Xander's Terribly Bad Halloween

Author: Robert Haller <fallendruid[at]gmail.com>

Disclaimer: None of the works depicted herein...I'm just tormenting the characters.

A/N: Please don't hurt me...

Chapter 1

"What'd you get?" Buffy asks.

"A time-honored classic!" Willow holds up a ghost costume.

"Okay, Will, can I give you a little friendly advice?"

"It's not spooky enough?"

"It's just... you're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding.

You're missing the whole point of Halloween."

Willow smiles. "Free candy?"

"It's come as you aren't night. The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild with no repercussions."

"Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz."

"Don't underestimate yourself. You've got it in you."

"Hey, Xander!" Willow calls, as he walks up to them. "What'd you get?"

He pulls a toy military rifle out of his bag and holds it up for Willow to see.

"That's not a costume."

Xander just looks at Buffy, then turns to Willow. "I got fatigues from an Army surplus at home. Call me the Two-Dollar Costume King, baby!" He smiles at Willow. She frowns at him.

"Xander, that's not what we agree on."

"I know, Will, but..."

"A bet's a bet, Xander!"

"Come on, Wills, that's totally unfair." Willow gives him the Look. "Willow..." He whines. More Look.

"Uhm...what's going on?" Buffy asks.

Willow is still giving Xander the Look. "A long time ago, he made a bet with me. Just recently, I won the bet. Persuant to the terms...I get to decide what he dresses like for one day."

"Stupid bet..." Xander mutters to himself.

Willow grins wickedly. "At least I'm doing this on Halloween."

He mutters some more. "Don't do me any favors." He turns around, and walks back to the discount bin he'd gotten the gun from.

"He'll be a bit getting the costume ready." Willow says.

"What's he going as?"

"Now that...is a secret."

"Oh, come on, you can tell-" Buffy is distracted by a fancy dress. She slowly starts walking over to it.


Buffy comes down the stairs and opens the door for Xander. He enters, his hair apparently about waist length, tied back into a ponytail.

He's wearing a cheap fabric trench coat, and...there's something odd about his face.

Xander walks through the door, and sees Buffy in her costume. "Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!"

Curtsying, she replys. "Thank you, kind sir." Xander bows in return. "But wait till you see..." They turn to look up the stairs at Willow. She has put on the ghost sheet. It says 'BOO!' on the front in large bold letters.



"Hey, Will! That's aaa fine boo you got there."


"Where's your bodyguard, Harris? Curling her hair?" Larry jumps at Xander, making him flinch. He laughs in Xander's face, making as if to rip the trench coat off before departing, still laughing.

Xander finds his group of kids, and gets them..sorta organised. "Okay, on sleazing extra candy: tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old 'you missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood?" They all nod their heads. "Okay, gang."

"Mister, what are you wearing?" One curious kid asks, looking under the trench coat.

Xander blushes deeply. "Clothes. Let's move out!"


Xander jerks back like he's just been hit by something. He bends over slightly, looks down at his clothes. Slowly he straightens back up and surveys the scene around him. "What the?" A husky, feminine voice emanates from Xander's lips. He watches as several demonic looking creatures scurry past. "This...this can only be the work of..." He pauses, and then says something entirely different. "Jupiter Crystal Power, Make Up!"

Chapter Duex

Xander paces back and forth in front of Willow's house, waiting impatiently for her to start walking to school. In one hand he carrys a sack, the other an unlit cigarette. His hand is shaking. Willow finally exits her house. "Willow!" Xander calls, rushing up to her.

"Hi, Xander." Willow walks down the path and hugs Xander lightly. "Hey, why do you have a cigarette?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Xander says, stuffing the unlit cig into his mouth. "Apparently, Makoto is a smoker. I'm VERY not happy with this, Willow."

"Uhm...I'm sorry?" Wilow squeaks. "I mean I didn't know this was gonna happen and I'm very sorry about it, I'll never make you dress up as any one else ever again not even on Hallo-"

"You're babbling, Will." Xander says, smiling gently. "Here." He shoves the sack into her hands.

"What's this?" She asks.

"A bento. It's not much, just a simple bento...that I made on reflex."

"Hey, why are you still wearing the wig?"

He mutters something under his breath.


"I said, it's not a wig." He pulls on the ponytail hard. It doesn't come off. He starts waving it at Willow "Do you have any idea how long it takes to shampoo four feet of hair? I didn't even have the right conditioner!" He pauses. Willow could almost see him replaying what he'd just said. "Since when do I care about conditioner!?"

"So why didn't you just cut it off?"

He looks at her in shock and clutches the ponytail to himself protectively. "How could you-argh! That's why I can't cut it off! I can't...bring myself to do it!"

The two continue walking to school, Xander staring darkly at the ground and muttering imprecations quietly, while Willow watches him in concern.

As they approach the school Larry intercepts them. "Hey, Harris. Love the hair. Trying to go even more girl?"

"Shut up, Larry. I'm not in the mood." Xander starts walking past him.

"Don't ignore me, Harris!" Larry calls as he grabs him by the ponytail, pulling him back.

"Gah!" He cries, eyes almost watering from the pain. He turns around smoothly, and in three quick blows, drops Larry to the ground. "Baka, zakennayo." He continues on, ignoring the huddled mass of whimpering bully.

"That was low, Xan. Did you really have to knee him there?" Willow says.

"...okay, so maybe it's not *all* bad..." Xander mutters quietly. "And yes, I did." His eye seem to almost glow. "He could have hurt my hair." He pauses for a moment, thinking over what he just said. He turns, and pounds his head gently into a wall.


Scene: Library, during lunch

"I just don't know what to do, Giles!" Xander exlaims.

"Well, there seems to be no overt signs of possesion...Do you know if Buffy or Willow are having similar experiences?"

"I don't think Willow is, she probably would have said something about it...besides, she was the only one of us who remembered who she was.

"Hey, Giles!" Buffy barges into the library, followed a moment later by Willow.

"Buffy." Giles replies, looking at her. "You seem happy."

"Yup!" She grins proudly. "I just aced myself a french test."

Giles begins to polish his glasses. "Really?" he says, skeptically. "As I recall, weren't you averaging a D in that class?"

"Well, yeah, but-Hey! How'd you know that?"

"Buffy, I am a member of this faculty...and your watcher. Thus it is my duty to ensure that you are applying yourself." He ponders a moment. "Buffy, you went as an 18th century noblewoman, correct?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Have you been having any, any strange urges, or reflexive actions, or perhaps odd memories?"

"No...I mean, not really. Aside from the french stuff, anyways." She frowns. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, Xander here has been having some odd experiences. He appears to have acquired smoking habits,"

Xander looks up, a short pencil hanging out of his mouth. "Not voluntarily."

"Ah, yes...quite. An odd reflexive protectivensss of his hair, and a fair amount of cooking skill."

"I hope you don't mind, Xan, I shared the Bento with Giles and Buffy." Willow says.

"Nah, that's all right. I'll just make more tomorrow." He frowns. "Need to get some better rice though...maybe some nice squid..."


Scene change: Gym

Xander walks through the door, whistling cherfully. He comes to an abrupt halt. "Oops...wrong door." He exits quickly, followed by a storm of hard objects.

Chapter 3
Head exploding madness

"I'm scared, Giles." Willow slowed as she approached the library's office. That was Xander's voice. "Everyday, I have these weird thoughts, impressions...hell, I walked into the girl's locker room *on purpose*...and not to ogle the girls, either." She stopped outside the door, and pressed her ear against it in an attempt to hear better.

"I'm not sure what more I can do for you, Xander. I have researched the spell that Ethan used, and the literature indicates that the implanted memories should fade over a period of time, not become stronger."

"Yeah well, that's exactly what's happening." Xander laughs a bit in a disturbing manner. "I looked at you this morning, and, and you'll never guess what the first thought through my head was." He stops and waits for Giles to speak.

"Don't have the foggiest, I'm afraid."

"And I quote, 'He's pretty hot for an old guy...'"

Giles clears his throat suddenly, and begins to polish his glasses. "Well, uh, I will of course step up my resarch into what may be causing this, and any ways to, uh, extricate these memories from your mind." He pauses a moment, considering. "If I may be so bold, you said that you went dressed as a japanese schoolgirl, correct?"

"Er, yes."

"Now, this character, was there anything odd about her, any, any magickal or psionic powers?"

"She was a Sailor Scout."

"And that is, precisely, what?"

"Uh..." Xander hesitates for a moment, trying to dredge the memory up. "A pretty, sailor suited warrior for love and justice? THey have magic powers that they get from the planets and they're always going on about the moon?"

Giles drops his glasses. "Oh dear lord."

"What!? What is it?"

Visibly shaken, Giles bends down to pick up his glasses. "Uhm, I...I must, uh, research something. Yes. Research. Excuse me." He stands, and shoves his glasses back on his face as he makes for the office door.

"Hey!" Xander shouts. "Wait! I...I'm not gonna die, am I?"

Giles stops, his hand on the door knob. Willow darts away from the door, and heads outside of the library, missing what Giles says next. ""No, Xander. I do not believe that you are going to die. "He pauses, considering. "However...you may not be particularly happy at the manner of your not dying."

"That...doesn't sound good..." Xander mutters, looking down.

"No." Giles says, head bowed. "I very much imagine it does not sound good. For what it's worth, however...I am sorry." He slips out the door, and heads back into the stacks. Xander stays in the office, head bowed, for a long time.


Scene: A dew days later, nightly patrol

"I just...I dunno what's going on anymore." Xander says from his spot on a bench.

"Is it getting -oof! Good hit!" Buffy exclaims from where she's fighting a vampire. "Worse?"

"YES!" Xander shouts, standing. He paces around a bit. "I met Cordelia in a boutique yesterday."

Willow winces. "Harsh." She's sitting on the bench, as well, eating some kosher popcorn.

"No! See, that's the problem. She didn't recognize me from the back, and we spent a few minutes chatting about conditioners and skin lotions. No man should know that much about skin lotions!"

"Well..." Willow interjects meekly. "That doesn't sound too bad..."

"Stake!" Buffy cries. Xander tosses her one absently. A quiet poof later, she saunters absently to the bench and sits next to Willow. "What's wrong with knowing your skin lotions?"

Xander stops pacing and stares at the two of them. "I need some guy friends."

"Incoming, Buffy." Willow pops another handful of popcorn into her mouth. "At one o'clock"

Buffy looks at Willow, startled, and then her face relaxes in comprehension. "Ah...got them now. Wills, you're getting spooky at that, you know?"

"It's a gift." She shrugs nonchalantly.

As Buffy vaults to her feet, Xander slides into her vacated spot smoothly, draping one arm around Willow. "Go get'em, Buff." He looks at Willow. "How do you do that, anyways?"

"I'm not entirely sure." Willow swallows her popcorn. "It's kinda wird, actually. It's like there's a light that's illuminating them, but that light is darkness. I think it's a side effect of some of my, um, more esoteric studies."

"How ya doin on those anyways?"

"It's really quite fascintaing, actually, once you start separating each 'spell' into its quanta, intializing them seperately...I should start to get some real results in another few months. Start defining the matrix equations and-" She was abruptly cut off, as another creature came out from behind a mausoleum, smashing her brutally on the back of her head. She fell forward, stunned. A slow trickle of blood spread through her hair.

Xander watched it in stunned horror. Turning, he gazed upon the thing that had done /that/ to his Willow. The monster chuckles darkly. "Her blood smells of power. I wonder how it tastes?"

"You'll never have the chance to find out." He stood, slipppping one hand behind his jacket and drawing a stake. The monster stood, staring at him.

"Pfagh. Human scum. Not even a breath of power." It stood, arrogantly awaiting his attack. Xander dove, screaming, at it. Suddenly, the world snapped into slow motion. The demon casually sidestepped the thrust, and then almost languidly tapped him on his chest as he flew past. Time sped up again, as he flw, propelled by the hit a good five meters, and crashed into a gravestone.

"No!" Buffy yelled, and then almost casually finished the last vampire by the simple expedient of ripping its head from its shoulders. She charges at the demon.

Xander slowly drags himself upright, coughing. He hacked out some blood, and then directed a burning stare at the monster. His hand went behind his back again. "Hverr pora skada minn elska, vili deyja! Nefna tungl, rekkr Tiw!" There was a brief flash of light. When it ended, nothing would be the same again.