Times on the Hellmouth have been interesting, to say the least, lately. Somehow during the time I've spent living in Sunnydale, I'd forgotten one, albeit minor, detail. The Creator has a sense of humor. But, once again I'm getting ahead of myself.
A couple of years ago, I'd walked out of the storeroom of my seemingly innocent shop to find a girl of sixteen sitting at one of the tables. I must say, that usually when a person that young comes into the shop, I feel quite exuberant. They simply reek of innocence, even if some of them are so called 'bad seeds'. At that age, they are still so very innocent. The Creator made sure of that. And what a lovely feast it is to taint that innocence with my darkness.
I was about to find out what I could do for her when my Slayer came rushing through the door and engulfed the girl into a hug. Now, up to this point, I'd never considered that my Slayer would be a lesbian, let alone a cradle robber. Imagine my increased shock when I heard Buffy call this girl her sister. A sister? Since when did the Slayer have a sister?
I'm fairly set in my ways, and even on the Hellmouth I don't get many surprises. I assure you, I do not enjoy surprises. To keep up appearances, I had to play dumb. Pretend as if Buffy having a sister was the most normal thing in the world. Of course, all the while I was plotting several ways to make this innocent creature one of my masterpieces.
It was about this time, that I received my second surprise of the day. One of the Hosts On High paid me a little visit in my private office. Apparently, this little girl, Dawn, was off limits to me. Off limits… that was a foreign concept to me. Even the Creator's Son wasn't off limits. So, for the first time that I can remember, a being was placed outside of my sphere of influence by The Creator Himself. This "chapped my ass" as one of my so-called charges would say.
Time went on, and it was revealed that "some monks" from the "Order of Dagon" created this Dawn from a mystical key of energy. I use the American air quotes, because I knew damn good and well who'd made Dawn. It must have amused Him that the most innocent soul I'd encountered in over 1700 years was before me every day, and I couldn't do anything about it.
However, the reason for her creation, outside of my continual agitation, was to protect the girl from a Hell Goddess named Glorificus. There are two things about this I found very amusing. And for once, I enjoyed The Creator's sense of humor. Just this once.
These "monks" had sent Dawn, to someone that would do anything to protect her. In a list of people I would assign to protect a mystical key of power, Buffy would fall somewhere in the middle quartile. And if anyone would have been an accurate judge of these things, it would be me. I had spent the last 5 years watching her. Between you and me, had the Prince of Darkness not been at her side, things would have gone very badly for the human race. Trusting a cheerleader to save the world? On multiple occasions? I may be a corrupter, and all around evil bastard, but even I'm not that sadistic. Sometimes it's just hard to get The Creator's sense of humor. It's much like British humor… in Bizarro world.
But in this case, I did find the humor in trusting someone like Buffy to protect someone like Dawn. It's like the beginning to a very bad joke, especially considering the fact that the Devil was a constant presence in Buffy's life.
The other amusing aspect was the very concept of this Hell Goddess. She was big time in her dimension, but in the overall scheme of things, she was small potatoes. Her one redeeming factor, was that she was quite pleasant to look at. Her voice grated on my nerves and she wasn't very bright, but the body more than made up for it. Someone on her power level should have recognized me immediately and pledged fealty. She, of course, did no such thing. In any other case, as I have in the past with others who deigned to end the world, I would have eliminated her. But even Satan has a weakness for a pretty woman.
You didn't think Eve was offered an apple because she was the first one on the scene did you?
Even though The Creator didn't allow me to directly corrupt Dawn, He hadn't excluded her mother from any harm. So as I did with Job, I decided to put the Slayer and the little Key to a test. I gave their mother a brain tumor. I hadn't counted on the medical professionals being able to treat the tumor though, but fortunately the HMO Mrs. Summers was enrolled in is a subsidiary of mine. Long story short, the lack of care Mrs. Summers received post operation due to her HMO was a direct cause in her later death.
Of course, I'm sure you're not surprised that Satan runs the HMO's are you?
Months passed, and Buffy and her friends got pulped on multiple occasions. It was sadly unsatisfying to watch the witch dabble more and more in dark magics. You see, she'd given herself over to evil years and years before. That one has a terrible lust for power. It sort of reminded me of myself. At the time, I figured I'd have to eliminate her sooner or later; she was just stupid enough to end the world.
I had to shake my head, it appears that Buffy, in her limited wisdom, handed her sister off to the very enemy she was trying to keep away from Dawn. Have I mentioned before how hard it is to get good help?
This lead to a final battle against Glorificus, pitched in a once vacant lot of all things. I missed the days where great battles were fought amidst a backdrop of beautiful scenery. It added a beautiful and poetic irony to the whole thing. There's nothing ironic about a battle in a vacant lot. It's just poor taste.
Eventually, Buffy prevailed over Glorificus, and she reverted to her vulnerable human form. Knowing that she would not keep her promise and stay away, thus continuing to be a thorn in my plans for humanity, I decided to end her life. I'm not sure what ever happened to Ben in the afterlife. But I do so enjoy my new blonde concubine in Hell.
After the battle with Glorificus, I was a bit perturbed that I had never fully corrupted Buffy's soul, and that it appeared that I never would. What with her being in Heaven, or a reasonable approximation. So, with her absence, I decided to take up some business I'd been neglecting over the years in other parts of the world. My cover story was that I was returning to the Watcher's Council.
Bah. If ever there was a group in less need of corrupting, it was them. There's nothing like a lust for power and misogyny to the extreme to make an organization ripe for the picking. The Council had been doing my bidding for nearly as long as they had existed. Those first few years were touch and go, they had too many good intentions and good actions to make them my pawns. But pride, ah pride. Pride, lust and power. There's nothing like a good cocktail of sins to make good people my little minions.
By the way, did you know the whole idea for a Slayer was mine? Well, it was an underling's, but I took credit for it. Not long after I summarily dispatched the underling. Free thinkers aren't that welcome in Hell.
But fortunately, that power mad witch and her little White Knight decided that the world needed its Champion back. And through a few Dark Magics, they drew Buffy from Heaven and brought her back to life. On a side note, you can always be removed from Heaven, but never from Hell. The afterlife's a bitch that way.
When I returned to Sunnydale, what I saw delighted me. Buffy looked shell-shocked, and for the first time, defeated. It took several days of calculations before I figured out just what would tip her over the edge. Well two things actually.
Firstly, in her time of need, when she needed her central father figure most, he wouldn't be there. She would be all alone and yet another person she trusted and needed, would abandon her. Giles would be out of her life for the foreseeable future. But I couldn't tear myself away like a band-aid. Someone might step in and fill the gap. I had to be patient, slowly pull away. And it worked beautifully. Buffy began to doubt Giles's love for her, began to hate being alive, and grew bitter and hateful. I had some good nights with my blonde concubine during this period of time
The other tipping factor was Spike. That chip allowed him to do more damage to Buffy than he ever could have as a purely evil creature. Spike was, is, and always will be a fuck up. But, for once in his undead life, he did something right. He broke what was left of Buffy's spirit. He turned her sex life from something beautiful, to something tainted and wrong. He did more in those few months to bring a taint to Buffy's soul than I had in the previous few years.
But leave it to Spike to make a bloody mess of a perfectly good situation. When he tried to force himself on Buffy, he broke his hold over her, broke the tainted trust she'd developed in him. I made a note to myself to make his afterlife especially unpleasant whenever I get my hands on him.
So, with my current project buggered, I had to find a new distraction. From afar, I'd watched Willow abuse her power. Over and over, she chose the easy path over the more difficult and disciplined one. The only thing holding her back from true evil was her disgustingly pure and incorruptible lover, Tara. As much as some would like to think, Tara being a lesbian wouldn't keep her from Heaven. Her soul was just too pure.
So I decided to make sure she received her eternal reward, albeit earlier than planned. However, in a rare miscalculation, I underestimated Willow's reaction to her lover's death, and she threatened to destroy the world. I was prepared to eliminate her in a confrontation in the Magic Box when I received another visit from one of the Hosts. I was told not to interfere with Willow either, but just this one time. This had to play itself out.
Frustration wouldn't even begin to describe the feeling I had when I allowed Willow to defeat me. And as I watched Willow on Kingman's Bluff, I was reminded once again of the Creator's sense of humor. Somehow, Alexander had slipped under my radar all of this time. Up until this point, I hadn't realized his true nature. "Protector of Mankind" indeed.
I would have wagered a great sum on his demise when Willow first attacked him. But, other than some superficial wounds, he suffered no ill effects. That troubled me, because not only did he not suffer from the effects of the darkest of dark magics, his aura actually brightened, and he gained inner strength from the attacks. Only a handful of beings could do that, and they were all evil, or at least had evil heritages. But, his soul was untainted. Not unblemished white, but good enough to earn an eternal rest.
As he talked Willow down, and averted the destruction of the world, I remembered an encounter with a human woman in the early 1980's. Like I said, I have needs.
The Creator must have been greatly amused as I realized that not only did I have a son, but he was annoyingly pure hearted. A White Knight.