The Boomstick Cometh

Author: Bastard Snow <mamille5[at]>

Rating: R, for language, violence, and jokes about the clergy

Disclaimer: Man, I don't own SHIT.

Author's Notes: I wrote this in an hour. Got the idea from a random dialogue idea Drake had (and might use again in the future), and as always, he beta'd. Don't expect a follow-up. Don't expect an explanation. This was to kick my muse's ass into gear, cuz I haven't had many good ideas lately.

Feedback: Please!

Chapter 1

The Scoobies stood on the edge of the crater that used to be their home.

"The First is scrunched," Willow said. "So... what do you think we should do, Buffy?"

"Yeah," said Faith. "You're not the one and only chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?"

"Yeah, Buffy," added Dawn. "What are we gonna do now?"

Buffy looked out over the ruined town and smiled.


Three years later

A heavy set Hispanic man wearing a Hawaiian print shirt was running down the sidewalk. He came to an intersection, and stopped, not knowing which way to go. An arm grabbed him from behind and man-handled him into an alleyway.

The man started to scream, but a hand quickly covered his mouth. Seeing who had hold of him, the Hispanic man quieted down. He looked into the eye of the man who was in front of him and nodded, breathing hard.

"Thank you, Mister Xander, sir," he said.

"Raul, I told you, be quiet," Xander said. "We don't know where these guys are. Do you have a cross?"

"Yes, right here around my neck," Raul said. "Will crosses work against these things?"

Xander came to a stop at the corner and slowly peeked around it. Raul huffed his way up beside him.

"No," Xander said, continuing his survey of the area in front of him. "But you just might wanna pray for salvation."

Raul muttered a small prayer and kissed the cross he kept around his neck.

"I think we're clear for the moment," Xander said. He stepped out into the street, keeping his gun between himself and Raul.

"So tell me," Raul said in his accented English. "What happened to your eye?"

"A priest poked it out," Xander said.

"Jesus!" said Raul.

Seeing no more demons in the area, Xander turned another corner, strode down the side of the building and ducked into an alley, Raul close on his heels. Xander pressed his back up against the wall, and Raul quickly followed suit.

"No," Xander said. "A priest."

"Madre de Dios," Raul said, crossing himself. "But, why did he do it?"

A demon dropped from the roof of the building they were pressed up against. Xander pulled up his sawed-off shotgun and blasted the monster in the face, killing it and splattering its greymatter – or in this case, bluematter – all over the alley, including on themselves.

Xander wiped his hands off on the wall, shook his head, and looked back out of the alleyway.

"Sir?" Raul asked. "Sir, why did he take your eye?"

Xander looked over his shoulder, and smiled a smile that chilled Raul's heart.

"I made change in the collection plate," Xander said. He looked up and saw a flying demon about to dive bomb them. He grabbed Raul's shirt and tossed him to the ground. "Get down!" Xander yelled.

Xander hit the ground raised his shotgun again and sent a group of flying metal buckshot into the belly of the beast, once again dousing himself and Raul in demon guts. Xander grunted and dropped two more shells in the gun, struggled to his feet and walked out of the alley.

Raul sat still on the ground, drenched in goo and panting. He shook his head and dragged himself to his feet. "Este hombre esta loco," he said, before taking a breath and following Xander out into the night.

Raul heard an explosion, close, but not immediately next to them. The lights on the street went out.

"Fuck!" Xander said. "They hit the goddamn transformers. I hate these intelligent sons-of-bitches!"

"Something I do not understand," Raul said, as he watched Xander pull what appeared to be a monocle from his pocket. "Why do you go to all of this trouble for me?"

"I go to this much trouble for lots of people," Xander said. "Specifically? Just got told you're important to the future, that's all."

"And, the eyeglass? Will that help in this darkness?"

"It's not an eyeglass," Xander said. "The people I work for have a lot of money. They've invested in some good technology over the past three years."

"And this? What is it?"

Xander smiled and clicked a switch on the side of the eyepiece. "Night-vision," he said, the grin evident in his voice. "Miniaturized."

Xander's smile vanished as he took in the surrounding area.

"Night-vision, yes," Raul said. "And, what do you see?"

"Trust me, man, you do not want to know."

Xander fired one round of buckshot into the darkness, and Raul heard a scream and a thump, dangerously close. Xander fired again, and there was another thump, just barely farther away than the first.

"I really need to learn to bring faster loading weapons," Xander said as popped the latch and opened the barrels. He slid two more shells into the chambers, cocked the hammer and raised the weapon again.

Something clattered to the ground. Xander looked down, and grinned. "Thank you, sweetie," he mumbled.

"Here," he said, thrusting the shotgun into Raul's hands.

"What should I do with this?" Raul asked. "I am no gunman."

"You don't have to be," Xander said as he leaned down to the ground and picked up two very large pistols. "Just sit down, and don't drop it."

Raul was confused by this, but after having his life saved half a dozen times by this man in the past half hour, he was inclined to listen. Raul sat.

"Raul?" Xander said.


"Cover your ears."

Raul huddled down to the ground and put his hands to his ears, but the report from the pistols easily bled through the dampening ability of his flesh. Above him, the night lit up with muzzle flares as fifty-caliber rounds dropped to the ground from the pistols Xander was firing. Seconds later, it was silent.

"Couldn't have turned on the light?" Xander asked, flipping the monocle up and to one side.

"Sir?" Raul questioned.

"Not you," Xander said as a floodlight came from overhead and Raul saw for the first time a jet-black helicopter hovering above them. Its blades were silent. "Her," Xander said, pointing up at the chopper.

The helicopter landed in the middle of the street, as Raul surveyed the carnage surrounding him. Demons were lying dead, not more than one hole in any of them, except for the two that had taken buckshot to the head. They had *lots* of holes.

A woman hopped out of the helicopter – which Raul still couldn't hear – and strode straight for the two of them.

"You couldn't get here any sooner?" Xander asked.

"Sorry, babe," said the woman. "Traffic was killer."

Xander smiled, then swept the woman into his arms and pressed his lips to hers, his joy at seeing her evident.

"You Raul?" she asked, once Xander had released her.

"Si, si, that is me," he said.

"I'm Faith. We're gonna escort you somewhere safer, and leave you with people who can explain all this shit. Get me?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me," she said, taking Xander's gun from the still-shaken man. "Thank Rambo here. Seriously, babe, a sawed-off shotgun?"

"Remember what Ash says," he said, grinning as the three of them walked to the helicopter. "It's not a shotgun, it's a boomstick."

"It's half a boomstick, and you ain't Ash. I don't see a damn chainsaw on your hand."

"I've got an order in for one," he claimed. "And you're just jealous cuz you don't have a boomstick to play with."

"I got your boomstick to play with," she said, grinning at him mischievously.

Raul reached the helicopter, and was helped inside by one of a half-dozen commandoes.

"All of these men?" Raul asked. "They all came here to save me?"

"Nah," Faith said as she and Xander hopped into the chopper. She pointed at the one-eyed man with his arm wrapped around her. "They came here for him. *He* came here for you."

"I imagine you must be very lucky," Raul said. "To live in a world this dangerous and have a man such as Mister Xander to protect you."

The entire helicopter broke out laughing, including Xander and Faith.

"Buddy," Xander said, "In this relationship, she does all the protecting."

Raul shook his head, and leaned back for the ride as the helicopter flew off into the black of the night.

The End