Never make a wish on a Hellmouth

Author: Jujumaster <ironskul[at]>

Disclaimer: All characters belong to someone else. Joss, M.E., Fox, W.B.

Summary: A BTVS/Loony tunes crossover

Notes: For those of you unfamiliar with the Loony Tunes, the characters inflections probably aren't going to make any sense. I hope it will bring a smile or titter to those who read it. Because there are two personalities in one body I leave it to the reader to choose the dominant traits.

Spoilers Season 6

Category: comedy with a lite B/X ship

Rating: PG-14- nothing worse than what is on the show.

Feedback: Yes please.

As Xander sat in his apartment watching cartoons, while waiting for Buffy, he wondered aloud, "wouldn't it be nice if life was like a cartoon?" He decided to catch a nap before patrol and went to sleep. A furious pounding on the door awakened him ten minutes later. As he ran to the door he noticed that his stride was not the same as usual, but the pounding at the door didn't give him a chance to think about it. When he swung the door open a most peculiar sight greeted him, a 5'3" {not including ears} blond furred female bunny.


"Oh my God Buffy, is that you? You're a bunny!" {Note. Please no comments about Playboy bunnies, as that has no place in this story although I'm sure Xander would like to have it other wise. Now back to your host.}

"I'm a bunny? Well you're a duck."

Xander glanced down for the first time and noticed his orange webbed feet and black feathers. Then he screamed.

Buffy Bunny pushed Xander the Duck in to the apartment and closed the door as she frantically described what had happened to her. "I was coming here to get you for patrol when about 15 minutes ago I got hit with a blue wave of energy that knocked me down. When I went to get up I saw these." Buffy held up one foot to Xander and started to cry.

"I'm a bunny with huge feet!!"

Xander wrapped his arms around Buffy and drew her into his feathery chest, stroking her long ears while soothing her.

"This is despicable, but it going to be all right."

Buffy pulled back from Xander with new tears in her eyes and as her voice cracked she asked, "I'm despicable?"

Xander pulled her into a tight hug, "No you're not despicable; this situation is."

After she regained her composure she stated, "We need to find Willow and Tara so we can get to the bottom of this. They were going to meet us at Restfull Hills cemetery."

When they got to the cemetery Buffy and Xander didn't see either of the witches, so they took off in a run to find them. Running around the corner of a mausoleum they tripped over a short fast moving space helmet wearing redhead. After they untangled themselves Buffy was the first to speak.

"Willow is that you?"

"Yes. And as soon as I find out who did this I'm going to shove an Illudium P38 space modulator up their ass and explode it."

"Well I'm going to put my foot up it. Let's see if they think my rabbit's foot is lucky."

"Hostility aside, we need to find Tara she was going to the store when this happened."

They all headed in the direction that Tara had taken before the change had occurred. Rounding a row of bushes they spotted a pig leaning up against a tombstone crying. Willow the Martian ran over to Tara, her feet moving three times as fast as her actual movement.

"Tara," Willow softly called out to her girlfriend.

Tara looked up through her tear-clouded vision and saw a redheaded Martian, a blond bunny and a duck. "W-W-Willow is th-th-that you?"

"Yes sweetie it's me."

Willow and Tara embraced one another. While Willow and Tara talked to each other Buffy turned to Xander.

Thanks for being there to help me when I fell apart.

"I always try to be Buff."

"Yeah, that is true isn't it? Thanks. "

She leaned in and kissed Xander on the bill, as she pulled back both of them had looks of surprise on their faces. Xander stared into her green eyes as she stared into his brown ones before they leaned in and kissed again.

"Xander, Buffy!" Willow and Tara interrupted them.

As Buffy and Xander turned their heads to look at their friends, they saw Willow and Tara's eyes popping out of their heads two feet literally. Xander and Buffy broke apart and cast their eyes to the ground. They were blushing but you couldn't tell because of the fur and feathers. Their embarrassment had to be put on hold as a roadrunner ran up to the group and surveyed the quartet. They all spoke at the same time.


Dawn just flicked her tongue rapidly and with a beep, beep she was gone.

"Great, I have a sister that can run five hundred miles an hour." (804.7 kph for anyone that doesn't live in Sunnydale). "Ok Willow, you and Tara hit the books. Xander you and I will split up and try to find Dawn."

Buffy moved off towards the Bronze as Willow and Tara left to research their latest predicament. This left Xander the Duck trying to figure out how to reverse his wish before he and Buffy had to have a three-legged race to the hospital, to remove her foot from his rectum.

Buffy checked out the areas around the Bronze noticing that only her and the Scoobies appeared to be affected by the "spell". As she wandered down an alley she sensed the presence of a large group of vampires. Rounding the corner she spotted a group of twenty vampires approaching.

"Damn, I knew I should have taken that left at Albuquerque."

She reached for Mr. Pointy only to realize she had no pockets thus, no pockets no Mr. Pointy. She scanned the area for a piece of wood, seeing nothing but an old pen and some papers being blown around in the ally.

The lead vampire spotted her. "Slayer what happened, piss off the Easter Bunny while making fun of his feet?"

"You recognize me?"

"New wrapper, but yeah I recognize you. Kill her!"

Buffy ran back down the alley grabbing the pen and a piece of paper on the way out. She ran as fast as she could to the nearest mailbox, scribbled something on the piece of paper before dropping it in the mailbox. "I hope this works."

Two seconds later a post truck pulled up and dropped off a package just as the vamps were closing in on her. Buffy grinned an evil grin reached into the box with her right hand while watching the vamps and said; "Now you die."

The vampires just laughed and rushed at her. Quickly looking at her right hand her mouth dropped to the ground. Picking her mouth off the ground she held out her left hand in the classic stop pose. All of the vamps stopped, two of them in mid leap. Quickly grabbing another piece of paper she wrote.

Dear Acme corp.

I recently ordered an automatic staker. What I got was an automatic steaker. I'm not having a cookout; I'm having a slaying. Please fix it. B. Bunny.

She dropped the paper into the post box. Two seconds later a box hit the ground at her feet. Checking the box she grinned an evil grin and once again said, " Now you die". With a cyclic rate of fire at 400 stakes per minute (not steaks) Buffy Bunny went through the vampires like a cartoon bunny/slayer with an automatic staker (not steaker). Soon twenty piles of dust lay spread out at her feet.


"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

"Don't make me climb out of this fic and kick your ass mister writer man, now get back to the story."

"Ok where was I?" (Scans notes) "Ah there."

"Boy, I'm going to miss this Acme autostaker when we get this spell reversed."

Meanwhile across town Xander continues to look for Dawn.

"Are you constantly losing you rubber duck in the bathtub? If you call the number on you screen now, I'll send you this new electronic device, which can be inserted into your rubber duck and with the push of a button it will flash and blink, allowing you to immediately locate it. Call now and get two for the low low price of $19.95. Call Now!"

"What the hell was that?" Xander asked, looking into the camera.

{A commercial. We are about halfway through the story and that's where the commercial goes.}

Xander sighs and shakes his head back and forth but continues on with the story.

He sees something bouncing down the road toward him, as it gets closer, he realizes it is a skunk with a bleached stripe instead of a white one.

"Spike is that you?"

"Oui, iz at you Xander?"

"Oh my goodness. This is despicable."

"I know monsieur spee'king wif ze chee'zy franch ac'cent through moi's Bree'tish ac'cent wile in zis' states et iz de'specable, no?"

"Yes, but I was just talking about your smell. Where are you going?"

"I am go'eng to fin' mois ladee luv Buffee zo I wh'eel zee you anon au revoir." With that he bounced off down the road.

Xander was going to give chase to stop Spike Le' Pew, fearing that Spike's interference could possible mess up his chance with Buffy, when Dawn shot by going the opposite direction.

Xander went up the street after Dawn.

As he continued looking for Dawn, Anyanka teleported onto the street in front of him.

"Xander what did you do?"

"Anya how come your not affected by the spell?"

"First off you look like an idiot and secondly it's your WISH."

"This isn't a wish, it's a spell and I didn't have anything to do with it."

Reaching under the collar of her blouse she pulled the pendent out from under it and dangled it in front of him and said in a mocking tone. "Hello giver of the wish here, so I know a wish when I see one. The origin of the wish leads right to you. Since I was out of range of the wish I was unaffected. It will probably wear off in a little while since it was a random acts wish, but even so I just can't believe how childish you can be even though you live on a Hellmouth. What were you."

Anya continued to drone on about Xander's wish, as well as his other shortcomings, and all he wanted to do was get away from her. Suddenly a light bulb came on above his head, which only caused Anya to pause from her tirade for about a second. Xander found a piece of paper and something to write with and wrote something down, afterwards dropping it in a nearby mailbox. A couple of seconds later a box arrived from the Acme Co. for him. Xander rummaged through the box pulling out a leash, some birdseed, and some glue.

With her eyes wide Anya just smiled and said, "Kinky."

Xander just smirked back at her and poured some of the birdseed on the ground. Anya didn't know what to think or do. A minute or so later Dawn ran up to the birdseed and started pecking at it. Anya watched Dawn and while her focus was off of Xander, he reached into the Acme box, pulled out a mask and slipped it on. Once it was in place Xander cleared his throat to get Anya's attention.

As Anya refocused on Xander, all of the color left her face and she started to shake. She then started screaming and took off running down the street.

Dawn looked up and cocked her head to one side as she watched Anya run down the road. She then took a glance at Xander the Duck who was now wearing a bunny mask. Dawn went back to watching the screaming vengeance demon as she continued to run away. While she was preoccupied Xander slipped up to her and clasped the leash around her neck.

Xander pulled the mask off and smiled proudly. Reaching into the box one last time he pulled out the Acme hat that was in the box. (Free with all orders over $50.)

"Now I've got to find Buffy. Hope Ahn doesn't tell anyone this is my fault." (Xander then heard a single deep piano note signaling a portent of doom)

About twenty minutes later Xander, with Dawn in tow, found Spike and Buffy. When he got closer he could hear what Spike was saying to Buffy.

"My dar'leeng we wh'eel run away togaz'er. I wh'eel luv vous always. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm," as he kissed his way up her arm while Buffy tried to vehemently pull free.

As she broke free Buffy turned to look at Spike with a serious look of displeasure on her face.

"Spike leave Buffy alone haven't you caused enough problems in the past few months?"

"No, I 'ave had 'er bee'fore I wh'eel 'ave 'er again."

Buffy hit Spike as hard as she could, causing the souled Vampire-skunks head to spin around several times. Exasperated that he appeared to be in no pain, she hit him again, still with no good effect.

"Allow me Buffy."

"What are you go'eng to do Xandeer, eef ze slayeer can not 'urt me what are you go'eng to do?"

"Xander, Buffy we couldn't find anything in the books about this spell", yelled Willow as she and Tara ran up to the quartette.

Xander handed the leash to Willow and turned to Buffy.

He took the ball cap and pinned Buffy's ears under it. He then took the bunny mask out and put some glue in it. He walked over to Spike and slammed the mask onto Spike's head.

"You ee'diot th'ees dos nuf'eng I wh'eel 'ave my way."

"Don't watch cartoons much do you Spike? Oh abomi-nami-nal!"

The abominal snowman showed up post-haste speaking in his slow dimwitted manner. "Yeeah?"

"Are you still looking for a bunny rabbit?"

"Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!"

Xander pointed at Spike.

"Oh goody, a bunny rabbit of my own." Snatching Spike up by the neck the abominal started to stroke his head very vigorously. "I will name you George. I will love you and stroke you and pet you."

"You bloodeee pounce l'eet me go."

"Such bad language George, you are being a very naughty bunny rabbit. I will have to punish you now." The abominal snowman started to spank Spike causing his head to pop out a couple of feet every time he hit the pseudo-skunk/bunny souled vampire.

Xander then whistled and a refrigerated truck pulled up. "Abominal, a nice cold truck for you, so you don't melt on your way home."

After the snowman loaded up in the back of the truck Xander gave the driver instructions to head north. He turned back to the others as the truck pulled off.

Buffy stood there looking at Xander through her big green eyes. Then she coyly tilted her head down and blinked her four-inch long eyelashes rapidly at him.

"My hero, " she said as she leaned over to him to give him a little kiss.

"Maybe my wish isn't such a bad thing after all." And

Xander gulped as he looked into Buffy's eyes and saw the mushroom clouds where her pupils once where. Then her head turned into a steam whistle.


Willow grabbed Tara's hand and lead her and Dawn away from the beating that ensued.

The next evening everyone was back to normal. Xander had done much apologizing to the girls and all was forgiven. Dawn, Willow, and Tara sat on the couch while Xander sat in the rocking chair to the side.

Buffy was coming out of the kitchen with a tray of drinks when Willow spoke up, "So Buffy you and Xander are going to start seeing one another?"

"Yes, after I got over the whole big feet thing we talked about our past and our possible future."

"So were there lots of smoochies after the fighting?"

"Wills I love you but that's nun-ya."

"Nun-ya Xander?"

"Yeah, none of your business."

"Well I'm just curious about my two best friends."

Buffy started passing out the sodas ignoring Willows previous questions.

Xander started to cough and didn't seem to be able to stop. Buffy became concerned.

"Xander you ok sweetie?"

When he stopped coughing he answered, "Damn, I think I had a hairball."

Dawn scrunched up her nose at Xander's answer. "Hairball, where'd you get a hairball from? You were a duck."

Willow slammed her hand over her mouth and started to point and mumble.

Buffy dropped the tray she was holding, as Xander turned red and started to cough again. Buffy pulled Xander out of the room. Dawn looked at the others with confusion marking her face. Tara put her hand over Willow's hand, that was still covering her mouth, looked at Willow and said,

"Tha-tha-tha, that's all folks."