Xander pulled his old journal from the box. It still seemed surreal how he had ended up on this path. Back then, he would have laughed if someone had told him that some one would play a bigger role in the outcome of his life than Buffy Summers. If that same person had told him that Cordelia Chase would be that person, he would have suffocated laughing so hard.
Although, why anything could still surprise him was well beyond his ability to comprehend anymore. Xander sat down, beginning to read and remember that day so long ago . . .
He was tired and they didn't need him. Who was he kidding? They claimed they needed him, but he knew better. Who really needed a one eyed, battle-tired, carpenter?
Xander stood looking at the lake. He loved his girls, but his heart wasn't really in the fight anymore; it certainly wasn't here in Cleveland. He had lost so much along the way and it seemed like no one was untouched. All he needed to do was think of the original Scooby Gang.
He thought of himself for a moment, but all he could see was Anya. Then there was Buffy. She had died twice, gained a mystical sister, and lost her mother. She had also lost most of the fire for living she once held. She was one girl who had loved living and that had been taken from her. It was as if she was a shell of the woman she has once been. He wished she would find her way back, but he knew idle wishes when he heard them.
Willow had lost her innocence. She wasn't the shy, hacker he had known and loved and although he still loved her; the changes weren't for the better. She lost Tara to the fight even her break up with Oz could be traced back to his becoming a werewolf. He would always love her and be proud of her, but how much of herself had she given up along the way?
Giles, it was hard to know all that he lost. He played things so close to the vest. He had lost Jenny and was tortured by an expert. Not to mention that he had to put up with him and the girls, that alone assured his place in heaven.
Cordelia, she has moved away and was working for Angel of all people. If that weren't bad enough she inherited visions that brought head-splitting Migraines, then she ascended to become a 'higher being'. When she returned her memory was damaged and she slept with Angel's son. Now, she was in a coma and it was unlikely she will ever awake.
"Well, actually that wasn't me. I mean, ewwww, sleep with Conner? As if? He was practically my son."
Xander turned at the first word and before him stood a sort of transparent, kind of ethereal, Cordelia Chase.
". . . But, I do appreciate your thinking of me you big lug." She smiled one of her dazzling smiles at him and gave him a hug, as she became solid.
"So, you're not in a coma?"
She gave him a 'duh, what do you think look?'
"So, what's new?" Xander grinned as she smiled. It was an old joke between them. "Right, so when was the last time you were . . . ah - you?"
"When I ascended, I never came back. I am a higher being and believe me it is so BORING!" Cordy looked away for a moment and spoke a little bit softer. "I wish I could find away to come home, but I am an elder now and there are rules." She turned to face him again. "So, what were you thinking about? Throwing yourself in?" She gestured to the lake with a stern look on her face.
"I won't lie and say I didn't think about it, but no. It would dishonor people like Anya, Tara, Jesse, and Miss Calendar who didn't have the choice to live, if I just threw away my chance." He looked down at his feet. "I am trying to decide what I should do with the rest of my life." He looked up at Cordy who was just smiling at him.
"My construction firm has offered me an administrative position, but I like being at the site and although I could still manage, it would be hard to convince men who don't know me. If it were my crew in Sunnydale, there would be no problem, but here. . . . Besides the company had wanted me to move up for a while. I really don't have a choice about staying in fieldwork anymore. I can do managerial work, I have done the work, I am actually good at it, but I really don't want to be at a desk all day."
"Xander," Cordy smiled, "you are right. You don't belong behind a desk. You belong in the field. I think you would love being in the Air Force. There are all sorts of new worlds out there for you to explore. Yes," Cordelia showed her own version of resolve face, "I think that would suit you well."
"Maybe once," he gave a sad smile, "but I don't think I would make it past the recruiter's desk anymore." He gestured to his eye patch as he spoke.
"IS that all?" She laughed.
"Is that all?" He was confused.
Cordelia walked over and gently raised her hand to the side of his face in a loving caress. "I always loved your big brown eyes. I owe you so much. Since I have ascended I have seen all the things you did to save us that you never told the others. I also know that before I ever ascended, you showed me how much a single, ordinary, human with no powers can do to make a difference. You're far from perfect, you mistakes, but you keep trying."
She continued to caress the side of his face before giving him a big hug. "I love you - you big idiot." She kissed him on the cheek and disappeared.
When he looked-up, he realized he wasn't standing over the lake anymore. Rather he was standing in front of an office in downtown Cleveland. It took him a moment to focus his eyes to read the sign, "Air Force Recruitment."
"Cordy?" He sighed.
"I told you this is where you belong, besides I owed you for the dress." He heard her laughing voice in his head.
I took him a moment to realize that he had focused his eyes - as in "eyes" plural.
"I love you too." He whispered into the air. He knew from experience that it was better to go along with Cordy and do as she said rather than fight her. He looked at the sign. "I don't have anything better to do." He shrugged and walked into the recruiter's office and on to the next mission after Sunnydale.