<Another year, another Halloween.> Xander shook his head as he followed Buffy and Willow from store to store. It seemed like insanity to him but, of course, nobody asked him.
"Come on, Xander!" Buffy tugged at one arm while Willow pulled at the other.
"Yeah, This place is new... maybe they have some cool stuff."
<I doubt it> Xander shrugged, letting himself be drawn along. He figured he probably looked like a shmuck, but what the hell? At least he had two girls touching him.
The three of them paused before entering the store, and Xander looked up.
<Ethans. Well, it says something about the store. Like who owns it.> Xander shrugged, just as he got yanked into the store with a muffled yelp.
Once inside Buffy and Willow quickly dropped his arms and moved off into the dresses, leaving Xander to look around the bargain bins.
He rummaged through some toys that had been tossed into the bins, pulling out a rifle with an orange plastic tip. <Well... it'll go with the fatigues I got from Uncle Rory...>
He sighed.
It wasn't that Xander didn't want an elaborate costume, something with a little pizzaz, assuming that was actually a word. He just couldn't afford it.
Decision made, he decided to move through the store while he was waiting on the girls and check out what he wouldn't be wearing for the night. The store was filled with all the standard trappings of the holidays of course. There was the little kids paper ponchos with spiderman and batman logos plastered all over them, and even a section with movie props for the older customers.
That was cool, he had to admit, though most of the stuff was pretty cheap.
So he moved on, glancing occasionally to where he saw Buffy almost drooling over an old fashioned dress. That brought him up short for a moment, and he nodded slowly. <She'll look really great in that.>
A thought that was followed shortly after by a tired smirk. <Too bad it's for him.>
He shook his head clear, <I will not be jealous. I will NOT be jealous. I refuse to be jealous of a freaking *vampire*.>
The store clerk was helping Buffy, trying to make himself a sale Xander presumed, but when Xander stubbed his toe into a crate and went sprawling in pain he, and everyone else in the place, looked over at him in shock.
"Ouch!" Xander snapped, more angry then actually hurt, "Damn it!"
Willow winced, looking away. She knew Xander's voice well enough to know that he wasn't hurt, and wouldn't appreciate being crowded at the moment, so she put a restraining arm on Buffy's arm when the Slayer moved to help.
"Don't. He's ok." She said in her quiet voice. "Just embarrassed at attracting all the attention."
Buffy winced, the nodded, as they heard Xander picking himself up.
"Sorry folks, show's over," He joked feebly, "But I'm here at ten and two, every day through Wednesday..."
Most of the people in the shop smiled slightly, either at him or tentatively with him, then went back about their business. The shop's clerk, however, came running over to him, looking very apologetic.
"My dear young man, I'm terribly sorry. I should have picked that case up...."
"Nah, it's my fault," Xander shook him off. "Wasn't watching my step. I'm fine..."
"No, I really should have stored that better." The man insisted, smiling slightly. "I am gratified that you're fine, however... Would their be any thing I could do to help you?"
Xander shook his head, "Nah. I'm just picking up a toy... Oh damn it."
"What?"
Xander lifted the toy gun in his hand, showing it to the clerk. "I'm afraid I broke some of your merchandise."
Xander sighed, "I'll pay for it though, don't worry..."
"Don't be absurd." The man waved him off. "I won't hear of it. In fact, for the pain you've suffered, I insist that you select any costume from our inventory. No charge."
"Really, I'm fine." Xander tried to put him off. "And I really should pay you for what I broke..."
"Nonsense. The case was in the wrong place, and that was my responsibility." The clerk insisted. "As store owner, I am Ethan by the way, I take full responsibility."
Xander glanced down, "What's in that thing anyway?"
"Oh, that... Just something I picked up in a yard sale some time ago..." The Clerk smiled suddenly, "Perhaps you might like it."
That got him curious enough, so Xander knelt down and flipped open the clips that held the case shut, then lifted it open. He stared in and smiled with a puzzled expression at the array of gadgets and gizmos inside. "What on earth is all this?"
"Well, you see, I'm not really sure..." Ethan said with a mild frown. "I believe it must be some stuff from one of those dreadful nineteen fifties science fiction movies... though which one, I really can't say."
Xander nodded, pulling out a one piece suit made of some silvery material. "Yeah. I can see that... this stuff looks like the sort of wacky stuff they'd toss together back then. Kinda cool though. I like the spaceman look."
"Then it's yours." Ethan announced, smiling widely. "I insist."
"No... it's too much..." Xander shook his head, "I mean.. All of this?"
"I have no use for it." Ethan told him, shrugging. "And Halloween is one night only. Please, I would consider it a personal favor."
Xander hesitated again, then glanced to the broken toy gun and sighed slowly. After a long moment he got up and nodded, "Yeah... I... I don't know what to say..."
"Say Happy Halloween."
He laughed, "Happy Halloween." Xander grinned.
Later that evening Joyce Summers answered her front door, barely beating her youngest daughter to the punch, and was greeted by the image of a tall figure in a silvery spacesuit with a closed visor.
"I come in peace." The figure said in a muffled voice. "Take me to your twinkies."
Joyce laughed, unable to prevent it, and stepped back. "Come in, Xander."
"Gee, how'd ya know it was me?" Xander asked, flipping the visor up and grinning widely.
"Just a lucky guess." Joyce replied, looking him over slowly. The suit brought back a lot of old movie memories, mostly from drive ins, but she had to admit that it looked a lot less cheesy in person. In fact, it looked almost real. <Must have been from a bigger budget movie then I ever saw.>
"Cool!" Dawn blurted quickly, then frowned in puzzlement. "Uhh... what is it?"
Xander rolled his eyes under the visor, and Joyce chuckled again.
"It's a genuine spaceman costume, Dawnie."
"Don't call me that." She folded her arms on her chest and pouted nicely. "And I thought spacemen wore big bulky suits. That thing looks more like a shiny leotard."
"Ah! My heart!" Xander pantomimed a heart attack.
"Don't be such a dufus." She rolled her eyes and stalked off.
"No appreciation for the classics." Xander shrugged with a grin in Joyce' direction.
Joyce shook her head, but smiled. "I don't think I'd call it 'classic', but it's an... interesting look for you."
Xander chuckled, nodding. "Yeah, I know. But hey, it's Halloween, right? Time to let it all hang out."
Joyce nodded again, "That it is."
Xander was about to speak again, when Buffy topped the stairs and began we descent.
"Duchess of Buffonia..." Xander grinned, then shook his head in awe. "I hearby foreswear spandex forever!"
"Thank you kind sir," She curtseyed, then smiled. "But wait until you see Willow she's..."
Willow appeared at the top of the stairs, covered by a white sheet.
"Casper." Buffy trailed off, dejected.
"Nice Boo you have there," Xander grinned.
"Thanks." Willow said softly from under the sheet.
Buffy shot an annoyed look at Willow, but it wasn't satisfying since she couldn't see the redhead squirm, so she looked back at Xander. "What are YOU supposed to be??"
Xander rolled his eyes, and flipped the visor back down without comment.
<Lord above, but these kids get stupider every year.> Principal Snyder sighed, scowling furiously at the mirrored visor that hid Harris' face from him. It was damndably irritating.
"Alright. You have your groups... Take them out, show them around, and get them back. Don't even talk to them... The last thing they need is to be afflicted by you."
The three highschoolers scowled ineffectively at the principal and nodded. Buffy went over to her group and bent down. "Hi there... My name's Buffy..."
"Ah ah! What did I say?" Snyder snapped.
"Come on," Xander rolled his eyes, motioning to the door. "Let's go get some candy."
His group cheered and followed him out the door.
Ethan Raines looked over the components and smiled. This would be a gloriously chaotic night indeed.
"Janus, I beseech you! In your name, I offer this sacrifice and this night for your pleasure!" He said loudly as he cast the components to the circle.
The spell erupted out with a rush of power that he savored, and Ethan smiled in satisfaction.
Unbeknown to him, the universe itself shuddered and inverted momentarily, reaching out into the depths of all that is, was, and has been to accomplish its task.
Then it shuddered once, in fear or anticipation, and returned to normal again.
"Alright, Who else got a toothbrush?" Xander asked dryly.
"Me!"
"Me!"
Xander nodded, looking around at the chorus. "Alright, turn them in here... I've got some chocolate bars to replace them with..."
The kids cheered and Xander shot dark looks at the house behind him, but just sighed and shook his head. "Come on let's keep mov...."
He staggered, along with most of the kids in his group, and hit the ground like a sack of potatoes.
I woke up in a bit of a daze, wondering what the hell hit me, but that didn't last too long. Questions of philosophy have to wait when something is chewing on your arm, you understand.
It was small, and a real fighter, but I caught it with a ridge hand across what I *think* was it's throat. Whatever. It yelped and ran away. Luckily it hadn't gotten it's teeth through the material of my vacuum suit, so I was in decent shape.
Except for the fact that I didn't know where the hell I was. Did I mention that?
No?
Well I don't know.
The sky didn't look familiar, but that could mean I was on any of a hundred planets I hadn't visited yet, or even on most of the ones I had. I'm many things, but not an astronomer.
I got up and staggered out, feeling like I was on the tail end of a three day bender, without the pleasure of the three days. I rubbed my head with one hand as I patted down my suit in search of a Drive Right.
I was rudely interrupted in my search by an unholy screaming and blaring of sound and light that staggered me back as a metallic monstrosity almost plastered me across it's front face. I stared at the hideous thing in disgust for a long while, until the pilot of the thing stuck his fetid head out of the machine and yelled at me.
"Hey! Are you trying to get killed you fucking idiot!?"
Oh yes. I remember that unpleasant gurgling that passed for a language. I flashed him a finger that I remembered from my previous visit, and dredged up the words to reply.
"Go sleep with your sister, Dum Dum!" I snarled, then stalked off the roadway, my head spinning.
"How in the name of all that's holy did I manage to wind up back on Mud??"
I woke up in a bit of a daze, wondering what the hell hit me, but that didn't last too long. Questions of philosophy have to wait when something is chewing on your arm, you understand.
It was small, and a real fighter, but I caught it with a ridge hand across what I *think* was it's throat. Whatever. It yelped and ran away. Luckily it hadn't gotten it's teeth through the material of my vacuum suit, so I was in decent shape.
Except for the fact that I didn't know where the hell I was. Did I mention that?
No?
Well I don't know.
The sky didn't look familiar, but that could mean I was on any of a hundred planets I hadn't visited yet, or even on most of the ones I had. I'm many things, but not an astronomer.
I got up and staggered out, feeling like I was on the tail end of a three day bender, without the pleasure of the three days. I rubbed my head with one hand as I patted down my suit in search of a Drive Right.
I was rudely interrupted in my search by an unholy screaming and blaring of sound and light that staggered me back as a metallic monstrosity almost plastered me across it's front face. I stared at the hideous thing in disgust for a long while, until the pilot of the thing stuck his fetid head out of the machine and yelled at me.
"Hey! Are you trying to get killed you fucking idiot!?"
Oh yes. I remember that unpleasant gurgling that passed for a language. I flashed him a finger that I remembered from my previous visit, and dredged up the words to reply.
"Go sleep with your sister, Dum Dum!" I snarled, then stalked off the roadway, my head spinning.
"How in the name of all that's holy did I manage to wind up back on Mud??"
I spent a few minutes in a depression, afterall here I was stuck on a world that was going to be vaporized in a few centuries. Not much of a retirement place. Especially with those infernal combustion engines floating around the place.
But no. No. NO!
I'm Slippery Jim deGriz and I do NOT give up. EVER.
I ceased my quest for a Drive Right pill and quickly set out to determine what equipment I did still have with me.
A few minutes answered that question all to quickly.
Not a whole lot.
Think Jim! Think! You're back in time on the mythical planet Mud.... or is that Dirt? Anyway, you're on the mythical homeworld of the human race. The Corps sure as hell didn't send you this time.... unless...
I started patting down my suit again, looking for any scrap of paper or memory tape that might be a message from that bastard Inskipp or my darling Angelina, but came up empty.
So it's *pretty* unlikely the Corps had anything to do with this.
But that left me with a pretty serious problem.
Namely, who else had a Time Vortex, and why did they need old Slippery Jim out of the way?
Another moment of pondering this question left me with even more of a headache, and a desperate need for some cogitation juice. Just a couple swallows to lubricate the synapses.
Alright, that means first thing first. Time to acquire a little money, then I'll worry about how I got here.
Now, oddly enough, at this point I noticed that something weird was going on in this place. Other then the infernal combustion engines that is. Namely there were little monsters scurrying all over the place, and a lot of screaming going on. And yet, oddly, no sirens yet.
Now THAT bothered me. What kind of place didn't have some over eager cop running into the middle of something that wasn't really his business with gun drawn and sirens blazing? Isn't that why people *became* police officers??
Oh yeah, and the fact that there were actual little monsters wasn't exactly normal either. I blinked, realizing that I'd almost missed that fact, and berated myself as I squinted at the buildings and such around me.
"You're getting old, Jim." I told myself, shaking my head in disgust. "Missing what's right in front of your eyes. Break the problem down into pieces you can solve, and let's get to work."
I must have landed in some residential area, because I didn't see any signs worth noting. But there was a lot of light coming from a short distance in one direction, and where there's light there's usually people. Buildings. Banks.
I'd just started in that direction when someone came screaming toward me.
"Xander! Xander! Thank God I found you!" Willow yelled as she rushed up to Xander in his silvery space suit.
Xander turned and looked at her askance for a moment, then looked behind him and around him. "Pardon me... Are you speaking to me?"
"Of course I am, Xander!" Willow snapped. "Every one's gone crazy! We have to..."
Xander held up a hand, then cleared his throat politely. "Excuse me... But I don't know any Xander..."
"Oh God... It got you too." She groaned.
He instantly stiffened, peering at her intensely. "What got me??"
"I don't know!" She wailed, throwing her hands up. "Everyone in town just went... nuts! Children thinking they're demons! Kids dressed up as pirates are running around swinging swords... I'm a ghost! And Buffy... well... Buffy..."
Xander tilted his head, looking at her for a moment. "Ghost?"
Willow looked skyward, as if seeking patience. "Yes, Ghost! As in I'm all pass through and stuff! I can walk through walls and..."
Xander stepped forward, reached out, and poked a finger through her forehead. It passed easily through, so he smiled and swirled it around a bit, then moved it down testing her shoulder, chest, and face.
"Cut that out!!" She finally snapped, taking a step back from him. "That's not funny!"
"Of course not..." He looked speculative, "But I think we could find a use for someone of your talents... by the way, would you happen to know the way to the nearest bank?"
"Huh?" Willow blurted, confused. She pointed out of reflex, "It's three blocks that way..."
"Thank you for your help." Xander smiled at her, "Now I have to be going..."
"Xander! We need your help!!"
I rolled my eyes, though the non-corporeal redhead didn't see it. Why was it always me who got the call? Come here Jim, this planet needs saving... Come here Jim, the universe is in dire peril! Oh Jim... My sock drawer was just taken over by a pack of rabid porkuswine, could I trouble you for a bit of help?
Just once... Just ONCE mind you, I'd appreciate it if the universe would help itself!
But all I did was sigh, and nod.
"Alright, show me the way... who are we helping again?" I asked the non-corporeal red head.
"Buffy!" She snapped, rather rudely I might add.
"Now that is a stupid name." I added sagely.
She didn't seem to appreciate my wisdom, so I shrugged and obediently trudged along behind her. At least Angelina couldn't accuse me of chasing this one for her body, even if I were interested it's not like I could do anything with her.
Ok, so many the whole intangible thing has some downsides. Still, I wonder if she'd be interested in helping me see inside a nice bank or two?
Eh. Not worth it, I guess. Besides, it's more fun the old fashioned way.
Besides, if my darling Angelina ever learned I had a female partner in crime she'd probably cut valuable parts of my anatomy off while I slept. I sighed reminiscently, then started to get very depressed again. How I wound up back on Mud or Dirt or whatever wasn't bothering me nearly as much as what may have happened to my darling Angelina.
Anyone who wanted me out of the way for their own nefarious purposes, would have to take my whole family out as well. Otherwise they'd be very dead in short order. Assuming they were that lucky.
No matter. Deal with the problem at hand first, then worry about the bigger picture.
Angelina was out there, somewhere. And so were the Twins. One of them would find me, or find some way to deal old Slippery Jim back into the game.
I smiled nastily at the thought. Someone had won the first hand while I wasn't paying attention, but once I got back at the table, we'd see how the rest of the game went.
"There!" Willow pointed and yelled as they came around a corner to the sight of Buffy Summers cowering away from a trio of mini-me demons.
Xander raised and eyebrow, but leapt into action without a word. He caught the first demon with a swift kick that catapulted it twenty feet down the road, where it landed in a hissing and spitting ball. Number two received a heavy chop across the back of it's neck, followed by a hard crack from the helmet Xander now wielded in his hands.
The third tasted the helmet a moment later as Xander caught it on the backswing, sending it sprawling. The mini-demons took off in yelping pain a moment later, scattering in all directions as Xander looked around.
"Was that it?" He asked no one in particular, a bemused sort of look on his face.
Willow ignored him, rushing over to Buffy. "Buffy! Buffy! Are you alright?"
"Who is this 'Buffy' you speak of?" Buffy demanded hotly. "And do keep your distance. I'll not be associated with some tawdry woman of the night."
Xander frowned, looking over at her. "What's that?"
"What is what, kind Sir?" Buffy asked him, eyeing his odd clothing for a moment.
"Tawdry." Xander replied, "I don't know that word."
"She just called me a hooker." Willow said, her momentary flush of pique drowning out her normal shyness. Shyness which came rushing back in an instant as she realized what she had said.
Tawdry meant some kind of hook wielding person. Alright, whatever, I filed it away for later. It didn't help me understand why a 'hooker' would be objectionable to the lady in the dress, but I figured it was probably none of my business anyway.
"Well, if that's all done..." I clapped my hands clean. "I have some things I need to do."
"Xander! You can't leave! We need to stay together!" The Non-Corporeal Redhead yelled at me again.
I was honestly getting tired of being yelled at.
"No, please kind sir! Do not leave me with no strong man to protect me this night!" The blond cried.
I groaned.
I was also puzzled, though for a different reason then why I groaned.
I was racking my brain, trying to figure out why the blond was talking like that. Now, granted, I'm not really an expert on Mud's culture, but I am reasonably certain that people didn't talk like that in this century. It sounded more like how they talked back in that weird place, what was it called again? Oh yeah. France.
I shivered. At least whoever dropped me off hadn't sent me THERE. Once was more then enough.
I quickly put that aside and sighed again. "Alright. Fine. I'll stay with you both... for now. Lead on, oh air-filled one."
The red head scowled at me for some reason, but I cheerily ignored it.
The red head with the tangibility issues led us to a squat and rather unimpressive dwelling that she claimed belonged to the girl named 'Buffy'. Buffy, on the other hand, disputed this hotly.
To be honest, I was pretty much convinced that they were both due for a visit from the Psych boys, but then I think that pretty much everyone on planet Mud was in the same boat. Anyone who went through all the hassle of shrinking 'horses' into an infernal combustion engine rather then using simple nuclear power cores was in serious need of help from the head shirnkers.
"Look, we're here now..." I said as we stepped up to the front door, "Do you mind if I go now? I have things to do, people to rob."
"What?" The Red Head glanced at me as she motioned me to the door. "Never mind. No you can't go. We have to stick together until we figure out what's going on here! Xander, you're not yourself..."
"Of course I'm myself! I'm just not Xander." I objected, opening the door and letting them enter first. "Call me Jim."
"Jim. Right." The redhead muttered sarcastically, walking through the wall beside the door as the blond stepped past me with an aloof air about her.
I love women like that. They're so fun to rob.
For the moment though I made do with a quick scout of the house. It was a pleasant sort inside, I supposed. The decor reminded me of Angelina's choices in some ways, though considerably less expensive of course. Well, perhaps it wasn't the owners fault. I shrugged it off and started looking through the cabinets.
"Xander! What are you doing!?"
"Nothing... nothing... nothing..." I muttered, shaking my head.
"Don't give me that! I know you're doing something!"
"Nothing... still nothing... Aha!" I crowed in victory, pulling my head out of the back of the cupboard with a bottle in my hand. I sniffed lightly as I examined the sticker.
Wine.
Eh. It would have to do. I pulled the cork with my teeth and grabbed a glass from the cupboard, quickly pouring myself a generous serving.
"Xander!" The redhead's squealing finally got through to me and I looked at her, sick and tired of being called 'Xander'.
"Look, Red... Ghost... Whatever you are, my name is James Bolivar diGriz. At your service, unfortunately, and you may call me James, Jim, or MISTER diGriz. But do so quietly and without whining... assuming that you are capable of such." With that speech complete, I turned back to the wine I'd poured and took a sip.
Not bad.
I downed the glass and poured myself another.
"Fine!" The redhead snapped, slightly quieter. "JIM. This is NOT the time to be drinking! We're in serious trouble here."
"Can you think of a better time?" I demanded after draining half of the second glass, then topped it off again and stuck the cork back in the bottle. "What are you complaining about anyway? It's not like you can drink any, so you can't say I'm not sharing."
Not having an answer to that, the redhead fell back and fumed. I ignored her as I considered the situation. Someone had access to a Time Helix, and they'd gotten the drop on me and thrown me back to Planet Mud.
I sighed in irritation. What kind of primitives name their planet MUD anyway? It was annoying, couldn't they have coming up with something even *slightly* more imaginative?
Alright Jim, stay on topic here. Kidnaped, exiled to the distant past, trapped with bizarre monsters and equally bizarre young women. Frankly, I preferred the monsters.
I was working myself into another funk going round in circles like this, so I pushed myself away from the table and started to pace the floor.
Inventory, let's see.
I was practically *naked*, that much I knew.
Oh, not in the conventional sense, true, the suit I had one was more then enough to cover my modesty (Ha! Like I had any.), and protect my dainty skin from the elements. But in a more important sense, I was naked as a newborn babe. A quick check of my finger nails and toe nails told me that the micro-lock picks I wore were gone, and so was the one I kept clipped to a strand of hair along the back of my scalp.
In fact, I missing all of my precious hand built gear and only had a few off the shelf items hanging off my suit. There was an office duplicator, and for some reason whoever had kidnaped me had provided me with a hypno-learn device and some discs. I'd check them later, but they were probably useless. Stupid thing always gave me a headache anyway. I had some other small tools, but they were mostly office supplies.
Office supplies.
I frowned, why was that so familiar?
I couldn't remember, so I shrugged it off. It wasn't helping me anyway.
"You!" I snapped, turning on the red head.
She jumped, looking frightened. Funny, I don't think much would frighten me if I was intangible. Ah well.
"What?" She panted slightly in surprise.
"What year is it anyway?"
"What!?"
"Year. What year is it? Or is that too complicated for your dum dum brain?" I asked in exasperation.
"It's Nineteen Ninety Seven." She snapped back, "And keep your insults to yourself."
"When I insult you, Dum Dum, you'll know it." I replied absently, thinking quickly. Nineteen Ninety Seven. That was over twenty years after I'd landed the first time. Why here? Why now? And Who is behind it?
All good questions.
The problem was my most serious lack of anything resembling an answer.
"This is getting me no where!" I declared, "I'm a man of action, not a skulker in the shadows! Well... unless skulking in the shadows IS the action I'm doing... but that's beside the point."
I looked over at the redhead who was turning quite read in the face too. I frowned and leaned in closer, "Are you having a stroke?"
"No!" She snapped at me.
"Good. Don't have time for that." I said easily, straightening up. "We need a plan! We need a leader... luckily, we have me."
She was still glaring at me, but since she was keeping quiet now I didn't pay any attention to the glares.
"Ok, here's what we do..." I declared, "First we..."
I was interrupted by a scream from outside and a pounding on the doors.
"Let me in! Let me in!"
"That's Cordy!" the Redhead paled remarkably quickly.
I noted that with interest and wondered if she was afraid of the things that frightened this 'Cordy' or of 'Cordy' herself. I shrugged and didn't worry about it as I ran to the door and thre it open.
"No! Wait!" The redhead yelled, but I ignored her.
A rather skimpily clad girl in a car suit of some sort rushed in the door, with some more of those monsters on her tail. I really wish that I still had my trusty .75 recoiless. Instead I had to make do with kicking at the little thing, and sending it scampering away to, presumably, chew on someone else's leg.
I slammed the door behind her, leaning against it for a moment, and shook my head. "This planet gets weirder and weirder with every passing decade."
"Damn!" The new girl, Cody presumably, muttered. "It's like... hell out there!"
"You're name is Cordy, I'm Willow... You're not a cat..." The Redhead babbled.
Cordy looked at her with such a lovely expression of distaste that I almost applauded, and retorted scathingly. "Right. And you went Psycho *when* exactly??"
"Cordy! You're... You!"
I rolled my eyes, "Not this again."
Cordy ignored us both, looking down at her garments. "Look at what Jo Jo the dog face boy did to this! Do you think Party town will give me back my deposit now!?"
Women.
Attacked, mauled, almost killed... and still worried about her clothes.
I smiled, God I love them.
"Ignore her," I advised the brunette. "Ghost girl has been mumbling like that all night. She's driving me nuts."
They both gave me shocked looks, and redhead turned redder again. Interesting. I wonder how high she goes?
"What's with you, Loser?" The Brunette turned on me, "You and your pet here have a falling out?"
I stiffened, scowling instantly as I came to my feet and full height. "Loser!? Who are you calling a loser? I'm Slippery Jim diGriz, lady. I *NEVER* lose."
She looked at me in shock for a moment, then turned back to red. "What's with Harris??"
"He thinks he's some guy named Jim or James or something." the redhead muttered, "And he's really rude. Cordy! We have to get to Giles!"
"Oh no. I'm not going out there again!" She muttered as she shivered.
"No... no... I'll go." Red replied, "Nothing can hurt me anyway. You guys stay here."
"Pardon?" I spoke up again, "I'm not staying here while you get to go gallivanting across town. Gallivanting is MY speciality."
She glared in my direction again, but we were interrupted in our burgeoning argument by a loud clap of thunder that sounded as familiar to me as my own name in this moment. Familiar and welcome.
I rushed for the door, recognizing the sound for what it was. What it had to be.
A Time Helix!
They'd come for me. Nothing beats a strong family unit, afterall. The family that steals together, stays together.
I threw open the door to the welcome sight of my Angelina floating down on a Grav chut, coming right towards me.
"Angelina!" I shouted, "Darling, I've......."
As she touched down I trailed off, noting the disconcerting sight of the big barrel of her .75 caliber recoilless pistol aimed right between my eyes. One look at her face sent shivers down my back as I remembered the last time she'd looked at me like that. It was the time she'd shot me full of holes with a very similar weapon and left me for dead.
Her voice was equally cold when she spoke, staying a safe distance from me.
"Who are you?" She demanded, "And what have you done with my husband?"
"Angelina! Darling! Light of my life!" I said instantly in Esperanto, hands up in front of me to show they were empty. I started to take a step towards her, "Lust of my Loi..."
Boom.
The heavy roar of the .75 caliber recoilless echoed around me as she blew a chunk of the ground out from under my foot and left me precariously balanced on one foot as she calmly re-aimed the hand cannon at my head.
"Ok..." I said slowly, nodding. "I'll stay right here. In fact, it's a very nice place to stay while we talk this out..."
"There's nothing to talk about, you miserable thief." My darling wife snapped at me, bringing back precious memories of our wedding night. "I want my husband back!"
"But dear! I'm right here!" I protested hotly, or as hotly as I dared with the big bore pistol aimed at my skull.
"My Husband," She said coldly, though I thought I detected a slight waver to her voice and I could see that her eyes were rimming with red now, "Is lying on a bed in the Special Corps Infirmary, where he has been for the past *MONTH*! Every medical specialist in the Corps examined him to no avail until Doctor Coypu detected temporal tampering. Now you WILL return my husbands mind to his body, or I will kill you."
I froze. That was news to me. My body was back at the corps?
In that moment of indecision, I missed the approach of someone else, and soon felt the muzzle of another heavy pistol at the back of my head.
"James? Bolivar?" I asked hopefully, not looking back.
"We have him covered, Mother." One of my precious twins said quietly from behind me.
"And the others as well."
I sighed in distinct pleasure. My entire family was here, things would be perfectly alright just as soon as I talked them out of killing me. I quickly set my mind around that concept and set out to accomplish it.
"Darling, I swear to you, I know not how it came to pass but I am you're loving husband!"
Behind me one of the twins laughed, "Yeah, right 'Dad'. You're younger then we are."
Some days I wished that I had been more of a disciplinarian, then perhaps I could take whichever of those two had said that over my knee right now. But alas, I am not now, nor have I ever been. Besides, they weren't my main worry at the moment. If I didn't convince my darling wife soon, she'd shoot me and then I wouldn't have the chance to do anything else.
"Angelina, darling..." I tried again, "I swear... What can I say to convince you?"
A moment of silent communication passed in my wife's eyes, aimed at my son's I was certain. I shivered slightly, and decided to try again. "Please, Angelina... I am your faithful husband!"
"Faithful!" She laughed in my face. "Assuming what you say is true, here I find you with THREE younger women. Faithful indeed. Jim diGriz chased every skirt that crossed his path."
"Never!" I declared hotly, forgetting the gun for a moment. "I am yours now and always! These three mean nothing to me! Completely not my type, even if I were interested! They whine and complain far too much!"
"Not your type?" Angelina eyed the girls behind me, scowling prettily. "Don't lie to me, You like em like that!"
Ah. I started to relax markedly. My lovely Angelina was starting to react to me like... well... me.
"Never!" I said again, stoutly proclaiming my position. "You are the only woman for me!"
She rolled her eyes, but a saw a hint of old humor there and relaxed again. I was slowly inching out from under the gun. Soon my wife, my sons, and I would be together again and we would quickly track down the source of this insanity. Woe betide him, whoever it was that did this to me, because I don't believe I'll be feeling particularly generous when we meet. Perhaps I'd even let Angelina have her way... just this once.
"Alright," She said slowly, her gaze warming the cockles of my heart. "I'll give you a chance to prove it."
"Anything!" I declared. "Ask what you will I me!"
"Which one of your sons holds a gun to your head?" She asked, smiling sweetly.
I blinked, considering. "Do you mind if I look?"
"Go right ahead."
I looked over my shoulder at the calm expression on my son's face and then looked back. "My love, how could you even think I would not answer correctly? He is of my blood! My own son! I know him like I know the mechanism of a Tarnegan Lock... Bolivar holds the gun to my head."
There was a chuckling laugh behind me, and Angelina laughed sweetly as she lowered the gun.
"What's so funny?" I demanded.
"I'm James, Dad." The twin behind me said, shaking his head as he returned his pistol to it's holster. "He's Bolivar."
I glanced over my other shoulder to where Bolivar was holding a gun on the three girls and sighed.
My momentary chagrin didn't last long as I quickly found my arms full of a very warm and loving wife, and we kissed for a moment before a noise behind us caused us to remember where we were.
"Xander!"
I rolled my eyes. Not this again.
"Uh Dad... What are they yelling at you for?"
"I have no idea, James." I shrugged, "They seem to think that I'm some person named Xander.
"Xander!" The Redhead was yelling again, making me wish I had just one of my sleep grenades on me.
"Angelina... did you come prepared?" I asked after a moment.
"Of course," She smiled sweetly at me. "Grenades, sleep gas, knives... Our Honeymoon kit."
"I love you." I said simply, accepting a .75 recoilless that appeared from nowhere in her other hand.
"I know." She smirked back, then turned serious. "Still. Have you considered that perhaps this... Xander? Is the person whose body you're in?"
I blinked. Then groaned. Then smiled weakly at her in embarrassment. "I've been busy?"
She rolled her eyes slightly, shaking her head lightly. "This is why I should never let you go anywhere on your own. Can you understand them well enough?"
"Yes, yes... They speak a dreadful grunting language called English." I replied, shrugging my shoulder. "Or, in their case, they whine it most fluently."
"Hey Dad..." James spoke up, or was it Bolivar? "We're attracting attention."
I turned to follow his gaze just in time to see a group of rough looking types approaching us from the street. In the lead was a rather unsavory type with bleached hair and a surly air about him. My pistol was shortly in my hand as the group came to a stop.
The leader of the unsightly group sneered at me, then glanced back at his group. "Look at this, they think guns will stop us..."
The group chuckled, an ugly sound, but the leader didn't join in. He looked back at us, then beyond us. "Step aside, meat. We're after the Slayer."
"Who, or what, is a Slayer?" I asked, switching back to english.
"The blond in the dress behind you."
I glanced over my shoulder, noting that the cowering blond had actually mustered up the nerve to show herself. She quickly cowered back into the house. I shrugged, and turned back. "And why exactly do you want her?"
The leader sneered at me, "We're going to have a little... fun. Now, step aside and we'll kill you later."
"What are they talking about?" Angelina asked in Esperanto.
I shrugged, responding in the same. "They want us to step aside so they can have some 'fun' with the blond."
"I don't think so." Bolivar declared, dropping into a fighting stance.
"Indeed." Angelina sniffed. "This world is quite tiring, you know... No class in their criminal class."
I nodded my agreement, but something about the situation was bugging me. Something beyond the score of little monsters that were surrounding the leader and his flunkies. "Take care, family... Something is amiss here."
"Yeah..." James nodded slowly, looking around. "Where are the police anyway? Shouldn't they be here by now? I mean, there's a ton of damage and still some rioting..."
"Maybe their occupied elsewhere?" I suggested, "It hardly matters though. I suppose we can't just step aside and let them kill us later."
The twins laughed at my sardonic comment, but my lovely wife only smiled slightly.
I switched back to english, "Look Dum Dum, I think you'd better move on before things get broken. Like your bones."
Bleach boy glared at me, and just snarled. "Get them!"
And the fight was on.
"Oh my god." Willow paled, watching as Xander and the three newcomers formed a line between them and Spike's gang. "No! They're vampires! You can't fight them like that!"
But it was too late.
Both sides of the fight met halfway in the middle, and Willow's eyes bulged in shock as the first vampire went down. Hard.
One of the young twins put him down with a chop across the throat, followed by a vicious stomp that would have incapacitated any human instantly. It barely dazed the vampire.
"Behind you!!" Willow yelled, rushing out into the fight as the vampire started to get up.
She got between the vamp and the twin, distracting it as she yelled.
"James!" I snapped, "Behind you!"
Bolivar turned around, catching the blow the creature sent his way. "This things are strong, Dad!"
I'd noticed the same thing.
We were holding our own, better then that even. They were dropping fast, but the had more bounce then a planet hopper, and seemed impervious to damage.
"Fall back to the house!" I called finally, ordering the retreat.
We dropped back together, Angelina and I covering the twins until they'd gotten enough distance to draw their pistols and cover us. The echoing reports of the heavy gunfire was our signal to drop back, so we dropped out current opponents directly in the path of the others and fell out of the fight.
"Don't kill the small ones! They're children!" The redhead screamed.
"What' she yelling about?" Angelina asked, shooting an irritated glance at her.
"Don't shoot the little ones..." I gritted my teeth. "I think she's trying to say that they're caught up in the same thing I'm stuck in."
"Oh perfect." Angelina muttered, shifting her aim.
At the door to the domicile the twins took up positions at either side of the opening, firing away as Angelina and I reached the doorstep and dropped down under their angle of fire.
"Move!" I ordered as I fired off a couple rounds, aiming low to kick dirt up in their faces.
The twins ducked in as we covered them, then we followed as they covered us. Once inside, I threw the door shut and looked around quickly. "We need another way out of here. This won't stop them for long."
"Xander!" Willow yelled again as she appeared inside the door. "Would you listen to ME!!?"
Xander didn't pay any attention to her as he gibbered along to the tall black haired woman and the two young men in some language that flowed more easily from his lips then english ever seemed to.
"Why is she always yelling at you, Dad?" James asked me, and I had to shrug.
"I have no idea, Son." I replied, "She's been doing that all night. One moment..."
I switched back to english and sighed heavily, "Yes? May I help in some other way? Wash your feet perhaps? Carry you across the street?"
"Damn it! Stop doing that!" She reddened again, sputtering nicely. "Who are these people?? And why were you kissing HER?"
I blinked in astonishment, then switched back to Esperanto. "She seems to be annoyed with me for kissing you, Darling."
"Maybe she and this 'Xander' person are involved?" Angelina asked me tartly.
I winced. I truly hoped not, for his sake. But it had to be considered, so I turned to her and reverted to the gibbering guttural glop that was the English language. "Excuse me... Would you and this 'Xander' be involved by any chance? In the biblical sense, that is?"
Amazingly enough, she turned even redder.
"Is that color healthy?" Bolivar asked curiously.
"I doubt it." Angelina shook her head. "I've seen people die of strokes before reaching anywhere near that color. Her blood pressure must be astronomical."
"She really should relax." James observed, "Being that tightly wound is a sure way to an early grave."
I shrugged, "Living in this town, that may not be a leading cause. Where ARE the police anyway? Not that I really want them to arrive, but they're normally excessively enthusiastic about this sort of things..."
Our family sidebar apparently gave the redhead the time she needed to recover sufficiently to speak.
"NO!" She blurted, surprising the hell out of me. I'd forgotten the question.
"Huh?" I frowned, "No what?"
"No, Xander and I are NOT involved!"
Ah. That. Of course. Well, that made things simpler. "Well then I don't see the problem with my kissing my wife."
"WIFE!?"
This time it was two of them screaming in shock. The brunette and the redhead at the same time. I winced and fell back, eyes bulging in surprise.
"Gee dad, you have a way with women, that's for sure."
"Shut up James." I muttered.
"He's James," My son pointed out with a smirk, "I'm Bolivar. What are they screaming about now?"
"Same thing, oddly enough." I replied, risking a glance out the window. "Damn. Still there... Why aren't they trying to get in?"
"Because they're vampires." The redhead muttered, looking eager to talk about anything other then this Xander person for once. "They can't come in unless they're invited."
"Vampires?" I asked, puzzled. "What is a Vampire?"
"You've never heard of vampires?" The redhead looked at me as if I'd grown a new head.
"Should I have?" I asked, confused.
"Now what are you two talking about?" Angelina sidled up to me.
I shrugged helplessly. "Something about vampires."
"What is a... vampire?" She asked, just as confused as I was.
Probably with better reason, since I had to use the english word because I didn't know what the hell it could possibly translate into Esperanto as. I just shrugged, "She hasn't said exactly..."
I turned back to the redhead, waving my hands in the air. "Vampire. What is it?"
She stared at me like a blinking fish for a long moment, then started to talk so damned fast that my meager skills in her grunting language were hard pressed to keep up.
"Vampires... you know? They drink blood, live forever, can't be killed without wooden stakes through the heart...."
"Stop!" I threw up my hands, "I think I heard something of tactical use... What's this about wood?"
She stared at me again, as if *I* were the one who was stupid. "Wooden stakes through their hearts will kill them."
I shook my head, "Look dum dum, wooden stakes through MY heart will kill me too! What's your point?"
"What are you blathering about?" Angelina asked after a moment, when the redhead started one of her blood pressure cycles again.
I shrugged, "She's gibbering about blood drinking and wooden stakes."
"Wooden stakes?" James looked over, "In the heart?"
"Yes actually..." I peered over at James with owlish eyes, "Do you know what she's talking about?"
"It rather sounds like the old vampire legends." James told me.
"Vampire?" I asked, tasting the word in Esperanto. "What the hell is that?"
"For someone who knows as much trivia as you do, Jim," Angelina chided me, "You missed out on some peculiar things. Vampires were ravenous beasts of old mythology... they killed people in the thousands, drinking blood and all sorts of atrocities."
I stared at my lovely wife for a long moment before shivering. "I'm not even going to ASK where or *when* you dug up that information... nor do I want to know what use you intended to put it to. However, as it may pertain to our current situation, I'll entertain ideas at this point."
"If they ARE vampires," James said thoughtfully, "and I'm not conceding that they are... then we may be in real trouble."
"Oh?" The door behind me suddenly slammed forward as I put my weight into it, "And what gives you that idea, oh Son of mine?"
"There are supposed to be all sorts of 'mystical' powers that vampires use..." James muttered, firing a shot out the window. "They're super strong..."
"Check!" I grunted as the door banged again. "Next?"
"Fast..."
"Yeah. That too."
"They are difficult to damage in any permanent manner..."
Bolivar nodded from where he was covering another window. "They fit that description too."
"Some legends claim that they can shapeshift... turn into mist, bats, and the like..." James went on.
"Well, we haven't seen any of that, thank god." I said grimly, still holding my back to the bucking door. "If we can't fight them fair, what about hitting them with sleeping gas and tying them up?"
"That might work..." James said doubtfully.
"But??" I pushed.
"But the legends are fairly consistent on one thing about vampires..."
"And what, pray tell, would that be?"
"They're dead." My prim wife, Angelina informed me simply. "That's how they became vampires."
I blinked.
"Excuse me?" I asked in a frightfully calm manner. "Would you mind clarifying that slightly? They seem quite alive to me..."
"That's the legend dad..." James shrugged apologetically, firing off another two booming rounds to scare away the little monsters. He nodded to the red head, "Ask her... maybe she knows more."
"Oh lovely. This is a conversation I'm so happy to be having." I muttered, shaking my head. I gave in to the inevitable, though, and switched to english. "Pardon me... but these... Vampires... ummm... this may sound insane, but would they be alive or dead?"
"Dead of course."
I groaned, rubbing my face with my free hand. "Would that mean that sleeping gas wouldn't work on them?"
She frowned, thinking briefly, and I felt a surge of hope. Which, of course, the redhead gleefully dashed in the next moment. "I don't think so. Vampires don't need to breath."
I sighed. "No go on the sleeping gas. They don't breathe."
"Told you." Angelina smirked at me.
I rolled my eyes, holding back a grunt as the door jerked and shivered again. "That's it! I'm not sitting here anymore! We will deal with this, then we WILL get my mind out of this body and this INSANE world, and back where it belongs!"
"That sounds lovely, dear," Angelina smiled at me. "We await your genius plan with baited breath."
Now, you may believe it or not, but that cheered me up immensely. Facetious or not, a little support from your lovely wife can do wonders for the soul. Besides, whether she meant it just then or not, I *AM* a genius, and so ANY plan I make is, by definition, a genius plan.
So I held the door, let my eyes roll back in my head, and thought so hard I imagined smoke curling from my ears.
To no avail.
Guns seemed to hurt them, but it was temporary. Sleeping gas was out. I had, of course, an assortment of other weapons and tools thanks to my lovely Angelina, but being who I was, they were all decidedly non-lethal.
"AHHH!" I snarled after a moment. "I need a...!"
"Drink?" James asked, offering me a flask.
"Bless you!" I gushed, grabbing the flask and uncapping it. I sniffed the ambrosia within, then took a solid jolt of the hard liqueur and sighed in relief. "Oh bless you, bless you, bless you. I'd swear that this poor, deprived, body never allowed himself such a simple pleasure. Alright... back to work."
The problem was straightforward, the objective was to survive, of course. Past that, we had to deal with the body switch, but I had a distinct feeling that these were two separate matters.
Two separate matters.
My eyes gleamed. I knew they did, because as soon as it happened my dear Angelina gleamed right back at me.
"What?" I asked, confused.
"Don't you hold out on me, Jim." She told me in no uncertain terms. "I've seen that look before. You've got a plan."
"Indeed I do," I smacked my lips deliciously as I took another pull from the flask and reached over to pull my wife a little closer. "And it's pure genius."
"I have no doubt," She squirmed deliciously against me, accepting a draught from the flask as I offered it, though she only took a sip. "Now how about sharing?"
"With pleasure!" I grinned madly, causing the three young women in the room step away in sudden fear. Good. They were getting on my nerves anyway. "Here's what we'll do..."
"Hit it again!" Spike snarled, literally throwing one of the mini-demons against the door to 'motivate' the others to do more.
The door was still holding, despite their efforts, but was finally showing signs of weakening. There was a crack running down the wood, and some of the framing was splintered in places, so Spike knew that it was only a matter of time now.
Time that abruptly ran out when the door swung open and two people rushed out through it as shots rang out from the windows again.
Spike threw himself to the ground, cursing in anger as a shot knocked clumps of dirt up into his face.
Angelina and I threw ourselves out the door, smoke, gas, and flash grenades flying from our hands like water. The little darlings detonated nicely, creating a mass of chaos and confusion as I made careful note to breath through the filter I'd slipped into my nose.
Among the sleeping gas, Angelina had also mixed in a supply of blackout gas, which spread invisibly through the air in it's insidious way. Among the little monsters the sleeping gas seemed to work fine, dropping them in their tracks and leaving them slumped peacefully, if not cutely, across the manicured lawn.
The blackout gas, on the other hand, seemed to work fine even among the 'vampires'.
The entire 'battle' was over in moment, and I waited a short while for the gas to be blown away before I blinked out the contacts and slipped them back into my supplies.
"See? Dead or alive, they have human ocular nerves..." I grinned proudly.
"My genius." Angelina kissed me lightly.
I reveled in the moment, of course, then it passed.
"Of course," She ruined the moment, "It was a rather basic plan, wasn't it? I'm surprised you didn't just throw open the door and scream Charge!"
I scowled lightly at her, as much as I could muster, "True genius is in simplicity."
"And if they hadn't been affected by the blackout gas?" Angelina asked pointedly.
I shrugged, "As strong as they are, we could have taken four of them if we had to."
She rolled her eyes, but smiled slightly, and I knew that she wasn't complaining so I turned my attention to the writhing forms on the ground.
"My eyes!" The bleached blond 'vampire' yowled from the ground. "I can't see!!"
"Shuddaup." I snarled, kicking him in the ribs.
I'm not a violent man by nature, but people who try to kill my family deserve no civilized behavior in turn, so I felt no guilt as he yelped in pain and cursed out at me again.
"We should hurry up, Dad," Bolivar... or was it James?... advised. "We don't know how long it'll take for them to heal from this."
I nodded. "Alright. Tie them up?"
"We should just stake them," My lovely Angelina said, shaking her head. "They're murderers, Honey..."
I truly loved my wife, beyond all other things in the universe, but sometimes she could be frightfully cold blooded. I shook my head, "No, I can't kill something lying helplessly on the ground. We'll leave them for the authorities."
"I don't think this is a good idea, Jim." Angelina said as we cinched the hands and feet together with unbreakable plastic strips. "Besides, they're already dead... remember?"
"Far too mobile for me to consider them dead, my dear." I replied as the three girls came out of the house and stared at us in shock.
It was the redhead, big shock, who started yelling first.
"Xander! Just stake them!"
I groaned, jostling the flask of good strong drink, and determined it to be half full so I drew another gulp and capped it again. "I'm not into cold blooded murder." I told her in no uncertain terms.
"They're vampires!" She retorted, apparently thinking that was a magic word or something.
I shrugged my shoulders and turned away from her and back to my family.
"Alright, with this dealt with, we still have to locate the cause of all this trouble. I don't suppose any of you might have an idea on how to manage that?"
"But of course." My darling wife replied with a sweet smile. She quickly retrieved an unfamiliar device from her pouch and held it up. "Professor Coypu spent over a week perfecting this..."
I groaned. "Please don't tell me it's a prototype."
"On of a kind." She replied, far too happily for me.
"You know how much I hate putting mu trust in his first attempts..." I muttered unhappily. "They never work exactly as advertised.
"Now hush, dear." She chastised me slightly. "You know he does his best. Frankly, I think he did marvelously well. It did lead us straight to you, you know."
"Alright.... alright." I conceded the point. Never let it be said that Slippery Jim diGriz doesn't know when he's been defeated. Not that it happens to anyone else but my lovely Angelina, of course, but somehow I'm still getting used to the sensation. "So what does this marvelous piece of manufactured artistry do exactly?"
"When set one way, it locates the trail your mind left through the ether when it was pulled into this time," She told me primly, "Something to do with a temporal signature calibrated to your... erratic brainwaves."
"Erratic!"
"The Professors words, dear, not mine." She said, smiling sweetly as she brushed her hand along my cheek to mollify me.
"Yeah, dad," James replied, "She used the word 'harebrained'."
Angelina and I both glared him down until he ducked his head and tried to get lost as much as was possible in the night. What brats I raised.
"Sorry, Darling..." My darling wife apologized, blushing prettily. "I was... stressed."
"I'm sure." I replied, someone dryly, but smiled to convey my acceptance of her apology. "Now... back to the subject at hand... what else does this marvel of modern technology do?"
"If we set it thus..." She flipped a simple switch, "It locks onto the source of the temporal disturbance."
The little device instantly began barking out an insistent tone, one that grew more insistent as Angelina turned around. Finally it fell into a flat whine and she stopped.
"That direction." She told me unnecessarily.
"So I'd gathered." I replied with a half smirk. "Shall we?"
"By all means."
"Boys, come along... we're off to find the source of this trouble and deal him a good lesson in what families he should NOT mess with." I called to James and Bolivar as Angelina and I started down the street.
"Hey! Where are you going!?" The Brunette called out, looking troubled.
I turned back, "We're going to find the cause of the nights troubles, and hopefully cause some trouble right back."
"Well I'm not staying here with ghost girl and Cinderella." She snapped. "I'm following the guys with guns."
I shrugged. "Suit yourself, but we may not have time to protect you. You should just go inside and lock yourself in."
"Now you listen to me, Xander Harris, I don't know who you think you are, but if you think I'm staying with THAT," She muttered, pointing to the blond. "You're even loonier then you're acting."
I sighed, turning to Angelina and explained the situation.
"She's right you know," My wife said after some thought. "The blond is utterly worthless... she'd be easy pickings for any of these things."
I shook my head, fondly remembering the old days when it was just me out for myself with no such worries to dog my conscience. After a moment I gave up, "Fine... does anyone have a suggestion?"
My wonderfully supportive family shrugged their shoulders to a man... and woman. I closed my eyes and shook my head. Alright, as unlikely as it seemed, perhaps one of the locals had an idea. "Is there anywhere you can go where you'd be safe?"
"The library." The redhead replied quickly. "Giles would be there... he could help. I'm sure."
"Fine. Library it is. Lead the way, oh red faced one." I said with a majestic wave.
She scowled at me again, but I whistled cheerfully and ignored her.
And so, onward we trooped through the streets of Mud, off to find the library. Behind us we left the sputtering 'vampires' bound and trussed on the ground, still screaming about their eyes, while a dozen mini-monsters slept peacefully around the ugly squat little home.
A touching scene to someone, I'm sure.
Joyce Summers was having a bad night.
And that was putting the best possible spin on things she could manage.
Things had started out well enough, as they usually do, with her meeting up with the group of children she'd volunteered to chaperon because Dawn's school had a surprising lack of volunteers. She'd, of course, requested her daughters group, much to Dawn's disgust.
They had gone to several houses, when everything went totally nuts. More the half the children had collapsed around her, nearly giving her a heart attack as she realized that Dawn was one of them. She fell to her knees, checking them each as quickly as she could, and found that they were all still breathing, so she started calling for help.
It was about then that she looked around and realized that the same scene was being repeated all through the area. Groups of people were lying on the ground, or standing over them in shock, and yelling for help. In some parts of the neighborhood screams were starting, and Joyce was relieved when the kids started to move and get up.
Relief that didn't last too long when about half of those who'd fallen turned on those who hadn't. Joyce quickly found herself pulling children off each other, trying not to hurt either side, and rapidly getting hurt herself in the process.
Things had gone downhill from there.
The neighborhood had fallen into chaos within moments, and while struggling to keep the children from hurting each other, Joyce had lost track of Dawn.
Since that moment, she'd been in an increasing state of panic as she struggled between trying to keep one group of children from, apparently, EATING another group of children, and the search for her youngest.
<Oh God, I hope Buffy's ok.> She thought desperately.
In the process, she'd gathered a large group of the 'normal' children around her and they were all frightened and crying and she was becoming harder and harder put not to join them.
That had gone on for some time, until one of the larger groups of children turned monsters had noticed them. This group had some leaders that seemed to be adults, though they acted just as bad as the little monsters, and they'd quickly run down Joyce and her group of children, pushing them into a fence.
Joyce stood out, between the kids and the other group, and glared as much as she could manage through her fear.
"You're NOT hurting these children!"
"Of course not." One of the adult smiled nastily, "We're just going to EAT them."
The children wailed and cowered, especially as the adult *changed*and the whole group started forward.
Joyce steeled herself, refusing to move despite the hopeless odds, gripping a flimsy stick in her hand as she shook from the tension.
Then the world seemed to explode around her.
The universe is out to get me.
That's the only explanation I can think of for the fact that it saddled me with both a penchant for crime and a niggling pain in the rear of a conscience. The two most certainly do NOT mesh well together, let me tell you.
Why am I blathering about this?
Because, once again, in the middle of a vital mission (at least it's vital to me this time, and not to the rest of the universe... useless bunch of slackers.) I find myself distracted by my conscience.
Well, that and the fact that the red faced specter was screaming, the brunette was sputtering, and my wife was already charging to the rescue of the blonde woman.
Alright, alright. I admit it...
So was I dammit.
Like I said, a thief with a conscience is perhaps the single most pitiful thing in the universe. It's a good thing I such a GOOD thief, otherwise I'd never get around to actually *stealing* anything.
Inskipp would be laughing his portly backside off if he could see me now.
The blond woman was standing off more of those vampires when we happened on them, protecting children in costume. I had to admit, it was a brave thing to do. Stupid, of course, since she didn't stand a chance, but brave.
She deserved better then becoming lunch for this 'vampire' things.
We led with concussion grenades this time, not because we were running out of the blackout and sleep gas, but because they were grouped so close together that we'd have put out all the children an the woman as well. The concussion grenades caused considerably more distress then a dose of sleep gas, but one recovered from them much quicker and Angelina and I apparently had the same thought on that matter.
We may have to be ready to run.
Have I mentioned how much I love my wife?
The blasts roared and swept over her, driving Joyce to the ground as she sheltered the children as best she could from the unknown attack, her world dissolving into a series of sparkling lights and echoing blasts.
Around her she could hear the occasional cry of pain and shock penetrate her dazzled senses, but that was all as the hollow ringing continued to assault her head. After a moment she had the sense that the noise had stopped, and there was nothing but the ringing left.
Around her, there was an almost eerie sense of stillness, and Joyce rapidly tried to blink off the flashes that were still echoing across her eyes. She turned her head around, trying to get a picture of what was going on around her as best she could, and almost jumped out of her skin when she felt a hand on her arm.
The hand was gentle though, pulling her to her feet with a firmness that was comforting as she finally started to shake off the ringing, flashing, distractions in her head.
"Xander?" She asked, puzzled and relieved when she recognized the young man's face.
He cocked his head, then looked over his shoulder. "Someone else this body knows, I presume?"
"She's Buffy's mother." Joyce saw Willow appear behind Xander, then blinking in confusion as the redhead seemed to walk *through* another young man she didn't know.
"Would you mind NOT doing that? It's disturbing." The man said, shivering.
"Sorry." Willow said flatly, not looking back. "Are you alright, Mrs Summers?"
"I... I'm fine, Willow." Joyce said shakily. "Just a little shook up."
"Buffy!" Joyce suddenly shouted, her voice relieved. "Thank God, you're ok!"
Buffy didn't look over at her, didn't even seem to notice her name being called.
"Buffy?"
"She's... not herself." Willow hedged. "We don't know what's going on but some of the people around have been... affected."
Joyce paled. "Yes... the children... some of them attacked us. Buffy... did she?"
"No no no!" Willow said quickly. "She's not violent... just... well... useless."
Joyce shook her head a little bit, looking down at the ground, and her eyes widened in shock as she saw the adults that had threatened them laid out on the ground, snarling and threatening, but unable to move as their limbs were bound with plastic strips.
"I think I need to sit down." She muttered, blinking and trying to shake off the unbalancing sensations still ricocheting through her head.
"Not right now, lovely lady," Xander said earnestly, suddenly wincing as he caught a glare from a woman that Joyce didn't recognize. He stammered for a bit, then recovered and went on, "I believe that we should consider being on our way before we attract any more attention. We're heading to the library, there should be ample room for everyone... then, we will get to the bottom of this night."
"Take the children." Joyce said instantly. "I have to find Dawn."
"Dawn's missing!?"
Dawn.
I frowned.
Oddly, that name meant something to me, though I honestly couldn't place it. Not that Angelina glaring at me over the 'lovely lady' gaff was helping my thought processes much.
It's odd, though.
When the blond woman said that she had to find Dawn, I felt a sudden surge of emotion. One that I had felt before, but only when one of my family was threatened.
"Who is this Dawn?" I asked immediately, peering at the shocked redhead.
The blond stared at me, open mouthed in shock, but the redhead thankfully kept her head.
"Dawn is Buffy's little Sister. This is their mother, Joyce Summers."
"Pleased to meet you, Joyce." I smiled at the woman, then wilted once more under a redoubled glare from my ever lovely Angelina. "Now... I do believe that we should get everyone here to safety, then I will personally locate this Dawn person. I swear it."
"What is going on here!?" Joyce asked, almost plaintively.
The redhead, what was her name again?, began babbling again. "I don't know, Mrs Summers... but Xander thinks he's some guy named Jim, and these people are his family, and..."
"Xander's family??"
"No... Jim's."
Joyce blinked. "But... You said that he *thinks* he's some guy named Jim... If they aren't Xander's family... then why are they here?"
"To rescue me, of course. They are my wife and sons." I replied, thinking to end the conversation.
Boy was THAT a miscalculation.
"Xander!? You have a wife and two sons??" Joyce blurted without time for thought.
"No, no!" Willow hastened to correct. "Jim does."
Joyce stared between us for a moment, then shook her head. "I need to sit down."
"AT the library, Joyce." I said, "At the library."
She wearily conceded the point, and we started to usher the children through the streets.
"Weird."
"You're telling me, Man?" Devon said, shaking his head. "These costumes get more wacked every year. Check out that guy in the space suit..."
Devon and Oz watched as the troop marched across the crosswalk, some of them with what appeared to be drawn weapons. Costume props, of course.
"Hey." Oz said suddenly, leaning forward intently. "Who's the girl?"
"What girl?" Devon asked, looking at the group with a bit more interest. "The blond or the brunette?"
"Redhead."
"Huh. Dunno. A little Goth for you, don't you think?"
Oz just shrugged as the group move on out of sight.
Then the light changed and they drove through.
Rupert Giles looked up in shock as the door to his library burst open and an entire troupe of children stomped into HIS sanctum.
"Now see here!" He sputtered, climbing to his feet, then suddenly trailed off in shock as he spotted the thoroughly bedraggled Joyce Summers among the group. "What on earth...??"
"Earth!" Xander, of all people, suddenly shouted. "That's what it's called!"
Giles blinked. "Pardon?"
"What? Oh, never mind. Just a stray thought." Xander said dismissively as he turned to Willow. "Alright, now, are you certain you'll be safe here?"
Willow nodded.
"Safe? From what? Buffy..."
"Don't bother, Giles." Willow sighed. "Buffy's not home."
"Pardon?"
"She means that the blond's pretty much a waste of time." Cordy muttered, taking a seat as some of the kids started to sniffle.
Xander shrugged, shaking his head. "I don't know about that... I used to love women like her."
"Oh you DID did you?" A woman that Giles didn't know crossed her arms, glaring daggers at Xander.
Xander smiled, sweeping the woman into his arms. "Of course, dearest... they were always the easiest marks."
The woman tried glaring at him for a little while longer, but gave it up as he smiled innocently at her. She finally melted into his arms a bit and they kissed.
"Xander...?" Giles sputtered, replacing his glasses to his nose with alacrity.
"He's not home either, Giles." Willow muttered, staring wistfully at a chair. "God i wish I could sit down."
"Then do so." Giles said, turning on her, "And what do you mean, he's not 'home'?"
Willow sighed, then reached out and passed her hand through the chair. "I can't sit down, Giles... I'd fall on my butt... and I mean that none of us are exactly... normal, right now."
"Oh Good lord." Giles fell back into his chair, rocking it on to two legs as he stared at Willow in shock.
Xander let the strange woman go and pulled up a chair, hastily offering it to the woman, then got one of his own. He straddled it comfortably, then looked around the room. "We seem to have a situation... Now, Joyce?"
"Yes Xander?" Joyce asked tiredly as she found a chair of her own.
"Would you happen to have a picture of this... Dawn person?"
"What in the bloody HELL is going on!?"
I jumped back, along with most everyone else, as the older man blew up at us. After a moment I smoothed my proverbially ruffled feathers and glared at him, "Really now, is that necessary?"
Angelina rolled her eyes, speaking in Esperanto. "People of this time are so terribly excitable."
"Yeah, Dad... You'd think something weird was going on or something."
"Oh be quiet, James." I muttered.
"I'm James, Dad." My other son said, "He's Bolivar."
I sighed, shaking my head painfully, and turned back to the conversation that was even now under way.
"What do you mean you all became your costumes?" Giles sputtered, "That's preposterous... No one in their right mind would cast a spell like that!"
"Gee, who have guessed it was a nutcase?" Xander asked dryly, rolling his eyes as he said something in a language that Giles didn't recognize.
In short order the strangers were laughing at him along with Xander.
Giles glared at him, but was interrupted by Willow.
"Don't." She said tiredly.
"Huh?"
"Don't try arguing with him." Willow advised him, "Whoever is in control of Xander's body has a real smart mouth."
Xander shrugged, "You know, your words sound like a compliment but judging from your tone I'd say that I'm getting insulted."
"Of course," Xander shrugged, "Coming from someone dressed like that... I'm not too worried about it."
"SEE!?" Willow blew, pointing at Xander.
"Uhm... ah... yes... well, let's get back to the matter at hand..." Giles tried to redirect the conversation.
"Indeed," I agreed quickly, turning to Joyce. "Now, did you say that you had a photo of this Dawn person?"
She nodded, quickly retrieving her purse.
Why I even had to ask, is an eternal wonder. Of course she had a photo, and of course it was in the purse. Angelina never went anywhere without pictures of our sons.
Or military grade weapons and custom assembled 'tools of the trade'. But that's beside the point.
"Here." Joyce said, handing me the photo.
"What's that, Dad?" Bolivar asked me in Esperanto.
I showed him the photo, "This girl is out there somewhere. Her name is Dawn, I told the good lady here that I'd track her down."
Bolivar took the photo and showed it to James.
Angelina sidled up closer to me, frowning. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that you were attracted to the lady, Jim."
"Moi? Please, Angelina! How can you say such a thing!" I objected with as much indignation as I could manage considering the pistol that was digging into my side.
"Jim."
I sighed, "It's not her, Angelina. It's this Dawn person..."
"She's a touch young for you, isn't she?" Angelina growled, delicate eyebrows arched.
This time I glared back, "Not like that, and you know me better. I just... I don't know, got a flash of concern when they mentioned that she was missing. I think that maybe this Xander person cares about her."
Angelina nodded slowly, and I felt the pistol let up.
"Alright," I turned to my family. "This girl is our target... We're going to find her and bring her back."
"You got it, Dad." James replied.
Bolivar nodded, "We'll find her."
I smiled.
Family is such a precious thing.
"Ok, let's go." I told them as Angelina and I gathered up our gear.
"Wait!" The redhead yelled, causing me to jump again.
"Don't DO that!" I grunted in englich. "Really now. If you can't talk civilly, just be silent. It's far more attractive."
She stared at me, open mouthed for a time, looking oddly like a fish I once saw in the holos. All things considered, I think it was a better look for the fish.
"I believe." The older man said, "That what Willow was saying was where do you think you are going?"
"I'm going to keep a promise to a lady." I said simply, with a nod to Joyce. "And find her daughter. Have no fear, I will return in short order. In the meanwhile... Why don't you all... uh... do whatever it is that you do."
With that I turned and lead my family from the room.
Giles stared after Xander and the strangers, mouth hanging open in an imitation of Willow's own current look.
"Well." Cordelia shook her head, "Geek boy certainly grew a spine. I think I could like this version of him."
Willow shot her a glare, "You... you.... you...."
Cordy arched an eyebrow, "Yes? Go on..."
"Shut up!" Willow finally finished.
"Wow." Cordy drawled, unimpressed. "Maybe you should be in the cat suit instead of me."
Willow stared at her for a long moment, getting redder and redder.
"Of course," Cordelia went on, looking over Willow's own attire. "I think anything would cover you up better. Really Willow, I know they say that when you have it you should flaunt it, but you really DO have to HAVE it in the first place."
With that she turned on her heel and marched to the other side of the room while Willow's mouth opened and closed several times without any sound coming out.
Ah glorious freedom!
The air, stale and smoke clogged as it was, smelled a thousand times better now that I was free from the intangible redhead and the whiny blond.
"Alright, what's the plan, dad?"
I turned to my wife and sons, and shrugged a bit. "Not much of one I'm afraid. You've all memorized her picture?"
They nodded.
"Alright, we split up and see if we can't find her. James, you and Bolivar stick together, Angelina and I will do the same." I told them. "First one that finds her... wins."
The twins grinned and I matched their smiles as my lovely wife shrugged and sighed.
"Save me from male competitiveness." She said flatly a moment later.
I just shrugged and gave her an apologetic look before smiling at the boys again. "Ready? Set. Go!"
The stars were right, or close enough anyway, but nothing else was.
The town was insane, for one thing.
It almost looked like what those city clickers back east thought the wild west was supposed to look like. Of course, even they weren't stupid enough to think that the wild west was filled with monsters.
The woman walked calmly through the middle of the carnage, untouched by the calamity that existed around her.
A woman screamed from her side, drawing her attention.
A large man was attacking this woman, actually leaning in to *bite* her.
The Colt 45 Peacemaker barely whispered as it cleared leather, her finger squeezing down on the trigger of the single action revolver as the palm of her other hand swept across the hammer.
Blam!
The first shot was low and to the left, taking the man's leg from under him.
Blam!
The second tracked higher, drilling into his belly just above the centerline, doubling him over in mid air.
Blam!
The third punched a hole in his head, right between the eyes, as he fell.
She didn't feel a need for a fourth shot.
The woman was sobbing on the ground, blood running from her throat as she walked over. She thumbed open the metal that covered the revolver's chambers and gently pushed the chamer ahead until she saw the first spent shell.
"Y'all ok, Ma'am?" She asked, flipping the Colt up and shaking the shell out.
"I... I..." The woman shivered, looking around in shock. "I think so."
"You might want ta put a bandage on that cut." She advised the woman, shaking the last spent cartridge from her revolver.
That done she pulled three fresh ones from her belt and calmly replaced the one she had fired. Only then did she reach down and pull a scarf from her pocket and hand it to the injured woman. "Here. Hold this tight... right there."
The woman did as she told her, then looked up at her in wonder. "Wh... who are you?"
She smiled down at the woman, pushing the stetson up off her brow. "Jane Canary, Ma'am. But you kin call me Calamity."
Giles took the last of several dozen deep breaths and looked over at Willow. "Ok... Again, from the top... Tell me everything that happened from the moment you got your costumes... no... before that, where did you get them from?"
Willow took a deep breath, thinking back. "It was that new place... Umm.... Ethans! Yeah, that's it!"
"Ethans??" Giles stared at her in shock.
Joyce looked up, "That's where I bought Dawn's costume!"
Willow and Giles looked at her in undisguised horror.
"Dear lord! What did she dress as??"
"A Cowgirl..." Joyce shrugged. Then looked confused, "Why... I mean... You don't think...?"