in my bed, then cover her up.
At least she wasn't hurt. Wish I could say the same for me. What am I, everyone's emotional punching bag? Now I really know how Spike feels.
But enough dwelling on pain. Time for the real fun to begin. The ultimate question.
Where should I sleep tonight? The sofa, with a real high chance of falling off? Maybe the good old floor, just like my young Christmas camping days?
Looks like this will be a long night.
I was already up and showered by 7:30 a.m. With the condition my guest was in, not even a herd of stampeding elephants could wake her up. Still, I'm careful not to wake her up.
She may be human again, but she still packs quite a punch. Besides, I still ached after the last bout. Like I said, what a night. I had finally decided on the couch, but when I woke up I'd 'mysteriously' ended up on the floor.
One thing for sure is that she'll be hungry when she wakes up, and not for blood either. Sure hope she likes oatmeal. Hey I can cook, but I'm on a budget.
I mean, it's LA; high rent, obscene electricity rates, and criminal insurance premiums. But having negligent parents tends to have you forcing to fend for yourself from a young age, and besides I need to watch what I eat now.
So like I said, I'm supposed to help her, and nothing wears down resistance for help like a nice hot meal. At least, I hope so.
When she finally woke up at 9:14 in the morning, her reaction was probably that of a cornered doe. But then when you think about it, wouldn't you be scared waking up in unfamiliar surroundings with a real bad headache?
The idea of being in someone else's bed didn't really thrill her, especially when there was no one else there. I hope she didn't freak out, but she probably did until she noticed she was still wearing her clothes.
By then, I figure her reaction turned to surprise. I mean think about it, you get plastered, you know that you made sexual advances, then wake up in someone's bed with not just your undergarments on but your clothes as well.
Me being the considerate guy, I of course had left her some aspirin for when she woke up, and kept out of the room (unless you want to count me getting my clothes).
Anyway, I'm enjoying my oatmeal, minding my own business and watching last night's episodes of Montel Williams and the Gawdfather of Talk Shows, Jerry Springer.
Go ahead and laugh. Sure you may think of it as trash TV, but this cheers me up. Yeah, a traffic director once told me that whenever he feels his life sucks he turns on Springer, and lo and behold there is someone else worse off than him.
Like right now, some guy is leaving his girlfriend for a girl that is so sleazy, she makes Pamela Lee look like a nun. I mean, who knows where she's been? (Or if she's slept with a vampire) Hmm, wonder if I'll ever see Buffy, Riley, and Angel on this show?
Nah, the producers wouldn't want them giving Jerry a bad name.
But before I can really enjoy the show, the door to my room opening interrupts my train of thought and out she walks, cautiously with my Louisville Slugger in hand. She's wary, but once she sees me sitting down eating it sort of calms her.
But like I said, it only sort of calms her down because she's still wielding my Slugger. And after one look at me she lowers the bat, her body language telling me, 'don't get any funny ideas'.
Okay, think Xander, think. How can I reassure her that I'm friendly?
"I got a ball and mitt, if you want to hit the park."
Oh, that's a good way to start. It seems that for a moment all time freezes between the two of us, then she starts to laugh. It's not the good kind of laugh, either.
It's the 'I can't believe you said that' or 'what?' laugh. Got to salvage this fast, but before I can say anything she takes the initiative.
"What happened?" she asks, in a demanding tone, while holding the bat.
"Uh, girl plus Angel equals heartbroken girl. Heartbroken girl plus syphilis equals depression. Depressed girl plus tequila multiplied by five equals drunk, depressed girl. Drunk, depressed girl plus concerned bartender gets sexual advances. Concerned bartender divided by plastered girl equals warm bed for girl. Concerned bartender minus bed equals floor for the guy."
I then went back to my breakfast, while she still looked at me trying to figure out what I said.
"What happened?" she asked again.
"I already told you. Nothing happened, okay? You passed out, I put you to bed."
"Why?"
"Because I want to help you, and to do that I have to earn your trust. And I can't earn your trust, with you waking up next to me with a hangover."
She let it sink in before responding snidely, "What can *you* do to help? Nothing, that's what. It's too late to help me. Vampirism is the only help I need."
No, you can't. If you do, it really gets shot to hell. No one deserves being a vampire. I figure I have one last chance.
"Look, I'm not going to ask for much. Just give me one chance, okay? One day, all right? If I can't help you, then…I'll assist you to become a vamp, like you want." 'And I'll be there to stake you afterwards...' I silently add to myself.
She lets my proposal sink into her head. "Okay," she finally says, "help me find my footwear, and you have a deal."
Help her find…she must still be a little out of it. I left them at the foot of the bed.
I cheerfully say, "Okay, but first things first," I point to her oatmeal. "Are you going to eat that? 'Cause you shouldn't let good food go to waste." She just looks at me, as if I've lost it in a mental way.
Okay, as I said, first things first. I need information, and there's only one person I know of that can give it to me. Once she had showered and I'd cleaned her blue/black dress, I took Darla back with me to meet the boss.
Of course, the only way the boss could help was if Darla sang. Hey, what are you pausing for? Of course she also thought it was a stupid idea, but we did have a deal.
She cooperates with me while I try to help her, and to do that she had to sing so the boss could give me the information.
So she goes on stage, sits on the stool, crosses her legs and starts to sing Nina's '99 Red Balloons' in the same depressed tone from last night. The boss immediately gets to work, reading her aura or future.
After a few seconds he says, "Ooh!"
I look at him. "Ooh, what? What does that mean?"
"It means Ground Control to Rogue Group, cut your losses while you're still ahead, my hormone-filled friend."
"Look, Boss, I need your help to save her. She'll become a vampire if you don't!"
"Whoa now - calm down, lambchop. The anger and pain is like going to overwhelm me. Seems like you're projecting a lot here."
"Well, you'd feel the same if you had a demon double that stole your life and girlfriend."
"A double, huh? Well, that finally explains the different futures. And let me tell you something kid, those two are really going to have their ups and downs."
I avert my gaze back to her. "Boss, can we please get back to Darla?" I don't really care how my double and Anya will do. She chose him; she's welcome to him.
What the boss did, though, was watch how I looked at her. Annoyed, I shot at him, "Shouldn't you be reading her?"
"Look, I can see why you want to help her, but not everyone can be saved. You of all people know that."
"I can't just let her die, Boss."
"Come now, she's had over 400 years of life…"
"As a vampire, but what about a normal life? Is that too much to ask?"
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Xander, this could be dangerous. And you have too much going for you, to just throw it all away for her."
"Look Boss, I don't have anything going for me, all right? My life has sucked since day one, and every day I wonder why I don't go on Sally Jesse Raphael. Sure I sound like a defeatist, but that doesn't mean no else deserves a better chance."
"That's what I like about you, Alexito. You refuse to let up. There might be one way..."
"I'll do it."
"Oh, you must really see something in her I don't, my young friend, because this might kill you. In fact, it almost certainly will."
The boss then started to write me an address on a napkin, and handed it to me. "Okay kid, now if you really want to go through with this, you need to take a plunge."
Despite the fact that Darla was cooperating with me, it didn't really mean she had any faith in my abilities. What the hell - if you want the naked truth, she was just humoring me.
When we finally arrived to the address, we came across to an empty pool. It was this incident that finally made Darla lose her patience with yours truly.
"Well, one thing I've learned about you is that you're not just a moron. You're a naïve moron. I can't believe I let you talk me into this!"
"Hey, the boss said I had to take the plunge."
"Into an empty pool?"
"Why not? Pools always have water and...are wet. This is something you wouldn't expect." I then stepped onto the diving board, ready to jump. But before I did, I looked back at Darla.
She was giving me this annoyed look, and then she let me know what was on her mind 'cause she snapped at me, "Look, let's cut the silver paladin crap, okay? You don't have to prove anything to me, all right? Tell you what, you don't even need to help me become a vampire. Just forget you ever met me."
Her words struck something inside of me. She saw me as her champion. A knight despite that she most likely despised me. Maybe I'm not a lost cause.
"You're wrong," I say. "This isn't just about proving something to you. I need to do this, because I need to know who and what I am nowadays. Now, I'm either going to heal you, or you'll see me put out an end to my unpromising life."
She's speechless, and before she can say anything I jump up on the diving board and off it into the very hard-looking pool…and dive right through it.
The first thing I do is tucked in my head, and boy was it a smart move because I land real painfully onto a dungeon floor.
While I'm picking my carcass off the floor I hear a voice saying, "Well, we certainly have faith. Now we'll test your valor," in a British accent. I looked at the voice's owner who was dressed as a butler. "My name is Jeeves and I shall be assisting you with the trials, sir."
Just as I was about to say something, I noticed something at the corner of my eye, I turned, and there was Darla.
"What is she doing here? And how did she even get here?"
"You wish to save her life?"
"Well, hey, you think I came here to help the Padres win the pennant this year?"
"I'm afraid I can't help you with gambling purposes, sir. The reason why she is here, is because she is your collateral. If you complete all three trials, she will be helped."
Great, but I bet there's a catch. "And if I fail?"
"She dies instantly."
Oh yeah, there's the catch. I look at Darla, and her mocking facial expression filled with contempt for me...turns to horror. She doesn't know my capabilities or me.
I do. And I don't think I'll even pass the trials. Taking tests was never my strong point.
"In the meantime, Darla, you can relax with an iced beverage in our - antechamber," and next thing you know, she's gone.
"Hey, bring her back!"
"I'm afraid I can't, sir. In a few moments, nothing will be safe in here. Even me."
"But if I fail…her life…why?" I demand, grabbing his uniform collar and holding him.
"Pardon me, but these clothes do cost money."
I release him and Jeeves dusts himself off, then continues, "Now, I am sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but life is the bargain here, you must place hers in the balance along with yours on the chance you succeed."
It's then that I hear a low growl coming from the closed gate behind me.
"Think positive, sir. Now, your trials will consist of three separate challenges. But before we begin, I'll need your shirt and shoes."
"I don't believe this..." But I'm not going to bother arguing with him. I take off my shirt and shoes, and hand them to Jeeves.
Of course I can't keep my mouth shut, "All right, but like you said, these do cost money." He just glares at me. He *must* be related to Giles and Wesley, I swear these Brits have no sense of humor.
"Hey, how about before we start these tests, could you give me some practice trials? You know, like a practice quiz before the test. Or maybe something like a page of notes that I can use?"
"I've never given information to a challenger before, not that it would help."
Yup, definitely related to Wesley and Giles. 'It's not like you've been any help.' "Okay, well, how many people have passed this test?"
"I have yet to see anyone pass this one, but it is an easy challenge. Once that gate opens, all you have to do is walk through it."
"But there's something I have to get past, right?"
"Yes, but that's all you'll get from me. Good luck, sir."
The 'adviser' disappears like Darla did. I'm starting to look around the room for anything I can use. Easy my ass, especially if you have a guardian.
Then the gate rises and an ugly green demon, wielding a hefty-looking sword and chains wrapped around each of his arms with hooks at the ends, walks in.
"I knew I should have asked if this test was true, false, or multiple choice."
The first thing that Mister Big Bad Brutal and Domination does, is unravel his chains and swing them at me. Thanks to his movements I'm able to anticipate what he's doing and avoid them, barely.
One goes wide, but the other one clips my back. What was that comment I once said? Oh yeah, I laugh in the face of danger, then I hide until it goes away. Sound advice, I think I'll take it.
I begin a retreat to the arched doorways, but it won't do me any good for long. There has to be another way. Think, 'cause Darla's life is on the line.
Oh yeah, so is mine. Ugly doesn't really like the idea of me escaping him on the first shot so he tries again, with the same luck, but with me actually dodging completely this time.
Okay, my valor is being tested, but I can't fight him directly. There's no way I'm getting involved in a macho brawl. He'll kill me.
I run to another arch. Hopefully, he isn't smart. I just need to get him to overextend his reach, then I'm home free. Whoever's up there watching must be on my side, 'cause the dope falls for it.
I may not be athletic material, but I am fast. How else could I have survived living on the Hellmouth? I sprint for the door, ready for the next trial when I feel a funny sensation of flying, then landing down on the floor and being dragged.
That wasn't part of my plan! I look behind me, and see Ugly laughing as he starts to drag me towards him, both of his hands gripping a chain with is wrapped around both of my legs.
How did he know I would try that? Looks like he's full of surprises. So am I, I just need to find some.
Okay, can't use my Jack O'Toole ploy, I need a bomb for that. Anya's not here to help, like when I became a demon magnet. I gotta do something, because I don't like the way he's grabbing his sword.
He unsheathes the weapon, and holds it one hand. Smart and real strong, then he starts to show off, doing all sorts of sword moves like in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'! Where's Indiana Jones when you need him?
But his need for showmanship is a blessing in disguise, 'cause it's giving me the time I need. I frantically try to undo the chains, and…he keeps showing off. Maybe he isn't so smart after all, or he's real confident.
He raises his sword above his head, and brings it down in an arc to my head. Now I have plans for tomorrow, so dying isn't on my list of priorities, and I move out of the way.
Just as the blade clangs onto the floor, I'm gone and I'm trip/running to the arches while I'm trying to come up with plan B, as Ugly pursues me.
With the gain, I have the advantage. I'm going to try something he would never expect. The direct approach.
Once he turns the corner to where I am, I give him a punch to the face with everything I have, connecting with his face. Of course, Ugly is a tough demon 'cause it didn't faze him, and he looks annoyed - shit, looks like this is going to hurt.
"I need to see what's happening. Now," Darla demanded, while standing next to Jeeves in the antechamber.
"Very well," Jeeves said, touching Darla's forehead, and she saw the demon snare Xander's legs in the chains.
"Fascinating."
"Say again?" Darla asked.
"I said 'fascinating'."
"What's so fascinating about seeing this inept moron getting me killed?" she said with bile.
"Really Darla, you must give him a chance," Jeeves said, looking at his pocket watch.
"Call this off, okay? Nobody said anything about me being collateral. As a matter of fact, I don't even remember my agreeing to any of this."
"Now, now, do give him the benefit of the doubt. You have to give him credit, he's already lasted three and a half times longer than the others. Besides, once the tests have started, they can't be stopped."
Ugly first backhands me. Then as I stand stunned, he grabs my shoulders and knees me in the stomach, releasing me. Easy test, my ass.
Rather than continuing to pummel me senseless, he decides to play with me again, and why not? He outclasses me in speed, cunning, strength, skill, and possibly even the Twinkie-eating contest if it ever gets made into an Olympic event.
This time, he holds me with one hand on my throat in a somewhat constricting grip. He doesn't want me dead…yet. Then he throws me against the wall hard, causing me to lose my breath.
The demon then pulls out his chains again. He's serious now. But then again, so am I. As he starts whirling and twirling his chains, I scramble behind a pillar. Ugly laughs, thinking I have nowhere to go.
Maybe he's right, but it's not over until Oprah sings. Okay, bad pun but you get the idea. I try to listen to the whirling chains, trying to hear for the twirling sound to change to a swishy sound while I have my back to the pillar.
My mind goes blank, as I try to tune into the sound. Relax, hear the chain, *be* the chain. What am I thinking? That is such bull!
Like the second wind the hero gets after taking so much punishment.
But before I can continue, my debate is interrupted by the sound of swishing chains.
With my back still against the pillar I get myself into a crouch, the chains wrapping themselves around the pillar and themselves where my body should have been.
It's the break I needed, because Ugly is getting pissed from not being able to unravel the chains. I run like Hell towards the gate, but then I wind up tripping on my own feet.
I do a quick pushup and get to my feet, and then I see something that makes me glad I fell. Wedged into the wall just inches from where I would have been had I not fallen, is Ugly's sword. Looks like my own clumsiness inadvertently saved my life!
But before I can ponder anything else, I hear a growl. A pissed growl. I look at Ugly, who's slowly walking towards me. I just give him an 'I'm in trouble' smile.
"How about we just play 'paper, rock, scissors'?" Why can't I ever say the right thing? I look at the gate and surprise, surprise; it's closed. Like they said in that Mad Max movie, 'two men enter, one man leaves'.
What can I do? Wait, the sword. I put both of my hands on it, and start to pull on it. Sounds a lot easier than it really is, 'cause it's barely budging. Ugly is getting closer, and why do I suddenly feel like Luke Skywalker and Ugly is starting to look like the Wampa?
I put my legs on the wall and pull again, straining myself. Finally, the adrenaline gives me the strength I need to pull out the sword, but the damn thing is heavy.
Now, if I can just swing the thing without falling flat on my back. Ugly finally reaches me and I, using everything I have left, swing the sword and cut him in half.
I drop the sword to the ground and head for the gate, which is still closed. Strange, I beat Ugly, so why isn't the gate opening? There's no reason unless...I turn around, and sure enough Ugly is trying to reattach himself.
I run to the sword, pick it up and chop him in half again. This will get me nowhere, unless I can disable him. But what can I do? The only thing he can do is using his hands on me…of course.
Swinging the blade again, I sever his hands, then I use the sword to spear both his bottom torso and his hands. The next part of my master plan is to then embed the sword into the wall.
Ugly tries in a futile attempt to jump without his legs to try and dislodge the sword, and much to my joy, the gate opens up.
Wonder what the next test could be? Swimming with sharks? Shopping with Cordelia? Sex with Celine Dion?
I hope nothing more physical. Body's feeling like it was used by Faith for her upcoming 'Big Bitch' bout against Buffy.
Oh well, there's only one-way to find out.
"He did it," Darla whispered, half-glad and half-surprised.
"Remarkable how someone with no special abilities was able to pass this trial, and what he did to dispatch the guardian. Very good quick thinking," Jeeves said noncommittally.
All Darla could do was look at Xander, as he stepped through the gate. Maybe he would be able to help her after all. She turned around, and smiled at Jeeves. The butler just raised his eyebrows at her.
I stepped through the gate, and came into a long, dark corridor. About halfway down is a basin on a pedestal. Now, why would that be there? Has to be a reason, but my train of thought is broken again as I see a door at the other end of the corridor.
Hmm, looks like all I have to do is get from point A to Point B. Can't run across, though. This looks like the perfect place for an Indiana Jones clich�trap. I try to look for holes in the walls.
You know, the ones that darts come out of? I'm already halfway through, can't screw up 'cause of overconfidence, but I did it! I finally did something right.
Strange - no holes, what else could there be for traps? And why is it warm in here? Oh well, might as well just start walking…
"OWWW!"
My only option is to jump back, rubbing my left foot. That hurts, goddamn it! No wonder it felt warm in here. Heat panels.
The floor is composed of heat panels! I put my hand against the wall as I ponder what to do, and start dancing again as I rub my hand.
The walls are also composed of heat panels. Talk about originality. Okay, I have to get across, don't want the trial to end in forfeit. So I just do what I've been doing since I left Sunnydale.
I run, concentrating on the door and just the door. It's the only way I can block the pain. Problem is I spend so much time focusing on the door and ignoring the pain that I forget about the basin, my side crashing into it and spilling some of its contents onto the floor and causing me to slip.
I land on the floor full length, screaming in pain and I rise quickly, in a room that's on fire?! How the hell? Snap out of it X-Man, this is gym class, not logic thinking!
I sprint the remaining yards to the door and try to open it, but it won't budge. Great, I can't punch it down like Buffy or Deadboy would, but that doesn't mean I can't punch it in frustration.
Who knows, maybe it might even open? A few seconds later, I'm shaking my fist. Big mistake, this sucker's made of iron. How do I know? Well, my left hand now hurts real badly, for starters.
I really need to get a new brain. This one is going to kill me. Oh well, it could have been worse. How, I have no idea. Looks like I need a key, but where would a key be hidd…oh, man. The basin.
I turn back around and head for the basin and stop just a few yards short of it, 'cause of the fire. How could a fire have started here? I don't smell gas. I need to do this quick.
If I remember right, fire eats up oxygen and this corridor doesn't look like it has much of it. This is going hurt. I run to the firewall and jump over it, and roll back to my feet.
Damn, but it hurts. I head for the basin and immediately plunge my right hand in it, pulling it out as the liquid inside of it bubbles. Oil, boiling oil. No wonder Jeeves had wanted my shirt and shoes!
If I'd had my shirt, I could wrap it around my hand and give myself a few seconds of relief. Oh well, the circumstances force me to do this. I start to push the basin that's surprisingly cool despite the heat and knock it over with the oil, and a key.
Of course, the moment the oil touches the floor everything lights up. Now I don't know if that can really happen, but if it can't then magic is the only explanation. The entire room is starting to turn into an inferno, the flames licking at my body, the heat turning my feet raw.
Don't think X-Man, get the key. I reach over for the key and burn my hand in the process, but I'm not going to stop. I don't want to wind up a Crispy Critter. I need that key, or Darla will become dearly departed, giving Deadboy a real good reason to get me.
Wait a minute, I'll be dead too. Well, he'd probably get me in the afterlife once he's staked. Still, not a beautiful thought.
I grab the key, and the damn thing is burning me. I then run back through the flames with the key and place it in the lock, giving it a twist while saying, "Open sesame." Wonder what the next trial will be?
When she saw Xander fall on the floor and the room starting to burst into flames, Darla looked back at Jeeves, who was eating a cookie. "Do you enjoy making people suffer?" she asked harshly.
"Of course not. I have no feelings about the outcome of this contest. What matters to me is how it is played."
All Darla could do was just continue looking at the contest, where a complete stranger was fighting for her. He had already knocked over the basin with the boiling oil, and the fire was growing.
She turned back to Jeeves. "If you want him dead, why don't you just kill him already? Why the exaggerated death games?"
"Miss, there seems to be a belief that I am biased towards this contest. I'm not; I am just the referee."
A few moments later, Xander was unlocking the door.
"Very impressive for a human," Jeeves said.
Darla just looked at Xander, wondering if there was more to him than she'd originally thought.
I'm hurt bad. No doubt about it, I'm hungry and I'm an idiot. Here I am going through a hot room, and I'm all out of marshmallows. I knew I should've stopped at the convenience store, but NO...
Had to impress my 'date'. I continue walking, groaning in pain with each step. Gotten past third base now. All I need is to beat the catcher, and I'm home free.
It's then that chains shoot out from the ceiling and floor, clamping onto me. When my mouth isn't getting me into trouble, my brain is.
Something's going on. I think the game's fixed. But before I can think anymore, Jeeves comes in clapping his hands.
"Excellent play, old boy. I salute you. No one has ever gotten this far. Of course, there is one final challenge."
The bastard then raised his hand, and from the wall in front of me emerged iron spikes. Row after row of them. Great, this game *was* fixed.
"What the hell is going on?!" I yell, looking at the spikes. Something's dripping off of them. Can't be acid. That would leave smoke from the burning. Could be poison?
If I'm going to die, I might as well die mouthing off. "Spikes? What kind of test is this, if you have to cheat?"
"My good man, I'm shocked. There is no cheating allowed here. It's part of the test."
"So, what, you don't have money riding on the outcome or anything? Let me guess, the only way I pass this last little quiz is if I die, right?"
"Exactly. You do understand - this third test has no trick. Just one solution, and it is one you can't escape from unscathed."
"Little problem there. The previous two trials, the word 'ouch' comes to mind."
"Be that as it may, death is the final challenge. We can't restore one life without taking another. There must be a balance. In order for Darla to live, you must die."
"No loopholes?"
Jeeves just frowns. "Perhaps I should apologize for any discomfort this may be causing. The pain must be unbearable."
"I'm used to it. 'Kick Xander Around' was a real popular sport back home."
"If you say so."
"So, the only way Darla lives is if I die willingly?"
"Yes," the Brit said, then went to the wall and began to pull on a lever. The action resulted in the spike wall moving towards me, slowly. So much for a quickie death. But as abruptly as it started, it stopped.
"What'cha stop for?"
"I can't use this dread contraption without your permission, sir. By passing the trials, you have earned a choice. Accept your death so she can live, or forfeit this particular challenge."
"And if I do choose to walk?"
"She dies. Now would be the time for any reconsiderations."
"Get it over with."
"Very well, but before I do, may I ask you a question? Why are you throwing your life away for her? She's hardly worth saving, let alone capable of handling herself in the world."
For once, I keep my mouth shut. After all, what am I doing? I give up my life to heal her, the first thing she'll do is run back to Angel and give him a happy. There's just no way he would be able to resist her as she would him.
They'll roll around like rabbits and bang, we have Angelus on the loose again. Buffy tends to be weak-minded, so she won't even stake him, even though she's banging GI Joe these days.
But then I remember what Darla told me during the tequila-fest. She was dying at a young age. "She never really got the chance to have a real life."
The thing she did back in colonial Virginia was what she had to do in order to get by, until the next day. She deserves a real life, even if it's at my expense. So I continue to justify my decision...
"Huh, who would miss me? I don't call having those parents I had, unconcerned friends, multiple dead-end jobs, constant humiliation and failure a life - would you?" Great. Sounds like I even convinced myself that all I can see is despair. Death would be a release.
"Just do it. Put me out of my misery."
"Are you sure, young man? You of all people know how the world can be a terrible place. You exit the picture and she takes charge, how long before she takes for granted everything you've done here for her?"
"For crying out loud, Jeeves, will you can the mind games already? I fail or walk out, she dies. I give myself up, she lives. Gee, looks like a tough choice. But my answer is still the same."
"Very well. But keep in mind, she has made no promise to you."
"I trust that she'll make the right choices this time," I whisper, closing my eyes. No, I'm not doing it 'cause I'm scared of looking death in the face. I'm just tired of looking it in the face. Well, the good thing is I'll be able to talk to Jesse again.
"Look, I've had it, and that's my final answer, Jeeves!" I yell with my eyes still closed.
Great, even when facing death I can't keep my mouth shut. Hopefully, the afterlife doesn't have lawyers who'll sue me for making a 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' reference.
Something tells me that if the spikes don't kill me, the poison will and with my luck, it's probably the 'burn the blood' type meaning an agonizing death.
I hear the wall moving towards me, the grinding noise trying to get me to pry my eyes open, possibly to scream in horror or to attempt a futile escape.
But I won't. I need my dignity, and wait to die. So much for me making it to home base.
Darla knew something was up, the moment Jeeves disappeared. But her mind registered it as being of little consequence. She kept both eyes on Xander. He just had to pass this test, and she would be healed.
But what would he want from her in return? Well, okay, it was obvious what he would want. He was a man, after all. But the kid did deserve it, even though she doubted he could handle her...
But her whole world came to a crashing halt, when chains wrapped around him. 'What's this?' she thought.
Then Jeeves came out, applauding him, then explained the circumstances to him.
Darla's heart sank. He had to die for her to live. He would never do it. This stranger would never cut his life short for a whore, who'd treated him with nothing but contempt.
But to her surprise he *was* willing to do it, and the reasons got her thinking. She wasn't stronger than him. He was the superior in that department.
He had to be, in order for him to endure all that pain on a daily basis, and now be ready to exchange it for the peace of death, just so she could get the life that she'd never had.
What kind of person was he? A tear fell down her eye, when he said he trusted her to make the right choice. He trusted her? He didn't even know her, and he wasn't even using her!
The Master had used her to satisfy his hunger, and as a tool. Angelus was using her to redeem himself. Lindsey may have been infatuated with her, but he was still using her for Wolfram and Hart to bring Angelus to the dark side.
In her drunken state he could have done anything to her but he didn't. But her train of thought was broken, when she heard him accept his death.
"No, you can't," she pleaded, hoping that he could hear her. 'I don't deserve what you're doing for me."
"Look, I've had it, and that's my final answer, Jeeves!" he screamed. She lowered her head. He was completely resigned to death, for her.
'And I won't get the chance to tell you I'm sorry for not having faith in you,' she thought. Then the spikes moved towards him. When she was a vampire, she'd loved seeing this type of thing - but now, it horrified her, especially the idea of it happening to him.
She couldn't just watch him die, so all she could do was close her eyes. She waited for the death screams, but heard none.
Eventually, Darla could no longer handle the suspense so she opened her eyes, and saw Xander fully clothed, still chained. He was alive. She ran to him.
Funny...I was expecting my death to be painful, but I didn't feel a thing. Rather, I feel something soft against my chest, embracing me and I hear some whimpering.
Must be an angel. That was quick! Hopefully, there's food around here. I'm starved. I open my eyes to witness the glory of Heaven or wherever people go when they die, and hugging me is an angel.
A blond angel wearing a dark dress…Darla? How did she get here so quickly? But before I can ask her, I hear a familiar voice and some clapping.
"Excellent. You passed the final test. In accepting your death as a sacrifice to her, you were able to do it."
"I'm not dead?" I say, wondering if it was true.
"Not yet, sir."
"Not yet? Then you're here to..."
"Give your companion her prize, yes."
"Good, then heal her of that syphilis already."
Giles and Wesley's 'older brother' then looks from me to Darla, as the chains come off. "You're a very lucky woman. No longer will you suffer from your malignancy, for you have your whole life ahead of you."
He then put both of his hands on the sides of her head, and she closed her eyes. A blue aura emanated from Jeeves' hands, dancing around Darla's head for a few moments, and then it receded.
Jeeves then looked at Darla. "Again, you are very lucky, Darla," he said, looking back at me. "Had he asked for you to be given another chance at life, it would have failed."
"What are you saying?" Darla asked, a little spooked.
"If he had asked for you to be given a second chance, as it were, I couldn't have helped you. You see, Darla; right now, you're living your second chance. However, fortunately, he specified for you to be healed. You were brought back through supernatural means, correct?"
"Yes," she says, in a whimper.
Well, that explains why she's back. I move next to her, wrapping my arms around her as if protecting her. I ask her how she feels.
"I'm fine, just hold me." Her wish is my command. "How do you feel?" she asks.
"Like I'm never gonna eat barbecue rib ever again." What she does then is lightly punch my chest.
"Do you always joke around?" she admonishes me.
"Hey, you asked how I felt..." I look at Jeeves, and I notice he's looking at me and the expression he has on his face is making me uncomfortable.
"As for you, sir, there is still the matter of your reward."
Reward? What the hell is he talking about? As far as I know, the transaction is done unless…shit, I really do have to die to save Darla.
While this idea is sinking through, Jeeves moves next to me and places his right hand to where my heart is and before I know it, the worst pain I've ever felt is coursing through my entire body.
It feels like I'm on fire, and I can't stop screaming in pain.
'Jeeves, you bastard! I'm coming after you. I don't know how I'll be able to do it, but believe me - I will.' I fall to my knees, and now Jeeves is touching the sides of my head like he did with Darla.
I see my life flash before my life. Playing with Jesse, Willow, and Amy. Meeting Buffy, the Master, Spike and Dru, the love spell with Cordelia, Homecoming with Willow, saving Faith, the Bomb, Graduation, my first time with Anya, losing my life. It's then that I see the Magic Box back in Sunnydale, my 'friends' and the imposter.
The imposter is also writhing in pain; blue lightning coursing throughout his body, while Anya just stands horrified.
'Good - if I'm gonna die, at least you're coming with me. Wonderful news, Jeeves; I'm not going to kill you anymore.'
Poor Darla, she's just paralyzed, watching. But then again, wouldn't you? Jesus Christ. It hurts, and just as suddenly as it started, it ends after three minutes.
Looks like I will be dying after all. My breathing's pretty ragged. Oh yeah, I am dying. It's then that I feel my head being cradled in someone's lap.
Who would - oh yeah, Darla, but why? I look at her, and she has tears falling down her eyes. Guess she feels guilty about this.
Losing consciousness fast here.
"Your welcome Darla" I say. I'm terrible with words, but hopefully not this time. At least now, maybe now I'll be at peace.
I wake up in my bed, sweating. I'm alive! It was only a dream. Funny how the alarm clock didn't ring. I look at the time, and it's 3:47 p.m. Sheesh, only an hour to get ready, or the boss is gonna make me sing the Spice Girls.
I get out of bed, still half-asleep and crash into a nightstand. Looks like learning Klingon curses wasn't a waste of time, 'cause that really hurt.
Wait a minute - nightstand?! Hey, I don't own a nightstand!
The pain I inflict on myself hurts so badly that I land back in bed, clutching my right shin, still cursing in Klingon.
This isn't my apartment. Where the hell am I? It's then that I hear someone's voice, "Alexander?"
I look to its source, and I see Darla at the doorway. Looks like it wasn't a dream after all, but how is it that I'm still alive?
She's smiling at me, leading me to believe that I am dreaming. She then walks toward me, arriving at the foot of the bed. "Darla, how…where?"
"You're at the Hyperion hotel, Alexander."
"The what?" I ask. I've never heard of that one.
"I brought you here. You've been out for ten days."
"Ten days?" I've been out for ten days? Oh, I am definitely singing Spice Girls ballads for a week when I show up for work at 'Caritas'.
She placed one of her hands to my face, caressing the beard I now had. Gonna have to get rid of it later.
"My poor baby," she purrs, kissing my cheek. "Going through all of that just for little me..."
"What happened?" I ask, getting up. Why is she acting like this? All caring for a loser like me? I don't want to blow her off, but I need to know. I know something's going on. For one why ain't I dead? She looks at me, without a hint of anger or hurt.
Kind of different from our last morning encounter. She looks like she understands, though.
"That double you had?"
I don't like the sound of this. Wait a minute, how did she know?
"It was you. It wasn't a demon like you thought. Somehow, you were split in two. He got the best qualities, while you..."
"...got the worst." I finish for her. All this time, it - he - was also me. "How do you know all this?"
"After you lost consciousness, Jeeves told me what had happened to you. I still can't believe you were able do what you did, especially since you had the…bad qualities."
"Just goes to show I'm just full of surprises. So, what exactly did 'Big British Flag-On-His-Butt' do?"
"According to him, he restored you. The both of you."
"Meaning?" I ask her.
"You're back to your old self, as well as your brother."
There's still two of me?!?! Man this morning just keeps getting better and better. Next thing you know, my parents will be treating me like I really am their son. But that still doesn't explain how I got here. "I know you brought me here but how...my car. What about my car?"
The girl I championed just smiles. "I brought you here. Except for country music everything would have been fine, except with the part of Angelus trying to kill you."
"What?!" I knew it. He still hated me, but now that I think about it, I just dislike him.
"Seems that he thought you were a demon, given what the Slayer had told him about what had happened."
"What did you do?" I asked, curious.
"I told him that I'd stake him, the moment he tried anything. The same for his friends. I owed you, Alexander."
"You owe me nothing, Darla. It's, uh, just in my nature to do what I did."
"Well if you want my opinion that wasn't bad for a first date" she said.
Everything was silent for a few moments while that comment sunk in when she spoke again. "Oh, by the way your friends are here," she adds. 'Gotta be the Scooby Gang. What could they want?'
"What do they want?" I say. They probably want to apologize, then we'll go back to the Hellmouth and I'll be right back to square one.
Only with new problems, like which Xander is which now? Who gets the bed? Who's the original 'cause if I was restored, then the other me must have been as well. Hell, which one of us will be called Xander, and what will the other one be called? Who will Anya want to be with?
Okay, not a problem in that I sure as hell don't want to be with her anymore. She did try to kill me. But then there's the matter of home, job, and the toothbrush...oh man.
Might as well go and face them. I look at Darla, and she just looks at me.
"What?" she says.
"I uh, need to shower," I say nervously.
She cheerfully responds, "Great. So do I." She then walks toward the shower, and turns it on. Then she kicks off her slides and starts to slowly remove her turquoise dress, but then stops.
"Alexander," she says in a cheerful, melodious voice, "can you please help me with my dress? The zipper seems to be stuck."
"Uh…Darla, I don't think..." It's then that I notice her get a little annoyed.
"Alexander, don't think. Just do what I tell you."
Oh boy. Then I smile at her. What choice do I have? I better help her get showered, or she'll probably kick my ass again.
After a very interesting shower, I got dressed (which also took a little while) and shaved. No matter how hard I try, I can't get any beard or goatee to look right. Hand in hand, Darla led me down the stairs of Angel's hotel.
I might as well face my so-called friends. As we reach the lobby, I hear some arguing coming from what looks like an office area. I listen to the voices, and it's the Angelites and Scoobies all right.
"He's coming back home with us. He needs to be with his friends..." That sounds like Buffy.
"No he's not! I don't know what he's done to her, but Darla refuses to leave his side. He goes to Sunnydale, she'll go too. And I need to watch over her on account of Wolfram and Hart, so he stays here in LA." Gee Angel, I didn't know you cared.
"That's right Peaches, can't stand having Darla follow Xander around like a lovesick puppy, can you? OW, you wanker, that hurt!"
"Spike, shut up. For once, I gotta agree with Deadboy. It would be just too weird with two of me…us, there." Has to be my 'brother'.
"No! We have to bring him back with us. Having sex with one Xander is fun. Just think how much more fun it'll be, with two of them!" Oh, God. Anya.
I then feel Darla start to yank me along, as she walks forward. Uh oh, trouble brewing.
She must be pissed. Of course, hearing another girl announce that she's moving into your territory will do that. But she doesn't understand that Anya's well, Anya. It's not my fault she became an overaffectionate and uninhibited nympho, when she lost her vengeance demon powers.
I pull her back to me and give her a well-meaning kiss to calm her down and it seems to work, because she just melts into my arms, throwing her arms around me.
It hits me then, I want nothing to do with these…strangers. They don't know me anymore.
All of them are treating me like an object, or doing what they believe is right for me without asking yours truly what he may want. I just want a life, and it looks like Darla wants to be with me.
I break the kiss, and taking her hand, I lead her to the hotel's entrance. We're checking out. It's Angel's fault for not having a doorman, if he's expecting payment for our stay.
I quietly open the door and bring her close to me once again for another kiss, a passionate one. Then, we walk out into the streets of Los Angeles. There's a certain green-skinned singing anagogic demon I have to thank, and a car to recover…
Xander Harris wondered if he was either blessed or cursed in life. A year had passed since that day in the Hyperion. Although he'd had nothing to do with it, the look that Deadboy always gave him would have killed the boy if it were possible.
Like it was his fault that his 'brother' and Darla had just walked out and disappeared? There was no way he deserved the blame for that.
Him and Anya hadn't lasted much longer, either. She just couldn't handle the fact that his 'brother' had dumped her for Darla, so she left him for Giles. Talk about disturbing.
That would have been it for him in the love line if Glory hadn't been defeated. Because he was the one that had stripped her of most of her powers, she had developed an unhealthy interest in him, telling him it had something to do with him being the only one worthy of her. It wouldn't be that bad except for the fact that Faith was back in town after serving time and also wanted him as well. Of course mix up two strong, borderline psychotics fighting over him and you have a nice wonderful mess. It was just driving him crazy. Every time Glory or Faith would come over to see him, the other would arrive on the scene leading to another fight breaking out, with him getting caught in the middle and each of the girls blaming each other for his injuries. And neither girl was interested in sharing. To top it off, the landlord had increased his apartment's deposit for the fifth time this year. Sometimes he wondered where his "brother" was and if he could bribe him to hide him out.
Oh well, it was dinner time, and right now he was wondering which girl would be in his apartment cooking before she attempted to seduce him leading to his deposit going up again. He parked his car and walked inside the complex, getting his mail in the process. "Bills, bills, ooh, the newest Babylon 5 plate with Ivanova.…Oh my Lord, and it's the special Ivanova version. Hello, what's this?"
It was a postcard from Oahu, Hawaii. Funny, he didn't know anyone in Hawaii. Xander turned it over to read it.
Hey there bro,
Sorry I haven't written in a year, but there's probably a very pissed Vampire with a soul looking for me. Just to let you know, don't worry about me, I'm doing fine. Darla also says hi. Thing is, we just got married about a week ago, and guess what? We already have a little rugrat on the way! Write us, because even after all that's happened, you're still family. (And the beach is nice as well)
Sincerely and XOXO from Darla,
Alexander and Darla Harris
P.S. Do us both a favor, and don't let any of the others know where we are, please.
Xander Harris just looked at the postcard, and wondered how Angel would react to how Alexander and Darla were doing. "Wonder if he'll stake himself?"