Faith: "I can't believe you're going to side with Buffy!" I state angrily walking ahead of him. "God, let's just go, we've been patrolling for over three hours and have come up with nothing! I'm fed up..."
Xander: "Well, what did you expect me to do?" I sigh, following Faith, "She doesn't want Angel in the apocalypse... and... neither do I."
Faith: "And there you go sounding all holier than thou, guess where you got that from? You make it sound like I want Angel to get hurt..."
Xander: I give her a look at her words, trying to stay calm, "I didn't say that. Personally, I just don't like the guy."
Faith: I keep walking, remaining about five paces ahead of him deciding to do a final sweep across the last five blocks and then call it a night. I'm tired, and definitely not in the mood. "I know you don't," I snap. He knows how I feel about him and it's a touchy subject.
Xander: I follow her, trying to catch up. Why do I even bother, everything I say comes out wrong anyway. "Sorry, Faith..." I mumble.
Faith: "Whatever," I answer shortly, "let's just finish up… and you are sleeping on the couch tonight," I say glancing back towards him and barely managing to hold onto a straight face.
Xander: "I can't say anything right tonight, can I?" I ask her. "The couch?" I ask quickly, "Why?"
Faith: I shrug without turning to look at him - if I had, he'd see the huge smile that I can't keep off of my face when he gets all defensive and upset when he knows he didn't do anything.
Xander: "Faith... The couch?!" I ask.
Faith: The smile sudden disappears in an instant as I hear a blood curdling scream escape from a nearby alley. "Shit." The word escapes my lips in what Xander calls, 'the you voice' and I take off knowing he'll follow me. It's weird, but I still occasionally have to glance back to make sure he does - emotionally separation issue I guess...
Xander: I look to the scream and watch Faith as she takes off towards the alley. I follow her quickly, barely keeping up. I hear the scream again as we get there a vampire is feasting on a younger woman.
Faith: I enter into the alley and stop seeing a vamp feasting on a woman's neck. She can't be any older than me, and I don't realize it till I pull out my stake, but it's kind of wiggin me out. "Yo!" I yell over to the vamp who picks his head up in my direction quickly.
Xander: I gasp softly for air as Faith fights the vampire.
Vamp: "Fuck off, whore!" he yells over to Faith.
Faith: I glance down at my attire as though I actually needed to worry about what a fucking vamp thought of me - yet again, another emotionally issue. God, I've gotta start working on those. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" I ask approaching him confidently.
Vamp: "I did more than kiss her," he answers with a disgusting glare over at me and I can tell he's looking me up and down. The woman continues to gasp, holding her neck and looking from Faith to the vampire.
Faith: "Let her go!" I yell over to the vamp. The chicks in bad shape, I can tell from here.
Vamp: "Okay," he answers with a grin.
Faith: Before I can even scream he grabs both sides of her face and quickly snaps her neck.
Xander: I feel nauseous at the scene before my eyes.
Faith: I practically gag at the all too familiar sound that sends a shutter through my body. I watch her body fall and hit the ground with a thud then there is little more than rage going through my veins as I attack the vamp screaming and cursing as I do so.
Xander: I watch Faith pound at the vampire wildly, I can almost feel how effected she is by what happened.
Faith: He's an older vamp - I can tell by the way he fights, what he's wearing, and his confidence. Either way, I can't stand him. I punch and kick him savagely almost losing my shit as I do so - I finally dust him quickly knowing if I fought another second I was going to lose it, and that's not something I want to happen. I shake my head as he disappears into a cloud of dust and I try and steady myself before Xander comes over. I just had to deal with that, I don't want to have to explain it too.
Xander: I quietly approach Faith, putting my hand on her shoulder, "You okay?"
Faith: "Let's go." My sentence is sharp and demanding and I feel like I have tunnel vision as I stare straight ahead wanting to just get out of there. "Now." He doesn't seem to be understanding the urgency of getting out of there - but I understand it a little too well. You don't want to stick around long in an alley with a viciously murdered chick in it - especially when you're me.
Xander: I turn with her to go, but then I hear a small cry, "Wait... there's someone else."
Faith: I hear him say something but not only is my vision tunneled, so is my hearing. I don't care anymore - I just want to go home.
Xander: I separate from Faith and call again, sharper so she hears me, "Wait, Faith." I follow the sound.
Faith: I just want to be home but his words are sharper so I turn quickly towards him, "what?"
Xander: "There's someone else..." I tell her. I find a wrapped child by the dumpster where the young girl was murdered, "God..." I whisper, picking up the kid.
Faith: "Sorry, Xand, I'm not really good at the whole comfort speech. I killed the vamp, any friend who saw... it's a therapists lucky day." I'm nonchalant and uncaring as I turn back towards the main street.
Xander: "She had a kid, Faith..." I say, rushing to catch up with her, with the baby in my arms.
Faith: I stop short and wait for him to catch up not really believing what he just said. I see the kid, no, the baby, he's got in his arms and my throat tightens so painfully tight that I can barely keep myself from grabbing at it. I clench my jaw and shrug not knowing how else to handle myself without screaming, or falling onto the floor crying. "Whatever."
Xander: I glance from the infant in my arms to Faith, "What do we do though... with him?"
Faith: "Go play catch and teach him how to ride a bike," I answer flatly and my tone is *harsh*, but not necessarily because I wanted it to be, it was the only tone I could use without my voice cracking.
Xander: I don't understand what Faith is going through but she continues to walk and I follow her closely, maybe she just needs rest.
Faith: I unlock the door, all four locks (Xander special, can't you tell?) and push it open kind of hard. Well, I guess it was more than kind of when I'm greeted by the huge slamming sound of the door against the wall and I can hear a few things fall down. My bad, I think shrugging inwardly. I walk in and right past the light - I never turn it on. Yup, emotionally you know what, definitely working on them... tomorrow. I turn towards Xander, hearing him mumbling something under his breath and I just look at him for a second.
Xander: I sigh at her mood, still holding the kid in my arms as I turn on the light and check out the dent I have to repair in the wall before closing the door gently behind me.
Faith: He's locking the door behind him and he finally turns back and sees me looking at him.
Xander: I look up to Faith, locking the door, "Okay... I think I'm getting that you're angry."
Faith: My stomach is in absolute knots! Angry? This is not me angry. I don't answer him, I just look down and pull of my leather jacket tossing it onto the couch.
Xander: "Maybe I should just not say words, ever." I comment aloud to myself.
Faith: I distract my head for a second by getting angry at him for not noticing all night that I'm wearing the shirt he got me last week. It's a nice, simple, white, halter-top and I really liked it. I'm brought back to reality hearing him yelling at himself so I can hear. I roll my eyes and make sure I sigh loud enough for him to hear me and I walk towards the fridge.
Xander: The infant started to cry at the tension in the room. I look confused at what to do, how to help the baby, stop the crying.
Faith: I pull out two Corona's and slide one into the freezer and take the other one and just open it. I hear the kid start crying and I roll my eyes again and open the fridge and put two more Corona's into the freezer - it's going to be a long night.
Xander: "Faith... could you maybe... help me?" I ask, looking bewildered at the kid cries louder.
Faith: "I help you out with... a lot of your problems," I answer looking down at the crotch of his jeans then I glance back up and point over to the crying kid, "that's not one of them. Kid's don't like me." I practically choke out the last phrase as my throat burns hearing the poor kid screaming. He probably misses his mom already. I'm sure my face is turning bright red so I quickly turn away from them and walk into the bedroom. I take huge gulps from my beer and upon entering my bedroom I slide my cigarettes off of the bedside table and quickly light one up.
Xander: "Well obviously they don't like me either." I state, trying to ignore how she looked at me. - Trying to ignore how that turns me on. Right now I'm more concerned about Faith... and this kid.
Faith: "Closest thing I ever came to being a nanny was dressing up like one for some guy once, so..." I say as I exhale the dark grey smoke. I know Xander doesn't like when I talk like that and I really do regret it as soon as I say it but luckily I don't have to see his face when he hears it. That's punishment enough.
Xander: I glance to Faith, smoking and drinking, two things that already made me uneasy, "That's nice..." I say sarcastically, "You gonna tell me how good he was in bed now?" I can't help snapping.
Faith: I clench my jaw even tighter then I had it before, now it causing sharp pains to go through my face. I swallow down the lump in my throat at hearing the anger in his voice and I pretend to be indifferent - gee, how unlike me... "You wanna know?" I ask finally glancing over at him with a spiteful glare.
Xander: "Truthfully, no." I reply firmly. I try to rock the infant to calm him.
Faith: I shrug as though he's missing out on something - other than an explanation that's no more than ten words and probably would take longer to say than the event did itself.
Xander: "God... Faith... Would you just stop acting as if I've done some horrible crime?" I ask, "I'm trying to help... and I don't know what to do."
Faith: I take a few final gulps from the beer emptying it completely. I glance over at the clock - new record. I don't know what's gotten into me but the threat in his tone - I doubt now there even was any but something set me off. "I... I've never been... up... with people before," I mock viciously. "Gotta love a man who can admit when he doesn't have a clue, I guess." I get up off of the bed and head for the kitchen again opening the freezer and removing another beer. It's barely colder than it was when I put it in considering it's been five minutes at the most.
Xander: I feel hurt at her words, sighing heavily, "Fine... fine... have fun with that drink as a conversation piece."
Faith: "Oh don't get pissed off," I say since I feel really bad for what I said. Yeah, that's an apology...
Xander: "Why shouldn't I?" I ask, angry now. God, what is wrong with her tonight? I apparent can't do anything right tonight.
Faith: I walk over to him from behind and I push my face against his while holding his waist in my hands. I don't say anything but I needed to touch him, anything, I just needed to know for sure that he was still there and he was still him. The kid starts to scream even louder and I pull away from him and head back to the bedroom sipping at my beer again.
Xander: I sigh heavily, missing the touch desperately, "Shhh." I say to calm the infant as if that will work.
Faith: I sit on the bed leaning my back up against the wall and light another cigarette sheltering my head in my hands to try and block out the screaming. The sound is way too familiar for me to deal with - a time in my life that I just don't want to remember.
Xander: "Please... Shhh." I'm practically begging the kid to understand what I'm saying, or hoping that he gets so tired from screaming that he'll rest for a while.
Faith: I make the mistake of closing my eyes to escape the sound but the images are worse than any sound you could ever hear. I see the woman, the woman that was *my* age fall to the ground in a lifeless heap.
Xander: The infant's screams die down from tiredness as he starts to relax in Xander's arms and fall asleep, "Yeah... that's good."
Faith: I hear the accompanied snapping noise and I practically jump. I've heard that sound so many times in my life - more times than anyone can imagine. Most of the time it was a vamp - was my favorite method for a while - but there were other victims to that too. I shudder at force myself to stare out of the window or at the wall or the floor, anything... The kid starts to quiet down and I start to fidget in anticipation for Xander to come back in.
Xander: I let the kid rest on a mattress I had slept on in the living room and make sure he's comfortable before I go to see Faith in the bedroom.
Faith: I feel like I can't breathe - he's having a hard time too, so I can't make it worse for him. I'm not like that. I'm fortunate enough to have him, I'm not about to add to his baggage too.
Xander: I look to Faith and climb onto the bed next to her, opening my arms for her.
Faith: "What?" I ask looking over at him offering to hold me. I'm a lot of things, predictable isn't one of them.
Xander: "I thought you wanted to..." I lower my arms by my sides, "I guess not."
Faith: I don't let myself look into his eyes because then he'd know how close I was to crying. I take another drink and another drag at my cigarette. I finally turn to him with a mock smile and then obnoxiously exhale the smoke into his face waiting for his reaction. I definitely never grew up after six years old - I still get off on pissing people off.
Xander: I lower my head, not looking at her, but I can feel the hurt building up inside.
Faith: Guys got will power, gotta give him that. I want him to just scream at me - make this situation much easier and on much more familiar ground for me so I push it a little bit more. I take another sip of beer then lean over closer to him so I can talk right near his ear. "You know I only charged the guy thirty bucks for the nanny outfit." I can practically feel the anger boiling over as I glance back over at him waiting for him to just explode.
Xander: Half of me want to shake her senseless and scream and cry, but I'm not going to give her what she wants, "He didn't appreciate it a tenth of much that I could." I tell her firmly, tears rimming my eyes as I look her in the eyes.
Faith: I can hear how much he's holding his jaw as he talks to me trying desperately not to snap and he's just making it so much harder for me not to cry. Why the hell can't he just scream or yell, or... I can't take sitting there anymore - I don't want to cry, I don't want to cry, I don't want to cry, I don't wan tot cry. I stand up quickly and head for the kitchen muttering, "I don't fuck you that way."
Xander: I pull her close to me as she leaves, kissing her hard and fast, "No... that's good to know." I whisper.
Faith: I take a deep breath and close my eyes fighting back the tears in them. It's so hard. "I need another beer," I mutter walking away from him and towards the kitchen. I wipe my face once he's behind me and can't see the tears I'm wiping away.
Xander: "Faith... Don't ignore me, please?" I ask her.
Faith: I walk quickly over to the fridge as though grabbing that beer is going to instantly make everything just go away. Beer doesn't work as instantly as other things - but I don't do that anymore. See, there are a few issues I've actually dealt with.
Xander: I stop her hand from grabbing the beer, "Faith... please..."
Faith: "I'll suck ya dry for thirty bucks too," I spit viciously looking into his pained expression as I pull my hand out of he grip.
Xander: I look angry at that, grabbing the wallet in my back pocket I throw it at her feet, "Yeah... that at least would be better then what you're doing now."
Faith: "what am I doing now?" I ask immediately feeling more comfortable now that he's mad - wow, even I see how fucked up that is.
Xander: "Other then next to completely ignoring me, as you have been doing this whole night anyway, you mean?" I snap.
Faith: "Yeah," I answer with a wicked smile crossing my features. Fighting - this is emotion I can handle, hell, I'm a bloody expert! Lifetime of practice...
Xander: "Maybe I should just show you." I say grabbing the beer from her hand and taking a gulp, nearly choking on it, "Want me to suck you dry now?" I reply cynically in a hoarse voice.
Faith: I can't help but laugh... I light another cigarette and sit on the counter with my legs dangling down nonchalantly. I see the pure anger painted across his face and just needing to play on such a vulnerable emotion, I grin, "if you want to," I say in a sultry voice spreading my legs apart as I sit on the counter. I laugh and take another drag before closing them and just sitting there and laughing childishly.
Xander: I take the cigarette from her hand and put it out on a nearby plant and kiss her, rushed and fiercely, my hands clenching her hips firmly as I run kisses down her neck, nibbling at the skin on my way down. I forcefully push down her pants, "Is this how you want me, Faith? Is it?"
Faith: "Stop it," I say quickly not able to keep my voice from cracking as I yell at him. I slide off of the counter and quickly fix my pants and walk angrily away from him towards the bedroom biting at my lower lip nervously.
Xander: I follow her closely, "I thought you wanted that... isn't it?" I ask her, angry, grabbing her arm to stop her from rushing away from me.
Faith: I desperately try to catch my breath but I gasp as he grabs me again. "No," I answer nervously looking pleadingly into his face, "not funny, Xander." I'm shaking, visibly from a mile a way I'm sure.
Xander: "If you want me to be just like any other guy to you, I will." I tell her, a little softer at her shaking, "But I'd rather not." My grip loosens on her arms.
Faith: "Okay," I answer submissively - probably about the most submissive he's ever heard me sound - as I scratch at my neck nervously. I turn my face away from him and wipe a stray tear off of my cheek quickly.
Xander: "Okay, what?" I ask, "You want me to get off first?" I know I'm just being mean now, but I can't help being hurt.
Faith: I try to calm my breathing but I'm ready to pass out at this point - my legs are unsteady and shaking and I can hardly feel them. My whole body feels numb except for my burning throat. "Stop," I plead shaking my head.
Xander: "Stop? Stop what Faith?" I ask her, now tearful myself, "Stop loving you... I'm trying to help, damnit. How do you want me?"
Faith: My legs finally give out from underneath me and the only thing keeping me from slamming to the floor is him holding my arm. My legs buckle under me and I gasp unsure of myself or what's going on or what's going to happen. The fear is quickly masked by anger but I know he's seen me - there's no way he missed how scared I was... and how easily at that.
Xander: I pull her back up, holding her to keep from falling, "Faith..." I say softly, far more concerned now. I pull her into my arms gently, "God, I'm so sorry." I whisper.
Faith: "Don't touch me," I snap regaining my balance and pulling away from him and walking away.
Xander: I know I went too far with my comments, I shake my head, so unsure, wanting to break apart, or scream, or cry, or something. I just sit in the middle of the floor trying to catch my breath, desperately.
Faith: I know I asked for it but it doesn't make me feel any less like a pile of shit. I sit on the edge of the bed and quickly light another cigarette. I throw the empty carton in the direction of the garbage and inhale the toxic smoke deeply. As the carton hits the garbage, on the side of it causing it to knock over it rolls and hits the bedside table making a fairly loud crash. At any other time I probably wouldn't have even bothered to hear it but as the cries from the living room fill the house again I groan at yet another stupid thing I did tonight.
Xander: I pick up the kid, and can't feel any effort to calm him down. I just feel numb.
Faith: I hear Xander picking up the kid in the other room - the kid doesn't stop crying but it's a lot less hysterical sounding.
Xander: I close my eyes for a moment, trying to breathe, trying to calm myself and the infant down when all I feel like doing is crying.
Faith: I take a few more seconds to make sure I'm breathing alright and I stand up and walk into the living room leaning against the wall and watch him cradling the kid in his arms. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it… hell, I don't think I've ever seen a guy hold a kid!
Xander: "Shhh... I manage to say softly to the little boy, rocking him gently, pushing the hair away from his face. He slowly started to calm down.
Faith: I take a deep breath then make myself walk over to him. I look down at the little baby he's holding, he's precious, then I glance up quickly into his eyes. Yeah, it's pretty obvious I'm about to cry, but if I don't look at him it's going to be a definite.
Xander: "Yeah… that's good..." I tell the infant before I look to Faith.
Faith: "Sorry," I mutter barely audibly as I look down at his chest rather than his eyes. Apologies are few and far between… being genuine, even farther. Add to that having to look at the person and you're looking at an all time *never*. Like I said, I'll start on those issues tomorrow.
Xander: "Its okay, Faith." I say softly, calmly.
Faith: I glance back up to see his face to see his reaction. I said I was comfortable in a fight, I never said I liked the aftermath of them though... especially when they ended up the way this one did. There're certain things about my life that I don't want Xander to have to connect with me... Yeah, picture this, me worried about a guy thinking less of me. My face softens slightly at his compassion and I reach forward and gently take the baby out of his arms.
Xander: My face has softness instead of anger, I help put the infant into her arms, relief going through my body.
Faith: It starts to cry louder but I pull it up to my chest and rest it's head in the crook of my neck softly. I breathe down softly onto it's soft skin and then inhale the sweet smell of the baby.
Xander: I watch Faith with the baby boy. The image itself is breathtaking. I put my arms around the both of them, kissing Faith right above her temple softly.
Faith: It starts to just hum it's cry rather than scream it and I sit down carefully on the couch. I haven't held anything so innocent in so long. I feel the warm tears streaking down my cheeks and I rest my lips on the soft forehead of the baby with just a few stray, soft hairs on it. I've never felt anything like it - a baby in my arms and the best guy I've ever known with his arms wrapped around me.
Xander: I don't want to disturb the image of the two of them, I sit beside her. I'm sure I look in awe, "You two are so beautiful." I can't help but whisper as I hold closely to her.
Faith: I look up into his eyes laughing softly at what he just said to me. I lean over to him and kiss him softly on his lips.
Xander: I smile at this... probably looking way too happy as I return the kiss softly.
Faith: I lean on his chest careful not to hurt the baby and I whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry... I kind of wigged out before."
Xander: "I know... it's okay... I kinda did too." I tell her softly taking a breath.
Faith: "You know I love you, right?" I ask looking him straight in the face needing to hear him confirm everything I felt.
Xander: "I know." I nodded to her, looking into her eyes, "I love you too, Faith... you know that..." I insist gently. Faith: "Sometimes I let myself forget," I admit with a pensive sigh.
Xander: I rub her arm gently, "Well, I do..." I pause, "Loving you means loving all of you... taking the good with the bad."
Faith: "There's a lot more bad than good," I admit looking up at him.
Xander: "Not the way I look at it." I reply.
Faith: I glance down at the baby and he's close to falling asleep.
Xander: I run my fingers through Faith's hair as the baby falls asleep, "Long day..." I mumble softly.
Faith: "Look at him," I say softly looking down at the precious baby.
Xander: I glance down at the child, "He's pretty incredible isn't he?"
Faith: "He's so young and sweet... and alone." I close my eyes as I say the last part, "did you see what that vamp did?" Disgust starts to creep into my tone again and I can barely stand the bile taste in my mouth.
Xander: "I saw." I say softly, "But he's not alone... He doesn't have to be."
Faith: "His mother's dead." I state flatly, "I know what that feels like."
Xander: I'm not sure what to say, "I know, Faith..." I say gently.
Faith: "I'm tired…" I explain swallowing the tears down.
Xander: "Do you want to sleep?" I ask softly, rubbing her arm gently.
Faith: I nod finally succumb to the crushing weight I feel boring down on top of me. It's been a long night - and not one of those long nights in a good way...
Xander: I brush Faith's hair back from her face, "Then we'll sleep." I tell her softly.
Faith: I stand up still holding the baby carefully almost scared to indulge in feeling his soft heartbeat against my skin. He's the softest thing I've ever felt - it's almost indescribable. I reach over to Xander and tug gently on his sleeve and smile softly up into his eyes - I don't deserve him in so many ways.
Xander: I let out a breath at the image of just the two of them, I can tell something is hurting inside of her, but part of me is just so happy that it's beyond this. That maybe I could have a family. I smile gently to Faith when she tugs at my sleeve.
Faith: "Come on," I encourage lightly turning towards the bedroom. I feel my pack of cigarettes about to fall out of my back pocket and I reach for them and toss them down on the couch. I make it a point to ignore the grin spreading across Xander's face.
Xander: I grin. This is the part of her that I love, that I could spend forever with.
Faith: I walk into the bedroom glancing back - yeah, I have no will power - to see the adorable smirk on his face. I put the baby down on the bed and unwrap the blanket. He's wearing a little one piece and a mock jacket over it. I carefully take him out of the jacket figuring he'll be more comfortable.
Xander: I watch Faith with the infant, how careful she is, as if she's afraid that she might break him. "I wish we knew his name." I say on a thought.
Faith: He murmurs a little in his sleep but never completely wakes up. I toss his jacket on top of my pile of clear clothes. I shrug in response to Xander - I'm not so sure. Names kind of make you attached...
Xander: "It's just... names are important, right?" I add.
Faith: I turn towards him, the baby now on the bed and offer a small smile. I grab a tank top from the drawer, a simple white one to sleep in and reach for the back of my neck. I pull the string to the halter top, remembering again that it's the one Xander got me. I smile to myself as I change into the ribbed tank.
Xander: "Maybe I'm wrong." I shrug towards Faith with a small smile, watching her.
Faith: "I didn't say that," I answer quickly not wanting him to think my silence was in any way negative. He's spent a lot of time telling me how impossible I am to read, so I'm sure to spell it out for him when it really matters, or when I definitely want to make sure he's not mad at me. Yeah, I'm hooked... I have some attachment issues, I won't lie. Those issues... God they're piling up.
Xander: "Okay." I nod to Faith, climbing gently unto the bed so not to wake the infant, "He's so small." I say in awe.
Faith: I smile and nod looking over to the bed. The sight both makes me want to smile and cry and I can't figure out which one it is. All I've really ever dreamed about is having a family, being part of a family... If there's one thing I've figured out by now is, if it's in my dreams, it's never going to happen, and if it does, it's not supposed to and it's only because I screwed up somewhere.
Xander: My fingers gently brush over the little boy's skin, he moves in his sleep and I pull away quickly so I don't wake him.
Faith: I slide out of my black leather pants and into a pair of Xander's boxer shorts rolling them around the waist to make them fit my waist and also make them shorter. I never take my eyes off of the two of them on the bed, I want to just pretend tonight that it's okay and that I actually deserve this - just for tonight. I've come up with a theory - if it's just for a night, it's easily forgotten.
Xander: I rest on my side, just watching him, momentarily glancing up to see Faith settle down on his other side. I smile to her.
Faith: "Hey," I say softly resting next to the baby and pulling him close to me. He nestles closer to me instinctually, probably thinking I'm his mom or something and here comes those conflicting emotions again...
Xander: "Hey..." I respond, just watching, but trying to be quiet so I don't disturb this.
Faith: "Hold me?" I ask cautiously looking up in Xander's eyes. I know I'm wearing pain across my face at the request but I need him and to feel him if I'm even going to be able to close my eyes at all.
Xander: I wrap an arm around Faith pulling her and the infant towards me gently. I kiss her neck softly, hoping that it might make the pain on her face disappear.
Faith: God, I've never even dreamt of something so perfect... my wish for family never even came close - it's probably because I've never really known a family so complete... both parents? yeah, right! Go back to the Brady Bunch for that. We're not the parents, I remind myself harshly. But even thinking about being part of a family - it never was so whole...
Xander: "You're quiet tonight..." I say softly, gazing up to her eyes, "You okay, Faith?"
Faith: This couldn't be more safe and secure. I close my eyes making myself ignore the fact that it'll all be gone in the morning - the security and the false love. Like I said, I've got my pattern. I open my eyes again at his soft words and look at his handsome face, "this is nice."
Xander: I hope I don't step over that line. Never know where the line is with her. Whether or not I'm touching a nerve. "Good." I smile to her at her words.
Faith: I don't think I've ever slept like that. To be more precise - I've never slept like that before! It's this supposed fact that kids sleep well, but all I have to say is, whoever made that up definitely didn't grow up in my house. I can say as a stated fact that I've never slept a whole night through - ever. Reasons varied, but it's never happened.
Xander: I start to wake up, drowsy as Faith moves, my arm still looped around her waist, I glance up and she looks wide awake already.
Faith: I wake up feeling refreshed, and actually rested - hey, there's a concept; sleeping makes you *less* tired, not more tired. Unfortunately my inner demons like to have a party as soon as the lights go out... but not last night.
Xander: "Hey.." I mumble softly, looking to her.
Faith: Xander's so cute when he wakes up - he's all droopy and glassy eyes for another... four hours or so.
Xander: I rest my head on the pillow, it's too comfy here to move, but I smile to Faith.
Faith: I smile and carefully lean over the kid and kiss him - he always wakes up better with a good morning kiss. So I'm corny, what can I say? It's not like I've had the chance to have a hell of a lot of good morning anythings...
Xander: I smile at the kiss and return it with no problem - I'd love to kiss her for hours if I could.
Faith: Mornings, as a rule, are usually bad. All the stiffness, grogginess, and well... other down sides to it - usually waking up sucks. It's when reality tends to settle in. I'm kind of an un- realistic person or at least I wish I was. His kiss is so nice - I want to just be right up against him and... and the little kid is up and screaming. Great.
Xander: "Maybe he's hungry?" I suggest over the wailing.
Faith: I pull away from the kiss slightly begrudgingly and lay my head down on the pillow. "Feed it."
Xander: "Do we have anything for him?" I ask, taking the kid and rocking him.
Faith: "What does it eat?" I ask knowing I'm risking sounding like a certain blonde... but hell, who am I kidding - we all have our areas of expertise, some more respectable than others. Against popular belief, my area doesn't extend to baby care (thank god!). I mean the kids incredible, but if I had had any previous experience it probably would've been because I'd gotten knocked up by some loser who I'd only known for an hour or so...
Xander: "I don't know... formula milk? He looks like he's a newborn.." I say.
Faith: "Try breast feeding him," I suggest to Xander, somehow managing to keep a straight face as I look at him with all seriousness.
Xander: "Somehow, I doubt I'm equipped to do that, Faith." I say, rolling my eyes.
Faith: "I could check it out for you if you're unsure," I tease looking him up and down the way I know makes him fidget no matter how many times I do so.
Xander: "Maybe after." I say, a little uncomfortably, "Not like I wouldn't appreciate that."
Faith: A knot shifts in my stomach making me ache for his touch but I quickly blink it off and regain composure. I have a very addictive personality, it's not my fault! The baby's screams are getting louder and more piercing and all of a sudden I remember the cigarettes I abandoned in a moment of insanity on the couch.
Xander: "Really would appreciate that..." I mumble under my breath.
Faith: It's pretty pathetic - give me a nest of vamps and I'm calm as a cucumber (think un-Xander thoughts!), but put me in a room with a crying baby and I get a little fidgety.
Xander: "Um... maybe... Buffy will know what to do?" I offer.
Faith: "Try Giles," I suggest a little bitterly.
Xander: Okay - I know I said the wrong thing by the tone of her voice, "Okay... Giles... Giles knows things... right?"
Faith: "In all of his books I'm sure he's at least read a review on Doctor Spock..." I say pretending to be sure of myself but making it miserably obvious that I'm not.
Xander: "Spock? Isn't that Star Trek?" I ask, dumbly.
Faith: "Call Giles," I say as if he's a moron, trying to mask the fact that I can't really remember whether I heard that from Star Trek or not...
Xander: "Hold him." I sigh, gently putting the boy into Faith's arms before I pick up the phone and dial Giles' number.
Faith: "It's loud... and it's definitely wet," I say in a tone that reminds me all too much of Cordelia! I feel like shrieking at the fact that I've definitely just paralleled myself with Cordy... wow, maybe death is a good cure.
Xander: "Then change him." I reply as I talk with Giles.
Faith: "Slay-er" I spell out for him, "not Sit-ter." My protest goes unheard and with a groan I lie the baby back on the bed pacing around for a few seconds trying to think of a plan. "I don't even make plans for dusting vamps, little man," I whine to the kid, "you should feel honored that I need a strategy to clean your ass..."
Xander: Giles offers to care for the child meanwhile. I sigh and hang up the phone, "Giles is going to look after him for a little while...." I tell Faith, almost dissapointed.
Faith: The kid stops crying as though he's laughing at my complete stupidity and I have to laugh too. Xander walks in from the other room behind me saying something, "what?" I say stopping my laughing.
Xander: "Giles is going to look after him for today, get some things before we figure out what to do with him." I tell her again.
Faith: "Fine," I answer trying to sound indifferent. Emotional shut down starts right about here. I feign a smile then walk out of the bedroom leaving the kid on the bed with Xander.
Xander: I walk into the apartment and see Faith veg on the couch.
Faith: I glance behind me as I hear the door closing. He's home... Okay, morning afters on some very bad, thankfully rare occasions can tend to leak into your entire day. "Hey," I greet dryly.
Xander: "Hey." I reply to her.
Faith: I light another cigarette and get up off the couch. I head for the fridge and stare at it's contents blankly. The stare might have been less blank if the fridge had been a bit less blank... there's not much to look at except a few stray Corona's, some milk I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, and... eww, what *is* that?
Xander: "Lovely habit you've got there." I sigh, sinking onto one of the chairs.
Faith: "Do we have money yet?" I ask a little afraid to ask. I close the fridge and turn back to him completely ignoring his comment.
Xander: "Money, for..." I glance to Faith.
Faith: "Food." I state as though it were obvious. I roll my eyes and walk back for the couch.
Xander: "Oh." I almost sigh, but curb that urge. "I'm getting a paycheck on Thursday, so... then." I tell her.
Faith: I've walked back and forth from the couch to the fridge... well, I'm not going to admit how many times, to do the same exact routine while he was gone. "Okay," I answer blankly, "we'll call this a diet. Between no food and cigarettes, I'm gonna look like B in no time, Xand, just what you always wanted," I mutter sinking back down onto the couch. I inhale the smoke deep till I feel the back of my lungs burn from the invasion - masochistic, yeah, I know.
Xander: I put my head in my hands for a moment and mess up my hair, before looking up to Faith at her comment. This is nice - Insulting a friend and the ego. I almost roll my eyes, "And you know, no amount of words I say is going to convince you differently."
Faith: I start to reply but I'm different now, I've grown up, however slight, I've still grown, so I know enough from years of experience, to make myself shut up.
Xander: I pick up myself from the chair and move myself to the bedroom, I'm too tired to deal with this now. I practically throw myself in bed. One of these days I'd really like to know what I said that sets her off.
Faith: "What'd Giles say?" I ask obnoxiously as though I didn't really care standing in the doorframe of the bedroom.
Xander: "Giles is going to look to see if the biological father is around... or something... if not they have to find a home for him." I reply evenly, my eyes closed.
Faith: "Don't look so tired, you still have to fix the wall I broke with the door..." I add trying to make it seem like I just asked about the kid to start conversation.
Xander: "I will." I reply, "Later."
Faith: I think my comment was just enough out of no where to not only raise suspicion of my bad lying skills but also to just do enough to piss him off too. Yay, Faith! I praise mockingly in my head.
Xander: I really shouldn't feel like ignoring her, but I hate when she gets like this. What the hell did I do?
Faith: I stand there for another moment looking down at him waiting for him somehow to turn this all around and care about me again, but since I'm being completely silent, he doesn't. I groan loudly and turn and walk back to the kitchen.
Xander: I sigh and roll over onto my back trying to get comfortable.
Faith: I bite at the inside of my cheek, a nervous habit, yeah, me, nervous... like I said to B, 'nine times out of ten the face they're showing ya's, not the real one...' I grab at my coffee cup near the sink and yay, award of the fucking day goes to *me* as the mug crashes onto the floor and breaks.
Xander: I look up at the crash getting up to look at what happened.
Faith: Now not only is there glass everywhere but there's fucking coffee everywhere too! "FUCK!" I yell angrily before catching myself and making myself at least pretend to not be freaking out. Xander: I almost raise an eyebrow at the word, but attempt not to, "I'll clean it up." I tell her.
Faith: "Fuck off," I mutter as I get down on my knees and start picking the pieces up. I can feel the pieces cutting into my hand as I pick them up but I ignore them. They're not deep but just painful enough to feel them cutting through the first few layers of flesh.
Xander: "Okay, would you please just tell me what I did... really?" I almost shout, "I don't know... and I can't make it better"
Faith: "You didn't even-" I stop myself quickly feeling the tears rush to my face and I force myself to take a few deep breaths. "Nothing," I answer making myself focus on cleaning up the mess.
Xander: "What didn't I do?" I ask, joining her to clean up, "Tell me. Please. I'm kinda stupid at times."
Faith: "No you're not," I sigh hating when he talks like that about as much as he hates when I talk about myself. I grab quickly at another piece - a little too quickly - and I pull my hand back biting my lips quickly before I yell. I stand up slowly hoping he didn't notice and walk over to the sink.
Xander: I follow her, joining her at the sink, I know she's trying not to be hurt at the wound, I pull her hand to look at the wound, "Let me see that." I say.
Faith: I turn on the water and let it run over my hand. I mock myself in my head for being such a wimp. "It's nothing," I insist but I let him take my hand. I wouldn't have gotten so upset if he'd come over and held me, or kissed me, or even fucking touched me when he got home - but I'm not going to fucking say that, God, I'd officially be the chick I always made fun of.
Xander: I take a wet cloth and dab it over the cut gently, "It hurts." I reply, holding her hand gently, "It's a deep cut."
Faith: "No, a six inch dagger through your stomach, that's a deep cut."
Xander: "Yeah, it is." I respond softly. Agreeing.
Faith: Assholes, I can usually deal. Amiable, not generally. I pull my hand away from him and get back to cleaning up the floor.
Xander: "You want me to get out of you hair?" I ask.
Faith: "Shut up," I answer. I think I get the maturity award today too!
Xander: "No." I reply, firmly. I can't believe the words are coming out of my mouth.
Faith: Possible he gets it... the day is young. I light another cigarette and look over at him knowing he's really getting fed up with the smoking. He loathes it.
Xander: "I'm not going to. I'll I've tried to do today is take care of things. I haven't done anything wrong." I almost stamp my foot in frustration, "And I'm sick and tired of you smoking those damn things." I pull the cigarette out of her mouth and smother it into the carpet, giving a shout as it burns my bare foot for a moment.
Faith: "Hey!" I protest.
Xander: "Hey what?" I ask, brushing off the ashes from my foot, seeing the burn mark.
Faith: "That's so beyond uncool. Wait, erase the Cordelia that just spoke for me... but still, eww! I don't see you jumping to spring for another pack... that was the last one." Yeah, I'm a bitter soul, what can I say?
Xander: "Very uncool." I mumble, flinching at the burn. Not that she notices. You don't need it." I reply.
Faith: "That was stupid," I mutter not letting him think he got away with it. Who the fuck are you to tell me what I need and what I don't?" Woah, where the fuck did that come from!? Go Faith, swing for the bleachers with those mood swings!
Xander: "Thought I wasn't stupid. Taking that back now?" I ask.
Faith: "No!" I answer viciously, "I've met plenty of PhD shrinks and none of them know what I fucking need." I take a deep breath trying to calm myself down. I can't believe how much I feel like crying.
Xander: "Well I'm you're fucking fiancée... I'd like to think that I'd know a little bit about what you need." I reply almost spitting. And when did I start to curse?
Faith: "Obviously you don't," I mutter angrily feeling the tears rimming my eyes. I turn and walk towards the bedroom not wanting to look so fucking weak!
Xander: "Well I'm trying!" I shout to her.
Faith: I run my hands through my hair in frustration and rub my face quickly. Suck it up, Faith!
Xander: Stop yelling. Yelling is bad.
Faith: "The only fucking person that ever knew what I needed was... a fucking evil demon!" I mutter to myself finally yelling by the time I got to the end of the phrase. I pick up a nearby shoe, which happened to be at arms reach and throw it into the wall.
Xander: "Then why aren't you with him?" Angel gets on my nerves - always has.
Faith: "Because Buffy fucking killed him!" I scream knowing that I'm completely not making sense. I'm rooting for a whole different team now, but that doesn't mean I don't still remember what it felt like to have someone who was like a dad.
Xander: "What?" I ask. Moving to look at her.
Faith: "Forget it," I answer forcing myself to immediately chill out. I'm not allowed to get mad at Xander about the Mayor... that's ancient history and I'm a completely different person now. It still stings though.
Xander: "Faith..." I start quietly, "How am I suppose to know what you need if you never tell me anything?"
Faith: "I tell you which way and how hard," I answer smugly. I immediately regret saying it. Gee, that seems to be a common theme lately.
Xander: I shake my head, hurt and move out of the doorway. I don't say anything, what would be the point?
Faith: "Xander..." I say following him out and grabbing his arm. "Sorry. I didn't mean it," I continue to explain almost nervously.
Xander: "Sorry for what?" I look to Faith, into her eyes, "If all I am to you is...." I shake my head. I know I could never leave her, no matter what. "I want to be more."
Faith: "Don't talk like that," I scold immediately picking up on his doubt.
Xander: "Why not?" I ask.
Faith: "I couldn't handle it," I admit tensely. All of a sudden I feel like I can't breathe and there's no way I can clench my jaw any tighter. "Xander, say something!" I yell uncomfortable with the silence.
Xander: I pause, "I'm not sure what to."
Faith: If there's one thing that freaks me out it's having to think about life without Xander... like I said, there would be no handling of it. "I'm sorry," I repeat nervously. I walk up to him not knowing what to do - I know he'll see I'm just throwing myself at him as a normal response for me if I do anything, but a girl like me doesn't have many other cards to play. "Xander, I mean it," I repeat anxiously.
Xander: "I just want to be near you, constantly, Faith." I tell her, "You're shutting me down, every time I get too close... I'm not going to hurt you."
Faith: "Just don't leave me," I answer unable to control the tears from streaking down my face.
Xander: "Do you trust me?" I ask.
Faith: "Don't leave me," I repeat pleadingly through the tears, which for some reason I still insist on trying to conceal.
Xander: "Well, I'm not going to leave you. I want you to believe that."
Faith: "I... I..." I can't breathe! The thought is enough to get me this upset. I push and I push and I push, but as soon as I've gotten to him just too much, I freak out. Emotionally Issue number twelve million and seven...
Xander: "I trust you." I continue, my hand on her arm.
Faith: "It scares me," I finally admit looking into his eyes, "you could hurt me so much... and just because I let you. That's a scary thing for me," I explain.
Xander: "It is scary... no denying that." I say in a light breath, "You can hurt me too."
Faith: "No I couldn't," I answer finally stepping closer to him and resting my head on his chest while draping my arms around his waist. I've never loved someone so much... I hardly understand it.
Xander: "How do you figure that?" I ask, taking a breath in at her body so close to mine. I wrap my arms around her.
Faith: "I wouldn't be able to live without you..." I answer lifting my face up to look at him.
Xander: I lean in to kiss her softly. "I love you." I say softly, effected by her words.
Faith: "I love you too," I answer with all the honesty in my soul - true it's not that much in comparison, but it's all a girls got! I press my cheek up against his then kiss his neck softly.
Xander: My neck arches slightly in response. "I know." I say softly.
Faith: "Hold me," I demand softly needing him even more.
Xander: I pull her closer to me, holding her tightly as I lean in to kiss her again.
Faith: I know I never did anything in my entire life to make me deserve this. Me? Who the hell decided that *I* should get the most amazing guy in my life? Me!
Xander: My hand travels along the small of her back gently.
Faith: "What else did Giles say about the baby?" I ask finally admitting why I'm such a hard-ass Buffy impersonator today.
Xander: "That he looked healthy." I say softly.
Faith: I nod ignoring the lump in my throat. I don't know what I want to hear...
Xander: I continue to hold her closely, brushing the hair back from her face.
Faith: "Nothing's simple, is it?" I ask knowing my tone is a dead give away to how I feel.
Xander: "Never." I shake my head, my voice soft.
Faith: I try to take a deep breath but it hurts so much inside that I can hardly take it. I settle for a few shallow breaths then look up at Xander biting my lower ip gently.
Xander: I run my fingers through her hair, trying to be supportive, but not overbearing.
Faith: I kiss him softly then take his lower lip into my mouth biting as gently as I just did my own. I let it go and then look up at him holding him close.
Xander: I try not to moan at her actions, my body presses closer into hers. My hands run down her sides gently.
Faith: "I need you," I mutter barely audibly into his ear before tracing small kisses down the side of his face to neck.
Xander: "I always need you." I reply, pulling her into the bedroom, holding her as close as I can.
Faith: "I need you now," I say more pressingly with urgency as I tug at the waist of his jeans.
Xander: I let out a soft moan of pleasure at that, already getting hard as she starts to pull off my jeans. I kiss her deeply, feverishly.
Faith: "Take me," I offer as I let his jeans drop from my hands to the floor. I tip my head back pressing myself up against him as hard as I can and rub against him. "Now," I urge again the pain inside ready to make me scream.
Xander: I gasp at her actions - Yes, definitely hard - I kiss her neck, nipping at her skin gently before smoothing it over with my tongue. I pull off her own jeans and underwear, needing to be inside of her.
Faith: I thought my breathing was shallow before... his hands on my body prove otherwise. I grab one of his hands and guide it under my shirt and onto my breast needing him so badly. I moan quietly and close my eyes hoping he knows what he's doing to me.
Xander: I enter her gently, meeting her lips in a messy kiss as my fingers gently kneed her right breast.
Faith: I practically fall apart right then and there - not saying much for my experience. I breathe as deep as I can, which isn't very, and I hold his lower back with my hands. I softly encourage him with my hands liking everything he's doing to me. He's the only guy I've ever done that with - I've never just held someone when they were in me...
Xander: "God... Faith..." I whisper, my breath heavy, moving with her, my pelvis pressing hard against hers,
Faith: I softly moan his name just loud enough for him to hear my labored breath sometimes overcoming my voice. I push my hips to meet his wanting him still deeper inside of me even though it's already almost more than I can handle.
Xander: I pinch one of her nipples gently before moving to pull off her shirt - but not tangling her in it - I take the nipple into my mouth, swirling my tongue as I press as deep as I can into her.
Faith: I can't help it - the way he makes me feel, the pent up pain inside, and the burning pleasure roaring through my body; I can't help but start to cry. It's soft and quiet, and I'm not sure he even notices at first.
Xander: I don't stop right away, I just keep kissing her and loving her at first, when I notice her tears I gently kiss those away.
Faith: I gently shake my head wanting to make sure he won't stop just because I'm a complete mess. I pull him deeper letting out a soft cry but I arc my neck so I can reach his lips and I kiss him.
Xander: I hold her close, wishing that I could stop her pain as I kiss her deeply, my tongue slipping into her mouth.
Faith: My whole body starts to shake and I squeeze my legs tightly around him realizing I'm covered in sweat. "Don't ever leave me," I somehow manage to mutter, unsure of whether that's what I actually said, or if it was just a series of moans. I hold him close to me as waves of intense pleasure throb viciously inside of me.
Xander: "I won't... " I gasp. "I can't." I start to thrust faster inside of her, swelling and holding close as we kiss over again and again.
Faith: I can't do anything but moan softly into his mouth while my whole world goes blurry and everything - the pain, the emotions, the feelings, the thoughts, the memories - they all disappear for that one moment. My heart races until it just seems to stop for a moment, then I can breath again.
Xander: I moan softly back, fighting to have her come before I do.
Faith: I catch my breath and place small kisses on his lips feeling myself melt against him and run against him. I feel the warm tears streaked in narrow streams down my face as they too run.
Xander: I can't hold myself any longer and explode into her, gasping for breath, "Oh god.. Faith..." I moan.
Faith: I feel him cum inside of me and I bite gently on his lower lip sucking it firmly between my lips.
Xander: I continue to gasp softly, kissing her.
Faith: I run my hands down his back and glide them back up again feeling how warm he is. "I love you," I state not caring how trite that sounds after screwing.
Xander: "I love you too, Faith..." I whisper softly against her lips.
Faith: I've always had issues with being told that after screwing, but it's something I've been working on with Xander, and I actually believe it now. So many guys just say it - it's like a habit, but none of them mean it. It took me a long time to believe Xander when he said he didn't just say it.