Xander Harris was on his Great American Road Trip.
Just what was he doing on this road trip you may ask? He was walking down an alley in lower Manhattan. He was patrolling. The same thing he did every night. As they say you can take the boy out of the Hellmouth, but you just can't take the Hellmouth out of the boy.
As he was walking Xander heard a male voice, "aren't you a scrumptious young think. I could just eat you up. You know, I think I will." This was immediately followed by a scream and some sounds of growling.
Xander ran towards the apparent scuffle. He saw the attacker with his head buried in the woman's neck and responded from habit as he pulled out his stake. "Hey ugly? I got something nice and pointy with your name on it."
The attacker turned around, but oddly wasn't in 'game-face.' "Hey, I'm not interested in a threesome pal, fine your own."
"Huh?" Was all the Sunnydale native could manage before he heard another voice.
"You are all under arrest for solicitation and lewd & lascivious conduct."
Xander turned to see two uniformed police officers standing behind him. "Officer, I wasn't. I mean, I heard screaming and I came to help."
"Right," the officer looked at him incredulously. "All the white knight's of the world come up and say 'I've got something nice and pointy with your name on it.'" He shook his head in disbelief. "Tell it to the Judge."
Xander was booked and found himself in a holding cell waiting to be arraigned. He wouldn't even see his public defender until he was brought before the judge.
"How on earth do I get myself into these things." He wondered to himself.
He found that in New York there was so much crime that they actually had night sessions for arraignments. So, all he could do was sit down and wait his turn.
"Harris, Alexander L.!"
He looked up at the sound of a booming voice calling his name and saw a man who stood at least 6'8 if he was an inch. He was entirely bald and wearing a bailiff's uniform. He was a frightening site and Xander wondered for a moment what kind of demon he was. Whatever he was he was down right frightening.
"Harris, Alexander L.!"
The voice called again, this time Xander summoned his courage and responded. "Aha, that would be me." His voice was extremely hesitant.
The man took one finger and made a come here gesture and Xander walked towards the cell door. He looked up at the man and said again, "I'm Alexander Harris."
Then, to Xander's eternal surprise, the man opened the door and smiled at him and said, "Okey-Dokey."
The tall man took Xander and they entered a courtroom. The first thing he noticed were the two people from the alley. He then noticed the judge who seemed like a very young man to be a judge, not that his experience with judges ranged further then watching Judge Wapner on the 'People's Court.'" Xander's attention remained with the judge as he began to speak.
"Hey, Mac-a-roni, what's up next on the docket?"
A man in a knit sweater walked over to the judge with an arm full of files, "ah well you know the usual, sir. Just our usual night-o-fun. First up, State v. Perryman, Harris, and Lola."
"Lola?" The judge asked as he turned to look at the girl from the alley. "Well you haven't been before me in nearly a month. Watcha ya been doing?" He smiled at her.
"Oh, you know your honor," She sauntered up to the bench, "the usual."
"The usual, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, then the usual fifty dollars and time served." He banged his gavel then leaned forward and spoke seemingly off record. "Now, Lola, don't be stranger."
"Don't worry your honor." She winked at him.
The judge spoke again. "Mr. Prosecutor? What do we have for the gentleman?"
"Mr. Perryman was trying to ah buy some time with the human mattress, the lovely Lolita, when Mr. Harris tried to join in the fun." The assistant district attorney then turned to Lola, "do you charge extra for that?" He winked at her.
"Ms. Sullivan? Defense?" The judge asked.
"Mr. Perryman pleads guilty and throws himself on the mercy of the court sir."
"Fine, fifty dollars and time served."
"Mr. Harris claims that he thought Lola was being attacked and he was trying to help."
"R-i-g-h-t," the prosecutor drawled his words. "Sir, how do you explain the line. 'I've got something pointy with your name on it'? Cause believe me sir, I've used the line but never like that, but if it works I'm willing to give it a go." He waggled his eyebrows at the public defender.
"I would like to know that myself, Ms. Sullivan." Mac started to choke barely able to speak. "Harry!" He hissed faintly.
The judge turned slightly red as he realized what his comments sounds like. "I mean I would also like know about the statement. No offense intended Ms. Sullivan. Mr. Harris?"
"Well smdash;ah- I don't s-suppose you'd believe I meant I had a stake cause I thought it was a vampire attack?" He looked at all the faces in the room and only the bald bailiff seemed to give the story any credence. He sighed. There was no way to really explain. "I didn't think so. I just thought it was cool and scary sounding and would scare the guy away."
Harry looked at the guy in front of him. "Priors?"
"No, your honor."
"Fine, guilty, fifty dollars and time served. Piece of advice, come- up with a new pick-up line Mr. Harris." The judge banged the gavel.
"The bailiff came over and walked him out before leaning down to him, "so vampires huh?"
Xander decided right then and there that this was one of those things that the gang would never ever know. No, they would never know how Xander Harris and ended up being arrested and convicted of solicitation.