That Damned Monkey

Author: Magnus <MagnusXXN[at]>

Disclaimer: I don't own BTVS, that's Joss' baby. And I hope to god someone's called child services on his ass. All I own is this story, and I have no money so suing would be...a useless idea.

Chapter 1

The home of one Xander Harris.

"Damn it boy, get your ass up and take out the trash." Tony Harris yelled out to his still sleeping son.

As far as he was concerned, 6:00am was time to get up. For everyone. And the sooner his no good, lazy ass son learned that, the better for everyone. The older man didn't care that his son was only 16.

That wasn't an excuse. The boy needed to learn respect. And if that meant treating the little shit like he deserved for the next two years until he was old enough to throw him out of the house, then so be it.

Xander quickly raced past his father, in a hurry to get the trash out, and to get out of the house. He soon made his way out the family trash, and then tossed the whole thing in the binds in front of his house.

"Well, that's a job wel..." His words cut off by the hard heeled shoe that collides with the back of his head.

"Oh my god, Xander! I didn't see your there," Willow, his best friend shouts out just moments later before she rushes to his aid.

He grunts in pain from the place on his grassy lawn as the red head above him fusses over what she'd just done. "Xander! I'm so, soo sorry. I was just tossing out some old shoes and I wasn't looking where I was throwing, and do you hate me?"

The dark haired young man can only smile at her 'cute' rambling. "Naw, its alright. Just a little head injury. Nothing to worry about," He says trying his best to ease her worry.

Willow leans over and helps him to his feet still fussing, "I know. But I'm just sooo sorry. I promise to never throw shoes away again. Its just too dangerous." The sincerity in her voice is enough to make him laugh out right.

"Wills! Its ok, I'm fine. Just a little bruised. My pride mostly."

Finally realizing her mothering over him is a bit much she backs up a foot to give him breathing room. "Well alright, ok, everything's ok. I'm just going to go and....try and forget I almost took you out with a red pump." Flustered, the petite red head heads back home.

Bewildered, Xander can only watch her go.

"Hey, what'd ya do that for? She was only trying to make it up to you." The sound of someone's voice quickly turned Xander around to see whom it was talking to him. But he saw no one.

"Errr... hearing things, can't be good." He jokes before turning back towards his house for breakfast. Which if he missed, his father would throw any leftovers into the trash. Just to spite his tardy son.

"Hey! I'm down here, kid."

Looking down towards the sound of the voice, Xander saw a small black trash bag wiggling around. Scared that some how a person might have gotten tied up in his trashcan, the teen hurriedly rips open the bag to let him out.

But when he opened the bag, the only contents he was able to find were a half eaten chicken sandwich, a toothbrush, and a cut up tennis ball.

"Weird. The pump must have knocked something loose." He joked trying to get over the feeling of uneasiness that was starting to creep up on him. Before he had a chance to turn away, the tennis ball's large cut down the middle opened up.

"Its me! What are you blind?" The tennis ball declared with a huff.

"AHHH!!!!!" Xander screeched out before jumping away from said tennis ball. "Hey, not so loud. I have sensitive cotton fibers." The neo green ball informed the now twitching teen.

"Not happening. Not happening. I did not see a tennis ball talk, nope, didn't happen." The dark haired teen muttered as he slowly backed away from the trashcans, before making a mad dash for his house.

"Hey! Your not just going to leave me here, are you? Where's your respect?!? I was in the Olympics." The annoyed ball bellowed out after the retreating young man, who at hearing what he'd said, only ran faster.


Inside the Harris house, Tony Harris was sitting at the kitchen table waiting on his son. Who ran into the house at a full sprint.

"What are you doing running in this house? You're not a little kid anymore Alex, its time you followed the damned rules," He grunted out. "And what was with all the yelling? The little red haired Jew do something to piss you off? Not putting out?"

Xander just ignored his father's cruel and racist remarks, which any other day would have put him in a foul mood for the rest of the day. But right now he had more important things to worry about.

Like the fact that a ball of cotton, rubber, and string had been trying to start a conversation with him not a minute ago.

"Boy! I'm talking to you?!? Don't have anything to say? The little slut must have given you something nasty to preoccupy your dim witted mind so much." This time the teen didn't ignore his father's words.

"Watch your mouth! Don't you dare talk about Willow like that." The young man yelled back at his father. Who only sneered in return.

"Who the hell do you thing you are? I'm your father, boy! And you'll respect me."

"Shut up! Just don't talk about Willow like that." The 16-year-old boy said as he turned away from the kitchen, and breakfast, and started to make it back to his room.

"Don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you. You smart mouthed little shit. I'll talk about the little Jew slut any way I want." Tony Harris growled out at his 'disrespectful' son.

"I said...." Before Xander could finish his comment, his father had hauled back his fist and punched the boy right in his face. Knocking him down and busting his lip wide open.

"You don't say shit, unless I tell you it's alright boy!" The elder Harris spat out over the now crouching form of his only male child. "Now get out of my sight, you stupid little sissy. Go! Run off to your little slut."

Spitting out a mouth full of blood on the floor, Xander turned away and ran to his room. Tennis balls, and red pumps forgotten. He had to go clean up another bruise, so that his friends wouldn't notice and ask questions about it.


Sunnydale High School.

"Well, it shouldn't really be all that hard. We can work on the banners at lunch and figure out refreshments then," Buffy replied to Sheila, the girl she'd been locked into to making the party arrangements for tomorrow's parent teacher meeting.

Her only reply was, "Yeah, sure, whatever." Before the dark haired teenage girl ran off to meet a longhaired blond on a motorbike. "Hey Meatpie." Was the last thing she said before grabbing him into a kiss.

Buffy was ignored totally.

That is until Willow made her way over and asked how she was doing.

"Not good. Snyder's got me making party favors for the parents tomorrow. His two worst students working together. Its gonna be a hoot." The blond slayer informed her friend sarcastically.

Willow just shook her head, "I'm sure that's not how everyone sees it. You being one of the worst students and all." She tried to sooth her friend's nerves. But Buffy was having none of it.

"I don't know. Its just… that's how my mom sees me. As a Sheila."

"Buffy, don't be like that. I'm sure your mother doesn't see you like that. She loves you just the way you are." The red haired teen argued. Not wanting her friend to feel too bad about this.

Xander finally made his way to them, his lip cut but no real swelling so no one but Willow and Buffy had noticed. And he'd just told them that he'd ran into a wall after he'd taken out the trash.

"Sheila's just a bit intense. That guy she was with? I bet he's the guy she's 'allowed' to take home to meet mommy." He jokes.

Seeing a way to make Buffy feel better, Willow goes on to inform her friend of some of the more colorful things the soon to be teen felon had done. "She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once, I was the look out."

Xander just turned to the slayer with a smile, and ignored the pain in his lips. "Isn't our little Willow just bad to the bone?"

Which drew out a smile from both girls, "That's right. I'm a real rebel." They all laughed together at her antics as they made their way down the school's steps and began to make their way to grab something quick for lunch.

"But it's just not fair. I'm the slayer, which requires things like cutting and fighting. What's her excuse?"

"Homework." He ventured. And at seeing the puzzled looks on Wills and Buffy's faces he went on. "She won't do it. Hasn't since, like second grade. And by now the teachers respect that."

Thinking of a few of Shelia's more violent spats, Xander went on with his warning. "Ohh, you might wanna keep away any sharp implements when you're working with her. She has a tendency to stab first and ask questions...well, never."

This was good. Just hanging out with my friends, everything's normal. And not a tennis ball in sight. Must have been the blow to the head, Xander summed up as they walked and talked.

"Do you think any other Slayers ever had to go to high school?"

"It's no biggie, Buff." He assured her. "You'll have a nice soiree, the parents and your mom will love it." Thinking about it, he went on. "Just as long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine."

Both girls made a dead stop and turned around to glare at the lone male scooby, "Are you crazy? Why'd you have to go and say that? Now something bad is gonna happen!" The blond haired teenaged girl told him with a scowl.

"Wha ya mean?" He wondered out loud, not understanding what the big deal was. "Nothing's gonna happen." He attempted to reassure them, but neither girl was satisfied by what he had to say.

"Not until some dummy says, 'as long as nothing bad happens.'" Willow explained.

"It's like the ultimate jinx! How could you say that?" Buffy put in her two cents.

"What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?" The red head asked, exasperated by her long time friend's choice of wording before she and Buffy turned away and started walking away from him.

"Well, you guys don't know!" He yells back at their retreating forms. 'Jinxes, please,' he thought to himself. 'Who believes in jinxes?' "Maybe this time it'll be different," he argued, hoping that it might appease them.

But no such luck. They continued to walk away. But before he can ran after them Snyder catches up with him, "In my office. Now."


"I've got Summers and Trulli making the decorations for tomorrows parent teacher night, so that's taken care of. But don't think I'm forgetting about you Harris. You're almost as big of a waste as those two." Snyder informs him with a sneer.

Xander can only nod and ignore what the asshole of a principle is telling him. Much like he does most of the time.

"Ooooo, someone's in trouble." Looking swiftly away from the weasel like face of Snyder, Xander sees a small bronze monkey on his desk. One that's turned and is now looking at the teen with a smirk.

"Stop that!" The dark haired young man orders.

Only to have Snyder turn to him with a glare, "Did you say something to me Harris?" He demands. Not at all in the mood to put up with students, most of all back talking kids with smart mouths.

"Errr, nothing sir. Just...nothing," he sputters out; trying his best to pretend the bronze monkey isn't falling over laughing at him for getting in trouble.

"Hey, kid! We bronzing tonight?" The bronze monkey asks before jumping up and down on Snyder's desk. Xander turns to the glaring principle hoping to see him as shocked at the actions of an inanimate object, just like him.

But no, the little troll of a man continues on with his speech about what a useless student he is, and how he'll dance the day he graduates, or more then likely celebrate when the boy gets expelled.

"Kid! You've got to take me out dancing. I've been stuck in here with this guy ever since Flutie got eaten!" The monkey pleads.

Xander jumps up and knocks the chair he was sitting on over, "Bad monkey! Stop with the....." The young Harris doesn't go on because of the raised eyebrow of Mr. Snyder.

"Harris, have you finally lost it? Are you having a conversation with your penis in my office?!?" The now angry principal exclaimed at the weird actions of his student.

Only to get a bewildered and confused look from the young man, "Wha... penis... talking monkey... I think I need to see a doctor." He then promptly falls over onto Snyder's desk, knocking over papers and the bronze monkey as he faints.

Which leaves a scowling principal and a giggling bronze monkey.


Sunnydale General Hospital.

"No spots, no discolorations, nothing at all was found on your CAT scan." Dr. Greens informed the twitching young man before him, who'd upon being taking to the Emergency Room demanded a full CAT scan to be taken.

"But doc! There has to be something, I'm feeling..." Not wanting to tell the doctor about the tennis ball or bronze monkey Xander said, "weird. I'm feeling really... weird."

The doctor just sighed, "I can't find anything wrong in your scan. This weird feeling, could it be that you ate something that didn't agree with you?"

"Wow, this guy is really a putz." 'Ya,' Xander thought as he heard the voice of the monkey in his pocket, 'there's nothing wrong with me at all.' "Doc, there has to be something. And its not gonna get cured by a glass of warm milk here. I need help." The teen choked out.

"Can we leave already, you've got to meet the girls at the school and help with the banner." The little monkey, who was only about four inches in height, called out to the teen from the inside of his pocket.

"Why did I even swipe you? All you've done is yap and yap..." He trailed off at seeing the odd look Dr. Greens was giving him. "Maybe I spoke too soon," the gray haired man hurriedly said before pulling out a card from his front shirt pocket.

"I've got a card here that you might want to take a look at. I'm not sure I can help you, but my friend, Dr. Lang, he might be able to." He then passes the card to the young man before making his way out of the room and to his other waiting patients.

'Dr. Evan Lang, child counselor.' Was written in bold letters on the card, with a phone number underneath.

"Hey kid, you don't need no stinking counselor. What you need is a girlfriend." Xander's left eye spazzed and twitched a little bit at the monkey's words, before he balled up the card and threw it into a nearby trashcan.

'Ya, like I have anything to say to a shrink.' "Hi, my name's Xander and I have a monkey in my pocket trying to give me relationship advice." He said out loud before realizing what he was doing.

"Insane. I've finally gone insane. Wow... I thought it would be more fun then this." The 16-year-old teen then looked at his Tweety bird watch, "Damn. The monkey's right. Wills and Buffy are probably already waiting on me to help out.


Student lounge.

"Sheila and Xander no-shows?" Willow asked as she helped Buffy pick out the paints she'd be using on the school banner.

"Xander's not usually late when he says he'll be somewhere, Sheila I can understand. She goes to this really rank bar."

"The Fish Tank?" The red head asked, wondering if the blond teen had heard of it.

But the slayer just shook her head in denial.

"Well, sometimes they have raves. And you know, other stuff that could, you know, make a person tardy."

The young chosen one just shrugged, it was alright. She could finish the banner without Sheila or Xander's help. "D'you think you can help me cram some French tonight? I've been flunking and I don't want Mr. DeJean to tell my mother I'm an imbecile," she finishes off the last few words with a funny little French accent.

Willow nodded, "Ya, but I thought we were going to the Bronze tonight. You know, cuz of the fact that Angel might be there?" Hearing the sound of someone running down the halls, both girls turn to see Xander arrive.

"Sorry I'm late, but I... had some stuff to take care of," he informs them lamely, but it's probably a better excuse then the truth. Which would only freak them out. God knows it freaked him.

The young slayer just waves his excuses off, "Its alright. Willow and I have it pretty much covered. But hey, you going to the Bronze tonight?"

"Dancing! Yah, you have got to take me dancing." The girls noticed their friend's eye twitching and him grabbing up his pants pocket, but thought it better if they didn't point it out.

"So... what were you two lovely ladies talking about before I got here?" Maybe the monkey would be quiet if other people were around? Xander hoped so, cuz this was just too damned freaky for him.

"We were just talking about going to the Bronze tonight. I've decided I can study, and party, and do Parent Teacher night, and make my mother proud as long as I don't have to..."She trailed off at seeing her watcher and his so-so girlfriend Jenny making their way towards them.

"Buffy!" The Englishman exclaimed.

"Er... fighting vampires I guess will just have to be one more 'and' I'll have to work in." She said to herself somewhat grumpily.

Turning to Miss. Calendar, Giles went on with the discussion they were having before reaching up with his ward and her friends. "There is nothing in the chronicles about an extraneous lunar cycle."

"That's only because The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar." She fired back. "Rupert, you really must read something that was published after 1066." She told him with a playful smile.

"Really funny." He countered, but smiled along with her.

"Wow, she has really fantastic legs." Xander ripped the monkey from his pocket and pulled the smirking figure up to his face, "Would you stop that! You're really starting to get on my nerves."

All of a sudden his friends were really quiet. It wasn't until he took his eyes off the smirking bronze monkey that he saw they were all looking at him.

"Um, Xander, did you by any chance take a lot of drugs before coming to school?" Willow only half joked at seeing her childhood friend pull out a small inanimate object out of his pocket and proceed to chat with it.

"What's up with you guys?" He tried to play it cool; maybe they'd forget they saw him talking to his monkey.

"Umm, yes, right." Decided to do just that, Giles went on with what he'd come over to talk about. "We've, I mean Ms. Calendar and I have been researching, she was surfing on the net, and she's...well, according to her calculations, this Saturday is the night of St. Vigeous." He said a bit flustered from being with Jenny most of the day. And from the somewhat strange actions of the young man before him.

Buffy, deciding to go with the trend and ignore Xander said, "And I'm guessing he's not known for making balloon animals."

"Err, not so much no. He led a crusade of vampires. They swept through Edessa, Harran, and points east." He warned his ward. St. Vigeous was a very dangerous time, and she needed to be on guard.

"They didn't leave much behind," Jenny further said.

"Well, if I survive Parent Teacher night, tonight, I'll see what I can do about Saturday." The blond haired slayer explained to her watcher. This was just something else that was being added to her plate.

Not amused by Buffy's words, Giles went on. "Don't you think your being a tad slip about it? This is serious."

"And getting kicked out of school is laughs aplenty?" The slayer shouted back. As if she didn't have enough on her mind, now her watcher was giving her crap about slaying when she already had so much else to deal with.

But Giles still didn't see it her way. "You know what happens when you let your life interfere with your slaying. This is important Buffy."

"Okay, fine, if my slaying doesn't get me expelled, then I promise my banner making won't get me killed, okay? Just please let me get through this week." She pleaded with him.

"That's just too much drama to have to deal with everyday, kid." The bronze monkey informed Xander. Having had enough of Buffy and Giles' conversation.

"Would you just stop putting your nose into other people's lives?" The dark haired young man said with a groan as he shook the monkey between his hands.

"Xander, I don't think you should be putting your nose into this..." Giles had been going to reprimand the young man, thinking it was he who the teen was yelling at. But seeing that it was in fact the monkey again, the school librarian settled with giving him a measuring look.

"I'll help with the banner making!" Willow said trying to take away attention from her friend's odd... actions.

"Yeah, and I'll whittle stakes." The lone male scooby ventured, hoping they'd just go on and not say anything about the monkey. Damn that monkey! It was all his fault, making a fool out of him in front of his friends.

"Ya, and I can research stuff." The red head said nervously.

"And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune." He jokes, hoping the tension in the air will go away and everything will be back to normal.

Giles rubs the bridge of his nose before saying, "Yes, well, your help is greatly appreciated, but when it comes to battle, Buffy must fight alone." He says with a sigh before turning towards his ward.

"You are after all the slay..." The watcher lets his sentence stop at seeing the angry look on Snyder's face as he makes his way towards them. "Err... Jenny, I think it might be time to go."

The computer teacher turns to see the glaring principal on his way and nods in agreement, "Yes. Ok, bye." The two adults then make a hasty escape just as Snyder arrives.

"You wouldn't be helping Buffy in Sheila's place, would you?" He asks Willow with a sneer plain on his face. The computer geek just stutters out a, "No. Of course not."

Before he lays into her anymore, Snyder sees Xander standing behind Buffy. "Harris! I know it was you!" He growls out threateningly.

"Ah, sir. I don't know what you're talking about." He tries to play it cool, but the troll like principal isn't in the mood for it. "You stole my paperweight off my desk, you little kleptomaniac!" He shouts, drawing the attention of a few students as they pass by.

Shelia comes into the lounge just as Snyder starts to demand his paperweight back. She takes off her glasses then blinks with a grimace at the bright lights.

Buffy, seeing Sheila there decides to try and get Mr. Snyder to find someone else to yell at besides her Xander-shaped friend. Her weird acting Xander-shaped friend, but friend never the less.

"Oh! Sheila, is there no more paint in the art room?" The blond puts the spotlight on the tardy teen; who can do nothing but blink as a reply.

Seeing that he's not going to get his bronze paperweight back, Snyder glares at Buffy and Sheila, "You two just make sure everything is perfect tonight," he then turns to Xander, "And you! I'm watching you." He says before storming off.

"Thanks for covering for me, I guess. That guy's a serious rodent." The dark haired teenager girl says to the blond.

"Its no problem."

Xander and Willow take this time to make themselves scarce. Willows heads towards the library to get started, but Xander's headed to the bathroom muttering to himself the whole way.

"Hey, did you really burn down a school building one time?" Sheila asks interested.

Buffy can only look away, "Well not really just one time."

The leather clad troublemaker smiles in response, "Kick ass."


The Bronze.

Xander finds a table all for himself, as both Willow & Buffy continue to work on their French studies. Normally he would have been on the dance floor, jumping around like a mad man.

But the monkey had ordered him to sit still for a few minutes, because they needed to get a few things straight.

"Ian! My name's Ian. Stop calling me 'the monkey', kid." The small bronze monkey formally known as Ian ordered the dark haired teen. Who had decided to just give up and go with the insanity that was his life.

"How can you have a name? You're... you're not real!" He sputtered out, not giving a second look at the people around him who were staring.

Ian just scowled, "What's real? I'm real, you're real. We're all real." He argued.

"You're not real! You''re a bronze monkey. You don't have lungs, or lips, or anything that's needed to breath. You can't be talking to me." Xander blurted out, trying to talk sense into... well Ian.

"Way to try to hurt my feelings, kid. And I do have lips." The four inch tall ape answered with a big grin, showing off tiny bronze teeth in his smile.

For about the 100th time, Xander's eye started to twitch as Ian started to dance around his table. The teen looked around expectedly, hoping that someone, anyone, was seeing this. But to no avail.

"Why can't you go bother someone else? I don't need a mental illness in my life right now."

Ignoring the much bigger human's rant, Ian continued to dance around the table. Flashing his cute little bronze butt all over, moving with the music. That is, until the lone male scooby grabbed the monkey up and held him in his left hand.

"Answer me damnit!" He snarled out.

Ian just looked up at him annoyed, "We have really got to get you a girlfriend. You're becoming a bit testy."


A few tables away.

"Buffy, he's talking to the paperweight again." Willow declared, worried for her friend.

The young slayer had seen, hell, most of the bronze had been watching the one-person conversation. That's why there was a wide birth around Xander's table. No one wanted to get 'too' close.

"Maybe... I don't know, when you hit him with your shoe, maybe you knocked something in his head loose?"

The red head had called Buffy only a few minutes after the 'shoe accident' and confessed how sorry she felt about the whole thing to her best friend. Of course, they ended up laughing the whole thing off.

Well, until Xander started to talk, and sometimes argue, with a small bronze paperweight.

The young chosen one didn't want to send Willow into hysterics over the possibility that she might have broken Xander. But seeing her friend chatting about with the tiny ape was really starting to wig her out.

"Don't say that! Oh god, I've mushed his brain! My shoe caused serious mental damage and now he's insane, and it's all my fault!" Willow cried out, frightened that she may have seriously hurt her friend.

"Willow, I'm sure its not as bad as all that. Tomorrow, if he's still acting...wiggy, we'll go talk to Giles. He'll know what to do." The blond slayer explained hoping her words were true.

"Now lets get on the dance floor, all this studying is starting to fry 'my' brain." She joked before grabbing the worrying red head's hand and pulling her towards the other dancing teenagers.

Unknown to the two girls, Spike was walking around them, among the other dancing young people. His eyes set on the blond slayer; all other things were pushed out of his mind. Nothing else mattered, nothing else existed.

Only her, and the hat trick he'd get after her death.

After a few moments, the blond leather clad master vampire turned to a tall minion that had decided to tag along with him tonight. "Go outside and get something to eat." He ordered.

The one hundred and eighty year old vampire waits until the large minion left before he walks over close enough for the slayer to overhear, "Where's the phone? I need to call the police. There's some big guy out there trying to bite people."

Just as he'd expected the slayer turned towards the doors and made a dead run for the outside; to save said victim from the big bad vamp's dinner.


"Wow, she must be a natural blond, that friend of yours." Ian tells Xander with a slow shake of his head.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" The teen demanded from the pompous little paperweight. Which only made Ian roll his little bronze eyes up skywards, before he turned to the 16 year old.

"What? You can't figure it out either?" The little fellow gloated.

Sighing deeply, and wondering why he hasn't taking a hammer to the little ape yet, Xander asks, "Figured what out? Stop beating around the bush curious George." Ian's little jaw dropped open in horror.

"Don't call me that!!! That guy was a hack, a sell out! Following that guy in the yellow hat around like some pet." Ian spat out horrified at the young man's joke.

"Would you stop pissing around and tell me whatever it is that you've got running through that tiny cast iron head of yours." The young psychopath wondered aloud, getting tired of the monkey's stalling and insults.

"Well, it seems to me that your slayer friend is running outside because some guy who was deathly pale and covered in leather called out around her." The tiny ape explained slowly, as one would with a small child or dog.

This info clicked in Xander's brain, "So he's a vampire! And Buffy, she's running into a trap." Irritated at how long it took him to figure it out, Xander sprung up and was getting ready to run out after her.

"Hey! Wait a minute, what good are you going to do unarmed? Did you even remember to bring a cross with you?" The long-winded ape called out before the teen could get away.

The dark haired young man cursed under his breath. No, he had forgotten to take a cross or stake with him. But he wasn't going to leave Buffy out there to fight alone either.

"Look in the back, towards the rear exit. There's a fire axe right beside the door. Take that and make your way from the back and sneak up on the vampires." Ian explained with an even tone.

Wasting no time, Xander grabbed the talking paperweight and stuffed it into his pocket while racing towards the back muttering along the way, "I don't even want to know how you knew all that."


The alleyway outside the Bronze.

Sheila and two grungy looking biker guys are making their way through the dark alleyway. Much like earlier at school, she's dressed in black leather pants and a form fitting black t-shirt.

"Alright. Which one's Dwayne and which one's Dell?" She asks from her position between the two, having forgotten which one was which.

"Don't tell me now, let me guess. Dell's the one with the tattoos?" The 17-year-old teenager asks looking towards the guy with the dozen or so black and red tattoos running down his arms.

"You guys weren't lyin' about havin' a Cadillac, were you?" She hoped not, cause that was her favorite car. Big backseat and leather seats, mmmm.

"'Cause I'm crazy about a Cad. Just the feel of the leather makes me wanna..." Sheila trailed off when she didn't hear the two guys walking behind her anymore. The leather clad girl turns around, but the guys are gone.

"Where'd you guys go?"

Looking around, Shelia tries to spot Dell and Dwayne. But she can't see them. "What's going on?" She demands before slowly walking away towards the end of the alleyway, into the light.

"Where are you guys? This shit isn't funny." Feeling stupid at following the guys outside, the leather clad teen starts walking faster. Her feelings hurt by their abandonment.

Before she can make it to freedom, Spike appears in front of her.

Jumping back Shelia demands, "Who are you?" She was sure there hadn't been anyone else there a moment ago, she was sure of it. Things were really starting to get too weird for her.

"Who do you want me to be?" The blond vampire leered.

Startled, the teenager girl asks, "Did you just see..."

Spike interrupted her before she could finish, "Those two losers who thought they were good enough for you?" He smirked down at her.

Blushing a bit, Shelia went on, "Ya? What about 'em?"

"I got peckish, and they got sleepy." The blond master vampire informed her, knowing she wouldn't understand what he was saying.

"Huh?" She asked dumbly.

Knowing that he had her now, Spike went on. "You've just got something a whole lot better." He then turns back and starts making his way out of the alley, leaving her there to look after his retreating form.

"Hey! Wait up already. What's your name?" The leather-clad teen calls out after him, not knowing the danger she's putting herself into.

Spike stops, his back to her and he waits for her to come running back behind him like a lost little puppy. Oh, he thinks to himself, she's about right for my Dru. Something of a late night snack.

"Dude! I said what's your name?" Shelia asks when she finally catches up to him. Not expecting him to turn around in full gameface, his white fangs glittering in the light before he jumps towards her.


For a second, she thought it was her who was doing the screaming. But then she looked around, almost at the exact same time as Spike did. But unlike her, she didn't get a fire axe thrust down into her forehead.

Spike's bleach blond head was split in two right down to his neck.

Shelia watched him for a second before his whole body turned to dust, minus the few metal objects he'd been carrying around in his pocket. In his wake left Xander, still wielding the axe, with blood splattered all over his face and shirt.

"Are you alright?" He asks from above her.

And Shelia wonders when her legs had given out from under her. The dark haired teen boy quickly helps her to her feet before they both make it out of the alleyway and into the parking lot behind the Bronze.

The leather clad girl sees a classic black 1958 Dodge Desoto Fire Flite near the opening, and on a hunch goes back and searching through Spikes ashes, until she comes across some car keys.

Taking a chance, Shelia puts the car keys into the driver's door and luckily it clicks open. "Sweet." She mutters to herself.

Then she looks over towards her savior, who was now arguing with a paperweight. Shaking her head she makes up her mind, "Hey, want to take a ride?"

Xander looked annoyed down at Ian for a few moments before opening the passenger car door and hopping in, his axe gets thrown into the back seat. "I'm Xander."

The dark haired girl leans over and grabs the back of his hair before pushing her lips against his, her tongue forcing its way into Xander's mouth. They stay that way for five minutes before they were forced to part when breathing was becoming a problem.

"Shelia." Was her only reply before they sped away.


Drusilla's room.

"Ohhhh, my Spike! My poor, poor Spike. The stars have all gone out and my dear sweet boy has fallen down." The mad vampiress cried out as she rocked back and forth in her bed.

Colin, the Anointed One, and a pair of his minions had been watching her for the last half hour. Ever since the wailing began no one was able to get anything done, not even the vampires who were chanting downstairs getting ready for Saturday.

"She's been at it for almost an hour." A blond female vampire informed her master.

Ever since Drusilla and Spike had arrived, Colin had been sending word out through the demon pipeline, trying to find out some back-story on the strange pair. It seemed that Spike, aka William the bloody had killed two slayers in his life.

And his girlfriend, and sire, Drusilla was quiet mad.

Mad and a seer. She was able to see the future, and look into your very mind. A feat that was unheard of in this day and age even among vampirekind.

"Spike! My little Spike, he's gone away now. The bad kitten has been conspiring with the monkey and they've taken away my sweet boy." The dark haired master vampiress babbled and screamed.

Neither Colin nor anyone else knew what to do with her.

The bruising on her body was terrible, and she'd refused to eat anything since they'd arrived to Sunnydale. It wouldn't take that much longer until she was too weak to even move anymore.

That's when the Anointed One had given orders that she'd be thrown into the sunlight and left to burn.

Maybe once she was a threat, a danger to the world, but now she was nothing. A crying, whimpering vampire who had nothing to live for, and no strength to go on.

"It won't be much longer now." The vampire child said to himself with a sigh before turning and leaving Drusilla to herself and her dolls.


The school Library, the next day.

"And for three nights the unholy ones will scourge themselves into a fury, that will culminate in a savage attack on the night of St. Vigeous." Giles recited from one of his old tombs.

He'd given permission for Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia to use the library to finish off the banner making and other little things for the night's parent teacher meeting.

Xander it seemed had decided not to join them and help as he'd said he would. But the watcher wasn't too terribly surprised. It seemed to him that the young man was... going through some troubles of his own.

Best he stay in for the night... and stay far away from any sharp objects.

"Ohhhh! The parents will start arriving in an hour. Okay, soo, banners are in place, the lounge is comfy. So what am I forgetting?" The blond slayer asked knowing that there was something that she'd missed.

"Punch?" Willow ventured.

"Yes! Punch, I need punch." The young chosen one exclaimed.

Damnit, Cordy thought as she pulled out another splinter from her fingers. "Ouch! My fingers are starting to bleed. How long have I been doing this?" Not for the first time, the beautiful ex-cheerleader wondered aloud.

"All of three minutes." Ms. Calendar called out from the book stocks above them.

"That's it! Can I go now?" The pampered young lady asked, tired of making stakes. "Its not like Buffy needs this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all said, it should be over pretty quickly."

Seeing the hurt look on Buffy's face, Cor went on. "But we're still all rooting for you on Saturday. Well, all of us that decided to show up that is." She sounded annoyed.

It wasn't fair that Xander got to skip out on helping just because he'd started talking to inanimate objects. Like that was reason enough.

"Right, you guys hold down the fort. I'm punch bound." The petite slayer said with a shrug before leaving the library to look for a punch bowl, and some lemons. Cordy's hand snakes out to grab something off the food tray she'd been preparing.

"No!" Cor's hand quickly went back in place, leaving the food uneaten.


Across town.

Shelia was the first to wake up, finding herself and Xander in the back of the car she'd stolen the night before. Surprisingly enough she still had most of her clothes on, a first when it came to waking up beside a guy.

Of course her shirt was gone, and she hadn't worn a bra the night before.

But she didn't mind, one thing Shelia wasn't was ashamed of her body. Hell, the dark haired girl thought with a smug grin, she'd strip naked in the Bronze and dance on the tables if the mood struck her.

She then looked towards her savior, whose pants were pulled off entirely and his boxers ripped open. She couldn't help but chuckle, after the whole attackvampireaxe murder thing she'd been a little eager.

Xander was a bit younger then she liked her guys, and a slow start, but once he'd sat that bronze monkey of his outside he picked up quickly enough.

"Hmmmm, good morning." He said still half way asleep. The leather clad badass smiled down at him, he was just sooo cute. And if it had anything to do with seeing him right after he woke up, then she'd have to do that more often.

"Good morning yourself, stud."

"Hey, dumbass! Let me back in the damn car! And put on some pants, don't nobody be wanting to see that." Xander's eyes sprung open at the irritated sound of Ian's voice.

"Damnit!" He growled out and leaned over to open the car door to let the bronze annoyance back into the car, leaving Shelia to look after him with a strange eye on him.

"Would you be quiet for one day? I mean, ever since I came by you its nag, nag, nag. I have half a mind to take that axe and split your little head wide open." The lone scooby spat out angrily at the paperweight.

Which was looking at him disinterestedly. No, its beady little eyes were on Shelia's breasts.

"Hey! Keep your eyes to yourself." He said before tossing her, her shirt back and turning Ian around so he couldn't see. Muttering the whole time about perverted little monkeys.

"You're a trip, stud," She laughed, as she got dressed.

He wasn't exactly like the guys she was used to dating, hell no. He was more fun. She couldn't remember the last time someone took an axe to defend her life. Or even got into a fight over her.

And this whole one-sided conversation with that ape of his was endearing as far as she was concerned. It added a bit of spice to the relationship. Its not like she hadn't dating anyone that had been neglecting their meds.

But she really needed to do something about his clothes. Class clown didn't appeal to her. And Shelia was sure he'd look damn good in a pair of leather pants.

Looking at his watch, Xander noticed that they were late to help out at the school. That, and he was missing his pants. "Hey! Where's my pants, and what happened to my boxers?"

And he didn't point out the teeth marks on his ... well, but he was interested about that too.

Smirking at him Shelia pulled him into a deep kissing, which calmed his nerves right quick. For her, the kiss on the other hand did something all together different to her. 'Where the hell did he learn to do that with his tongue,' she wondered.

"Come on, you can change at my place. I think I've got something there you could fit into." The would be car thief then jumped over the back seat into the front and climbed in front of the steering wheel.

"Wow, she's got a great ass." Ian commented from Xander's hand.

"I swear, 'your' ass will find its way in front of a blowtorch if you don't keep your little mouth shut, you got me?" Seeing the steely look in the young man's eyes, the tiny ape could only nod and glare.

"Fine, whatever you say."


The Library, later that night.

"Oh, there you are." Giles said to himself at finally tracking down the name Spike had used in the past. He'd been searching ever since Angel had showed up and warned them about the bleached vampire.

"There who is?" Jenny called out to him from in front of a pile of books she'd been going through, also looking for the vampire that had attacked Buffy just the night before.

"Our new friend Spike. In times past he was known as, 'William the Bloody. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very unpleasant fellow." The watcher said as he read.

"Well, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is." Yes, he thought to himself. Maybe this fellow wasn't as bad as Angel had said. Then he came across a very unpleasant area of Spike's past.

"Oh. Oh dear."

Seeing the look on her boyfriend's face, Jenny made her way over to him to see what was the matter.

"I'm thinking Willow's suggestion of running away this Saturday might've been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century. And he's killed them both." Which didn't leave much room for Buffy to survive the attack.


The two teachers turned to the person who'd called out to them. That's where they found Shelia standing in front of the double doors. "Did you say Spike? Bleached blond, blue eyed, long teethed Spike?"

At once Giles was interested in what she had to say. After all, if she had any information about the vampire they were fighting it could be of help. "Yes? Did, did you run into him?"

The darkly clothed young woman just nodded, having changed her clothes she was now wearing a short leather skirt and a halter.

"Ya, that loser tried to bite me last night!" She exclaimed. "But he's dust now so there's nothing to worry about." She explained before going over to the table and looking at all the old books they had. "Wow, y'all are into some weird shit."

"What? Dusted? You, you killed him all on your own?" It was a bit difficult for Giles to believe, if all the things Angel and his books had said were true, that Spike could have been killed by one lone girl.

No matter how stab happy she might be.

"Naw, stud took care of him with that kickass axe of his. Came in swinging and took that fucker's head clean off." Hmmm, just thinking about it made her hot. Xander looked soo fuckable with that axe in his hands and that mad look in his eyes.

Ignoring her failed language skills, Giles pressed on. "Who? Who took his head off with an axe?"

Jenny was also looked at her very expectedly. If there was another threat in town, one that could kill a danger such as Spike so quickly then Buffy wasn't out of the woods yet.

"Oh, Xander! That monkey of his told him to come in swinging and he split bleach boys head clean in two. It was a real rush."

The two teachers looked worriedly between one another. They hadn't thought Xander's latest actions had been too weird, but if he was carrying around an axe and taking orders from a paperweight, then they were really in some trouble.


"Giles has us locked up in that library working on 'your' weapons. Even slaves get minimum wage, and I broke a nail." Cordy said flexing her hands, which were still sore from making all those stakes.

The teen took in the slayer's over all look, and it wasn't pleasant. "Hmmm."

"What?" Buffy demanded not liking the look on the ex-cheerleaders face.

"You're starting to look a little slagged. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now?" The tall brunette asked the smaller girl with a patronizing smile. The slayer could only sigh in defeat.

"Cordelia! I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh together. It's kind of like oil and water and ... some other unmeshable things." The petite blond growled out.

Smirking evilly Cordy went on, "Yeah, and I can see the oil." She pointed towards the chosen one's face.

She then turned around to see Willow standing beside an older blond women, it didn't take her long to figure out that she must be Buffy's mother. "Is that your mom?" Wow, she looked good, Cor had to admit that much.

"Now there is a woman that knows how to moisturize." And do her nails, style her hair, pretty much the whole package. Ms. Summer's most of been a dish in her day. Turning back to Buffy, Cordelia could only shake her head in disappointment, "Did it, like, skip a generation?"

"Well, I believe that I have seen every classroom on campus, and just as I get there all your teachers miraculously have stepped out." Joyce informs her daughter, not at all fooled by this.

"Now where is this Principal of your..." She trailed off when Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia all turned around to see just what it was that Ms. Summers had been gawking out. And that's when they spotted Xander Harris.

A Xander Harris decked out in enough black leather to give a cow nightmares for years. Tight fitting black leather pants, and a leather vest over a black t-shirt. It set off his pale skin and dark hair beautifully.

"Yummy." Joyce said before realizing just where she was.

Buffy turned to her mother, her mouth gaping open. "Mother!!! Don't swoon over any of my friends! Its just ... gross!" The blond slayer looked for support from Willow and Cordelia, but they were still gaping in Xander's wake.

"Wow, dorkboy sure cleans up good." The brunette former cheerleader said surprised.

Of course the rest of the night wasn't so entertaining, not five minutes later Mr. Snyder found Buffy's mom and informed her about all the trouble her daughter had been up too.

And all the days of school she'd missed, and fights she'd started.

And with Spike dead, and Drusilla dieing, there were no vampires to come in and save the slayer from her grounding. Cordelia summed it up the best, "My guess, tenth high school reunion, you'll still be grounded."


The next day.

"I don't see what the big deal is. Xander took care of Spike. Great, it's over. No one needs to worry."

Buffy informed her Watcher as they walked down the school halls. One of the few things in her in life she was still allowed to do. Schoolwork, after school tutoring with Giles, and home.

No hanging out with friends, no dates, nothing fun in the least.

"Buffy! I don't think you see how serious this is. It's not important that he killed Spike. Its important that he took the advice of a 'bloody paperweight'!" He tried to get her to understand.

"There is something seriously wrong with him. Have you never heard of the Son of Sam? He took orders from his dog, it told him to kill people."

"So what? Your saying Xander's monkey is the devil?" The blond slayer sounded worried. Vampires, demons, and now evil monkeys? The Hellmouth was just getting stranger and stranger.

"No, well I don't know. It could be possessed somehow. But I think it's more to do with Xander himself." Giles informed her. The young man's actions were ... worrisome at best. And frightening at the worst.

"So what? You want to call the people in white coats to come and haul him into a padded room?" She yelled.

Xander was being weird, it was true. And this thing with the monkey was sorta creepy, but he wasn't hurting anyone but Vampires. And she could live with that. The only thing that she much cared about was his new relationship with Shelia.

'What did those two had in common; other then a fixation on sharp things,' Buffy mussed.

"Well, what happens when that damned monkey of his starts telling him to cut us into little bitty pieces?" Giles tried one more time to convince her, but to no avail. "Giles! This is Xander we're talking about."


Xander Harris stood looking out of his window down at his father's cursing figure.

"Well, every things pretty much in order now isn't it?" Ian asked from his place on Xander's nightstand. The teen continued to look down at his father. Then he turned to the little bronze monkey.

"You know what you have to do now. Burn the house down." He said with a chippery tone. At the shocked look on Xander's face, Ian fell over and began to laugh his little bronze ass off.

"Kidding, I was kidding." But before Ian could continue, the dark haired young man picked up the little ape and tossed him out his second floor window.

"Now, maybe I can get some peace and quiet." He needed sleep, after all, Shelia had said she'd pick him up later tonight to go dancing and maybe kill a few vampires.

Just as sleep was about to take him, he heard someone calling out to him. "Help! Hhhhheeeeellllppppp!" It was coming from the bathroom.

Thinking someone was in trouble, but wondering why someone needed help was in his bathroom, Xander ran into the room to save whomever it was calling him. But when he got there he found no one.

He was just about to turn away to go back to sleep when, the toilet seat lifted it's lid and said, "Stop pissing on me, kid."

Xander promptly passed out.