Xander slammed the door to his car shut. He shook his head, thrust the key into the ignition, missing twice in his anger, finally succeeding on the third try. He looked up and saw her running out the door, towards him. He gunned the engine and drove. In no particular direction, he drove. He had to get out of there.
I woke, I broke free drove a long time
It didn't purge you from my mind
Hang up the halo, maybe you're right
Chalk it up to a starry night
To be set free, to live and learn
Too many memories.
Good. Bad.
Sensual. Sexual.
Tender.
Tender was the worst. Tender made him think she might stay. Tender made him think she didn't mean it.
She did. She always meant it. The worst part was, he knew it. She told him from the beginning it wouldn't last.
Hang up the halo, maybe you're right
Chalk it up to a starry night
To be set free, to live and learn
Did we pass or fail the term?
She wasn't perfect. Neither of them were. Hell, neither was even all that good. Not alone.
Together, though. He thought, maybe, together, they could be great. Thought he saw something between them. Something that could keep them together. But she told him. She told him every time she thought they were getting too close. She fucking spelled it out for him after they had been together other for a month.
You wrote a note with chalk on my door
A message I'd known long before:
On any given day, you'll find me gone
On any given day, you'll find me gone
Give me your reason, give me your rhyme
So I can tempo me to your time
They were good together. He knew it. He just fucking knew it. He could see it in his reflection. He was a happier person. He was better with her. And god damn it, she was better with him. He could see it in her eyes. They lit up when he was around. She was more alive.
Got drawn in by the mystery that she embodied. He knew better than that. Never works out well. He'd proven it over and over again. Cordelia with a rebar in her - now dead. Willow distant. Not the same best friend as before. And never was again. Anya. Left her at the altar. Now dead. He was set to be lonely for the rest of his life. Then he had to go and fall in love.
So I can scratch your surface and be
A deeper part of the mystery
To be undone, to be alone
To live life in monotone
He reached into his wallet, driving with one hand and one eye, not needing to see where he was reaching. He knew it so well, he could tell by the texture when he found it. He pulled the note up and looked at it again.
I reach the beach and try to ignore
The warning I'd known long before
On any given day, you'll find me gone
On any given day, you'll find me gone
He wasn't the only one who thought they were good together. Dawn, bless her heart, wanted only to see him happy. Dawn knew, after a while, that she made him happy. That was enough. Anytime Dawn visited and saw them together, she always smiled like she had a secret nobody else knew.
Andrew, too, as weird as the little ratboy was, saw that they were great together. Hell, even Angel saw it. Buffy, Willow, Giles, all of them.
But she couldn't. Wouldn't. Who knew, anymore, whether she was blind by accident or on purpose? Whether she wouldn't face up to what was there, or truly couldn't see it?
But he could. So could everyone else.
I've been down to the sea
I've been down to the sea
And so all of the lovers will say
Forever star-crossed will we stay
Still I can't help feeling cast away
on any given day
Still I can't help feeling you'll run away
on any given day
Giles had sent them out here. Like here was some horrible place. Here was Los Angeles, back in sunny California. Close enough it still felt vaguely home-ish, but far enough away that it wasn't a constant reminder of what he had lost. What they had all lost.
I window shop for you in my mind
A flannel shirt at the five and dime
A leather coat cut big city style
Boots from plastic crocodile
A pinecone dipped in glitter glue
A penny 1942
A necklace with a cheap green stone
Bare feet, cold sand. Chill to the bone
Xander passed vendors by the boardwalk. He stopped the car, and got out. Everything reminded him of her. The sand where they had walked, the waves they had played in. The boardwalk they had made out under, like teenagers stealing kisses. He stepped down the steps and onto the beach and looked at the note again in the moonlight, then placed it back in his wallet. The sand clumped at his feet where his tears fell.
On any given day, you'll find me gone
On any given day, you'll find me gone
I've been down to the sea
I've been down to the sea
And so all of the lovers will say
Forever star-crossed will we stay
Still I can't help feeling cast away
on any given day
Still I can't help feeling you'll run away
on any given day
She was a sensual creature. Everything she did. The way she walked. How her lips moved when she talked. The intensity in her eyes when she… when they…
My eye on you. My eye on you.
My eye on you always
My eye on you. My eye on you.
My eye on you always
But it was over. Today, just like that, it was over. She hadn't said it in months. She hadn't reminded him that it was temporary. She had let him believe that they could be together. Maybe forever. He walked into their apartment, and she looked up at him, and she said those words, and he couldn't take it.
Still I can't help feeling cast away
on any given day
Still I can't help feeling you'll run away
on any given day
At the beach, he sat. For hours. Waited until the sun came up, wishing idly in his mind that it could burn him up like it would the vampires he had spent so much of his life fighting. It wouldn't. And he had work to do.
Xander stood, picked up his shoes and walked back to his car. And she was there. Waiting. In the car. Xander sighed, steeled his nerve, and sat in the car, silent, waiting for the inevitable brush off.
"I hadn't said it in months," she said. "Just realized that. I was lost in my own thoughts, and I didn't hear you come in. Heard you leave, though."
He allowed her to take his hand in hers. Her body language implored him to face her, but he wouldn't.
"I was saying it to myself. Trying to convince myself it still fit. Still made sense."
Xander gripped the wheel hard with his left hand, his knuckles white.
"Didn't work. Those words aren't right anymore. They're a lie. I need you with me. I'm sorry you heard what you did, but those words weren't for you last night. And they never will be again."
Xander closed his eyes, tears leaking out the sides. She leaned over and kissed him softly, tenderly, on his cheek. He covered her hands with his, turned and kissed her for all he was worth. She stroked his cheek and curled up in the passenger seat.
"Let's go home, baby," she said, before leaning her head against the door and falling into a quiet sleep.
I lift my hands up, smell to reveal
Your perfume on the steering wheel
You're next to me asleep and I smile
I think I'll drive on for awhile
Xander reached into his wallet one last time as he drove. He took the note from its place and read it one more time.
Xander smiled and ripped the note into very small pieces. He rolled down his window, noticed from the corner of his eye as Faith watched him. Grinning at her, he released the pieces of the note into the wind.
It carried the words that plagued him out of his life for good:
On any given day, you'll find me gone.
Inspired by "On Any Given Day" by Carbon Leaf.