Xander flicked through the costumes at Ethan's idly, while he waited for Willow and Buffy to finish browsing. He stopped as he came across a bright red duster with a black left sleeve that he instantly recognised from Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. A large gun was in a holster on the right side of the coat.
Vash the Stampede! The sixty billion double dollar man. Man, he was cool. Xander felt he had a lot in common with him -- fighting evil guys (and trying not to kill the redeemable), an uncommon dress sense, and, of course... DONUTS! If Xander had a choice, he'd eat donuts all day. If Vash had the chance, he'd eat donuts all year.
Taking a brief look at the price tag, then checking his pockets, he immediately took the costume to the counter. Some bleach and hairdye, and he was set!
Vash looked around. Where was he? Going by all the trees, grass and flowers, he'd say Rakuen... if it wasn't for all the demons. Things more misshapen and wicked than some of the Gung Ho Guns.
"Xander!," a girl panted as she ran up to him.
"Who?," Vash asked cluelessly. "I am Vash the Stampede, a hunter after the elusive mayfly known as love... or something like that!"
"Xander, quit messing around," the girl said irritably. "This is no time for jokes!"
"Where am I?," Vash asked.
Willow sighed. It looked like something Hellmouthy was happening again. "Xander, listen to me. Something crazy is happening. I was dressed as a ghost for Halloween, a-and now I am a ghost. And you were supposed to be Vash the Stampede, and now I, I-I guess you're Vash."
Vash blinked. A three foot tall demon ran past, and Vash bopped it on the head hard without looking.
"I want to go out, Spikey. I want a treat. Miss Edith says Kitten is going to change."
"You shouldn't be going out in your condition, ducks..."
"I want a treat. I need a treat."
Vash started whining. He'd been looking after some beautiful woman who he had been trying to chat (and feel) up, and then vampires had started coming into the house! Why was his luck so bad?
"Why does this keep happening to me I haven't done anything wrong but something's always gone wrong and everyone's always picking on me and what do I do mama?"
He spotted the pretty lady up ahead in an alleyway. An ugly man was trying to rape her!
"Hey! Stop that!," Vash yelled out. "Beautiful women are to be cherished and loved like flowers, not harmed or hurt!"
No luck. The pirate raised his sword and charged at Vash. The gunman drew his weapon and shot the blade, breaking the cheaply made sword in half where the bullet hit. The pirate looked at the gun, smoke rising from it, then looked at what remained of his sword. The remarkable aim needed sunk in slowly. He looked at the gun again.
Then the pirate ran for it.
"Why didn't you kill that insolent dockworker?," Lady Buffy demanded imperiously. She had decided to stay with the man who had offered to be her bodyguard, as he had quite handily demonstrated his prowess.
"I made a promise. If I put out even one flame of life, it would make her sad," Vash explained as he caught up to her. "Come on, let's go back."
He turned around to see Spike, Drusilla, and fourteen mini-demons waiting at the mouth of the alleyway.
"Hand over the woman, and you won't get hurt," Spike said, mentally adding 'much.'
"I can't let you do that," Vash said, gone still.
Spike growled. A white knight. Great. The vampire darted forwards to take out the red-coated, clownish figure, but the idiot was harder to hit than an annoying mosquito, and talked more than Dru on a bender.
"Ah! Not there! Why me, mama! Eeeek! Help, help!"
Spike managed to extricate himself from the human turned octopus, somehow, and stepped back a pace to reassess the situation.
"I could've killed you half a dozen times," Spike growled, more to maintain image than anything else. He was lying through his teeth.
Vash looked up, very serious. "No, you couldn't. And not to mention that I could have groped your girlfriend five times during this conversation."
He held up his right hand, a dozen black buttons held between his fingers. Drusilla's white dress fell down around her ankles, exposing the pale vampiric Seer's bra and panties to the world.
"RRRAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!," Spike roared, lunging at the red-clad idiot who made fun of HIS DRU!
Lady Buffy quietly chuckled, seeing the lowborn whore taken down a notch.
Spike and Vash started fighting again, but with far more dialog from Vash. Half a minute into the scuffle, Ethan's spell was stopped. Somehow, Xander managed to keep Spike off in the same fashion as Vash. But with a slightly more Californian tinge to the comments.
"Aaaaah! Not there, I'm not gay! Ewww, desperate much? Buffy! HEEEELP!"
It took Buffy about half a second to smash a stake out of some packing material, then another half a second to dust Spike.
The next morning, Xander searched out Giles in the Library.
"Hey, G-man," Xander greeted him. The teenager's hair was still blonde, and still stuck up slightly.
"Don't call me that," Giles said absently. "Er, what can I do for you?"
"I've got a slight problem," Xander admitted.
"What, might I ask?," Giles said.
Xander pulled a large, heavy handgun that had a very slight resemblance to a Desert Eagle from his schoolbag. Except that Desert Eagles didn't take six shot revolver style round clips. It made a thud noise as he put it on the desk. The teenager then pulled out a few quick loaders that had bullets in them.
"Oh. I take it that they are from last night," Giles said dumbly.
"There's more," Xander complained. "Er, is it okay if I take off my shirt to show you?"
"Must you?," Giles sighed.
Xander took off his Hawaiian shirt, showing numerous scars on his torso. His left arm was metal from his upper arm downwards, and was not gloved as Giles had thought. The teenager took off the artificial left arm with his right hand and placed it on the table.
"That's my slight problem."
And that was how Buffy and Willow found them as they entered just then --Xander with numerous scars on his shirtless chest, missing an arm, with the arm, a huge gun, and lots of bullets on the table.