Xander(us) Eight

Author: Tohonomike <tohonomike[at]aol.com>

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their rightful owners.. Joss/ME characters. The Star Gate characters belongs to Gekko/Sci-Fi/others and is certainly not mine. I do not and cannot make money off of this, but for one of those bright shiny 'coins of the realm' mentioned by Ten Hawk, I might come up with something more/better.

Rating : PG-13 to PG-17; for general demonic horror content...


Mayor's Office, 9AM, December 15th, 1997

Allan Finch entered his boss's office wondering what reaction would develop from the information we would impart. Sighing, he braced himself and entered.

"Sir?" Allan addressed the mayor, "I have an odd report from a couple of our…alternative information sources…you might want to give us some guidance on…" The Mayor gestured at him to proceed. "Well, it seems that your…trophy case was broken into and the Aurelian remains removed…and our listening device seems to indicate that Angelus' urn was stolen from its interment." The Mayor's expression darkened as the news progressed. "And we believe that the Du Lac cross was in Sunnydale and has now been removed as well."

"Well, Allan," the Mayor actually grimaced, "It looks like someone wants to bring back those troublesome Aurelius vampires. Did they remove the entirety of the collection contents?"

"Yes, sir, they removed the various effects as well as the collective dust," the Deputy Mayor listed the removals, "What…venue should we pursue?"

"Well, Allan, I'll just have to make a few telephone calls back East…"

*****

"Hey Xander," Andy Hoelich called out, "You ready for the last meet of the month this weekend?"

"You bet, Andy," Xander called back to the gymnastics team captain, "And I'll see you at practice tomorrow." He turned back to the girls and current conversation as they headed to class. "So, Buff, I just don't know who would steal Angel's urn or old clothes. But we'll make 'em hurt when we find them. Promise."

"Thanks, Xander," Buffy returned, sighing, "It's just one more little hurt on top of everything else. Oh, and that reminds me, mom wanted me to check and make sure you and the Major are still coming to dinner tonight."

"You bet," Xander replied, then reached into his pocket, "But I have to ask you something. After eating Ted's cookies at mini-golf did you two feel different?"

"No, I felt great," Willow responded, "Buffy?"

"Yeah, me too, in spite of Ted's weirdness," the slayer replied, "Better than expected any way. What're you getting at?"

"Not sure, but I thought I'd have Willow check this last cookie out in a non-eating capacity," Xander considered, "There was something in it or the twinkies that made Doyle and Kowolsky bounce of the walls in happy land before throwing up, and I want to make sure it's the cookie. The other possibility is too great a horror to consider."

"So you think he's drugging us?" Willow asked, Buffy looking shocked then hopeful. "And what about you? You didn't say."

"Nah, I think it might be a food allergy," Xander replied, "The guys threw up and felt great pretty fast. But I'm less likely to be affected by anything not fatal, and my only home-cooking experience that hasn't been bad has come from the Rosenberg, McNally or Summers households. So it's probably not Ted. But if I'm having dinner around Ted, I'd rather just avoid the experience, thank you." Buffy sighed, then headed into the room first. Xander held Willow back, whispering, "But if it is drugs, call me on your cell phone and let me know."

"But don't you know if it is or not?" Willow whispered back.

"Willow, if you want to do a bunch of narcotics taste tests with me," Xander smirked while shaking his head, "I guess I could tell you afterwards if I came across something. Remember, the only 'thyme' at my house was 'time to go get another bottle from the liquor store.'" They both grimaced as class began.

Summers House 7PM

Buffy, Joyce, Ted, Xander and Kowolsky are seated at the dining room table. Small talk and general introductions had pleasantly taken place, asking about work, talking about the gallery. Xander with his 'inherited memories' and Charlie with his world travel and general experience arising from the Abydos missions, had offered surprising incites into a few of Joyce's problems, suggesting Mr. Giles as a possible contact for appraising weird objects. Something about Ted, however, bothered Xander, though he hadn't quite figured it out when Buffy started to crack around the edges as the conversation moved back toward the mundane. Finally a simple reference to dinner opened her up.

"Well, Joycie," Ted asked, "What do you think of dinner?" The men nodded with full mouths.

"I think every home should have one of you. It's fantastic!" Joyce responded, smiling enthusiastically, "Don't you think so Buffy?" Ted smiles over at Buffy.

"Looks good," she assured him, poking at it with a fork.

"Well, you know, little lady, it's not just for looks," Ted smiled, "It's for building strong bodies." Buffy just sits there staring at Ted.

"Are you two engaged?" Buffy asks, seemingly out of nowhere. Ted raises his head in realization of something.

"Goodness, no!" Joyce replied, "Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Now, Joycie, let me handle this," Ted pressed, placing a hand over hers reassuringly, "Buffy, your mother and I are taking it one step at a time. And if things go the way I hope, maybe someday soon I just might ask her to tie the knot. How would you feel about that? It's okay to have feelings, Buffy, and it's okay to express them."

"I'd feel like killing myself," Buffy complained.

"Buffy!" Joyce exclaimed, shocked at her daughter's behavior

"No, no, I, I told her to be honest," Ted told Joyce, then turned to Buffy, "Sweetheart, you should try and get used to me, 'cause you know what? I'm not going anywhere."

"Joyce? Ted?" Xander interrupted, "I think I'll take a walk around the block with Buffy to let things settle before the *really* go to far?" He looked pleadingly into Joyce's eyes. She nodded.

"Great, now don't forget to save me coffee and dessert, okay?" Xander added light-heartedly, "And don't get Charlie too fat, Ted?" The adults were happier for the distraction.

Summers Porch, twenty minutes later "Okay, I guess I'm ready to go back in," Buffy whined to Xander as they came back from a quiet and uneventful walk, and enter front door, "I'll go freshen up and be down in a minute to make nice. I did overreact before I'd had a chance to ask mom." Charlie and Joyce overheard this as the two youth walked into the house, and smiled. Buffy headed up the stairs.

"Wow, Xander," Joyce exhaled and raised her eyebrows, "How'd you get through to her?"

"Well it wasn't so much that, as just reminding her how hard things have been for *both* of you, and that even if this doesn't work out… that's no reason for her to expect no one else would come along. She'll be fine."

Buffy enters her room, intending to touch up her hair and makeup only to find Ted reading her diary.

"You've been going through my things?" Buffy asks, shocked.

"Yes, I have," Ted replied, "I don't see how it's any different from you snooping around my office, do you?" He waves the diary at her. "What exactly is a Vampire Slayer?"

"It's none of your business," Buffy declared, reaching for the book.

"Beg to differ, little lady," Ted retorted, "Everything you do is nothing *but* my business from now on."

"I think you better get out of here," she ordered, then slightly louder, "Now!"

"Or what?" he smirks, "You'll slay me? I'm real. I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary. Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional. So, from now on, you'll do what I say, when I say, or I show this to your mother, and you'll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy. You're not going to stand in the way. Sleep tight!" He starts to leave the room, and starts to push past her. Buffy follows him and grabs hold of his hand that has her diary.

"That's mine, and you are *not* leaving this room with it!" she shouted.

"Take your hand off me," Ted ordered. Buffy could hear someone raising a voice from downstairs.

"Not until you return my diary," she told him. Ted slaps her hard, almost punching her, and makes her hit the wall.

"Ohhh!" Buffy declared, "I was *so* hoping you'd do that." She punches him squarely in the jaw, and he staggers back into the open door. He pushes himself upright and backhands her in the face, making her fall against the side of her bed and onto the floor. He picks her up by the shirt collar, but she as she kicks him in the shin a large 'coffee table' book flatly strikes Ted in the head with an odd sound, knocking the off-balance salesman to the floor. Joyce comes to the door to see what all the noise is about.

"What's going on?!" Joyce calls into the room as Charlie comes up beside her. Xander responds before Ted can.

"Ted likes to hit girls, Ted's going away now," Xander stated without emotion in his voice. Ted looked at him.

"I don't know why you and Buffy are doing this to me, but—" he started, only to have Xander interrupt him.

"Ted, show us your shin, please," Xander ordered, "Buffy slammed you in the jaw pretty hard, and kicked you good in the shin, but your face isn't showing any damage."

"I don't bruise easily," Ted grumbled, "And why do *you* care all of a sudden." He started to stand up, only to have Xander trip him over and pin him front to the ground.

"Joyce, Charlie," Xander called over his shoulder, "Please take his pulse, neck and wrist please." Joyce remained where she was, too shocked for words. Charlie did as he was ordered.

"No pulse, Colonel," Kowolsky slipped when he didn't find anything, "And no heart beat either. What is he?" Xander twisted Ted's arms tighter.

"Well, Ted," Xander addressed the unloving individual, "Tell me what you are or I'll get out a knife and damage something. Ted responded with his full strength, but Xander's own enhanced strength and their current position kept the salesman down.

"Robot," Ted whispered, Joyce now close enough to hear. She fainted. Buffy caught her and set her on the bed. "I'm a manufactured life form, a complete duplicate of my maker. I'm programmed to want a normal life. I don't want to be alone."

"Charlie, call Giles and Doyle," Xander ordered, "Have them recon in detail Ted's residence. Have Willow go with them and figure out a way to remove the Stepford Husband routine from Ted and just make him 'normal.'" Buffy and Charlie looked at him curiously, but he turned his attention to Ted. "Ted, too many people now know about what you are. It doesn't have to leave our circle. But we'll want to de-psycho you."

"You and your delusional *vampire slayer* girlfriend want to de-psycho me?" Ted grimaced, then laughed. Xander slapped him in the back of the head to quiet him.

"She'll *never* be my girlfriend no matter how many times I've saved her life or brought her back," Xander whispered angrily, "But guess what Ted? The bad things do exist and I can prove it. And you might just become part of the fight, Ted. Now how do I turn you off for now?" HE felt around, and eventually found a push button disguised as part of a vertebra. Ted shut down.

"You're going to keep the robot?" Buffy reacted incredulously as Charlie got off the phone. "Why?"

"How about we make slay-bots as passable as Ted so you can have the occasional night off for studying or family dinners?" Xander asked her calmly, then winked. "And besides, I don't know for sure if we will."

"What about Mom?" Buffy asked, "She has a robot boyfriend, and now what?"

"Two things," Xander said smiling, "First, she finally gets told *everything.*" Buffy looked horrified. "Who knows what this robot would've done, Buff. And the more she knows, the safer she'll be. Remember Darla? Or what if Angel had become Angelus? He already had an invite. And we can always program a maid-bot to help her out around the house and provide extra-buffilicious protection? Report, Major?"

"Sir, Rupert and Francis are on their way to Ted's place with Willow," Kowolsky replied, "And I guess we should get the robot down to the car?"

"Xander, what was the second thing?" Buffy asked.

"The Major will ask your mom out for coffee," he smirked, "Or haven't you noticed the way he's started looking at her since dinner started? And besides, throw in Giles and Jenny and she'll have people to talk about things with who know what you do at night." Kowolsky continued to look abashed as he tied up the robot for easier transport.

"Plus he knows the hurt he'll be in if he *hurts* her," Buffy conceded, causing the Major look even more uncomfortable and her smile to increase. "Good plan, Xander, except the telling her part."

"Not negotiable, Buff," Xander looked sadly at the woman starting to come to, "She has the right."

The End