"You're lucky you were wearing a belt today, Xan…"
"Shut up…"
"I mean, your pants would have been around your ankles now that you're-"
"Don't say it, Wil…"
"A girl…"
GROWL
"You didn't say I couldn't say it…"
"Shut up, Buffy…"
"NO need to be rude…"
"I'm a girl, Buffy. There is a need. There is a positive necessity…"
SIGH
"What's so bad about being a girl? I mean, I've been pretty happy with it for years…"
PAUSE
"Gah…"
"What do you mean, 'gah'?"
"I mean 'gah… There is nothing else that quite fits the situation. And so I repeat. 'Gah'."
"It's not that bad, Xander…"
"Hmmmph…"
"Or should I call you Alexandra?"
GROWL
"Sorry…"
"S'kay…"
"Really?"
"No, but I don't want to get the reputation of being a bitch, do I?"
SIGH
"You know, it's not so bad for you, Xan. Sure, you're a girl. But at least you're a pretty girl…"
"Ha…"
"Xan…"
"Ha…Ha…"
"Xander?"
"You think I'm pretty…you wanna kiss me…wait till I tell Tara!"
"No way, Xander! Shut up! Don't you dare!"
"Yup…I'll tell Tara that her girlfriend has the hots for a her recently womanified best friend!"
"You wouldn't dare!"
SIGH
"No, I wouldn't. But stop trying to cheer me up."
PAUSE
"Well, look at the bright side Xan…"
"Which bright side?"
"The…really important bright side…"
"Which is?"
"Uh…"
PAUSE
"You know, it's not so bad…"
"Ha…"
"What?"
"You do realize, Buffy, that me being a woman means that you can't get any-"
"Any what?"
"Any-"
"ACK!"
"Ha…"
"Willow, do you think you could help me and Xander look for a cure?"
"Why…OH!"
"Yeah…"
"Ha!"
"Shut up!"
"I don't have to, Mrs. Two-for-one!"
"But the two can't-"
"Exactly. And thus you understand the loss in the only way you can."
"WILLOW!!!"
"Buffy! Calm do-"
"No, I can't!"
"Of course she can't! I'm a woman!"
"Shut up, Xander…"
"But-"
"QUIET!!!!"
SILENCE
"All right folks. We need to calm down. Relax."
"Okay."
"Okay."
SIGH
"Let's just go down to the Bronze, get some down time, and then we can start trying to figure out how to reverse Xander's little…dilemma…"
"Damn straight."
"Hell yeah.."
"Jeez, you're worse than Anya…"
"Well, have you ever-"
"Don't want to know…"
"He's a real-"
"Please don't…"
PAUSE
"Let's just say that all would be better with Xander as a male…"
"Thank you…"
"Thank you…"
"What do you mean, thank-"
"Let's just go…"
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP
CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK
SQUISH, SQUISH, SQUISH, SQUISH, SQUISH
THUMP
"I'll go get the drinks. What do you girls-"
GROWL
"-People want?"
"Soda, thanks…"
"And you, Xan?"
"Tea…"
"Tea?"
"It works for Giles…"
"Yeah…"
"And if I got anything with sugar, my nerves would probably start a fireworks show…"
"Point taken…"
"All right then. Be back in a minute…"
SHUFFLE, SHUFFLE, "Excuse me!, SHUFFLE
MUMBLE
"Thank you…"
SHUFFLE, SHUFFLE
"Here you g-"
CLANG, BASH, SPLASH
"Oh Xander, your tea! I'm so…"
"XANDER!!!"
"Xander?"
"'lp mmm…"
XANDER!!! It's back, I'm sure…"
"mmm…'lp mmm…"
SQUEEZE
"What?"
"uuhf…'lp mmm…"
PAUSE
"Oh my God, the belt!"