Making a Man Out of Xander

Author: Eddie29456 <tc40sbenn[at]>

Rating : NC17, so no one downloads this at work

Authors Note: Many great Buffy stories include sexuality as a guide to the innermost feelings of the characters, saying through actions feeling that would take far too much verbal description. This is not one of those stories. Check out Lori Bush's "Cure" series for that.

Dawn, Buffy, Kennedy, and Anya stared as the top heavy brunette, dressed only in men's boxer shorts, waived and said "Hi, guys, gotta pee," and stepped into the bathroom. As Willow's head came around the door to her, which the underdressed brunette had come from on her way to the bathroom, the four girls stared at her.

"Willow," bellowed Kennedy.

"It's not what you're thinking. Well, unless you're thinking I was upset about Xander's 'Gay me up' remark and turned him into a woman, in which case, it is what you're thinking . . ."

"You took away Xander's penis? I liked Xander's penis! Just because I'm mad at Xander doesn't mean I'm mad at his penis!" Anya effectively communicated her dismay.

"You slept with him didn't you," Kennedy accused.

"Well, her, technically. And I had to. Somebody," Willow paused and glared at Anya, " told Xander women suffered psychological distress without five episodes of sex per day. He asked me, and I said no, and then he asked me how to masturbate, and I was too embarrassed to tell him, so . . . "

"He lied to you," said Anya.

"What," said Willow, "you didn't tell him women get grumpy if they don't make love five times a day?"

"Well, actually I did tell him that. No, what I meant was, Xander has watched me masturbate several times. So his asking you like he didn't know how to was a lie."

"Xander watched you masturbate," Buffy asked.

"You never showed your boyfriends how to give you orgasms? Did that result in good performance?"

Buffy decided the topic needed to change.

"I think you've moved off topic here. Change him back, Willow," Dawn ordered.

"I've tried, it doesn't work," Willow admitted.

"Why not," Buffy asked.

"I don't know."


The buxom Xander wandered out of the bathroom.

"Are you okay," Anya asked.

"Willow bit a little hard and one of my nipples is sore. Wanna kiss it and make it better."


"Xander, go put on a shirt," ordered Willow.

Xander went into Willow's bedroom.

"And some pants," bellowed Willow.

"What's the matter," Giles asked.

"Willow turned Xander into a girl," Buffy said.

"And then she slept with him," Kennedy said.

"And now she can't turn him back," Buffy said.

"So she'll probably keep sleeping with him," Kennedy continued.

"You have to fix it," Buffy finished.

Xander came out of the bathroom in pants and a shirt. "So, Giles, what do you think of the new me?"

"I think you need to be changed back. I think life without a social security number, driver's license, or job will be difficult."

Giles, Xander, and Willow adjourned to another room.

Kennedy said, "We have to get Xander changed back!"

Buffy, in a slight dig at the other girl, mused, "I don't know, he left the toilet seat down."

Several long, Boring rituals later, Giles was finished.

"So, Wills, what say we get started on our today's five daily helpings?"

"A good idea," Giles said. Willow stared at Giles as if he'd given her a new car. "You go have breakfast, I need to talk to Willow for a few minutes."

After Xander left, Willow said, "Xander didn't actually mean . . . "

"But now," Giles interrupted, "he's thinking about food instead of sex. He's not likely to think about both of them at the same time."

"If that were true, we'd still have chocolate sauce."

"Anyway, the problem is, Xander is too happy. He needs to have some reason he really wants to be a guy."

"What can I do?"

"You could stop sleeping with Xander."

"What could I do instead?"


"But she's Xander."


"And she's cute."


"Didja see the rack . . ."


"Okay, okay."

Giles gathered Willow, Buffy, Anya, and Dawn. Kennedy was there, glowering at Willow. "The problem seems to be, Xander is scared of women now. And since the only woman he trusts who wants him wants him only if he's a woman . . . "

"I want him as a man," said Anya. "Well, not like that . . . "

"Xander . . . seems to have some trust issues with you, Anya."

"You did try to kill him," said Dawn.

"So did Willow. But he's okay with her. Willow flays people alive, because she's mad, tries to kill him along with the rest of the world, including me, and he's all 'I love you Willow,' but I try to kill him one time because he's a total bastard and he's like 'I don't trust you.' What the hell!"

"Yes, well sometimes the human psyche is odd. Anyway, with Willow, er, having less contact," Kennedy barked a short laugh, "Xander should revert to his natural gender on his own in, oh, about a week, perhaps."

"A week? Giles, we don't have bathroom space for another girl for a week! Change him quicker!" Buffy was as emphatic as someone truly vertically challenged could be.

"Buffy, Xander has to want to change. Running to check on Spike instead of Xander when Xander was stabbed has him somewhat, er, unhappy."

Buffy glared into her mirror in her room. ** Stupid Xander. Stupid Willow. Stupid Giles. I can't have another girl here. Plus, my Xander shaped friend isn't Xandershaped any more. I want him back. I can make him want to be a guy. **

Buffy began to apply makeup with the intent of seduction.

Dawn moped in her bedroom. ** I want Xander back as a guy. I'll bet I can convince him. Where's that book? **

Kennedy glared at Willow. "After all that 'Tara' talk, Xander comes along and you go along."

"Kennedy, it wasn't like that. Xander needed me, and it was my fault he's . . . "

"Oh, so you didn't enjoy yourself."

"Well, Xander's not in touch with his new body, completely, so it wasn't as . . . good as it could have been."

"Right. You wouldn't feel betrayed if I slept with Xander, then."

"Suddenly struck by an idea, Willow said, "If that's what it takes to get over this, I'll tell her to do it. You. Whatever. If that's what it takes."


A nervous Buffy checked her hair, teeth, makeup, and underarms again. ** I am not manipulating Xander. I am telling him, and showing him, how important he is to me. ** She knocked softly on the door to Xander's room. "Hey, Xand."

The door opened. "Hi, Buff, c'mon in."

Buffy closed the door behind her. "So, gotta room to yourself?"

"The potentials wouldn't share, I wouldn't share with Andrew, and Kennedy growled at me when I asked Willow."

"I understand. Most people are probably wigged. I'm . . . surprised at how disturbed I am."


"Yah, well, the thought that 'Xander's not wearing a shirt' is no longer quite the thrill it was."

"Thrill, huh?"

"The high points of several days. But now, well, we're still friends, right?"


"Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight, Buffy."

Buffy went to her room.

Dawn crept from her room, her book, paper, and visual aid in her hand.

"Xander . . . we need to have 'The Talk.'"

After Dawn left, a shaken and disturbed Xander answered the door to a flustered Willow.

"Xander, Kennedy's upset we slept together, so sleep with her to make it up to her, ok, thanks, bye."

The redhead's face was nearly redder than her hair as she went down hall toward her room. ** Sorry, Xander, ** she thought.

"So, you enjoy being a girl. With girls," Kennedy said, her voice somehow predatory.

Looking at herself in the mirror while removing her makeup, Buffy thought, ***That made Xander want to be a man, I hope.**

Looking at Kennedy's fierce grin and unfocused eyes after her return, Willow thought **That made Xander want to be a man, I think.**

Looking at the tampon, set of tampon instructions, and book entitled "What Every Girl Should Know", Dawn thought, ** That made Xander want to be a man, I know.**