As he walked down the street, Xander Harris wondered how his life had gotten so good lately. He had a job again, and he had a girlfriend. Sure they hadn't had sex yet, even if they'd been together for over a year, but the physical part wasn't everything in a relationship - right?
The young man smiled as he thought of how much he loved Buffy Summers, and although the relationship was a little rocky...he knew that with luck and determination, they would make it work.
Xander walked into his apartment, tired after the long day at the construction site. He was glad Willow had been able to give him a magical eye, so that he could start working again; doing what he loved best. Too bad it only held up for six hours before it needed to be magically recharged for 12 hours, but at least it was better than that damn eyepatch...
As he walked into his apartment that he shared with Buffy, the former Donut Boy of Sunnydale High heard strange noises coming from their bedroom; Xander then thought, 'I still can't believe she's with me...'
But as he walked into the room, the one-time Zeppo was shocked to see Buffy with not just Angel but Spike as well, naked in their bed.
"Holy - oh for cryin' out loud, again Buffy? Damn it, and with those two?! Hey, hey, you could at least stop while I'm talking-!?" he yelled, as Angel and the reborn William the Bloody continued to pleasure the blonde Slayer.
Unable to listen to her moans, Xander walked out of the room and waited half an hour for them to finish. Then he heard them starting to talk in the other room...
"I still can't believe you're actually with that useless whelp, luv. Leave him, we can give ya all the fun you need," said Spike. After being resurrected by the people working for Angel, the two had decided on contacting Buffy - in more than one sense.
"Yeah, Buffy, forget him. Spike and I can take care of *all* your needs," added a smirking Angel. After all, he was about to get the girl of his desires; and by this time the guy didn't care if he had to share her with Spike or not.
Hell, the past year had been great; utilizing the resources of Wolfram & Hart had worked out bloody wonderful for him. He now was able to keep his soul even after a moment of happiness, and have his way with any woman he wanted. Plus, Angel had lots of money and power over the L.A. populace, demon or otherwise...
"Sorry guys, I can't. But that doesn't mean you can't come by, and have some fun occasionally..."
Buffy didn't like the disappointed looks on their faces, but then she couldn't bear to let Xander leave her. Sure, Spike and Angel were great in bed; but having the guy who'd always loved her constantly at her beck and call, that was a feeling akin to a 24/7 orgasm.
'To think my Xander-shaped friend keeps coming back to me, every day!' Buffy thought with a giggle. And what the hell; she knew just how to talk to him, and convince him that what he'd just seen wasn't her fault, or that of the other two.
Xander watched Angel and Spike leave, and glared at them as they smirked on the way out. After they left, he waited for Buffy as she walked into the living room, "So what the hell was that supposed to be about? And isn't Spike supposed to be just a pile of ashes now?"
"Well, it's complicated - but basically Angel was able to resurrect him, and they needed me to have sex with them so that Spike can stay alive."
It was ridiculous and lame, but Buffy tried to look guilty and depressed so that Xander would believe it. 'Odds are you'll fall for that one...' "He saved the world, Xander, when he closed the Hellmouth. It, it was the least I could do..."
Oddly enough, the 23-year-old *did* believe her. "Fine, Buffy, but you told me you wouldn't cheat on me again! Damn it, it's the fourth time - and you promised me the last time, that that was it!"
Buffy looked ready to cry. "But I forgive you!" Xander quickly added. He got up, hugged her, and missed the expression that was on Buffy's face.
'I knew it would work!' "I promise, sweetheart, it's the last time anything like that will ever happen!" she swore to the man holding her gently.
A few days later Xander was with Buffy in their bed, "Come on, Buffy! You had sex with Angel and Spike at the same time, why can't I have some fun too?" the bearer of the magical eye asked with some desperation.
"Because...look, Xander, I-I'm not ready to go that far with you yet. Don't you want me to be ready? To make it really worthwhile for me, as well as for you?" Buffy gave him the best puppy dog eyes she could, adding a pout to it. "Don't you love me enough? And how could you bring up what happened before? You know I had no choice about that! I thought you forgave me..."
"Oh, Buffy, I'm sorry. You're right," Xander hugged her, and as she rolled onto her side he just tried to get some rest.
Buffy ignored that and quickly fell asleep, thinking, 'Man! I can't believe he always forgives me and believes me. Oh well, more fun for me I guess...'
A year later, Buffy still hadn't had sex with Xander; and she had been caught three more times, cheating on him.
They say nothing good lasts forever; finally, Xander decided to leave her, after being convinced to do so by Dawn and Vi. The two said they wanted to start a relationship with him, and really desperate for a shag - the big dummy agreed.
As Xander walked home to his new apartment that he shared with the two lovely young women, he was happy with his life again. He had two beautiful girls waiting, and was so hoping to get lucky tonight...
Harris walked into his bedroom, and saw both Vi and Dawn going at it. "Cool, I'll join you girls..."
But the two women instantly pulled the covers over themselves, the apple not falling far from the tree. "Sorry Xander, Vi and I have decided that we don't want you anymore. We can take care of things ourselves, now that you got us an apartment. So, you can leave - and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out."
The man looked at Dawn, hurt. "But I thought you loved me?"
Vi laughed, "Yeah, right! We just used you like everyone else does, chump. Now hit the road!"
Xander realized then that he shouldn't have leased the apartment in their names; so he just packed up his stuff in a suitcase, and left.
Depressed and having nowhere else to go, Xander finally made up his mind to go back to Buffy. She *had* called his cell phone a few days ago, and asked him to get back together with her...
The young man soon found himself in front of Buffy's apartment, and knocked. Buffy opened the door as she wiped her mouth, "Oh!! Hi Xander, good to have you back..."
Xander tried to walk in, despite her trying to stop him, then noticed that Spike and Angel were in the living room and straightening their pants - or at least trying to. "Oh great, them again! To think that I forgave you, but I see things haven't changed..."
Xander turned to the open door, and saw Cordelia about to knock. "Cordy!?" he said, shocked.
The brunette smiled at him, then yanked the man out into the hallway and closed the door behind her, breaking the handle. "Sorry Xand, but I didn't want to have to talk over the three moaners in there."
Xander hugged her, and laughed bitterly. "Oh my God, Cordy, I missed you! Where have you been? I tried searching for you, but Angel said you didn't want to be found..."
She snorted. "That ass!? Oh yeah, I know everything he said, Xander."
"And I say, HUH?" he replied, wondering what 'everything' entailed and what the hell she was talking about.
"I think all that time underwater screwed up his brain, big time! Either that, or those evil lawyers finally succeeded in, you know..." Cordelia then explained everything that had happened, including her and Angel falling in love.
"So, so lemme get this straight. You became part-demon. Then a higher being, but that was just a fakeout to get you where you had to be in order to be filled with the essence of some sorta Power-That-Was? And, and then you came back, had sex with Angel's kid, gave birth, ended up in a coma and...hey, wait, how does Angel even *have* a kid? Damn, someone else's life is even worse than mine!"
Buffy chose at that moment to smash down the door and grab Xander. She snarled at Cordelia, "Leave my boyfriend alone, you bitch!"
"Don't you mean your meal-ticket?" Cordy quickly replied. "Well, forget it, he's coming with me. I'll treat him like he deserves, and he won't even have to support me. Besides, I don't want to let all that training I did on him in high school to go to waste!"
Xander looked at the two, wondering what the hell was going on; all he knew was two girls were fighting over him, and he kinda liked it. "Ah, do I get to have any say in this?"
Buffy shouted, "NO!"
But Cordy grinned at him, "Don't interrupt Xand, I was talking to Slutty here..."
The thing was, Ms. Chase had had enough of the fucked-up life she had been leading. Yes she still wanted to help people, and yes she wanted to start up her acting career again; but she had realized that wouldn't happen with Angel now, since he had gone over to the dark side with Wolfram &Hart.
All she knew was that with her ex-boyfriend, things might start working out for her, and let her progress towards having a so-called life. "Ya know what? This is a waste of time. Xander, let's get outta here; I have a business proposition to offer you, something the bitch here can't match..."
Not knowing what to say, Xander just shrugged and went along with it. But Buffy pushed him aside, and got ready to attack Cordy. "I'll show you what *this* bitch can do, you little tramp! I know you're part-demon now, so that means I get to slay you..."
"Don't you mean screw me, Buffy? 'Cause that's what you do with the bad guys, isn't it?" replied Queen C. Cordelia then quickly sidestepped the enraged charge, and watched as Xander grabbed the Buffmeister and picked her up.
"Calm down, Buffy! Damn it - Angel, Spike! Come on, grab ahold of her..." He then dragged Buffy inside.
The two centuries-old creatures snapped out of their shock at seeing Cordelia out of her coma, and took a firm grip on the enraged Slayer before she could try to get out of Xander's grasp.
"Cordy! You're, you're awake!" Angel sputtered, as he looked at her - clad only in his boxer shorts.
The Chase woman raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, and I can see you've been waiting patiently for me to wake up, like you kept telling me whenever you came to visit - once in a blue moon!" She then looked at her former boss in disgust, "God, Angel, is it any wonder Wesley left your undead ass behind when he went to go rebuild the Council with Giles in England? That Gunn and Fred eloped and never came back? That even Lorne doesn't speak to you anymore?"
Deciding to just ignore Angel, Cordelia walked up to Xander. "Come on dorkhead, what do you really have here? Nothing but pain and betrayal, that's what, so like I said - let's go!"
Buffy tried to stop him. "Xander, you could be attacked by vampires out there! It, it's not safe for you to leave," she said, trying to use one of the old classics from high school.
"Oh please, Buffy, all the vamps around here are in your bedroom!" Xander slowly walked up to her and softly caressed her cheek, "But you know, I do forgive you. Whatever else has happened between us, I have to do that. But it's over, I am done here. I hope you can find happiness..."
Cordy walked up to Xander, grabbed his ear and they started to leave; but then she stopped, and hit him on the back of the head. "Damn it, loser boy, stop forgiving her!"
"I can't help it, Cordy! It's like I'm cursed or something, and have to keep doing it. Just like she has to keep cheating on me. Huh, maybe Anya or Halfrek got bored one day when they were all vengeance-y, and this is their posthumous revenge..."
"I can't believe she picked him over me. Argghh!!" screamed Angel, as the other two left the building. "He must have put a spell on her!"
Buffy was shocked at Angel's words, "What the hell are you talking about? You're mine! Remember when we had the cookie dough talk? Well, I am ready to be eaten now..." she was starting to get angry.
"But, still!" Angel cried. "We were meant to be together! It was kye-rumption!"
"What?" asked Spike, not recognizing the Pylean word.
Angel said vaguely, still staring longingly after Cordy, "It's when two Champions meet together on some kinda field, and know that - uh, that they're supposed to be together or something, I forget exactly what..."
That did it; those words were enough to move all her anger at Xander towards Angel. Buffy screamed and attacked her first time, the Slayer strength put to very painful use.
Spike watched with a toothy grin as the two fought, "Great, I love it when they start with the foreplay like this!"
Buffy, Spike, Angel, and the rest of the Slayers decided to watch TV together for once. They started channel-surfing, when they came upon an E! Entertainment show.
They watched the telly as they heard, "And now for our interview with the duo who some people are calling the new IT couple in Hollywood...Cordelia Chase and Xander Harris!"
The group watched in silence, stunned at what they were seeing.
Interviewer: "Now, Cordelia. I've heard that some characters on your show have been taken from people you actually know, in real life?"
Cordy: "Oh sure, Xander and I went to school with this one girl? All she could do was try to manipulate everyone, and use a pushup bra to get whatever she wanted. So basically, the dumb blonde has to be saved all the time on the show, just like the girl we knew. It makes for great storylines, and ratings!"
Everyone turned to look at Buffy, jaws nearly on the floor; and the woman in question was white with disbelief.
Interviewer: "I know you've stated for the record that you can't reveal much, but could you at least mention the name of this person, so that our viewers can be familiar with the character on the day of the premiere?"
Cordy: "Well, her name is Muffy Ummars. Of course, we had to change the original name slightly so that we wouldn't have to deal with any legal ramifications or whatever! My husband here wrote most of the storyline, along with myself."
In the TV room Buffy was fuming, "That bitch, I'll kill her!"
Interviewer: "So tell us, how did the series become the first show ever to be aired on two networks?"
Xander: "Oh, that's easy; after the three movies Cordelia starred in hit number one at the box office for two months straight, the bigwigs decided it was worth the risk. Myself, I never believed it was any risk at all compared to the last job she had," he laughed.
"Yeah, Harris, laugh it up, ha-ha!" Angel replied angrily to the TV set.
Interviewer: "Cordelia, I heard on the grapevine there was an idea for a sister show to the one you'll star in. Can you confirm or deny?"
Cordy: "Well, yeah, there was a character we had thought of using; but he was so tall, dark and brooding all the time, all our test audiences thought he mighta been a bit too West Hollywood. You know, gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that..."
The 250-year-old former Irishman could have been run over by a truck at that moment, and never even noticed.
Xander: "Yeah, it was the funniest thing. I mean, we set him up to be this big 'Dark Avenger' hero type; and all that the survey questionnaires contained were complaints about the hair, and how gay it looked! So we basically decided to can the idea, and maybe bring the character in as cannon fodder later on in future seasons."
"Why, that son of a-! I'll hunt him down. I'll rip his throat out!" screamed Angel, while Spike did his best to smother his laughter.
"Ah, honey, we don't have the money to go after him or penetrate their security now. Remember? You bankrupted the LA branch of Wolfram &Hart," replied a bitter Buffy. Her meal-ticket was gone, and Angel had messed up her chance at financial security...
Angel looked around angrily, "Well, I'm not a lawyer! How was I supposed to know how to run a law firm?!"
The rest of those present ignored their somewhat amusing antics, their eyes glued firmly to the TV.
Interviewer: "So, everyone is dying to know how much the Chase-Harris estate is worth now, with this TV series/movie deal. Any hints you can give us?"
Cordy: "Well, it wouldn't be proper for us to state on air just how much we're really worth, but I can say that with the new special effects software our company has going, we'll be around for years - even if we decide to not do the series anymore."
Interviewer: "Yes, and speaking of which - can you please reveal more about your company, Chasers Inc.? Information on it has truly been scarce. It's almost spooky," he laughed.
Xander: "Okay, when we initially started our first movie about two years ago, I was doing most of the funding - along with a few other silent partners. I'd worked for years saving up money, and I decided to use it to help my wife's career. Our old high school classmate and friend Andrew Wells was Cordelia's assistant for a while, and helped work out the logistics of Chasers Inc.; when we started filming, he also told us he could do all the special effects on, like, this shoestring budget. So we gave him the funding, and he really surprised us with his ideas and methods! Actually, he's now the president of the company, as well as head designer of-"
"That little turd has his own company now?! I can't believe this!" screamed Willow Rosenberg, drowning Xander out completely.
"Bloody hell," said Spike in amazement. "I shoulda killed the little git when we were alone in Gilroy, way back when..."
"Hmm, think they could use any stunt doubles?" laughed Faith. Then she got a funny expression, "Ya know what? I think I'm gonna get in touch with the X-man, and charm myself a job - 'cause you never forget your first time! It looks like he's got something good going there..." She subsequently got up, packed and left the building - tired of all the crap about her past that she had been putting up with from Buffy for the last few years, after Robin Wood had died.
"And where are all of you going?" Buffy demanded of the large group of Slayers, that had started leaving the main room of the remodeled motel they had been living in.
"Well," Rona said slowly, "This, uh, may not be the best time to-"
She noticed Buffy's glare, and shrugged. "Okay, we've kind of decided to move back to our own cities. I mean, we're not exactly needed in this town anymore; the Hellmouth around here isn't even at a hundredth of the power of the one that was in Sunnydale. Plus, I think some of us are going to England, and try to get a job working for the Council..."
Buffy was stunned. "No. No, they're evil! I, I order you not to go! You're all needed here! And there's still so much I have to train you for..."
"Train us?" one girl spoke up in amazement. "Please, you haven't been out of this building or your bedroom in weeks! You've been facing vampires every night, but they've been plunging their stakes into your dark places and not the other way around, if ya know what I mean..."
"Yeah," another girl chimed in. "Besides - now that your sugar daddy vampire has run outta money after screwing up running the big evil law firm, we can't afford the rent in this place anymore. So, we're outta here!"
"You traitors!"
Ignoring that, all the girls left but two. "Great, you guys are staying with me?" Buffy beamed.
"No, we're leaving too. Come on, Spike!"
Buffy whipped her head around, unable to believe one of her lovers was thinking of abandoning her.
"Sorry pet, but nowadays if ya don't look out for number one, you're just askin' for some wanker to come up and start buggering you! Been meaning to look Dru up for a few years, anyway. Gotta go where it's best for me, ya know..." Spike got up, and left with the younger Slayer.
"Well, Buffy, I-I'm sorry - but I have to stay with Kennedy, I love her. Look, I know you'll be fine, you have Angel..." So saying, Willow jumped up and chased after the other two.
Angel then looked at his woman, shrugged and went off to get a drink before going to bed.
"But I'm the Slayer!!" Buffy cried out to the empty room.